How to Avoid Toxic Positivity while Remaining Grateful

Listen to this post as a podcast:

How can we remain grateful while also staying away from toxic positivity?

We are now in what my family calls ‘The Gauntlet’. The time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s that seems to go by SO Fast. And while it's exciting and fun, it’s also a lot. And I want to talk about that “a lot-ness” and about how we can acknowledge both the overwhelming aspects of a situation while also seeing the good - the silver linings.

When we accept that there are both shitty sides to the season and glorious ones, we can become more in alignment with ourselves, the present moment and our GoodAF Mom Intention.

And to do this you can use a visualization practice:

I want you to identify one SMALL annoyance in your life right now and focus on it. We aren’t gonna do a big issue today – but something that is still a bit stressful like a cookie exchange you committed to or getting matching PJs in time (both of these work for me actually). We are not going to make it go away – but silly enough we are going to make it into a household object - so pick something neutral like a hair tie or a coin got it?

Now think about your house. Some places are pleasant, there are places that are unpleasant (I see you, laundry), and then there are neutral places like a window sill that maybe gets good light but not great and isn't too shady. It’s just a neutral spot in your home.

Now please take that coin or hair tie or whatever, hold it close to your chest, and allow yourself to feel the intensity of that annoying situation as much as you can, and as you do so, place all of the feelings inside the object. Now that the object has been filled, place it on the window sill.

Now I want you to think of a situation around this time of year that fills you to the brim with gratitude or joy. And find another neutral object in your home that you will infuse with this feeling - maybe a pencil or tube of chapstick, nothing with a story. Hold it tightly and close, close, close, infusing it with all the good feelings this situation gives you. And when you are done place it on the windowsill next to the other one, just side by side they dont need to be touching.

Now take a step back.

What do you see? Well, two objects, right? Neither the hair tie nor the tube of chapstick has meaning when they are sitting there on the windowsill. They just are. One is not better than the other. One is not louder nor more vital to your world. But here’s the thing - the intensity you feel if you pick them up is similar. Studies show that stress and excitement exist in the same chemical makeup within the body in fact. However, it’s the story that we attach to the hair tie that makes it feel like suffering or anxiety, while the chapstick feels more like anticipation. 

OK, you can leave the items there on the shelf and come back to reality. They will be fine - in fact, as you walk away and come back to reality, you may notice that the anxiety you felt around the hair tie is actually more manageable now. You know where it is but you put it down for now.

This exercise does not mean you should cling to your over-commitments this season — if anything you should weed some out while it’s still early. But instead of talking about saying No this season (let’s save that for another week) we are going to talk about Benefit Finding today – and also how our relationship to stress either makes situations more manageable or just plain chaotic. I hope that this blog makes it clear that being positive all the time is not the ultimate goal. My overall well-being and yours is the goal - not blind optimism.

So if you’re unhappy or feel like your wellness journey has been put on the back burner — or left behind in childless life — you’re in the right place. Burning out is something that happens to us all and these days it happens even faster than before BECAUSE of the perfect parenting messages we receive and our surrounded by on the daily.

I ALREADY KNOW YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT.

You’re here reading this after all. I just think (myself included) that we forget to look at all the good things we do every day because the “bad” is so heavy and LOUD. When we hurt our kids it feels awful - like so, so bad. When we are tired we get triggered, if we carry uninvestigated emotional baggage or trauma it comes out, and if we are burned out we are not able to parent the way we want. But you aren’t all bad - you are a loving and kind parent whose intentions are good – you have both hair ties and you have chapsticks on your windowsill — and because of that truth I also know there are a million things you are doing right each day. Using a daily gratitude scan to notice the good we are fighting the autopilot to mom-shame or self-doubt.

When we are living through difficult circumstances like the ongoing stress we felt throughout the pandemic, if we can notice both our suffering and the silver lining of our circumstances and hold them as equally important we provide our brains the opportunity to grow what are called “benefit finding” muscles that support our overall resiliency. 

What is Benefit-Finding? The first studies on this skill were conducted with children who were in chronic pain due to illness and benefit finding referred to the process of perceiving positive consequences in the face of adversity – finding the silver lining in tough situations even ones that may cause a significant amount of personal suffering. However, most importantly the perception of a “silver lining” with an adverse event was most beneficial when derived with internal motivation and not external triggers. 

From the book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.linked in show notes  says:

“To my ears, benefit finding sounds like the kind of positive thinking that tries to scurry away from the reality of suffering: Let’s look on the bright side so we don’t have to feel the pain or think about the loss.”

However she goes on to say:

“But despite my own allergic reaction, this research doesn't suggest that the most helpful mindset is a Pollyannish insistence on turning everything bad into something good. Rather it’s the ability to notice the good as you cope with things that are difficult. In fact, being able to see both the good and the bad is associated with better long-term outcomes than focusing purely on the upside…Looking for the good in stress helps most when you are also able to realistically acknowledge whatever suffering is also present.”

Tough times are not a good thing - wishing pandemic parenting on you so you can grow is insane and something I would never do. However, learning to accept that the tough times will be part of the whole modern parenting package and STILL see within them the good can help you cope with the feelings of helplessness. When you can see your circumstances as both temporary and also beneficial (even in the smallest way) you can adjust your mindset enough to regain your footing.

So things are both good and not so good - and thats’s O.K. right? We all have our hair ties and our chapsticks and we can put them down and look at them as just what they are - parts of a well-lived life. Share where you are in your journey with me - I would love to know, you can email me at parentdifferently@gmail.com or shoot me a DM on Instagram and I want you to remember that you are already Good AF Mom. - Stef