Finding the Energy: Balance Amidst the Chaos

You know that feeling when you have SO much to do and NO energy to do it?

Or that rare feeling like: “Wow, I finally feel energized but have no idea where to start!?”

Mismatched moments like these make us feel unbalanced, stressed and overwhelmed.

And we when we have an inbalance in our lives we generally feel off. Look at the “Invisible Load” of motherhood — it doesn’t feel good like: “Wow! I’m a great Mom for doing all these things” (even though it should) because of how imbalanced the load is. This feeling of “too much to do and too little time to do it” is an emotional state that brings up negative emotions like shame (I should be able to do it all) and anxiety (how will I do it all and its neverending) and withdrawal (there is so much to do I am not going to do anything at all).

Somatic Mindfulness is a simple way of purposefully focusing our attention to discover our emotional state without getting into the emotions of it all — and then matching that energy level to an equally demanding task.

The skill at the root of somatic mindfulness is noticing.

Yep, just paying attention. Now that feels doable doesn’t it? And we can break it down to something even more simple. Like a sort of somatic self-care - or paying attention to the state of our body. How our body feels can be an basic gateway to a broader awareness of our state — or how we feel emotionally, physically and mentally in the moment. Directing our attention to rest on our body is the “somatic” peice. It takes thinking out of the equation and only focuses on sensations in the body. It takes a little practice because our bodies throw up road blocks, in simalar ways that our minds distract us with planning and examining when we self-reflect. Just keep that in mind!

Let’s use an example of filling the dishwasher after dinner. While on the surface this may seem like a simple task, but after the juggernaut that is cooking dinner for a household of small hangry people who don’t really enjoy your cooking, you’re exhausted. Your energy level is low. However your partner is working late and the dishes have to get done, so you put a movie on for the kids, and dig in.

The sink is full, you will probably have to run the machine in the AM again just to catch up. As you start to load the dishes your youngest comes in complaining about her brother sitting in her couch seat, so you stop to deal with the argument. (Wet hands and all.) You’re running out of patience and the overwhelming emotions you usually have a handle on are starting to come to the surface…not your best work with the kids - but you’re back to the dishes. Trying to be fast, you break a plate on the way to putting it in the dishwasher. This is the last straw. And you begin to cry. It’s just too much. What should you do now?

This is where somatic mindfulness can step in. Noticing the state of your body is less cognitively taxing than stopping and examining why you are crying - that’s way more complex and takes a lot more time and energy. Could you just for a moment shut off the water, and stand there among the broken chards of ceramic and feel into your body? When you do this it will almost feel like gift, the gift of attention. A simple example of a somatic exercise is a body scan but you don’t even need to do that in this situation. Just stop, breath and feel. What does it feel like in your chest, your arms, your face, behind your eyes? How are you holding your hands?

This curious looking requires that you drop any opinions. Nothing that your body is doing is right or wrong - it just is.

This is mindfulness in action - the looking around without judgement. Now once you have taken the moment, go ahead and sweep up the broken plate pieces. Check on the kids and then it’s time to take a moment to relfect. What is your body telling you? Is this the right time to be taking on this task? How much energy does your body have to offer? How much energy does the task demand? (Keep in mind you are also parenting at the same time.) If you body is tight and your heart rate elevated this may be a sign that you need a reset - a break mama - and how long that break will be depends on how tight and stressed your body is and how much energy the task you want to finish requires. It may not be a break that you need either, it could mean a lot of things like you need to put music on or laugh a little. You will build up your toolkit over time as you learn more about what works for you.

When we do this consistently we get to know the cues our bodies provide us at every stage of our routine (including before we break the plate). Maybe tonight was a night where you needed to sit on the couch with the kids for 10 minutes in between the dinner chaos and the clean up one. Or maybe if you checked in with your body and you found your energy levels were still pretty good, maybe tonight was the night that you could handle teaching your oldest to help you load the dishwasher.

Practicing mindfulness is not only about noticing our habitual thought patterns or emotional reactions. It is also noticing our somatic state or what messages our bodies are trying to share. And noticing them with kindness and compassion will lead to us to our next steps no matter the state we are in. With this knowledge we can balance our tasks with the energy we have available to us and even maybe get more done - whether that’s the dishes or self-care.

No matter where you find your balance, don’t ever forget you are a GoodAF mom. - Stef

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How Can I Grow as Mother?

A fresh take on motherhood can follow these steps: reflecting, remembering, and reorientating, which can lead to new growth.

• Reflecting on what you need.

• Remembering the statistics of being a human.

• Reorientating our mindsets to focus on what we can control.

Reflecting on what you need (i.e. what is working, and what is not).

Do you have enough time to reflect at all? Are you resting enough? What are you loving about your days? These are the areas that need checking from time to time. I believe that the simplest form of self-care is self-reflection and no amount of “me time” is going to cut it if I also don’t look inside and listen to the messages contained within.

For most of us, scheduling time for rest and reflection is actually at the very wrong end of our to-do list. It’s a thing that we try to squeeze in here and there on weekends and vacations. And when we do that, it’s giving the message to our brains that it doesn't matter that much to us - it’s an extra. Instead, the message our brains receive is the things we choose to do every day before we rest are actually what’s most important.

Remembering the statistics of being a human…at all.

Have you heard of Gary Vaynerchuk? He’s a marketing guy turned motivational speaker. I have been following Gary Vee since 2008, and I read his book called Crush It because I wanted to learn how to navigate the growing social media world and get it in front of more moms. 

He has this thing he says about being alive - that is straight existential gratitude in action and something I think we need to think about when turning over a new leaf.

He says:
“400 trillion to 1, those are the odds of becoming a human being. You are more likely to win the lotto 10 times in your life, then actually having a life… So no more dwelling, no more complaining, right now, wrap your head around this ridiculous gift you were given, it’s called life.”

I think about this a lot when I am feeling low, and even though gratitude has a way of putting everything into perspective, sometimes I need a dose of the strong stuff, existential gratitude – and it never fails to stop me and shake me out of my “not good enough” trance. We are lucky to be here at all, let’s start there and hold ourselves accountable to this one special life. 

Of course, that also feels like a lot of pressure too. So let’s break that down. It’s not about valuing your life as sacred and being so careful with it you dont make mistakes. For me this mind-opening exercise is about reminding myself to notice life, to allow myself the opportunities to feel emotions deeply instead of avoid them, and to stop placing blame on other people for what may be going wrong.

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Reorientating our mindsets to focus on what we can control (and not on what we can not).

The average adult makes 35000 decisions a day according to research, and delegating can be important to lightening this load but what you are really doing when you delegate is simplifying your decision-making throughout your day. When you no longer have to decide whether to do laundry before you head off to work or when you get home your world gets a little lighter - and clearer!

We can do this by establishing more rigid routines and cutting stupid decisions and power struggles from our lives - like if he wants to wear his PJs to target let him. Another option is to habit stack tasks, so when you fold the clothes, put the ones for tomorrow on top of the dresser as you put the others away so that you don’t have to think about what to wear for at least one or two days a week. 

You can make your car a no-decision zone too - keep water, snacks, diapers, and wipes in your center console, have a separate pair of sunglasses that live in there versus the ones you constantly lose in the house, and keep a sweatshirt or two for the park as well.

Basically “Type A Mom” is the s#%t out of your life. And that sounds like a nightmare - don’t do it. Find another way to limit your daily decisions instead. Fewer choices mean faster decisions and a happier life Mama.

Finally, when we chose gratitude each day, we choose to focus on the positive over the negative in our lives. No this does not mean the negative will go away, in fact, it will still be there but we can choose to focus our mental energy on the good in our lives which ofter goes overlooked because the negative is so loud or heavy. And I hope that you start by reminding yourself you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef

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New Year, Same Me

I know it’s February but I still feel the energy of a new year personally so 2023 here we come! New Year, Same Me! And yes this year I am saying – New Year, Same Me – because it goes directly against the grain of New Year, New Me.

Why would I want a new me? 

I mean, in the past, I have been like: I’m sick of you and ready for a fresh start sure.

But the desire for a new self happens because we are unhappy. It could be with a specific part of our lives, like our parenting or maybe it’s a general malaise we feel around something not feeling quite right with our lives, like a nagging feeling of unfulfillment. Either way, we automatically think that with a new year in sight, now's a good time to fix or change ourselves to make it all better. 

This is a fixing mindset - the same one that makes us think that we need to improve or change ourselves in some way to feel better about our children’s behavior or the chaotic state of our house or our moodiness – but that is just not the case. In fact, everything we need to be happy is already inside us.

What gets in the way is mindset or the lens through which we view our lives and the world. Mindset is not 100% under our influence, our survival instincts, societal pressures, upbringing, and cultural backgrounds all significantly influence our mindset. But our mindset is not totally fixed or stuck either - you can easily experience this flexibility during a busy week where one moment you think that your work is crap or your house is full and cluttered - and then the next day you can look at it with joy and gratitude instead. 

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Learning how to nurture a more positive, compassionate mindset is our task. And something that can certainly contribute to our long-term well-being (and improve our relationships with our kids).

Just like our mindset is not totally fixed. 

Who we are, is different from who we identify to be. 

I will say that again.

Who we are, is different from who we identify to be.

Sure I am a “Type A Mom” who keeps the trains running on time. I use morning and afterschool checklists to keep my kids accountable, and my work day is planned down to the minute. I find a great deal of identity within the label of Type A Mom, just like you may identify as a Hot Mess Mom or a PTA Mom or a Chill Mom – and you have even learned to take pride in it too. 

But who you are is different from who you identify, or label yourself, to be.

Say you were to ask your friends to name a few adjectives to describe you - what would they say? Hot mess mom? Chill Mom? I don’t know if they would start with those labels per se… I did this exercise once and my bestie actually said things I would have never guessed like loyal and that I was a good hugger. And that I was giving too. These things I would have never thought of at first as ways to describe myself.

I don't identify myself as a good hugger. I don't particularly hug people all that often to be honest, but if I stop to check in with myself I can feel how much being a good hugger matters to me. It means that I am a loving and kind friend, one who is ok with being vulnerable and open enough to share a good and lengthy hug with.  

That’s who I am for sure. 

Who you are is different from who you identify as. And of course, you can be both – no one’s saying Type A Moms can’t be good huggers - I just overlook parts of myself when during reflection I go right to my identity label. At the beginning of the year, saying New Year, Same Me will help you stay open to new ideas of who you are right now without having to change a thing - and that’s a pretty awesome way to start a year I would think. And no, it doesn't mean staying stuck in old ways of thinking - in fact, it's just the opposite. 

I think we need to focus our gratitude practice on becoming grateful for who we are, not who we need to become  - because we are already whole, we just don’t see it all. We don’t see the things that our friends see - the who of who we are. 

I hope you ask a friend to tell you a few things that make you, you. And celebrate them because nothing can stand in the way of your happiness in 2023 when you look inside and discover the resources you already possess – and remember you are a Good AF Mom. - Stef

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Burnout and the Benefits of Gratitude

Understanding Burnout: It's More Than Just Exhaustion

Did you know that burnout is not a medical diagnosis, (I’ll remind you that I am not a doctor; I’m just a mom and a professional nanny who has both experienced burnout in its many forms and also watched, helped, and supported moms who have reached their own done, done, done moments).

Psychological and Physiological Aspects of Burnout Explained

According to psychologists, Burnout is actually a physiological and psychological state we can reach when the following things go off the rails: Sleep, Healthy Choices (whatever that means to you), Resources, and Support. A ‘state’ means it’s temporary - which is a good thing, right? That’s our first step out of the tunnel. Perspective to see that even though everything is a mess and so heavy and demanding, it is temporary.

The Power of Gratitude in Combating Burnout

Another thing that can help is gratitude. In fact, David W. Chan, who is a psychology professor at the University of Hong Kong, has done numerous burnout studies specifically with teachers and he has this to say, “the burnout components (emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and a reduced sense of personal accomplishment) are diametrically opposite views of the good life (pleasant, engaged, and meaningful life), suggesting promoting the good life or well-being could be an effective positive approach to combating burnout.” He believes that interventions based on forgiveness and gratitude are a positive approach to combatting burnout.

Self-Care Strategies for Overcoming Burnout

So how can we use the benefits of gratitude to combat burnout? Well, the first thing I would say is, if you really feel like total crap, go outside. If you can’t, then put on your favorite music or go for a drive. Basically, create a scenario where even with your toddler in tow, your mood is boosted by your environment. This takes the pressure off you having to do “something” when you are already overwhelmed – you can take a drive and look out the window and give yourself something to look at or feel that inspires gratitude. 

When we are burned out, many things happen - we no longer look to others for social support, and we think everything is terrible, our mothering, our house, our job. It may even feel like we get small and tight. We also stop caring for ourselves. All of this is normal. It’s our bodies coping mechanisms at work. 

So after your walk or drive, I would suggest trying one personal care item - a nap, a shower, or a meal. Nourish yourself and meet some of your basic needs. When we are burned out, sometimes it's because we have chosen our children’s needs and happiness over our own for too long - choosing yourself is not selfish. Meeting your own basic needs for sleep, sustenance, exercise, and hygiene sets an excellent example for your children, and it also offers an opportunity to teach the language of boundaries to our children. 

Now if you can’t do that, OK, when I feel burned out, I don’t feel like I have time for anything - and that ‘anything’ is everything. There is so much to do and so much demanded of me all at once. I am overwhelmed. “Overwhelm” is a powerful emotion and is always coupled with burnout, in my personal opinion.

The Scarcity Trap: How it Impacts Your Well-being

Overwhelm is typically based on a scarcity mindset. A scarcity mindset is one of “not enough” - not enough time, patience, money, and support - you get it. Let’s remember that our culture teaches the scarcity mindset. We have to be in constant motion if we want to be successful. We have to take advantage of every moment of downtime or multi-task because we are moms, and that’s what we do. 

I like to use the analogy of a pie. The mom pie. My pie is made up of the pie shell or all the things you can see (cultural and role-based demands) and the filling or the things no one can see (the invisible load and my mental health) what it’s made of changes from season to season - sometimes filled with sweet and delicious summer fruits, a very demanding season! Or hearty holiday meat filling, nutritious, and just as chaotic!  Now if I took the time to rest, that's a bunch of pie getting eaten up and its hard not to see that if I rested it would mean I would have to say “No” to something else in the future because no matter what my pie is made of there’s only so much of it to go around. 

When I’m out, I’m out. Sometimes I run out of time, and others I run out of patience, but either way, there’s rarely enough for me to get a little taste. Laundry, organized fridges, holiday decorations, and even teaching certain skills, are based on cultural expectations that I call pie eaters. We are told we can do anything and everything as parents but then also told we have our limits and things need to go a certain way in order for us to check the “parenting win” box. And these pie eaters don’t just come from our own childhood and the way we were parented but also from the systems around us. They keep us from never fully realizing that we have enough pie for ourselves too - that in fact, the pie is infinite and never runs out, that there is always enough. Instead, there’s never enough and look at how fast it goes - all totally and utterly out of our control. 

But to be honest, on the days I choose to rest or play with my children instead of doing laundry, I get just as much done. And my relationship with the items that don’t get finished is very different. I discover a relaxed approach - one of equanimity - and look at the unfinished to-do list without feeling like a failure because I got a taste of the pie that day; I was a great parent; I made a puzzle with my son, and he told that silly story, and that makes it all worth it. So after you go for a walk or a drive or listen to some music - my suggestion would be to write your gratitude list because like I always say - you are not noticing all the good around you and all the great mom-ing you are doing too.

Escaping the Scarcity Mindset: Embracing Abundance and Balance

A scarcity mindset can be a good thing - think about all the essays you wrote in school that would still be languishing half-completed if you hadn’t had a deadline. Or the way we have learned to conserve our resources as climate change has demanded us to become more mindful. Scarcity can also orientate your mind solely on the present moment, “How can I make it through Thursday with what we have left in the bank” or “Do I have enough formula to get through the night?” It helps us to hone in on what’s important or the most pressing need in the moment - to prioritize. 

What a scarcity mindset also does is activate the Inner Critic, that voice that is only concerned with the survival of the species and less with how you feel in your one and only lifetime. It tells you that a clean kitchen is more important than connecting with your child, and it reminds you of the last time you were late with the water bill and how your partner was like what the fuck. These alarm bells are valid and are for your own protection. They can keep you afloat and safe but will also definitely impact your daily experiences and well-being.

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A scarcity mindset also blocks your wisdom or that voice inside you that helps you to see the big picture. Living inside of what many call the “Scarcity Trap,” your brain no longer offers you the options that you may actually have at your disposal. Your innate creativity becomes a dead weight that is shed at the first opportunity so that your brain can solely focus on coping, like how to pay the rent or even how you are going to find an ounce of alone time in this crazy neverending parenting life you are living. 

Limiting your perspective is one of scarcity’s most problematic effects. In fact Havard behavorial economists, Sendhill Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir argue that the Scarcity Trap creates a mindset that rarely considers our long-term best interests and therefore blocks you from your GoodAF Mom Intention.

“To put it bluntly,” says Mullainathan, “if I made you poor tomorrow, you’d probably start behaving in many of the same ways we associate with poor people.” And just like many people who live at or below poverty, he adds, you’d likely get stuck and stay stuck in the scarcity trap.

Gratitude as a Path to Overcoming Burnout

So you see how gratitude could help here. When we are burned out, we immediately go to a place of scarcity - it's natural, we feel overwhelmed and under-cared for, and of course, we have Mom Guilt when we can’t meet our children’s needs in the best most perfect way because we are exhausted. 

But when we blame ourselves for where we are or for our struggles to make ends meet or even to complete assignments at work – we forget the systematic machine telling parents (mainly women) they need to be all things to all people all the time. And the same goes with asking for help with the mental load - we have to do the heavy lifting of making a list or having a tough conversation with our partner when we know we are not going to be at our best. 

Choosing Presence Over Perfection: Embracing Imperfections in Motherhood

If you look within without blaming, I bet you will see that you don’t want a perfect house or perfect life, you want to show up for your kids as your whole self, not some shell of a mom and woman. When I realized that one of my most significant stressors was the Perfect Mom mindset I carried around, I also knew that I didn't want that for my kids or me. My scarcity mindset over perfecting my children’s fleeting childhoods quickly disappeared. I didn’t have to be a good mother every second to be a good mother. I love them each day, and that’s enough. I do my best, and that’s enough - I do not have to be anxious about making each day perfect as if it’s the only day we have with each other.

Mixing in a daily practice of gratitude shifts our mindset from treading water to reflection and awareness. You can thank yourself for choosing to play with your kids instead of cleaning; you can be grateful for finding a moment of ease and peace on an otherwise busy day. You may regret taking 10 minutes to draw or play a card game with your child when you sit back down to fold laundry after putting them to bed, but when you wake up the next day, I bet you will be thankful for that time with them. You will feel full.

The Role of Gratitude in Cultivating Positive Emotions and Healing

Positive emotions like gratitude, joy, and delight are not extras. They are not what we should feel once we start working. Soft skills like these are not soft; they are the bedrock of our motherhood. Without them, our healing work would be incomplete (and intolerable). Using gratitude to bring a level of detached acceptance to a situation opens up just enough room, even in the state of burnout, to let down our guard with the ones we love and let in a little giggle or two. Because you have so much Mama - so so much, and once you look around, I know that you will discover you are GoodAF - Stef

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Being Grateful for What Sucks

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You are not broken Mama, and you don’t need fixing.

Ok, so I am not the only person that has said this to you before, huh? I am sure that you have seen it on Instagram or Pinterest in a cute graphic, but what does “you don’t need fixing” really mean?

Well, when you are in a “fixing” mindset, everything needs to be fixed; things need a hard look and need to be rearranged or changed in some way. So if you’re sad - you need to be not sad; if your sink is full of dishes, that s#$% needs to change.

And if you identify as a woman, this is a story that you have been told since you were born. You’re too loud, you’re not polite enough, your dress is too short, and you're broken in so many ways you never knew you were - you thought you were whole, but the world told you, you were not.

And, of course, as mothers, we are told a new set of things that we are not doing well. And it makes us anxious and keeps us busy constantly fixing.  And as a community, we are not feeling ourselves anymore. We are tired AF and fed up.

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And it’s true its not just our psyches telling us to shape up, everywhere we turn, someone is offering to FIX us and make it all better – You are parenting TOO much! and working TOO hard! and not caring for yourselves ENOUGH! OMG would you REST! But all we want is to make it through another day, eager to slip off quietly into the solitary peace of the post-bedtime routine scroll until we pass the F out.

I call this the Modern Parenting Set Up.

Needless to say, our negative leaning mindsets are not totally our fault. And the worst part of that is our brains are wired to stay vigilant to survive, so we avoid failure, and we take our mistakes very, very seriously - some would say too seriously based on our advanced environments and the relative safety our communities provide, there isn’t a tiger in every bush anymore.

So yes, we need reminding that we are not broken. We are GoodAF moms living in a messy and still evolving world. And fixing ourselves to make it all better isn’t necessarily the key. What actually needs to happen is we need to teach ourselves to look through a new lens - one that sees the world for what it is without the judging and survival instincts we carry around. 

Let's use an example: Say you walk into your toddler's room, and their room is a disaster, like toys are just like — everywhere. And immediately, obviously, you're overwhelmed. But then the next thing that comes through is: Wow, I am raising a lazy and entitled child, and I'm doing a horrible job. 

Now, back up, and go back into the room and try to lose the fixing mindset. Bring a curious, non-judgmental view instead: Wow, there are toys on the ground. Okay, what are toys for? to be played with. And without trying to fix the situation, we can see that what is happening in this room is actually a well-lived toddler life. This is a good childhood. We get to a place of wow, I'm a really good parent because I've provided the things that my child needs. And they're playing with them.  And they're growing and learning and developing as a human. And that's amazing. 

Looking around our house at the places where society has told us to think one way and actually put down the fixing mindset and look at it as what it is:

• Wow, that's a sink full of dishes and a messy kitchen floor OR Wow, That's a well-fed family. 

• Or Wow, that's a cluttered living room OR Wow, look at all the fantastic memories that room holds. 

• Let’s try another one - Look at all the crap in the garage I will never be able to park there again OR Wow, thats a lot of memories we have made together, and look at all the fun sports and activities we do as a family. 

None of these observations say you have to stop there and leave the toys on the floor or the crap in the garage, it’s about reframing your reaction to the stuff, to your environment that usually sends you directly to a place of overwhelm because it’s all just too much.  But that ‘too much’ Mama - that’s the result of a well-lived life. That’s family life.

There are a lot of people in your house, and they are doing things – they are busy growing and wearing fresh clean clothes and staying healthy with showers and baths and blueberries they drop all over the floor.

Your kids are ok. You are doing an amazing job - and you just have to look around to find the proof of that.  And so ‘stop fixing’ actually can lead to acceptance, which can actually lead to realizing that you're actually a really good parent - in fact, you are Good AF. And yes, the mantra this week is “You are Not Broken. You are perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully whole” download it for free no email required! I hope this mindset shift helps you the coming new year. - Stef

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Gratitude Will Save Your Motherhood

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Gratitude will save your motherhood - it saved mine.

Inside each of these blog posts, I hope you find something that resonates with you and helps you feel like a GoodAF mom - because you are! Maybe it’s gratitude, maybe it’s help with caregiver burnout, or maybe it’s mindfulness, I know you will find what works for you.

No matter the method, I know that checking in with ourselves is the simplest way to start any amount of healing.

So if you are unsure what to do next - I would start with self-reflection. And if you are looking for the next step after that, I would try offering a small piece of self-compassion - like “Wow, that is hard” or “Yeah, that’s unfair.”

But if you are looking for a system or a step-by-step path to follow, day after day, you can give gratitude a try.

I like to call that system parenting with gratitude. Why does gratitude matter to parenting? Well, I have been parenting for 14 years. And in the past 14 years, I have felt Mom Guilt, shame, isolation, resentment, burnout, self-doubt, and the list goes on.

And underneath it all lived another issue - right? It was a self-worth issue. A not-good-enough issue. It was rooted in the idea that I was a bad mom. And that issue clouded over everything I did - it was a mindset.

Every time I walked into a room, I brought that mindset with me - the mess on the floor = somehow my fault, the leaky faucet = should have dealt with it this weekend, the breakfast no one ate = I should have listened to what they wanted. I was looking through a cloud.

But as soon as I deliberately started practicing gratitude, there was no argument that I was a good mom because I started to notice all the good things I did every day. I hadn’t been noticing them –  I was just focused on all the mistakes and failures that I was making. Because of that low self-worth cloud.

Parenting with gratitude is not only about looking at the good and being complacent; it’s about realigning your mindset to focus on the good so that you can clear out all that negative self-worth talk, and you can say, “Ok, I am starting from a place of good parenting. I am a good mom who makes mistakes” and then you can go from there.

Gratitude builds upon itself from one day to the next –That’s why I like it so much. Using a daily system, I notice the effects of my effort more quickly - and when I do, I want to do more!  I want to notice more good things, and I want to do more good things for my kids and for others! I notice that I am a good mom, and I have great kids!!

I hope it works for you too! - Stef

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Building Blocks to Parenting with Gratitude™

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Since the focus is so heavily on gratitude during the month of November, we are going to shift a bit to talk about skills that we can use year-round for parenting with gratitude™. It’s not just during November that you can layer support upon a daily gratitude practice and add some real punch to your self-growth journey.

If you have read my Gratitude Cheatsheet, you know I have a list of habits I try to practice that build upon my intention for a grateful life. That list was made with the blood, sweat, and tears (well, not really blood) of my own trial and error as I figured out just what worked when supporting this new life filled with gratitude. What new skills could I learn during this process that would set me up for success? 

Well, there are many! Let’s read the list again:

• Wake up a bit earlier, nothing crazy, just like 5 minutes earlier. Write down 10 things you are grateful for - this trains your brain away from the negativity bias. (Gratitude)

• Remind yourself your children don’t know your past traumas or the emotional burdens you may carry. (Equanimity)

• Then remind yourself that they are new to this planet. (Empathy)

• Go through your day and observe your children with the same awe and wonder they observe the world. (Joy and Delight)

• Start saying out loud the nice things that are already in your head. (Affirmations)

• Begin noticing when you’re upset and what your expectations are at that moment. (Mindfulness)

• Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. (Compassion)

• Mentally list 3 things you're grateful for as you get into bed. (Courage)

• Remind yourself of one thing that went well during the day. (Self-Reflection)

These steps are some of the ACTION components to our well-being equation - which is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results 

And they are also rooted in positive emotions that take advantage of Barbara Fredrickson's Broaden and Build cycle. And if you want to know more about the magic of the broaden and build cycle listen to Episode 13 of the podcast.
Today I’m excited to dig into three of the ideas that center around our children, and they are:

• Remind yourself that your kids don’t the emotional burdens you carry. 

• Remind yourself that they are new to this planet. 

And 

• Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. 

To do this, we need to talk about Professor Robert Emmons's ARC Model of Gratitude. He says that gratitude does three things as we become more accustomed to its role in our lives. It Amplifies, Rescues, and Connects or ARC. Gratitude amplifies the good in our world. It helps us to see MORE of it all around us and then expect more of it as we live our everyday lives. And over time, that mindset builds and grows. 

Gratitude rescues us from the negative-leaning aspects of our minds. Have you ever felt stuck in a cycle of forgetfulness or laziness? Yep, that’s your mind at work - keeping you safe but also keeping you pretty cramped and grumpy, always looking for the next thing to go wrong. In addition to our mind’s natural tendency towards the negative, we are influenced by our environments where negative news gets more attention and the louder you yell on social or, the more salacious you act, the more ‘likes’ you get.

It’s exhausting! As Professor Emmons says it, gratitude rescues us from the negativity trap, “rescues us from the thieves that derail our opportunity for happiness, and gets us back on track to contentment and inner peace.”

And finally, gratitude connects! Once you are out of that ‘funk’ and you notice all the good around you, even the most challenging relationships may feel like less of a threat to you. In fact without gratitude, our society would crumble. We would not be connected in the ways we are to people that are outside our family unit. But when you look up from your phone and say “Thank You” to your barista an automatic link is formed between you both, and the world is better for it. 

Using the ARC model, we can take a closer look at our relationship with our children. The first system I use is to amplify my gratitude. And I do this with a series of reminders. You can write these down on a post-it and put them in your car or make a reminder that pops up once a week on your phone or you can simply reflect on them from time to time, but again they are: 

• Remind yourself that your kids don’t the emotional burdens you carry. 

• Remind yourself that they are new to this planet. 

Why do these amplify my gratitude? Well, first off, thank goodness that when I snap at my son, the only thing he sees on his end is me snapping - not my Mom Guilt or my Inner Critic telling me to hurry up or do a better job - he doesn’t need that crap it’s bad enough his mom is mad. And when we cut through the drama and simply see it as “snapping” it’s much easier to notice. Noticing when we act out of alignment with our goals is the first step towards what I call the “Juicy Pause,” or allowing for a longer and longer pause BEFORE the actual mistake. Maybe we breathe instead or use a gentle parenting phrase. But there is no pause without first noticing the unwise action – and there is noticing the unwise action when it’s covered up with a story filled with suffering, “You have to be better” - “You need to hurry up, or you will be late” - “You have to finish this report in total silence or it won’t be tight enough for presentation tomorrow.”  You know the scary voices. So reminder #1 - Your kids do not know your emotional burdens.

Reminder #2 - Your kids are new to this planet. Maybe you have a 2-year-old. That means they have been here for 24 months. That’s it. Total. Of course, they are gonna be a mess they literally just learned how to use their limbs. And sometimes they can talk like you but a lot of the time they can’t! My son, who is 10 - he’s new here! Sure he’s been around the block a few times, but he has not experienced nearly as much as I have or his brother, who is 14. He still hasn’t learned to regulate his emotions or sit still for more than a half hour - and that’s fine! I am grateful for the chance to guide him along the way - the empathy from this type of mindset shift helps us to see just how much effort they are putting in each day to grow and just to learn the lingo and the neighborhood. Would you consider someone who moved into your neighborhood three years ago a local? Or maybe they still have a few things to learn that, if asked you would be happy to teach them.

Empathy also rescues you from the ruminations of parenthood, the 100 times you need to tell them to bring their backpacks in from the car or stay away from the dog’s water dish. Remembering their new here can rescue your mind from the negative places it wants to go like impatience and frustration and bring you back to the present where it’s all one big adventure, and you just happen to be the loving tour guide.

So there are the reminders that amplify and rescue, and then there is the nighttime routine which helps to Connect. But here’s the best part especially for those of you in the throws of toddlerhood moodiness…You do it when they are asleep.

Try this for a week: Before you head off to bed for the night, sneak into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. Savor it. They aren’t awake, so they can’t talk back. You want to think about the most positive aspects of your relationship. If you want, you can list three things that you love about them in your head or write them down and leave them as a morning note. 

If you do this for a week, you will feel a deeper connection grow with your child, and sometimes we need this so that we can access the empathy and mindfulness needed to notice.

As James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, famously says, “You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems.” And just like our GoodAF Mom Intention these ideas are not just a “try it once and let it go” activity. I offer them up as routines that you can incorporate into your parenting - they are the building blocks of what I call Parenting with Gratitude™. Just little tweaks you can make to your normal life that over time will have a big impact. We don’t need to wipe the slate clean, only amplify what is already here and true, rescue our minds from habitual thoughts and reactions and connect with the humans around us. So give it a try and I hope you know – You’re a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

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How to Avoid Toxic Positivity while Remaining Grateful

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How can we remain grateful while also staying away from toxic positivity?

We are now in what my family calls ‘The Gauntlet’. The time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s that seems to go by SO Fast. And while it's exciting and fun, it’s also a lot. And I want to talk about that “a lot-ness” and about how we can acknowledge both the overwhelming aspects of a situation while also seeing the good - the silver linings.

When we accept that there are both shitty sides to the season and glorious ones, we can become more in alignment with ourselves, the present moment and our GoodAF Mom Intention.

And to do this you can use a visualization practice:

I want you to identify one SMALL annoyance in your life right now and focus on it. We aren’t gonna do a big issue today – but something that is still a bit stressful like a cookie exchange you committed to or getting matching PJs in time (both of these work for me actually). We are not going to make it go away – but silly enough we are going to make it into a household object - so pick something neutral like a hair tie or a coin got it?

Now think about your house. Some places are pleasant, there are places that are unpleasant (I see you, laundry), and then there are neutral places like a window sill that maybe gets good light but not great and isn't too shady. It’s just a neutral spot in your home.

Now please take that coin or hair tie or whatever, hold it close to your chest, and allow yourself to feel the intensity of that annoying situation as much as you can, and as you do so, place all of the feelings inside the object. Now that the object has been filled, place it on the window sill.

Now I want you to think of a situation around this time of year that fills you to the brim with gratitude or joy. And find another neutral object in your home that you will infuse with this feeling - maybe a pencil or tube of chapstick, nothing with a story. Hold it tightly and close, close, close, infusing it with all the good feelings this situation gives you. And when you are done place it on the windowsill next to the other one, just side by side they dont need to be touching.

Now take a step back.

What do you see? Well, two objects, right? Neither the hair tie nor the tube of chapstick has meaning when they are sitting there on the windowsill. They just are. One is not better than the other. One is not louder nor more vital to your world. But here’s the thing - the intensity you feel if you pick them up is similar. Studies show that stress and excitement exist in the same chemical makeup within the body in fact. However, it’s the story that we attach to the hair tie that makes it feel like suffering or anxiety, while the chapstick feels more like anticipation. 

OK, you can leave the items there on the shelf and come back to reality. They will be fine - in fact, as you walk away and come back to reality, you may notice that the anxiety you felt around the hair tie is actually more manageable now. You know where it is but you put it down for now.

This exercise does not mean you should cling to your over-commitments this season — if anything you should weed some out while it’s still early. But instead of talking about saying No this season (let’s save that for another week) we are going to talk about Benefit Finding today – and also how our relationship to stress either makes situations more manageable or just plain chaotic. I hope that this blog makes it clear that being positive all the time is not the ultimate goal. My overall well-being and yours is the goal - not blind optimism.

So if you’re unhappy or feel like your wellness journey has been put on the back burner — or left behind in childless life — you’re in the right place. Burning out is something that happens to us all and these days it happens even faster than before BECAUSE of the perfect parenting messages we receive and our surrounded by on the daily.

I ALREADY KNOW YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT.

You’re here reading this after all. I just think (myself included) that we forget to look at all the good things we do every day because the “bad” is so heavy and LOUD. When we hurt our kids it feels awful - like so, so bad. When we are tired we get triggered, if we carry uninvestigated emotional baggage or trauma it comes out, and if we are burned out we are not able to parent the way we want. But you aren’t all bad - you are a loving and kind parent whose intentions are good – you have both hair ties and you have chapsticks on your windowsill — and because of that truth I also know there are a million things you are doing right each day. Using a daily gratitude scan to notice the good we are fighting the autopilot to mom-shame or self-doubt.

When we are living through difficult circumstances like the ongoing stress we felt throughout the pandemic, if we can notice both our suffering and the silver lining of our circumstances and hold them as equally important we provide our brains the opportunity to grow what are called “benefit finding” muscles that support our overall resiliency. 

What is Benefit-Finding? The first studies on this skill were conducted with children who were in chronic pain due to illness and benefit finding referred to the process of perceiving positive consequences in the face of adversity – finding the silver lining in tough situations even ones that may cause a significant amount of personal suffering. However, most importantly the perception of a “silver lining” with an adverse event was most beneficial when derived with internal motivation and not external triggers. 

From the book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.linked in show notes  says:

“To my ears, benefit finding sounds like the kind of positive thinking that tries to scurry away from the reality of suffering: Let’s look on the bright side so we don’t have to feel the pain or think about the loss.”

However she goes on to say:

“But despite my own allergic reaction, this research doesn't suggest that the most helpful mindset is a Pollyannish insistence on turning everything bad into something good. Rather it’s the ability to notice the good as you cope with things that are difficult. In fact, being able to see both the good and the bad is associated with better long-term outcomes than focusing purely on the upside…Looking for the good in stress helps most when you are also able to realistically acknowledge whatever suffering is also present.”

Tough times are not a good thing - wishing pandemic parenting on you so you can grow is insane and something I would never do. However, learning to accept that the tough times will be part of the whole modern parenting package and STILL see within them the good can help you cope with the feelings of helplessness. When you can see your circumstances as both temporary and also beneficial (even in the smallest way) you can adjust your mindset enough to regain your footing.

So things are both good and not so good - and thats’s O.K. right? We all have our hair ties and our chapsticks and we can put them down and look at them as just what they are - parts of a well-lived life. Share where you are in your journey with me - I would love to know, you can email me at parentdifferently@gmail.com or shoot me a DM on Instagram and I want you to remember that you are already Good AF Mom. - Stef

Is it bad to compare myself to other moms?

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Motherhood is full of comparisons. In this job with no training, and it just makes sense that look at what others are going through and see how it compares to our own experiences.

This helps us to grow and adjust; humans are social by nature, and it’s perfectly normal to look to other members of your species to see what is acceptable and what is not.

The problem with comparison is not the comparison - it’s what happens afterward. We see a perfectly clean playroom on Instagram, or maybe we visit a friend in real life whose house is always clean — and we immediately think of the piles on the basement floor that equate to a playroom of sorts or mildewy grout in our showers. And then we attach a story that clean is good and dirty or unorganized is terrible. This story takes a basic situation of different priorities and conditions and adds a layer of shame to the entire thing like:

Download the Mantra - I don’t have to be perfect to be me.

• Well, if she can do it, why can’t I?

• She works 40 hours a week like me!

• Or her kids are even younger than mine!

• Or my kids go to daycare, and I still can’t catch up

This blog offers up Parenting with Gratitude as a simple way to shift our parenting mindsets from Bad Mom to GoodAF. When we look at the world from the lens of Bad Mom, everything everyone else does makes us feel inferior. When we shift our mindset to GoodAF, we can look at the world with detached curiosity and wonder. Like - Wow, how does she keep her kids from messing up the pantry? I am going to ask her! Shame is the bully that keeps us from asking this type of question and connecting with the people around us.

THREE MAIN PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT KEEP PARENTS (AND HUMANS!) FROM FEELING GRATITUDE ARE:

EGO

CYNICISM

RESENTMENT/ENVY

And then a million temporary states keep us from feeling gratitude too. Some include:

• Awkwardness

• Indebtedness

• Self-doubt

• Materialism

• even surprise!

I would consider cynicism a form of comparing — but instead of being inferior to someone, you feel superior to them. You look at how they are doing things and judge it as inauthentic, not good enough, or just plain bad parenting.

In whatever shape our comparing comes, it’s still a form of “othering” or separating us from people in our communities - potential friends, other moms!

It becomes an ”I” versus “you” thought spiral. When I compare myself to others, I build a wall brick by brick, separating me from other moms. And brick by brick, I protect myself from the shame of not being good enough. And this is not a bad thing. The wall keeps us safe; it’s a protective mechanism. But it also keeps out connection PLUS all the things I could learn from other moms.

Comparison gets in the way of feeling grateful because your focus is not on enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not rested enough. I’m not compassionate enough or kind enough or patient enough, or silly enough.

Our mind tells us: “I want to be them (whoever they are that look perfect), not me.”

And when we’re looking at the world from that mode, we can’t see ALL the good we have. The positive aspects of gratitude that help us to “broaden and build” our perspective, as Barbara Fredrickson says, become lodged underneath the wall until we can say, “No, I don’t need to be like them. I want to be like me,” and the wall can come down we stay stuck.

Embracing our imperfect natures is the first wave of demolition needed to get unstuck.

This takes acceptance of what is – and what we want. My GoodAF Mom Intention is to be a happy human. I understand that perfection is unattainable, so as long as I make that the goal, I will never reach my ultimate goal of happiness. And so I strive for imperfection, which can be part of the goal and automatically achievable. Try it: “I don’t have to be perfect to be me.”

I am an imperfect parent. I am an imperfect writer. I am an imperfect podcast host. I am an imperfect partner. That’s the truth, it’s my reality, and I am ok with it.

Maybe you ARE cynical of other people’s motives from time to time, or perhaps you admire people but aren’t sure what to do next. Well, I think the first step is always to look for the good in everyone. I think it allows me to see the good in myself. If you’re cynical about the people around you and their motives, it makes it really hard to find the good in your own heart and in the good in your own behavior. And if you are shy or aren’t sure what to do after you notice a difference and don’t want to go to the shame party anymore - then what?

Curiosity is critical here. I want to remain open to the wisdom of my friends, experts in my field, and all the mothers trying their best. So I have to look inside at my suffering, at the superiority or inferiority I carry, to break down the wall that keeps me so separate. I am curious about myself first, then I am curious about them. I ask questions, am open to their wisdom, and learn! Curiosity fosters connection, and that’s what we need most as moms - to feel like we are not alone.

We can also be curious about our pain - why does it hurt so much being different from others and noticing the stories we attach to that pain. Don’t be discouraged if that seems daunting. Its something we can work towards together. It starts with that mantra you can download up there on this page. “ I don’t have to be perfect to be me.” As long as we keep the perfectionist or arrogant stories covering our pain - it’s just that it’s untouchable. It can’t go anywhere if you can’t even touch it.

Let’s be honest, I genuinely feel bad when I go to someone’s house who has the same aged kids as me, and it’s spotless. But suppose I remind myself that adding the additional story of shame to that pain separates me from my need for connection. In that case, I can soften a bit and allow for a bit more perspective - maybe they pay a cleaning crew once a week, and I choose to use that money for a massage. Perhaps they have a partner who doesn’t travel, or they eat takeout every night. Maybe they are never home because they are at soccer and piano, or the kids are only allowed to play outside on the weekends - who knows? I do know that these are the things that actually connect us once the wall is no longer there.

It’s when we look outside ourselves for affirmation or confirmation that’s when we get into trouble.

Look around - if you are closing yourself off from your world with those pesky walls, offer yourself grace. They were constructed to keep you safe, it was a simple way to provide a little self-care, but it’s not serving you now. Let’s release the floodgates. Allow positive emotions like curiosity, inspiration, gratitude, and joy to send those walls crashing down. We are not different than anyone else or better or worse.

We all have pain.

We all have kids who test our growth and our sanity. We all have our baggage and stories that turn that pain into suffering – and yes, that all makes us unique in our journeys – but it’s also what makes us all equal. It allows us to talk and connect and skip the comparison game. And so I hope you start by remembering how much we all have in common and that without you, we wouldn’t be the incredible community that we are - and that’s because you are a Good AF Mom. - Stef

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Yes, you can meditate

Yes, you can meditate — and parent, and work, and sleep, and breathe, and pay the bills....and it’s not called “doing it all”. Self-reflection is simple and free self-care.

I see this a lot in my social feeds: “meditating every day does not solve a working parent’s problems,” and I have to push back. I understand the sentiment of course: our culture doesn’t take care of parents, and that starts first and foremost in the workplace.

But dissing sitting quietly to notice how you feel makes me uncomfortable. Also, I believe referencing “meditation” here doesn’t make any sense - in reality, what we are talking about is taking a moment for self-reflection. That could look like sitting for 5 minutes and focusing on your breath - that could look like walking around the block without a podcast or your phone. Self-reflection CAN help with parents’ problems because it takes the focus off the hectic world we reside in and brings us back to our core, our self, and where we are emotionally.

And so I think this is an apples-to-oranges situation. What they should be saying is that a 5-minute break does not make the stress of modern parenting any better because you still need to endure the demands of a 40-60 hour workweek and no social support from our government.

No amount of Self-reflection will fix our work-obsessed, “pretend you don’t have a family” culture — but it’s not gonna make it any worse either.

How do I know? Well, it starts with the insight of a nine-year-old. One of my sons is a big afterschool talker (either you have an oversharer or a non-sharer, you’ll see). One day last year, he came home and shared that he had a bad stomachache at school, “Mom I was feeling really, really bad, like really bad. So I stopped and took a breath. And it didn’t make me feel better, but it stopped me from feeling worse!”

An adult version of a “stomachache” could be anything: anger, resentment, overwhelm, burnout, or just plain sadness. And we walk around with these aches, not noticing. And when we DO notice, it’s because things get SO bad we have to, and it’s WAY too late. We are burned out and have been stressed for days. We need the skills to notice our stomachaches earlier so we can take the necessary next steps. Instead, what does it take for us to notice? Typically it’s something we can’t ignore: we lose it on our child or our partner, or our body gives out in some way, we push good friends away, we get into a fender bender…

When I had 2 kids under 10 years old, I worked 50-60 hour weeks, traveled, and dealt with start-up hours and investors’ insane demands. One day, I lost all feeling in my left arm - my body had finally had too much. It slammed on the brakes and made me notice how out of alignment my life had become.

In addition to not noticing, we use distraction and indulgence to ignore or withdraw from bad feelings as they try to reveal themselves. Some of us spend too much money online or watch too much TikTok at work — or maybe we drink too much.

Whatever it is — these coping mechanisms keep us from discovering that we have hit our mental health wall and boom! we are in a full-blown Mom Tantrum, and we don’t know how we got there.

I know the people who crap on meditation have hit a mental health wall before — that seems evident from their determination to care for the blights of the working parent. Unfortunately, well-meaning or not, they have got it all wrong. Meditation is not a chance to zone out and “be calm” — and it’s certainly not an escape.

Meditation, or just a simple practice of self-reflection, is the opportunity to train your brain to notice your state - good, bad, or ugly. Your state is just your mood or fleeting emotion you may be experiencing. And once we can notice our state, we can attend to our needs before #$*& hits the fan. We can use this self-reflection technique as simple and accessible self-care. And when we do it leads to more self-care: like a walk outside or chatting with a friend.

I have lived the “Start-Up” life, my husband worked 12-hour days, too, add in that we also were living in one of the most expensive cities in the world, of course, we were exhausted. Until I started to take care of myself, it only felt like it was going to get worse — but as soon as I started taking care of myself, I didn’t get better right away but it stopped getting worse. And I realized that I had choices.

That’s what our “money-as-success” culture takes away from us — choices that come from a broad perspective — and it takes away our curiosity too. We’re just so exhausted and are lulled into the false notion that we have to go to work and be perfect there and go home and be perfect there, too. We forget to question any of it. Perfection does not need to be your truth because it can’t be, you’re a parent, and #&$% happens: your kid gets lice the night before a three-day business trip, or your boss tells you that you need to add another responsibility to your list with no additional pay, or one of your arms becomes unusable and in severe pain (these are all real things that have happened to me!!).

When you are in a state of exhaustion, looking within can feel like a trap, like an unwinnable bargain you will make with the devil - after all what will you find, and does it matter? But it does. Because you matter, and hustle culture keeps you in motion precisely so you WON’T stop and look within. But that’s where all your answers will lie.

So, of course, five or 10 minutes of self-reflection daily will not solve the demands of modern work culture. These two things have nothing to do with one another — yet if you fix one, the other becomes a little more manageable. And you begin to notice what parts of work you like and don’t.

So I would say YES, learn to notice your emotions and moods, and more and more, you will discover all the choices available. How can you do this? Well, you have got to dig yourself out with your own two hands. The government isn’t gonna come save you, and your boss isn’t gonna come save you, and the culture isn’t going to change overnight. The only person that can change overnight is you - and if it were me, I would start with the self-care of a daily moment of reflection. ✌️ - Stef

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Gratitude feels too Awkward...

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Three main personality traits that keep parents (and humans!) from feeling gratitude are:

• Ego

• Cynicism

• Resentment

Sure, sometimes you’re just not grateful. Let’s be honest, we have all been on the receiving end of a gift we weren’t totally excited about. Maybe one that is a little bit ridiculous, like a complicated puzzle for a 2-year-old, but we want to be nice, so we fawn gratefulness - but are we grateful? Probably not. This inauthentic response is natural and comes from a good place – a place of compassion! And if we feel into it enough, sure, we can get to gratitude – after all, it's the thought that counts. 

In those moments, we may not benefit from the well-being boost gratitude typically offers because the feeling of gratitude is most beneficial when it is felt most intensely. It is then downloaded into our operating systems with a deep level of truth, enough to motivate us to shift perspectives, exercise, connect with other humans and feel more confident and less of a mess.

But if we want to feel these things, it’s got to feel real for it to stick.

Inauthenticity is an obstacle to gratitude. But it's not permanent – we can bounce in and out of this fleeting feeling or what scientists would classify as a state. You are not an inauthentic person for being outwardly grateful but inwardly not. It’s just a moment in time. 

What is a State? Well, a state is a more temporary feeling, and its counterpart, which scientists call a trait, is more of a baked-in mode of being in the world. So you can be afraid of something (a state) or fearful, always worried or on edge (a trait). You can be shy in a new situation but warm up over time (a state), or you can be extremely introverted and never able to warm up (A trait).

Gratitude is a tremendous emotion because it isn’t just an emotion. It can be both a state AND a trait. You can be in a state of gratitude or possess the trait of gratitude (don’t worry, its learnable too). I view the Altruistic state of gratitude as a never-ending cycle of good begets good. Gratitude can also broaden and build your perspective to the point where instead of behaving like a fleeting emotion or state, it becomes more of a permanent mindset or trait. But altruistic gratitude is hard because, let’s be honest, it involves other people. 

And the most common barrier to sharing thankfulness with other people is awkwardness. I am sure you feel it too. Every time I ask a mom friend for help, it’s awkward to share just how grateful I am to her because it’s like a LOT, a LOT, and that seems like TOO much to share. I may make her feel weird about helping me in the first place, so I temper my thanks. Do you? Well, come to find out, this is normal! 

In a study named “Under Valuing Gratitude,” Amir Kumar and Nick Epley asked people to write a letter of gratitude to a friend. They then asked them to rate the following:

• how awkward the friend would feel reading it,

• how surprised they would be by the letter, and

• how happy it would make them feel. 

On the whole, they found that people underestimated the effect the letter would have on the receiver, how surprised they would be — AND they overestimated the level of awkwardness the receiver would feel. People loved the letters — they didn't feel awkward about them at all. They were happy to hear the good things they had contributed to another’s life. And it made them feel good to get a letter saying that, in fact much more than what the letter’s authors had predicted.

Whoops, so awkwardness around saying “Thank You” or writing a quick note to a colleague is not as big of a deal as we think it’s going to be — in fact, that belief gets in the way of us realizing just how important our sentiments will be to that person.

After that info, I'm psyching myself up to write my letter, are you? Well, here’s one more motivator. The research on its benefits to your well-being is super strong as well. Some of the longest-lasting effects of gratitude measured have been in the months following the mailing of a gratitude letter to a friend, with people still feeling the effects sometimes as long as 2 months later. (that’s the research of Professor Robert Emmons)

Interestingly, an over-inflated ego typically doesn’t let us forget just how important we are to other people. You need to be humble to be afraid to send your letter. And that’s a good thing! Saying to yourself, “Oh no it won't matter that much to them. They won’t care. It will just be weird.” actually opens you up to more gratitude.

Humility is crucial to a regular practice of gratitude. Researchers behind the study, “Thieves of Thankfulness: Traits that inhibit Gratitude,” report, “Humility fosters thankfulness when one believes that they are superior to others and one has a high sense of entitlement, all benefits from others cease to be gifts; they are simply the goods that others and life owes them.”

So let’s take the advice of the “awkwardness” researchers and start handing out letters and thank you’s. (Yes, thank you cards actually matter, but let your child pick what to say so you can keep that authenticity and intensity alive.) We can model humility and grace in other ways too.

We can model waiting - literally waiting. Have you ever tried waiting for your child without your standard narration? The next time you leave the house, cut your talking to a minimum and simply wait for them. Yes, this can be hard, especially when you know the morning sequence and just how many seconds it will take to go from on time to late, but you are modeling patience so it will be worth it!

We can model saying No. Just because we are wanted and needed everywhere by everyone does not mean we need to say Yes. Why do I know this is a problem for you? Well, it's a problem for most moms. We want to be in three places simultaneously because we want everyone to be happy. Unfortunately, we are teaching our children how to overextend themselves. By modeling saying "No," we demonstrate to our children the boundaries needed for a more curated and intentional life.

Finally, the simplest way to counter entitlement for both ourselves AND our kids is to shift the focus away from what we don't have to what we do have. A daily gratitude practice introduces the language of "enough" into our homes. 

To introduce a family gratitude practice, you must start a practice yourself. Children do learn best through modeling. You can include them in the process, but by showing them, it’s part of your life, you will make it safe and introduce valuable mindset-shifting vocabulary to your homes. Including your kids in your practice could be as simple as asking your children to pick a letter from the alphabet and see how many good things you can list that begin with the letter – or by writing down three things you're grateful for each morning on a wipe-off board in the kitchen. The point is to do it daily and ensure they see you doing it.

Obstacles to gratitude are manageable. We can get there. The awkwardness is a mirage, and your ego is not in charge. We can find ways to take that fleeting emotion and make it a trait to step into an entirely grateful way of being. And when you do, I know the first thing you will discover is that you’re a pretty awesome mom already - in fact, you are Good AF. - Stef

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Learning to Let Go of Resentment

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This will sound weird, but Beyoncé helped me to deal with my resentment. Specifically, the resentment around my partner not helping - after we had our first baby, sure, but even later once we had two, and they were much older. The resentment and indignation had built up - and bitterness had taken over my mind and thoughts.

Let’s be honest, parenthood is not evenly balanced in this country, and most of the weight still lands on mothers. So, when I tell you that I am carrying less resentment than ever before, you may be surprised. After all, it feels like a natural part of parenthood these days, doesn’t it?

During her HBO special Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown shared that the emotion of resentment was NOT in the anger family as she had previously believed – an emotions researcher had clarified to her that resentment was actually part of the Envy family, 

It was a bit of a shocker for me to hear that – the injustices of our culture, the unfair emotional load inside my own home - that shit made me mad. 

And so I had to take a hard look at my resentment (and there was plenty to look at) — and well, crap. envy was the real culprit, and the anger was just a reaction to it all. 

As I looked over many of my mothering years, I could see envy play out in each and every painful instance of bitterness. Some were harder than others to equate to envy - but some were pretty obvious: Resenting friends who traveled during the pandemic quarantine - yep, that was actually envy. Resenting my mother-in-law for taking up so much of my time, yep, envy, because she was more engaged than my own. Resenting the moms who looked like they stepped off the Met Gala red carpet at school pick up, yep, I was definitely envious of their sense style because I never know where to start. 

I have always been jealous of my husband’s role as a non-primary parent. Maybe you have been too? Non-primary caregivers (still largely a role played by men) have a different experience in this country. While we get to know ourselves as entirely new people, they get up every day and go to work. My husband kept his same friends, his same after-work happy hours, and his same commute. And then, when he was home, he was a parent, TOO – how could resentment not grow out of that? 

And after more than a decade of parenting together, not much has changed. He still has a very different experience living (and thriving!?) within parenthood. Yes, he is an actively engaged parent. He takes large swaths of the weekends to play with the kids so I can disappear, he cleans up after them, and throws a few activity books in a bag when we go out to dinner (without me asking!!) – but his identity just hadn’t morphed in the drastic ways that mine has over the years.

Flashing back to the shitshow that was 2020, we are suddenly thrown into a global crisis together, and boom! things got really obvious. Sure I had been a parent for ten years, but I hadn’t been “on” like this since the newborn days: full-time parenting, crisis schooling, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for four people every. single. day. and trying to maintain my business, writing, and creative outlets (ha!). Peak resentment level - unlocked! 

Do you remember what it felt like? Life had dramatically changed, but my partner’s had only changed slightly: he was home now, and bonus! it came with homemade meals. The bitterness reached critical mass when it became the first thing on my mind every single day as I rolled myself out of bed. All the ways this situation was unfair to me and not to him screaming to fill the void – yeah, not such a great way to start your day.

This habit of rumination took me forever to notice, but when I did, I didn’t like it. I didn't like waking up in a “mood.” We were already going through so much as a family my children and my partner did not need me starting off on the wrong foot. And so, I decided to give the practice of noticing my thoughts a try every morning as I woke up.

And I did this for a while, maybe two or three weeks! And as I noticed all the negativity that lived inside my morning fog, I also noticed a competing force. I actually could hear something else. Songs. At first, it was frustrating too, like: Why am I constantly fighting with these songs that are stuck in my head!? I'm trying to listen for my resentment! I was trying hard not to let my wrath take charge of my day, but all I could hear was Justin Beiber or Beyoncé.

And then one day, I was like – you know what? I need to start listening to these songs because they're consistently around and not going away. And I gave up fighting them and began to listen every morning. And the songs were really quite upbeat. This was amazing because it was just what I had been looking for – moments of feeling good and uplifted. And so every morning I listened, grabbed onto the hook, and held on for dear life – and it would get me through the day.

And slowly, as I switched my attention to the songs, the resentful thoughts faded.

And now, two years later, I get excited to wake up each morning to see what songs are in my head – because I think it’s my subconscious trying to give me a message: Okay, today you need to focus on this or reflect on that from yesterday – use this song. It's a rewarding and enriching experience I have with myself every morning. And it's because I had the courage to look at my habitual thoughts – my envy – and say, “What's going on here?” 

We aren’t all going to wake up to the Queen B, but there are plenty of opportunities for healing that are right under our noses. When we stop giving all our attention to our habitual thoughts (especially to those rooted in emotions that aren’t what they seem - resentment, I’m looking at you) and try out the simple practice of just noticing, we can take a more thoughtful approach to our daily lives, and even open up a little room for something a bit more Irreplaceable. - Stef

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Three Main Benefits of Parenting with Gratitude

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The Three Benefits of Parenting with Gratitude

Parenting is hard—there’s no denying it. But what if shifting your focus could make it feel more fulfilling, even joyful?

Parenting with gratitude© doesn’t just help you notice the good; it transforms the way you show up for your kids and yourself.

Here are three key benefits of parenting with gratitude©:

1. Gratitude Builds Resilience

Parenting is full of challenges, but gratitude changes the way you respond to them. When you focus on what’s working—like the small wins or moments of connection—you build emotional resilience. Gratitude strengthens your ability to bounce forward after tough days, making you more present and patient for the next while allowing you to see the skills and strengths you bring to the role.

Quick tip: At the end of each day, write down one small parenting win, even if it’s as simple as, “I made it through today.”

2. Gratitude Enhances Connection

Gratitude helps you see your child for who they are—messy emotions and all. By appreciating their unique qualities, you strengthen your bond and build mutual respect. When children feel valued, their confidence grows, and your relationship deepens. Gratitude also allows you to see all the helpers in your life–because while modern parenthood can feel lonely, there are still people in our lives that show up for us in small ways every day.

Try this: During tough moments, pause and ask yourself, “What do I appreciate about my child right now?” or “Who helped me today?”

3. Gratitude Shifts Perspective

When you focus on gratitude, the daily grind of parenting feels less like an endless to-do list and more like an opportunity for growth. Gratitude widens your perspective, helping you see challenges as part of a bigger picture instead of just frustrations.

Example: That tantrum? It’s not just a meltdown—it’s a chance to teach emotional regulation, both for your child and yourself.

Start Small: A Gratitude Practice for Parents

Parenting with gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring the hard stuff. It’s about balancing the hard moments with a purposeful practice of noticing the joy, the growth, and the small wins. Start by looking for one thing you’re grateful for each day—about your child, your partner, or even yourself. Over time, these small moments build up into a more fulfilling parenting journey.

Want to dive deeper into the benefits of gratitude? Read more here or sign up for weekly practices to bring gratitude into your daily life.

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Gratitude: a Stepping Stone to a More Mindful Life

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Gratitude: A Stepping Stone to a More Mindful Life

Hi, it’s me, Stef, again. Here to talk to you about parenting differently with gratitude. I am obsessed with gratitude because it has changed how I view the world. I grew up in New England, so I celebrated the negative. It’s kind of hard to describe how a cultural mindset works, but in Massachusetts, where I am from, it’s pretty acceptable to be super negative, sarcastic, and self-deprecating. 

First of all, not all of the Northeast is filled with pessimists, but I assure you that optimists are not the norm. You have to be hard to make it through the winter, and you have to be tough to fight for what you want. The world is not out to help you - the world is out to get you - and don't you dare show anyone that you can fall.

Of course, the world is not out to “get” a middle-class white girl from Massachusetts, even if she grew up in a small rural town. This is just another worldview - there are so many, after all. And so, I grew up with both the luxury of white privilege and the austerity of optimism. Weird? Maybe but if you are from the Northeast, you get it. 

So you know my starting viewpoint  – even if something went right, it was just law that the other shoe was always gonna drop somehow.

But I’m not like that anymore — and yes, living in California has something to do with it — but you can still be a negative SOB in the Golden State. My worldview has changed. That is what happened when I started to look inside and do the work I needed to do to become a happier human. And the intention was not enough - I DID have to do the work - I just didn’t need to grit my teeth and bear it. Parenting didn’t have to be about reading every book, going to every workshop, and FIGURING THAT $%^& out by myself. 

It took action — it took courage — did I want to keep choosing my kids over my well-being or did I want to choose myself first?

Choose yourself first. What does that really mean?

Well, it’s not as simple as taking an afternoon off - motherhood doesn’t work that way - especially in the early years. A “Choose Yourself First” mindset does not mean sacrificing your kids’ happiness for your own.  It’s about where you want to put your energy — you’re taking such great care of your kids — but what if you just lessened up a bit on that and started taking care of yourself a little more?

Take a quick second to reflect on the things in your control and see if you like how they are going.

Do you NEED to do everything you’re doing or is that your inner perfectionist at work? Is it society telling you that your kids HAVE to be in sports and that your HAVE to help with PTA and you HAVE to teach your newborn to swim - but do you?

You get to decide for yourself if the events and/or people in your life support or deteriorate your well-being. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for other people’s or cultural opinions.

Let’s take a look at my well-being success formula it’s:

INTENTION + ATTENTION + ACTION + REPETITION = RESULTS

And here we are talking about attention - where is most of your’s going? 

Yeah, it’s your kids, duh, I know.

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Let's talk about why gratitude could be the right action for parenting in the first place.

Every mother dreams about becoming less triggered by her kids; some of us yell, some give up – we all flood with overwhelm. Unfortunately, most parenting advice assumes we can break out of these habitual reactions without learning the skills to get there. 

Those preliminary cycle-breaking skills are crucial because we can't take any advice without getting to what I call "The Juicy Pause" – or that moment right before we react. We are always reading these books and trying these things and failing! Because they take patience, we just don’t have. I remember when I was a toddler parent how much I wished I could have more patience - like it was the key to everything when in reality, it was how quickly I went to reaction town that was keeping me from succeeding, I got triggered when my child didn’t respond to a new technique right away I modeled back their emotions and they slapped me in the face or laughed, I walked out of the room to have a time out and they followed me screaming, and so I screamed back. Nothing would stick, and it wasn’t because I was impatient - it was because I was TRIGGERED.

My reactions were emotional - not thoughtful.

How would I learn to be a better parent if I couldn’t stop myself from yelling at my child in the first place? I had to break some pretty deeply entrenched habits. Ones that had been modeled to me as a child and probably even modeled to my parents as children.  

To take the advice of so many well-meaning child experts out there, we have to expand the pause - the moment right before we are triggered, and the only way to do that is to learn to become more present, to notice there is a pause, to begin with.

We need a more mindful approach to parenting growth, one that I believe starts with a committed, daily practice of gratitude. 

Dan Harris, ABC correspondent and author of 10% Happier, has famously said, “I do meditation because it makes me 10 percent happier.” I feel the same about gratitude. 

It won’t fix your whole life - but after a few weeks, you will feel the subtle shift from how you used to think, feel and behave to the way you do now - and let me tell you, your kids will approve. 

And so I hope you stick with me as we plod deeper into this idea of Parenting Differently with Gratitude because the benefits make it worth it. Your self-doubt and Mom Guilt softens away, you become more connected to your friends and community, and you arrive right here in the present moment where your kids already live. 

What will you do to choose yourself this week? Well, I hope you will start writing that list each morning. And if you haven’t downloaded our mantra of the week, it is a perfect reminder you can put right there on your phone screen: Taking action is a gift to myself.

And don’t forget - you are already a Good AF mom.

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Faith to Parent Differently (2.0)

Last week, my brother sent me a text message, it said:

Did you know that trauma gets baked into three generations of DNA?

And I said:

Oh, gosh, where does it begin, though? And where does it end?

Right?

Here’s the other side of that statement - the ripple effect of “where does it start or stop?” can cause a lot of anxiety when you're parenting, the next generation.

And so I had to take myself out of that for a minute, I had to say, no, no, it stops with me. It doesn't really matter how many generations it may take - I don't care, it stops with me.

This is my commitment to parenting differently.

My intention to break the cycle of trauma, to be the change, makes all the difference. I think everyone has the ability to make a conscious choice to do things a bit differently than maybe the generation before.

For me, the action this choice demands really boils comes down to maintaining a positive mindset. When I wake up in the morning, am I committed to parenting differently? And if I am, then that is enough.

Of course, you can’t see it happening - the change - it takes faith to believe that intention is really enough. My choices every day, my effort every day, it's enough — because that intention is it inspires me to action. And every day, even if I mess up 300 times, I know that the 200 times that I did something really great those are the actions that are going to make a difference.

And generational change doesn't happen overnight.

It's not going to be something that I can say, “Oh, wow, there it is. My kid magically knows how to come to me when they're feeling upset instead of going and hiding alone” — right? It doesn't happen instantly like that. But it does happen over time.

And you have to believe that in order to keep going, right? We all do. We also need to have faith in the goodness of our hearts, and the goodness of the hearts of the people that we care for. And we have to have faith that we can do it.

The way that I do it is I make sure that when I wake up and I make that commitment to parenting differently, to ensure I'm meeting my own needs first. And that does mean that I've had to get up earlier and earlier over the years. But for me, my biggest “need” is alone time - it’s incredibly nourishing for me because I grew up the oldest, in a chaotic family of five kids. I never had time alone. Now I make sure that I get up every morning and I find time to be alone. I meditate. I do my gratitude journaling — I write down 10 things every morning I'm grateful for and I reorient my mindset.

And the rest really boils down to believing that my inner goodness and my inner love is enough for these kids. And that even when I mess up, saying sorry is enough, and even when they mess up, letting them be okay with messing too.

And it really does boil down to having a deep, deep commitment to faith.

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Did you Parent Differently this Weekend?

I got a question for you: Did you parent differently this weekend?

Think about it. I bet immediately your thoughts are: No!

And of course, as parents, this is what we do. We go right to two things:

1. Too much of and not enough of:

   So too much screentime not enough family time, too much sugar, not enough healthy food, too much errands, not enough outside time you get it.

2. Or we go to cataclysmic events:

   Like the meltdown in church or the bedtime that took three hours instead of one.

This is called the negativity bias.

So when we look back quickly, over our weekend, we can say to ourselves, “No, that was not a good weekend” or “Okay, some things went great, but that tantrum really was my fault. And I didn't do a good job this weekend. So no, I didn't parent differently.”

If we are not paying attention, our negativity bias takes over and that is how you end up with guilt, shame, and built-in fear of messing up in the future — never getting it right.

The reason I always talked about parenting with gratitude is because it's an intentional way to look back over your weekend and override that negativity bias.

The simple yet effective practice looks like this: I'm gonna look over Saturday, and I'm gonna find five to 10 things that went well, or five to 10 things that I'm grateful for. Maybe they're small moments, maybe they're big moments, but you know what? You forgot. You forgot you're a good mom. And I guarantee you're gonna find five to 10 — I bet you could find 20. And then you're going to do that with Sunday.

And this is the practice of parenting with gratitude. It's looking over our lives with intention and saying, “I am not going to let the negativity bias ruin my week — I'm not going to enter into the mom guilt, shame cycle, because I am going to practice gratitude.”

And the more we do this, the more we look over our yesterday's for the good the more we can experience those situations in real time and begin to notice them the moment they happen. And in those moments, we can feel its positivity even deeper because we are present with the ones we love. And we are not doubting ourselves. We are not feeling lonely, and we are not somewhere inside of our anxiety or depression.

So I want you to ask yourself, did I parent differently yesterday? If you immediately go to a “too much” or “not enough” or that one thing that you just screwed up I want you to take the time to go through and look for the things that did go right because there are lots.

🤍 Stef

Want more? Join my free 12-Week Parenting with Gratitude Email Series here.

Parenting in a Memento Mori World

So just what is memento mori, you ask? The Latin really says it all: remember that you [have to] die. Pondering our mortality has been around since the Roman times, and I doubt that they had it any better off than we do now, but it sure does feel like I am pondering more and more these days. Sometimes I parent scared, and others I parent while I look away from the world's tragedies so I just can make it through one more day.

Sure reflecting on death and its inevitable arrival may seem morbid or maybe even a bit basic — after all, death is life's simplest truth — but the practice of memento mori is not about being sad or giving up. And although these days our American culture feels littered with reminders of our mortality, it is really about what we do next that matters.

"You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think." - Marcus Aurelius.

The tragedies don't seem to stop, and it's getting exhausting living this memento mori life. In the wake of another heart-wrenching school shooting, we kiss our babies and hold them extra tight - if we are lucky enough to. We are grateful for them and infuse them with our love. But we are also reminded of just how helpless we are to protect them - the ones we love with more than just our hearts, our whole entire beings. 

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The modern world has a way of throwing us into the practice of memento mori, whether we like it or not - constantly bombarded with reminders of life's limits. My (just as important) mental health work is overshadowed by ever-constant reminders that my kids are not safe, creating an underlying anxiety that I just can't shake.

I should not have to worry that they will not make it home from school, or get into a car with another teen who has been drinking. I should not have to worry that an intense bout of depression will hit, and they decide to end it all instead of asking for help. But I do. I worry. Because these things happen to families every day.

And these are the many pebbles we carry as parents. Unlike the treasured finds of toddlerhood, these rocks we can't unload onto the dresser, our pockets becoming heavier and heavier, and just full. 

Life is precious and fleeting, and it's my job to keep my kids safe — and it's feeling harder and harder to do that these days. 

And so I rely on the action memento mori spurs. Appreciating what I have and holding tight to the hope that love will always prevail — and letting that love dictate my next move. 

Of course, if you are a long-time reader, you will probably guess that my first move is to let the feeling of gratefulness wash over me. Memento mori can be a deep and introspective way to reflect on the impermanence of things, which I think produces instant gratitude. You can't help but feel grateful for your kids as they tumble off the bus, for your garden as it bears fruit, and for your partner as they grab their coffee and run out the door.

Small moments become big, and things that didn't seem important crystalize before our eyes — gorgeous in their simplicity because they are so fleeting. But I don't think it stops there either. Because the next action I am inspired to is savor: to hold my children close and take in their smell, to bite into a deep dark juicy tomato, and to grab my partner and run my fingers through his hair. 

I refuse to accept that hugging my children a little extra each day and feeling that love does not change the world - it does. 

Of course, that change takes time. And so I also need to do something now, and maybe you do too? And so, I hope that you will join me in advocating for gun control in whatever way you may seem fit. I support the non-profit Moms Demand Action, and I wear orange on June 3 - 5th, and I commit to doubling down on love. 

These may seem like small pieces of a much bigger pie, but it's what I can do. I hope you can find a moment to reflect and feel grateful AND to act. Our kids and our world need both. 

We do not know when it will end or how, so while we are here, we must cherish the moments that enrich and fulfill and do everything we can to protect them too.

I do not get discouraged. I keep hope alive. I keep cherishing this one precious life, and I hope you can too.

Choose Yourself First - It's Not that Simple.

Choose Yourself First!!? It’s not as simple as taking an afternoon off - motherhood doesn’t work that way - especially in the early years.

A “Choose Yourself First” mindset does not mean you sacrifice your kids’ happiness for your own either. 

It just means taking a quick second to reflect on the things that are in your control and see if you like how they are going.

You decide for yourself if the events and/or people in your life are supported or deteriorating from your well-being. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for other people’s or cultural opinions. 

And that starts from day 1: 

• Who do I really want inside the birthing room?

• Am I breastfeeding because I want to or because of the cultural pressure of “breast is best”? 

• Does bed sharing feel like the right choice? Or do I want them in a crib?

And then as they grow: 

• Am I potty training because I’m ready or because my mother said it was time? 

• Do I really need to go to swim class or is it making my afternoons too insane? 

By choosing yourself first, your voice has an equal or more important seat at the table. 

Parent differently with this genuine and curious mindset. You’ll be grateful you tried it.

The Struggle is Real

Parenting is not all roses and unicorns - this is obvious. So then why do we feel the need to show it off that way?

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I hope that on this blog I can make it clear that being positive all the time is not the ultimate goal. My overall well-being and yours is the goal - not blind optimism.

So if you’re unhappy or feel like your wellness journey has been put on the back burner — or left in childless life — you’re in the right place. Burning out is something that happens to us all and these days it happens even faster than before BECAUSE of the perfect parenting messages we receive and our surrounded by on the daily.

I know you are an amazing parent.

You’re here reading this after all. I just think (myself included) that we forget to look at all the good things we do every day because the “bad” is so heavy and LOUD. When we hurt our kids it feels awful - like so, so bad. When we are tired we get triggered, when we have emotional baggage or trauma it comes out, when we are burned out we are not able to parent the way we want.

But you aren’t all bad - you are a loving and kind parent whose intentions are good — and because of that truth I also know there are a million things you are doing right each day. So by using a daily gratitude scan to notice the good we can fight the jump to mom-shame or self-doubt.

Here’s the kicker though - our parenting experience is also a growth opportunity and so we don’t ignore those tougher moments, the yelling the mom-tantrums, and/or apathy.

We must open to both the good and the bad - and allow space for both. Why? Well #1: because we all make mistakes and modeling making mistakes is just good parenting, especially if you follow up with an apology — but also #2: Because scientific magic happens when we acknowledge both our suffering AND our positive moments.

When we reside in difficult circumstances like the ongoing stress we have felt throughout the pandemic, if we are able to notice both our suffering and the silver lining of our circumstances and hold them as equally important we provide our brains the opportunity to grow what are called “benefit finding” muscles that support our overall resiliency.

What is Benefit-Finding? Well at its simplest definition it is finding the silver lining in tough situations - ones that may cause a significant amount of personal suffering.

From the book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.:

“To my ears, benefit finding sounds like the kind of positive thinking that tries to scurry away from the reality of suffering: Let’s look on the bright side so we don’t have to feel the pain or think about the loss.

But despite my own allergic reaction, this research doesn't suggest that the most helpful mindset is a Pollyannish insistence on turning everything bad into something good. Rather it’s the ability to notice the good as you cope with things that are difficult. In fact, being able to see both the good and the bad is associated with better long-term outcomes than focusing purely on the upside…Looking for the good in stress helps most when you are also able to realistically acknowledge whatever suffering is also present.”

Tough times are not a good thing - no one wishes pandemic parenting on you so you can grow. However, learning to accept that the tough times will be part of the whole modern parenting package and still see within them the good also helps with the feelings of helplessness. The helplessness that may be spurred by burnout - like there is not enough time or energy to do all that is demanded of you. When you can see your circumstances as both temporary and also beneficial (even in the smallest way) you can adjust your mindset enough to regain your footing.

This week has been tough for me - it wasn’t one major thing that happened but just a piling on of a lot. I felt heavy I wasn’t sleeping well. My office was a total mess. I felt out of routine and like my personal goals were not being met. It has been funky!! On top of that, every time my kids are sick and have to stay home from school (which this week happened) I go into pandemic whiplash — like: WHEN AM I EVER GONNA HAVE TIME FOR ME AGAIN!!

But by bringing a silver lining perspective to these types of days (or weeks) I can begin to find the way out of my funk. And I no longer fight my reality. These weeks happen, but compared to 2020 this is NOTHING! And I look at my feelings with curiosity. Is there anything I can do to help out myself? No, ok. Then what can I find in this week that is good and beneficial - oh, I am going to bed earlier because I am tired! Well, more sleep is always a good thing! I am can’t clean my office but I cleaned the dining table and worked there - so that clutter is gone yay! etc, etc.

Once I can find the silver lining it gives me the confidence needed to say “This is temporary!” then I step into a more equanimous outlook: It is what it is, for now! I will ride this out and use my gratitude practice to gain some much-needed perspective. My kids are happy and healthy my extended family, the same. We live in a beautiful place and have 3 adorable happy cats. I have access to clean water and get to exercise every single day - and take a shower!! (which back in the baby days I would have died for).

Things are both good and not so good - and that O.K. right now.

Share where you are at in the comments below! -Stef

Parenting with Intention

Listen to this post as a Podcast:

My family and I were walking home from dinner on a very chilly night this spring and my youngest and I kept stopping to look at this or that along the way. Noticing that we were behind he immediately would yell to his brother and dad ahead of us - “Wait Up!” but they couldn’t hear him.

“Let’s run and catch up to them,” I said, and off we went. Well, apparently he does not see me run very often because all of a sudden he’s there right beside me yelling, “Look! Mommy’s running, Mommy’s RUNNING!!!” squealing with delight.

Then his brother is jumping and laughing and squealing, “Look, Dad!! Look!” and I’m dying laughing because it's all so obvious - of course, I can run. I mean we all can run. I just choose not to because I don’t really like it, not to mention, what grown woman runs in heels with her kids? But boy was it fun to run with him - to laugh and connect and warm our bodies in the cold air.

The honest truth is I have often chosen not to run with my kids, choosing to avoid what may end up being joyful and fun, for many years. Instead, I have chosen to strategically to stay on the sidelines and keep watch with my critical eye:

Did he just dismiss that kid? 

Why does he have to always be so mean to his brother?

Was that a good way to intervene when they were fighting? 

That mother handled that situation so much better than I ever will.

Why are there some parents who seem so happy and then there’s me?

Am I the only one who wakes up each morning just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Listening for children arguing down the hallway as I dress, or stepping on yet another lego they refused to clean up cursing my weakness as a parent all the way to the coffee pot. Yes, it's my first instinct to think things are not going well and that it’s my fault. 

In this parenting story presented by my brain, now featuring!: Kids who are destined for therapy! And who will hate me when they were older! And forget the present - they will never listen to you no matter what you say!

If I were just a little bit better of a mom, if I just read one more book on parenting, then maybe things would line up and I would achieve mom greatness.

And so (fueled by endless amounts of caffeine) I became obsessed with child development. 

I became the parenting-expert you were lucky to live next door to, the "Super Nanny” your friend bragged that she had snagged. And yes, I could pretty much tell you what was going on with your child if you asked. Totally helpful for my career as a nanny, not so helpful after telling my son “I love you no matter what” and his comeback was: "No don't you love me all the time - not when I'm sad or you're mad - I don't believe you.” #tearmyheartout

Determined to keep this hurt (this failure) from stopping me - I kept reading. Book after book after book, searching for clues. And every day I struggled to hold on as I tried “tips and tricks” and failed.

I lived in this cycle for years! My kids did something, I reacted. I immediately then treated myself like a failure and went looking for external help, clinging to workshops and expert advice and when that didn’t work immediately I would lose my sh*t again - which perpetuated the cycle. 

The more I read about their little brains and their development, the more empathy I developed for their struggles. I also discovered just how hard it was to play catch up as their brains and bodies grew through substantial leaps and I pretty much stayed the same. 

Here I was arriving each morning with the same baggage from my childhood traumas: my negative self-worth and self-talk, my thirst to be the "Perfect Mother”. And all along I was constantly looking outside myself longing for the perfect solution to my Good Mom/Bad Mom cycle.

The struggle was indeed real, and it was even happening to me - the Super Nanny. 

The books had failed me, they never addressed my experience, only what my children were about to go through. The goal of being a perfect mother is not reachable and I didn’t realize I had been trapped inside my good intentions all along. I wasn’t the perfect mother and I was never going to be. 

We all have childhood stories that make us different from other people, partners who have different styles then we do, interfering yet well-meaning family members, and friends who make it look easy. 

Parenting is a constant and evolving process and you need to decide what you want out of the relationship. As the Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says at baby blessings: “You now have a live-in Zen Master - they are here to help you grow”. It’s never going to be over, your kids will always be your kids and every day they offer you an opportunity for deep and reflective self-growth.

I have come to look at it as a practice in true authentic self-care more than anything else. At the beginning of this self-care practice, I softened my intention to be a “Perfect Mother” to just becoming a better parent for my kids. But now after many years of practice, my intention is to just be happy.  

And most days I am. I surprise myself with how far I’ve come every day and I stand in amazement - really in awe - at how good it feels to be ok with imperfection.

Don’t expect to come to my house and see me interacting with my kids like some magical Mary Poppins because that will be very far from what you see. We have plenty of days where we argue and I yell and things are really hard. But the difference is that those days don’t define me anymore. I can brush off a “You’re so mean”. I can meet my children where they are and support them in a way that sends me deeper into the circular practice of gratitude and contentment.

My intention to be happy is stronger than my intention for perfection ever was because I look for the good in every day and I reflect on what went right and not on what went wrong. Because there is a difference between wishing things would change and intending to make those changes within yourself.

My goal is to help you to begin the process of shifting the type of parenting that you do now to something a little bit different, something that may result in your being a little bit happier. It may not be better right away, but we all learn through experience, growth doesn’t happen overnight. So what is your intention - what are you ready to stop wishing for and make a practice instead?

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