Mindful Parenting: Finding Balance in Self-Care

So let’s talk about something we never do on the blog - meditation. But don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you should meditate - because I make it my personal mission never to make you feel overburdened (like you need to add new things to your to-do list). The activities I suggest can usually be incorporated into what you are doing already - rocking babies, driving kids to soccer, loading the dishwasher, etc.

I acknowledge that we are all on different chapters of the book of motherhood - some that are more time and energy-demanding than others.

I stay away from meditation because I don’t want you to think it’s the ultimate solution - because it’s just not true. Everything we discuss in this blog concerns accepting who we are, where we are right now, and what we can focus on.

And I never say - “this practice is mandatory for all mothers' health.” I offer what I know, rooted in positive psychology and behavioral science, and I let you try it on for size. 

But I always want to be completely honest with you too. Do I meditate? Yes. I meditate six days a week. And I have for years now. My kids are 11 and 14, so that allows me the time and space to stop and be still - but I have also been meditating since they were around 5 and 8, which is a very different age brackets. I practice every weekday morning after my gratitude routine, and I leave the house two nights a week to meditate in a group setting and at yin yoga. And it works for me.

Depending on your motherhood stage, you may be able to include meditation in your healing journey. And if you don’t feel like you have the capacity, then go ahead and skip to another post. But… if you tried it a few times, it didn't work, and you gave up, which is why you don’t do it - then I would probably stick around.

I’m here to tell you that yes, you can meditate – and parent, and work, and sleep, and breathe, and pay bills….and it’s not called ‘doing it all’.

The practice of self-reflection, which often serves as the foundation of meditation, is straightforward and free self-care.

And I get it; we are not encouraged to meditate as mothers — because we are busy, and it won’t solve the bigger societal issues causing moms stress.

But dissing sitting quietly to notice how you feel, makes me uncomfortable — in reality, what we are talking about is taking a moment for self-reflection, for self-care. That could look like sitting for 5 minutes and focusing on your breath, or it could look like walking around the block without a podcast or your phone in the presence of nature alone. Self-reflection CAN help with parents’ problems because it takes the focus off the hectic world we reside in and brings us back to our core, our self, and where we are psychologically.

NO AMOUNT OF SELF-REFLECTION WILL FIX OUR WORK-OBSESSED, “PRETEND YOU DON’T HAVE A FAMILY” CULTURE — BUT IT’S NOT GONNA MAKE IT ANY WORSE EITHER.

In addition to not noticing our burnout or stress, we use distraction and indulgence to ignore or withdraw from bad feelings as they try to reveal themselves. Some of us spend too much money online, watch too much TikTok at work, or maybe drink too much – and yes, I have certainly done all these things too.

Whatever they may be for you — these coping mechanisms, while protectors in themselves, also keep us from discovering when we have hit our mental health wall, and boom! we are in a full-blown Mom Tantrum and don’t know how we got there.

Meditation is not a chance to zone out and “be calm” — and it’s certainly not an escape. Meditation is just a simple practice of self-reflection, and it’s an opportunity to train your brain to notice your state - good, bad, or ugly. Your state is just your mood or fleeting emotion you may be experiencing.  And once we can notice our state, we can attend to our needs before s$*& hits the fan. And when we do, it leads to more customized self-care: like, Wow, I feel lonely — maybe I will chat with a friend, or Wow, am I mad - time for a walk outside.

@parentdifferently We've heard it all: you can't pour from an empty cup, put your oxygen mask on first, and you can't care for others if you're not caring for yourself. But do we listen? Self-care is so important for moms because the better we feel the better we can serve our kids. #GoodAFMom #MyDolceMoment #selfcareformoms #parentingexpert #momslifebelike #momentsinmotherhood #mommymode #perfectlyimperfct ♬ what happened in 2022 - Hendrix Beckitt

That’s what our “never slow down” culture takes away from us — choices. Insights from a broadened perspective, and our curiosity too. We’re just so exhausted and are lulled into the false notion that we have to go to work and be perfect there and go home and be perfect there, too. We forget to question any of it. 

Perfection does not need to be your truth because it can’t be, you’re a parent, and s#%T happens.

And I know, in a state of exhaustion, looking within can feel like a trap, like an unwinnable bargain you will make with the devil. After all, what will you find, and does it matter? But it does. Because you matter. Hustle culture keeps you in motion precisely so you WON’T stop and look within. But that’s where all your answers will lie.

So I would say YES, learn to notice your emotions and moods, and more and more, you will discover all the choices available. How can you do this? Well, it comes from mindfulness. There are many ways to learn mindfulness that we have discussed on this blog - you can try the practice “Hello Moment!” where I talk about Practical Mindfulness or this post where I explain how mindfulness can lead you to the Juicy Pause. 

And sitting quietly for 5 to 10 minutes daily can be another way to teach yourself mindfulness.

When you sit, be gentle with yourself, notice thoughts as thoughts, and allow them to come and go. It helps if you have an anchor, use something easy to return to once you notice you have drifted off. I use my breath or listen for my cat, who loves to meow and bump around the room while I sit. Getting distracted doesn’t make you a bad meditator - all meditators get distracted by thoughts; that’s part of the gig. It’s about being kind to yourself or neutral when you notice you have slipped off.

The culture isn’t going to change overnight. The only person that can change overnight is you - and if it were me, I would start with the self-care of a daily moment of reflection and try meditation.  Because there’s only one way to find what works for you: to try it ALL. I know you will find what works for you and give it every effort before walking away - because you are already a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

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Gratitude Practice: Pick a Color

So you’re a busy mom who wants to practice gratitude - Hello, me too! 

I am also a busy mom, and I have been Parenting with Gratitude™ for over three years. I have less resentment and shame than ever before - and it felt so good once it started kicking in. I wanted to add more gratitude to my life. And so, I came up with all kinds of fun ways to practice it on the go - because sometimes I can't get to my morning list. And this practice is a favorite in my house because my kids like to watch me suffer, lol - jk! Really I think it’s because they dont believe I can do it - but I can.

The Pick a Color Practice

When I feel low and need a pick-me-up, I play rapid-fire gratitude using the cars around me. I will ask my kids to pick a car color on the way to school. And then, for the rest of the day, when I see a car that color, I will have to think of something I am grateful for. Sometimes if they are being really sadistic, they will choose silver, lol – but sometimes I can get them to choose teal or yellow, which is a little more manageable - or red even! 

I even do this practice when my kids aren't around, too, to be honest - sometimes I will pick forest green and go with it - because gratitude dramatically changes my mood.

Why is that the case? I wondered that myself, so I consulted OG gratitude researcher Professor Robert Emmons's new book, “The Little Book of Gratitude.” This is what he said:

“The need for novelty and change are hardwired into our brains. The substantia nigra/ ventral segmentation or SN/TVA, an area in the midbrain responds to novel stimuli. Whether you keep a diary, post gratitudes on your social media, or just think grateful thoughts, focus on surprising events, unexpected kindnesses, new and unusual experiences, and these will activate your SN/VTA. This area of the brain links memory and learning centers, so keeping your gratitudes fresh and new will be cognitively and neurally beneficial.”

So we must keep it new and different to learn to be grateful and store it in our memories. 

Bonus Family Game

Another little game I like in the car is similar to the Alphabet game - the game where you go around, and everyone has to name a vegetable or Star Wars character alphabetically. Substitute that Ewok for one item you’re grateful for - A for Aunty Ashley, B for Ballet Class, C for Chunky Peanut Butter – you get the picture. 

Mix it up, and make sure to let your kids see you being thankful! Let me know which one you try or if you come up with one of your own, and don’t forget to include yourself somewhere on that list, too — because you are a GoodAF Mom! - Stef

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When Things Go Wrong

Just because of the nature of emotions and how the brain functions, it’s much easier to offer you advice when I am feeling good. When my mind is clear, I can access my accumulated knowledge on well-being and gracious living. It’s much harder to share when I F-ed up — when things go bad.

But I am committed to the practice of imperfect parenting — and to do that means not ‘acting’ perfect online either. And so I will be honest with you here.

I threw a massive Mom Tantrum this morning — my son started screaming from the backseat but would not tell me why. And when I slowed down the car and looked at him in the rearview mirror, he kept screaming and refused to say one word. This triggered me, and I slammed on the brake of the car, making the car bounce with fury, and screamed: “Are you hurt!! Do we need to pull over!! What is going on!!! You need to tell me right now!” — like uncomfortably loudly. Looking back, I know I did it to scare him into reacting because nothing else had worked, and I needed an answer as we were in the middle of the road.

Turns out he had a loose tooth that had taken a sharp turn on a bagel, and he was in excruciating pain 🤦‍♀️.

If you have baggage of any sort, Mom Tantrums will happen from time to time. And This morning sh%t got real.

I felt helpless and unseen and really out of control — although, at the time, I was feeling really in control, in control of my anger.

And my anger was valid, but the way I acted was not. The tantrum I threw. It was not ok. We are just out there living and trying to heal, and sh%t happens. We can do the work and get to a place of GoodAF; still, sh%t can happen. Do I feel extraordinarily bad right now? Yes. Do I also know that it’s just another day and moment in time and that I am ultimately OK, a good mom who makes mistakes? Yes, that too.

But no amount of good feelings will make the hurt go away - at first.

I had to feel it, but I tried so hard not to this morning.

After I dropped the kids off at school, I went for my walk - and the first 2 miles were ok, but by the 3rd mile, I could feel the emotion welling up with no place to go but out. I thought I had managed it by breathing it out and connecting in a kind way when I dropped my son off - but no, it was bigger than that.

So I drove home, and I sat down and cried. Like really cried. I allowed myself to acknowledge that what I did was wrong. I let myself get angry for all the valid reasons I should have been — I was driving and couldn’t see the problem, anyone else in the car could have jumped to help but they didn’t — and my son is hard when it comes to injuries. There have been so many times before where problems not this huge were portrayed to be. I was angry and needed to feel it.

I was also hurt. I didn’t want to yell and scream at my 11-year-old child. He was hurt. He was in pain, and I made him more afraid because I used fear to get him to respond. I don’t want to be that type of mother where my feelings matter more than his. And I take responsibility for that. There really isn’t a moment in life that constitutes a freakout where fear should be the parenting tactic. Getting mad and telling someone how you feel is important — but a Mom Tantrum like this, no.

But they happen — in fact, since I haven’t had one in over a year or two, actually made me feel worse — like everything I work on every day and everything I talk to you all about is for nothing. But in reality, that’s not true. Once I sat to feel my pain, I knew that I would be OK, I knew that I had made a mistake, but that mistake didn’t make me a Bad Mom. And it reminded me of the GoodAF Mom Pep Talk #5 on the podcast, where I remind you that: Moms make mistakes too.

And that’s what I said to myself: Moms make mistakes too. I will chalk this one up to bad circumstances and move on — of course, not until I make it right with my son this afternoon.

Once I calmed down, that’s when I listed a bunch of things to be grateful for - the house was empty when I came home, so I could wail freely. I had an extra hour today because of afterschool classes so this self-care time wouldn’t cut into my working hours. And I had my kids and my life. And the next time they freaked out, I could point to my own freak out and said — me too. I get it. Life’s hard, buddy. Me too. - Stef

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Gratitude Practice: Savoring

@parentdifferently Learn the steps to parent differently with gratitude by joining the free 90-day challenge on my website #GoodAFMom #dailygratitudechallenge #gratitudechallenge #selfcareeveryday #momlifeyo #lifewithlittles ♬ original sound - Stef-ParentDifferently

What if I told you that your toddler’s crusty nose could be a great source of happiness and well-being? You would probably say gross, Stef.

