How to Parent Differently: A Cheatsheet
So you’ve reached your limit with 2020. Things that used to work only worked because you weren’t parenting for 24 endless hours a day. Going to work was actually a break, who knew!? And if you stay home with your kids - school or playdates provided the break, and the structure and the schedule that let you settle comfortably into your household obligations.
2020 has tested our collective patience. I don’t think anyone will come out of this year the same as we all went in. Could this be a good time to shake up your parenting then? It’s already a marathon why not make a few tweaks to make the experience a bit more fulfilling - for us.
Can you even parent differently? Does anyone have the ability to change their parenting style? After this year - you tell me because I am screaming YEEEEESSSSS. And 2020 is the perfect year to start.
I don’t know about you, but wow! am I surprised at the inner reservoirs of my inner reservoirs — they are filled with perseverance and grit, they provide endless pep talks, and they constantly remind me to reach out for support. I have naturally added affirmations like. “We can do hard things” to my lexicon, and “This is a lot for anyone” - no one told me I needed them or that I should start saying nice things, it was just the onslaught on never-ending learning opportunities thrown at me by this year.
So we need a cheat sheet for how to Parent Differently and so here is a list that came solely from my inner (secret) reservoir of perseverance and creativity — the keys to making it through to 2021:
We have got to stop giving ourselves such a hard time. Adopt a self-kindness mantra ASAP. I don’t care if it’s cheesy, let’s be cheesy then. Share it with your kids when you lecture them, write it directly on your walls or your arm find a way to add it to your life. It’s time to stop worrying about whether people will come over and judge you for your mantra post-its - they aren’t coming over, so slap that baby up on the wall and start living it.
Choose yourself first, people. This should have been #1 but we are so hard on ourselves that we don’t know we have the ability to choose ourselves first. We can be happy AND parents at the same time. It starts by owning our moments of sadness, anger, grief and anxiety. Recognizing we need breaks and demanding alone time. Yes, DEMANDING.
Our kids are rockstars at transitions. They may not seem like it when they are whining, but sh*t are they learning more than most of our generation ever had to learn about resiliency and change. These little people will grow up and handle another 2020 like it’s NOTHING and they may even have the emotional capacity to do something about it during. So, I have taken to looking at them in awe and plead with you to join me.
Even as the Titanic sank the band played on because MUSIC, ART, and BEAUTY matter. If I do not put something beautiful into the world on a regular basis I am left cranky and unfulfilled because I am not serving my purpose in this life. I have been gifted creativity and so have you. What’s your “something” that you would offer even as the boat sank? Something that drives you so deeply you would stay and provide it to the world? DO THAT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
Find ways to love your children when they aren’t looking (or talking). I have one child that is a storyteller. Boy, will he take you on that journey with him! But yikes is it complicated and long winded. Then I also have a 12 year old that is not into sharing what’s going on right now, so he needs a bit of coaxing to get going. Either of them at any given moment could be pleading for another new book and just one more hour of screen time (!!), but when they are sleeping they are magically transported back to babyhood. The whining, the back talk, and ungrateful angst disappear and all that remains are their sweet little faces. And that’s when I thank them for being 100% themselves, for pushing me to take better care of myself every single moment, and for unconditional love they gift to me every day.
Go outside. Days pass by as I do the same thing over and over — while stuck in my house with my family. Of course if I didn’t have a schedule I wouldn’t get anything done. But I definitely regret the days that blur by where I didn’t step outside even once. I have a garden that calls to me and requires my presence. If I am not caring for children I am caring for my plants - that is how I have motivated myself to be outside each day. Find your motivation, what makes you tick? Is it chatting with people? Hold happy hour on your front porch each weekday. Is it giving back to people? Set up a food drive in your neighborhood, then go check the drop spots every day. Is it staying fit and active? Your exercise routine has now shifted outside, make it work.
Become actively grateful. Parenting with gratitude changes everything (cheatsheet here). I don’t think anything else has made such a big impact on my daily life except maybe committing to therapy. We HAVE to train our brains to see the good in every day - they don’t do this on their own - they lazy. So grab a pen and write down 10 things every single day, and when you feel like you are in a funk list 3 more in your head, and when you a lying in bed at night and can’t sleep, list 20! Looking over our Yesterday’s helps us to fill our Today’s with satisfaction and joy. We do indeed have enough, even in 2020.
Of course people keep saying - stop blaming it on 2020. Our problems as a society are systematic, and need uprooting from the ground up no matter the year. And that goes for the societal set-up around parenting. We have the pressure to be Insta-worthy all the time, the pressure to do well and succeed in the workplace - and on top of that the “invisible load” of grandparent birthdays and planning socially distanced playdates and the next PTA online fundraiser. No wonder our children are unhappy - because we are unhappy.
So let’s take back our happiness. I demand that we use this 2020 perseverance, that gets us through stressful day after stressful day, to become resilient, happy parents instead. Let’s choose to shake things up - and for me that starts with parenting differently.
