Understanding Parenting Self-Doubt with Dr. Laura Froyen

podcast Gues

Dr.Laura Froyen

Mom, Child Development Expert, POdcaster

Are you struggling with negative thoughts that take a toll on your mental health as a mother?

Laura and I discuss simple ways to gain valuable space from habitual, obsessive, and intrusive thoughts (listen to the full episode below). We suffer from all types of different thinking patterns as humans. And when you are under the stress of parenthood, these patterns can swing more to the negative than they may have in the past.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

OUR QUESTION TODAY WAS THE FOLLOWING:

Why am I always failing My Children?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation…

Sometimes our thoughts can seem true - maybe like: our kid's behavior reflects how “good” or “bad” of a parent we may be. Read more below as we talk about temperament, personality, and our innocent search for worthiness within our children’s childhoods.

I shared with Laura that I had recently had a tough morning that ended in a Mom Trantrum (I wrote more about it here), and the only thing that I could think of for the next day or so is, Why am I failing them!? It was such a believable thought because my children’s behavior was bad; therefore, I was bad or failing them somehow, like there was proof of my failure in their horrible behavior.

Dr.Laura: We think (our habitual bad mom thoughts) are supported. We look at our kids behavior and take it as evidence that supports our negative or disordered thinking. Absolutely yeah. Okay so first of all I just want to send you a little bit of love and compassion to you. I mean I think we've all had those moments and I don't think you can do this work of trying to parent differently without having that fear be there. It's there because if it wasn't this wouldn't matter so much to us. Taking that as evidence you could also take the fact that thought is there as evidence that you actually do care and you're actually doing something right.

I also think it's really important that when those thoughts come out, those are deeply vulnerable thoughts and for me when I would have had thoughts like that in the past and expressed sadness a pain or worry to my parents I would have gotten dismissed as a young child and so I find that it's really important for me now as an adult when those vulnerable thoughts and worries come up that I don't perpetuate that dismissal on myself.

So how do we separate our parenting outcomes and our child’s behavior? They seem so intertwined.

Dr.Laura: We do use our kids’ behavior as evidence for our success in parenting and it's one of the biggest mistakes that you can make. One thing that can be really helpful when it comes to restructuring and reorganizing thoughts is to think about the validity of the evidence that we're using to support them. It’s so important to remember that just like for us, the knowing of the right thing to do and the being able to do the right thing are two separate things. They're paralleled like train tracks. They don't necessarily intersect. They run next to each other.

The same is true for kids and so all of our parenting for the most part is teaching your children how to know what the right thing to do is — but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're always going to be able to do the right thing because behavior is not just driven by what they know. Behavior is driven by impulses by executive functioning, cognitive and brain development. There's so much that goes into a child's behavior at any given moment: Have they eaten? Did they sleep, or did they have a bad dream? Did they get in a fight with a friend? You know, or all those things combined — just like they do for us and so using our kids behavior at a birthday party to mean something about our parenting, there's a big disconnect there.

I see the disconnect because I have two children with two different personalities, and although sometimes they do act similarly they are their own people. And even though they are growing up in the same house with the same parents, they don’t act the same. Their behavior is different.

Dr.Laura: And they were also born with a temperament and have a personality that's theirs - and you do too. There’s something called Goodness of Fit at play as well here. There will be greater harmony between parents and children when either those temperaments are a natural fit for each other or the parent is able to see the child's temperament and make adjustments, to kind of support them. So that ‘goodness of fit’ piece is there and then acknowledging that there will be children and parents who have temperaments for whom they are is there's rubbing there's they don't necessarily rub along smoothly next to each other and and that is also important to recognize.

That doesn't mean the child doesn't love you. This doesn't mean the parent doesn't love the child. All this means is “hey you know what we kind of butt heads with each other” by the roll of the genetic dice.

We have to take some of the importance of our “role” out of the equation. Yes, we are very important to our children, but in the end, whether they grow up to be wonderful people or not is not totally up to us. Dr.Laura also suggested that if you are interested in this topic, the book The Gardner and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik is top-notch.

SOME OTHER TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION:

• If you are interested in these ideas and curious about learning more, this part of psychology is called Cognitive Behavioral Theory.

• Intrusive thoughts can be normal for many people, but if you just had a baby and feel like it’s more than that, here’s an article that I wrote with Dr.Laura about PostPartum Anxiety and what to look for in those first few months: Postpartum Anxiety Quiz: Better Understand Your Symptoms

• Gain distance from habitual or obsessive thoughts by writing them down. Laura keeps what she calls a “Rage Journal.” Doing this can help you see what is most important about the thoughts and what they are trying to tell you — and how irrational they can sometimes be!

Find out more about Dr.Laura Froyen on her website, laurafroyen.com, and she will send you a free self-compassion exercise to try with your family.

Make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

Listen to the Full Episode Here:

Gratitude Practice: Savoring

@parentdifferently Learn the steps to parent differently with gratitude by joining the free 90-day challenge on my website #GoodAFMom #dailygratitudechallenge #gratitudechallenge #selfcareeveryday #momlifeyo #lifewithlittles ♬ original sound - Stef-ParentDifferently

What if I told you that your toddler’s crusty nose could be a great source of happiness and well-being? You would probably say gross, Stef.

And yes, it's true - after a lifetime of wiping other people’s children’s noses as a nanny (and then another lifetime of wiping my kids’ noses), I get it - it's gross. Nothing can prepare you for going in with a tissue to wipe and realizing that that crunchy exterior was actually a dam holding back a landslide of yellow and green snot – that’s a serious wiping commitment no one prepares you for. 

A crusty nose can be a source of happiness and well-being because of one thing — the contrast it offers. It’s a tiny hardship, something our minds are immediately attracted to. Just like so many of the annoying parts of parenting that don’t seem to quit - like the butt wiping and the ever-constant reminders that snacks aren’t gonna happen 5 minutes before dinner. And, of course, gratitude can fall flat without the contrast of more annoying times. But why do I remember that crusty sh%t so clearly – and forget the times when we fell into each other’s arms or ran around the playground?

Why does it stay stuck when the good is so much better?

You may remember our favorite OG gratitude researcher Professor Robert Emmons, has this to say about hardship and gratitude,

“When times are good, people take prosperity for granted and begin to believe that they are invulnerable.”

So we slide right into complacency, don’t we? The painful truth is our brains are efficient animals; they like known, simple, and easy. As James Clear says, “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” Goals are not something you do every day or are baked into your genes. They are ephemeral thoughts. Systems or habits well those build and build over time. They can be helpful or hurtful. Our brains don't care. These habits are a carved rut in the road, which our brains can easily slide into.

So what does this have to do with a runny nose? Well, a whole lot, actually. Imagine showing up at daycare, walking into the classroom, and as you look at your child, the first and only thing you see for a second is their old, dirty, crusted nose - gross. Well, you have a scapegoat for your repulsion, and it’s what cognitive scientists call the Negativity Bias.

The Negativity Bias is an automatic habit of the brain that makes looking for and evaluating threats and anything that could harm us a priority over anything other type of thinking. It causes us to remember criticism more than compliments and mistakes over wins. And the secret’s out. It’s also the operator behind the curtain of Mom Guilt.

Getting Brainy with It.

The Negativity Bias’ main goal is to keep us safe. Snots - no. Germs - no. Our thinking brain is not allowed a first opinion because our survival instincts kick in. I’ll let the psychiatrist and co-author of “What Happened to You?” Dr. Bruce Berry explains the brain process a bit more to you:

“The brain organizes from bottom to top, with the lower parts of the brain (brain stem/diencephalon aka “survival brain”) developing earliest, the cortical areas (thinking brain) much later,”  Perry says. “The majority of brain organization takes place in the first four years.Our brain functions from the bottom up - the instincts first and then the sorting and reasoning after.“

And so when we see our child, we only see the germs first. We see our child only after that initial reaction, and our thinking and reasoning brain kicks in. Of course, no one is saying we haven’t evolved or that we can’t respond instead of react. That you aren’t a GoodAF Mom if you go gross inside your head. I know a big fat smile will most likely happen next as you dash across the room and scoop your son up – hugging him and spreading that sh%t all over your freshly dry-cleaned coat.

The Negativity Bias lives in the more instinctual part of the brain, but we really don’t need it. We don’t need to scan everywhere we go for danger anymore instantly. Our world is relatively safe - no venomous snakes or wild cats hiding behind the neighbors four by four. Plus, this scanning makes us really stressed - probably more than we used to be. Since our brains are programmed to be constantly scanning, and we are surrounded by SO many stimuli these days, our nervous systems are stressed the f out.

What now, then?

Using gratitude as a prompt, you can take a few very specific steps if you would like to work on your “reaction” time and bigger hardships. Where maybe the Negativity Bias does not ease up after a millisecond but takes control of your whole day instead. Well, that’s why we are happy we have neuroplasticity on our side. Center for Brain Health, University of Texas at Dallas, explains that neuroplasticity is “the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life." So, yay, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

The first step is to use gratitude to notice things we overlook.

This will help to shift our perspective and then do that enough. You will give it a new system to depend on in tough times. And begin to replace the old system (the negativity bias) that maybe has run its course. Like our almost instant ability to overlook the snot and crack that loving smile, we can also learn to shorten our reactive time in other cases. 

So we use the power of gratitude to notice the good, shift our perspective and then use our natural neuroplasticity to rewire with repetition over time cognitively. And then we can add one more practice to the mix…

The practice of Savoring

Savoring is taking an external view of an experience to review and appreciate it. So you eat a strawberry and notice, yum, this is juicy, and then pop another in your mouth, OR if you are savoring, you take the time to step outside the experience and really notice the nuances of it for like 15 to 30 seconds. Wow, this strawberry is so delicious! You intentionally slow down your chewing. You let the juices move around your mouth, you think about the last strawberry you had and how this one is so much sweeter, and even after you swallow, you think, wow, that was a delicious moment.

This is savoring. Science shows that although savoring “things” can be beneficial, we can get the most out of savoring experiences because not only do we get more happiness out of experiences over material things, but we get bigger does of well-being from experiences because we savor them BEFORE they happen AND after they happen as well.

Think of a trip you recently went on - I find it so easy to go directly to the good memories of a trip over the bad, do you? I always forget to pack things for a trip, but when I reflect on the experience, my brain immediately goes to all the fun things we did. It’s one place in my life where my mistakes do not cloud the wins. And this is because of the repetition of savoring a trip provides. You don’t do this with other things in your life, like going to the playground or putting your toddler in a cute outfit. An experience is a training gym for the mind, from the pre-savoring of a trip to the actual FUN a trip provides, and then to running through memories of the trip and sharing them with friends.

We can follow this recipe for savoring and apply it to other areas of our lives.

We could do it with the strawberry - it would feel really cringy, but it could look like Pre-savoring: I get the strawberries out and put them in a pretty bowl. I look at them throughout the day and think about how beautifully red they are. I feel gratitude for the farmers who planted and tended the seeds and the workers who harvested and boxes them. I take a photo and post it on Instagram sharing the beauty with friends. Savoring in Real Time: Then I eat a few, mindfully savoring and intentionally taking it slow to really indulge in the flavor. Post Savoring: Then, a few hours later, I text a friend to tell them about the strawberries and where I got them. Maybe I even pick up a pint and drop them off at their doorstep as a surprise. A few days later, I looked at the photo I had taken on Instagram, and I remember the juiciness of the berries and sharing them with a friend. I feel the gratitude and the specialness of the moment all over again. And on and on it can go. 

Savoring is a way to take gratitude to the next level.

And it can help to amplify situations that already feel pretty good. And when we do this, we push back against our instinct to look for what went wrong, to find the strawberry with the mold or the one that didn’t taste so sweet.  Opportunities like these are all around us. What can you find to savor this week? Could it be something you do every day? How about an experience or a trip you took recently? Could you take the photos out and savor those? How about the way the light trickles through your baby’s dark brown hair or the way he tucks his feet under his bottom while he plays? Can you apply the steps of noticing, shifting to a grateful perspective, and then savoring in three ways (before, during, and after) to these everyday parenting moments too? 

The crusty nose will still be there, and all the other annoying inescapable parts of parenting too. But the good is waiting to be seen, felt, and held - are you ready to train your brain so you can feel more of it? I know you are. I hope you enjoy your week of savoring experiences and things – and don’t forget you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

Other Parenting with Gratitude™ Practices:

Listen to this as Podcast:

Embracing Intentional Parenting

This weekend I killed my son’s betta fish.

And it's true I did - I killed Felix. We had bought him that day, and I was worried that he would be cold overnight because we had overlooked buying a heater, so I wrapped his little tank with a heating pad crossing my fingers that it would work. And it did — a little too well. I cooked his fish overnight.

Of course, waking up to my son’s tears was horrible.

