A Letter to the Lonely Mom

To the mom who feels alone:

Hey Mama,

I hope this letter finds you surrounded by people you love (though I understand that motherhood can sometimes leave us feeling isolated and disengaged even when children are all around.)

I wanted to remind you that you deserve Joy. I know that joy can seem like the farthest thing from your grasp when your world feels heavy and you're tired as F$%& ALL the time. Like it's hiding beneath a mountain of diapers, sleepless nights, and endless tasks of motherhood, trust me. I get it. But here's the thing: Joy doesn't have to be an extra or a luxury reserved for a distant future. It can be right here, right now, within your reach. And that's exactly why I wrote this letter.

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First and foremost, it's okay to feel overwhelmed, burned out, and alone. Motherhood is a journey filled with ups and downs, and it's natural to have moments of doubt or isolation, not to mention society has high expectations of us. But please remember, you are doing an incredible job, and you are a GoodAF Mom.

Now, let's talk about connection as a source for Joy.

Building connections with fellow moms can be a game-changer. When all the tasks of motherhood take up your time, the joy found in friendship may feel like an extra. Seek out local mom groups, parenting classes, or online communities where you can also meet other moms in the grips of chaos. Share your stories, ask for advice, and be open to offering support to others. Sometimes, all it takes is one genuine connection to boost your mood and remind you that you are not alone on this journey.

Sharing our common humanity is a powerful tool that many of us overlook.

Of course, in addition to seeking connections, I encourage you to explore the power of gratitude. Gratitude can act as a nightlight that guides us through our darker moments, legos on the floor and all. Take a few moments each day to reflect on the things you are grateful for. They can be moments of joy in connection, acts of kindness from others, or even the strength you find within yourself. Cultivating gratitude helps shift our perspective and allows us to find beauty in the everyday moments of motherhood.

Maybe you could start a gratitude journal (or find a daily gratitude practice that works for you) where you can reflect on the things you are thankful for each day. This practice helps you focus on the positive aspects of your life and can help you remember what you have and do is enough, no matter how challenging things may seem.

You choose your village.

Remember, it's okay to ask for help. Reach out to friends, family, or professionals who can provide support and lend a listening ear. You deserve a support system that understands and empathizes with what you're going through. Don't hesitate to lean on them during moments when you need a little extra support.

Choose Yourself First

And lastly, be gentle with yourself. Motherhood is filled with constant learning, growth, and love. Embrace the beautiful chaos as much as you can, and know that you are enough and enough is GoodAF. You are never a failure in your children's eyes, and your love and presence make a world of difference.

Sending you strength, love, and the assurance that you are never alone. Together, we can find our people, cultivate gratitude, and navigate the joys and challenges of motherhood.

Don’t ever forget you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef

Mindful Parenting: Finding Balance in Self-Care

So let’s talk about something we never do on the blog - meditation. But don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you should meditate - because I make it my personal mission never to make you feel overburdened (like you need to add new things to your to-do list). The activities I suggest can usually be incorporated into what you are doing already - rocking babies, driving kids to soccer, loading the dishwasher, etc.

I acknowledge that we are all on different chapters of the book of motherhood - some that are more time and energy-demanding than others.

I stay away from meditation because I don’t want you to think it’s the ultimate solution - because it’s just not true. Everything we discuss in this blog concerns accepting who we are, where we are right now, and what we can focus on.

And I never say - “this practice is mandatory for all mothers' health.” I offer what I know, rooted in positive psychology and behavioral science, and I let you try it on for size. 

But I always want to be completely honest with you too. Do I meditate? Yes. I meditate six days a week. And I have for years now. My kids are 11 and 14, so that allows me the time and space to stop and be still - but I have also been meditating since they were around 5 and 8, which is a very different age brackets. I practice every weekday morning after my gratitude routine, and I leave the house two nights a week to meditate in a group setting and at yin yoga. And it works for me.

Depending on your motherhood stage, you may be able to include meditation in your healing journey. And if you don’t feel like you have the capacity, then go ahead and skip to another post. But… if you tried it a few times, it didn't work, and you gave up, which is why you don’t do it - then I would probably stick around.

