Mindful Parenting: Finding Balance in Self-Care
So let’s talk about something we never do on the blog - meditation. But don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you should meditate - because I make it my personal mission never to make you feel overburdened (like you need to add new things to your to-do list). The activities I suggest can usually be incorporated into what you are doing already - rocking babies, driving kids to soccer, loading the dishwasher, etc.
I acknowledge that we are all on different chapters of the book of motherhood - some that are more time and energy-demanding than others.
I stay away from meditation because I don’t want you to think it’s the ultimate solution - because it’s just not true. Everything we discuss in this blog concerns accepting who we are, where we are right now, and what we can focus on.
And I never say - “this practice is mandatory for all mothers' health.” I offer what I know, rooted in positive psychology and behavioral science, and I let you try it on for size.
But I always want to be completely honest with you too. Do I meditate? Yes. I meditate six days a week. And I have for years now. My kids are 11 and 14, so that allows me the time and space to stop and be still - but I have also been meditating since they were around 5 and 8, which is a very different age brackets. I practice every weekday morning after my gratitude routine, and I leave the house two nights a week to meditate in a group setting and at yin yoga. And it works for me.
Depending on your motherhood stage, you may be able to include meditation in your healing journey. And if you don’t feel like you have the capacity, then go ahead and skip to another post. But… if you tried it a few times, it didn't work, and you gave up, which is why you don’t do it - then I would probably stick around.
I’m here to tell you that yes, you can meditate – and parent, and work, and sleep, and breathe, and pay bills….and it’s not called ‘doing it all’.
The practice of self-reflection, which often serves as the foundation of meditation, is straightforward and free self-care.
And I get it; we are not encouraged to meditate as mothers — because we are busy, and it won’t solve the bigger societal issues causing moms stress.
But dissing sitting quietly to notice how you feel, makes me uncomfortable — in reality, what we are talking about is taking a moment for self-reflection, for self-care. That could look like sitting for 5 minutes and focusing on your breath, or it could look like walking around the block without a podcast or your phone in the presence of nature alone. Self-reflection CAN help with parents’ problems because it takes the focus off the hectic world we reside in and brings us back to our core, our self, and where we are psychologically.
NO AMOUNT OF SELF-REFLECTION WILL FIX OUR WORK-OBSESSED, “PRETEND YOU DON’T HAVE A FAMILY” CULTURE — BUT IT’S NOT GONNA MAKE IT ANY WORSE EITHER.
In addition to not noticing our burnout or stress, we use distraction and indulgence to ignore or withdraw from bad feelings as they try to reveal themselves. Some of us spend too much money online, watch too much TikTok at work, or maybe drink too much – and yes, I have certainly done all these things too.
Whatever they may be for you — these coping mechanisms, while protectors in themselves, also keep us from discovering when we have hit our mental health wall, and boom! we are in a full-blown Mom Tantrum and don’t know how we got there.
Meditation is not a chance to zone out and “be calm” — and it’s certainly not an escape. Meditation is just a simple practice of self-reflection, and it’s an opportunity to train your brain to notice your state - good, bad, or ugly. Your state is just your mood or fleeting emotion you may be experiencing. And once we can notice our state, we can attend to our needs before s$*& hits the fan. And when we do, it leads to more customized self-care: like, Wow, I feel lonely — maybe I will chat with a friend, or Wow, am I mad - time for a walk outside.
That’s what our “never slow down” culture takes away from us — choices. Insights from a broadened perspective, and our curiosity too. We’re just so exhausted and are lulled into the false notion that we have to go to work and be perfect there and go home and be perfect there, too. We forget to question any of it.
Perfection does not need to be your truth because it can’t be, you’re a parent, and s#%T happens.
And I know, in a state of exhaustion, looking within can feel like a trap, like an unwinnable bargain you will make with the devil. After all, what will you find, and does it matter? But it does. Because you matter. Hustle culture keeps you in motion precisely so you WON’T stop and look within. But that’s where all your answers will lie.
So I would say YES, learn to notice your emotions and moods, and more and more, you will discover all the choices available. How can you do this? Well, it comes from mindfulness. There are many ways to learn mindfulness that we have discussed on this blog - you can try the practice “Hello Moment!” where I talk about Practical Mindfulness or this post where I explain how mindfulness can lead you to the Juicy Pause.
And sitting quietly for 5 to 10 minutes daily can be another way to teach yourself mindfulness.
When you sit, be gentle with yourself, notice thoughts as thoughts, and allow them to come and go. It helps if you have an anchor, use something easy to return to once you notice you have drifted off. I use my breath or listen for my cat, who loves to meow and bump around the room while I sit. Getting distracted doesn’t make you a bad meditator - all meditators get distracted by thoughts; that’s part of the gig. It’s about being kind to yourself or neutral when you notice you have slipped off.
The culture isn’t going to change overnight. The only person that can change overnight is you - and if it were me, I would start with the self-care of a daily moment of reflection and try meditation. Because there’s only one way to find what works for you: to try it ALL. I know you will find what works for you and give it every effort before walking away - because you are already a GoodAF Mom. - Stef
