Understanding Parenting Self-Doubt with Dr. Laura Froyen

podcast Gues

Dr.Laura Froyen

Mom, Child Development Expert, POdcaster

Are you struggling with negative thoughts that take a toll on your mental health as a mother?

Laura and I discuss simple ways to gain valuable space from habitual, obsessive, and intrusive thoughts (listen to the full episode below). We suffer from all types of different thinking patterns as humans. And when you are under the stress of parenthood, these patterns can swing more to the negative than they may have in the past.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

OUR QUESTION TODAY WAS THE FOLLOWING:

Why am I always failing My Children?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation…

Sometimes our thoughts can seem true - maybe like: our kid's behavior reflects how “good” or “bad” of a parent we may be. Read more below as we talk about temperament, personality, and our innocent search for worthiness within our children’s childhoods.

I shared with Laura that I had recently had a tough morning that ended in a Mom Trantrum (I wrote more about it here), and the only thing that I could think of for the next day or so is, Why am I failing them!? It was such a believable thought because my children’s behavior was bad; therefore, I was bad or failing them somehow, like there was proof of my failure in their horrible behavior.

Dr.Laura: We think (our habitual bad mom thoughts) are supported. We look at our kids behavior and take it as evidence that supports our negative or disordered thinking. Absolutely yeah. Okay so first of all I just want to send you a little bit of love and compassion to you. I mean I think we've all had those moments and I don't think you can do this work of trying to parent differently without having that fear be there. It's there because if it wasn't this wouldn't matter so much to us. Taking that as evidence you could also take the fact that thought is there as evidence that you actually do care and you're actually doing something right.

I also think it's really important that when those thoughts come out, those are deeply vulnerable thoughts and for me when I would have had thoughts like that in the past and expressed sadness a pain or worry to my parents I would have gotten dismissed as a young child and so I find that it's really important for me now as an adult when those vulnerable thoughts and worries come up that I don't perpetuate that dismissal on myself.

So how do we separate our parenting outcomes and our child’s behavior? They seem so intertwined.

Dr.Laura: We do use our kids’ behavior as evidence for our success in parenting and it's one of the biggest mistakes that you can make. One thing that can be really helpful when it comes to restructuring and reorganizing thoughts is to think about the validity of the evidence that we're using to support them. It’s so important to remember that just like for us, the knowing of the right thing to do and the being able to do the right thing are two separate things. They're paralleled like train tracks. They don't necessarily intersect. They run next to each other.

The same is true for kids and so all of our parenting for the most part is teaching your children how to know what the right thing to do is — but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're always going to be able to do the right thing because behavior is not just driven by what they know. Behavior is driven by impulses by executive functioning, cognitive and brain development. There's so much that goes into a child's behavior at any given moment: Have they eaten? Did they sleep, or did they have a bad dream? Did they get in a fight with a friend? You know, or all those things combined — just like they do for us and so using our kids behavior at a birthday party to mean something about our parenting, there's a big disconnect there.

I see the disconnect because I have two children with two different personalities, and although sometimes they do act similarly they are their own people. And even though they are growing up in the same house with the same parents, they don’t act the same. Their behavior is different.

Dr.Laura: And they were also born with a temperament and have a personality that's theirs - and you do too. There’s something called Goodness of Fit at play as well here. There will be greater harmony between parents and children when either those temperaments are a natural fit for each other or the parent is able to see the child's temperament and make adjustments, to kind of support them. So that ‘goodness of fit’ piece is there and then acknowledging that there will be children and parents who have temperaments for whom they are is there's rubbing there's they don't necessarily rub along smoothly next to each other and and that is also important to recognize.

That doesn't mean the child doesn't love you. This doesn't mean the parent doesn't love the child. All this means is “hey you know what we kind of butt heads with each other” by the roll of the genetic dice.

We have to take some of the importance of our “role” out of the equation. Yes, we are very important to our children, but in the end, whether they grow up to be wonderful people or not is not totally up to us. Dr.Laura also suggested that if you are interested in this topic, the book The Gardner and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik is top-notch.

