Family Gratitude Ideas: January

Instead of New Year’s Resolutions, I start out each year by making a list of how I want to feel. After all, new year, same me–not new me–and I love myself exactly how I am. I have felt things in the past that maybe I want to feel again and more of! But this time I will use the power of purpose and intention to make them come to life and savor them when they are here.

This year I want to feel:

• the freedom to let go
• socially supported
• unlimited
• ready, capable and equipped
• creative, inspired and writerly.

So first up on the family list of gratitude ideas for the month of January is:

1. How do you want to feel this year?

   For kids this prompt may look a bit different than for you. Since emotional intellegence is a skill we can all learn from a young age, but the vocabulary of emotions is something that our generations werent necessarily taught using a feelings wheel here would be super helpful. Here’s one especially made for kids of different ages that features drawings of the emotions as well as the corresponding word.

   1. For toddlers you may ask - Whats your favorite way to feel? How much do you want to feel that? All the time? Sometimes?

   2. For elementary school aged kids you can have them associate a feeling word with each month. Then on the 1st check in and ask them in what ways they will make it happen each month.

   3. And for older kids they can choose a few different ways they want to feel for the year and write them down on a note card they can post in their room - or write on a paper calendar they may have or put them in their phone on the first of each month.

2. The Grateful Home Game

Visit one room at a time within your home, (even the bathrooms!) and see if you can make a list of all the things you are grateful for in that room. Which room ends up having the longest list? In which room do you find things that surprise you? Does your dog follow you from room to room - listing them in each room counts in my book! :)

Whether it’s the rainy season or the full on chill of winter, when we can’t go outside due to weather, it’s naturally harder to find things to be grateful for. So this game can help bring a fresh look at the spaces you inhabit on a daily basis, and it will make you feel pretty good about yourself too. I bet some of the things your kids may be grateful for like the warm water or bubbles in the tub are there because of your hard work and effort to add a bit of magic to their lives.

3. Books to read that will inspire gratitude, delight and awe:

1. Miss Rumphius by Barbara Cooney

   If I could list this book every month, I would. Its one of my favorites of all time. The story follows the life of Miss Rumphius, from little girl to eldery woman. Inspired by her grandfather's advice to make the world more beautiful, she travels the globe in search of adventure and eventually fulfills her dream by planting lupines across the countryside. This inspiring story blends themes of wanderlust, purpose, and legacy - literally showing how planting seeds of different sorts from travel to flowers can have an enormous effect on the world around us. A true “we make ripples in the world” book.

2. The Little House by Virginia Lee Burton

   The Little House built with care in the countryside, witnesses the changing seasons and the growth of a bustling city around it, longing for the simplicity of its earlier days. The house embodies gratitude for the quiet joys of the countryside and the sense of belonging in a cherished home. As the story unfolds, it contrasts the bustling, impersonal growth of the city with the enduring value of the simple, serene life the house originally knew. The resolution reminds readers to value and be grateful for the foundational, often overlooked aspects of life that bring true contentment. The simple things.

3. Of Thee I sing by Barack Obama

   In Of Thee I Sing, Barack Obama writes a heartfelt letter to his daughters, celebrating the traits of historical figures who embody the values of bravery, creativity, and compassion. Each page honors a trailblazer—from Georgia O’Keeffe to Martin Luther King Jr.—while encouraging readers to look for these qualities within themselves. The book invites reflection on the legacy of those who came before us and gratitude for the strengths and potential we all hold to make a difference in the world. It’s a beautiful reminder to appreciate not only what others have achieved but also the unique gifts we bring to our communities and homes.

Interested in more Family Gratitude Ideas? How about 365+? Check out the Gratitude Calendar archive here! - Stef

Family Gratitude Ideas: December

As the holiday spirit fills our homes, it's easy to overlook the incredible thoughtfulness and effort we already put into creating magical moments for our kids. The holidays are a perfect opportunity to not only celebrate those strengths but also to add rituals that nurture family connection and cultivate gratitude. This December, give a few new family rituals a try, each designed to foster connection and appreciation. From delightful holiday feasts with fun conversation starters to post-holiday traditions that extend the joy well into the new year, these activities promise to infuse your family's December with warmth, gratitude, and a touch of festive magic.

December 21st:

A Parents Day of Rest

The holidays often center on creating joy for our kids, and as parents, we show up for that with love and care. But it’s just as important to honor the traditions and moments that fill our own cups. That’s why I created the Parents Day of Rest where I focus on my favorite things to do. No kids holiday music or movies - just Nat King Cole and White Christmas. I may even cook a batch of cookies that have things in them that only I like! Take the day - and share your fun using #parentsdayofrest on Instagram.

Holiday mEALS:

Conversation Starters

Try Table Topics Gratitude to start some really fun holiday conversations focused around what we have and not what we will receive. Gratitude conversations are a wonderful way to help your family notice the joy you’re already creating. As you share what you’re thankful for, you’ll likely uncover the small, meaningful ways you’re already enriching each other’s lives.

All winter long:

Gratitude Snowstorm

This is a crowd favorite in my house. Do your kids love to cut snowflakes out of paper? Every time they make a snowflake encourage them write a piece of gratitude on it. Then place a string across a room and hang the snowflakes from it at varying heights. Then watch the indoor snowstorm grow throughout the winter season! (Looks really pretty too!)

After The Holidays:

A Year of Gratitude

Each family member reflects on the past year and makes a list of moments they’re grateful for—big or small—that highlight the unique ways you’ve all contributed to a meaningful year together and places it in their empty stocking or the holiday decoration box before it all gets packed away. Read them all together when the decorations come out again next year.

Sincere Thanks - Explain to your little ones that this year they will be writing Thank You notes to family and friends who send them gifts. Disclosing this upfront will hopefully help them notice when opening gifts, so that the thankfulness they share is sincere. If they don’t have any genuine gratitude (maybe because the gift was something they already had, etc) I encourage my kids to think of the person wrapping it and taking time out of their day for them finding something within the act itself to be grateful for. Gratitude isn’t about perfection; it’s about noticing the care that others show us in their own ways.

During Winter Break:

Friend Appreciation

Have your children make a list of friends who were there for them this past year. Suggest they send them a drawing or a printed photo showcasing a fun activity they did together or a letter via snail mail. (Older kids won’t want to do this part, but making the list alone will remind them of the social support they have and can lean on for the rest of the school year.)

Gratitude is already woven into so many parts of your family’s life—sometimes we just need a little reminder to see it. Looking for more ideas? Check out November’s post, filled with even more ways to celebrate the strengths that make your family uniquely yours.

What to Read Next…

Hope as Your Anchor: Navigating Modern Parenthood with Optimism

Let’s get real for a moment about this wild ride called parenting. It is an ever-changing, sometimes overwhelming job, where the rules seem to be constantly rewritten. That's where Pragmatic Hope comes in - it’s not just hope that is a pipe dream, or pretending everything's peachy. It's about finding strength in the real, the messy, the everyday chaos of parenting our little ones and being deliberate in our plans.

I’ve navigated the ups and downs of parenting young children for over two decades. The days are long, the nights can feel endless, and those early mornings... well, they come way too soon. Choosing hope over helplessness is a decision we have to make every. single. day. because the realities of parenting are overwhelming. We can give up or we can choose to look towards the future.

Of course the future may need a bit of a refreshed perspective: Instead of striving for the elusive 'perfect parent' status, why not aim for something more realistic and kind to yourself? Harnessing pragmatic hope helps us to set achievable goals and find joy in the little victories, all while being gentle with our progress. As Rumi wisely said, "Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder."

Now, let’s sprinkle some of this hope into our daily routines with three simple, gratitude-filled exercises:

1. Kick-Start Your Day:

Before the day sweeps you off your feet, jot down three things you’re thankful for having in your life. It could be as simple as your kiddo's infectious laugh or that much-needed cup of coffee. This will set a positive tone for your day and remind you of the good amidst the whirlwind.

Role of Hope: Starting the day by identifying things to be grateful for is an act of hopeful anticipation. It fosters a mindset that, regardless of the day's challenges, there are always elements of positivity and potential for good. This practice cultivates an optimistic outlook, encouraging you to face the day with a hopeful perspective.

Impact on Parenting: By beginning the day focusing on positive aspects, you are more likely to approach parenting challenges with a hopeful and constructive attitude, expecting positive interactions and outcomes.

2. Pause and Observe:

Amidst the daily hustle, take a moment to just watch your child. Whether it’s during a meal, playtime, or those rare quiet moments. Observe them, breathe in, and silently express gratitude for these precious moments.

Role of Hope: Mindful observation of your child is an exercise in hopeful presence. It is about seeing the potential and beauty in every moment with the child, even in routine or challenging situations. This practice is underpinned by the hope that these moments contribute to the child's growth and the deepening of the parent-child bond.

Impact on Parenting: Engaging in mindful observation helps parents appreciate the journey and maybe even dip into the unique feeling of "parental gratitude”, fostering deep meaning and purpose to one’s day.

3. Reflect and Reset in the Evening:

As the day winds down, think of one parenting challenge you dealt with and see if you can find a positive takeaway. Then, set an intention for the next day, something to help you and your kiddo thrive which is rooted in your hopes and dreams for them.