But then my son said to me, “We are going out RIGHT NOW and getting a NEW FISH,” and I got triggered - I crankily said back to him, “We are not getting any new fish until you do the proper research, which neither of us did and that's really why he died!” This, unfortunately, is imperfect parenting in action. 

I’m sure this story inspires empathy, like, “Wow, that's one of those situations you could feel really sh%tty about even a week later, and I'm so sorry.” And thank you, I appreciate it, but I am actually OK. I regret making myself feel better by passing some of the blame onto my 11-year-old’s lack of fish research. After all, I am the parent, and I should have done some myself before spending $22 on a fish. And he certainly didn't need me to throw it back on him when he felt super sad about his mother killing his new friend.

So yeah, I feel guilty about that, but do I feel like a Bad Mother? Do I want to run away and cry in my closet, filled with shame? Actually, no, I don't. 

And that’s a massive improvement for me. I never was a “sh%t happens” kind of person. I have always been an “it’s totally my fault, and this mistake defines me now” type.

And so this fish incident is a moment I will hold on to because it reminds me that it's one thing to have an intention - but it's another to take that intention seriously. 

I take my intention to be a happier human seriously by reminding myself daily of it and taking the repeated action of gratitude to achieve it. And without taking those series of steps, or what I call parenting with gratitude™, over the past four years, again and again, I would have had a much worse weekend than I did. 

Parenting with gratitude™ is the simple equation that I have developed over the years to take what was once a fleeting wish of showing up for my kids as loving and kind most of the time - and make it a reality, 

I want to share the recipe that has made Parenting with Gratitude™ really work for me, and it is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

And the first step is Intention - in fact, I call it my GoodAF Mom Intention, which for me these days is to be a happier human and to be kind. 

That doesn’t mean all the time. It means more than yesterday or being a little less hard on myself the next time I murder a fish. And because I know at some point you reached an “enough is enough” moment or two, and you decided that something needed to change, I will stress that this GoodAF Mom Intention, the one that anchors you, will be the most crucial part to taking the steps to parent differently. 

Over the years, my intention has morphed and changed as I have grown and rediscovered the parts of me that were a little bit lost.  And as my intention became just figuring out how to be happy, I also learned that I didn’t have to be happy all the time to make this change. It was the intention that mattered. It's what changed my focus and fueled my inner healing. 

---

---

But having an intention is not enough - it really is about what you do next.

My intention to be a happy human affected my attention. I began to look for things that made me happy, and the most obvious were my kids. Just watching them show up every day made me happy. I was grateful to be with them each day. My intention got me to a place I had never stayed for a very long time - where I stopped pushing myself to be better and just took the time to observe, to watch what I already had - and it was pretty great.  Sure, we can wish things to be different, but unlike what we were told as children, knowing is actually NOT half the battle. 

In fact, this is what Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, calls the G.I.Joe Fallacy.

To quote Santos, “We actually have to do all kinds of stuff other than just knowing stuff to change our behavior. If we really want to change our behavior, we have to change habits. We can’t just learn the stuff.”

The phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. According to Santos, we have to do it - not just once, but change our habits (or the series of learned behaviors we have formed over time). This is why even though Action is crucial to parenting with gratitude, it’s the repeating action of being grateful in many, many, many different ways that lead to real, lasting change. 

According to a 2015 study that looked at why some people act on their dreams to become entrepreneurs while others only think and dream, it was determined that the key to the implementation of an intention - the DOING instead of just the knowing - boiled down to having what they called a “commitment devices.” 

These commitment devices can come in two forms.  One relies on self-regulation and was introduced by Peter Gollwitzer in 1999, called “Implementation Intention.” Basically, once you set a clear goal with achievable steps, you can also attach it to existing experiences through an “if-then” plan. Basically, thinking through what you will do in certain situations that may challenge your intention or goal. The simplest form of an implementation intention is every time you touch the front doorknob, you say keys inside your head. Here are some others:

• “I intend to run daily, so I will lay out my running clothes each night and keep my headphones by the door.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention for this situation could be to think about running and how good it feels every night when you lay out your clothes.

• “I intend to stop yelling, so I will take a moment after it is over to notice what types of things are running through my head.” Great specific goal and intention. Your implementation intention for this goal could be reminding yourself repeatedly (when you aren’t yelling) that Moms make mistakes too, and the pause and the repair after yelling is the most important part to teach your kids. It’s not about yelling, it’s about what you do after.

• “I intend to be more grateful. Therefore, I will write five things daily while drinking my coffee.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention would be when you think about drinking your coffee as you go to bed, say gratitude list. The association between the two will eventually become part of your brain’s automatic systems in the morning.

The other was an accountability device - So telling someone that you were going to start a gratitude journal or you intend to work on your mental health this year is a catalyst for creating action, for bridging the gap from intention to action because generally, as a species we strive for favorable opinions of our peers.

You can do it.

Using the knowledge of behavioral scientists mixed with my parenting with gratitude™ formula, we can become attuned to what we want and how we will get it. This customizes our goal and makes it achievable because it's not about what other people want or even what we may have thought we wanted two weeks ago.

Let’s try the formula together:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

• What is your intention? Maybe it’s to show up as your best self and to parent differently.

• What attention does this intention need? Well, what is my “best self” in the first place? This is where self-reflection comes in very handy. Maybe your “best self” can come to the surface once all the Mom Guilt and shame of making mistakes has subsided.

• What are the repeatable steps you will take to get to a place where Mom Guilt feels less like shame and mistakes feel more like learning opportunities? 

Well, for me, I chose gratitude. A committed daily practice of remembering all the good things I do for others and what they do for me proved I wasn’t bad, and it has detached me completely from shame, from only identifying as a Bad Mom. Rooting out daily moments of gratitude has allowed me to see my inner goodness, it has allowed me to access my best self without fear of internal judgment, and it has given me the freedom to keep making the mistakes so vital to learning. 

Sure, I may be a fish murderer, but that doesnt automatically qualify me as a Bad Mom – I am a Good AS Fuck Mom who made a mistake. And you are a Good Mom, too – so find an intention statement that works for you, one that, with a bit of attention, you can bridge the gap to action and finally see results. 

Once you ask yourself the hard questions, make a list of ways to take action, and use me as an accountability partner, join my email list and hit reply, or DM me on Instagram I’ll listen. And if you're stuck for an intention, I know you are reading because maybe you have had enough or you are curious about what it would take to be more fun, well maybe for the next week you can try this one for size:

I intend to parent differently by committing to the daily practice of gratitude. 

Don’t you ever forget you have all the pieces to the equation. And you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

What to read next:

Listen to this post as a Podcast:

How Does Gratitude Improve Parenting?

Recently I decided to ask ChatGPT this question:

How does Gratitude Improve Parenting?

I know from personal experience that gratitude has improved my relationship with my kids, self, and partner — but I wanted to hear what the research AI had to say. Here’s its answer:

Gratitude can improve parenting by promoting a positive mindset and perspective. When parents practice gratitude, they focus on the things they appreciate and value in their children and family, rather than dwelling on their challenges and frustrations. This can lead to a more fulfilling and rewarding parent-child relationship and can also increase their overall sense of well-being and happiness. Gratitude can also foster a sense of emotional connection and can help parents to respond to their children in a more positive and supportive way, which can have a long-lasting impact on their children's emotional and behavioral development.

From my own personal research, I find this to be spot on. Gratitude changes our perspective by opening our worldview to allow more CHOICES to be discovered.

When there are more choices we dont feel trapped, burned out, or overwhelmed, even within the highly stressful experience of parenting differently than we were raised.

When you choose to parent differently you are stepping into foreign territory, shedding the learned habits from youth, and the model your parents provided, for something that you are a beginner at.

That was choosing to let go of parenting perfectly as the books told me - to let go of worrying about HOW I was parenting and begin to look inside myself instead.

What did I discover when I stopped striving for perfection in parenting and turned inward instead?

I found a tight, scared, and exhausted shell of who I used to be before I was graced with my adorable kids. This was scary, and I knew I needed help. And so, I put down the parenting books and picked up a few good self-help ones instead.

Now after years of investing in myself through therapy, devoted mindfulness and gratitude practice - and exercise - I understand that the role of having choices is invaluable to parenting.

When we choose to be grateful amidst hardship, we are making a radical decision to choose our mental health over what society says is more “important” - and when we do that, we can discover that all those moments that we thought made us a “Bad Mom” are actually not that many. When we sit down to list our gratitude we discover that we have overlooked a million and one things that make us Good AF moms instead.

Gratitude can also positively impact cycle-breaking (or just trying to parent a little bit differently.)

And as a disclaimer, I have no intention of outsourcing my blog posts or podcast to the machines; after all, if you listened to Episode 31 (Intention Action Gap), you’ll know that no AI would ever understand what it’s like to cook your child’s betta fish overnight… I hope you have a good week - and don’t forget you are already a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

Need more science? Watch as OG Gratitude researcher, Professor Robert Emmons, explains why gratitude is so important to our life satisfaction:

What to read next:

Listen to this post as a Podcast:

Gratitude Practice: Hello Moment!

After 20 years of supporting parents, ‘practical’ mindfulness is the only way I talk about mindfulness anymore. Mindfulness is very doable, but the idea of adding mindfulness to our to-do lists is burnout-provoking. In reality, mindfulness simply means noticing what we tend to put on cruise control. I can be breathing and notice that I am breathing - that slight shift from just doing the thing to noticing the doing - that's mindfulness.

One of the obstacles to mindfulness is unpleasant emotions. If you are feeling angry it takes a lot of courage to look under than anger and see what else is there. It takes a lot of courage to feel anger too. It’s easier to move on with your day, isn’t it? Yes, mindfulness does apply to unpleasant feelings as well as pleasant ones. It applies to everything - it’s just a way to shift our awareness and become more present in our lives or even just small moments throughout the day. 

I want to talk about mindfulness in practical applications that can help us to jump the hurdles of our psyche (or what some mindfulness teachers call “resistance”), by incorporating them into our existing parenting routines.

Whenever I read a scientific study or an article on how the pandemic made our anxiety worse, the writers always say, “anxiety is worse in stressful times.” Then I think - but having a 2, 3, or 14-year-old IS “stressful times” even when the world isn’t on fire.

The stresses of parenting send you to places where you have no choice but to go.

And so even before we get to mindfulness we need to establish a little self-compassion for where we are and what we do each day. Your gratitude practice will help you to see all the good things that happen each day, and the good things you do for other people too - and for me, this is the proof that I am a good person, that what the voices in my head telling me is untrue. Once I remember my inner goodness, self-compassion can flow easier. It can be as simple as telling myself that this part’s not supposed to be easy, acknowledging that I am struggling without judgment of that struggle, or just stopping and saying that’s enough for today — these are all significant steps to take.

Mindfulness helps us stay longer in the present moment instead of bouncing forward to the future and backward to the past. And I know I have said it before, but – being in the present moment is your greatest ally as a parent.  Noticing how we feel, where we are, and what our expectations are, immediately makes parenting more of a solvable puzzle. So back to the basics here. We can notice things as pleasant and unpleasant or neutral – these are called feeling tones or vendanās in Buddhism. We can bring a soft mindful touch to those tones, and they, in turn, can keep us rooted here in the present.

Of course, you are busy, and you aren’t just going to remember to stop and feel your breath or body multiple times a day. At first, it will take some deliberate action to signal to your brain that this new way of noticing, or living in the world, with more awareness - well, it’s what you want to do now. This is why using techniques like Stop Signs, alarms, mantras, and lists is important because they replace old habits.

---

---

GOODAF MOM GRATITUDE PRACTICE:

This is where the phrase Hello, Moment! comes in. I have painted the phrase Hello, Moment! on rocks and written it on post-it notes that I scatter around my house and car, and garden.  I like Hello, Moment! because it’s a phrase that is non-judgmental, kind, and even a little fun. If rocks aren’t your thing - you could even use a wipe-off marker to write it on the mirrors in your bathrooms.

These little reminders become an easy way to begin the repetitive training our brains require to develop new habits. This new habit is mindfulness, of pausing and noticing the moment we are in.

How does it Work in Real Life?

Maybe I am walking a basket of dirty laundry on my way to the washer and see the words Hello, Moment! on a windowsill rock or sticky note nearby. I am reminded to take a moment. What do I do with this moment? Well, maybe I go super sensory – I notice my hands holding the laundry, maybe there’s a smell to the laundry (gross) or a sound nearby. I could use it as an opportunity to list three things I am grateful for. I could also notice the feeling tones in my body of unpleasant, pleasant, and neutral, or I can look for any interior grumbling happening - I mean, it’s laundry after all - and if I want to or if it feels good to, I can deliberately notice something positive and beautiful instead - maybe the color of my favorite underwear in the pile, all moody and dark maroon.

Do it with Your Kids!