I’m here to tell you that yes, you can meditate – and parent, and work, and sleep, and breathe, and pay bills….and it’s not called ‘doing it all’.

The practice of self-reflection, which often serves as the foundation of meditation, is straightforward and free self-care.

And I get it; we are not encouraged to meditate as mothers — because we are busy, and it won’t solve the bigger societal issues causing moms stress.

But dissing sitting quietly to notice how you feel, makes me uncomfortable — in reality, what we are talking about is taking a moment for self-reflection, for self-care. That could look like sitting for 5 minutes and focusing on your breath, or it could look like walking around the block without a podcast or your phone in the presence of nature alone. Self-reflection CAN help with parents’ problems because it takes the focus off the hectic world we reside in and brings us back to our core, our self, and where we are psychologically.

NO AMOUNT OF SELF-REFLECTION WILL FIX OUR WORK-OBSESSED, “PRETEND YOU DON’T HAVE A FAMILY” CULTURE — BUT IT’S NOT GONNA MAKE IT ANY WORSE EITHER.

In addition to not noticing our burnout or stress, we use distraction and indulgence to ignore or withdraw from bad feelings as they try to reveal themselves. Some of us spend too much money online, watch too much TikTok at work, or maybe drink too much – and yes, I have certainly done all these things too.

Whatever they may be for you — these coping mechanisms, while protectors in themselves, also keep us from discovering when we have hit our mental health wall, and boom! we are in a full-blown Mom Tantrum and don’t know how we got there.

Meditation is not a chance to zone out and “be calm” — and it’s certainly not an escape. Meditation is just a simple practice of self-reflection, and it’s an opportunity to train your brain to notice your state - good, bad, or ugly. Your state is just your mood or fleeting emotion you may be experiencing.  And once we can notice our state, we can attend to our needs before s$*& hits the fan. And when we do, it leads to more customized self-care: like, Wow, I feel lonely — maybe I will chat with a friend, or Wow, am I mad - time for a walk outside.

@parentdifferently We've heard it all: you can't pour from an empty cup, put your oxygen mask on first, and you can't care for others if you're not caring for yourself. But do we listen? Self-care is so important for moms because the better we feel the better we can serve our kids. #GoodAFMom #MyDolceMoment #selfcareformoms #parentingexpert #momslifebelike #momentsinmotherhood #mommymode #perfectlyimperfct ♬ what happened in 2022 - Hendrix Beckitt

That’s what our “never slow down” culture takes away from us — choices. Insights from a broadened perspective, and our curiosity too. We’re just so exhausted and are lulled into the false notion that we have to go to work and be perfect there and go home and be perfect there, too. We forget to question any of it. 

Perfection does not need to be your truth because it can’t be, you’re a parent, and s#%T happens.

And I know, in a state of exhaustion, looking within can feel like a trap, like an unwinnable bargain you will make with the devil. After all, what will you find, and does it matter? But it does. Because you matter. Hustle culture keeps you in motion precisely so you WON’T stop and look within. But that’s where all your answers will lie.

So I would say YES, learn to notice your emotions and moods, and more and more, you will discover all the choices available. How can you do this? Well, it comes from mindfulness. There are many ways to learn mindfulness that we have discussed on this blog - you can try the practice “Hello Moment!” where I talk about Practical Mindfulness or this post where I explain how mindfulness can lead you to the Juicy Pause. 

And sitting quietly for 5 to 10 minutes daily can be another way to teach yourself mindfulness.

When you sit, be gentle with yourself, notice thoughts as thoughts, and allow them to come and go. It helps if you have an anchor, use something easy to return to once you notice you have drifted off. I use my breath or listen for my cat, who loves to meow and bump around the room while I sit. Getting distracted doesn’t make you a bad meditator - all meditators get distracted by thoughts; that’s part of the gig. It’s about being kind to yourself or neutral when you notice you have slipped off.

