Presence
My youngest baby turns eight tomorrow.
This past Saturday we had his birthday party at our house which is something we haven’t done since he turned one.
Sunday finally rolled around and I was SO exhausted. I was cranky and desperately needed to be alone.
Recently I have discovered that I need a lot of time to myself to recover from stress (!!). I don’t think it’s a revelation that came with age either. I think this has been the case all along - I just didn’t know how to notice it before this moment.
Point being, I am now trying to honor these times and still be a mom - which is very difficult and I definitely lost it a few times on Sunday while I was trying to “gather” my shit. With my husband’s help I got my moment, finished the book I was reading and even enjoyed a nice cup of tea, all while tucked into my bed.
The day goes by and I think “I’m good, I’ve taken care of myself things are OK!” - Then Monday night comes and I’m trying to meditate - to do a good thing for myself - to take care - and I discover I am f*ing EXHAUSTED, like falling asleep sixteen times - and I had an amazing night of sleep so I shouldn’t be.
Ding! Ding! Ding! it hits me - I’m overdoing it again!
I want this book to be perfect. I want this community to be authentic. I want to have everything organized in my life so I can breathe. I am so preoccupied with working on this so it can help me (and in the process help you) that I forgot my priorities. I forgot that even though we had his birthday party on Saturday that my baby was turning eight FOR REAL on Wednesday.
I haven’t looked at him in that special birthday way that mothers get - that way he needs to be seen in order to celebrate the age coming by remembering the wonderful year we’ve already had. These last moments of seven are special, and so precious because he will never ever, EVER be seven again. And so he REALLY needs to be seen right now - really seen.
And I so I caught myself just in time guys. I remembered what really matters - the thing I wrote in my 2020 journal at the beginning of the month. Caring for and being there for my family comes first. Without that none of this matters and to be honest, none of this can be authentic or real either.
Some of you are new to my journey so I’ll let you in on an important “Stef Fact” here: I have started five legitimate businesses in the past 10 years - one of which was what you would call a real “Silicon Valley Startup”. I have been at this crossroads many times. I have lived the moments where the work seemed more important. Even worse - when the social impact of my work blinded me as I sacrificed the very thing that would sustain me, that would make my companies great.
What was that very thing?
The Happy Whole Me.
When I am happy, when my life feels at ease. WOW! would you love me; I’m creative, I’m funny, I’m super smart, I am here, I am present - I am great!
When I am living at ease, the source of that ease comes from allowing the most important things rise to the top and not worrying so much about the other things nestled below it.
Somehow when I shine the light on the things that are truly important to me everything always works out.
It's holding on tight to the other lesser things that makes it so hard.
I want to feel free, to be happy while I grow this community, to always choose my babies first and to remember because of those choices I’ve got this too. So I reset and this morning I was ready to make magic happen.