And yes, it's true - after a lifetime of wiping other people’s children’s noses as a nanny (and then another lifetime of wiping my kids’ noses), I get it - it's gross. Nothing can prepare you for going in with a tissue to wipe and realizing that that crunchy exterior was actually a dam holding back a landslide of yellow and green snot – that’s a serious wiping commitment no one prepares you for. 

A crusty nose can be a source of happiness and well-being because of one thing — the contrast it offers. It’s a tiny hardship, something our minds are immediately attracted to. Just like so many of the annoying parts of parenting that don’t seem to quit - like the butt wiping and the ever-constant reminders that snacks aren’t gonna happen 5 minutes before dinner. And, of course, gratitude can fall flat without the contrast of more annoying times. But why do I remember that crusty sh%t so clearly – and forget the times when we fell into each other’s arms or ran around the playground?

Why does it stay stuck when the good is so much better?

You may remember our favorite OG gratitude researcher Professor Robert Emmons, has this to say about hardship and gratitude,

“When times are good, people take prosperity for granted and begin to believe that they are invulnerable.”

So we slide right into complacency, don’t we? The painful truth is our brains are efficient animals; they like known, simple, and easy. As James Clear says, “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” Goals are not something you do every day or are baked into your genes. They are ephemeral thoughts. Systems or habits well those build and build over time. They can be helpful or hurtful. Our brains don't care. These habits are a carved rut in the road, which our brains can easily slide into.

So what does this have to do with a runny nose? Well, a whole lot, actually. Imagine showing up at daycare, walking into the classroom, and as you look at your child, the first and only thing you see for a second is their old, dirty, crusted nose - gross. Well, you have a scapegoat for your repulsion, and it’s what cognitive scientists call the Negativity Bias.

The Negativity Bias is an automatic habit of the brain that makes looking for and evaluating threats and anything that could harm us a priority over anything other type of thinking. It causes us to remember criticism more than compliments and mistakes over wins. And the secret’s out. It’s also the operator behind the curtain of Mom Guilt.

Getting Brainy with It.

The Negativity Bias’ main goal is to keep us safe. Snots - no. Germs - no. Our thinking brain is not allowed a first opinion because our survival instincts kick in. I’ll let the psychiatrist and co-author of “What Happened to You?” Dr. Bruce Berry explains the brain process a bit more to you:

“The brain organizes from bottom to top, with the lower parts of the brain (brain stem/diencephalon aka “survival brain”) developing earliest, the cortical areas (thinking brain) much later,”  Perry says. “The majority of brain organization takes place in the first four years.Our brain functions from the bottom up - the instincts first and then the sorting and reasoning after.“

And so when we see our child, we only see the germs first. We see our child only after that initial reaction, and our thinking and reasoning brain kicks in. Of course, no one is saying we haven’t evolved or that we can’t respond instead of react. That you aren’t a GoodAF Mom if you go gross inside your head. I know a big fat smile will most likely happen next as you dash across the room and scoop your son up – hugging him and spreading that sh%t all over your freshly dry-cleaned coat.

The Negativity Bias lives in the more instinctual part of the brain, but we really don’t need it. We don’t need to scan everywhere we go for danger anymore instantly. Our world is relatively safe - no venomous snakes or wild cats hiding behind the neighbors four by four. Plus, this scanning makes us really stressed - probably more than we used to be. Since our brains are programmed to be constantly scanning, and we are surrounded by SO many stimuli these days, our nervous systems are stressed the f out.

What now, then?

Using gratitude as a prompt, you can take a few very specific steps if you would like to work on your “reaction” time and bigger hardships. Where maybe the Negativity Bias does not ease up after a millisecond but takes control of your whole day instead. Well, that’s why we are happy we have neuroplasticity on our side. Center for Brain Health, University of Texas at Dallas, explains that neuroplasticity is “the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life." So, yay, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

The first step is to use gratitude to notice things we overlook.

This will help to shift our perspective and then do that enough. You will give it a new system to depend on in tough times. And begin to replace the old system (the negativity bias) that maybe has run its course. Like our almost instant ability to overlook the snot and crack that loving smile, we can also learn to shorten our reactive time in other cases. 

So we use the power of gratitude to notice the good, shift our perspective and then use our natural neuroplasticity to rewire with repetition over time cognitively. And then we can add one more practice to the mix…

The practice of Savoring

Savoring is taking an external view of an experience to review and appreciate it. So you eat a strawberry and notice, yum, this is juicy, and then pop another in your mouth, OR if you are savoring, you take the time to step outside the experience and really notice the nuances of it for like 15 to 30 seconds. Wow, this strawberry is so delicious! You intentionally slow down your chewing. You let the juices move around your mouth, you think about the last strawberry you had and how this one is so much sweeter, and even after you swallow, you think, wow, that was a delicious moment.

This is savoring. Science shows that although savoring “things” can be beneficial, we can get the most out of savoring experiences because not only do we get more happiness out of experiences over material things, but we get bigger does of well-being from experiences because we savor them BEFORE they happen AND after they happen as well.

Think of a trip you recently went on - I find it so easy to go directly to the good memories of a trip over the bad, do you? I always forget to pack things for a trip, but when I reflect on the experience, my brain immediately goes to all the fun things we did. It’s one place in my life where my mistakes do not cloud the wins. And this is because of the repetition of savoring a trip provides. You don’t do this with other things in your life, like going to the playground or putting your toddler in a cute outfit. An experience is a training gym for the mind, from the pre-savoring of a trip to the actual FUN a trip provides, and then to running through memories of the trip and sharing them with friends.

We can follow this recipe for savoring and apply it to other areas of our lives.

We could do it with the strawberry - it would feel really cringy, but it could look like Pre-savoring: I get the strawberries out and put them in a pretty bowl. I look at them throughout the day and think about how beautifully red they are. I feel gratitude for the farmers who planted and tended the seeds and the workers who harvested and boxes them. I take a photo and post it on Instagram sharing the beauty with friends. Savoring in Real Time: Then I eat a few, mindfully savoring and intentionally taking it slow to really indulge in the flavor. Post Savoring: Then, a few hours later, I text a friend to tell them about the strawberries and where I got them. Maybe I even pick up a pint and drop them off at their doorstep as a surprise. A few days later, I looked at the photo I had taken on Instagram, and I remember the juiciness of the berries and sharing them with a friend. I feel the gratitude and the specialness of the moment all over again. And on and on it can go. 

Savoring is a way to take gratitude to the next level.

And it can help to amplify situations that already feel pretty good. And when we do this, we push back against our instinct to look for what went wrong, to find the strawberry with the mold or the one that didn’t taste so sweet.  Opportunities like these are all around us. What can you find to savor this week? Could it be something you do every day? How about an experience or a trip you took recently? Could you take the photos out and savor those? How about the way the light trickles through your baby’s dark brown hair or the way he tucks his feet under his bottom while he plays? Can you apply the steps of noticing, shifting to a grateful perspective, and then savoring in three ways (before, during, and after) to these everyday parenting moments too? 

The crusty nose will still be there, and all the other annoying inescapable parts of parenting too. But the good is waiting to be seen, felt, and held - are you ready to train your brain so you can feel more of it? I know you are. I hope you enjoy your week of savoring experiences and things – and don’t forget you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

Other Parenting with Gratitude™ Practices:

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Embracing Intentional Parenting

This weekend I killed my son’s betta fish.

And it's true I did - I killed Felix. We had bought him that day, and I was worried that he would be cold overnight because we had overlooked buying a heater, so I wrapped his little tank with a heating pad crossing my fingers that it would work. And it did — a little too well. I cooked his fish overnight.

Of course, waking up to my son’s tears was horrible.

But then my son said to me, “We are going out RIGHT NOW and getting a NEW FISH,” and I got triggered - I crankily said back to him, “We are not getting any new fish until you do the proper research, which neither of us did and that's really why he died!” This, unfortunately, is imperfect parenting in action. 

I’m sure this story inspires empathy, like, “Wow, that's one of those situations you could feel really sh%tty about even a week later, and I'm so sorry.” And thank you, I appreciate it, but I am actually OK. I regret making myself feel better by passing some of the blame onto my 11-year-old’s lack of fish research. After all, I am the parent, and I should have done some myself before spending $22 on a fish. And he certainly didn't need me to throw it back on him when he felt super sad about his mother killing his new friend.

So yeah, I feel guilty about that, but do I feel like a Bad Mother? Do I want to run away and cry in my closet, filled with shame? Actually, no, I don't. 

And that’s a massive improvement for me. I never was a “sh%t happens” kind of person. I have always been an “it’s totally my fault, and this mistake defines me now” type.

And so this fish incident is a moment I will hold on to because it reminds me that it's one thing to have an intention - but it's another to take that intention seriously. 

I take my intention to be a happier human seriously by reminding myself daily of it and taking the repeated action of gratitude to achieve it. And without taking those series of steps, or what I call parenting with gratitude™, over the past four years, again and again, I would have had a much worse weekend than I did. 

Parenting with gratitude™ is the simple equation that I have developed over the years to take what was once a fleeting wish of showing up for my kids as loving and kind most of the time - and make it a reality, 

I want to share the recipe that has made Parenting with Gratitude™ really work for me, and it is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

And the first step is Intention - in fact, I call it my GoodAF Mom Intention, which for me these days is to be a happier human and to be kind. 

That doesn’t mean all the time. It means more than yesterday or being a little less hard on myself the next time I murder a fish. And because I know at some point you reached an “enough is enough” moment or two, and you decided that something needed to change, I will stress that this GoodAF Mom Intention, the one that anchors you, will be the most crucial part to taking the steps to parent differently. 

Over the years, my intention has morphed and changed as I have grown and rediscovered the parts of me that were a little bit lost.  And as my intention became just figuring out how to be happy, I also learned that I didn’t have to be happy all the time to make this change. It was the intention that mattered. It's what changed my focus and fueled my inner healing. 

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But having an intention is not enough - it really is about what you do next.

My intention to be a happy human affected my attention. I began to look for things that made me happy, and the most obvious were my kids. Just watching them show up every day made me happy. I was grateful to be with them each day. My intention got me to a place I had never stayed for a very long time - where I stopped pushing myself to be better and just took the time to observe, to watch what I already had - and it was pretty great.  Sure, we can wish things to be different, but unlike what we were told as children, knowing is actually NOT half the battle. 

In fact, this is what Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, calls the G.I.Joe Fallacy.

To quote Santos, “We actually have to do all kinds of stuff other than just knowing stuff to change our behavior. If we really want to change our behavior, we have to change habits. We can’t just learn the stuff.”

The phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. According to Santos, we have to do it - not just once, but change our habits (or the series of learned behaviors we have formed over time). This is why even though Action is crucial to parenting with gratitude, it’s the repeating action of being grateful in many, many, many different ways that lead to real, lasting change. 

According to a 2015 study that looked at why some people act on their dreams to become entrepreneurs while others only think and dream, it was determined that the key to the implementation of an intention - the DOING instead of just the knowing - boiled down to having what they called a “commitment devices.” 