Role of Hope: Reflecting on the day's challenges and setting intentions for the next day is a practice of hopeful resilience. It’s about acknowledging that while not every day is perfect, there is always the hope and possibility for improvement and growth. Setting positive intentions is an act of looking forward with hope to what can be achieved.

Impact on Parenting: This practice encourages you to not be defined by the day's hassles but to maintain hope for better days. It helps to instill a growth mindset, where challenges are seen as opportunities for learning and betterment.

"Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder." -Rumi

Our kids offer us a daily chance to grow, to embrace our current selves. They allow us to see that there is good even when the world feels frustrating and even a little bit rigged.

Remember, this journey is about practice, not perfection. It’s about setting intentions for our daily lives, and finding gratitude in the everyday.

Do you have an intention? Transform your parenting style into something more fulfilling by giving hope a place in your routines. You've got this. - Stef

What to read next…

Slow November: Family Gratitude Ideas and Activities

Well, it's officially the month of gratitude, and I like to keep it that way by saving the holiday decorations for December. You see, for me, it became clear that when my family got too caught up in the winter holidays, we tended to overlook the season of appreciation and thanks. Of course, there's nothing wrong with a little holiday excitement. I mean, Santa and his reindeer are practically my besties. But it got me thinking — who should really define our family values, Walmart and Lego, or us?

After pondering this for many years, I felt increasingly uncomfortable with our family's growing focus on materialism during a holiday season that seemed to expand every year, all driven by big businesses. So, I decided to take back November and stand up for our family values. When December 1st finally rolls around, I'm ready with my blinking lights, tree, and fake snow. But for November, we're all about embracing a slower pace. It's a time when we put our focus on family, friends, and our community. We reach out to our neighbors, and we take a moment to reflect on the kindness we've shared.

Without this pause, we risk losing the true essence of what makes these family moments meaningful. If we don't slow down in November, we might find ourselves swept up in the commercial whirlwind, missing the genuine connections and gratitude we all long for.

This Month is our time to hit the pause button and embrace a 'Slow November.'

In today's fast-paced world, a 'Slow November' holds more significance than ever. With our lives filled with endless distractions and the constant pull of technology, it's easy to lose sight of the value of genuine human connection. We often rush through moments, failing to appreciate the simple joys of family, friendship, and community. But here's the thing – in this digital age, we have the opportunity to set an example for our children. By slowing down in November, we not only rediscover the beauty of gratitude, but we also teach our little ones to embrace the art of mindfulness. Amidst the chaos of modern life, we can guide them to pause, reflect, and appreciate the love and support that surrounds them. In this hurried world, the power of a genuine 'thank you' and a warm hug should never be underestimated.

So, as we enter this season of togetherness, let's make an extra effort to nurture gratitude within our families and communities. And if you're looking for a way to kickstart those gratitude conversations, check out this list of 100 gratitude prompts, perfect for family dinners or engaging your little ones in the spirit of appreciation or scroll down for my list of options you can try this month.

Slow November: Family Gratitude Ideas & Activities

Gratitude bags

(Make These at the Beginning of the month)

Recently I was chatting with a friend (David Berez), swapping family gratitude ideas and he shared a wonderful act his family preforms all throughout the year: Gratitude Bags.

Fill small resealable bags with 4 or 5 peices of candy (eh-hem maybe put the Halloween Candy to good use here) and then place a label on it, and maybe even sign your family’s names. Then keep the bags in your purse or diaper bag, because you will be on the lookout for everyday helpers in your life. Gift the bags to flight attendents, janitors, librarians, anyone who your kids would like to thank or made an impact on your family. You can do this when you are traveling or just running errands. Make sure to let your little one hand over the bag so they get the full effect that giving thanks can bring. Download this cute label if you need a place to start with your bags, I use the Avery 5160 template for the printing.

Community Gratitude Board

(Beginning of the Month)

If you live in a neighborhood where people walk dogs, push strollers, go for runs, and ride bike then set up a Community Gratitude Board in your front yard. You can use a white board or a chalkboard (just protect it from the weather.) If you live in an apartment building with a parking garage add it to your parking space! If you live in a place where outdoors is not possible then set up a Community Gratitude Board with an online program like Mural - and then share the link with friends and family on social media. At the end of the month take a photo or a screenshot of the board to share with neighbors and with your kids. Bonus: Have you kids contribute to the board once a week for extra practice!

Operation Gratitude 

(Beginning and throughout the month)

Each November, our family helps to send care packages to our active military via Operation Gratitude. November is a great time to thank these people who sacrifice so much and this year it’s more important than ever due to unrest in areas around the globe and increased troop deployment.

Operation Gratitude sends items like antibacterial wipes, coffee, candy and more in care packages and they are expecting around 12,000 care package requests by the end of this year alone. I let each child pick one or two items from the organizations wish list and they add their preference to my online shopping cart. Then we all pack the big box together, adding drawings and personal cards sharing our thanks. Operation Gratitude is a California corporation, granted 501(c)(3) exempt status by the IRS — you can learn more about them here.

Grateful Mealtime Ideas

(Thanksgiving Week)

There are so many ways to practice gratitude at the dinner table.

Watch this video for a few fresh ideas that include gratitude jars, gratitude linking chains and more.

Gratitude Savenger Hunt

(End of the Month)

I developed this scavenger hunt as something to do while the turkey cooked — but I think it also works great at the end of the month as a celebration for all your kids’ efforts. The “prize” at the end of the hunt is a list of things you appreciate about them and generosity can definitely be on that list. Reflecting on their grateful attitude during the month of November will pay off going into December allowing them to give and receive with more grace and awareness of the effort it takes.

I hope you enjoy taking November Back and the pause that can deepen our family connection to community and the world beyond. And until next time don’t you ever forget you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

What to read next…

Yes, the kids are worse for you - and now there's proof.

@hottomato1029

Youre doing good Mums! ❤️ Research on why kids are most brutal to their mothers…

♬ original sound - hottomato

So, you might have seen a TikTok recently claiming that kids are 800 times worse for their parents. It went viral, but here's the kicker – the so-called "study" it was based on was total fiction, cooked up by Mom News Daily. Still, it resonated with so many of us, and there's a reason why. Kids ARE worse for their parents, especially their mothers. But it's because they feel comfortable, safe, and supported around us. It's kind of like when you're with your best friend. You say and do things you'd never dream of at a cocktail party (unless you're three drinks in, of course!).

This is NOT REAL! But it feels it!

Kids with secure attachments know their parents will love and protect them no matter what - in fact, they rely on this fact for all of their growth. Without this feeling of safety and support, they would never explore their world and take risks. Think about it – it's much easier to try new things at work when you have a kind, supportive boss who won't fire you for making mistakes. Now try that except on overdrive - unconditional love means we are not going anywhere. And if your kid knows that — that’s a win, Mama.

But yes, there's no denying that sometimes being a mom feels like you've drawn the short straw, and it's not just now and then, but all the time. From the moment they wake up to when they go to sleep, it can feel like you're their personal punching bag. When you want one thing done, they are on the floor kicking and screaming. When you pick them up from a playdate, you’re told what an amazing eater they are. When they head out for the day with your partner or your parent, they're all sunshine and rainbows, and they all have “such a great time!”

For me, that last one stings the most. I know that if I were to take the kids to the Discovery Museum or the beach, some of it would be fun, but it would also be a constant tug of war. And when my partner or parents tell me about their amazing outings, it's hard not to feel a little resentment. Thoughts like, "How could you go out and have a good time? Motherhood should be like that for me!" sneak in. But the hard truth is that I'm the mother and those picture-perfect moments I thought I was destined for rarely happen. And there's real grief in that, Mama. I still feel it, even though my kids are almost teens.

And those experiences you thought you were destined for, the cuddly couch moments, the sharing of a picnic on the beach, the laughing together as you push the grocery cart, they die a death that breaks your heart. You thought motherhood would be filled with these moments, and it’s just not. And there is tremendous grief around that Mama. I know, I feel it still. It’s a sort of death, of all the experiences you thought would make motherhood feel worth it.

I think it’s important to talk about this grief because it is what binds us together as a community of moms. It’s the ideal we were fed that we would love motherhood, that it was so full of meaning that the crap that goes with it, the daily slog, the cultural expectations to be a super mom, the unequal distribution of the emotional load — that it would be all “worth it” but it falls short.

And maybe that’s why you are here on my page parentdifferently.com - because you want to find a way to parent differently - to parent with joy, fun, and gratitude because the daily grind just kinda sucks, doesn’t it? Well, I will tell you that there is no magic solution, but I do have a few ideas that will make it suck less. Starting by taking a step back and looking at your life from 8,000 feet up. What are you grateful for? What makes YOU a GoodAF mom? What parts of your life just light you up? What makes you excited to be alive? These are your “whys,” the reasons you get out of bed in the morning - and they matter even if they are a little cheesy. They matter because they are the foundation which you build every single day upon. A good intention will get you far, Mama (and that’s one of the reasons it’s the first step in the Parenting with Gratitude™ equation more here on that).

Long Term Practice to try

Gratitude and Savoring. Once you have your WHY in hand, the next thing you can try is Savoring - and I have a whole podcast on this practice. Whether it's your child's birthday or any special time, focus on your five senses – notice the crinkle of wrapping paper, the joy in their giggle, the smell of cupcakes baking, and the softness of their favorite shirt. Take your time to savor these moments, and they'll grow in your memory.

