The Imperfect Parenting Guide
It’s not shocking to hear that raising children has become increasingly complex and demanding - that raising children is actually different than it used to be.
The “Intensive Parenting” approach, also known as helicopter or snow plow parenting, is now the US's most widely accepted parenting style. While it is true that this parenting style has some good aspects, it is also causing burnout among us — Moms, primary caregivers, and mostly women!
I want to lay out the five basic beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style so you know what they are and then explore just how I think we can lighten the load, ok?
1) Parenting is best done by mothers.
2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing
3) It is naturally time intensive to care for a child properly
4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development
5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.
Intensive Parenting is based on the hypothesis that good parenting will result in good children and healthy, well-adjusted adults. According to this approach, parenting is best done by mothers who seek out expert support for proper child-rearing. Caring for a child properly is naturally time-intensive and expensive. In addition, children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred. The tools of Intensive Parenting boil down to parental modeling, support, encouragement, and oversight — a lot of things we talk about on this blog in fact!
While some of these principles may seem appealing, placing the burden of raising healthy children on one parent is a recipe for burnout, anxiety, depression, and despair. Plus, this approach leaves out the influence of culture and the media, the importance of peers to children before they turn 12, and non-shared environments such as school and daycare. These factors heavily influence a child's development, as does the genetic code they inherit from their extended families and cultures of origin.
Just like it was not 100% my parents’ fault I am in therapy, it’s not going to be 100% your fault if your child ends up flawed. When we place the burden of raising healthy and well-adjusted children on one parent, we give mothers a mandate to be perfect, to not mess up. And that just isn’t possible. The complexity of modern parenting can’t withstand a perfect approach. And so this broken approach fails us - and our kids.
The solution to this problem is not simple, but there are things we can do to alleviate the burden of parenting. For me, it’s to step into the idea that I can’t be and won’t be a perfect parent. And in turn, embracing the idea of being an Imperfect Parent has lightened my load. Instead of trying to control the outcome completely, I get to focus on what makes me and my children happy.
Being an imperfect parent means you don’t have to follow or subscribe to cultural expectations of what “good parenting” may look like. If you hate decorating for the holidays, dial it back. If you don't like fighting with your child while teaching them how to tie their shoes, buy slip-ons. If learning to ride a bike is a nightmare, take a break. Eliminate after-school and weekend enrichment classes if they leave you feeling overwhelmed and burned out.
It is important to acknowledge that parenting is a learning process that involves making mistakes along the way — it was a messy, imperfect experience in the past, and it still is today.
We can’t let the culture tempt us into thinking that we must always be perfect parents. Mothers should not bear the burden of parenting alone. Fathers, grandparents, and other family members can all play a role in supporting the well-being of children. Even we moms should take a minute to examine our unconscious biases and avoid perpetuating stereotypes about gender roles in parenting — because I have certainly (and unknowingly) fallen prey to that thought pattern myself. More about that here.
Intensive Parenting is a style that can benefit our children, but not if you lose yourself and your sanity at its expense. Our children deserve whole, fully functioning, self-compassionate caregivers. Let’s lighten the load by embracing being an Imperfect Parent and focusing on what makes us and our children happy. We should also examine our biases and avoid the “forget it, I will do it” vibe many of us were modeled. By working together and supporting one another, we can raise children who will grow up to be whoever they are meant to be, but we will do it without sacrificing our identity and mental health. Stick with the practices, Mama - because you are already GoodAF and now its time to stop fixing yourself and notice instead. - Stef