These commitment devices can come in two forms.  One relies on self-regulation and was introduced by Peter Gollwitzer in 1999, called “Implementation Intention.” Basically, once you set a clear goal with achievable steps, you can also attach it to existing experiences through an “if-then” plan. Basically, thinking through what you will do in certain situations that may challenge your intention or goal. The simplest form of an implementation intention is every time you touch the front doorknob, you say keys inside your head. Here are some others:

• “I intend to run daily, so I will lay out my running clothes each night and keep my headphones by the door.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention for this situation could be to think about running and how good it feels every night when you lay out your clothes.

• “I intend to stop yelling, so I will take a moment after it is over to notice what types of things are running through my head.” Great specific goal and intention. Your implementation intention for this goal could be reminding yourself repeatedly (when you aren’t yelling) that Moms make mistakes too, and the pause and the repair after yelling is the most important part to teach your kids. It’s not about yelling, it’s about what you do after.

• “I intend to be more grateful. Therefore, I will write five things daily while drinking my coffee.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention would be when you think about drinking your coffee as you go to bed, say gratitude list. The association between the two will eventually become part of your brain’s automatic systems in the morning.

The other was an accountability device - So telling someone that you were going to start a gratitude journal or you intend to work on your mental health this year is a catalyst for creating action, for bridging the gap from intention to action because generally, as a species we strive for favorable opinions of our peers.

You can do it.

Using the knowledge of behavioral scientists mixed with my parenting with gratitude™ formula, we can become attuned to what we want and how we will get it. This customizes our goal and makes it achievable because it's not about what other people want or even what we may have thought we wanted two weeks ago.

Let’s try the formula together:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

• What is your intention? Maybe it’s to show up as your best self and to parent differently.

• What attention does this intention need? Well, what is my “best self” in the first place? This is where self-reflection comes in very handy. Maybe your “best self” can come to the surface once all the Mom Guilt and shame of making mistakes has subsided.

• What are the repeatable steps you will take to get to a place where Mom Guilt feels less like shame and mistakes feel more like learning opportunities? 

Well, for me, I chose gratitude. A committed daily practice of remembering all the good things I do for others and what they do for me proved I wasn’t bad, and it has detached me completely from shame, from only identifying as a Bad Mom. Rooting out daily moments of gratitude has allowed me to see my inner goodness, it has allowed me to access my best self without fear of internal judgment, and it has given me the freedom to keep making the mistakes so vital to learning. 

Sure, I may be a fish murderer, but that doesnt automatically qualify me as a Bad Mom – I am a Good AS Fuck Mom who made a mistake. And you are a Good Mom, too – so find an intention statement that works for you, one that, with a bit of attention, you can bridge the gap to action and finally see results. 

Once you ask yourself the hard questions, make a list of ways to take action, and use me as an accountability partner, join my email list and hit reply, or DM me on Instagram I’ll listen. And if you're stuck for an intention, I know you are reading because maybe you have had enough or you are curious about what it would take to be more fun, well maybe for the next week you can try this one for size:

I intend to parent differently by committing to the daily practice of gratitude. 

Don’t you ever forget you have all the pieces to the equation. And you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

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Gratitude Practice: Hello Moment!

After 20 years of supporting parents, ‘practical’ mindfulness is the only way I talk about mindfulness anymore. Mindfulness is very doable, but the idea of adding mindfulness to our to-do lists is burnout-provoking. In reality, mindfulness simply means noticing what we tend to put on cruise control. I can be breathing and notice that I am breathing - that slight shift from just doing the thing to noticing the doing - that's mindfulness.

One of the obstacles to mindfulness is unpleasant emotions. If you are feeling angry it takes a lot of courage to look under than anger and see what else is there. It takes a lot of courage to feel anger too. It’s easier to move on with your day, isn’t it? Yes, mindfulness does apply to unpleasant feelings as well as pleasant ones. It applies to everything - it’s just a way to shift our awareness and become more present in our lives or even just small moments throughout the day. 

I want to talk about mindfulness in practical applications that can help us to jump the hurdles of our psyche (or what some mindfulness teachers call “resistance”), by incorporating them into our existing parenting routines.

Whenever I read a scientific study or an article on how the pandemic made our anxiety worse, the writers always say, “anxiety is worse in stressful times.” Then I think - but having a 2, 3, or 14-year-old IS “stressful times” even when the world isn’t on fire.

The stresses of parenting send you to places where you have no choice but to go.

And so even before we get to mindfulness we need to establish a little self-compassion for where we are and what we do each day. Your gratitude practice will help you to see all the good things that happen each day, and the good things you do for other people too - and for me, this is the proof that I am a good person, that what the voices in my head telling me is untrue. Once I remember my inner goodness, self-compassion can flow easier. It can be as simple as telling myself that this part’s not supposed to be easy, acknowledging that I am struggling without judgment of that struggle, or just stopping and saying that’s enough for today — these are all significant steps to take.

Mindfulness helps us stay longer in the present moment instead of bouncing forward to the future and backward to the past. And I know I have said it before, but – being in the present moment is your greatest ally as a parent.  Noticing how we feel, where we are, and what our expectations are, immediately makes parenting more of a solvable puzzle. So back to the basics here. We can notice things as pleasant and unpleasant or neutral – these are called feeling tones or vendanās in Buddhism. We can bring a soft mindful touch to those tones, and they, in turn, can keep us rooted here in the present.

Of course, you are busy, and you aren’t just going to remember to stop and feel your breath or body multiple times a day. At first, it will take some deliberate action to signal to your brain that this new way of noticing, or living in the world, with more awareness - well, it’s what you want to do now. This is why using techniques like Stop Signs, alarms, mantras, and lists is important because they replace old habits.

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GOODAF MOM GRATITUDE PRACTICE:

This is where the phrase Hello, Moment! comes in. I have painted the phrase Hello, Moment! on rocks and written it on post-it notes that I scatter around my house and car, and garden.  I like Hello, Moment! because it’s a phrase that is non-judgmental, kind, and even a little fun. If rocks aren’t your thing - you could even use a wipe-off marker to write it on the mirrors in your bathrooms.

These little reminders become an easy way to begin the repetitive training our brains require to develop new habits. This new habit is mindfulness, of pausing and noticing the moment we are in.

How does it Work in Real Life?

Maybe I am walking a basket of dirty laundry on my way to the washer and see the words Hello, Moment! on a windowsill rock or sticky note nearby. I am reminded to take a moment. What do I do with this moment? Well, maybe I go super sensory – I notice my hands holding the laundry, maybe there’s a smell to the laundry (gross) or a sound nearby. I could use it as an opportunity to list three things I am grateful for. I could also notice the feeling tones in my body of unpleasant, pleasant, and neutral, or I can look for any interior grumbling happening - I mean, it’s laundry after all - and if I want to or if it feels good to, I can deliberately notice something positive and beautiful instead - maybe the color of my favorite underwear in the pile, all moody and dark maroon.

Do it with Your Kids!

When you sit down to make three or four Hello, Moment! reminders, make sure they are cheerful, give them a sparkle, or make them pretty in some way. Then when you spot one in the wild, this “niceness” will naturally incline your mind towards that as a first step towards positivity. However you do it, make sure you place them in high-traffic areas at first, so you can get into a sort of rhythm. 

This is just one practical and no-pressure way to incorporate mindfulness into your daily routines. Adding in Stop Signs on your pick-up and drop-off routes is another, and the Choose a Color Game from Episode 12 of the podcast is another. Learning a new skill takes time, but the beauty of mindfulness is that it is always accessible. Like right now, if you stopped to notice your hands or feet, you could. Before I said that, your awareness was probably somewhere else (maybe coming up with a few places to put those rocks?) But once I said notice your hands, your mind went right there. It’s doable. And the more you do it, the more it comes in handy. You can notice, “Wow, I feel tight” or “I feel like I want to run out of this room and as far away as possible”, and offer yourself a little compassion just in time.

Because you are a GoodAF Mom who has choices. – Stef

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Moonlight Gratitude with Emily Silva

Podcast Guest:

Emily Silva

Coach, Author: Moonlight Gratitude

Are you struggling to add new routines that support your mental health as a mother? Are you feeling ashamed about not being able to stick with new habits? Discover how to add gratitude to your routine with guest Emily Silva of SoulsAdventures.com. Emily and I discuss simple ways to make new routines stick and answer a reader’s question.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

OUR QUESTION TODAY WAS THE FOLLOWING:

Why can’t I add a nightly gratitude routine?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation…

I've been doing gratitude forever and I have a great morning routine. It's very solid. But I can't practice gratitude or get into a routine at night and so this week’s question was acutally from me!

I think I've tried for 4 years to have a nourishing nighttime routine. And to give you a little back history, I used to drink at night, but I don’t anymore. I also used to have that “mom coping time” where it was finally quiet, the kids are asleep, there was no one demanding anything from me and so I'm going to have a couple of drinks and I'm going to scroll. Maybe you know it.

By the time I would hit the pillow I was exhausted and I was not sober, right? So I thought maybe that was the reason I didn't have an evening gratitude practice because I was in an altered state. However, recently I did a no-sugar diet and I cut alcohol. When I came back from the diet I decided not to drink before bed anymore. So I completely changed my habits. Now I make myself a cup of tea and then I read before bed. But even with these new habits I still couldn’t add in a gratitude practice. What should I do?

Emily: Well it sounds like you have a bedtime routine. The thing you just told me is your routine is reading and a cup of tea, that is your routine. You do it every single night. And so if you want to add gratitude to your routine that you already have, you just have to pair it. So before you open the book do your gratitude.

This shocked me because it was so simple. Of course, it you have a reward you can introduce a new aspect of a routine much easier. And the thing I like the most about my routine is the reading. So it becomes my reward. In the morning, I have always stuck to my routine because I get up 1 hour earlier than the rest of the household. And the QUIET and peacefulness of the house is my reward.

Emily: I think with habits we need to reward ourself. It's not like you're punishing yourself with the routine. It's just training yourself and so the reward is the next chapter of your book. To answer your question more generally: Why it's hard to practice gratitude at night? It’s hard because our day is done and we just went through the entire thing. And so I think sometimes we can get ourselves to bed and we're so tired that it's like I can't even do a thing. I can't even open a book and write down something. So if you're at that point, as you're going off to sleep just think of the one thing - like one magic moment of the day.

It doesn't even have to be magic. It could be just something that made you smile and I think the expectations we place on routine, morning routine, night routine, wherever we're at in our schedule — it sets us up for failure because you already have a routine, the expectation makes it feel like you don’t.

I asked Emily how she established a morning routine since she is more of a night owl:

Coffee. Using a drink in the morning or even in the evening is like pairing routine with a reward as well. Like I'm not going to have my glass of wine until I have my gratitude done. I'm not going to have my tea or coffee in the AM or I'm not going to read my next chapter. Whatever it is, we have to reward ourselves and that's something that James Clear says in Atomic Habits: In order to create a habit we need to make it easy and we need to make it enjoyable.

SOME OTHER TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION:

• Savoring good feelings for 15 to 30 seconds helps the brain to make new neural pathways - learn more here.

• James Clear empathizes that to introduce a new habit it has to be both easy to adapt and enjoyable - even if that joy comes from the reward you give yourself once it’s over. His book Atomic Habits will change the way you look at your daily routines! 

• Have you tried Itsy Bitsy Baby Yoga - it’s my favorite baby yoga book and it’s what helped me to become a morning person all those years ago when I had my first son.

You can find Emily on Instagram @soulsadventures and her books (listed below) on her website as well as on Amazon: 

• Moonlight Gratitude - new audiobook version available on Audible!

