On Belonging, Boundaries & Breaks
Work is a mess, your boss is upset because you still haven’t finished the top item on his list, you haven’t been getting much sleep because your youngest is teething, and your oldest has decided now is the time to level up her whining. You need a break. You want to set boundaries and teach your kids to play independently from you so you can just break away.
But is that even possible?
When’s my break?
After a year of pandemic parenting I am ready to normalize taking daily breaks from my kids — how about you?
Yes! It is totally possible to do and still support your child’s emotional needs for belonging and connection at the same time. But you are gonna have to do some work upfront, OK? But it will be worth it. And to be completely transparent - the younger your child is, the more connection they will need — but little by little you may be able to include breaks as a normal part of your daily routine if you start now.
Most babies and toddlers already have built-in breaks called naps (no matter how short they may be) - and so at first, we can encourage language around these breaks that will normalize our future separation time.
The key to a break that also honors your child’s emotional needs is baking in connection. If you want to take a break you must first “feed the meter” as Dr.Harvey Karp puts it - that means for every minute you need alone, you need to put in double or triple that amount FIRST based on your child's age. You have to feed the meter before you can leave your car and go off shopping right? Well, this is a meter that you pay with high-quality, highly connected kid playtime.
To introduce this concept you will need to begin by blending the message of connection within the language around a break.
BABIES: introduce the language after naps
“How was your break? I am so glad you rested on your own. I’m here now, let’s snuggle for a minute.”
TODDLERS: be transparent about how you feel, playing is hard sometimes.
“I love playtime, don’t you? But I get tired when I play so hard, let’s take a break. What do you want to do? Blow bubbles or play in the tub?”
PRESCHOOLERS: acknowledge your connection while being transparent about your needs.
“Oh I missed you so much while I was at work, let’s play together before I have to rest and then make dinner.”
OLDER KIDS: acknowledge their present state, while using words that reflect real-life issues.
“After school can be a time where we are all excited to be home — but I think it’s important that we take a few minutes to decompress. Can I sit in your room with my book for a few minutes while you read? What book are you reading right now?”
Interruptions:
While you are on a break it may seem counterintuitive if you are constantly being called to help and you oblige. But in reality, responding immediately to your child’s needs is a vital way to encourage future independent play - not vice versa.
This does not mean we use up our break time solving the problem or meet the need immediately - it means we acknowledge our child’s needs and make sure they know they were heard. Then explain that they will be dealt with at a later time.
Of course with a baby this is different, you can go to them, give them comfort, and connection then step away for another few minutes - but if they can not wait because the bottom level of that pyramids is not met — physically or emotionally — you will need to call it for the morning and try a break later in the day.
With an older toddler or preschooler, you can ask them to get a few items they need and join you.
With an older pre-k/K child you can ask them how much longer they think they can play on their own and then have them set a timer for that amount.
With elementary aged children, you take the time to listen and give a concrete time in which you will revisit the conversation - i.e.: “as soon as I finish this chapter”
Stressed but can’t take a break?
Try these things with your child that will instantly calm you both:
Connection and belonging is a natural way to soothe our brains, distress our nervous system, and relax — no matter our age. So before you jump to the ‘I need alone time’ fix - try these ideas which will fill both your cups when you can’t break away:
Go swimming or take a bubble bath
Listen to an audiobook snuggled up together
Hold hands while watching a favorite show
Lotion/massage each other’s feet and hands
Dance party - sing loudly, Dance with abandon
Read your books side by side
Brush each other’s hair
Go for a drive
Go for a walk outside, no stroller, no agenda
Lay down outside on a blanket and count clouds
Paint with water outside
Blow bubbles