SOME OTHER TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION:

• If you are interested in these ideas and curious about learning more, this part of psychology is called Cognitive Behavioral Theory.

• Intrusive thoughts can be normal for many people, but if you just had a baby and feel like it’s more than that, here’s an article that I wrote with Dr.Laura about PostPartum Anxiety and what to look for in those first few months: Postpartum Anxiety Quiz: Better Understand Your Symptoms

• Gain distance from habitual or obsessive thoughts by writing them down. Laura keeps what she calls a “Rage Journal.” Doing this can help you see what is most important about the thoughts and what they are trying to tell you — and how irrational they can sometimes be!

Find out more about Dr.Laura Froyen on her website, laurafroyen.com, and she will send you a free self-compassion exercise to try with your family.

Make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

Listen to the Full Episode Here:

The Imperfect Parenting Guide

It’s not shocking to hear that raising children has become increasingly complex and demanding - that raising children is actually different than it used to be.

The “Intensive Parenting” approach, also known as helicopter or snow plow parenting, is now the US's most widely accepted parenting style. While it is true that this parenting style has some good aspects, it is also causing burnout among us — Moms, primary caregivers, and mostly women!

I want to lay out the five basic beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style so you know what they are and then explore just how I think we can lighten the load, ok?

1) Parenting is best done by mothers. 

2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing 

3) It is naturally time intensive to care for a child properly 

4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development 

5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.  

Intensive Parenting is based on the hypothesis that good parenting will result in good children and healthy, well-adjusted adults. According to this approach, parenting is best done by mothers who seek out expert support for proper child-rearing. Caring for a child properly is naturally time-intensive and expensive. In addition, children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred. The tools of Intensive Parenting boil down to parental modeling, support, encouragement, and oversight — a lot of things we talk about on this blog in fact!

While some of these principles may seem appealing, placing the burden of raising healthy children on one parent is a recipe for burnout, anxiety, depression, and despair. Plus, this approach leaves out the influence of culture and the media, the importance of peers to children before they turn 12, and non-shared environments such as school and daycare. These factors heavily influence a child's development, as does the genetic code they inherit from their extended families and cultures of origin.

Just like it was not 100% my parents’ fault I am in therapy, it’s not going to be 100% your fault if your child ends up flawed. When we place the burden of raising healthy and well-adjusted children on one parent, we give mothers a mandate to be perfect, to not mess up. And that just isn’t possible. The complexity of modern parenting can’t withstand a perfect approach. And so this broken approach fails us - and our kids.

The solution to this problem is not simple, but there are things we can do to alleviate the burden of parenting. For me, it’s to step into the idea that I can’t be and won’t be a perfect parent. And in turn, embracing the idea of being an Imperfect Parent has lightened my load. Instead of trying to control the outcome completely, I get to focus on what makes me and my children happy.

Being an imperfect parent means you don’t have to follow or subscribe to cultural expectations of what “good parenting” may look like. If you hate decorating for the holidays, dial it back. If you don't like fighting with your child while teaching them how to tie their shoes, buy slip-ons. If learning to ride a bike is a nightmare, take a break. Eliminate after-school and weekend enrichment classes if they leave you feeling overwhelmed and burned out.

It is important to acknowledge that parenting is a learning process that involves making mistakes along the way — it was a messy, imperfect experience in the past, and it still is today.

We can’t let the culture tempt us into thinking that we must always be perfect parents. Mothers should not bear the burden of parenting alone. Fathers, grandparents, and other family members can all play a role in supporting the well-being of children. Even we moms should take a minute to examine our unconscious biases and avoid perpetuating stereotypes about gender roles in parenting — because I have certainly (and unknowingly) fallen prey to that thought pattern myself. More about that here.