The culture isn’t going to change overnight. The only person that can change overnight is you - and if it were me, I would start with the self-care of a daily moment of reflection and try meditation.  Because there’s only one way to find what works for you: to try it ALL. I know you will find what works for you and give it every effort before walking away - because you are already a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

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Yes, you can meditate

Yes, you can meditate — and parent, and work, and sleep, and breathe, and pay the bills....and it’s not called “doing it all”. Self-reflection is simple and free self-care.

I see this a lot in my social feeds: “meditating every day does not solve a working parent’s problems,” and I have to push back. I understand the sentiment of course: our culture doesn’t take care of parents, and that starts first and foremost in the workplace.

But dissing sitting quietly to notice how you feel makes me uncomfortable. Also, I believe referencing “meditation” here doesn’t make any sense - in reality, what we are talking about is taking a moment for self-reflection. That could look like sitting for 5 minutes and focusing on your breath - that could look like walking around the block without a podcast or your phone. Self-reflection CAN help with parents’ problems because it takes the focus off the hectic world we reside in and brings us back to our core, our self, and where we are emotionally.

And so I think this is an apples-to-oranges situation. What they should be saying is that a 5-minute break does not make the stress of modern parenting any better because you still need to endure the demands of a 40-60 hour workweek and no social support from our government.

No amount of Self-reflection will fix our work-obsessed, “pretend you don’t have a family” culture — but it’s not gonna make it any worse either.

How do I know? Well, it starts with the insight of a nine-year-old. One of my sons is a big afterschool talker (either you have an oversharer or a non-sharer, you’ll see). One day last year, he came home and shared that he had a bad stomachache at school, “Mom I was feeling really, really bad, like really bad. So I stopped and took a breath. And it didn’t make me feel better, but it stopped me from feeling worse!”

An adult version of a “stomachache” could be anything: anger, resentment, overwhelm, burnout, or just plain sadness. And we walk around with these aches, not noticing. And when we DO notice, it’s because things get SO bad we have to, and it’s WAY too late. We are burned out and have been stressed for days. We need the skills to notice our stomachaches earlier so we can take the necessary next steps. Instead, what does it take for us to notice? Typically it’s something we can’t ignore: we lose it on our child or our partner, or our body gives out in some way, we push good friends away, we get into a fender bender…

When I had 2 kids under 10 years old, I worked 50-60 hour weeks, traveled, and dealt with start-up hours and investors’ insane demands. One day, I lost all feeling in my left arm - my body had finally had too much. It slammed on the brakes and made me notice how out of alignment my life had become.

In addition to not noticing, we use distraction and indulgence to ignore or withdraw from bad feelings as they try to reveal themselves. Some of us spend too much money online or watch too much TikTok at work — or maybe we drink too much.

Whatever it is — these coping mechanisms keep us from discovering that we have hit our mental health wall and boom! we are in a full-blown Mom Tantrum, and we don’t know how we got there.

I know the people who crap on meditation have hit a mental health wall before — that seems evident from their determination to care for the blights of the working parent. Unfortunately, well-meaning or not, they have got it all wrong. Meditation is not a chance to zone out and “be calm” — and it’s certainly not an escape.

Meditation, or just a simple practice of self-reflection, is the opportunity to train your brain to notice your state - good, bad, or ugly. Your state is just your mood or fleeting emotion you may be experiencing. And once we can notice our state, we can attend to our needs before #$*& hits the fan. We can use this self-reflection technique as simple and accessible self-care. And when we do it leads to more self-care: like a walk outside or chatting with a friend.

I have lived the “Start-Up” life, my husband worked 12-hour days, too, add in that we also were living in one of the most expensive cities in the world, of course, we were exhausted. Until I started to take care of myself, it only felt like it was going to get worse — but as soon as I started taking care of myself, I didn’t get better right away but it stopped getting worse. And I realized that I had choices.

That’s what our “money-as-success” culture takes away from us — choices that come from a broad perspective — and it takes away our curiosity too. We’re just so exhausted and are lulled into the false notion that we have to go to work and be perfect there and go home and be perfect there, too. We forget to question any of it. Perfection does not need to be your truth because it can’t be, you’re a parent, and #&$% happens: your kid gets lice the night before a three-day business trip, or your boss tells you that you need to add another responsibility to your list with no additional pay, or one of your arms becomes unusable and in severe pain (these are all real things that have happened to me!!).

When you are in a state of exhaustion, looking within can feel like a trap, like an unwinnable bargain you will make with the devil - after all what will you find, and does it matter? But it does. Because you matter, and hustle culture keeps you in motion precisely so you WON’T stop and look within. But that’s where all your answers will lie.

So, of course, five or 10 minutes of self-reflection daily will not solve the demands of modern work culture. These two things have nothing to do with one another — yet if you fix one, the other becomes a little more manageable. And you begin to notice what parts of work you like and don’t.

So I would say YES, learn to notice your emotions and moods, and more and more, you will discover all the choices available. How can you do this? Well, you have got to dig yourself out with your own two hands. The government isn’t gonna come save you, and your boss isn’t gonna come save you, and the culture isn’t going to change overnight. The only person that can change overnight is you - and if it were me, I would start with the self-care of a daily moment of reflection. ✌️ - Stef

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A Dreamy Toddler Bedtime Routine

I bet you never thought a Toddler Bedtime Routine could also be dreamy, calm, and relaxed.

I’m guessing bedtime is still a struggle despite the stories, songs, books, and music.

I will ask a few questions that may seem counterintuitive but could help ease this all-to-common parenting battle.

And the first is: What do you want?

I know I will get to the tips in a second, but I want to ensure you are 100% on board. Sometimes we are doing things because we think there is a certain “way” to do them, and speaking from years of experience as a professional nanny, that is totally untrue. There are not many 13-year-olds that still sleep with their parents or wake up a 2 AM and need a glass of milk (and hey, they can get it themselves at that point, so who cares!)

Here are some questions to ask yourself before we move on - there are no right answers, only what your instincts tell you is right:

• Do you want to sleep alone right now? or do you want to sleep with your child?

• What is most important to develop right now in your mind: connection, empathy, independence, self-soothing skills?

• Do you want more kids? Or is this your last child?

• Where do YOU want to sleep right now? In their room with them? or in your bed with your partner? Or in your bed with them in there too?

It may be difficult to figure out the answers to these questions, and that’s ok. I think we have a lot of decisions we have to make daily, and it can feel overwhelming at times. When I feel that way, I lean on what I call my GoodAF Mom intention - my “Why” or, as some people call it, my “Mission Statement.”

For a long time, my intention was to be perfect, and then it was to be a better parent, but now I intend to be a Happy Human. Do you know why? Science shows that a mother’s level of contentment had twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

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In what is called the Millennial Cohort Study, 13,000 UK families were surveyed when their child was 9 months old and then 14 years later, looking specifically at their happiness level. A deeper analysis of divorce rates and well-being surveys shows that a mother's happiness directly affects her children’s mental health, the stability of her relationship with the children’s father, and her closeness to her children when they become teenagers. In fact, the study showed that a mother’s level of contentment had twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

Twice.

So that means you matter. What you want matters Mama. And if you are not being true to yourself your kid will know, you will act in a way that is different. Tips and tricks won’t work for you as well as they may for other parents. And so you got to stop and Choose You.

And so here are some ideas for a dreamy toddler bedtime routine.

No matter where your toddler sleeps now that they are 15 months and older they will be the leader. They want this freedom to choose - to be in charge - so let them.

You can do this by paying attention to what arguments you have the most - is it over the number of books or when they brush their teeth or what PJs to wear? These are your cues that they want input.

I’m a Type A Mom, so I would make a visual chart of all the bedtime routine items - not so that you can follow it to a T, but so they can pick what they want to do next without your input. I would place non-negotiables on the chart in a different color and then ask them to pick the orders of the others. It doesn’t make sense to brush your teeth before milk - but you can always wait till after PJs are put on. I have included a free downloadable Toddler Choice Chart here with space to add your own items too.

Here are some other tips:

• Come up with three rules that work for your family and stick to them. Ours are: Calm Body, Quiet Mouth, Stay in Bed. These get recited every night multiple times.

• Make sure the time before bed is one of deep connection - that’s why books work so well. Feeling connected will help your child to feel safe and secure.

• If your child wants you to stay and you don’t want to, give them a time limit and set a visual timer like a Time Timer. And when it is done, leave. They will be upset at first but promise to check on them - tap into their independent streak and ask if they want to be checked in 7 minutes or 10 minutes. And then do that over and over but increase the time limit until they drift off without your help. Yes, the first night, you may have to do this for 2 hours, but that won’t last.

• If you bedshare and your child wants you to stay, and you want to, then stay! Get some extra sleep and get up earlier the next day to do the dishes — they will still be there. You can do this for a few weeks and then begin the process of teaching them to sleep independently another time or you can do it for one night and go back to the timer method above.

• If your child does not settle, it’s time to teach the three stages of sleep: Self-regulation, self-settling, and self-soothing. You can help with self-regulation or calming down: listen to a bedtime meditation together or if that’s too stimulating read a book like The Middle of the Night Book that teaches them how to do a bodyscan. Self-settling is something they need to do on their own that’s physiologically switching from an awakened mode to a sleep mode. And then self-soothing is the method you use to regulate your emotions as you fall asleep. This skill is also something that takes time to learn (like a lifetime) and is an independent sleep skill. When your child is very young a lovey, stuffy or something to hold will help them to feel connected to you which can help with self-soothing. Make it easy to bridge the gap by sleeping with that item yourself prior to introducing it — so it smells like you.

• Once you choose a mode of sleep, try to stay consistent - so if they are going to bedshare make sure the bed is set up as their area too. And if you want it to be for a certain amount of time set a limit or boundary ahead of time - “When the summer comes we/you will start sleeping in your room but right now its fine to share my bed”

The most important thing is that you feel confident about your bedtime choices, Mama. Your well-being and your health are what matter most. And don’t forget - because you made it all the way to the end of this article (and even if you made it two sentences in) I know for a fact that you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef

Other Articles on Sleep:

The 4C's: Going Beyond Self-Care

The 4C’s help me to maintain my well-being on a regular basis ✨or when something happens and I discover I am off track.

When I feel ‘off’ it’s usually because I am skipping one of them.

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Here they are:
1. Care
2. Create
3. Connect
4. Contribute
ps. the 5th C is chocolate for me! What would it be for you?

Care is important but it also seems easier now that I have made it my intention to be happy - and my kids are older. I have time for self-care. I can take a few moments and go to the beach if I need to or just meditate for 5 minutes after lunch. Speaking of lunch - just eating lunch is care.

Create means to make something - let’s bring some beauty into this world! It can be through art, of course, but creating something could be as simple as a tasty dinner that has a bit of pizzaz. You could create a beautiful sandcastle while playing with your toddler at the park. You could make music together or alone. Anything that brings more beauty into this world and ignites the senses will work.

Connect. Connection is our quickest way to regulation. Studies have shown this time and time again that negative emotions are immediately trumped by a few minutes of good quality human interaction - and that can be as simple as being kind to your barista or asking your neighbor how their day was. It doesn’t have to be a deep soul-filling conversation with your bestie - but of course, that’s good too.

Contribute. Probably the most overlooked C on the list- at least for me. When I feel “off” typically it’s because I haven’t been of service that day, or maybe the way I do “give back” has become stagnated. The “tend and befriend” aspect of coping with stress has been studied a lot and scientists have discovered time and again that many people regulate stress best by being with other people. That includes either through caring for others (tend) or interacting conversationally (befriend). We are wired to be together - in fact, there are three zones of the brain that are activated through reaching out to help another human. That’s a lot of positive reinforcement. So if you’re stressed, it may seem counterintuitive, but finding a way to help someone will help.