Something to do this week:

So, I’m not going to leave you high and dry here - It's important to address the sadness and discomfort, but it's also crucial to find immediate relief. For me, this is where a YES Day thrives.

A YES Day is a day when you say yes. A YES Day is a carefully planned and boundary-set day when you say "yes" more than usual. Discuss with your child how it'll look and what rules should be in place. Be prepared, and make it a special day, an oasis of joy and happiness in the midst of everyday life. Then, put your day on the calendar, the anticipation will be palpable! And on that day, be ready to savor the look on your kid’s face when you say yes, the fun things they come up with, and you do together - it will take you through a few more weeks. And maybe you put a yes day on the calendar every month - or once a school break - or just once a year. Whatever you do, it will be special, and I hope you enjoy the moments because a YES Day is really for you.

Don't forget, even when no one else in your house seems to notice, you are a GoodAF mom - Stef

What to read next…

Gratitude Practice: Community Gratitude Events

Becoming a mother is a wild and life-altering experience. As moms, we navigate a whirlwind of emotions, from the overwhelming love for our little ones to the persistent worries about their safety and well-being. One thing we all want is for our children to grow up happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. But as the world changes around us, the way our children play and develop has evolved, often in ways that give us cause for concern.

The Decline of Unstructured Play

Unstructured playtime, where children use their imaginations and creativity to explore the world around them, has been on the decline in recent years (down by 50% in the last half decade!). Factors like fears, anxieties, and societal changes have led to the significant decrease and it has had a negative impact on our children's well-being.

Attachment theory, established by John Bowlby and Harry Harlow in the 1950s, emphasizes the basic needs for safety and exploration for children. It highlights that kids need to feel secure to play and explore the world. Now, to dig a bit deeper into what happened to play…the decline of unstructured play started before the current youth mental health crisis, during the '80s and '90s when kidnapping scares were widely publicized. Access to green spaces and varying crime levels across different socioeconomic groups further contributed to the decline.

As concerns for our children's safety have grown, parents from various economic backgrounds have responded differently. Some have enrolled their children in structured after-school programs, while others have chosen to keep them indoors (often relying on screen-time).

A Holistic Solution through Gratitude

I believe there's a simple solution to this, and it begins with sharing our thankfulness within our community. Practicing gratitude can have a big impact, like reducing our stress as parents, helping our kids become more independent and happier, and creating a safer and more trustworthy neighborhood for everyone.

History has shown that strong communities have a profound impact on individuals. Early research by Emile Durkheim revealed that individuals living alone or in less tight-knit communities had higher suicide rates. Recent studies, such as the work of James H. Fowler and Nicholas A. Christakis, have shown that when we're part of close-knit communities, we tend to be happier and have more vibrant social networks.

The Practice: Community Gratitude Events

Gratitude events that honor support people in our lives like librarians, crossing guards, and bus drivers remind us of how good our community already is. Gratitude can unite a community around a shared purpose, which can extend to advocating for systemic improvements, such as more green spaces and safe places for kids’ independent play.

When we all express gratitude together, it spreads a cultural message of kindness, understanding, and belonging. This makes kids feel safe and more supported by their community and helps them connect with their neighbors, which, in turn, builds the emotional strength they need for playing on their own.

The "Find, Bind, and Remind" Cycle

The cycle of "find, bind, and remind" promoted by gratitude also allows children to discover positive qualities in their playmates (finding), develop empathy (binding), and encourages them to spend more time together (reminding). Kids in the neighborhood form strong bonds, and that brings families closer as parents get to know each other through their children.

We all face safety issues and laws that make it challenging to give our children the freedom to explore as we once had. But collective bonding within a community is essential for enabling independent play to thrive. And while a neighborhood BBQ can serve as a community reminder, gratitude serves as a community binder. After all, when you know your neighbors are kind, caring and generous people, trust is built, and you are more likely to let your kids play on the sidewalk or walk to school or ride their bikes.

Give it a try

Give a gratitude event a try in your neighborhood and share your experiences with me! It can be as easy as hosting a little get-together in your garage, signing thank-you cards, and swapping stories while the kids draw with sidewalk chalk. It just amazing how by organizing a simple gratitude event that celebrate how connected our communities are, we can encourage independent play, too! Gratitude helps us build strong connections, no matter our background. So, embrace gratitude and strengthen your community bonds and you can ensure your kids grow up in a loving connected environment filled with independent play.

As moms we have the power to make a positive change in our communities and our kids' future. And despite what we have heard, it's not all bad out there! We can foster gratitude and work together to make sure our kids grow up in a world that treasures unstructured play, exploration, and the joy of making connections with others. And don’t you ever forget - you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

If you are ready for more community - join the monthly Gratitude Circle for moms.

Other Parenting with Gratitude™ Practices to try…

World Gratitude Day: Family Activites

Who will you thank this year on World Gratitude Day?

We can reserve each September as a time to share appreciation and thanks since World Gratitude Day happens every year!

This is great because we need a yearly reminder to thank all the people who support us, from caregivers to UPS drivers - instead of the more hectic, holiday-focused November Thanksgiving.

Take the time to offer your gratitude in the form of eye contact, a friendly thank you and well wishes, or a letter from the family for someone extra special.

Here are a few kid-approved ideas for adding gratitude to your September dinner table as well.

And don’t forget, you are a GoodAF Mom — Stef

Why Most Parenting Advice Doesn't Work.

Parenting can be a real sh*&show, with ups and downs, challenges, and moments of sheer joy. And our commitment to becoming “better” parents often motivates us to look to books, experts, and well-meaning advice from family and friends. But have you ever wondered why some of that advice feels like it doesn’t fit your child (or your patience level)? And it just leaves you feeling frustrated and like a failure? Well, you’re not alone. We’re gonna talk about the reasons why common parenting advice seems like a setup and uncover a few hidden truths that can transform your approach to this thing we call “motherhood.”

The Cycle of Shame and Blame

One of the main reasons most parenting advice fails is that it’s written for a broad audience. And while inclusivity is important, a generalized approach can overlook where we are in our self-healing journey and the emotional complexity we experience as mothers. For example, when we're triggered by our children's behavior and asked to “remain calm”, for some of us, that can feel impossible. The resulting onslaught of shame and blame (aka Mom Guilt) feeds an ongoing cycle: we feel small, flawed, and never good enough. Recognizing that shame is a powerful emotion, as highlighted by Brené Brown, allows us to approach parenting with greater self-compassion and understanding.

“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” - Brené Brown

Understanding Inner Motivation

Examining our inner motivations is crucial to navigating the complicated task of modern parenting. Are we striving to be more present parents and foster deeper connections with our children, or are we solely focused on changing their behavior? Uncovering your true intentions will help match your daily actions and expectations with what truly matters to you and your children. For instance, if we find ourselves hating to repeat instructions, that may come from feeling unheard and unimportant. And if we look deeper, we might discover that this is a wound from our own childhood that we unintentionally bring into our parenting. In reality, many children respond to different methods of instruction, but if our wounds bring us directly to frustration, we will never have the chance to access our creativity and curiosity about our children’s motivations.

The Complexity of Communication

And when it comes to communication and getting our children to listen, it's essential to consider their unique temperaments and needs. What works for one child may not work for another. For example, expecting an immediate response from a child deep in imaginative play might require something different than simply asking. Understanding that some children respond better to touch or gentle reminders allows us to adapt our communication styles and build stronger connections with them.

The Power of Self-Work

Parenting advice can be valuable, but it becomes truly effective when combined with self-work. Each child is unique, and so are you. Embracing and honoring everyone’s uniqueness, rather than trying to fit it all into a mold of generalized parenting “hacks,” can be crucial. Engaging in self-reflection, gratitude practices, mindfulness, therapy, and empathy towards ourselves and our children creates a nice foundation for THEN implementing expert advice with much better chances for success.

“Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.” - Brené Brown

Embracing your inner GoodAF Mom

To be the best mom we can be, it's important to remember that we are already GoodAF. Yes you are worthy of the title even if you are imperfect — in fact, embracing our imperfections is key to building healthy relationships with our children. The internal dialogue and expectations we place on ourselves often complicate our interactions more than the actual situations themselves. By prioritizing our own well-being and investing in self-work, we can approach parenting from a place of authenticity, empathy, and love.

While parenting advice can provide guidance and insights, it's essential to recognize its limitations. Honoring our emotional journeys, the individuality of our children, and the need for personal growth enables us to navigate motherhood with greater grace and equanimity. By embracing our GoodAF Mom intentions and combining self-work with expert advice, we can create a nurturing environment that celebrates our children's unique strengths and honors their overall well-being.

Remember, you are a GoodAF mom, capable of navigating this beautiful and chaotic journey just with the wisdom of your heart alone. - Stef

Where should my 2-year-old sleep and other questions...

I am going to answer a few questions over the coming month about how to handle common Childhood Sleep problems.

• Where should a 2-year-old sleep?

• If your 4-year-old wakes over and over in the middle of the night, what should you do?

• If your 6-year-old still wets the bed, is that OK?

This week it’s: Where should a 2-year-old sleep?