Intensive Parenting is a style that can benefit our children, but not if you lose yourself and your sanity at its expense. Our children deserve whole, fully functioning, self-compassionate caregivers. Let’s lighten the load by embracing being an Imperfect Parent and focusing on what makes us and our children happy. We should also examine our biases and avoid the “forget it, I will do it” vibe many of us were modeled. By working together and supporting one another, we can raise children who will grow up to be whoever they are meant to be, but we will do it without sacrificing our identity and mental health. Stick with the practices, Mama - because you are already GoodAF and now its time to stop fixing yourself and notice instead. - Stef

Gratitude Practice: Off the Hook

It has been a rough week here at my house. My children have been waking up in the middle of the night and now they are sleep deprived, and so I am. I can’t seem to keep myself together. I fly off the handle at the smallest spat between my sons, I am impatient and yell. My oldest is holding it together pretty well (gosh, I am grateful for emotional maturity), but my youngest and I step into the ring together ready to fight – at least once a day – and it’s tiresome.

In addition to these new/old issues, the ever-present Invisible Load and intense cultural expectations of parenting have got me burned out. Intensive Parenting is what sociologists and psychologists are now calling overly involved parenting, and they have declared it to be the most widely accepted parenting style in the US.

And so while I don’t want to paint this new style as a bad thing (there are many aspects of this type of parenting that are really, really good for our kids), I think we should get to know it a little better, ok? I’ll lay out the “Intensive Parenting” pillars for you, and you can tell me which ones feel familiar to you and which may make you say ‘ick’.

So the five basic beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style are:

1) Parenting is best done by mothers. 

2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing 

3) It is naturally time intensive to care for a child properly 

4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development 

5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.  

And in addition to those basics – Intensive Parenting’s hypothesis seems attractive. The thesis goes: (if practiced properly) “good” parenting should result in “good” kids (and healthy, well-adjusted adults even), and therefore a parent’s role and the family environment is the most important factor in the development of children under the age of 12 years old. 

How does this all work? Well, the tools of Intensive Parenting boil down to many things we talk about on this blog:

Interested in what to do instead of Intensive Parenting? Watch this video.

• parental modeling, 

• parental support, 

• encouragement and oversight 

So what do you think? Maybe the vibe feels good or normal. For me, “children are inherently good " feels like a no-brainer. But then, I have a knee-jerk reaction to mothers only being good parents because fathers are great parents too. The theory and style’s name throws me off too: “Intensive Parenting” — like our whole focus needs to be on parenting and doing it “right” and “well” and, dare I say it even…perfectly? 

This parenting style leaves out how influential culture and the media are, that peers are important to children way before they turn 12, and non-shared environments like school and daycare and the relationships our children form there factor heavily into the development of a child — not to mention the genetic code they inherit from our extended families and cultures of origin.

Of course, how we treat our children matters. What boundaries we lay out, environments we offer, and the battles we choose to prioritize — these things matter. But when you place the entire burden of a healthy and well-child on a single parent i.e., the primary caregiver - you end up in the mess we are in right now; burnout, anxiety, depression and despair.

Let’s look at it from our government’s point of view: If it’s all the fault of one parent, then policies don’t need to support parents because it’s not the fault of the culture – and with mothers who are burned out, well “they are lazy and should do better”.

This is a problem for primary caregivers. This is a problem mainly for women. 

I am not going to solve this in one blog post. However, I am going to share how I deal with it all, and how I have learned to lighten up my load. 

The Practice:

When I realized that I could no longer parent with the intensity required – I knew there would be consequences. I had to figure out how to get by in a world that was determined to call me a “bad mother” for not choosing that level of involvement in my kids’ lives. And so I accepted that part of this new learning process of parenting differently was to figure sh$t out and make mistakes along the way – and I adopted the mantra of wanting to be an Imperfect Parent. 

Then I started to look at what made me happy and unhappy when interacting with my kids. I hated decorating my house for the holidays, so I dialed it back. I didn’t like fighting with my 5-year-old while teaching him how to tie his shoes, so I bought slip-ons. Learning to ride a bike was a nightmare, so we stopped doing that. When I sat down at the end of the day and felt wreaked because I hadn’t caught my breath, we cut out all after-school and weekend enrichment classes.

And things let up. They really did. And I’m grateful for that. 

