Cracking the Gratitude Code: A No-BS Guide for Type-A Moms

The Gratitude Paradox

Are you tired of starting something new, like a gratitude practice, but never sticking with it? OK, whether you identify as a Type A Mom or not, this blog post is for you. So, you've decided to jump on the gratitude train. You grabbed a cute journal, had one good day of using it, and then life happened. Sound familiar? Don't worry because today, we are tackling the wild world of motivation.

Motivation: The Real Deal

“There are really three key questions in terms of the intrinsic values in how we go about the process of going about accomplishing things.

One - Do we make efforts, sincere efforts along the way? Do we wake up, do we do a good day's worth of work, or are we kind of slackers, procrastinators, and we just don't work very hard at it? Do you make real efforts?

Second - Do you bring your whole heart to it? Are you good-hearted about it? Are you trying to make something better rather than worse? Do you come from love deep down inside or something close to it? Good-heartedness.

And third - Do you learn along the way? Do you have a learning curve? Do you grow from your mistakes? Do you grow from your successes?”

- Dr. Rick Hanson from the Being Well podcast

When it comes to motivation, there are two types: intrinsic and extrinsic.

Intrinsic motivation is all about your own deep desires and beliefs. You know, that fire 🔥 in your belly that gets you going. On the other hand, extrinsic motivation is the stuff that comes from outside—rewards, praise, cultural expectations, your mom on the phone 😂. As your friendly gratitude-whisperer, I'm here to help with the paradox of wanting to start but losing your motivation. And the first way to do this is to check and make sure it's your fire in YOUR belly, not mine or your mom’s or some cookie-cutter version of “wellness” that brings you to the practice of thankfulness and appreciation.

Unveiling the Gratitude Equation

On this blog, I talk a lot about unlocking the power of a daily gratitude practice. I’ve seen the magic, it can work, and I want to offer you a bunch of ways to try it out — so that you can make it a habit too. But here's the deal: I can’t preach at you or tell you what you "should" do. You gotta want this for yourself and believe you are good enough to make the investment in. If you believe that you are truly GoodAF, taking the next steps will be much easier, especially if they don’t go the way you planned.

And that uncertainty is why I offer you an equation you can customize for this new method: The Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation: Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

Closing the Gap: Intention vs. Action

Let's address another elephant in the room—the Intention-Action Gap. This is where our well-intentioned plans (hopefully intrinsically motivated) collide with reality, and boy, can it be a bumpy ride. So, you've got all the right motivations and intentions…but following through? 😬 That’s where we can get lost. Trust me, there's a mountain of books on how to learn a new habit. We're gonna revamp your gratitude game and close the Intention Action Gap simply by reminding ourselves what gratitude in action feels like.

Dusting Off the Gratitude Archives

Get ready to dig deep into the vault. It's time to resurrect those old gratitude lists and reminisce about the good ol' days. Whether you've filled ten journals or scribbled a couple of entries in the past three months, it doesn't matter. We're gonna make it work. And here's a secret—I don't remember half the stuff I've written either. It's like uncovering buried treasure, I tell ya! Once you have your old journals or maybe a gratitude letter you never sent in hand, we are ready.

Reignite the Spark: Reflecting on Past Gratitude

Grab a pen and paper, mama. We're diving into some serious—but simple—reflection here. Take five minutes to soak in those words you wrote. Remember our savoring practice? Use it like a pro. Write down why you're doing this gratitude thing for yourself. How do you feel when you read your old appreciation? Get descriptive, get cheesy, and get real. And while you're at it, picture that GoodAF mom staring back at you from the pages.

Building Your Bridge to Consistency

Alright, now we're cooking. Now use the equation and fill it in. With your intentions, attention, and all those feelings in mind, you're ready to bridge that Intention-Action Gap. You've got the potential for gratitude brewing inside you, and it's time to find the practice that fits your current mom chapter. Head over to the Practice Hub here (or tap that hamburger icon on your phone), and explore your next steps. -Stef

How to Start Parenting with Gratitude™

So you are wondering if this gratitude thing will work for you.

Parents have been told to “be grateful” enough times by now. So you must be asking yourself — why do you have a blog that focuses on this?

Well, my goal is not to tell you to be grateful but to teach you how to look within and discover your own motivations. The ones that drove you to find my website, and the ones that drive your desire for more to life than festering in Mom Guilt. Maybe you are ready to stop skipping over the good on your way to the bad.

Those motivations are the ingredients of an intention. However, an intention is not quite enough to change our behavior so that we can reach our goals. We need to adjust our mindset, notice our habits, find new ways of doing things then repeat it all.

According to Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, the phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. We must do it repeatedly, change our conditioned ways, and have commitment devices to support us.

When you need a new parenting plan

I have been at this for a while. I am not only a former professional nanny with two decades of experience but also a mom and a gratitude nerd. Once I determined that my own intention was to become a happier human (after saying F-U to trying to be perfect), I began to study the aspects of positive psychology that supported my self-inquiry. And along the way, I developed a method that I called Parenting with Gratitude™ and with it an equation that helps any mom try it on for size.

This method acts as a commitment device. Dr. Santos referenced it. Behavioral scientists define a commitment device is a strategy that engages self-regulation and accountability. It’s a formula to make our goals achievable and customized just for us.

The Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation

Ok, so here’s my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation:

INTENTION + ATTENTION + ACTION + REPETITION = RESULTS YOU CAN SEE AND FEEL.

Now you can watch the short video about the steps or read more about each one below. If you want to take it slow, sign up for my 10-week email series. It’s free and goes through each level of the method with an action you can try.

The Importance of Intention

How motivated are you to change? Well, there's intrinsic motivation which is determined by your own desires and beliefs, and extrinsic motivation, inspired by external expectations, rewards, and praise. 