OK, so if you have this question, your toddler is probably not sleeping where you’d like them to, right? Well, before I even get to the advice I have as a long-time professional nanny, I want to say that kids’ sleeping arrangements vary depending on a ton of factors, including cultural practices, individual preferences, and safety considerations. The arrangement should not depend on what society says you should do or what your mother-in-law thinks is right or “normal.” If you can, start this process by talking to your partner and coming up with a plan that feels best for you and your family as a whole.

Here are some common options for a 2-year-old's sleeping arrangement:

(I also made you a Pinterest Board of options if you are a visual learner - follow me here)

• A Toddler-Sized Bed: Many parents transition their 2-year-olds from cribs to toddler beds at this age because many kids start to climb out or are ready to learn more independent skills. A toddler-sized bed is specifically designed for toddlers and typically features safety sides to prevent falls or you can add your own rail. Toddler beds provide a sense of independence while maintaining a secure sleeping environment. Cons to this choice are they are free to roam their room, which means if you haven’t babyproofed, you will need to.

• A Shared Bed: Some families choose to co-sleep with their toddlers, allowing the family to sleep in the same bed. The pros to co-sleeping are a sense of closeness and it does help to make nighttime parenting easier, particularly for kids who wake up a lot or are still breastfeeding. Cons to co-sleeping at 2 years old are generally around space issues and parental privacy (and, to be honest, whether or not you are “touched out” because you spend the entire daytime with your child too).

• Room Sharing: Another option is to have your 2-year-old sleep in the same room as you but in a separate bed. Pros: Room sharing promotes a feeling of security for more sensitive temperaments and allows you to respond quickly to your child's needs if they wake in the night. Cons to this option are if you have a child who wants to sleep in your bed, they will end up there most nights.

• Independent Room: If you do not want to bed share, then the option is to have them sleep in their own room. This can promote a sense of independence and provide everyone with an environment for uninterrupted sleep. I strongly suggest minimizing toy options to a few they like, and un-rippable books, and, of course, childproof. After that, it’s up to you to choose between a toddler bed or a twin mattress on the floor.

• Independent Room Bed-Share: Finally, you can set up their room as stated above but provide a mattress on the floor big enough for you both. So if you like the pros of co-sleeping but are looking for a little privacy and alone time, this option offers the ability to tag-team with your partner every few nights and still be comfortable.

In the end, the choice of where a 2-year-old should sleep depends on what you want. Do you want to sleep with your child each night? Do you want to put them to bed and then have a night on your own? Do you have other kids who have different needs? Etc.

Also, it’s important to state that teaching a child to fall asleep independently can be taught using a shared bed and/or in their own room. To do this, you need to create a sleep environment that supports healthy sleep habits (and is safe), and then you need a bedtime routine and behavior plan. Consulting with your pediatrician or a sleep consultant can really help when it comes to bedtime battles.

Here are some experts and references that you can consult for further info:

• First of all, try my book: The Middle of the Night Book, if you have a child who fights sleep or wakes in the middle of the night. The book uses a body-scan meditation to help your child notice their sleepiness, and it’s also a great book to wind down with for parents.

• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP): The AAP provides guidelines and recommendations on various aspects of child health, including sleep. Their website offers resources on safe sleep practices and age-appropriate sleeping arrangements for toddlers. You can visit their official website at www.aap.org.

• Dr. Jodi Mindell: Dr. Jodi Mindell is an OG pediatric sleep expert and author of the book "Sleeping Through the Night: How Infants, Toddlers, and Their Parents Can Get a Good Night's Sleep." Her work focuses on understanding and improving sleep patterns in children of different ages, including toddlers.

• National Sleep Foundation (NSF): The NSF is a nonprofit organization that promotes healthy sleep and provides information on sleep-related topics. They offer resources on sleep guidelines for different age groups, including toddlers. Visit their website at www.sleepfoundation.org

• Sleep Consultants: Experts like these can provide personalized plans tailored to your child's specific needs and circumstances. These professionals have expertise in child development and can offer practical advice on sleep routines and appropriate sleeping arrangements for 2-year-olds. My recommendation is Mindful Sleep.

  Remember always to consider your child's unique personality and your own needs when deciding this all. And no matter what you choose (and whether it works or not), you are a GoodAF Mom! - Stef

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Blank Memories: Embracing Unforgettable Moments

Have you heard about the Taylor Swift concert amnesia that's been going around? It's pretty wild! You spend way more than you should on ticket and are so excited for what everyone is calling a once-in-a-lifetime experience. You're expecting to remember this forever, but when you finally get home, you realize you can't remember a single thing. Can you believe it? You invested your time, money, and energy into this experience, and now it feels like a blur — OMG.

Psychologists are saying this post-concert amnesia is quite normal. It happens when we go through intense experiences filled with heightened emotions. And you know what? It got me thinking about something a bit hazy in my own memory: the newborn weeks. Remember those? But really — how much of it do you really remember? I find it fascinating to compare the two because, like with the concerts, the newborn years were a rollercoaster of emotions. It was a whirlwind, from stress and exhaustion to moments of pure euphoria and gratitude.

Now, I wish we could go through the newborn years multiple times, like attending different concerts (do I?). But here's the thing: we can apply something from the concert experience to help us cherish those intense moments in parenthood. Studies have shown that accumulating stuff doesn't bring us lasting happiness. It's the experiences that truly enrich our lives. And you know what's amazing about experiences? It's not just about the moment itself; it's also about the anticipation and the memories we create.

Let me share something I learned from Dr. Laurie Santos, a cognitive scientist and researcher on happiness. She explains that experiences bring us joy because we savor them before and after they happen. It's like having a delicious appetizer and a satisfying dessert surrounding the main course of the experience. We look forward to the event, talk about it with excitement, and plan what we'll wear, who we'll go with, and what songs might be played - that’s the pre-savoring. And afterward, we relish in the memories, sharing stories and discoveries we made during that time - that’s the post-savoring.

So, when I think about the Taylor Swift concert amnesia or even the hazy memories from my newborn’s first months, I realize it's not about recalling every little detail. It's about treasuring the entire journey. Sure, you may not remember the exact songs Taylor Swift performed but think about all the moments leading up to the concert. The anticipation, the conversations with friends, and the excitement of picking out your outfit. Those are the moments that matter.

And yes, when it comes to the newborn years, we may forget some specifics, but we remember the love, the tiny outfits, and the feeling of our little ones moving inside us. It's the pre-savoring and post-savoring that truly make an experience meaningful.

If you want to dive deeper into the practice of deliberate savoring as a form of gratitude, I highly recommend checking out this link. You can also listen to the podcast episode on savoring to explore how it can enhance your well-being.

So, Mama, remember that it's the journey that counts, whether you're attending a graduation, visiting Disneyland with your family, or simply cherishing the everyday moments of parenthood. Embrace the pre-savoring, savor the experience itself, and relish in the memories afterward. That's where true well-being is. And even if you forget some of it all, you are still a GoodAF Mom - Stef

Controlled by Mom Guilt

The Overwhelming Weight of Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt takes control of our thoughts and emotions, making us feel like we can never measure up as mothers. It fills us with self-doubt, comparisons, and an unending cycle of questioning our every decision. But what if there was a way to break free from the suffocating grip of Mom Guilt? I’m going to share how a gratitude practice can help you regain control over your inner dialogue, shift your perspectives, and enjoy motherhood's imperfect journey—because that’s what it did for me.

the True Effects of Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt manifests in various ways, leaving us feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, and constantly striving for unattainable perfection. It tricks us into believing that we can never get it right, that we're failing our kids, and that parenting is an unwinnable battle. The constant inner dialogue of what we could have done differently haunts our alone time, while other moms' seeming happiness and success add to our guilt.

Navigating Society's Expectations: The Battle Against Mom Guilt

Society's unfair expectations, lack of social support, partners who don't fully understand the demands of parenting, and family members' selective memories of their own experiences all contribute to the overwhelming burden of Mom Guilt.

Add to that, the pervasive nature of social media and influencer culture fuels our comparisons and self-doubt, making our guilt and feelings of inadequacy louder.

Moments that Trigger Mom Guilt: Learning from Mistakes

Mom Guilt strikes during moments of frustration, mistakes, and when we just don’t feel good enough. Whether it's losing our temper, trying a new parenting trick that doesn't work, observing other kids' different behaviors, or simply feeling too exhausted to meet every demand, Mom Guilt sneaks in, intensifying our negative emotions. Have you ever fantasized about getting sick solely for the sake of a break? Yeah, me too, which further fueled my guilt.

The Burden of Mom Guilt: Untangling Guilt and Shame

Carrying the weight of Mom Guilt wears us down. It messes with our emotional well-being. Guilt and shame become entangled, causing us to constantly second-guess ourselves and our behavior. We’re super hard on ourselves, we lose perspective and forget self-compassion!

Bedtime becomes a time of reflection filled with a highlight real of negative thoughts, which let’s face it, we actively avoid by scrolling on our phones or turning to coping mechanisms like drinking or online shopping (been there.)

From Guilt to Gratitude: Transforming your Motherhood

Embracing gratitude is the key to regaining control over our thoughts and freeing ourselves from the rumination of Mom Guilt. When we practice gratitude, our perspective widens, allowing us to see beyond our mistakes and focus on the good in our lives. It helps us appreciate the help and love we receive from other people, recognizing they matter to our lives. We can find moments of joy and contentment by slowing down and choosing our mindset, even when things don't go perfectly. Gratitude reminds us that this all is a precious gift, and even our imperfect parenting is worthy of appreciation.

Reclaiming Control: Practicing Gratitude for Mom Well-Being

We can overcome Mom Guilt and embrace gratitude with a few practical ideas! Instead of striving for perfection, we can adopt a mantra that embraces motherhood as a learning process: "I'm new at this. I don't have to be perfect to be a good mom."

Practicing gratitude one day a week or writing a thank you letter to ourselves each month can help us cultivate a deeper sense of appreciation and self-love. And we can incorporate self-compassion practices into our day - maybe at bedtime? This will allow us to offer kindness and understanding to ourselves.

If you are looking for a gratitude practice that feels just right for you, try my 10-week “How To” email series, where you will be introduced to a new practice each week. And never forget you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

p.s. It never hurts to be mindful of our coping mechanisms and try to actively replace negative habits with positive ones, such as unfollowing accounts of people who run us the wrong way or make us feel that familiar ugh I want my life to be like that feeling or drinking a bubbly water before our glass of wine, or saving our scrolling for nap time and read before bed instead. If you want to work on these and more I would suggest the book Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg.

Avoiding Summer Burnout

A blog post for Type A moms.

this is a repost I do each year in June (I wrote this in 2022).

Are you a planner? Do you plan mainly to avoid future conflict, complaining, arguments, and your own yelling? Well, if you do, welcome to the Type A mom club - I’m the president.

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Simplify Summer Planning: The Ultimate Bucket List and Routine Guide for Type-A Moms

I have two kids (11 and 14) and what I have learned over a decade of parenting is: summers can suck - mainly, the life out of you. When you are a Type A mom you tend to have an inner critic who will not let you rest, and the summer can be a nightmare. Planning, keeping busy, and making sure to avoid those nasty summer words….”Mom…I’m bored!” = I’m exhausted by day 5.

Even though I am a writer, I typically go full SAHM in the summer — but not without a schedule — enter my trusty planning sheets and checklists — and lists of lists!

On the walls of the kitchen, I post the daily schedule, lists of things to do outside, one with the apps they are allowed to play and things to do when they are bored, and on and on we go.

Creating a Summer Schedule: Balancing Fun and Self-Care for Type-A Moms

And this works for our family. My kids are used to it, and the predictability of routine emotionally regulates me. The issue is…for many years, I forget to include myself in all the planning. Of course, we had fun — kids are fun in the summer — but I didn’t do the things I wanted to do, like go to the farmer’s market or to a tag sale or two, and I would end the summer with regrets.

And so I stopped doing that! For the past few years, I have printed out all our planning sheets and filled them out TOO. After all, I definitely have a summer bucket list. There are things that I want to do each week that are non-negotiables (I’m looking at you, froyo), and there are daily routines that are important to me.

This is how I plan our summers

Download the planning sheet here. The whole family fills out individual sheets — and my husband (since he works full time) fills out just the Bucket List section, which makes for some fun weekends.

1. List your Bucket List items.

2. List your weekly fun ideas.

3. List your daily non-negotiables

Next, organize the information. Your kids are going to come up with insane ideas on these planning sheets - that’s ok! What you want to do is look for similar themes among the insanity. Maybe everyone wants to do some water play every week - fine, it doesn’t have to be the pool or beach, but water play becomes a weekly theme.

The Bucket List gets a good look over, and then the reasonable and achievable things go onto one master list that you can print and hang up.

The Weekly Ideas go onto a weekly routine sheet or straight onto your digital calendar - Wednesdays are pool days, and Fridays are Froyo.

Then I make a daily schedule with the remaining non-negotiables - and this is where taking care of yourself comes in.

Screen Time vs. Me Time: Crafting a Daily Schedule that Works for Type-A Moms

My kids always want millions of hours of screen time - they’re preteens, I get it. I want Alone Time, Meditation Time, Journaling Time, and Writing Time - these are my things - you have your things. These two “wants” — screen time and my time — actually coincide. And so when you make your daily schedule - screen time is not cleaning time; it’s your time. Maybe they have 30 minutes to watch TV in the morning - that means you can journal or walk outside for 30 minutes.

Another non-negotiable for me during the summer is reading/downtime after big outings. And kids need this too. I always include 60 minutes of independent bedroom quiet time on my daily schedule. Even for kids that are 3 or 5 years old, you can shrink that down to 30 or 40 minutes, but everyone gets a break from one another to recharge and rest — for the good of our sanity.

Summer Cleaning Hacks: Lowering Expectations and Teaching Kids Responsibility

Then there’s the cleaning. Well, during the summer:

1. I lower my expectations

2. I use this time to teach my kids how to clean.

I am not going to use up precious screen time cleaning up clutter or emptying the dishwasher or the beach bag. I’d much rather do that while my kids are outside or playing together in the next room - or even better - clean when my partner gets home and let him take on the evening’s entertainment.

Making the Most of Summer Break = Balance Family Activities and Personal Interests

Summer Break is not a break - but it can be fun if you do the things you like to do too. So make sure you are included in the planning - and the photos too!

If you don’t hear from me for a while, it’s because I am hitting the farmer’s market and making my own jam. - Stef

Cracking the Gratitude Code: A No-BS Guide for Type-A Moms

The Gratitude Paradox

Are you tired of starting something new, like a gratitude practice, but never sticking with it? OK, whether you identify as a Type A Mom or not, this blog post is for you. So, you've decided to jump on the gratitude train. You grabbed a cute journal, had one good day of using it, and then life happened. Sound familiar? Don't worry because today, we are tackling the wild world of motivation.

Motivation: The Real Deal

“There are really three key questions in terms of the intrinsic values in how we go about the process of going about accomplishing things.

One - Do we make efforts, sincere efforts along the way? Do we wake up, do we do a good day's worth of work, or are we kind of slackers, procrastinators, and we just don't work very hard at it? Do you make real efforts?

Second - Do you bring your whole heart to it? Are you good-hearted about it? Are you trying to make something better rather than worse? Do you come from love deep down inside or something close to it? Good-heartedness.

And third - Do you learn along the way? Do you have a learning curve? Do you grow from your mistakes? Do you grow from your successes?”

- Dr. Rick Hanson from the Being Well podcast

When it comes to motivation, there are two types: intrinsic and extrinsic.

Intrinsic motivation is all about your own deep desires and beliefs. You know, that fire 🔥 in your belly that gets you going. On the other hand, extrinsic motivation is the stuff that comes from outside—rewards, praise, cultural expectations, your mom on the phone 😂. As your friendly gratitude-whisperer, I'm here to help with the paradox of wanting to start but losing your motivation. And the first way to do this is to check and make sure it's your fire in YOUR belly, not mine or your mom’s or some cookie-cutter version of “wellness” that brings you to the practice of thankfulness and appreciation.

Unveiling the Gratitude Equation

On this blog, I talk a lot about unlocking the power of a daily gratitude practice. I’ve seen the magic, it can work, and I want to offer you a bunch of ways to try it out — so that you can make it a habit too. But here's the deal: I can’t preach at you or tell you what you "should" do. You gotta want this for yourself and believe you are good enough to make the investment in. If you believe that you are truly GoodAF, taking the next steps will be much easier, especially if they don’t go the way you planned.

And that uncertainty is why I offer you an equation you can customize for this new method: The Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation: Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

Closing the Gap: Intention vs. Action

Let's address another elephant in the room—the Intention-Action Gap. This is where our well-intentioned plans (hopefully intrinsically motivated) collide with reality, and boy, can it be a bumpy ride. So, you've got all the right motivations and intentions…but following through? 😬 That’s where we can get lost. Trust me, there's a mountain of books on how to learn a new habit. We're gonna revamp your gratitude game and close the Intention Action Gap simply by reminding ourselves what gratitude in action feels like.

Dusting Off the Gratitude Archives

Get ready to dig deep into the vault. It's time to resurrect those old gratitude lists and reminisce about the good ol' days. Whether you've filled ten journals or scribbled a couple of entries in the past three months, it doesn't matter. We're gonna make it work. And here's a secret—I don't remember half the stuff I've written either. It's like uncovering buried treasure, I tell ya! Once you have your old journals or maybe a gratitude letter you never sent in hand, we are ready.

Reignite the Spark: Reflecting on Past Gratitude

Grab a pen and paper, mama. We're diving into some serious—but simple—reflection here. Take five minutes to soak in those words you wrote. Remember our savoring practice? Use it like a pro. Write down why you're doing this gratitude thing for yourself. How do you feel when you read your old appreciation? Get descriptive, get cheesy, and get real. And while you're at it, picture that GoodAF mom staring back at you from the pages.

Building Your Bridge to Consistency

Alright, now we're cooking. Now use the equation and fill it in. With your intentions, attention, and all those feelings in mind, you're ready to bridge that Intention-Action Gap. You've got the potential for gratitude brewing inside you, and it's time to find the practice that fits your current mom chapter. Head over to the Practice Hub here (or tap that hamburger icon on your phone), and explore your next steps. -Stef

Understanding Parenting Self-Doubt with Dr. Laura Froyen

podcast Gues

Dr.Laura Froyen

Mom, Child Development Expert, POdcaster

Are you struggling with negative thoughts that take a toll on your mental health as a mother?

Laura and I discuss simple ways to gain valuable space from habitual, obsessive, and intrusive thoughts (listen to the full episode below). We suffer from all types of different thinking patterns as humans. And when you are under the stress of parenthood, these patterns can swing more to the negative than they may have in the past.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

OUR QUESTION TODAY WAS THE FOLLOWING:

Why am I always failing My Children?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation…

Sometimes our thoughts can seem true - maybe like: our kid's behavior reflects how “good” or “bad” of a parent we may be. Read more below as we talk about temperament, personality, and our innocent search for worthiness within our children’s childhoods.

I shared with Laura that I had recently had a tough morning that ended in a Mom Trantrum (I wrote more about it here), and the only thing that I could think of for the next day or so is, Why am I failing them!? It was such a believable thought because my children’s behavior was bad; therefore, I was bad or failing them somehow, like there was proof of my failure in their horrible behavior.

Dr.Laura: We think (our habitual bad mom thoughts) are supported. We look at our kids behavior and take it as evidence that supports our negative or disordered thinking. Absolutely yeah. Okay so first of all I just want to send you a little bit of love and compassion to you. I mean I think we've all had those moments and I don't think you can do this work of trying to parent differently without having that fear be there. It's there because if it wasn't this wouldn't matter so much to us. Taking that as evidence you could also take the fact that thought is there as evidence that you actually do care and you're actually doing something right.

I also think it's really important that when those thoughts come out, those are deeply vulnerable thoughts and for me when I would have had thoughts like that in the past and expressed sadness a pain or worry to my parents I would have gotten dismissed as a young child and so I find that it's really important for me now as an adult when those vulnerable thoughts and worries come up that I don't perpetuate that dismissal on myself.

So how do we separate our parenting outcomes and our child’s behavior? They seem so intertwined.

Dr.Laura: We do use our kids’ behavior as evidence for our success in parenting and it's one of the biggest mistakes that you can make. One thing that can be really helpful when it comes to restructuring and reorganizing thoughts is to think about the validity of the evidence that we're using to support them. It’s so important to remember that just like for us, the knowing of the right thing to do and the being able to do the right thing are two separate things. They're paralleled like train tracks. They don't necessarily intersect. They run next to each other.

The same is true for kids and so all of our parenting for the most part is teaching your children how to know what the right thing to do is — but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're always going to be able to do the right thing because behavior is not just driven by what they know. Behavior is driven by impulses by executive functioning, cognitive and brain development. There's so much that goes into a child's behavior at any given moment: Have they eaten? Did they sleep, or did they have a bad dream? Did they get in a fight with a friend? You know, or all those things combined — just like they do for us and so using our kids behavior at a birthday party to mean something about our parenting, there's a big disconnect there.

I see the disconnect because I have two children with two different personalities, and although sometimes they do act similarly they are their own people. And even though they are growing up in the same house with the same parents, they don’t act the same. Their behavior is different.

Dr.Laura: And they were also born with a temperament and have a personality that's theirs - and you do too. There’s something called Goodness of Fit at play as well here. There will be greater harmony between parents and children when either those temperaments are a natural fit for each other or the parent is able to see the child's temperament and make adjustments, to kind of support them. So that ‘goodness of fit’ piece is there and then acknowledging that there will be children and parents who have temperaments for whom they are is there's rubbing there's they don't necessarily rub along smoothly next to each other and and that is also important to recognize.

That doesn't mean the child doesn't love you. This doesn't mean the parent doesn't love the child. All this means is “hey you know what we kind of butt heads with each other” by the roll of the genetic dice.

We have to take some of the importance of our “role” out of the equation. Yes, we are very important to our children, but in the end, whether they grow up to be wonderful people or not is not totally up to us. Dr.Laura also suggested that if you are interested in this topic, the book The Gardner and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik is top-notch.

SOME OTHER TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION:

• If you are interested in these ideas and curious about learning more, this part of psychology is called Cognitive Behavioral Theory.

• Intrusive thoughts can be normal for many people, but if you just had a baby and feel like it’s more than that, here’s an article that I wrote with Dr.Laura about PostPartum Anxiety and what to look for in those first few months: Postpartum Anxiety Quiz: Better Understand Your Symptoms

• Gain distance from habitual or obsessive thoughts by writing them down. Laura keeps what she calls a “Rage Journal.” Doing this can help you see what is most important about the thoughts and what they are trying to tell you — and how irrational they can sometimes be!

Find out more about Dr.Laura Froyen on her website, laurafroyen.com, and she will send you a free self-compassion exercise to try with your family.

Make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

Listen to the Full Episode Here:

Parenting Differently: Choosing a Grateful Life

As we grow older, certain things become important in our lives - fulfilling even. Personally, that involves noticing my inner goodness and helping other parents go from surviving to thriving. I believe that happiness comes from within and helping others at the same time. I also believe that positive emotions can impact our emotional well-being and physical health, and gratitude is the gateway to so much more in life.

The Benefits of Gratitude for Parents

That’s why I encourage everyone to start some sort of daily gratitude practice. Because it’s a simple way to rewire our brains away from their strong focus on the negative — and my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation can help. Relying on the results of years of research in behavioral psychology and positive psychology, we can become attuned to our GoodAF Mom intention and how we will achieve it. The equation acts as a road map and it helps you to customize your inner work and make it achievable for what you want out of life.

It’s time to shift our intention from becoming the perfect parent and start becoming our very own best friend instead.

I am imperfect, and I have my own baggage that travels wherever I go. However, I’ve learned that my baggage helps me help others. And even though they can’t know my past my children are still my most valuable teachers. As a caregiver, when I had my own children, things went haywire for me emotionally, and I had many “enough is enough” moments where I didn’t know what to do next. I learned everything about children and their development so I could bring empathy and understanding to my parenting, which was lacking. While I learned a lot from books and professional experience, I couldn’t improve my experience at home with my kids. I grew up with a mother who was a teacher, and my experience was “praised in the classroom, crazed in the family home.” It’s hard to escape the fact that we are all a product of our childhoods, one way or another.

Parent Differently with Gratitude

However, I don’t believe parenting differently is simply doing the opposite or the same as our parents. That’s still reacting. We can choose to do things differently, and my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation can help. Gratitude is the gateway to so much more in life, and it’s time to rewire our brains. It’s about acknowledging what’s inside us, our true goodness. It’s about noticing the good all around us, the things we do that are kind and loving as parents and partners, and all the people who love and support us.

Let’s customize our inner work and make it achievable. It’s about what you want out of life. It’s time to shift our intention from becoming the perfect parent to becoming our very own best friend.

What to read next:

How to Start Parenting with Gratitude™

So you are wondering if this gratitude thing will work for you.

Parents have been told to “be grateful” enough times by now. So you must be asking yourself — why do you have a blog that focuses on this?

Well, my goal is not to tell you to be grateful but to teach you how to look within and discover your own motivations. The ones that drove you to find my website, and the ones that drive your desire for more to life than festering in Mom Guilt. Maybe you are ready to stop skipping over the good on your way to the bad.

Those motivations are the ingredients of an intention. However, an intention is not quite enough to change our behavior so that we can reach our goals. We need to adjust our mindset, notice our habits, find new ways of doing things then repeat it all.

According to Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, the phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. We must do it repeatedly, change our conditioned ways, and have commitment devices to support us.

When you need a new parenting plan

I have been at this for a while. I am not only a former professional nanny with two decades of experience but also a mom and a gratitude nerd. Once I determined that my own intention was to become a happier human (after saying F-U to trying to be perfect), I began to study the aspects of positive psychology that supported my self-inquiry. And along the way, I developed a method that I called Parenting with Gratitude™ and with it an equation that helps any mom try it on for size.

This method acts as a commitment device. Dr. Santos referenced it. Behavioral scientists define a commitment device is a strategy that engages self-regulation and accountability. It’s a formula to make our goals achievable and customized just for us.

The Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation

Ok, so here’s my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation:

INTENTION + ATTENTION + ACTION + REPETITION = RESULTS YOU CAN SEE AND FEEL.

Now you can watch the short video about the steps or read more about each one below. If you want to take it slow, sign up for my 10-week email series. It’s free and goes through each level of the method with an action you can try.

The Importance of Intention

How motivated are you to change? Well, there's intrinsic motivation which is determined by your own desires and beliefs, and extrinsic motivation, inspired by external expectations, rewards, and praise. 

It’s important to point this out, being in my position. I am the one who may be extrinsically motivating you, which is not my intention but also a consequence of my position. I’m the one who wants to share a new way to tackle an old problem – that parenting feels like a neverending assault on your psyche.

Defining your intention is important to finding your intrinsic motivation. You can ask yourself: What do I want out of motherhood? Or What do I want out of the next 10 years? Another awesome writer on gratitude, Alex Elle, says to ask yourself this question: I am healing because I need/want/… or I am healing because I love/I choose…. etc.

Five years ago, when I looked, my intention was to be a perfect mom. That wasn’t working out so well, so at first, I lessened that to becoming a “better” parent — and then a few years later, my intention became “I intend to be a happy human and to be kind,” and five years later that one is still stuck.

If you aren’t sure, let’s start by saying that you are not a “Bad Mom” just because you make mistakes. We are GoodAF Moms who can learn from our mistakes. And so you’re intention could be to be a mom who makes mistakes - to be an imperfect parent. Find an intention statement that works for you, and allow it to grow and shape over time.