When you sit down to make three or four Hello, Moment! reminders, make sure they are cheerful, give them a sparkle, or make them pretty in some way. Then when you spot one in the wild, this “niceness” will naturally incline your mind towards that as a first step towards positivity. However you do it, make sure you place them in high-traffic areas at first, so you can get into a sort of rhythm. 

This is just one practical and no-pressure way to incorporate mindfulness into your daily routines. Adding in Stop Signs on your pick-up and drop-off routes is another, and the Choose a Color Game from Episode 12 of the podcast is another. Learning a new skill takes time, but the beauty of mindfulness is that it is always accessible. Like right now, if you stopped to notice your hands or feet, you could. Before I said that, your awareness was probably somewhere else (maybe coming up with a few places to put those rocks?) But once I said notice your hands, your mind went right there. It’s doable. And the more you do it, the more it comes in handy. You can notice, “Wow, I feel tight” or “I feel like I want to run out of this room and as far away as possible”, and offer yourself a little compassion just in time.

Because you are a GoodAF Mom who has choices. – Stef

What to read next:

Listen to this Post as Podcast:

Moonlight Gratitude with Emily Silva

Podcast Guest:

Emily Silva

Coach, Author: Moonlight Gratitude

Are you struggling to add new routines that support your mental health as a mother? Are you feeling ashamed about not being able to stick with new habits? Discover how to add gratitude to your routine with guest Emily Silva of SoulsAdventures.com. Emily and I discuss simple ways to make new routines stick and answer a reader’s question.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

OUR QUESTION TODAY WAS THE FOLLOWING:

Why can’t I add a nightly gratitude routine?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation…

I've been doing gratitude forever and I have a great morning routine. It's very solid. But I can't practice gratitude or get into a routine at night and so this week’s question was acutally from me!

I think I've tried for 4 years to have a nourishing nighttime routine. And to give you a little back history, I used to drink at night, but I don’t anymore. I also used to have that “mom coping time” where it was finally quiet, the kids are asleep, there was no one demanding anything from me and so I'm going to have a couple of drinks and I'm going to scroll. Maybe you know it.

By the time I would hit the pillow I was exhausted and I was not sober, right? So I thought maybe that was the reason I didn't have an evening gratitude practice because I was in an altered state. However, recently I did a no-sugar diet and I cut alcohol. When I came back from the diet I decided not to drink before bed anymore. So I completely changed my habits. Now I make myself a cup of tea and then I read before bed. But even with these new habits I still couldn’t add in a gratitude practice. What should I do?

Emily: Well it sounds like you have a bedtime routine. The thing you just told me is your routine is reading and a cup of tea, that is your routine. You do it every single night. And so if you want to add gratitude to your routine that you already have, you just have to pair it. So before you open the book do your gratitude.

This shocked me because it was so simple. Of course, it you have a reward you can introduce a new aspect of a routine much easier. And the thing I like the most about my routine is the reading. So it becomes my reward. In the morning, I have always stuck to my routine because I get up 1 hour earlier than the rest of the household. And the QUIET and peacefulness of the house is my reward.

Emily: I think with habits we need to reward ourself. It's not like you're punishing yourself with the routine. It's just training yourself and so the reward is the next chapter of your book. To answer your question more generally: Why it's hard to practice gratitude at night? It’s hard because our day is done and we just went through the entire thing. And so I think sometimes we can get ourselves to bed and we're so tired that it's like I can't even do a thing. I can't even open a book and write down something. So if you're at that point, as you're going off to sleep just think of the one thing - like one magic moment of the day.

It doesn't even have to be magic. It could be just something that made you smile and I think the expectations we place on routine, morning routine, night routine, wherever we're at in our schedule — it sets us up for failure because you already have a routine, the expectation makes it feel like you don’t.

I asked Emily how she established a morning routine since she is more of a night owl:

Coffee. Using a drink in the morning or even in the evening is like pairing routine with a reward as well. Like I'm not going to have my glass of wine until I have my gratitude done. I'm not going to have my tea or coffee in the AM or I'm not going to read my next chapter. Whatever it is, we have to reward ourselves and that's something that James Clear says in Atomic Habits: In order to create a habit we need to make it easy and we need to make it enjoyable.

SOME OTHER TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION:

• Savoring good feelings for 15 to 30 seconds helps the brain to make new neural pathways - learn more here.

• James Clear empathizes that to introduce a new habit it has to be both easy to adapt and enjoyable - even if that joy comes from the reward you give yourself once it’s over. His book Atomic Habits will change the way you look at your daily routines! 

• Have you tried Itsy Bitsy Baby Yoga - it’s my favorite baby yoga book and it’s what helped me to become a morning person all those years ago when I had my first son.

You can find Emily on Instagram @soulsadventures and her books (listed below) on her website as well as on Amazon: 

• Moonlight Gratitude - new audiobook version available on Audible!

• Moonlight Gratitude: A Journal

• Find Your Glow, Feed Your Soul

• Sunrise Gratitude

Make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

Read these next:

Listen to the Episode Here:

How Can I Grow as Mother?

A fresh take on motherhood can follow these steps: reflecting, remembering, and reorientating, which can lead to new growth.

• Reflecting on what you need.

• Remembering the statistics of being a human.

• Reorientating our mindsets to focus on what we can control.

Reflecting on what you need (i.e. what is working, and what is not).

Do you have enough time to reflect at all? Are you resting enough? What are you loving about your days? These are the areas that need checking from time to time. I believe that the simplest form of self-care is self-reflection and no amount of “me time” is going to cut it if I also don’t look inside and listen to the messages contained within.

For most of us, scheduling time for rest and reflection is actually at the very wrong end of our to-do list. It’s a thing that we try to squeeze in here and there on weekends and vacations. And when we do that, it’s giving the message to our brains that it doesn't matter that much to us - it’s an extra. Instead, the message our brains receive is the things we choose to do every day before we rest are actually what’s most important.

Remembering the statistics of being a human…at all.

Have you heard of Gary Vaynerchuk? He’s a marketing guy turned motivational speaker. I have been following Gary Vee since 2008, and I read his book called Crush It because I wanted to learn how to navigate the growing social media world and get it in front of more moms. 

He has this thing he says about being alive - that is straight existential gratitude in action and something I think we need to think about when turning over a new leaf.

He says:
“400 trillion to 1, those are the odds of becoming a human being. You are more likely to win the lotto 10 times in your life, then actually having a life… So no more dwelling, no more complaining, right now, wrap your head around this ridiculous gift you were given, it’s called life.”

I think about this a lot when I am feeling low, and even though gratitude has a way of putting everything into perspective, sometimes I need a dose of the strong stuff, existential gratitude – and it never fails to stop me and shake me out of my “not good enough” trance. We are lucky to be here at all, let’s start there and hold ourselves accountable to this one special life. 

Of course, that also feels like a lot of pressure too. So let’s break that down. It’s not about valuing your life as sacred and being so careful with it you dont make mistakes. For me this mind-opening exercise is about reminding myself to notice life, to allow myself the opportunities to feel emotions deeply instead of avoid them, and to stop placing blame on other people for what may be going wrong.

---

---

Reorientating our mindsets to focus on what we can control (and not on what we can not).

The average adult makes 35000 decisions a day according to research, and delegating can be important to lightening this load but what you are really doing when you delegate is simplifying your decision-making throughout your day. When you no longer have to decide whether to do laundry before you head off to work or when you get home your world gets a little lighter - and clearer!

We can do this by establishing more rigid routines and cutting stupid decisions and power struggles from our lives - like if he wants to wear his PJs to target let him. Another option is to habit stack tasks, so when you fold the clothes, put the ones for tomorrow on top of the dresser as you put the others away so that you don’t have to think about what to wear for at least one or two days a week. 

You can make your car a no-decision zone too - keep water, snacks, diapers, and wipes in your center console, have a separate pair of sunglasses that live in there versus the ones you constantly lose in the house, and keep a sweatshirt or two for the park as well.

Basically “Type A Mom” is the s#%t out of your life. And that sounds like a nightmare - don’t do it. Find another way to limit your daily decisions instead. Fewer choices mean faster decisions and a happier life Mama.

Finally, when we chose gratitude each day, we choose to focus on the positive over the negative in our lives. No this does not mean the negative will go away, in fact, it will still be there but we can choose to focus our mental energy on the good in our lives which ofter goes overlooked because the negative is so loud or heavy. And I hope that you start by reminding yourself you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef

What can I read next?

Listen to this post as a podcast!

Gratitude Practice: The Hot Mom Walk

Rhythm matters to regulation, so if you are a stressed parent exercise that induces a rhythm is important to emotional regulation. Now if you follow me on Instagram you know that I post a video from my walk every morning. I love to walk, I walk three miles a day typically. And I walk fast, it's not leisurely. Exercise in general helps me overall from my physical health to my well-being. Ever since I started moving 5 days a week I have had fewer depressive episodes, and less low back pain and I am not as tired in the afternoons.

But I haven’t always walked. In fact, I really got serious about daily exercise during the pandemic because I was just dying on the inside. It was a way to balance myself out a bit. I didn’t want to leave the house because I was in charge of online schooling and basic child wrangling, so I started attending my son’s online PE classes. It was a win-win too because he was not motivated at all by the exercise videos the teacher shared and he was getting into trouble laying on his bed most of class, etc, you get it. So two birds and one stone.

We had fun doing the silly workout videos online - it was a blast - and it was f-ing hard too! I mean I haven't done burpees since I was in high school - and mountain climbers? I mean this was some real hard stuff they were doing. So a few months of that every day and I was feeling better (well, more in shape at least), and I decided I would try some online videos of my own. And so began the torture I called my pandemic exercise which consisted of all HIIT (or High-Intensity Interval Training) workouts - and yes it was intense. I did these 30-minute videos 5 days a week. Sure it felt great when they were over but WOW did they suck when I was doing them.

---

---

Fast forward 6 months and I have reduced the videos down to like 3 days a week because it’s just too much, and I have substituted in 2 days of walking outside because its summer break, we’ve got this quarantine thing down – and it's a nice break from being in the house, to be honest. And I’m loving it, the birds, the breeze, the overall feeling of being OK and safe outside. It was so nice. But I’m also still putting in the work with the HIIT 3 days a week to make sure I'm staying fit you know? And sure it’s still torture but it feels like what exercise should be right?

At the same time as this is going on I am reading The Artist's Way, which is a classic self-development program that is targeted towards “creatives” or people who identify as such. And one morning the journaling prompt asked me to write out my perfect day. And I did - and wow, did it shape my life. The beginning of the paragraph is super crystal clear in my mind still because its what made me change overnight and it started like this:

I wake up and do my morning routine. The house is quiet and as the kids wake up I listen as they get themselves ready for school. They are old enough now that they do their own thing and I do mine. I finish in time to say goodbye as they get in the car and drive themselves to school. I stretch and get ready for my walk, I love being outside each day connecting with nature, the weather and my neighborhood. I come home and have a nice long cup of tea as I prepare my schedule for the day….

And on I go.

I can still remember sitting there reading what I wrote and marveling at the many similarities there were to the life I was already living or would in the future. The kids being older and more time for myself - it was already coming true each day. How much I loved my morning routine and listening to the quiet house - yes! But what was glaringly and obviously different was the fact that I simply went on a walk every day - I wasn’t killing myself to maintain my body and abs and squat muscles, I was enjoying my exercise. I knew right then I would be happier if I just walked every day. And I purposely let go of the belief that I wouldn’t get enough exercise and chose to slow down and do the thing that had qualified for my perfect day and to walk.

And I began to look forward to exercising - I loved walking. I pushed myself to do it fast and to break a sweat and I noticed that I didn’t gain any weight back. Sure, I may have lost some arm muscle but I didn’t care. I was outside and I felt like a weight had been lifted. I started to look around and use the walk as a time for purposeful gratitude. Sure I listened to podcasts lots of the days but for a lot of them I listened to nothing but the birds and the world around me and savored, and it was glorious. 

Come to find out I was doing something that many people were doing at the time which caught on with a trendy name - the hot girl walk. Invented by 23-year-old Mia Lind, on Tiktok, the Hot Girl Walk was born when she was stuck at home quarantining with her family instead of at USC where she was an undergrad. The Hot Girl Walk is simply a walk where instead of entertaining yourself or distracting yourself you spend the time thinking of all 3 things: Your goals, what you are grateful for, and how hot you are.

I love it. It’s such a simple formula — but of course, instead of a Hot Girl Walk, I go on Hot Mom Walks. My Hot Mom Walks are filled with gratitude, and also self-confidence boosting hip swings, but also I like to reflect on my goals for my self-growth: How am I doing? Am I treating myself well this week? Is gratitude landing the same as it did last week? What about my Mom Guilt is she still as loud as last week - how will I acknowledge her but also say no thank you? 