It’s important to point this out, being in my position. I am the one who may be extrinsically motivating you, which is not my intention but also a consequence of my position. I’m the one who wants to share a new way to tackle an old problem – that parenting feels like a neverending assault on your psyche.

Defining your intention is important to finding your intrinsic motivation. You can ask yourself: What do I want out of motherhood? Or What do I want out of the next 10 years? Another awesome writer on gratitude, Alex Elle, says to ask yourself this question: I am healing because I need/want/… or I am healing because I love/I choose…. etc.

Five years ago, when I looked, my intention was to be a perfect mom. That wasn’t working out so well, so at first, I lessened that to becoming a “better” parent — and then a few years later, my intention became “I intend to be a happy human and to be kind,” and five years later that one is still stuck.

If you aren’t sure, let’s start by saying that you are not a “Bad Mom” just because you make mistakes. We are GoodAF Moms who can learn from our mistakes. And so you’re intention could be to be a mom who makes mistakes - to be an imperfect parent. Find an intention statement that works for you, and allow it to grow and shape over time.

Directing Attention inward

OK, I could spend an entire article talking about paying attention to ourselves, and I have. Here I will say that this piece of the equation is vital for one big reason — if you aren’t paying attention to yourself and how you think, feel, and behave, you will miss out on your most valuable asset: your inner goodness. You are worthy of this path — you are a GoodAF Mom. I can tell you that, but it won’t matter until you believe it yourself.

Our attention piece is a way to include noticing or mindfulness in our journey. This is not a fixing quest but a deliberate turning of our attention. From the demands and world literally crying out for us to our inner lives. Our inner world of goodness already exists. You are already a GoodAF mom. No, you are. I know you are because you are concerned and willing to fix yourself to improve this whole thing, motherhood. Except you don’t need fixing, you need self-love and attention, Mama, and you’ve got you.

Taking Action with Gratitude

The practice of gratitude can be as simple as making a list each day, but if that worked for everybody, we would all be making lists. I know from talking to hundreds of moms that each chapter of motherhood is different. We have moments to catch our breath or moments where we can’t. And then there are our learning styles, everyone learns differently, and gratefulness is a learned skill. So the action part of the Parenting with Gratitude™ equation may shift and change over time depending on time constraints and your interest level.

The practices I suggest on this blog are located in the Practice Hub, and they include a mixture of solo practices and some that you can even try with your kids. I never suggest practices you can’t add to your life or feel like a major time suck. You can read about them in blog form, listen to the practices in an audio series, or sign up for one practice to be sent to your email weekly.

The practice of gratitude compounds over time. The more you look, the more things you will find to be grateful for. And so taking daily action is key to this new plan - more on that below.

“Gratitude is fertilizer for the mind, spreading connections and improving its function in nearly every realm of experience.”
― Robert Emmons Ph.D, The Little Book of Gratitude

The Power of ReptiTion

We are asking our brains to create new neural pathways (thankfully reinforced by the release of dopamine and serotonin that gratitude induces). However, still, it takes a lot of work to train a developed brain, and it takes finding an action you can easily repeat. Because without repetition, you get benefits, but they don’t last.

It’s like working out: If you want results, you need to stick with it. You aren’t going to improve your heart health with a week of gym workouts - it’s more likely that an overall lifestyle change of consistent exercise, healthy eating, more water, and fewer determinantal choices will make the difference. It’s the same with gratitude.

I’ll be honest, researchers are mixed on whether you should practice gratitude daily or weekly. The main reason I stand by a daily practice as the most impactful way to practice gratitude for parents is that the real secret is…I know you're not going to do it every day. Catastrophes happen every other day if you have kids — and the gratitude practice will be the first thing to go. I know it because it happens to me too. However, I practice five days a week these days, and that feels like enough. You will find what works for you.

“We can accumulate a greater sense of self-worth by appreciating our accomplishments and the results we achieve in the world, and through the repeated internalization of recognizing our own accomplishments, and feeling successful in inappropriate ways as a result, as well as internalizing the appreciation of others, acknowledgments of others, the friendliness of others, the lovingness of others, all of which affirm our worth as a being.” - Rick Hanson on Being Well.

Results you can see and feel

Think of the first time you were grateful for your parenting life or motherhood. How did it make you feel? How did this feeling show up in your body?

Write it down. These are results that you can see and feel, and they are powerful motivators. And when you are just starting out, it’s nice to know what you are working towards. These results can be the positive reinforcement to keep going, and they may even be what allows you to truly feel all the qualities of being a GoodAF Mom.

Of course, along the way, other things begin to happen. Over the past five years, I have become a more positive-minded person. I have the patience that I have always craved, I notice before I get mad, and I have stopped trying to fix the people in my life and accept them as they come - myself included.

This is the STATE of GRACE we are striving for. Our whole being lives there, body, soul, mind, reactions, Inner Critic - everybody comes for the ride. And it’s imperfect. I don’t always feel these things, but I sure do notice the results more often than not. And feeling like a GoodAF Mom? Well, that is a way of life now. Because good enough in my book is GoodAF.

Finally, how can you stay accountable to your Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation?

I want to stress that science supports belonging to a community that can assist in maintaining motivation and your commitment device – to help you build that sense of inner resolve. And so I want to invite you to RSVP for the Gratitude Circle - we meet the last Wednesday of every month online, and it's totally free. And we talk about this stuff: why we can’t get over the hump and practice. We take time to reflect on our past month's gratitude and savor the associated feelings — and the Circle acts as a source of social support, and an accountability partner.

I hope to see you there. And don’t ever forget — you are a GoodAF mom - Stef

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