Navigating the Inner Mom Dialogue
Gratitude does not function in a vacuum, so when we are ready to look at our mistakes, we must cultivate A gentle voice to allow these growth opportunities to teach us what we need to learn without shame.
So I would ask you to listen carefully during your morning gratitude practice or any moment of stillness for what I call your Loving Anchor. It’s the future-leaning, heart-centric voice that is always there.
Have you ever noticed how easy it is for your inner dialogue to swing negative, where you go right to complaining and resenting and reliving mistakes? Well, that is thanks to the Inner Critic or that other more judgmental and cranky voice that’s always there too.
Using a neutral moment to reflect offers us the chance to learn a new language that can counter our stress response and its overlord; the Inner Critic. We can begin waking up from the “you suck” chant and discover it distracts us from the insights our beautiful inner world offers us.
Now ask yourself: Who would you be if you put down some of the habitual thinking your Inner Critic provides? What if you were exactly the way you are at this moment – perfectly imperfect – and with nothing to fix? If you combine your gratitude practice with the diligent and purposeful work of self-inquiry, you can find yourself on the path to lasting change.
Running counter to our Inner Critic is something that tells you, “It will all work out,” or “You’re doing great,” or even “this feels off or not right” I call that voice/feeling our Loving Anchor. My Loving Anchor is the voice that gets talked over by my Inner Critic, but she is still there. Some may call it our inner wisdom, ring of truth, or authentic voice, but we all have it. It is our forward-looking, hope-filled dreamer of beautiful things.
Unfortunately, over time it gets overshadowed by our Inner Critic. Learning to listen, notice and even separate who is saying what is just another step on our healing journey. When we stop to listen we can discover that we don’t have to believe everything we say to ourselves. Instead, as a psychologist and spiritual teacher Tara Brach says, “We can love ourselves into healing.”
Before we learn more about the Loving Anchor, I want to make sure it’s said that our path forward is not in destroying or ridding ourselves of the Inner Critic – it is an evolutionary reflex. Shutting it completely up really isn’t the best option - why? Well, let’s learn about some mice.
In a study focused on learned habits, a team at MIT had mice run a T-shaped maze. Each time they reached the split in the maze, a different tone was played, which told them to go right or left.
Each option offered a reward (chocolate milk or sugar water), but only one was available based on each tone. They did this routine for a long time to establish a true habit in the mice. They kept this up to the point where the mice still turned correctly at the appropriate tone, even if the reward was not offered. Then the researchers took it a step further and offered the same chocolate milk to the rats, lacing it with a chemical that made them slightly nauseous.
Did they keep drinking the chocolate milk when cued to turn?
No, their survival instinct kicked in there...but that did not stop them from turning. So even though they knew they were turning toward something that would make them sick (and they were determined not to drink it) - they still turned out of habit.
Are we mice? No. But I use this study as a simple example that shows that our path is not towards destroying the Inner Critic - it is an evolutionary reflex or the tone that tells us to turn. We are always going to turn. But what’s important here is we can learn not to drink the milk. We can choose not to accept the content of the criticism, which starts right where we are now, with healing and acceptance.
I am ready to stop drinking the milk, are you? I feel like quieting my Inner Critic would be awesome. And yes, it will always have something to say; I would just love for it to say it in a quieter voice and also without so much emotionally draining energy. But of course, first, we need to notice the milk is making us sick.
This is where we can add our Loving Anchor to the mix. Like I said at the beginning, something in us knows when we are being mean to ourselves. Something tastes the poison in the milk. It’s our Loving Anchor. The simple act of noticing the negative things you are telling yourself can offer a peek into how our brain tries to keep us safe regularly. Once you start to listen, though, you may discover what your Inner Critic has to say can be so out of whack with how you want your future to go - even if it was initially designed to keep you safe. Well, that’s when we can deliberately ask our Loving Anchor to step up. To be brave and overcrowd the bully we were genetically programmed to rely on.
You can find examples of how to teach your Loving Anchor to speak up everywhere around you. In fact, friends can be the best teachers of this kind of caring dialogue. My friend Lane always loves anything I do. She is ten years older than me and acts almost like my fairy godmother in many ways. And she just loves it when I make mistakes – even more so when I share the wisdom of those mistakes with her. (Come to think of it - my therapist likes that too!)
I agree that it is amazing to watch someone learn from their mistakes. I observe my children daily, hoping to catch a glimpse of this moment myself. It’s refreshing to watch them detach from the sticky negative residue and choose to find the wisdom inside their experience instead. The maternal gaze of your Loving Anchor is confident that we will succeed, and it’s baked directly into its soul. The future is full of possibilities, and we will find our way toward them.
When I take the time to go to my loving anchor for soothing, I discover she is kinder than necessary, patient, and accepting. She reminds me that one day is a drop in a vast bucket of a lifetime. She also shares with me that future me will benefit and survive! She fills my heart with love. She doesn’t let my Inner Critic off the hook either. She keeps it on notice: “Just because you have a bad day doesn’t make you a bad person!”
So, what inner voice are you listening to at any given moment?
And is that the one you are going to let drive the bus?
Bonus Activity:
Think of a challenging situation you recently had to deal with or are even in the midst of - maybe it was last night’s bath time battle or the screaming fit you sat through as you drove home from Target. Ask your Loving Anchor to do you a favor. Since she mainly lives in the future in a world where things work out or don't - ask her to send you a quick note on her take on the situation. What would she have to say if she was an older sister or just you in 10 years?
My guess is that maybe at that moment in the car or on the wet floor of the bathroom, your Inner Critic won’t let you off the hook – but I would bet 1 million dollars that your future self does not see it that way. Once you have your Loving Anchor’s words, write them down. They will be your GoodAF Mom Pep Talk.
Your Loving Anchor is your innate wisdom – the voice that cares for you no matter what and already knows your heart’s intention – even if you may not! You are imperfect and still learning, and each day that you notice the conversations going on inside your head instead of riding through on cruise control is another day you add to the pile of compounding change. - Stef
