World Gratitude Day: Family Activites

Who will you thank this year on World Gratitude Day?

We can reserve each September as a time to share appreciation and thanks since World Gratitude Day happens every year!

This is great because we need a yearly reminder to thank all the people who support us, from caregivers to UPS drivers - instead of the more hectic, holiday-focused November Thanksgiving.

Take the time to offer your gratitude in the form of eye contact, a friendly thank you and well wishes, or a letter from the family for someone extra special.

Here are a few kid-approved ideas for adding gratitude to your September dinner table as well.

And don’t forget, you are a GoodAF Mom — Stef

Gratitude Practice: Pick a Color

So you’re a busy mom who wants to practice gratitude - Hello, me too! 

I am also a busy mom, and I have been Parenting with Gratitude™ for over three years. I have less resentment and shame than ever before - and it felt so good once it started kicking in. I wanted to add more gratitude to my life. And so, I came up with all kinds of fun ways to practice it on the go - because sometimes I can't get to my morning list. And this practice is a favorite in my house because my kids like to watch me suffer, lol - jk! Really I think it’s because they dont believe I can do it - but I can.

The Pick a Color Practice

When I feel low and need a pick-me-up, I play rapid-fire gratitude using the cars around me. I will ask my kids to pick a car color on the way to school. And then, for the rest of the day, when I see a car that color, I will have to think of something I am grateful for. Sometimes if they are being really sadistic, they will choose silver, lol – but sometimes I can get them to choose teal or yellow, which is a little more manageable - or red even! 

I even do this practice when my kids aren't around, too, to be honest - sometimes I will pick forest green and go with it - because gratitude dramatically changes my mood.

Why is that the case? I wondered that myself, so I consulted OG gratitude researcher Professor Robert Emmons's new book, “The Little Book of Gratitude.” This is what he said:

“The need for novelty and change are hardwired into our brains. The substantia nigra/ ventral segmentation or SN/TVA, an area in the midbrain responds to novel stimuli. Whether you keep a diary, post gratitudes on your social media, or just think grateful thoughts, focus on surprising events, unexpected kindnesses, new and unusual experiences, and these will activate your SN/VTA. This area of the brain links memory and learning centers, so keeping your gratitudes fresh and new will be cognitively and neurally beneficial.”

So we must keep it new and different to learn to be grateful and store it in our memories. 

Bonus Family Game

Another little game I like in the car is similar to the Alphabet game - the game where you go around, and everyone has to name a vegetable or Star Wars character alphabetically. Substitute that Ewok for one item you’re grateful for - A for Aunty Ashley, B for Ballet Class, C for Chunky Peanut Butter – you get the picture. 

Mix it up, and make sure to let your kids see you being thankful! Let me know which one you try or if you come up with one of your own, and don’t forget to include yourself somewhere on that list, too — because you are a GoodAF Mom! - Stef

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Faith to Parent Differently (2.0)

Last week, my brother sent me a text message, it said:

Did you know that trauma gets baked into three generations of DNA?

And I said:

Oh, gosh, where does it begin, though? And where does it end?

Right?

Here’s the other side of that statement - the ripple effect of “where does it start or stop?” can cause a lot of anxiety when you're parenting, the next generation.

And so I had to take myself out of that for a minute, I had to say, no, no, it stops with me. It doesn't really matter how many generations it may take - I don't care, it stops with me.

This is my commitment to parenting differently.

My intention to break the cycle of trauma, to be the change, makes all the difference. I think everyone has the ability to make a conscious choice to do things a bit differently than maybe the generation before.

For me, the action this choice demands really boils comes down to maintaining a positive mindset. When I wake up in the morning, am I committed to parenting differently? And if I am, then that is enough.

Of course, you can’t see it happening - the change - it takes faith to believe that intention is really enough. My choices every day, my effort every day, it's enough — because that intention is it inspires me to action. And every day, even if I mess up 300 times, I know that the 200 times that I did something really great those are the actions that are going to make a difference.

And generational change doesn't happen overnight.

It's not going to be something that I can say, “Oh, wow, there it is. My kid magically knows how to come to me when they're feeling upset instead of going and hiding alone” — right? It doesn't happen instantly like that. But it does happen over time.

And you have to believe that in order to keep going, right? We all do. We also need to have faith in the goodness of our hearts, and the goodness of the hearts of the people that we care for. And we have to have faith that we can do it.

The way that I do it is I make sure that when I wake up and I make that commitment to parenting differently, to ensure I'm meeting my own needs first. And that does mean that I've had to get up earlier and earlier over the years. But for me, my biggest “need” is alone time - it’s incredibly nourishing for me because I grew up the oldest, in a chaotic family of five kids. I never had time alone. Now I make sure that I get up every morning and I find time to be alone. I meditate. I do my gratitude journaling — I write down 10 things every morning I'm grateful for and I reorient my mindset.

And the rest really boils down to believing that my inner goodness and my inner love is enough for these kids. And that even when I mess up, saying sorry is enough, and even when they mess up, letting them be okay with messing too.

And it really does boil down to having a deep, deep commitment to faith.

Join the 12 Week Gratitude Challenge

🤍

Join the 12 Week Gratitude Challenge 🤍

Did you Parent Differently this Weekend?

I got a question for you: Did you parent differently this weekend?

Think about it. I bet immediately your thoughts are: No!

And of course, as parents, this is what we do. We go right to two things:

1. Too much of and not enough of:

   So too much screentime not enough family time, too much sugar, not enough healthy food, too much errands, not enough outside time you get it.

2. Or we go to cataclysmic events:

   Like the meltdown in church or the bedtime that took three hours instead of one.

This is called the negativity bias.

So when we look back quickly, over our weekend, we can say to ourselves, “No, that was not a good weekend” or “Okay, some things went great, but that tantrum really was my fault. And I didn't do a good job this weekend. So no, I didn't parent differently.”

If we are not paying attention, our negativity bias takes over and that is how you end up with guilt, shame, and built-in fear of messing up in the future — never getting it right.

The reason I always talked about parenting with gratitude is because it's an intentional way to look back over your weekend and override that negativity bias.

The simple yet effective practice looks like this: I'm gonna look over Saturday, and I'm gonna find five to 10 things that went well, or five to 10 things that I'm grateful for. Maybe they're small moments, maybe they're big moments, but you know what? You forgot. You forgot you're a good mom. And I guarantee you're gonna find five to 10 — I bet you could find 20. And then you're going to do that with Sunday.

And this is the practice of parenting with gratitude. It's looking over our lives with intention and saying, “I am not going to let the negativity bias ruin my week — I'm not going to enter into the mom guilt, shame cycle, because I am going to practice gratitude.”

And the more we do this, the more we look over our yesterday's for the good the more we can experience those situations in real time and begin to notice them the moment they happen. And in those moments, we can feel its positivity even deeper because we are present with the ones we love. And we are not doubting ourselves. We are not feeling lonely, and we are not somewhere inside of our anxiety or depression.

So I want you to ask yourself, did I parent differently yesterday? If you immediately go to a “too much” or “not enough” or that one thing that you just screwed up I want you to take the time to go through and look for the things that did go right because there are lots.

🤍 Stef

Want more? Join my free 12-Week Parenting with Gratitude Email Series here.

The 4C's: Going Beyond Self-Care

The 4C’s help me to maintain my well-being on a regular basis ✨or when something happens and I discover I am off track.

When I feel ‘off’ it’s usually because I am skipping one of them.

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A post shared by Parent Differently w/Gratitude (@parent_differently)

Here they are:
1. Care
2. Create
3. Connect
4. Contribute
ps. the 5th C is chocolate for me! What would it be for you?

Care is important but it also seems easier now that I have made it my intention to be happy - and my kids are older. I have time for self-care. I can take a few moments and go to the beach if I need to or just meditate for 5 minutes after lunch. Speaking of lunch - just eating lunch is care.

Create means to make something - let’s bring some beauty into this world! It can be through art, of course, but creating something could be as simple as a tasty dinner that has a bit of pizzaz. You could create a beautiful sandcastle while playing with your toddler at the park. You could make music together or alone. Anything that brings more beauty into this world and ignites the senses will work.

Connect. Connection is our quickest way to regulation. Studies have shown this time and time again that negative emotions are immediately trumped by a few minutes of good quality human interaction - and that can be as simple as being kind to your barista or asking your neighbor how their day was. It doesn’t have to be a deep soul-filling conversation with your bestie - but of course, that’s good too.

Contribute. Probably the most overlooked C on the list- at least for me. When I feel “off” typically it’s because I haven’t been of service that day, or maybe the way I do “give back” has become stagnated. The “tend and befriend” aspect of coping with stress has been studied a lot and scientists have discovered time and again that many people regulate stress best by being with other people. That includes either through caring for others (tend) or interacting conversationally (befriend). We are wired to be together - in fact, there are three zones of the brain that are activated through reaching out to help another human. That’s a lot of positive reinforcement. So if you’re stressed, it may seem counterintuitive, but finding a way to help someone will help.

The 5th C is chocolate for me - and is really a joke. Of course, we all have our ways of “dealing” and in my book, a little bit of chocolate makes me happy and it doesn’t numb me. If I can stop eating at one or two pieces I know that it’s not an unhealthy coping mechanism but a source of enjoyment and satisfaction instead.

How will the 4 C’s apply to your daily grind? I am excited to find out. Leave a comment below and let me know!

Choose Yourself First - It's Not that Simple.

Choose Yourself First!!? It’s not as simple as taking an afternoon off - motherhood doesn’t work that way - especially in the early years.

A “Choose Yourself First” mindset does not mean you sacrifice your kids’ happiness for your own either. 

It just means taking a quick second to reflect on the things that are in your control and see if you like how they are going.

You decide for yourself if the events and/or people in your life are supported or deteriorating from your well-being. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for other people’s or cultural opinions. 

And that starts from day 1: 

• Who do I really want inside the birthing room?

• Am I breastfeeding because I want to or because of the cultural pressure of “breast is best”? 

• Does bed sharing feel like the right choice? Or do I want them in a crib?

And then as they grow: 

• Am I potty training because I’m ready or because my mother said it was time? 

• Do I really need to go to swim class or is it making my afternoons too insane? 

By choosing yourself first, your voice has an equal or more important seat at the table. 

Parent differently with this genuine and curious mindset. You’ll be grateful you tried it.

Faith to Parent Differently

Parenting differently takes faith. Faith that your actions each day are enough, that your intention is enough, that your love for your children is enough.

Parenting differently is not easy, but I choose it anyway. I choose it even though trauma may be baked into 3 generations of DNA, the cycle stops with me. And I will do my best to make the most difference I can in ONE generation.

But the effects of positive generational change are very hard to see. That’s where the faith comes in.

When you have the faith to parent differently you don’t need proof that you are making a difference because your actions each day are enough. And so your intention to parent differently becomes your motivation and inspiration. And the ways you find to meet your needs become your fuel and you discover with each passing year that it’s enough and that you are enough too. Watch the video for more. - Stef

How to Overcome Gratitude Resistance

Let’s talk about gratitude resistance. I know I’ve got to do it, I’ve read all the pieces that tell me it will rewire my brain, but I just can’t get started.

You know that a daily gratitude practice will change your parenting mindset and you even know that it doesn’t take much time but you still can't get started?

Still, holding out? Bring curiosity to it. Curiosity is the key to overcoming resistance.

Check-in with yourself. Are you afraid to ask, “Why won’t I do this for me?”

We are all afraid to dig deeper under the resistance because it could mean that we'd have to pause. We'd have to take a break from all our running around, our busy, busy world, and in that pause maybe we will notice that our lives are not working for us? Oops.

I don’t want to go there and drown. So let’s not. Let’s find a way to be curious without drowning in the unmet needs we are not ready to poke at yet.

Instead, let’s focus on the results of that daily gratitude practice. I swear that once you feel the results of daily gratitude the big existential questions get answered!

So let’s swap being afraid of what will be uncovered and get excited for what may come. Scientists say more small moments of positivity make the biggest impact on our mindset and well-being. And excitement is a small positive moment. So is gratitude. And the process of self-reflection can help you to find more moments just watch.

Maybe your curious moment is as simple as asking: Just what did I miss yesterday that I can savor today? What have I already forgotten?

And so you get excited about discovering the result. This is the beginning of turning your brain towards positivity and pulling your focus away from the negative. Because when you do, your daily gratitude practice will train your brain to see how great of a mother you already are. And I want that for you.

I know from my personal experience, that my life has dramatically changed since I started to pause and reflect. Sure I do not have toddlers anymore and my kids are in school. But my kids have been in school all day for six years. And during those six years, three of them I was a mess. I was not delegating. I was not choosing myself first. And I certainly wasn't communicating with my partner.

The need for self-care is real. It’s giving yourself the space to look at your resistance and say Ok! I am ready for a change. And self-care is not sitting in a bathtub either. It's when you're in that tub, and you have the space enough to do the self-reflection needed — then you make an intention, and maybe that intention to ask for help. Maybe that is exactly the motivation you need to talk about daily chores in the household with your partner.

Self-care is about action, it’s about taking the next steps after you've carved out that small moment of peace.

So I will leave you with that. And I hope that this week, you sit down with yourself and ask “Am I taking care?” and “Where I am excited to get started?”

And if you're looking for a simple place to start find a way to insert gratitude into your daily routine. Five days of the week. Just do it because the compound effect of doing it every day will kick in I promise, but it won't kick in if you don't start. Good luck. - Stef

Your Parenting Intention Glow Up

Instead of trying to be a better parent, let’s start being better to ourselves.

The very simple way I do that every day is with a daily gratitude practice. 

I am training my brain to notice the good things that happen each day instead of just the bad. 

At some point, I was just ready to parent differently. Maybe you are ready too?

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise so I am changing myself.” -Rumi

Parenting is a constant and evolving process and you need to decide what you want out of the relationship. As the Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says at baby blessings: “You now have a live-in Zen Master - they are here to help you grow”. It’s never going to be over, your kids will always be your kids and every day they offer you an opportunity for deep and reflective self-growth.

I have come to look at it as a practice in true authentic self-care more than anything else. At the beginning of this self-care practice, I softened my intention to be a “Perfect Mother” to just becoming a better parent for my kids. But now after many years of practice, my intention is to just be happy.  

And most days I am. I surprise myself with how far I’ve come every day and I stand in amazement - really in awe - at how good it feels to be ok with imperfection.

Don’t expect to come to my house and see me interacting with my kids like some magical Mary Poppins though because that will be very far from what you see.

We have plenty of days where we argue and I yell and things are really hard. But the difference is that those days don’t define me anymore. I can meet my children where they are and support them in a way that sends me deeper into the circular practice of gratitude and contentment.

My intention to be happy is stronger than my intention for perfection ever was because I look for the good in every day and I reflect on what went right and not on what went wrong. Because there is a difference between wishing things would change and intending to make those changes for yourself.

My goal is to help you to begin the process of shifting your current type of parenting to something a little bit different, something that may result in you being a little bit happier. It may not be better right away, but we all learn through experience, growth doesn’t happen overnight. So what is your intention - what are you ready to stop wishing for and make a practice instead? It’s time for a parenting glow up so let’s get started today.

Mindful Children's Book #2 - Vote!

Help me pick my next book!

What do you think your child needs more right now?

The Gratitude Book will be about focusing on the good even in tough situations plus all the different ways we can express and feel gratitude every day.

The Letting Go Book will be about releasing things that we hold on to - difficult emotions, wanting things to stay the same, wanting people to act a certain way, etc.

Each book will incorporate a body awareness technique like my last book The Middle of the Night Book did. I feel strongly that children learn best when their mind AND body are engaged - and studies show that too.

Watch the video then vote in the comments below! Do you own my first book? Get it here!

Is sleep the answer to all of life's problems?

I’ve learned that even once your babies grow up you will still wake up in the middle of the night.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news.😟

Anxiety, general restlessness, too hot, too cold, the cat steps on your head, a child wets the bed - a full night of sleep is an amazing gift at best.

So over the years I have developed a list of techniques I turn to in the middle of the night:

1. Deep Belly Breathing

2. The Countdown

3. A Simple Body Scan

I go into more detail in this video - give it a watch! I also talk about how you can adjust each one of these techniques to work for kids aged 2 to 18.

When it comes to babies and toddlers, however — I wrote the book!

It’s called The Middle of the Night Book and will become a go-to-sleep tool to help you and your baby get back to sleep.

Throughout my 20+ year career, as a professional nanny, I have rocked 100's of babies to sleep and I know when you remain calm and confident, your baby stays calm and cries less. This amazing book offers a new option for parents when they are needed by their baby.

I hope that it can act as a bridge between the "cry it out" and "pass out in the crib" methods parents struggle with, and sleep consultants agree.  

Kelly Thompson, a certified pediatric sleep consultant adds her praise for The Middle of the Night Book:

"When you have a tool to turn to, you can achieve what we call 'co-regulation' or the lowering both of your levels of stress and anxiety."

The Middle of the Night Book takes you and your child on a journey guided by the moon, using a soothing rhythm and dark, tranquil colors. The moon sends down a moonbeam that guides you through a basic body scan meditation, gently bringing your baby out of "fight or flight" and into their body and the present moment.

The book is in the final stages of production and ready for pre-order! Early bird discounts and signed copies will be available for a limited time — order your copy here today and let's all get some sleep.

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How Can I Help?

it’s not sunshine and roses here either, but It’s better. How can I Help you get to “better”? Vote with the poll at the end of this post!

Do you have two voices in your head?

One that says: “Oh! Do it like that because that is how Mom did it!” and one that says: “That is NOT something I ever want to do to my kids” ?

I can imagine the struggle in your brain has reached peek crazy now that everyone is home during this pandemic. That inner struggle is probably having the unintended consequence of making you feel bad no matter the choice you make isn’t it?

I certainly have hit my limit and then some. My Inner Critic has been PSYCHED and ready to pounce. My habitual responses come swooping in and my wisdom and clarity quickly fog over. Prior to this “new normal” I never knew how much downtime I had actually built into my schedule — that is just gone now:

The typical downtime you may have commuting to and from work — gone.

The Typical downtime while you wait for your coffee to be made — gone.

The typical downtime you may have eating your lunch — gone.

The typical downtime you may have talking to a friend at work — gone.

The Typical Downtime you may have had going to yoga once a week — gone.

The Typical DOwntime You may have had going to grab a gallon of milk — gone.

What this tells me is little pieces of you are gone too. The foundational supports that hold up your patience, perseverance and reserves of motherly strength — gone.

So I ask you - What do you need right now? How can I help?

Every day I send friends schedules and themes for curriculum or ideas for entertaining their babies for more than 5 seconds. I can also do these things for you, but I wonder if there isn’t something more that we are needing right now? Something that maybe the 100 million parenting and activity sites out there don’t offer? Maybe you need someone to talk to? Maybe you need someone that could offer a shoulder to cry on? Do you want someone to help you find the silver lining in all this? I can share what is working for me, what has allowed me to stop crying every day and reach the semi-better place I am in? Being in that new place has allowed me the time to write, the time to think clearly and the time to help. What can I do for you?

Share anonymously below — thank you so much. We can do this — I know we can.

How Can I Help?

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Are You Taking Care?

What the heck are we supposed to do now? I know for me I was just barely getting by as a parent of two elementary school-aged boys before this pandemic hit. Funny thing is I probably needed this advice then too!

I read this the other day in an article called “How our deep-seated Mother Wounds lead to Addiction” by Dr. Nandi Hetenyi

There is a culturally unspoken assumption that we should just know how to love ourselves. If we do not love ourselves, there is something wrong with us. 

I am not here to tell you empty truths. I not here to tell you to “love yourself” or to practice ambiguous “self care”. I am not here to build a community of parents who end up being perfect. I am here because I too suck at this. I am struggling too. And sometimes I do something and I feel better — this one actually worked, so here it is bundled up in a not so tidy little video, enjoy!

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