But there was a catch, and it had to do with an unconscious bias I had – remember the biggest thing on that list of intense parenting values that I did not agree with? That mothers best do parenting?

Well… under my own nose, I had been doing just that. I would go grocery shopping by myself and feel guilty for browsing too long, or I would go to coffee with a friend and bring my child along. It felt better knowing that I was handling my kids and knew what was happening with them. But in a way, I was saying, without saying it, that I knew best – and by doing this, by isolating my partner from any of the “hard” parts of parenting, I was robbing him of the chance to grow. To learn on the job and to make mistakes.

And I was saying Mothers know best.

We make an already hard job much harder by not sharing the load. And I know that sharing the load is a hard thing to do. I hate making lists for my partner, it’s so annoying. And it was for many years. But he makes the lists, too, now. Because I let him fall. And because I decided that the mom doesn’t have to do it all.

And to get to a place where you can start to share the load takes this week’s practice:

Take one night a week completely off.

Now you don’t need to fill it with gratitude - but this practice will result in immense amounts of gratitude that you will feel. Of course, with all new things, at first, it won't be easy, but in time I promise you it will be the first thing on your gratitude list each week.

This is how it works:

Sit down with your partner and find one night a week that you can consistently leave the house before or after dinner and definitely before the bedtime routine. Obviously, if your baby won’t take a bottle, then leave after the feed.

Find a weekly yoga class you can attend or a women’s group to join (like the Gratitude Circle!) - or go to a local bookstore and find a seat in the back. If you can’t leave the house, you will need a pair of noise-canceling headphones, ear plugs, and a lock on your bedroom door, or sit in your car in the garage - find a way to be completely gone.

And once you are gone, you are gone. And for the next 2 - 3 hours it’s your chance to be you. Read that steamy romance or call a friend to talk. Take a walk. Whatever you do, it should be free from the demands of anyone or anything. No commitments to meeting your mom if that feels like a chore, no dog to walk and pick up poop after, no people to ask to do you anything at all. 

Depending on your partner’s level of experience, it will be rocky (or easy) to get started but stick with the same night a week for your kid’s sake.

“Mommy goes out to yoga every Monday. I will tuck you in on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday, and Friday…etc. But on Monday, Dadddy makes dinner and tucks you in.” 

We need this time, Mama. Now that I have been doing this for many years, I have increased it to two nights. Whether or not you subscribe to all of the demands of Intensive parenting, cultural pressure is still real, and we all must find ways of dealing. Being there for your child on a consistently loving basis is important. Connecting and caring about their development and education is important. And when you provide the extra things you never had growing up, that feels really good too. But the sacrifice it takes on our mental health and relationships with our partners is rough — like really rough people. 

And obviously, I know one night a week is not enough — it’s not even close to enough — but if you are in a two-person relationship, it’s something doable that you have at your disposal right now - and it can even be completely free.

And I want you to savor this time off, too, before, during, and after. If you want to learn more about savoring, check out this practice here – and of course, you can take a journal with you and make your gratitude list every week during your night. It’s up to you to find a way to make it work. No matter when I make my list, morning, night, or in between, I am forever grateful to myself for having the tough conversation and for remembering that just because I am the mother doesn’t mean I am the only and best caregiver for my kids. I certainly don’t need to do it all or should. And by stepping away even for just one night, I can remind myself of just how Good As Fuck of a MOM I am. - Stef

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Disclaimer:

I want to clarify that the conversation with your partner can feel daunting, especially if you want to do it right without any screaming lol. I didn’t ask for a weekend day to sleep in until our oldest was around six - so I get it. And it’s not easy. But the payoff has been huge. And every time I have a tough conversation with my partner asking for things I need, it leads to good things for me and him and our kids because they get to see how a father can be involved, competent, and part of the team. I do not believe that parents are the single most important factors in whether our children will develop into amazing and healthy, and well-rounded people – but a functioning household in which both caregivers can get the rest they need and where cultural expectations are examined and even said NO to is a great place to start. If you are ready you could start by watching this film together.

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Other Practices to Try:

Listen to this post as a podcast: