Helpless

This morning I screamed my head off.

It was not my finest moment.

I knew I didn’t like what I was doing when I was doing it.

But I felt like a wounded raccoon trapped in the corner by a grizzly bear. 

I felt like I could not win. That no matter what I was gonna lose.

And you know what  - I did.

I lost his respect. I lost a little bit of his love and affection. I lost a few stepping stones I had carefully and deliberately placed on my path to parenting differently.

I felt hurt and sad. He did too.

What was different this time is that I didn't feel hatred toward him. 

I didn't feel that burning inside of my body, seething and telling me he was laying in bed and not getting ready for school because he wanted to be an asshole to me.

Instead I felt helplessness, like I had no more control over this growing human and that no matter how nice I tried to be he was still gonna ignore me. I felt like I didn't matter to him so I started screaming.

look at me! you can’t ignore me now!

I’ve crossed the line - you know it.

I know it.

We all know it.

F*ck. And so it goes -

or more elegantly as the Buddhists say: “Begin Again”

We all get another chance to parent differently - it’s called tomorrow.