Faith to Parent Differently (2.0)
Last week, my brother sent me a text message, it said:
Did you know that trauma gets baked into three generations of DNA?
And I said:
Oh, gosh, where does it begin, though? And where does it end?
Right?
Here’s the other side of that statement - the ripple effect of “where does it start or stop?” can cause a lot of anxiety when you're parenting, the next generation.
And so I had to take myself out of that for a minute, I had to say, no, no, it stops with me. It doesn't really matter how many generations it may take - I don't care, it stops with me.
This is my commitment to parenting differently.
My intention to break the cycle of trauma, to be the change, makes all the difference. I think everyone has the ability to make a conscious choice to do things a bit differently than maybe the generation before.
For me, the action this choice demands really boils comes down to maintaining a positive mindset. When I wake up in the morning, am I committed to parenting differently? And if I am, then that is enough.
Of course, you can’t see it happening - the change - it takes faith to believe that intention is really enough. My choices every day, my effort every day, it's enough — because that intention is it inspires me to action. And every day, even if I mess up 300 times, I know that the 200 times that I did something really great those are the actions that are going to make a difference.
And generational change doesn't happen overnight.
It's not going to be something that I can say, “Oh, wow, there it is. My kid magically knows how to come to me when they're feeling upset instead of going and hiding alone” — right? It doesn't happen instantly like that. But it does happen over time.
And you have to believe that in order to keep going, right? We all do. We also need to have faith in the goodness of our hearts, and the goodness of the hearts of the people that we care for. And we have to have faith that we can do it.
The way that I do it is I make sure that when I wake up and I make that commitment to parenting differently, to ensure I'm meeting my own needs first. And that does mean that I've had to get up earlier and earlier over the years. But for me, my biggest “need” is alone time - it’s incredibly nourishing for me because I grew up the oldest, in a chaotic family of five kids. I never had time alone. Now I make sure that I get up every morning and I find time to be alone. I meditate. I do my gratitude journaling — I write down 10 things every morning I'm grateful for and I reorient my mindset.
And the rest really boils down to believing that my inner goodness and my inner love is enough for these kids. And that even when I mess up, saying sorry is enough, and even when they mess up, letting them be okay with messing too.
And it really does boil down to having a deep, deep commitment to faith.