Week 11: Parenting with Gratitude: Relationships

You Spin Me Right Round

I haven’t started other Weeks with a quote but this one from spiritual teacher, Ram Dass, is important to chew on as we enter the week on relationships…

“When you go out into the woods and you look at trees, you see all these different trees.

And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever.

And you look at the tree and you allow it. You appreciate it. You see why it is the way it is.

You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.

The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You’re too this, or I’m too this.’

That judging mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.”

Impactful huh?

And so we land squarely in what most likely drove you to sign up for this weekly series in the first place: Interpersonal relationships. Well, they don’t let you off easy, do they? We can have a deep and complicated relationship with our children. It morphs and grows over time shifting from easier to harder and back again. 

Not fixing the people we are with day in and day out is hard. You are a parent, you want to teach, guide and mentor but at some point, that guidance can become more of an act of “making right” the flaws you see in your children that you might have put there.

Can we really make “right” a relationship if it is so intensely interwoven? Can we accept what we see in our children as 100% their own?

This is very hard for me too. I struggle with co-dependence because that is what was modeled for me. Maybe you were modeled the opposite, a sink or swim independence, and so you may crave a deeper relationship with your child but are unsure of how to get there. Our first examples of what relationships can be are given to us by our parents - who let’s face it - were just as confused about parenting as we are.

But if we want to bring a new level of compassion to our relationships, if we are ready to parent differently and break the cycle, we need to ride the wave of positivity that our daily gratitude practice provides. Typically that includes feeling all the feels. Yep - as many a meditation teacher and therapist has told me - sit with it, feel it in your body, let it be there, let it flow through, and then let it go.

These days I can notice that even though I had a tough time with the kids this morning, I still feel deep happiness in my heart, and the practice of gratitude has become more of a friend than a chore. I find the things I am grateful for so naturally now…the sassiness of my kids, the sun that feels deep and rich on my arms, the smell of coffee that makes me warm on the inside.

It’s up to me to love myself - all of it: the tough moments with the kids as they grow and the happiness I can always find in the present moment - this is what I like to call living in a state of grace…but more on that in the next week.

Week 12: Parenting with Gratitude: Grace

A State of Grace

Imagine you are a rock in the middle of a raging river. Sure it's wet and sometimes it's cold, but as you are hit by the passing branch and loose silt, you are unmoved, grounded, and strong.

The unflinching rock or “super mom” well… it’s an impossible goal. It’s a trap that our society has set for women. We are expected to act like we have got it all '“under control” and that it is manageable when it just isn’t - not when support, paid leave, and affordable childcare are withheld from us. The current is too strong, and we are getting swept away with it.

So maybe we don’t need to be a rock anymore - let’s get swept away.

It’s week 12 and we are riding the current now, aren’t we? Where do you hope to land once the torrent sets you free? Is your final destination the middle of the river or is it within the vastness of a neverending sea?

As we give into the process of training our brains toward active gratitude, Calm, and healing we arrive at the ultimate landing-place that I call: the State of Grace. 

When we land in the State of Grace does that magically mean that you can do it all? No, not at all.

Does it mean anything has been taken off your plate without you asking? No, not at all. 

Does it mean that you have mastered being a parent and are done with the self doubt? No, not at all.

But you are changed. You have used your initial intention as motivation to practice gratitude, self-reflection, and eventually equanimity. You have offered yourself the power and permission to make a few subtle changes that compound over time - like your daily gratitude.

Grace is the stratosphere that we naturally elevate our daily living to once we actively choose a grateful life (and that means bad stuff too!). We become more positive-minded people, we have the patience that we have always craved, we notice before we get mad, we stop trying to change or fix the people in our lives and accept them as they come - and our flaws too.

This is the STATE of GRACE we are striving for, our whole being lives there, body, soul, mind, reactions, Inner Critic - everybody comes for the ride.

I had a difficult time coming to this final week and knowing what to write. As your unofficial guide, I felt like I needed to already reside at the final destination in order to guide you.

However, just like you, I am not there yet. And I may never be. In fact, I don’t want to be - the journey has been anything but perfect and I am anything but perfect and I like that now!

To live mindfully means we now give ourselves permission to step back and notice. When we do that we will notice that the chaos of parenting in the modern world is real and not all our fault. It is also temporary and constantly in flux. So let’s live with both acceptance and defiance - to allow ourselves to be swept away - that’s certainly is a valid goal for us all.

Living with Grace means cutting yourself some slack while simultaneously committing to your well-being and the practices you have learned in these emails. Keep them alive by either re-reading them from the beginning or using the list below to click on one week that may have felt more difficult to tap into. Maybe add a note or two to your calendar with a new prompt or activity for the weeks to come as well.

Good luck and thank you for coming along on this journey with me.

- Stef