It’s a simple time to stop and reflect - like I always say: Checking in with ourselves is the simplest way to start any amount of healing. On a walk you don’t take the time to fix anything, you just notice, and if my mind starts getting crazy ideas like abs really do matter, I remind myself that I am walking because, from the deepest part of my psyche, something told me that my perfect day included a walk. I dont need the perfect sculpted butt or the tonest arms on the block. I just need to use this time to remember myself, to give myself the attention I so deserve, and to look around and really savor some really simple gratitude. 

We could go into the research on walking (or savoring too!) and I’m sure I could find a few studies to support the 3 miles I do each day, but I am going to go simple here - for me a Hot Mom Walk works. And maybe for you it’s something different. When I was doing the High-Intensity workouts they felt right, like just suck it up and do it Stef because it’s worth it right. But I never really wanted to do them - I want to walk every day. I enjoy it it doesn’t feel like exercise.

GoodAF Mom Gratitude Practice:

I would encourage you to sit for a few minutes sometime this week and try out The Perfect/Ideal Day journalling prompt. Try it - go from when you wake up until you hit the pillow and try to be detailed. Then look at the things you wrote. Where can you tweak your daily routine to be more in alignment with what you deeply desire? And how can you make your life a little more fun? For me it’s the Hot Mom Walk - we shall see what it is for you! Thanks for reading and remember you are already a Good AF Mom! - Stef

What to read next!

Listen to this post as a Podcast:

Burnout and the Benefits of Gratitude

Understanding Burnout: It's More Than Just Exhaustion

Did you know that burnout is not a medical diagnosis, (I’ll remind you that I am not a doctor; I’m just a mom and a professional nanny who has both experienced burnout in its many forms and also watched, helped, and supported moms who have reached their own done, done, done moments).

Psychological and Physiological Aspects of Burnout Explained

According to psychologists, Burnout is actually a physiological and psychological state we can reach when the following things go off the rails: Sleep, Healthy Choices (whatever that means to you), Resources, and Support. A ‘state’ means it’s temporary - which is a good thing, right? That’s our first step out of the tunnel. Perspective to see that even though everything is a mess and so heavy and demanding, it is temporary.

The Power of Gratitude in Combating Burnout

Another thing that can help is gratitude. In fact, David W. Chan, who is a psychology professor at the University of Hong Kong, has done numerous burnout studies specifically with teachers and he has this to say, “the burnout components (emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and a reduced sense of personal accomplishment) are diametrically opposite views of the good life (pleasant, engaged, and meaningful life), suggesting promoting the good life or well-being could be an effective positive approach to combating burnout.” He believes that interventions based on forgiveness and gratitude are a positive approach to combatting burnout.

Self-Care Strategies for Overcoming Burnout

So how can we use the benefits of gratitude to combat burnout? Well, the first thing I would say is, if you really feel like total crap, go outside. If you can’t, then put on your favorite music or go for a drive. Basically, create a scenario where even with your toddler in tow, your mood is boosted by your environment. This takes the pressure off you having to do “something” when you are already overwhelmed – you can take a drive and look out the window and give yourself something to look at or feel that inspires gratitude. 

When we are burned out, many things happen - we no longer look to others for social support, and we think everything is terrible, our mothering, our house, our job. It may even feel like we get small and tight. We also stop caring for ourselves. All of this is normal. It’s our bodies coping mechanisms at work. 

So after your walk or drive, I would suggest trying one personal care item - a nap, a shower, or a meal. Nourish yourself and meet some of your basic needs. When we are burned out, sometimes it's because we have chosen our children’s needs and happiness over our own for too long - choosing yourself is not selfish. Meeting your own basic needs for sleep, sustenance, exercise, and hygiene sets an excellent example for your children, and it also offers an opportunity to teach the language of boundaries to our children. 

Now if you can’t do that, OK, when I feel burned out, I don’t feel like I have time for anything - and that ‘anything’ is everything. There is so much to do and so much demanded of me all at once. I am overwhelmed. “Overwhelm” is a powerful emotion and is always coupled with burnout, in my personal opinion.

The Scarcity Trap: How it Impacts Your Well-being

Overwhelm is typically based on a scarcity mindset. A scarcity mindset is one of “not enough” - not enough time, patience, money, and support - you get it. Let’s remember that our culture teaches the scarcity mindset. We have to be in constant motion if we want to be successful. We have to take advantage of every moment of downtime or multi-task because we are moms, and that’s what we do. 

I like to use the analogy of a pie. The mom pie. My pie is made up of the pie shell or all the things you can see (cultural and role-based demands) and the filling or the things no one can see (the invisible load and my mental health) what it’s made of changes from season to season - sometimes filled with sweet and delicious summer fruits, a very demanding season! Or hearty holiday meat filling, nutritious, and just as chaotic!  Now if I took the time to rest, that's a bunch of pie getting eaten up and its hard not to see that if I rested it would mean I would have to say “No” to something else in the future because no matter what my pie is made of there’s only so much of it to go around. 

When I’m out, I’m out. Sometimes I run out of time, and others I run out of patience, but either way, there’s rarely enough for me to get a little taste. Laundry, organized fridges, holiday decorations, and even teaching certain skills, are based on cultural expectations that I call pie eaters. We are told we can do anything and everything as parents but then also told we have our limits and things need to go a certain way in order for us to check the “parenting win” box. And these pie eaters don’t just come from our own childhood and the way we were parented but also from the systems around us. They keep us from never fully realizing that we have enough pie for ourselves too - that in fact, the pie is infinite and never runs out, that there is always enough. Instead, there’s never enough and look at how fast it goes - all totally and utterly out of our control. 

But to be honest, on the days I choose to rest or play with my children instead of doing laundry, I get just as much done. And my relationship with the items that don’t get finished is very different. I discover a relaxed approach - one of equanimity - and look at the unfinished to-do list without feeling like a failure because I got a taste of the pie that day; I was a great parent; I made a puzzle with my son, and he told that silly story, and that makes it all worth it. So after you go for a walk or a drive or listen to some music - my suggestion would be to write your gratitude list because like I always say - you are not noticing all the good around you and all the great mom-ing you are doing too.

Escaping the Scarcity Mindset: Embracing Abundance and Balance

A scarcity mindset can be a good thing - think about all the essays you wrote in school that would still be languishing half-completed if you hadn’t had a deadline. Or the way we have learned to conserve our resources as climate change has demanded us to become more mindful. Scarcity can also orientate your mind solely on the present moment, “How can I make it through Thursday with what we have left in the bank” or “Do I have enough formula to get through the night?” It helps us to hone in on what’s important or the most pressing need in the moment - to prioritize. 

What a scarcity mindset also does is activate the Inner Critic, that voice that is only concerned with the survival of the species and less with how you feel in your one and only lifetime. It tells you that a clean kitchen is more important than connecting with your child, and it reminds you of the last time you were late with the water bill and how your partner was like what the fuck. These alarm bells are valid and are for your own protection. They can keep you afloat and safe but will also definitely impact your daily experiences and well-being.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Stef T. | Parenting with Gratitude™ (@parent_differently)

A scarcity mindset also blocks your wisdom or that voice inside you that helps you to see the big picture. Living inside of what many call the “Scarcity Trap,” your brain no longer offers you the options that you may actually have at your disposal. Your innate creativity becomes a dead weight that is shed at the first opportunity so that your brain can solely focus on coping, like how to pay the rent or even how you are going to find an ounce of alone time in this crazy neverending parenting life you are living. 

Limiting your perspective is one of scarcity’s most problematic effects. In fact Havard behavorial economists, Sendhill Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir argue that the Scarcity Trap creates a mindset that rarely considers our long-term best interests and therefore blocks you from your GoodAF Mom Intention.

“To put it bluntly,” says Mullainathan, “if I made you poor tomorrow, you’d probably start behaving in many of the same ways we associate with poor people.” And just like many people who live at or below poverty, he adds, you’d likely get stuck and stay stuck in the scarcity trap.

Gratitude as a Path to Overcoming Burnout

So you see how gratitude could help here. When we are burned out, we immediately go to a place of scarcity - it's natural, we feel overwhelmed and under-cared for, and of course, we have Mom Guilt when we can’t meet our children’s needs in the best most perfect way because we are exhausted. 

But when we blame ourselves for where we are or for our struggles to make ends meet or even to complete assignments at work – we forget the systematic machine telling parents (mainly women) they need to be all things to all people all the time. And the same goes with asking for help with the mental load - we have to do the heavy lifting of making a list or having a tough conversation with our partner when we know we are not going to be at our best. 

Choosing Presence Over Perfection: Embracing Imperfections in Motherhood

If you look within without blaming, I bet you will see that you don’t want a perfect house or perfect life, you want to show up for your kids as your whole self, not some shell of a mom and woman. When I realized that one of my most significant stressors was the Perfect Mom mindset I carried around, I also knew that I didn't want that for my kids or me. My scarcity mindset over perfecting my children’s fleeting childhoods quickly disappeared. I didn’t have to be a good mother every second to be a good mother. I love them each day, and that’s enough. I do my best, and that’s enough - I do not have to be anxious about making each day perfect as if it’s the only day we have with each other.

Mixing in a daily practice of gratitude shifts our mindset from treading water to reflection and awareness. You can thank yourself for choosing to play with your kids instead of cleaning; you can be grateful for finding a moment of ease and peace on an otherwise busy day. You may regret taking 10 minutes to draw or play a card game with your child when you sit back down to fold laundry after putting them to bed, but when you wake up the next day, I bet you will be thankful for that time with them. You will feel full.

The Role of Gratitude in Cultivating Positive Emotions and Healing

Positive emotions like gratitude, joy, and delight are not extras. They are not what we should feel once we start working. Soft skills like these are not soft; they are the bedrock of our motherhood. Without them, our healing work would be incomplete (and intolerable). Using gratitude to bring a level of detached acceptance to a situation opens up just enough room, even in the state of burnout, to let down our guard with the ones we love and let in a little giggle or two. Because you have so much Mama - so so much, and once you look around, I know that you will discover you are GoodAF - Stef

Want to listen to this post as a Podcast?

Being Grateful for What Sucks

Listen to this blog post as a podcast:

You are not broken Mama, and you don’t need fixing.

Ok, so I am not the only person that has said this to you before, huh? I am sure that you have seen it on Instagram or Pinterest in a cute graphic, but what does “you don’t need fixing” really mean?

Well, when you are in a “fixing” mindset, everything needs to be fixed; things need a hard look and need to be rearranged or changed in some way. So if you’re sad - you need to be not sad; if your sink is full of dishes, that s#$% needs to change.

And if you identify as a woman, this is a story that you have been told since you were born. You’re too loud, you’re not polite enough, your dress is too short, and you're broken in so many ways you never knew you were - you thought you were whole, but the world told you, you were not.

And, of course, as mothers, we are told a new set of things that we are not doing well. And it makes us anxious and keeps us busy constantly fixing.  And as a community, we are not feeling ourselves anymore. We are tired AF and fed up.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Stef Tousignant | Parenting with Gratitude (@parent_differently)

And it’s true its not just our psyches telling us to shape up, everywhere we turn, someone is offering to FIX us and make it all better – You are parenting TOO much! and working TOO hard! and not caring for yourselves ENOUGH! OMG would you REST! But all we want is to make it through another day, eager to slip off quietly into the solitary peace of the post-bedtime routine scroll until we pass the F out.

I call this the Modern Parenting Set Up.

Needless to say, our negative leaning mindsets are not totally our fault. And the worst part of that is our brains are wired to stay vigilant to survive, so we avoid failure, and we take our mistakes very, very seriously - some would say too seriously based on our advanced environments and the relative safety our communities provide, there isn’t a tiger in every bush anymore.

So yes, we need reminding that we are not broken. We are GoodAF moms living in a messy and still evolving world. And fixing ourselves to make it all better isn’t necessarily the key. What actually needs to happen is we need to teach ourselves to look through a new lens - one that sees the world for what it is without the judging and survival instincts we carry around. 

Let's use an example: Say you walk into your toddler's room, and their room is a disaster, like toys are just like — everywhere. And immediately, obviously, you're overwhelmed. But then the next thing that comes through is: Wow, I am raising a lazy and entitled child, and I'm doing a horrible job. 

Now, back up, and go back into the room and try to lose the fixing mindset. Bring a curious, non-judgmental view instead: Wow, there are toys on the ground. Okay, what are toys for? to be played with. And without trying to fix the situation, we can see that what is happening in this room is actually a well-lived toddler life. This is a good childhood. We get to a place of wow, I'm a really good parent because I've provided the things that my child needs. And they're playing with them.  And they're growing and learning and developing as a human. And that's amazing. 

Looking around our house at the places where society has told us to think one way and actually put down the fixing mindset and look at it as what it is:

• Wow, that's a sink full of dishes and a messy kitchen floor OR Wow, That's a well-fed family. 

• Or Wow, that's a cluttered living room OR Wow, look at all the fantastic memories that room holds. 

• Let’s try another one - Look at all the crap in the garage I will never be able to park there again OR Wow, thats a lot of memories we have made together, and look at all the fun sports and activities we do as a family. 

None of these observations say you have to stop there and leave the toys on the floor or the crap in the garage, it’s about reframing your reaction to the stuff, to your environment that usually sends you directly to a place of overwhelm because it’s all just too much.  But that ‘too much’ Mama - that’s the result of a well-lived life. That’s family life.

There are a lot of people in your house, and they are doing things – they are busy growing and wearing fresh clean clothes and staying healthy with showers and baths and blueberries they drop all over the floor.

Your kids are ok. You are doing an amazing job - and you just have to look around to find the proof of that.  And so ‘stop fixing’ actually can lead to acceptance, which can actually lead to realizing that you're actually a really good parent - in fact, you are Good AF. And yes, the mantra this week is “You are Not Broken. You are perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully whole” download it for free no email required! I hope this mindset shift helps you the coming new year. - Stef

Download the Free Gratitude Mantra WallPaper for your phone or tablet - no email required!

Gratitude Practice: Stop Signs

Listen to this blog post as a podcast:

I am excited to share another gratitude practice I find super valuable — I think having many different ways of practicing gratitude regularly Helps boost your brain’s rewiring, but I’m not a Neuroscientist!

I do know from experience, that noticing our body states, acknowledging when things are difficult, and labeling our emotions all contribute to becoming O.K. with making mistakes and skipping the Mom Guild on our way to a more grounded and healthy life.

We live in a world constantly begging for our attention, pulling us away from our bodies and from what we are feeling at that very moment. When we live inside our phones, we have stepped out of our bodies — if we are looking at quotes that lift us up, well then phew, but if we are scrolling through clean house after gorgeously clean house - then it’s a setup! This out-of-body experience can make it seem like the present moment is not important. 

And even if we aren’t on our phone, maybe we are walking the dog or driving down that same stretch of road, our mind is a BUZZ with ideas and thoughts about landscaping designs or that annoying way our neighbor parks his car.  After all, sometimes it feels really relaxing to think! At least for me, my imagination has always been a place to let my thoughts run wild and free, but when our thoughts become judgemental or repetitive or stuck in “planning” mode - they have officially taken control of our moment AND of our life’s story, which is made up of moments upon moments. 

My 9-year-old son just recently said to me: “Mom, when I am in class, sometimes I can’t stop counting like I will count to 1000 if I let my brain do it!”  Wow - what a machine we have at our fingertips. And sometimes it feels good to count or to plan a big event – to give our brains something to do. To be out of our body, to not feel the sticky emotions left from a tough morning or week - yes, please! However, when we settle into that cozy thought pattern, we are not in control things like cultural expectations, parental modeling, habitual thinking, and survival instincts well they take the reins so to speak.

But being in the present moment is your greatest ally as a parent. 

Noticing how we feel, where we are, and what our expectations are, immediately makes parenting a solvable puzzle. It boils down to how we think, feel and behave. 

How we feel in any given moment can be the key to unlocking new and more beneficial habits. It can be the key to feeling satisfied in a world that keeps telling us we aren’t. 

Noticing how we think also accesses the same out-of-body skills we already have when we zone out –  just for good instead. We can rebrand this zone-out time as awareness time because awareness is something you have already. It’s just noticing. You are aware of where your phone is right now, right? How about your toddler? (fingers crossed...) How about when the dog has to go out next? Hopefully, that too. You have the awareness to know you are reading this and if you wanted to you could become aware of your right foot or nose right now, yep they’re there.

If this is your first practice post, I will get back to the basics here. We can notice things as pleasant and unpleasant or neutral. We can bring a soft mindful touch to those moments and they in turn can keep us rooted here in the present. Why exactly would we want that?

Because another name for when we freak out or lose ourselves to yelling or other things that feel like inner betrayals - is what neuropsychologist, Rick Hanson, Ph. D. calls “Reactive Mode”. This is a mode of living in which we spend all our mental and physical energy coping and nothing is left for healing or growth. 

This mode of living causes us to lose control over our actions and get caught in the cycle of our learned behavior and habitual/primal responses: like if we hear a crash in another room instead of running to our child and scooping them into our arms to make sure they are ok  – we yell “What happened!!? What did you do!?”

Living in this constant reactive mode can lead to an overload of both our physical and emotional systems. The stress of it may lead to a seemingly permanent shift in our perspective (like everything is always wrong) and in turn, cause the strong urge to self-medicate to soothe our guilt (mommy wine time anyone?). And if we live in that reactive mode for too long Dr. Hanson says there are risk factors for depression and other mental issues that may begin to occur. 

When it comes to our physical health I’ll let Hanson share the bad news:

“The reactive mode assumes that there are urgent demands, so its not concerned with your long-term needs...bodily resources are depleted while building projects such as strengthening the immune system are put on hold, adrenaline and cortisol course through the blood, and fear, frustration and heartache color the mind.”

I live with both anxiety and depression as many of us do these days. I am very aware of the diligence it takes to keep myself from slipping into suffering, whether it’s due to the past or the future at any given moment. I have grown tired of the days lost to depression, the loneliness of living in the future worrying about it all, and so mindful awareness is not just a practice anymore, now it's a way of living. 

Teaching my brain to be more mindful and present helps me to stay out of reactive mode, and I can respond to my children instead. A consistent state of mindful awareness helps me to notice when I have taken the first steps toward rumination or fearful anticipation. Sometimes it’s just noticing that I have fallen into a depression on the first day it hits versus after a full week or so - but wow I will take it.

Typically mindful awareness is introduced with meditation. Take 5 minutes and notice your breathing and watch your thoughts go by like clouds. I think there are many things we ask of parents in this day and age and taking 5 or 10 minutes to meditate just feels like one more big “Ask” I’m not willing to request. I know that what you get out of these podcast episodes is that time to look inside and ask yourself the tough questions you need to ask. 

And if you meditate already - yes it’s amazing and you know the benefits. You understand the levels of calm and ease that can come from sitting still. You may have even discovered some things lurking under the surface that needed to be felt and released. These are all the good parts of meditation. But if you are stressed out because you can’t even pee alone then just forget about it for now. 

So we find ways for you to build this muscle without having to squeeze in another 10 minutes by waking up earlier or taking over your precious naptime.  This is the true self-care - when you can care for your children by first caring for yourself - for valuing your life so much that you choose to live it in the present. 

So our mindful self-care for today is an exercise that I like to call: Building In Stop Signs

Let’s be clear, pressuring yourself to be “mindful” all day will make you miserable. You will not notice enough, or you will be too conscious of all the negative emotions, etc, etc. No. The key to beginner's mindfulness is to build “Stop Signs” into your day. And the second key is using gratitude to give your mind a job to do while you reflect.

We all shuttle our kids to and from music classes and school and sports, no matter what age they may be, so car time offers a great opportunity for us to weave mindfulness into our day. I love to drive and used to take huge long road trips alone before I had kids. This was pre-podcast so I would listen to books on tape or NPR for hours on end, but what I was really doing was thinking, letting my mind go wild! I would drive for 2 hours and not even notice how far I had gone. The car was not a very “aware” place for me. So making a place where I checked in with myself felt like a steep climb at first, but it wasn’t. 

I didn’t realize it at first, but I have a place on the highway I tend to arrive at that breaks me out of my car-driving stupor. It's the mountain near my house. The largest thing on the horizon so it’s tough to ignore and when I reach it I am typically woken up from my thinking trance. At first, it was an innocent “oops, I forget I was driving for a minute” realization. But it has grown into a purposeful “Stop Sign” now. 

When I get to the mountain I use it to check in, to notice different things about my present moment. Any number of inquiries can run through my head at that point pulling me back into my body and the world around me:

• Oh man, was I zoned out the entire time I went to grab takeout? 

• How are you doing Stef, what’s your body like right now? 

• Can you think of one thing to be grateful for right now?

• Have you noticed the song on the radio? How does it make you feel? 

• Look at the light on the mountain, isn't it gorgeous today? 

You get it. The more I do this, the earlier on the highway I can catch my zone out and look around and, more importantly check-in. This Stop Sign is usually the place where I discover I have been carrying a headache around all day. I can unclench my teeth and let the realization seep in that the pain most likely contributed to my mood or feeling a little off or impatient around my kids that day. And I allow myself to release a bit of tension.

Seeing the mountain sometimes inspires me to dive into what makes me happy. I'll finally notice the song that is on and do some deep listening, finding each individual instrument in the background, following them as they weave in and out of the melody. Or if it's a day that I need a release, I will crank it up and sing so loudly that the part of me that wants to yell is freed — before I get home. 

And so, I would encourage you to find your Stop Sign this week to incorporate more noticing and gratitude during the day. We can put our noticing skills to the test here, asking ourselves (sometimes multiple times a day) what we are grateful for. And remember, this is not an opportunity to criticize or even change what is going on - I can’t fix my headache in the car, after all, I notice it and accept that, yep I am in pain, and it sucks.

Choosing to notice the fog around the mountain or if you choose folding laundry as your Stop Sign — then the soft texture of a towel as you fold it — may seem small, but these are the compounding practices that make a big difference to our brains rewiring. So even if the stresses of parenting send you to places that you have no choice to go, you still have a choice: you can simply notice the present moment use your gratitude anchor to find something good, and allow the rest to just be - because a bit of reactivity or a lot of reactivity doesnt make you a bad mom, it makes you human, and I know you are Good As Fuck.  - Stef

---

Join the 90 Day Gratitude Challenge

❤️ Click Here! ➡️

Join the 90 Day Gratitude Challenge ❤️ Click Here! ➡️

---

Other Posts on Practice:

Gracious Mealtimes with Alison Mountford

Podcast Guest:

Alison Mountford

Chef, Food Waste Expert and Mom

Alison and I chatted recently on the Podcast about family mealtimes, food waste, and what its like to parent differently than our mothers.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

OUR QUESTION TODAY WAS THE FOLLOWING:

What’s the difference between a picky eater and a child who knows what they like and don’t like? And where do you draw the line and say forget it when it comes to offering the same foods repeatedly?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation and Alison’s advice.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Stef Tousignant | Parenting with Gratitude (@parent_differently)

Alison: So to me, the clear difference between a picky eater and an opinionated one is their attitude and willingness to taste it.

If you gave my kid pasta with a marinara sauce he's going to go “I don't like that” but has he tasted it? No, so he is solidly in the category of Picky Eater. Or if you give a kid of food and they don't comment on it, they taste it, they give it a fair chance — and they have a good attitude and some curiosity about trying a new thing even if they're a little hesitant but they try it and they can intelligently talk about why, like “this was a little too spicy for me” or “it was really tangy” or “I don't love the texture of this” then that is the point where you can say “Okay well just like Grandma doesn't eat brussels sprouts. You are allowed to have an opinion and say you don't like this food or you did not enjoy it prepared this way.”

But the pickiness really comes in when they have no willingness or when they're clearly with their attitude and their demeanor demonstrating that they're unwilling to try something because it's not familiar to them — or because they actively think they will dislike it but without ever having tried it. So that's a big difference.

I would give a shout-out to all the toddler moms out there who can't really figure out if it's picky or an opinion because there isn't the language around that and that opens up another conversation around teaching language and really talking about your own food.

Alison: So I would I would default till like pre six years old and just assume it's pickiness. But maybe even give them more of the benefit of the doubt than just pickiness which I think has an icky kind of connotation. It's like as soon as you say picky eating everyone gets all ratcheted up about it. I would not say maybe let's not call them picky eaters but let's say if they're younger than 6 or seven years old they're just not experienced. So don't ever write anything off unless it's an allergy and then again, that's not picky. But younger than 6 or 7 I would not allow them to fall into any category quite yet.

What about offering the same food again and again and again?

Alison: You have to serve food in a variety of ways. Maybe one day you have spinach as part of a saute, maybe another time you have it with a lot of garlic. Maybe you try it with balsamic. Maybe you put it chopped up with cheese in a stuffed shell — and just sort of over the course of many years they will be able to experience this one food in a lot of different ways and then maybe they'll find one way that they like it. I would truly say that everybody doesn't stop experiencing foods in different ways. You can always learn to like new foods. So I don't think it's too late for anybody.

Talk about these things openly, learning to like new foods, changing your mind about things, trying things in different ways, trying things at your friend's house or at a restaurant or cooked by somebody else. But what I wouldn't want to do is put the same piece of spinach in front of a kid for 17 years and say no dessert until you eat that spinach. or “I know you didn't like it for the last eleven years, but we're still gonna keep trying this” but I would never allow myself to write off a food without really good reason that they will never like it.

Some other takeaways from our conversation:

• The pressure to meal prep on the weekends is just that, pressure. If you enjoy cooking, then great meal prep on the weekends, but if you would rather be hiking or shopping, then you can easily get by with 30-minute meals on the weeknights.

• Restaurants are much better when it comes to food waste than our own homes. We tend to overbuy and then throw away lots of unused food. At a restaurant, the only person throwing away food is the consumer if they order too much.

• Picking hobbies like cooking and gardening can help to teach our children the valuable skill of waiting - which is essential to combating entitlement in our on-demand society.

You can learn more about Ends & Stems and Alison’s awesome 30-minute recipes that reduce food waste at EndsandStems.com and make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

Check out more Guest Episodes here:

Gratitude Practice: Love and Kindness Body Scan

Listen to this post as a Podcast:

Let’s do a ‘parenting with gratitude exercise where we focus on our bodies. Every few posts or so, I try to give you another gratitude exercise to try because I want you to have that moment when things click, that you say, “Oh yeah, it’s so simple I just have to breath” or “Damnit I AM a Good AF mom — that’s right.” 

I think it’s important to offer a variety of options for you using the catalyst of gratitude - we have done regimented practices like lists and alarms and more creative, fast-paced ones like rapid-fire gratitude and family fun – but we haven’t dropped into the body - that grounding place we carry with us at all times. 

Focusing on our bodies and their experiences during our changing emotional states is called a somatic approach. Yes, some of the exercises somatic therapists use involve breathing, dance, or meditation – but hang on with me a bit if that is too woo for you. What I am suggesting is not some ecstatic dance; I am interested in helping you to tune in with the messages your body is trying to tell you when maybe your brain just wants to keep you nice and busy. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Stef Tousignant | Parenting with Gratitude (@parent_differently)

For example, when I am feeling sad, and I feel it in my body, it feels like a deep dark hole in my heart, and anxiety, well, that’s a really somatic emotion where we can feel tight or vibration or agitation that rips through - that one is hard to miss. And yes, these are the more obvious and uncomfortable emotions, but I also feel gratitude in my body, like a warm light shining from my heart.  

And there are so many more - everyone has their individualized body sensations. When we are busy, not paying attention, or just caught up in modern parenting life, we can miss the more subtle cues our bodies are trying to tell us, like - “That doesn’t feel like the right choice” or “I dont really like talking to her.” And these missed moments can contribute to our feelings of uneasiness in our lives or just general dissatisfaction. 

Typically in these practice articles, I share exercises that work for me to self-reflect, contribute somehow to my long-term healing, or offer self-compassion — all using the prompt of gratitude — and since I feel like I have skipped the body up until this point, I started to sort through my days and experiences to see if I could offer a few somatic options.

A real basic and something we haven’t talked about much on the blog is a body scan, and as soon as I thought of it, I was like, duh, Stef – because I wrote an entire book for kids based on a body scan called The Middle of the Night Book.

A body scan is the perfect example of a somatic exercise you can do to check in with yourself and see just where your body is at. And a body scan is something you can do with or without having to experience a significant and possibly crappy emotion coursing through it. I love the extra attention it gives to the different microclimates of my body and the curiosity and openness it requires. In Buddhism, they call those microclimates feeling tones and typically label them as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral to take some of the mind triggers and judgment out of the process. 

To do a Love and Kindness Body Scan you don’t have to be lying down or in a meditative state - you can simply be sitting in the school pick-up line or feeding your baby a bottle, and you bring your attention to specific body parts. Start from your feet and move part by part up your body, and at each part, you pause and say something kind like Thank you for your support feet, or I send you love and warmth legs - yes, it may feel cheesy but trust me your body does not care. Take your time and go all the way up your body saying these kindnesses and gratitudes – and once you are done, you can offer that baby you're holding the same love and kindness, or if you are alone, then the world - may all beings everywhere be loved and at peace.

This is a simple way I give myself the attention I so deserve. And you deserve it too. Using this type of preventative self-care is vital so that when you do feel a deep and wide emotion like grief or anger, allowing it to be there will be your first step, noticing it and then offering it kindness - I see you deep dark hollow in my chest, I am not going to run away this time. I offer you love and kindness, and respect the messages you may bring up.

We are complex beings who sometimes get stuck inside our heads, I sure do, and the messages up there are hit or miss. The body never lies. It will tell you just what you need to know - it’s just whether or not you take the time to listen. - Stef

Gratitude Will Save Your Motherhood

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Stef Tousignant | Parenting with Gratitude (@parent_differently)

Gratitude will save your motherhood - it saved mine.

Inside each of these blog posts, I hope you find something that resonates with you and helps you feel like a GoodAF mom - because you are! Maybe it’s gratitude, maybe it’s help with caregiver burnout, or maybe it’s mindfulness, I know you will find what works for you.

No matter the method, I know that checking in with ourselves is the simplest way to start any amount of healing.

So if you are unsure what to do next - I would start with self-reflection. And if you are looking for the next step after that, I would try offering a small piece of self-compassion - like “Wow, that is hard” or “Yeah, that’s unfair.”

But if you are looking for a system or a step-by-step path to follow, day after day, you can give gratitude a try.

I like to call that system parenting with gratitude. Why does gratitude matter to parenting? Well, I have been parenting for 14 years. And in the past 14 years, I have felt Mom Guilt, shame, isolation, resentment, burnout, self-doubt, and the list goes on.

And underneath it all lived another issue - right? It was a self-worth issue. A not-good-enough issue. It was rooted in the idea that I was a bad mom. And that issue clouded over everything I did - it was a mindset.

Every time I walked into a room, I brought that mindset with me - the mess on the floor = somehow my fault, the leaky faucet = should have dealt with it this weekend, the breakfast no one ate = I should have listened to what they wanted. I was looking through a cloud.

But as soon as I deliberately started practicing gratitude, there was no argument that I was a good mom because I started to notice all the good things I did every day. I hadn’t been noticing them –  I was just focused on all the mistakes and failures that I was making. Because of that low self-worth cloud.

Parenting with gratitude is not only about looking at the good and being complacent; it’s about realigning your mindset to focus on the good so that you can clear out all that negative self-worth talk, and you can say, “Ok, I am starting from a place of good parenting. I am a good mom who makes mistakes” and then you can go from there.

Gratitude builds upon itself from one day to the next –That’s why I like it so much. Using a daily system, I notice the effects of my effort more quickly - and when I do, I want to do more!  I want to notice more good things, and I want to do more good things for my kids and for others! I notice that I am a good mom, and I have great kids!!

I hope it works for you too! - Stef

Read Other Posts on Gratitude:

Listen to this post as Podcast - and more!

Buy the book that started it all:

---

Building Blocks to Parenting with Gratitude™

Listen to this post as a Podcast:

Since the focus is so heavily on gratitude during the month of November, we are going to shift a bit to talk about skills that we can use year-round for parenting with gratitude™. It’s not just during November that you can layer support upon a daily gratitude practice and add some real punch to your self-growth journey.

If you have read my Gratitude Cheatsheet, you know I have a list of habits I try to practice that build upon my intention for a grateful life. That list was made with the blood, sweat, and tears (well, not really blood) of my own trial and error as I figured out just what worked when supporting this new life filled with gratitude. What new skills could I learn during this process that would set me up for success? 

Well, there are many! Let’s read the list again:

• Wake up a bit earlier, nothing crazy, just like 5 minutes earlier. Write down 10 things you are grateful for - this trains your brain away from the negativity bias. (Gratitude)

• Remind yourself your children don’t know your past traumas or the emotional burdens you may carry. (Equanimity)

• Then remind yourself that they are new to this planet. (Empathy)

• Go through your day and observe your children with the same awe and wonder they observe the world. (Joy and Delight)

• Start saying out loud the nice things that are already in your head. (Affirmations)

• Begin noticing when you’re upset and what your expectations are at that moment. (Mindfulness)

• Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. (Compassion)

• Mentally list 3 things you're grateful for as you get into bed. (Courage)

• Remind yourself of one thing that went well during the day. (Self-Reflection)

These steps are some of the ACTION components to our well-being equation - which is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results 

And they are also rooted in positive emotions that take advantage of Barbara Fredrickson's Broaden and Build cycle. And if you want to know more about the magic of the broaden and build cycle listen to Episode 13 of the podcast.
Today I’m excited to dig into three of the ideas that center around our children, and they are:

• Remind yourself that your kids don’t the emotional burdens you carry. 

• Remind yourself that they are new to this planet. 

And 

• Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. 

To do this, we need to talk about Professor Robert Emmons's ARC Model of Gratitude. He says that gratitude does three things as we become more accustomed to its role in our lives. It Amplifies, Rescues, and Connects or ARC. Gratitude amplifies the good in our world. It helps us to see MORE of it all around us and then expect more of it as we live our everyday lives. And over time, that mindset builds and grows. 

Gratitude rescues us from the negative-leaning aspects of our minds. Have you ever felt stuck in a cycle of forgetfulness or laziness? Yep, that’s your mind at work - keeping you safe but also keeping you pretty cramped and grumpy, always looking for the next thing to go wrong. In addition to our mind’s natural tendency towards the negative, we are influenced by our environments where negative news gets more attention and the louder you yell on social or, the more salacious you act, the more ‘likes’ you get.

It’s exhausting! As Professor Emmons says it, gratitude rescues us from the negativity trap, “rescues us from the thieves that derail our opportunity for happiness, and gets us back on track to contentment and inner peace.”

And finally, gratitude connects! Once you are out of that ‘funk’ and you notice all the good around you, even the most challenging relationships may feel like less of a threat to you. In fact without gratitude, our society would crumble. We would not be connected in the ways we are to people that are outside our family unit. But when you look up from your phone and say “Thank You” to your barista an automatic link is formed between you both, and the world is better for it. 

Using the ARC model, we can take a closer look at our relationship with our children. The first system I use is to amplify my gratitude. And I do this with a series of reminders. You can write these down on a post-it and put them in your car or make a reminder that pops up once a week on your phone or you can simply reflect on them from time to time, but again they are: 

• Remind yourself that your kids don’t the emotional burdens you carry. 

• Remind yourself that they are new to this planet. 

Why do these amplify my gratitude? Well, first off, thank goodness that when I snap at my son, the only thing he sees on his end is me snapping - not my Mom Guilt or my Inner Critic telling me to hurry up or do a better job - he doesn’t need that crap it’s bad enough his mom is mad. And when we cut through the drama and simply see it as “snapping” it’s much easier to notice. Noticing when we act out of alignment with our goals is the first step towards what I call the “Juicy Pause,” or allowing for a longer and longer pause BEFORE the actual mistake. Maybe we breathe instead or use a gentle parenting phrase. But there is no pause without first noticing the unwise action – and there is noticing the unwise action when it’s covered up with a story filled with suffering, “You have to be better” - “You need to hurry up, or you will be late” - “You have to finish this report in total silence or it won’t be tight enough for presentation tomorrow.”  You know the scary voices. So reminder #1 - Your kids do not know your emotional burdens.

Reminder #2 - Your kids are new to this planet. Maybe you have a 2-year-old. That means they have been here for 24 months. That’s it. Total. Of course, they are gonna be a mess they literally just learned how to use their limbs. And sometimes they can talk like you but a lot of the time they can’t! My son, who is 10 - he’s new here! Sure he’s been around the block a few times, but he has not experienced nearly as much as I have or his brother, who is 14. He still hasn’t learned to regulate his emotions or sit still for more than a half hour - and that’s fine! I am grateful for the chance to guide him along the way - the empathy from this type of mindset shift helps us to see just how much effort they are putting in each day to grow and just to learn the lingo and the neighborhood. Would you consider someone who moved into your neighborhood three years ago a local? Or maybe they still have a few things to learn that, if asked you would be happy to teach them.

Empathy also rescues you from the ruminations of parenthood, the 100 times you need to tell them to bring their backpacks in from the car or stay away from the dog’s water dish. Remembering their new here can rescue your mind from the negative places it wants to go like impatience and frustration and bring you back to the present where it’s all one big adventure, and you just happen to be the loving tour guide.

So there are the reminders that amplify and rescue, and then there is the nighttime routine which helps to Connect. But here’s the best part especially for those of you in the throws of toddlerhood moodiness…You do it when they are asleep.

Try this for a week: Before you head off to bed for the night, sneak into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. Savor it. They aren’t awake, so they can’t talk back. You want to think about the most positive aspects of your relationship. If you want, you can list three things that you love about them in your head or write them down and leave them as a morning note. 

If you do this for a week, you will feel a deeper connection grow with your child, and sometimes we need this so that we can access the empathy and mindfulness needed to notice.

As James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, famously says, “You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems.” And just like our GoodAF Mom Intention these ideas are not just a “try it once and let it go” activity. I offer them up as routines that you can incorporate into your parenting - they are the building blocks of what I call Parenting with Gratitude™. Just little tweaks you can make to your normal life that over time will have a big impact. We don’t need to wipe the slate clean, only amplify what is already here and true, rescue our minds from habitual thoughts and reactions and connect with the humans around us. So give it a try and I hope you know – You’re a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

---

Join the 90-Day Gratitude Challenge

➥ Click Here ➥

Join the 90-Day Gratitude Challenge ➥ Click Here ➥

More posts on Gratitude:

How to Avoid Toxic Positivity while Remaining Grateful

Listen to this post as a podcast:

How can we remain grateful while also staying away from toxic positivity?

We are now in what my family calls ‘The Gauntlet’. The time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s that seems to go by SO Fast. And while it's exciting and fun, it’s also a lot. And I want to talk about that “a lot-ness” and about how we can acknowledge both the overwhelming aspects of a situation while also seeing the good - the silver linings.

When we accept that there are both shitty sides to the season and glorious ones, we can become more in alignment with ourselves, the present moment and our GoodAF Mom Intention.

And to do this you can use a visualization practice:

I want you to identify one SMALL annoyance in your life right now and focus on it. We aren’t gonna do a big issue today – but something that is still a bit stressful like a cookie exchange you committed to or getting matching PJs in time (both of these work for me actually). We are not going to make it go away – but silly enough we are going to make it into a household object - so pick something neutral like a hair tie or a coin got it?

Now think about your house. Some places are pleasant, there are places that are unpleasant (I see you, laundry), and then there are neutral places like a window sill that maybe gets good light but not great and isn't too shady. It’s just a neutral spot in your home.

Now please take that coin or hair tie or whatever, hold it close to your chest, and allow yourself to feel the intensity of that annoying situation as much as you can, and as you do so, place all of the feelings inside the object. Now that the object has been filled, place it on the window sill.

Now I want you to think of a situation around this time of year that fills you to the brim with gratitude or joy. And find another neutral object in your home that you will infuse with this feeling - maybe a pencil or tube of chapstick, nothing with a story. Hold it tightly and close, close, close, infusing it with all the good feelings this situation gives you. And when you are done place it on the windowsill next to the other one, just side by side they dont need to be touching.

Now take a step back.

What do you see? Well, two objects, right? Neither the hair tie nor the tube of chapstick has meaning when they are sitting there on the windowsill. They just are. One is not better than the other. One is not louder nor more vital to your world. But here’s the thing - the intensity you feel if you pick them up is similar. Studies show that stress and excitement exist in the same chemical makeup within the body in fact. However, it’s the story that we attach to the hair tie that makes it feel like suffering or anxiety, while the chapstick feels more like anticipation. 

OK, you can leave the items there on the shelf and come back to reality. They will be fine - in fact, as you walk away and come back to reality, you may notice that the anxiety you felt around the hair tie is actually more manageable now. You know where it is but you put it down for now.

This exercise does not mean you should cling to your over-commitments this season — if anything you should weed some out while it’s still early. But instead of talking about saying No this season (let’s save that for another week) we are going to talk about Benefit Finding today – and also how our relationship to stress either makes situations more manageable or just plain chaotic. I hope that this blog makes it clear that being positive all the time is not the ultimate goal. My overall well-being and yours is the goal - not blind optimism.

So if you’re unhappy or feel like your wellness journey has been put on the back burner — or left behind in childless life — you’re in the right place. Burning out is something that happens to us all and these days it happens even faster than before BECAUSE of the perfect parenting messages we receive and our surrounded by on the daily.

I ALREADY KNOW YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT.

You’re here reading this after all. I just think (myself included) that we forget to look at all the good things we do every day because the “bad” is so heavy and LOUD. When we hurt our kids it feels awful - like so, so bad. When we are tired we get triggered, if we carry uninvestigated emotional baggage or trauma it comes out, and if we are burned out we are not able to parent the way we want. But you aren’t all bad - you are a loving and kind parent whose intentions are good – you have both hair ties and you have chapsticks on your windowsill — and because of that truth I also know there are a million things you are doing right each day. Using a daily gratitude scan to notice the good we are fighting the autopilot to mom-shame or self-doubt.

When we are living through difficult circumstances like the ongoing stress we felt throughout the pandemic, if we can notice both our suffering and the silver lining of our circumstances and hold them as equally important we provide our brains the opportunity to grow what are called “benefit finding” muscles that support our overall resiliency. 

What is Benefit-Finding? The first studies on this skill were conducted with children who were in chronic pain due to illness and benefit finding referred to the process of perceiving positive consequences in the face of adversity – finding the silver lining in tough situations even ones that may cause a significant amount of personal suffering. However, most importantly the perception of a “silver lining” with an adverse event was most beneficial when derived with internal motivation and not external triggers. 

From the book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.linked in show notes  says:

“To my ears, benefit finding sounds like the kind of positive thinking that tries to scurry away from the reality of suffering: Let’s look on the bright side so we don’t have to feel the pain or think about the loss.”

However she goes on to say:

“But despite my own allergic reaction, this research doesn't suggest that the most helpful mindset is a Pollyannish insistence on turning everything bad into something good. Rather it’s the ability to notice the good as you cope with things that are difficult. In fact, being able to see both the good and the bad is associated with better long-term outcomes than focusing purely on the upside…Looking for the good in stress helps most when you are also able to realistically acknowledge whatever suffering is also present.”

Tough times are not a good thing - wishing pandemic parenting on you so you can grow is insane and something I would never do. However, learning to accept that the tough times will be part of the whole modern parenting package and STILL see within them the good can help you cope with the feelings of helplessness. When you can see your circumstances as both temporary and also beneficial (even in the smallest way) you can adjust your mindset enough to regain your footing.

So things are both good and not so good - and thats’s O.K. right? We all have our hair ties and our chapsticks and we can put them down and look at them as just what they are - parts of a well-lived life. Share where you are in your journey with me - I would love to know, you can email me at parentdifferently@gmail.com or shoot me a DM on Instagram and I want you to remember that you are already Good AF Mom. - Stef

Is it bad to compare myself to other moms?

Listen to the post as a podcast:

Motherhood is full of comparisons. In this job with no training, and it just makes sense that look at what others are going through and see how it compares to our own experiences.

This helps us to grow and adjust; humans are social by nature, and it’s perfectly normal to look to other members of your species to see what is acceptable and what is not.

The problem with comparison is not the comparison - it’s what happens afterward. We see a perfectly clean playroom on Instagram, or maybe we visit a friend in real life whose house is always clean — and we immediately think of the piles on the basement floor that equate to a playroom of sorts or mildewy grout in our showers. And then we attach a story that clean is good and dirty or unorganized is terrible. This story takes a basic situation of different priorities and conditions and adds a layer of shame to the entire thing like:

Download the Mantra - I don’t have to be perfect to be me.

• Well, if she can do it, why can’t I?

• She works 40 hours a week like me!

• Or her kids are even younger than mine!

• Or my kids go to daycare, and I still can’t catch up

This blog offers up Parenting with Gratitude as a simple way to shift our parenting mindsets from Bad Mom to GoodAF. When we look at the world from the lens of Bad Mom, everything everyone else does makes us feel inferior. When we shift our mindset to GoodAF, we can look at the world with detached curiosity and wonder. Like - Wow, how does she keep her kids from messing up the pantry? I am going to ask her! Shame is the bully that keeps us from asking this type of question and connecting with the people around us.

THREE MAIN PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT KEEP PARENTS (AND HUMANS!) FROM FEELING GRATITUDE ARE:

EGO

CYNICISM

RESENTMENT/ENVY

And then a million temporary states keep us from feeling gratitude too. Some include:

• Awkwardness

• Indebtedness

• Self-doubt

• Materialism

• even surprise!

I would consider cynicism a form of comparing — but instead of being inferior to someone, you feel superior to them. You look at how they are doing things and judge it as inauthentic, not good enough, or just plain bad parenting.

In whatever shape our comparing comes, it’s still a form of “othering” or separating us from people in our communities - potential friends, other moms!

It becomes an ”I” versus “you” thought spiral. When I compare myself to others, I build a wall brick by brick, separating me from other moms. And brick by brick, I protect myself from the shame of not being good enough. And this is not a bad thing. The wall keeps us safe; it’s a protective mechanism. But it also keeps out connection PLUS all the things I could learn from other moms.

Comparison gets in the way of feeling grateful because your focus is not on enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not rested enough. I’m not compassionate enough or kind enough or patient enough, or silly enough.

Our mind tells us: “I want to be them (whoever they are that look perfect), not me.”

And when we’re looking at the world from that mode, we can’t see ALL the good we have. The positive aspects of gratitude that help us to “broaden and build” our perspective, as Barbara Fredrickson says, become lodged underneath the wall until we can say, “No, I don’t need to be like them. I want to be like me,” and the wall can come down we stay stuck.

Embracing our imperfect natures is the first wave of demolition needed to get unstuck.

This takes acceptance of what is – and what we want. My GoodAF Mom Intention is to be a happy human. I understand that perfection is unattainable, so as long as I make that the goal, I will never reach my ultimate goal of happiness. And so I strive for imperfection, which can be part of the goal and automatically achievable. Try it: “I don’t have to be perfect to be me.”

I am an imperfect parent. I am an imperfect writer. I am an imperfect podcast host. I am an imperfect partner. That’s the truth, it’s my reality, and I am ok with it.

Maybe you ARE cynical of other people’s motives from time to time, or perhaps you admire people but aren’t sure what to do next. Well, I think the first step is always to look for the good in everyone. I think it allows me to see the good in myself. If you’re cynical about the people around you and their motives, it makes it really hard to find the good in your own heart and in the good in your own behavior. And if you are shy or aren’t sure what to do after you notice a difference and don’t want to go to the shame party anymore - then what?

Curiosity is critical here. I want to remain open to the wisdom of my friends, experts in my field, and all the mothers trying their best. So I have to look inside at my suffering, at the superiority or inferiority I carry, to break down the wall that keeps me so separate. I am curious about myself first, then I am curious about them. I ask questions, am open to their wisdom, and learn! Curiosity fosters connection, and that’s what we need most as moms - to feel like we are not alone.

We can also be curious about our pain - why does it hurt so much being different from others and noticing the stories we attach to that pain. Don’t be discouraged if that seems daunting. Its something we can work towards together. It starts with that mantra you can download up there on this page. “ I don’t have to be perfect to be me.” As long as we keep the perfectionist or arrogant stories covering our pain - it’s just that it’s untouchable. It can’t go anywhere if you can’t even touch it.

Let’s be honest, I genuinely feel bad when I go to someone’s house who has the same aged kids as me, and it’s spotless. But suppose I remind myself that adding the additional story of shame to that pain separates me from my need for connection. In that case, I can soften a bit and allow for a bit more perspective - maybe they pay a cleaning crew once a week, and I choose to use that money for a massage. Perhaps they have a partner who doesn’t travel, or they eat takeout every night. Maybe they are never home because they are at soccer and piano, or the kids are only allowed to play outside on the weekends - who knows? I do know that these are the things that actually connect us once the wall is no longer there.

It’s when we look outside ourselves for affirmation or confirmation that’s when we get into trouble.

Look around - if you are closing yourself off from your world with those pesky walls, offer yourself grace. They were constructed to keep you safe, it was a simple way to provide a little self-care, but it’s not serving you now. Let’s release the floodgates. Allow positive emotions like curiosity, inspiration, gratitude, and joy to send those walls crashing down. We are not different than anyone else or better or worse.

We all have pain.

We all have kids who test our growth and our sanity. We all have our baggage and stories that turn that pain into suffering – and yes, that all makes us unique in our journeys – but it’s also what makes us all equal. It allows us to talk and connect and skip the comparison game. And so I hope you start by remembering how much we all have in common and that without you, we wouldn’t be the incredible community that we are - and that’s because you are a Good AF Mom. - Stef

---

More articles on Mindset:

Gratitude feels too Awkward...

Listen to this post as a podcast:

Three main personality traits that keep parents (and humans!) from feeling gratitude are:

• Ego

• Cynicism

• Resentment

Sure, sometimes you’re just not grateful. Let’s be honest, we have all been on the receiving end of a gift we weren’t totally excited about. Maybe one that is a little bit ridiculous, like a complicated puzzle for a 2-year-old, but we want to be nice, so we fawn gratefulness - but are we grateful? Probably not. This inauthentic response is natural and comes from a good place – a place of compassion! And if we feel into it enough, sure, we can get to gratitude – after all, it's the thought that counts. 

In those moments, we may not benefit from the well-being boost gratitude typically offers because the feeling of gratitude is most beneficial when it is felt most intensely. It is then downloaded into our operating systems with a deep level of truth, enough to motivate us to shift perspectives, exercise, connect with other humans and feel more confident and less of a mess.

But if we want to feel these things, it’s got to feel real for it to stick.

Inauthenticity is an obstacle to gratitude. But it's not permanent – we can bounce in and out of this fleeting feeling or what scientists would classify as a state. You are not an inauthentic person for being outwardly grateful but inwardly not. It’s just a moment in time. 

What is a State? Well, a state is a more temporary feeling, and its counterpart, which scientists call a trait, is more of a baked-in mode of being in the world. So you can be afraid of something (a state) or fearful, always worried or on edge (a trait). You can be shy in a new situation but warm up over time (a state), or you can be extremely introverted and never able to warm up (A trait).

Gratitude is a tremendous emotion because it isn’t just an emotion. It can be both a state AND a trait. You can be in a state of gratitude or possess the trait of gratitude (don’t worry, its learnable too). I view the Altruistic state of gratitude as a never-ending cycle of good begets good. Gratitude can also broaden and build your perspective to the point where instead of behaving like a fleeting emotion or state, it becomes more of a permanent mindset or trait. But altruistic gratitude is hard because, let’s be honest, it involves other people. 

And the most common barrier to sharing thankfulness with other people is awkwardness. I am sure you feel it too. Every time I ask a mom friend for help, it’s awkward to share just how grateful I am to her because it’s like a LOT, a LOT, and that seems like TOO much to share. I may make her feel weird about helping me in the first place, so I temper my thanks. Do you? Well, come to find out, this is normal! 

In a study named “Under Valuing Gratitude,” Amir Kumar and Nick Epley asked people to write a letter of gratitude to a friend. They then asked them to rate the following:

• how awkward the friend would feel reading it,

• how surprised they would be by the letter, and

• how happy it would make them feel. 

On the whole, they found that people underestimated the effect the letter would have on the receiver, how surprised they would be — AND they overestimated the level of awkwardness the receiver would feel. People loved the letters — they didn't feel awkward about them at all. They were happy to hear the good things they had contributed to another’s life. And it made them feel good to get a letter saying that, in fact much more than what the letter’s authors had predicted.

Whoops, so awkwardness around saying “Thank You” or writing a quick note to a colleague is not as big of a deal as we think it’s going to be — in fact, that belief gets in the way of us realizing just how important our sentiments will be to that person.

After that info, I'm psyching myself up to write my letter, are you? Well, here’s one more motivator. The research on its benefits to your well-being is super strong as well. Some of the longest-lasting effects of gratitude measured have been in the months following the mailing of a gratitude letter to a friend, with people still feeling the effects sometimes as long as 2 months later. (that’s the research of Professor Robert Emmons)

Interestingly, an over-inflated ego typically doesn’t let us forget just how important we are to other people. You need to be humble to be afraid to send your letter. And that’s a good thing! Saying to yourself, “Oh no it won't matter that much to them. They won’t care. It will just be weird.” actually opens you up to more gratitude.

Humility is crucial to a regular practice of gratitude. Researchers behind the study, “Thieves of Thankfulness: Traits that inhibit Gratitude,” report, “Humility fosters thankfulness when one believes that they are superior to others and one has a high sense of entitlement, all benefits from others cease to be gifts; they are simply the goods that others and life owes them.”

So let’s take the advice of the “awkwardness” researchers and start handing out letters and thank you’s. (Yes, thank you cards actually matter, but let your child pick what to say so you can keep that authenticity and intensity alive.) We can model humility and grace in other ways too.

We can model waiting - literally waiting. Have you ever tried waiting for your child without your standard narration? The next time you leave the house, cut your talking to a minimum and simply wait for them. Yes, this can be hard, especially when you know the morning sequence and just how many seconds it will take to go from on time to late, but you are modeling patience so it will be worth it!

We can model saying No. Just because we are wanted and needed everywhere by everyone does not mean we need to say Yes. Why do I know this is a problem for you? Well, it's a problem for most moms. We want to be in three places simultaneously because we want everyone to be happy. Unfortunately, we are teaching our children how to overextend themselves. By modeling saying "No," we demonstrate to our children the boundaries needed for a more curated and intentional life.

Finally, the simplest way to counter entitlement for both ourselves AND our kids is to shift the focus away from what we don't have to what we do have. A daily gratitude practice introduces the language of "enough" into our homes. 

To introduce a family gratitude practice, you must start a practice yourself. Children do learn best through modeling. You can include them in the process, but by showing them, it’s part of your life, you will make it safe and introduce valuable mindset-shifting vocabulary to your homes. Including your kids in your practice could be as simple as asking your children to pick a letter from the alphabet and see how many good things you can list that begin with the letter – or by writing down three things you're grateful for each morning on a wipe-off board in the kitchen. The point is to do it daily and ensure they see you doing it.

Obstacles to gratitude are manageable. We can get there. The awkwardness is a mirage, and your ego is not in charge. We can find ways to take that fleeting emotion and make it a trait to step into an entirely grateful way of being. And when you do, I know the first thing you will discover is that you’re a pretty awesome mom already - in fact, you are Good AF. - Stef

---

Join the 90-Day Gratitude Challenge

➥ Click here ➥

Join the 90-Day Gratitude Challenge ➥ Click here ➥

---

More posts on Gratitude:

Mindful Sleep - with Sleep Consultant Yasmin Johnston

Podcast Guest:

Yasmin Johnston:

pediatric sleep consultant and mom.

Yasmin and I chatted recently on the Podcast about toddler sleep disruptions, what a night doula is, and so much more.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

Your Question for the POdcast

Podcast Question

Our question today was the following:

My almost 4-year-old has developed a bad habit of waking in the middle of the night and coming into my room to ask for water, milk, etc, every night, and I am exhausted. What do I do? Also, should I hire a night doula to get some sleep, and then they can teach him not to get up?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation and Yasmin's advice. First I asked her just what a Night Doula is:

Yasmin: “So a Night Doula, you'd be hiring them on and they're typically not doing the sleep training. They might do some education or helping with setting the boundaries. But they may not have the experience in the formal sleep training when it comes to toddlers. A night doula can be a little bit pricey, especially depending on where you live so there's that to consider. A sleep consultant in this situation would help you with figuring out the different boundaries that work for your family, and doing the formal sleep training. Usually within two to three weeks for one set price you're able to have your child sleeping in their bed all night.”

So if you want to correct the behavior and want to give it a try on your own to start, what should you do?

Yasmin: “The thing that we want to achieve here is to correct this behavior. You know toddlers, they love to push boundaries and so once it's allowed, like you let something happen one time, they think that it's okay to do this every single time and so it's putting that firm boundary in place; “It's time for sleep.” You can do water before they go to bed and say, “Okay this is our last chance for water” or since the child is a little bit older if they don't have issues with going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you can allow them to have a water bottle in their room. Just know that they may be getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and so then you have to think about are they going to require your assistance if they have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? But for milk I usually say, “We don't do milk at night, if you need water you have a water bottle in your bed or on your nightstand.”

Some other takeaways from our conversation:

• Personally, I love to have a list of clear rules for bedtime. Start these early, like when they are a baby, and keep it to 2 or 3 very specific items. My kids had the following rules: Calm body, Quiet Mouth, Stay in your Bed. Say them every night or when you leave the room which could be multiple times a night lol!

• You can also use a nighttime checklist they can consult BEFORE calling you - you can sign up for my free checklist below.

• And finally, and probably the most crucial step to a successful bedtime: Connection.

Yasmin: “The mom has to go to work all day right? So, she's going to work and then when she gets home it's just craziness, getting dinner done, doing this, doing that, and then bedtime — but slowing down and taking 10 minutes of connection time with with your child before bed — especially if you're away from each other all day matters. They're going to need that little bit of connection time: whether it's active play, or sitting down together and reading a book together, or even just having the child pick an activity and you sit there and play along — but without being too inquisitive, without asking your child a million questions. Just saying things like “Oh, I love that you chose the red car, I'm going to choose a red car too” Letting them know that you value their choices and their likes and dislikes and really being fully into them during that play time is enough.”

You can learn more about Mindful Sleep and Yasmin’s offerings on her website mindfulsleepconsulting.com and make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

---

---

More posts on sleep:

How Often Should I Practice Gratitude?

Listen to this blog post as a podcast

Experts like Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman and Dr. Laurie Santos say you can experience a real bump in your overall well-being by adding a repeating gratitude practice to your daily life. And I want you to feel that bump because I know you need it. However, we aren’t going to get there without doing the work.

Sure, writing in a gratitude journal once definitely improves your mood. But it’s like exercise: If you want results, you need to stick with it. You aren’t going to improve your heart health with a week of gym workouts - it’s more likely that an overall lifestyle change of consistent exercise, healthy eating, more water, and fewer determinantal choices will make the difference.

Committing to methods that positive psychologists have proven beneficial means making a lifestyle shift.

It also means trying out things that may or may not work - for me, it was gratitude. For a friend, it was self-compassion.

Look, when I committed to daily exercise, I started with HIIT workouts - and I hated doing them, but as soon as I switched to walking every day, my mood improved, and so did my health. For me, gratitude works - and it may work for you - but you won’t know until you give it an honest try to commit to and start the daily work. 

And the question I usually get next is – is a daily or weekly reflection the most effective? Well, even though I am a proponent of making a daily list of things you are grateful for, I also know that science goes back and forth on this. In that way, it is different than exercise (although we all know the importance of a rest day for our body and stamina).

Some studies show if you save up all your positive emotion work for one day a week, it may have a bigger impact on your mental health than doing it every day. My issue with a weekly practice is I just don’t see us busy moms sticking with a one-day-a-week habit, I can barely remember which day my son has piano - but I brush my teeth every day and even remember deodorant.

In this study, named: Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change – they conclude it’s the intensity of the feeling that is lost if we, as they did, go out and try to do one good thing for other people every day. They found the positive benefits of that act were actually less impactful because it got folded up into all the other kind things we do regularly. But if we were to do like 5 or 6 awesome acts of kindness in one day - well yeah, I would remember that a lot longer, that’s for sure. 

But what this particular study does not consider is something I know well - everyday parenting life.  Even before I had kids of my own, as a professional nanny, it was my job to understand the demands of modern parenting. I know the ebbs and flows of sicknesses, disasters, regressions, and LIFE. Life happens with kids.

And that’s the main reason I stand by a daily practice as the most impactful way to practice gratitude for parents because the real secret is…I know you're not gonna do it every day – I just know it. Catastrophes happen every other day - and the gratitude list will be the first thing to go. I know it because it happens to me too. 

And so I’m going to stick to this “every day” thing here because I want you to experience the cognitive changes that really do happen if, in reality, you only end up practicing 2 or 3 days as a result of our hectics lives. THAT’S A WIN in my book.

The other reason I think daily practice is doable is that I believe we have more to be grateful for than people without kids. Is that going to get me in trouble? Probably, but we are keeping small humans alive here - small humans and sometimes multiple humans at once! 

The way I define gratitude changed when I had kids. I am not talking about your average “Thank You” card here. I believe that when you become a parent, gratitude just hits differently.  And so we are talking about what I call: Parental Gratitude.  

My definition goes beyond the altruistic acts of traditional gratitude. I think it is more intangible than that, more closely related to what some researchers call Existential Gratitude - like the deep gratitude we feel just to be alive. In 2019, Dutch researchers Lillian Jans Beken and Paul T.P Wong found that existential gratitude is distinct from the more general dispositional gratitude. Look, I use them both, to be honest, when I make a list, but if you are looking for a high level of intensity, the gratitude I feel surrounding my children is the one. For me, parental gratitude is as easy as finding something to be grateful for when you go for a walk. And so, based on this, can you make a list of 5 to 10 things each day with the intensity needed to really feel them and have them stay? I think so. And if you can’t do 10, do 4 super deeply.

And finally, the last reason I strongly encourage you to practice daily is the value you will get from pushing through the more challenging days to do it.

“There will be days when you feel like doing anything other than finding reasons to be grateful, but pushing through these days will empower you and help you build the strength and resilience necessary to push through other challenges.” - says JASON MARSH, the executive director of The Greater Good Science Center at Cal Berkeley

And so, I have a few gratitude practice options for you:

1. You can do the 3:33 pm Alarm - click here for more on that one. 

2. You can choose a weekly Gratitude Day where you journal or choose a gratitude practice that you engage intensely with throughout the day, and you do it every week.

3. Or finally, if you want to give the daily habit a try, you can Habit Stack - this means finding another habit you are already committed to, like brushing your teeth, skincare, drinking that afternoon cup of coffee, and adding your gratitude list to that time. “Every day when I have a second cup of coffee I will list 4 things I am grateful for.”

Finally – take breaks from your gratitude routine if you feel like the effects are not as strong or you are not feeling your thankfulness intensely as you had in the past. 

I have had this happen numerous times over the past 4 years. I simply take a break for a month or two, and when I begin to feel like something is off again, I remember to pick it back up. As my favorite gratitude researcher Professor Emmons says: “We adapt to positive events quickly, especially if we constantly focus on them,” “It seems counterintuitive, but it is how the mind works.”

So not that you need it, you have my permission to take a few days off, and don’t get discouraged! This isn’t everyone’s stepping stone to a more mindful parenting experience, but it is for some, and I hope you give it a solid try before moving on to something else. And remember, you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef

---

Other posts on Gratitude: