Is it bad to compare myself to other moms?
Listen to the post as a podcast:
Motherhood is full of comparisons. In this job with no training, and it just makes sense that look at what others are going through and see how it compares to our own experiences.
This helps us to grow and adjust; humans are social by nature, and it’s perfectly normal to look to other members of your species to see what is acceptable and what is not.
The problem with comparison is not the comparison - it’s what happens afterward. We see a perfectly clean playroom on Instagram, or maybe we visit a friend in real life whose house is always clean — and we immediately think of the piles on the basement floor that equate to a playroom of sorts or mildewy grout in our showers. And then we attach a story that clean is good and dirty or unorganized is terrible. This story takes a basic situation of different priorities and conditions and adds a layer of shame to the entire thing like:
Download the Mantra - I don’t have to be perfect to be me.
Well, if she can do it, why can’t I?
She works 40 hours a week like me!
Or her kids are even younger than mine!
Or my kids go to daycare, and I still can’t catch up
This blog offers up Parenting with Gratitude as a simple way to shift our parenting mindsets from Bad Mom to GoodAF. When we look at the world from the lens of Bad Mom, everything everyone else does makes us feel inferior. When we shift our mindset to GoodAF, we can look at the world with detached curiosity and wonder. Like - Wow, how does she keep her kids from messing up the pantry? I am going to ask her! Shame is the bully that keeps us from asking this type of question and connecting with the people around us.
THREE MAIN PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT KEEP PARENTS (AND HUMANS!) FROM FEELING GRATITUDE ARE:
EGO
CYNICISM
RESENTMENT/ENVY
And then a million temporary states keep us from feeling gratitude too. Some include:
Indebtedness
Self-doubt
Materialism
even surprise!
I would consider cynicism a form of comparing — but instead of being inferior to someone, you feel superior to them. You look at how they are doing things and judge it as inauthentic, not good enough, or just plain bad parenting.
In whatever shape our comparing comes, it’s still a form of “othering” or separating us from people in our communities - potential friends, other moms!
It becomes an ”I” versus “you” thought spiral. When I compare myself to others, I build a wall brick by brick, separating me from other moms. And brick by brick, I protect myself from the shame of not being good enough. And this is not a bad thing. The wall keeps us safe; it’s a protective mechanism. But it also keeps out connection PLUS all the things I could learn from other moms.
Comparison gets in the way of feeling grateful because your focus is not on enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not rested enough. I’m not compassionate enough or kind enough or patient enough, or silly enough.
Our mind tells us: “I want to be them (whoever they are that look perfect), not me.”
And when we’re looking at the world from that mode, we can’t see ALL the good we have. The positive aspects of gratitude that help us to “broaden and build” our perspective, as Barbara Fredrickson says, become lodged underneath the wall until we can say, “No, I don’t need to be like them. I want to be like me,” and the wall can come down we stay stuck.
Embracing our imperfect natures is the first wave of demolition needed to get unstuck.
This takes acceptance of what is – and what we want. My GoodAF Mom Intention is to be a happy human. I understand that perfection is unattainable, so as long as I make that the goal, I will never reach my ultimate goal of happiness. And so I strive for imperfection, which can be part of the goal and automatically achievable. Try it: “I don’t have to be perfect to be me.”
I am an imperfect parent. I am an imperfect writer. I am an imperfect podcast host. I am an imperfect partner. That’s the truth, it’s my reality, and I am ok with it.
Maybe you ARE cynical of other people’s motives from time to time, or perhaps you admire people but aren’t sure what to do next. Well, I think the first step is always to look for the good in everyone. I think it allows me to see the good in myself. If you’re cynical about the people around you and their motives, it makes it really hard to find the good in your own heart and in the good in your own behavior. And if you are shy or aren’t sure what to do after you notice a difference and don’t want to go to the shame party anymore - then what?
Curiosity is critical here. I want to remain open to the wisdom of my friends, experts in my field, and all the mothers trying their best. So I have to look inside at my suffering, at the superiority or inferiority I carry, to break down the wall that keeps me so separate. I am curious about myself first, then I am curious about them. I ask questions, am open to their wisdom, and learn! Curiosity fosters connection, and that’s what we need most as moms - to feel like we are not alone.
We can also be curious about our pain - why does it hurt so much being different from others and noticing the stories we attach to that pain. Don’t be discouraged if that seems daunting. Its something we can work towards together. It starts with that mantra you can download up there on this page. “ I don’t have to be perfect to be me.” As long as we keep the perfectionist or arrogant stories covering our pain - it’s just that it’s untouchable. It can’t go anywhere if you can’t even touch it.
Let’s be honest, I genuinely feel bad when I go to someone’s house who has the same aged kids as me, and it’s spotless. But suppose I remind myself that adding the additional story of shame to that pain separates me from my need for connection. In that case, I can soften a bit and allow for a bit more perspective - maybe they pay a cleaning crew once a week, and I choose to use that money for a massage. Perhaps they have a partner who doesn’t travel, or they eat takeout every night. Maybe they are never home because they are at soccer and piano, or the kids are only allowed to play outside on the weekends - who knows? I do know that these are the things that actually connect us once the wall is no longer there.
It’s when we look outside ourselves for affirmation or confirmation that’s when we get into trouble.
Look around - if you are closing yourself off from your world with those pesky walls, offer yourself grace. They were constructed to keep you safe, it was a simple way to provide a little self-care, but it’s not serving you now. Let’s release the floodgates. Allow positive emotions like curiosity, inspiration, gratitude, and joy to send those walls crashing down. We are not different than anyone else or better or worse.
We all have pain.
We all have kids who test our growth and our sanity. We all have our baggage and stories that turn that pain into suffering – and yes, that all makes us unique in our journeys – but it’s also what makes us all equal. It allows us to talk and connect and skip the comparison game. And so I hope you start by remembering how much we all have in common and that without you, we wouldn’t be the incredible community that we are - and that’s because you are a Good AF Mom. - Stef