• Moonlight Gratitude: A Journal

• Find Your Glow, Feed Your Soul

• Sunrise Gratitude

Make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

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Gratitude Practice: The Hot Mom Walk

Rhythm matters to regulation, so if you are a stressed parent exercise that induces a rhythm is important to emotional regulation. Now if you follow me on Instagram you know that I post a video from my walk every morning. I love to walk, I walk three miles a day typically. And I walk fast, it's not leisurely. Exercise in general helps me overall from my physical health to my well-being. Ever since I started moving 5 days a week I have had fewer depressive episodes, and less low back pain and I am not as tired in the afternoons.

But I haven’t always walked. In fact, I really got serious about daily exercise during the pandemic because I was just dying on the inside. It was a way to balance myself out a bit. I didn’t want to leave the house because I was in charge of online schooling and basic child wrangling, so I started attending my son’s online PE classes. It was a win-win too because he was not motivated at all by the exercise videos the teacher shared and he was getting into trouble laying on his bed most of class, etc, you get it. So two birds and one stone.

We had fun doing the silly workout videos online - it was a blast - and it was f-ing hard too! I mean I haven't done burpees since I was in high school - and mountain climbers? I mean this was some real hard stuff they were doing. So a few months of that every day and I was feeling better (well, more in shape at least), and I decided I would try some online videos of my own. And so began the torture I called my pandemic exercise which consisted of all HIIT (or High-Intensity Interval Training) workouts - and yes it was intense. I did these 30-minute videos 5 days a week. Sure it felt great when they were over but WOW did they suck when I was doing them.

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Fast forward 6 months and I have reduced the videos down to like 3 days a week because it’s just too much, and I have substituted in 2 days of walking outside because its summer break, we’ve got this quarantine thing down – and it's a nice break from being in the house, to be honest. And I’m loving it, the birds, the breeze, the overall feeling of being OK and safe outside. It was so nice. But I’m also still putting in the work with the HIIT 3 days a week to make sure I'm staying fit you know? And sure it’s still torture but it feels like what exercise should be right?

At the same time as this is going on I am reading The Artist's Way, which is a classic self-development program that is targeted towards “creatives” or people who identify as such. And one morning the journaling prompt asked me to write out my perfect day. And I did - and wow, did it shape my life. The beginning of the paragraph is super crystal clear in my mind still because its what made me change overnight and it started like this:

I wake up and do my morning routine. The house is quiet and as the kids wake up I listen as they get themselves ready for school. They are old enough now that they do their own thing and I do mine. I finish in time to say goodbye as they get in the car and drive themselves to school. I stretch and get ready for my walk, I love being outside each day connecting with nature, the weather and my neighborhood. I come home and have a nice long cup of tea as I prepare my schedule for the day….

And on I go.

I can still remember sitting there reading what I wrote and marveling at the many similarities there were to the life I was already living or would in the future. The kids being older and more time for myself - it was already coming true each day. How much I loved my morning routine and listening to the quiet house - yes! But what was glaringly and obviously different was the fact that I simply went on a walk every day - I wasn’t killing myself to maintain my body and abs and squat muscles, I was enjoying my exercise. I knew right then I would be happier if I just walked every day. And I purposely let go of the belief that I wouldn’t get enough exercise and chose to slow down and do the thing that had qualified for my perfect day and to walk.

And I began to look forward to exercising - I loved walking. I pushed myself to do it fast and to break a sweat and I noticed that I didn’t gain any weight back. Sure, I may have lost some arm muscle but I didn’t care. I was outside and I felt like a weight had been lifted. I started to look around and use the walk as a time for purposeful gratitude. Sure I listened to podcasts lots of the days but for a lot of them I listened to nothing but the birds and the world around me and savored, and it was glorious. 

Come to find out I was doing something that many people were doing at the time which caught on with a trendy name - the hot girl walk. Invented by 23-year-old Mia Lind, on Tiktok, the Hot Girl Walk was born when she was stuck at home quarantining with her family instead of at USC where she was an undergrad. The Hot Girl Walk is simply a walk where instead of entertaining yourself or distracting yourself you spend the time thinking of all 3 things: Your goals, what you are grateful for, and how hot you are.

I love it. It’s such a simple formula — but of course, instead of a Hot Girl Walk, I go on Hot Mom Walks. My Hot Mom Walks are filled with gratitude, and also self-confidence boosting hip swings, but also I like to reflect on my goals for my self-growth: How am I doing? Am I treating myself well this week? Is gratitude landing the same as it did last week? What about my Mom Guilt is she still as loud as last week - how will I acknowledge her but also say no thank you? 

It’s a simple time to stop and reflect - like I always say: Checking in with ourselves is the simplest way to start any amount of healing. On a walk you don’t take the time to fix anything, you just notice, and if my mind starts getting crazy ideas like abs really do matter, I remind myself that I am walking because, from the deepest part of my psyche, something told me that my perfect day included a walk. I dont need the perfect sculpted butt or the tonest arms on the block. I just need to use this time to remember myself, to give myself the attention I so deserve, and to look around and really savor some really simple gratitude. 

We could go into the research on walking (or savoring too!) and I’m sure I could find a few studies to support the 3 miles I do each day, but I am going to go simple here - for me a Hot Mom Walk works. And maybe for you it’s something different. When I was doing the High-Intensity workouts they felt right, like just suck it up and do it Stef because it’s worth it right. But I never really wanted to do them - I want to walk every day. I enjoy it it doesn’t feel like exercise.

GoodAF Mom Gratitude Practice:

I would encourage you to sit for a few minutes sometime this week and try out The Perfect/Ideal Day journalling prompt. Try it - go from when you wake up until you hit the pillow and try to be detailed. Then look at the things you wrote. Where can you tweak your daily routine to be more in alignment with what you deeply desire? And how can you make your life a little more fun? For me it’s the Hot Mom Walk - we shall see what it is for you! Thanks for reading and remember you are already a Good AF Mom! - Stef

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Being Grateful for What Sucks

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You are not broken Mama, and you don’t need fixing.

Ok, so I am not the only person that has said this to you before, huh? I am sure that you have seen it on Instagram or Pinterest in a cute graphic, but what does “you don’t need fixing” really mean?

Well, when you are in a “fixing” mindset, everything needs to be fixed; things need a hard look and need to be rearranged or changed in some way. So if you’re sad - you need to be not sad; if your sink is full of dishes, that s#$% needs to change.

And if you identify as a woman, this is a story that you have been told since you were born. You’re too loud, you’re not polite enough, your dress is too short, and you're broken in so many ways you never knew you were - you thought you were whole, but the world told you, you were not.

And, of course, as mothers, we are told a new set of things that we are not doing well. And it makes us anxious and keeps us busy constantly fixing.  And as a community, we are not feeling ourselves anymore. We are tired AF and fed up.

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A post shared by Stef Tousignant | Parenting with Gratitude (@parent_differently)

And it’s true its not just our psyches telling us to shape up, everywhere we turn, someone is offering to FIX us and make it all better – You are parenting TOO much! and working TOO hard! and not caring for yourselves ENOUGH! OMG would you REST! But all we want is to make it through another day, eager to slip off quietly into the solitary peace of the post-bedtime routine scroll until we pass the F out.

I call this the Modern Parenting Set Up.

Needless to say, our negative leaning mindsets are not totally our fault. And the worst part of that is our brains are wired to stay vigilant to survive, so we avoid failure, and we take our mistakes very, very seriously - some would say too seriously based on our advanced environments and the relative safety our communities provide, there isn’t a tiger in every bush anymore.

So yes, we need reminding that we are not broken. We are GoodAF moms living in a messy and still evolving world. And fixing ourselves to make it all better isn’t necessarily the key. What actually needs to happen is we need to teach ourselves to look through a new lens - one that sees the world for what it is without the judging and survival instincts we carry around. 

Let's use an example: Say you walk into your toddler's room, and their room is a disaster, like toys are just like — everywhere. And immediately, obviously, you're overwhelmed. But then the next thing that comes through is: Wow, I am raising a lazy and entitled child, and I'm doing a horrible job. 

Now, back up, and go back into the room and try to lose the fixing mindset. Bring a curious, non-judgmental view instead: Wow, there are toys on the ground. Okay, what are toys for? to be played with. And without trying to fix the situation, we can see that what is happening in this room is actually a well-lived toddler life. This is a good childhood. We get to a place of wow, I'm a really good parent because I've provided the things that my child needs. And they're playing with them.  And they're growing and learning and developing as a human. And that's amazing. 

Looking around our house at the places where society has told us to think one way and actually put down the fixing mindset and look at it as what it is:

• Wow, that's a sink full of dishes and a messy kitchen floor OR Wow, That's a well-fed family. 

• Or Wow, that's a cluttered living room OR Wow, look at all the fantastic memories that room holds. 

• Let’s try another one - Look at all the crap in the garage I will never be able to park there again OR Wow, thats a lot of memories we have made together, and look at all the fun sports and activities we do as a family. 

None of these observations say you have to stop there and leave the toys on the floor or the crap in the garage, it’s about reframing your reaction to the stuff, to your environment that usually sends you directly to a place of overwhelm because it’s all just too much.  But that ‘too much’ Mama - that’s the result of a well-lived life. That’s family life.

There are a lot of people in your house, and they are doing things – they are busy growing and wearing fresh clean clothes and staying healthy with showers and baths and blueberries they drop all over the floor.

Your kids are ok. You are doing an amazing job - and you just have to look around to find the proof of that.  And so ‘stop fixing’ actually can lead to acceptance, which can actually lead to realizing that you're actually a really good parent - in fact, you are Good AF. And yes, the mantra this week is “You are Not Broken. You are perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully whole” download it for free no email required! I hope this mindset shift helps you the coming new year. - Stef

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Gratitude Practice: Stop Signs

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I am excited to share another gratitude practice I find super valuable — I think having many different ways of practicing gratitude regularly Helps boost your brain’s rewiring, but I’m not a Neuroscientist!

I do know from experience, that noticing our body states, acknowledging when things are difficult, and labeling our emotions all contribute to becoming O.K. with making mistakes and skipping the Mom Guild on our way to a more grounded and healthy life.

We live in a world constantly begging for our attention, pulling us away from our bodies and from what we are feeling at that very moment. When we live inside our phones, we have stepped out of our bodies — if we are looking at quotes that lift us up, well then phew, but if we are scrolling through clean house after gorgeously clean house - then it’s a setup! This out-of-body experience can make it seem like the present moment is not important. 

And even if we aren’t on our phone, maybe we are walking the dog or driving down that same stretch of road, our mind is a BUZZ with ideas and thoughts about landscaping designs or that annoying way our neighbor parks his car.  After all, sometimes it feels really relaxing to think! At least for me, my imagination has always been a place to let my thoughts run wild and free, but when our thoughts become judgemental or repetitive or stuck in “planning” mode - they have officially taken control of our moment AND of our life’s story, which is made up of moments upon moments. 

My 9-year-old son just recently said to me: “Mom, when I am in class, sometimes I can’t stop counting like I will count to 1000 if I let my brain do it!”  Wow - what a machine we have at our fingertips. And sometimes it feels good to count or to plan a big event – to give our brains something to do. To be out of our body, to not feel the sticky emotions left from a tough morning or week - yes, please! However, when we settle into that cozy thought pattern, we are not in control things like cultural expectations, parental modeling, habitual thinking, and survival instincts well they take the reins so to speak.

But being in the present moment is your greatest ally as a parent. 

Noticing how we feel, where we are, and what our expectations are, immediately makes parenting a solvable puzzle. It boils down to how we think, feel and behave. 

How we feel in any given moment can be the key to unlocking new and more beneficial habits. It can be the key to feeling satisfied in a world that keeps telling us we aren’t. 

Noticing how we think also accesses the same out-of-body skills we already have when we zone out –  just for good instead. We can rebrand this zone-out time as awareness time because awareness is something you have already. It’s just noticing. You are aware of where your phone is right now, right? How about your toddler? (fingers crossed...) How about when the dog has to go out next? Hopefully, that too. You have the awareness to know you are reading this and if you wanted to you could become aware of your right foot or nose right now, yep they’re there.

If this is your first practice post, I will get back to the basics here. We can notice things as pleasant and unpleasant or neutral. We can bring a soft mindful touch to those moments and they in turn can keep us rooted here in the present. Why exactly would we want that?

Because another name for when we freak out or lose ourselves to yelling or other things that feel like inner betrayals - is what neuropsychologist, Rick Hanson, Ph. D. calls “Reactive Mode”. This is a mode of living in which we spend all our mental and physical energy coping and nothing is left for healing or growth. 

This mode of living causes us to lose control over our actions and get caught in the cycle of our learned behavior and habitual/primal responses: like if we hear a crash in another room instead of running to our child and scooping them into our arms to make sure they are ok  – we yell “What happened!!? What did you do!?”

Living in this constant reactive mode can lead to an overload of both our physical and emotional systems. The stress of it may lead to a seemingly permanent shift in our perspective (like everything is always wrong) and in turn, cause the strong urge to self-medicate to soothe our guilt (mommy wine time anyone?). And if we live in that reactive mode for too long Dr. Hanson says there are risk factors for depression and other mental issues that may begin to occur. 

When it comes to our physical health I’ll let Hanson share the bad news:

“The reactive mode assumes that there are urgent demands, so its not concerned with your long-term needs...bodily resources are depleted while building projects such as strengthening the immune system are put on hold, adrenaline and cortisol course through the blood, and fear, frustration and heartache color the mind.”

I live with both anxiety and depression as many of us do these days. I am very aware of the diligence it takes to keep myself from slipping into suffering, whether it’s due to the past or the future at any given moment. I have grown tired of the days lost to depression, the loneliness of living in the future worrying about it all, and so mindful awareness is not just a practice anymore, now it's a way of living. 

Teaching my brain to be more mindful and present helps me to stay out of reactive mode, and I can respond to my children instead. A consistent state of mindful awareness helps me to notice when I have taken the first steps toward rumination or fearful anticipation. Sometimes it’s just noticing that I have fallen into a depression on the first day it hits versus after a full week or so - but wow I will take it.

Typically mindful awareness is introduced with meditation. Take 5 minutes and notice your breathing and watch your thoughts go by like clouds. I think there are many things we ask of parents in this day and age and taking 5 or 10 minutes to meditate just feels like one more big “Ask” I’m not willing to request. I know that what you get out of these podcast episodes is that time to look inside and ask yourself the tough questions you need to ask. 

And if you meditate already - yes it’s amazing and you know the benefits. You understand the levels of calm and ease that can come from sitting still. You may have even discovered some things lurking under the surface that needed to be felt and released. These are all the good parts of meditation. But if you are stressed out because you can’t even pee alone then just forget about it for now. 

So we find ways for you to build this muscle without having to squeeze in another 10 minutes by waking up earlier or taking over your precious naptime.  This is the true self-care - when you can care for your children by first caring for yourself - for valuing your life so much that you choose to live it in the present. 

So our mindful self-care for today is an exercise that I like to call: Building In Stop Signs

Let’s be clear, pressuring yourself to be “mindful” all day will make you miserable. You will not notice enough, or you will be too conscious of all the negative emotions, etc, etc. No. The key to beginner's mindfulness is to build “Stop Signs” into your day. And the second key is using gratitude to give your mind a job to do while you reflect.

We all shuttle our kids to and from music classes and school and sports, no matter what age they may be, so car time offers a great opportunity for us to weave mindfulness into our day. I love to drive and used to take huge long road trips alone before I had kids. This was pre-podcast so I would listen to books on tape or NPR for hours on end, but what I was really doing was thinking, letting my mind go wild! I would drive for 2 hours and not even notice how far I had gone. The car was not a very “aware” place for me. So making a place where I checked in with myself felt like a steep climb at first, but it wasn’t. 

I didn’t realize it at first, but I have a place on the highway I tend to arrive at that breaks me out of my car-driving stupor. It's the mountain near my house. The largest thing on the horizon so it’s tough to ignore and when I reach it I am typically woken up from my thinking trance. At first, it was an innocent “oops, I forget I was driving for a minute” realization. But it has grown into a purposeful “Stop Sign” now. 

When I get to the mountain I use it to check in, to notice different things about my present moment. Any number of inquiries can run through my head at that point pulling me back into my body and the world around me:

• Oh man, was I zoned out the entire time I went to grab takeout? 

• How are you doing Stef, what’s your body like right now? 

• Can you think of one thing to be grateful for right now?

• Have you noticed the song on the radio? How does it make you feel? 

• Look at the light on the mountain, isn't it gorgeous today? 

You get it. The more I do this, the earlier on the highway I can catch my zone out and look around and, more importantly check-in. This Stop Sign is usually the place where I discover I have been carrying a headache around all day. I can unclench my teeth and let the realization seep in that the pain most likely contributed to my mood or feeling a little off or impatient around my kids that day. And I allow myself to release a bit of tension.

Seeing the mountain sometimes inspires me to dive into what makes me happy. I'll finally notice the song that is on and do some deep listening, finding each individual instrument in the background, following them as they weave in and out of the melody. Or if it's a day that I need a release, I will crank it up and sing so loudly that the part of me that wants to yell is freed — before I get home. 

And so, I would encourage you to find your Stop Sign this week to incorporate more noticing and gratitude during the day. We can put our noticing skills to the test here, asking ourselves (sometimes multiple times a day) what we are grateful for. And remember, this is not an opportunity to criticize or even change what is going on - I can’t fix my headache in the car, after all, I notice it and accept that, yep I am in pain, and it sucks.

Choosing to notice the fog around the mountain or if you choose folding laundry as your Stop Sign — then the soft texture of a towel as you fold it — may seem small, but these are the compounding practices that make a big difference to our brains rewiring. So even if the stresses of parenting send you to places that you have no choice to go, you still have a choice: you can simply notice the present moment use your gratitude anchor to find something good, and allow the rest to just be - because a bit of reactivity or a lot of reactivity doesnt make you a bad mom, it makes you human, and I know you are Good As Fuck.  - Stef

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Other Posts on Practice:

Gratitude Practice: Love and Kindness Body Scan

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Let’s do a ‘parenting with gratitude exercise where we focus on our bodies. Every few posts or so, I try to give you another gratitude exercise to try because I want you to have that moment when things click, that you say, “Oh yeah, it’s so simple I just have to breath” or “Damnit I AM a Good AF mom — that’s right.” 

I think it’s important to offer a variety of options for you using the catalyst of gratitude - we have done regimented practices like lists and alarms and more creative, fast-paced ones like rapid-fire gratitude and family fun – but we haven’t dropped into the body - that grounding place we carry with us at all times. 

Focusing on our bodies and their experiences during our changing emotional states is called a somatic approach. Yes, some of the exercises somatic therapists use involve breathing, dance, or meditation – but hang on with me a bit if that is too woo for you. What I am suggesting is not some ecstatic dance; I am interested in helping you to tune in with the messages your body is trying to tell you when maybe your brain just wants to keep you nice and busy. 

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For example, when I am feeling sad, and I feel it in my body, it feels like a deep dark hole in my heart, and anxiety, well, that’s a really somatic emotion where we can feel tight or vibration or agitation that rips through - that one is hard to miss. And yes, these are the more obvious and uncomfortable emotions, but I also feel gratitude in my body, like a warm light shining from my heart.  

And there are so many more - everyone has their individualized body sensations. When we are busy, not paying attention, or just caught up in modern parenting life, we can miss the more subtle cues our bodies are trying to tell us, like - “That doesn’t feel like the right choice” or “I dont really like talking to her.” And these missed moments can contribute to our feelings of uneasiness in our lives or just general dissatisfaction. 

Typically in these practice articles, I share exercises that work for me to self-reflect, contribute somehow to my long-term healing, or offer self-compassion — all using the prompt of gratitude — and since I feel like I have skipped the body up until this point, I started to sort through my days and experiences to see if I could offer a few somatic options.

A real basic and something we haven’t talked about much on the blog is a body scan, and as soon as I thought of it, I was like, duh, Stef – because I wrote an entire book for kids based on a body scan called The Middle of the Night Book.

A body scan is the perfect example of a somatic exercise you can do to check in with yourself and see just where your body is at. And a body scan is something you can do with or without having to experience a significant and possibly crappy emotion coursing through it. I love the extra attention it gives to the different microclimates of my body and the curiosity and openness it requires. In Buddhism, they call those microclimates feeling tones and typically label them as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral to take some of the mind triggers and judgment out of the process. 

To do a Love and Kindness Body Scan you don’t have to be lying down or in a meditative state - you can simply be sitting in the school pick-up line or feeding your baby a bottle, and you bring your attention to specific body parts. Start from your feet and move part by part up your body, and at each part, you pause and say something kind like Thank you for your support feet, or I send you love and warmth legs - yes, it may feel cheesy but trust me your body does not care. Take your time and go all the way up your body saying these kindnesses and gratitudes – and once you are done, you can offer that baby you're holding the same love and kindness, or if you are alone, then the world - may all beings everywhere be loved and at peace.

This is a simple way I give myself the attention I so deserve. And you deserve it too. Using this type of preventative self-care is vital so that when you do feel a deep and wide emotion like grief or anger, allowing it to be there will be your first step, noticing it and then offering it kindness - I see you deep dark hollow in my chest, I am not going to run away this time. I offer you love and kindness, and respect the messages you may bring up.

We are complex beings who sometimes get stuck inside our heads, I sure do, and the messages up there are hit or miss. The body never lies. It will tell you just what you need to know - it’s just whether or not you take the time to listen. - Stef

Building Blocks to Parenting with Gratitude™

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Since the focus is so heavily on gratitude during the month of November, we are going to shift a bit to talk about skills that we can use year-round for parenting with gratitude™. It’s not just during November that you can layer support upon a daily gratitude practice and add some real punch to your self-growth journey.

If you have read my Gratitude Cheatsheet, you know I have a list of habits I try to practice that build upon my intention for a grateful life. That list was made with the blood, sweat, and tears (well, not really blood) of my own trial and error as I figured out just what worked when supporting this new life filled with gratitude. What new skills could I learn during this process that would set me up for success? 

Well, there are many! Let’s read the list again:

• Wake up a bit earlier, nothing crazy, just like 5 minutes earlier. Write down 10 things you are grateful for - this trains your brain away from the negativity bias. (Gratitude)

• Remind yourself your children don’t know your past traumas or the emotional burdens you may carry. (Equanimity)

• Then remind yourself that they are new to this planet. (Empathy)

• Go through your day and observe your children with the same awe and wonder they observe the world. (Joy and Delight)

• Start saying out loud the nice things that are already in your head. (Affirmations)

• Begin noticing when you’re upset and what your expectations are at that moment. (Mindfulness)

• Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. (Compassion)

• Mentally list 3 things you're grateful for as you get into bed. (Courage)

• Remind yourself of one thing that went well during the day. (Self-Reflection)

These steps are some of the ACTION components to our well-being equation - which is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results 

And they are also rooted in positive emotions that take advantage of Barbara Fredrickson's Broaden and Build cycle. And if you want to know more about the magic of the broaden and build cycle listen to Episode 13 of the podcast.
Today I’m excited to dig into three of the ideas that center around our children, and they are:

• Remind yourself that your kids don’t the emotional burdens you carry. 

• Remind yourself that they are new to this planet. 

And 

• Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. 

To do this, we need to talk about Professor Robert Emmons's ARC Model of Gratitude. He says that gratitude does three things as we become more accustomed to its role in our lives. It Amplifies, Rescues, and Connects or ARC. Gratitude amplifies the good in our world. It helps us to see MORE of it all around us and then expect more of it as we live our everyday lives. And over time, that mindset builds and grows. 

Gratitude rescues us from the negative-leaning aspects of our minds. Have you ever felt stuck in a cycle of forgetfulness or laziness? Yep, that’s your mind at work - keeping you safe but also keeping you pretty cramped and grumpy, always looking for the next thing to go wrong. In addition to our mind’s natural tendency towards the negative, we are influenced by our environments where negative news gets more attention and the louder you yell on social or, the more salacious you act, the more ‘likes’ you get.

It’s exhausting! As Professor Emmons says it, gratitude rescues us from the negativity trap, “rescues us from the thieves that derail our opportunity for happiness, and gets us back on track to contentment and inner peace.”

And finally, gratitude connects! Once you are out of that ‘funk’ and you notice all the good around you, even the most challenging relationships may feel like less of a threat to you. In fact without gratitude, our society would crumble. We would not be connected in the ways we are to people that are outside our family unit. But when you look up from your phone and say “Thank You” to your barista an automatic link is formed between you both, and the world is better for it. 

Using the ARC model, we can take a closer look at our relationship with our children. The first system I use is to amplify my gratitude. And I do this with a series of reminders. You can write these down on a post-it and put them in your car or make a reminder that pops up once a week on your phone or you can simply reflect on them from time to time, but again they are: 

• Remind yourself that your kids don’t the emotional burdens you carry. 

• Remind yourself that they are new to this planet. 

Why do these amplify my gratitude? Well, first off, thank goodness that when I snap at my son, the only thing he sees on his end is me snapping - not my Mom Guilt or my Inner Critic telling me to hurry up or do a better job - he doesn’t need that crap it’s bad enough his mom is mad. And when we cut through the drama and simply see it as “snapping” it’s much easier to notice. Noticing when we act out of alignment with our goals is the first step towards what I call the “Juicy Pause,” or allowing for a longer and longer pause BEFORE the actual mistake. Maybe we breathe instead or use a gentle parenting phrase. But there is no pause without first noticing the unwise action – and there is noticing the unwise action when it’s covered up with a story filled with suffering, “You have to be better” - “You need to hurry up, or you will be late” - “You have to finish this report in total silence or it won’t be tight enough for presentation tomorrow.”  You know the scary voices. So reminder #1 - Your kids do not know your emotional burdens.

Reminder #2 - Your kids are new to this planet. Maybe you have a 2-year-old. That means they have been here for 24 months. That’s it. Total. Of course, they are gonna be a mess they literally just learned how to use their limbs. And sometimes they can talk like you but a lot of the time they can’t! My son, who is 10 - he’s new here! Sure he’s been around the block a few times, but he has not experienced nearly as much as I have or his brother, who is 14. He still hasn’t learned to regulate his emotions or sit still for more than a half hour - and that’s fine! I am grateful for the chance to guide him along the way - the empathy from this type of mindset shift helps us to see just how much effort they are putting in each day to grow and just to learn the lingo and the neighborhood. Would you consider someone who moved into your neighborhood three years ago a local? Or maybe they still have a few things to learn that, if asked you would be happy to teach them.

Empathy also rescues you from the ruminations of parenthood, the 100 times you need to tell them to bring their backpacks in from the car or stay away from the dog’s water dish. Remembering their new here can rescue your mind from the negative places it wants to go like impatience and frustration and bring you back to the present where it’s all one big adventure, and you just happen to be the loving tour guide.

So there are the reminders that amplify and rescue, and then there is the nighttime routine which helps to Connect. But here’s the best part especially for those of you in the throws of toddlerhood moodiness…You do it when they are asleep.

Try this for a week: Before you head off to bed for the night, sneak into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. Savor it. They aren’t awake, so they can’t talk back. You want to think about the most positive aspects of your relationship. If you want, you can list three things that you love about them in your head or write them down and leave them as a morning note. 

If you do this for a week, you will feel a deeper connection grow with your child, and sometimes we need this so that we can access the empathy and mindfulness needed to notice.

As James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, famously says, “You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems.” And just like our GoodAF Mom Intention these ideas are not just a “try it once and let it go” activity. I offer them up as routines that you can incorporate into your parenting - they are the building blocks of what I call Parenting with Gratitude™. Just little tweaks you can make to your normal life that over time will have a big impact. We don’t need to wipe the slate clean, only amplify what is already here and true, rescue our minds from habitual thoughts and reactions and connect with the humans around us. So give it a try and I hope you know – You’re a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

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More posts on Gratitude:

How to Avoid Toxic Positivity while Remaining Grateful

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How can we remain grateful while also staying away from toxic positivity?

We are now in what my family calls ‘The Gauntlet’. The time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s that seems to go by SO Fast. And while it's exciting and fun, it’s also a lot. And I want to talk about that “a lot-ness” and about how we can acknowledge both the overwhelming aspects of a situation while also seeing the good - the silver linings.

When we accept that there are both shitty sides to the season and glorious ones, we can become more in alignment with ourselves, the present moment and our GoodAF Mom Intention.

And to do this you can use a visualization practice:

I want you to identify one SMALL annoyance in your life right now and focus on it. We aren’t gonna do a big issue today – but something that is still a bit stressful like a cookie exchange you committed to or getting matching PJs in time (both of these work for me actually). We are not going to make it go away – but silly enough we are going to make it into a household object - so pick something neutral like a hair tie or a coin got it?

Now think about your house. Some places are pleasant, there are places that are unpleasant (I see you, laundry), and then there are neutral places like a window sill that maybe gets good light but not great and isn't too shady. It’s just a neutral spot in your home.

Now please take that coin or hair tie or whatever, hold it close to your chest, and allow yourself to feel the intensity of that annoying situation as much as you can, and as you do so, place all of the feelings inside the object. Now that the object has been filled, place it on the window sill.

Now I want you to think of a situation around this time of year that fills you to the brim with gratitude or joy. And find another neutral object in your home that you will infuse with this feeling - maybe a pencil or tube of chapstick, nothing with a story. Hold it tightly and close, close, close, infusing it with all the good feelings this situation gives you. And when you are done place it on the windowsill next to the other one, just side by side they dont need to be touching.

Now take a step back.

What do you see? Well, two objects, right? Neither the hair tie nor the tube of chapstick has meaning when they are sitting there on the windowsill. They just are. One is not better than the other. One is not louder nor more vital to your world. But here’s the thing - the intensity you feel if you pick them up is similar. Studies show that stress and excitement exist in the same chemical makeup within the body in fact. However, it’s the story that we attach to the hair tie that makes it feel like suffering or anxiety, while the chapstick feels more like anticipation. 

OK, you can leave the items there on the shelf and come back to reality. They will be fine - in fact, as you walk away and come back to reality, you may notice that the anxiety you felt around the hair tie is actually more manageable now. You know where it is but you put it down for now.

This exercise does not mean you should cling to your over-commitments this season — if anything you should weed some out while it’s still early. But instead of talking about saying No this season (let’s save that for another week) we are going to talk about Benefit Finding today – and also how our relationship to stress either makes situations more manageable or just plain chaotic. I hope that this blog makes it clear that being positive all the time is not the ultimate goal. My overall well-being and yours is the goal - not blind optimism.

So if you’re unhappy or feel like your wellness journey has been put on the back burner — or left behind in childless life — you’re in the right place. Burning out is something that happens to us all and these days it happens even faster than before BECAUSE of the perfect parenting messages we receive and our surrounded by on the daily.

I ALREADY KNOW YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT.

You’re here reading this after all. I just think (myself included) that we forget to look at all the good things we do every day because the “bad” is so heavy and LOUD. When we hurt our kids it feels awful - like so, so bad. When we are tired we get triggered, if we carry uninvestigated emotional baggage or trauma it comes out, and if we are burned out we are not able to parent the way we want. But you aren’t all bad - you are a loving and kind parent whose intentions are good – you have both hair ties and you have chapsticks on your windowsill — and because of that truth I also know there are a million things you are doing right each day. Using a daily gratitude scan to notice the good we are fighting the autopilot to mom-shame or self-doubt.

When we are living through difficult circumstances like the ongoing stress we felt throughout the pandemic, if we can notice both our suffering and the silver lining of our circumstances and hold them as equally important we provide our brains the opportunity to grow what are called “benefit finding” muscles that support our overall resiliency. 

What is Benefit-Finding? The first studies on this skill were conducted with children who were in chronic pain due to illness and benefit finding referred to the process of perceiving positive consequences in the face of adversity – finding the silver lining in tough situations even ones that may cause a significant amount of personal suffering. However, most importantly the perception of a “silver lining” with an adverse event was most beneficial when derived with internal motivation and not external triggers. 

From the book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.linked in show notes  says:

“To my ears, benefit finding sounds like the kind of positive thinking that tries to scurry away from the reality of suffering: Let’s look on the bright side so we don’t have to feel the pain or think about the loss.”

However she goes on to say:

“But despite my own allergic reaction, this research doesn't suggest that the most helpful mindset is a Pollyannish insistence on turning everything bad into something good. Rather it’s the ability to notice the good as you cope with things that are difficult. In fact, being able to see both the good and the bad is associated with better long-term outcomes than focusing purely on the upside…Looking for the good in stress helps most when you are also able to realistically acknowledge whatever suffering is also present.”

Tough times are not a good thing - wishing pandemic parenting on you so you can grow is insane and something I would never do. However, learning to accept that the tough times will be part of the whole modern parenting package and STILL see within them the good can help you cope with the feelings of helplessness. When you can see your circumstances as both temporary and also beneficial (even in the smallest way) you can adjust your mindset enough to regain your footing.

So things are both good and not so good - and thats’s O.K. right? We all have our hair ties and our chapsticks and we can put them down and look at them as just what they are - parts of a well-lived life. Share where you are in your journey with me - I would love to know, you can email me at parentdifferently@gmail.com or shoot me a DM on Instagram and I want you to remember that you are already Good AF Mom. - Stef

Yes, you can meditate

Yes, you can meditate — and parent, and work, and sleep, and breathe, and pay the bills....and it’s not called “doing it all”. Self-reflection is simple and free self-care.

I see this a lot in my social feeds: “meditating every day does not solve a working parent’s problems,” and I have to push back. I understand the sentiment of course: our culture doesn’t take care of parents, and that starts first and foremost in the workplace.

But dissing sitting quietly to notice how you feel makes me uncomfortable. Also, I believe referencing “meditation” here doesn’t make any sense - in reality, what we are talking about is taking a moment for self-reflection. That could look like sitting for 5 minutes and focusing on your breath - that could look like walking around the block without a podcast or your phone. Self-reflection CAN help with parents’ problems because it takes the focus off the hectic world we reside in and brings us back to our core, our self, and where we are emotionally.

And so I think this is an apples-to-oranges situation. What they should be saying is that a 5-minute break does not make the stress of modern parenting any better because you still need to endure the demands of a 40-60 hour workweek and no social support from our government.

No amount of Self-reflection will fix our work-obsessed, “pretend you don’t have a family” culture — but it’s not gonna make it any worse either.

How do I know? Well, it starts with the insight of a nine-year-old. One of my sons is a big afterschool talker (either you have an oversharer or a non-sharer, you’ll see). One day last year, he came home and shared that he had a bad stomachache at school, “Mom I was feeling really, really bad, like really bad. So I stopped and took a breath. And it didn’t make me feel better, but it stopped me from feeling worse!”

An adult version of a “stomachache” could be anything: anger, resentment, overwhelm, burnout, or just plain sadness. And we walk around with these aches, not noticing. And when we DO notice, it’s because things get SO bad we have to, and it’s WAY too late. We are burned out and have been stressed for days. We need the skills to notice our stomachaches earlier so we can take the necessary next steps. Instead, what does it take for us to notice? Typically it’s something we can’t ignore: we lose it on our child or our partner, or our body gives out in some way, we push good friends away, we get into a fender bender…

When I had 2 kids under 10 years old, I worked 50-60 hour weeks, traveled, and dealt with start-up hours and investors’ insane demands. One day, I lost all feeling in my left arm - my body had finally had too much. It slammed on the brakes and made me notice how out of alignment my life had become.

In addition to not noticing, we use distraction and indulgence to ignore or withdraw from bad feelings as they try to reveal themselves. Some of us spend too much money online or watch too much TikTok at work — or maybe we drink too much.

Whatever it is — these coping mechanisms keep us from discovering that we have hit our mental health wall and boom! we are in a full-blown Mom Tantrum, and we don’t know how we got there.

I know the people who crap on meditation have hit a mental health wall before — that seems evident from their determination to care for the blights of the working parent. Unfortunately, well-meaning or not, they have got it all wrong. Meditation is not a chance to zone out and “be calm” — and it’s certainly not an escape.

Meditation, or just a simple practice of self-reflection, is the opportunity to train your brain to notice your state - good, bad, or ugly. Your state is just your mood or fleeting emotion you may be experiencing. And once we can notice our state, we can attend to our needs before #$*& hits the fan. We can use this self-reflection technique as simple and accessible self-care. And when we do it leads to more self-care: like a walk outside or chatting with a friend.

I have lived the “Start-Up” life, my husband worked 12-hour days, too, add in that we also were living in one of the most expensive cities in the world, of course, we were exhausted. Until I started to take care of myself, it only felt like it was going to get worse — but as soon as I started taking care of myself, I didn’t get better right away but it stopped getting worse. And I realized that I had choices.

That’s what our “money-as-success” culture takes away from us — choices that come from a broad perspective — and it takes away our curiosity too. We’re just so exhausted and are lulled into the false notion that we have to go to work and be perfect there and go home and be perfect there, too. We forget to question any of it. Perfection does not need to be your truth because it can’t be, you’re a parent, and #&$% happens: your kid gets lice the night before a three-day business trip, or your boss tells you that you need to add another responsibility to your list with no additional pay, or one of your arms becomes unusable and in severe pain (these are all real things that have happened to me!!).

When you are in a state of exhaustion, looking within can feel like a trap, like an unwinnable bargain you will make with the devil - after all what will you find, and does it matter? But it does. Because you matter, and hustle culture keeps you in motion precisely so you WON’T stop and look within. But that’s where all your answers will lie.

So, of course, five or 10 minutes of self-reflection daily will not solve the demands of modern work culture. These two things have nothing to do with one another — yet if you fix one, the other becomes a little more manageable. And you begin to notice what parts of work you like and don’t.

So I would say YES, learn to notice your emotions and moods, and more and more, you will discover all the choices available. How can you do this? Well, you have got to dig yourself out with your own two hands. The government isn’t gonna come save you, and your boss isn’t gonna come save you, and the culture isn’t going to change overnight. The only person that can change overnight is you - and if it were me, I would start with the self-care of a daily moment of reflection. ✌️ - Stef

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How Often Should I Practice Gratitude?

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Experts like Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman and Dr. Laurie Santos say you can experience a real bump in your overall well-being by adding a repeating gratitude practice to your daily life. And I want you to feel that bump because I know you need it. However, we aren’t going to get there without doing the work.

Sure, writing in a gratitude journal once definitely improves your mood. But it’s like exercise: If you want results, you need to stick with it. You aren’t going to improve your heart health with a week of gym workouts - it’s more likely that an overall lifestyle change of consistent exercise, healthy eating, more water, and fewer determinantal choices will make the difference.

Committing to methods that positive psychologists have proven beneficial means making a lifestyle shift.

It also means trying out things that may or may not work - for me, it was gratitude. For a friend, it was self-compassion.

Look, when I committed to daily exercise, I started with HIIT workouts - and I hated doing them, but as soon as I switched to walking every day, my mood improved, and so did my health. For me, gratitude works - and it may work for you - but you won’t know until you give it an honest try to commit to and start the daily work. 

And the question I usually get next is – is a daily or weekly reflection the most effective? Well, even though I am a proponent of making a daily list of things you are grateful for, I also know that science goes back and forth on this. In that way, it is different than exercise (although we all know the importance of a rest day for our body and stamina).

Some studies show if you save up all your positive emotion work for one day a week, it may have a bigger impact on your mental health than doing it every day. My issue with a weekly practice is I just don’t see us busy moms sticking with a one-day-a-week habit, I can barely remember which day my son has piano - but I brush my teeth every day and even remember deodorant.

In this study, named: Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change – they conclude it’s the intensity of the feeling that is lost if we, as they did, go out and try to do one good thing for other people every day. They found the positive benefits of that act were actually less impactful because it got folded up into all the other kind things we do regularly. But if we were to do like 5 or 6 awesome acts of kindness in one day - well yeah, I would remember that a lot longer, that’s for sure. 

But what this particular study does not consider is something I know well - everyday parenting life.  Even before I had kids of my own, as a professional nanny, it was my job to understand the demands of modern parenting. I know the ebbs and flows of sicknesses, disasters, regressions, and LIFE. Life happens with kids.

And that’s the main reason I stand by a daily practice as the most impactful way to practice gratitude for parents because the real secret is…I know you're not gonna do it every day – I just know it. Catastrophes happen every other day - and the gratitude list will be the first thing to go. I know it because it happens to me too. 

And so I’m going to stick to this “every day” thing here because I want you to experience the cognitive changes that really do happen if, in reality, you only end up practicing 2 or 3 days as a result of our hectics lives. THAT’S A WIN in my book.

The other reason I think daily practice is doable is that I believe we have more to be grateful for than people without kids. Is that going to get me in trouble? Probably, but we are keeping small humans alive here - small humans and sometimes multiple humans at once! 

The way I define gratitude changed when I had kids. I am not talking about your average “Thank You” card here. I believe that when you become a parent, gratitude just hits differently.  And so we are talking about what I call: Parental Gratitude.  

My definition goes beyond the altruistic acts of traditional gratitude. I think it is more intangible than that, more closely related to what some researchers call Existential Gratitude - like the deep gratitude we feel just to be alive. In 2019, Dutch researchers Lillian Jans Beken and Paul T.P Wong found that existential gratitude is distinct from the more general dispositional gratitude. Look, I use them both, to be honest, when I make a list, but if you are looking for a high level of intensity, the gratitude I feel surrounding my children is the one. For me, parental gratitude is as easy as finding something to be grateful for when you go for a walk. And so, based on this, can you make a list of 5 to 10 things each day with the intensity needed to really feel them and have them stay? I think so. And if you can’t do 10, do 4 super deeply.

And finally, the last reason I strongly encourage you to practice daily is the value you will get from pushing through the more challenging days to do it.

“There will be days when you feel like doing anything other than finding reasons to be grateful, but pushing through these days will empower you and help you build the strength and resilience necessary to push through other challenges.” - says JASON MARSH, the executive director of The Greater Good Science Center at Cal Berkeley

And so, I have a few gratitude practice options for you:

1. You can do the 3:33 pm Alarm - click here for more on that one. 

2. You can choose a weekly Gratitude Day where you journal or choose a gratitude practice that you engage intensely with throughout the day, and you do it every week.

3. Or finally, if you want to give the daily habit a try, you can Habit Stack - this means finding another habit you are already committed to, like brushing your teeth, skincare, drinking that afternoon cup of coffee, and adding your gratitude list to that time. “Every day when I have a second cup of coffee I will list 4 things I am grateful for.”

Finally – take breaks from your gratitude routine if you feel like the effects are not as strong or you are not feeling your thankfulness intensely as you had in the past. 

I have had this happen numerous times over the past 4 years. I simply take a break for a month or two, and when I begin to feel like something is off again, I remember to pick it back up. As my favorite gratitude researcher Professor Emmons says: “We adapt to positive events quickly, especially if we constantly focus on them,” “It seems counterintuitive, but it is how the mind works.”

So not that you need it, you have my permission to take a few days off, and don’t get discouraged! This isn’t everyone’s stepping stone to a more mindful parenting experience, but it is for some, and I hope you give it a solid try before moving on to something else. And remember, you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef

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Other posts on Gratitude:

Daring to Parent Differently: Your Official Pep Talk

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Download this week’s Gratitude Mantra and put that s&#t on your phone! (or tablet). Totally free no email required.

Your intention to parent differently stems from a deep well of courage.

Did you know that?

The bravery it takes to look at our conditioning and make a change requires going to the places where we are most vulnerable. And that can be scary and hard. But it works, shining the light on our shadows, learning to know them, and love them too. It works, but it’s hard work. And we are doing it (!!) — and each day we stretch open a little bit allowing more and more light to seep in illuminating what we used to know and what is actually true.

“What Right Aspiration translates to in terms of daily action is the resolve to behave in a way that stretches the limits of conditioned response.” - Silvia Bornstein, It’s Easier Than You Think.

We are parents who are looking for new options so so many different reasons; maybe we want to break the cycle of childhood trauma, maybe we want to step outside of what the culture thinks is “normal” or maybe our lived experiences have forced a new perspective. No matter what your initial motivation is - know that we are all in this together and I know just as well as you do that this is not an easy path to forge. It’s even harder when you are the trailblazer unable to rely on advice, or modeling, or even your instincts at first.

We are not the first who are willing to make a change - willing to bleed a little to grow. Brené Brown famously uses the Teddy Roosevelt quote in her book Daring Greatly and I will use it here as well:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again... who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” - Theodore Roosevelt

How are you parenting differently? How are you daring greatly?

• Maybe you have decided to live sustainably - amazing!

• Maybe you have decided to separate from a toxic parent - wow, so brave!

• Maybe you have decided that one child is enough - you do you!

• Maybe you are transparent with your children about your emotions - kudos!

• Maybe you apologize to your children when you are wrong - dare to care!

• Maybe you decided that your happiness matters more than being a perfect parent - scary but so brave!

• Maybe your family limited screens and TV - keep going!

• Maybe each day you wake up and stubbornly look this crazy world in the face and with the determination of someone who radiates only love, you counter suffering with the power of gratitude. - that’s me, and I am brave.

Wherever you have decided enough is enough - I see you. I honor your bravery. The courage and strength to do just one of these things in the face of judgment, criticism, and even shame is a lesson that your children will never forget. I applaud you all. Thank you for your intention to parent differently.

p.s…. love the positivity? Follow me on all the socials and never miss a pep talk.

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Gratitude Practice: Baby Steps

OK, so maybe a daily gratitude list is out of reach for right now. Every stage of motherhood is going to be different, there are different time restraints and different priorities and so I don’t expect every one of you to be able to sit for 5 minutes each morning and make a list.

However, training your brain toward a more positive relationship with yourself should be one of the top priorities (right under feeding that baby).

So this is your baby step - the 3:33 pm alarm.

And I want us all to share how we incorporate this into our lives on Instagram so tag me in your stories @parent_differently

The 3:33 pm alarm is going to help us introduce the concept of parenting with gratitude into your life in a very simple and easy way.

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Listen to this post as a podcast!

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So what is this concept of Parenting with Gratitude? Why do I want us to get deep into this?

I like to say that the recipe for achieving well-being is this:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results

We have discussed setting an intention in the past you can read more about it here.

So we take our intention, and we add ATTENTION.

That means we are going to start to train our brains to notice what we want to notice - not what it was programmed to notice because of evolutionary biology.

If our intention is: to parent differently, we need to bring attention to our parenting.

If our intention is: to become our best selves, then we need to bring attention to ourselves!

I do this without losing my mind by looking at all the parts of parenting that fill me up. We already have the Negativity Bias to help us obsess over the mistakes, so now it’s time to shift our attention to looking at the good.

Enter the 3:33 pm alarm. The positive things we look for will be made into a short list of 3, and you will be reminded each day to make your list, and yep, its as simple as setting an alarm on your phone for 3:33 - then when it goes off wherever you are I want you to focus your attention on 3 good things, or 3 things you are grateful for, or whatever is positive and going well.

Other things we can look for are:

• What went well yesterday?

• What makes you a good mom?

• What you are grateful for?

• What did you provide for your family in the last hour?

• Who made you smile this morning?

• Who helped you or who did you help?

We are going to do this as a baby step to the big kahuna, which is a daily list of gratitude. This alarm will teach you to stretch your brain a bit each day and notice what may be overshadowed by stress, crying, work, and forgetting the lunch box, you name it.

I believe that Gratitude is the simplest tool we can use to ease the everyday stress of parenting. 

Science shows our mindset matters but also, that our route to living a more satisfying life tends to go directly through hardship. 

In our case, that hardship is also a gift pssst…its parenting.

Parenting brings with it the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It tests us and asks of us again and again, to grow and to become more wise, patient, and gracious. 

Here’s a quote from Scott Bary Kaufman from his recent article on tragic optimism in the Atlantic:

 “In recent years, scientists have begun to recognize that the practice of gratitude can be a key driver of post-traumatic growth after an adverse event and that gratitude can be a healing force. Indeed, a number of positive mental health outcomes are linked to a regular gratitude practice, such as reduced lifetime risk for depression, anxiety, and substance-abuse disorders.”

Choose a traumatic event: COVID, overturning of Roe vs. Wade, pervasive school shootings, caregiver burnout - and I’ll assure you that we are ready for a healing force.  Google's "Year in Search" revealed searches for "How to maintain mental health" reached a worldwide high in 2021, as well as searches for affirmations and women’s health. We are crying out for science-backed practices that work.

So this is your baby step - the first practice that will help to establish a routine of daily gratitude. To remind you to look for the good - because we need to train your brain to see just how Good AF you already are.

Listen to the podcast on the 3:33 PM Alarm for more!

And don’t forget to follow on social for all things gratitude, parenting and positivity.

October Gratitude - Podcast Launch & Free Mantra Download

The Podcast has officially launched!

Every week I will be sharing a bit more about parenting, gratitude, and mindfulness.

Are you ready to parent with more patience, empathy, and compassion but gave up gentle parenting after one exhausting never ending day?

Then you need to subscribe to “Parent Differently with Gratitude”!

Listen in as I offer you a sneak peek into my journey to normalize imperfect parenting and discover the gifts a committed gratitude practice can bring to modern family life.

Parenting with gratitude is not the end goal - it's the method. 🎟

It's the means to achieving the goal of gentle parenting without skipping the prep phase.

🎧 Listen to this podcast if you want to parent differently than you were raised.

🎧 Listen to this podcast if you want to parent differently than you did 5 years ago.

👉 Hint: it starts with figuring out how to be less triggered and more present; less burned out and more accepting; less guilt-ridden and more compassionate. It sounds complicated - but with the compound effect of gratitude and a supportive community of GoodAFMoms - you've got this.

Every week, I will also give away a free "Parenting with Gratitude Mantra" to compliment the week's theme right here on the blog (scroll down). Other podcast bonuses include interviews with expert guests, sleep consultants, and other mindful parenting guides, and easy and fun gratitude practices that fit your modern parenting lifestyle.

Latest Episodes

Free Gratitude Download 👇

No email required, Mama. Download then add it to your phone’s lock screen for a simple pick-me-up — or even add it your iPad!

p.s…. love the positivity? Follow me on all the socials and never miss a pep talk.

And don’t forget to share the podcast with a friend and leave a review on Apple Podcasts!

DM me on social if you leave a review and I will send you some free swag!!

The Struggle is Real

Parenting is not all roses and unicorns - this is obvious. So then why do we feel the need to show it off that way?

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I hope that on this blog I can make it clear that being positive all the time is not the ultimate goal. My overall well-being and yours is the goal - not blind optimism.

So if you’re unhappy or feel like your wellness journey has been put on the back burner — or left in childless life — you’re in the right place. Burning out is something that happens to us all and these days it happens even faster than before BECAUSE of the perfect parenting messages we receive and our surrounded by on the daily.

I know you are an amazing parent.

You’re here reading this after all. I just think (myself included) that we forget to look at all the good things we do every day because the “bad” is so heavy and LOUD. When we hurt our kids it feels awful - like so, so bad. When we are tired we get triggered, when we have emotional baggage or trauma it comes out, when we are burned out we are not able to parent the way we want.

But you aren’t all bad - you are a loving and kind parent whose intentions are good — and because of that truth I also know there are a million things you are doing right each day. So by using a daily gratitude scan to notice the good we can fight the jump to mom-shame or self-doubt.

Here’s the kicker though - our parenting experience is also a growth opportunity and so we don’t ignore those tougher moments, the yelling the mom-tantrums, and/or apathy.

We must open to both the good and the bad - and allow space for both. Why? Well #1: because we all make mistakes and modeling making mistakes is just good parenting, especially if you follow up with an apology — but also #2: Because scientific magic happens when we acknowledge both our suffering AND our positive moments.

When we reside in difficult circumstances like the ongoing stress we have felt throughout the pandemic, if we are able to notice both our suffering and the silver lining of our circumstances and hold them as equally important we provide our brains the opportunity to grow what are called “benefit finding” muscles that support our overall resiliency.

What is Benefit-Finding? Well at its simplest definition it is finding the silver lining in tough situations - ones that may cause a significant amount of personal suffering.

From the book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.:

“To my ears, benefit finding sounds like the kind of positive thinking that tries to scurry away from the reality of suffering: Let’s look on the bright side so we don’t have to feel the pain or think about the loss.

But despite my own allergic reaction, this research doesn't suggest that the most helpful mindset is a Pollyannish insistence on turning everything bad into something good. Rather it’s the ability to notice the good as you cope with things that are difficult. In fact, being able to see both the good and the bad is associated with better long-term outcomes than focusing purely on the upside…Looking for the good in stress helps most when you are also able to realistically acknowledge whatever suffering is also present.”

Tough times are not a good thing - no one wishes pandemic parenting on you so you can grow. However, learning to accept that the tough times will be part of the whole modern parenting package and still see within them the good also helps with the feelings of helplessness. The helplessness that may be spurred by burnout - like there is not enough time or energy to do all that is demanded of you. When you can see your circumstances as both temporary and also beneficial (even in the smallest way) you can adjust your mindset enough to regain your footing.

This week has been tough for me - it wasn’t one major thing that happened but just a piling on of a lot. I felt heavy I wasn’t sleeping well. My office was a total mess. I felt out of routine and like my personal goals were not being met. It has been funky!! On top of that, every time my kids are sick and have to stay home from school (which this week happened) I go into pandemic whiplash — like: WHEN AM I EVER GONNA HAVE TIME FOR ME AGAIN!!

But by bringing a silver lining perspective to these types of days (or weeks) I can begin to find the way out of my funk. And I no longer fight my reality. These weeks happen, but compared to 2020 this is NOTHING! And I look at my feelings with curiosity. Is there anything I can do to help out myself? No, ok. Then what can I find in this week that is good and beneficial - oh, I am going to bed earlier because I am tired! Well, more sleep is always a good thing! I am can’t clean my office but I cleaned the dining table and worked there - so that clutter is gone yay! etc, etc.

Once I can find the silver lining it gives me the confidence needed to say “This is temporary!” then I step into a more equanimous outlook: It is what it is, for now! I will ride this out and use my gratitude practice to gain some much-needed perspective. My kids are happy and healthy my extended family, the same. We live in a beautiful place and have 3 adorable happy cats. I have access to clean water and get to exercise every single day - and take a shower!! (which back in the baby days I would have died for).

Things are both good and not so good - and that O.K. right now.

Share where you are at in the comments below! -Stef

Go Outside - Be Grateful

How do you find things to be grateful for when times are hard?

Can it be as simple as going outside? 

Yes.

Let’s be honest just going outside is not going to magically change you life overnight - but I am 100% sure that, just like gratitude, it’s the simplest first step. Going outside can help you find things you are grateful for, and when you have enough you can start a morning gratitude practice, and then you can add something on to that, and something on to that. It’s all about taking the first step.

During the height of the pandemic quarantine the days seemed to melt together as I did the same thing over and over — all while stuck in my house — which now, looking back reminds me SO much of the baby and toddler years.

In those early years of parenthood if I didn’t have a routine things would get hairy - my toddler would be cranky or hangry, I wouldn’t be able to tell when the baby had his last bottle — you get the idea. But even now with older kids who are off at school I definitely regret the days that blur by while I remain deep inside routine and I didn’t step outside even once. 

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My solution? I have a garden that calls to me and requires my presence. If I am not caring for children, then I am caring for my plants - that is how I have motivated myself to get outside each day. 

When you go outside everyday you instantly have something to add to your morning gratitude list - maybe you saw a beautiful cloud formation or a stray cat came by and let you pet it. It could just be meeting a new neighbor or a friendly hello from across the street. These things really do make a difference to our well-being.

Feeling resistance? Find the motivation you need by tailoring it to what makes you tick: Is it chatting with people? Hold happy hour on your front porch each Thursday. Is it giving back to people? Set up a food drive in your neighborhood, then go check the drop spots every day. Is it staying fit and active? Your exercise routine now requires a jogging stroller - time to hit up the classifieds on that mom’s group. Is it making beautiful things? Time for an interactive chalk mural in the front driveway. You get the idea, make sure that going outside does not become the last item on your list either and make sure it calls to you as fun and rewarding and get out there.

Ready to start a daily gratitude practice? Join the free 12-week Parenting with Gratitude series here.