Directing Attention inward

OK, I could spend an entire article talking about paying attention to ourselves, and I have. Here I will say that this piece of the equation is vital for one big reason — if you aren’t paying attention to yourself and how you think, feel, and behave, you will miss out on your most valuable asset: your inner goodness. You are worthy of this path — you are a GoodAF Mom. I can tell you that, but it won’t matter until you believe it yourself.

Our attention piece is a way to include noticing or mindfulness in our journey. This is not a fixing quest but a deliberate turning of our attention. From the demands and world literally crying out for us to our inner lives. Our inner world of goodness already exists. You are already a GoodAF mom. No, you are. I know you are because you are concerned and willing to fix yourself to improve this whole thing, motherhood. Except you don’t need fixing, you need self-love and attention, Mama, and you’ve got you.

Taking Action with Gratitude

The practice of gratitude can be as simple as making a list each day, but if that worked for everybody, we would all be making lists. I know from talking to hundreds of moms that each chapter of motherhood is different. We have moments to catch our breath or moments where we can’t. And then there are our learning styles, everyone learns differently, and gratefulness is a learned skill. So the action part of the Parenting with Gratitude™ equation may shift and change over time depending on time constraints and your interest level.

The practices I suggest on this blog are located in the Practice Hub, and they include a mixture of solo practices and some that you can even try with your kids. I never suggest practices you can’t add to your life or feel like a major time suck. You can read about them in blog form, listen to the practices in an audio series, or sign up for one practice to be sent to your email weekly.

The practice of gratitude compounds over time. The more you look, the more things you will find to be grateful for. And so taking daily action is key to this new plan - more on that below.

“Gratitude is fertilizer for the mind, spreading connections and improving its function in nearly every realm of experience.”
― Robert Emmons Ph.D, The Little Book of Gratitude

The Power of ReptiTion

We are asking our brains to create new neural pathways (thankfully reinforced by the release of dopamine and serotonin that gratitude induces). However, still, it takes a lot of work to train a developed brain, and it takes finding an action you can easily repeat. Because without repetition, you get benefits, but they don’t last.

It’s like working out: If you want results, you need to stick with it. You aren’t going to improve your heart health with a week of gym workouts - it’s more likely that an overall lifestyle change of consistent exercise, healthy eating, more water, and fewer determinantal choices will make the difference. It’s the same with gratitude.

I’ll be honest, researchers are mixed on whether you should practice gratitude daily or weekly. The main reason I stand by a daily practice as the most impactful way to practice gratitude for parents is that the real secret is…I know you're not going to do it every day. Catastrophes happen every other day if you have kids — and the gratitude practice will be the first thing to go. I know it because it happens to me too. However, I practice five days a week these days, and that feels like enough. You will find what works for you.

“We can accumulate a greater sense of self-worth by appreciating our accomplishments and the results we achieve in the world, and through the repeated internalization of recognizing our own accomplishments, and feeling successful in inappropriate ways as a result, as well as internalizing the appreciation of others, acknowledgments of others, the friendliness of others, the lovingness of others, all of which affirm our worth as a being.” - Rick Hanson on Being Well.

Results you can see and feel

Think of the first time you were grateful for your parenting life or motherhood. How did it make you feel? How did this feeling show up in your body?

Write it down. These are results that you can see and feel, and they are powerful motivators. And when you are just starting out, it’s nice to know what you are working towards. These results can be the positive reinforcement to keep going, and they may even be what allows you to truly feel all the qualities of being a GoodAF Mom.

Of course, along the way, other things begin to happen. Over the past five years, I have become a more positive-minded person. I have the patience that I have always craved, I notice before I get mad, and I have stopped trying to fix the people in my life and accept them as they come - myself included.

This is the STATE of GRACE we are striving for. Our whole being lives there, body, soul, mind, reactions, Inner Critic - everybody comes for the ride. And it’s imperfect. I don’t always feel these things, but I sure do notice the results more often than not. And feeling like a GoodAF Mom? Well, that is a way of life now. Because good enough in my book is GoodAF.

Finally, how can you stay accountable to your Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation?

I want to stress that science supports belonging to a community that can assist in maintaining motivation and your commitment device – to help you build that sense of inner resolve. And so I want to invite you to RSVP for the Gratitude Circle - we meet the last Wednesday of every month online, and it's totally free. And we talk about this stuff: why we can’t get over the hump and practice. We take time to reflect on our past month's gratitude and savor the associated feelings — and the Circle acts as a source of social support, and an accountability partner.

I hope to see you there. And don’t ever forget — you are a GoodAF mom - Stef

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The Imperfect Parenting Guide

It’s not shocking to hear that raising children has become increasingly complex and demanding - that raising children is actually different than it used to be.

The “Intensive Parenting” approach, also known as helicopter or snow plow parenting, is now the US's most widely accepted parenting style. While it is true that this parenting style has some good aspects, it is also causing burnout among us — Moms, primary caregivers, and mostly women!

I want to lay out the five basic beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style so you know what they are and then explore just how I think we can lighten the load, ok?

1) Parenting is best done by mothers. 

2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing 

3) It is naturally time intensive to care for a child properly 

4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development 

5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.  

Intensive Parenting is based on the hypothesis that good parenting will result in good children and healthy, well-adjusted adults. According to this approach, parenting is best done by mothers who seek out expert support for proper child-rearing. Caring for a child properly is naturally time-intensive and expensive. In addition, children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred. The tools of Intensive Parenting boil down to parental modeling, support, encouragement, and oversight — a lot of things we talk about on this blog in fact!

While some of these principles may seem appealing, placing the burden of raising healthy children on one parent is a recipe for burnout, anxiety, depression, and despair. Plus, this approach leaves out the influence of culture and the media, the importance of peers to children before they turn 12, and non-shared environments such as school and daycare. These factors heavily influence a child's development, as does the genetic code they inherit from their extended families and cultures of origin.

Just like it was not 100% my parents’ fault I am in therapy, it’s not going to be 100% your fault if your child ends up flawed. When we place the burden of raising healthy and well-adjusted children on one parent, we give mothers a mandate to be perfect, to not mess up. And that just isn’t possible. The complexity of modern parenting can’t withstand a perfect approach. And so this broken approach fails us - and our kids.

The solution to this problem is not simple, but there are things we can do to alleviate the burden of parenting. For me, it’s to step into the idea that I can’t be and won’t be a perfect parent. And in turn, embracing the idea of being an Imperfect Parent has lightened my load. Instead of trying to control the outcome completely, I get to focus on what makes me and my children happy.

Being an imperfect parent means you don’t have to follow or subscribe to cultural expectations of what “good parenting” may look like. If you hate decorating for the holidays, dial it back. If you don't like fighting with your child while teaching them how to tie their shoes, buy slip-ons. If learning to ride a bike is a nightmare, take a break. Eliminate after-school and weekend enrichment classes if they leave you feeling overwhelmed and burned out.

It is important to acknowledge that parenting is a learning process that involves making mistakes along the way — it was a messy, imperfect experience in the past, and it still is today.

We can’t let the culture tempt us into thinking that we must always be perfect parents. Mothers should not bear the burden of parenting alone. Fathers, grandparents, and other family members can all play a role in supporting the well-being of children. Even we moms should take a minute to examine our unconscious biases and avoid perpetuating stereotypes about gender roles in parenting — because I have certainly (and unknowingly) fallen prey to that thought pattern myself. More about that here.

Intensive Parenting is a style that can benefit our children, but not if you lose yourself and your sanity at its expense. Our children deserve whole, fully functioning, self-compassionate caregivers. Let’s lighten the load by embracing being an Imperfect Parent and focusing on what makes us and our children happy. We should also examine our biases and avoid the “forget it, I will do it” vibe many of us were modeled. By working together and supporting one another, we can raise children who will grow up to be whoever they are meant to be, but we will do it without sacrificing our identity and mental health. Stick with the practices, Mama - because you are already GoodAF and now its time to stop fixing yourself and notice instead. - Stef

Gratitude Practice: Off the Hook

It has been a rough week here at my house. My children have been waking up in the middle of the night and now they are sleep deprived, and so I am. I can’t seem to keep myself together. I fly off the handle at the smallest spat between my sons, I am impatient and yell. My oldest is holding it together pretty well (gosh, I am grateful for emotional maturity), but my youngest and I step into the ring together ready to fight – at least once a day – and it’s tiresome.

In addition to these new/old issues, the ever-present Invisible Load and intense cultural expectations of parenting have got me burned out. Intensive Parenting is what sociologists and psychologists are now calling overly involved parenting, and they have declared it to be the most widely accepted parenting style in the US.

And so while I don’t want to paint this new style as a bad thing (there are many aspects of this type of parenting that are really, really good for our kids), I think we should get to know it a little better, ok? I’ll lay out the “Intensive Parenting” pillars for you, and you can tell me which ones feel familiar to you and which may make you say ‘ick’.

So the five basic beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style are:

1) Parenting is best done by mothers. 

2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing 

3) It is naturally time intensive to care for a child properly 

4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development 

5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.  

And in addition to those basics – Intensive Parenting’s hypothesis seems attractive. The thesis goes: (if practiced properly) “good” parenting should result in “good” kids (and healthy, well-adjusted adults even), and therefore a parent’s role and the family environment is the most important factor in the development of children under the age of 12 years old. 

How does this all work? Well, the tools of Intensive Parenting boil down to many things we talk about on this blog:

Interested in what to do instead of Intensive Parenting? Watch this video.

• parental modeling, 

• parental support, 

• encouragement and oversight 

So what do you think? Maybe the vibe feels good or normal. For me, “children are inherently good " feels like a no-brainer. But then, I have a knee-jerk reaction to mothers only being good parents because fathers are great parents too. The theory and style’s name throws me off too: “Intensive Parenting” — like our whole focus needs to be on parenting and doing it “right” and “well” and, dare I say it even…perfectly? 

This parenting style leaves out how influential culture and the media are, that peers are important to children way before they turn 12, and non-shared environments like school and daycare and the relationships our children form there factor heavily into the development of a child — not to mention the genetic code they inherit from our extended families and cultures of origin.

Of course, how we treat our children matters. What boundaries we lay out, environments we offer, and the battles we choose to prioritize — these things matter. But when you place the entire burden of a healthy and well-child on a single parent i.e., the primary caregiver - you end up in the mess we are in right now; burnout, anxiety, depression and despair.

Let’s look at it from our government’s point of view: If it’s all the fault of one parent, then policies don’t need to support parents because it’s not the fault of the culture – and with mothers who are burned out, well “they are lazy and should do better”.

This is a problem for primary caregivers. This is a problem mainly for women. 

I am not going to solve this in one blog post. However, I am going to share how I deal with it all, and how I have learned to lighten up my load. 

The Practice:

When I realized that I could no longer parent with the intensity required – I knew there would be consequences. I had to figure out how to get by in a world that was determined to call me a “bad mother” for not choosing that level of involvement in my kids’ lives. And so I accepted that part of this new learning process of parenting differently was to figure sh$t out and make mistakes along the way – and I adopted the mantra of wanting to be an Imperfect Parent. 

Then I started to look at what made me happy and unhappy when interacting with my kids. I hated decorating my house for the holidays, so I dialed it back. I didn’t like fighting with my 5-year-old while teaching him how to tie his shoes, so I bought slip-ons. Learning to ride a bike was a nightmare, so we stopped doing that. When I sat down at the end of the day and felt wreaked because I hadn’t caught my breath, we cut out all after-school and weekend enrichment classes.

And things let up. They really did. And I’m grateful for that. 

But there was a catch, and it had to do with an unconscious bias I had – remember the biggest thing on that list of intense parenting values that I did not agree with? That mothers best do parenting?

Well… under my own nose, I had been doing just that. I would go grocery shopping by myself and feel guilty for browsing too long, or I would go to coffee with a friend and bring my child along. It felt better knowing that I was handling my kids and knew what was happening with them. But in a way, I was saying, without saying it, that I knew best – and by doing this, by isolating my partner from any of the “hard” parts of parenting, I was robbing him of the chance to grow. To learn on the job and to make mistakes.

And I was saying Mothers know best.

We make an already hard job much harder by not sharing the load. And I know that sharing the load is a hard thing to do. I hate making lists for my partner, it’s so annoying. And it was for many years. But he makes the lists, too, now. Because I let him fall. And because I decided that the mom doesn’t have to do it all.

And to get to a place where you can start to share the load takes this week’s practice:

Take one night a week completely off.

Now you don’t need to fill it with gratitude - but this practice will result in immense amounts of gratitude that you will feel. Of course, with all new things, at first, it won't be easy, but in time I promise you it will be the first thing on your gratitude list each week.

This is how it works:

Sit down with your partner and find one night a week that you can consistently leave the house before or after dinner and definitely before the bedtime routine. Obviously, if your baby won’t take a bottle, then leave after the feed.

Find a weekly yoga class you can attend or a women’s group to join (like the Gratitude Circle!) - or go to a local bookstore and find a seat in the back. If you can’t leave the house, you will need a pair of noise-canceling headphones, ear plugs, and a lock on your bedroom door, or sit in your car in the garage - find a way to be completely gone.

And once you are gone, you are gone. And for the next 2 - 3 hours it’s your chance to be you. Read that steamy romance or call a friend to talk. Take a walk. Whatever you do, it should be free from the demands of anyone or anything. No commitments to meeting your mom if that feels like a chore, no dog to walk and pick up poop after, no people to ask to do you anything at all. 

Depending on your partner’s level of experience, it will be rocky (or easy) to get started but stick with the same night a week for your kid’s sake.

“Mommy goes out to yoga every Monday. I will tuck you in on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday, and Friday…etc. But on Monday, Dadddy makes dinner and tucks you in.” 

We need this time, Mama. Now that I have been doing this for many years, I have increased it to two nights. Whether or not you subscribe to all of the demands of Intensive parenting, cultural pressure is still real, and we all must find ways of dealing. Being there for your child on a consistently loving basis is important. Connecting and caring about their development and education is important. And when you provide the extra things you never had growing up, that feels really good too. But the sacrifice it takes on our mental health and relationships with our partners is rough — like really rough people. 

And obviously, I know one night a week is not enough — it’s not even close to enough — but if you are in a two-person relationship, it’s something doable that you have at your disposal right now - and it can even be completely free.

And I want you to savor this time off, too, before, during, and after. If you want to learn more about savoring, check out this practice here – and of course, you can take a journal with you and make your gratitude list every week during your night. It’s up to you to find a way to make it work. No matter when I make my list, morning, night, or in between, I am forever grateful to myself for having the tough conversation and for remembering that just because I am the mother doesn’t mean I am the only and best caregiver for my kids. I certainly don’t need to do it all or should. And by stepping away even for just one night, I can remind myself of just how Good As Fuck of a MOM I am. - Stef

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Disclaimer:

I want to clarify that the conversation with your partner can feel daunting, especially if you want to do it right without any screaming lol. I didn’t ask for a weekend day to sleep in until our oldest was around six - so I get it. And it’s not easy. But the payoff has been huge. And every time I have a tough conversation with my partner asking for things I need, it leads to good things for me and him and our kids because they get to see how a father can be involved, competent, and part of the team. I do not believe that parents are the single most important factors in whether our children will develop into amazing and healthy, and well-rounded people – but a functioning household in which both caregivers can get the rest they need and where cultural expectations are examined and even said NO to is a great place to start. If you are ready you could start by watching this film together.

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Other Practices to Try:

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That I Would Be a Good (Mom)

I rewrote the lyrics to “That I would be good” by Alanis Morisette for you, Mama. I won’t sing it for you because that would not be good. Don’t ever forget you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef

That I Would Be A Good Mom

That I would be a good mom even if I did nothing
That I would be a good mom, even if I got stuck inside my head
That I would be a good mom if I got and stayed tired
That I would be a good mom, even if my body was no longer mine

That I would be a fine mom, even if I went over the top
That I would be a good mom if I lost my hair and my spark
That I would be a great mom if I forgot to feel joy
That I would be grand even if I were not ‘doing it all’

That you would feel loved even when I fail
That you would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That you would be loved even while I cried in the closet
That you would be good even if I were not perfect

That I would be a good mom even if I lost pieces of myself
That I would be good enough,
Imperfect and still here, my love.

Gratitude Practice: Pick a Color

So you’re a busy mom who wants to practice gratitude - Hello, me too! 

I am also a busy mom, and I have been Parenting with Gratitude™ for over three years. I have less resentment and shame than ever before - and it felt so good once it started kicking in. I wanted to add more gratitude to my life. And so, I came up with all kinds of fun ways to practice it on the go - because sometimes I can't get to my morning list. And this practice is a favorite in my house because my kids like to watch me suffer, lol - jk! Really I think it’s because they dont believe I can do it - but I can.

The Pick a Color Practice

When I feel low and need a pick-me-up, I play rapid-fire gratitude using the cars around me. I will ask my kids to pick a car color on the way to school. And then, for the rest of the day, when I see a car that color, I will have to think of something I am grateful for. Sometimes if they are being really sadistic, they will choose silver, lol – but sometimes I can get them to choose teal or yellow, which is a little more manageable - or red even! 

I even do this practice when my kids aren't around, too, to be honest - sometimes I will pick forest green and go with it - because gratitude dramatically changes my mood.

Why is that the case? I wondered that myself, so I consulted OG gratitude researcher Professor Robert Emmons's new book, “The Little Book of Gratitude.” This is what he said:

“The need for novelty and change are hardwired into our brains. The substantia nigra/ ventral segmentation or SN/TVA, an area in the midbrain responds to novel stimuli. Whether you keep a diary, post gratitudes on your social media, or just think grateful thoughts, focus on surprising events, unexpected kindnesses, new and unusual experiences, and these will activate your SN/VTA. This area of the brain links memory and learning centers, so keeping your gratitudes fresh and new will be cognitively and neurally beneficial.”

So we must keep it new and different to learn to be grateful and store it in our memories. 

Bonus Family Game

Another little game I like in the car is similar to the Alphabet game - the game where you go around, and everyone has to name a vegetable or Star Wars character alphabetically. Substitute that Ewok for one item you’re grateful for - A for Aunty Ashley, B for Ballet Class, C for Chunky Peanut Butter – you get the picture. 

Mix it up, and make sure to let your kids see you being thankful! Let me know which one you try or if you come up with one of your own, and don’t forget to include yourself somewhere on that list, too — because you are a GoodAF Mom! - Stef

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