The 5th C is chocolate for me - and is really a joke. Of course, we all have our ways of “dealing” and in my book, a little bit of chocolate makes me happy and it doesn’t numb me. If I can stop eating at one or two pieces I know that it’s not an unhealthy coping mechanism but a source of enjoyment and satisfaction instead.

How will the 4 C’s apply to your daily grind? I am excited to find out. Leave a comment below and let me know!

How to be a #GoodAFMom

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James Clear, author of Atomic Habits has a famous quote:

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems…Your system is the collection of daily habits that will get you there.

It made me wonder if I had been explaining my mission clearly enough to people. Parenting differently with gratitude - but how? And what is the goal? Well, there really isn’t a goal. There’s only the person I want to be: the happy parent who shows up.

A long time ago probably right after the birth of my motherhood, I made the intention to be a better parent. To break the cycle that I had survived, and to be a kind, attentive mother who raised kind, compassionate kids.

Well, that lasted a while, but along the way the realities of modern motherhood woke the Kraken deep inside, revealing my childhood trauma and my firey Inner Critic, fueled by expansive self-doubt, and stoked by an even larger store of perfectionism.

The intention of being a “better parent” was actually making my day-to-day worse. It kept reminding me of just how much of a not-so-good parent I was - and I was losing the parts of me I loved as they were sucked into the black hole of negativity, resentment, and shame.

Let’s just say I had fallen to the level of my systems and those systems were unintentional parenting and basically one big ball of reactivity and yelling. You know — what I was modeled as a child.

I just wanted to be happy but all I felt like was a Bad Mom. Things had to change. The whole system was F-ed from the original intention down to the daily habits, I needed to start anew.

And so I decided my intention would be to be a happy person instead. If I was happy I knew all the other stuff would fall into place, it just had to. It took the focus off my kids and put it on me, this intention asked me to take a look at my triggers as well as look for things that were good AF about my life already.

With a new intention, I set out to change my “process” or the daily habits that kept me stuck in resentment and yelling because Damn It! my kids were a reflection of my success and things were not going well.

Spoiler Alert: I made it out of the Bad Mom cycle - and I have added habits along the way that only serve to solidify my happiness, I got rid of my Mom Guilt, and I became a better partner and mother along the way. Listed below are the steps I took — over three years mind you!

I hope that in time you too can take these steps and find a new collection of daily activities that help you to rise each morning feeling good AF and not like a failure because you no longer subscribe to the unreachable goal of Parent of the Year.

The new system:

Commit to daily gratitude. Take what can sometimes be a fleeting emotion, and teach your brain to embrace a more permanent state of grateful living.

The process:

Each step is anchored in a new skill (in parenthesis) that will help you to achieve each step over time.

For science-based activities and more on each skill join my 12-week free email series - and you will be guided through one skill a week.

1. Wake up a bit earlier, nothing crazy, just like 5 minutes earlier. (Courage)

2. Write down 10 things you are grateful for - this trains your brain away from the negativity bias. (Gratitude)

3. Remind yourself your children don’t know your past traumas or the emotional burdens you may carry. (Equanimity)

4. Then remind yourself that they are new to this planet. (Empathy)

5. Go through your day and observe your children with the same awe and wonder they observe the world. (Joy and Delight)

6. Start saying out loud the nice things that are already in your head. (Affirmations)

7. Begin noticing when you’re upset and what your expectations were at that moment. (Mindfulness)

8. Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. (Compassion)

9. Mentally list 3 things you're grateful for as you get into bed. (Courage)

10. Remind yourself of one thing that went well during the day. (Self Reflection)

Are you ready to set a new intention? If you are go ahead and do it now because that’s the easy part. Then you need the courage to change one daily habit, to commit to the compound effect of daily gratitude, and then watch over the coming year as your self-doubt, isolation, and shame dissapaer. And don’t forget - you are already a #GoodAFMom - Stef

25 Free Self Care Ideas

Self-care for mothers doesn’t mean running a bath because a certain product will “soothe” you — it means if you are going to take a bath doing so in a way that fills you up, in a way that supports your needs and wants at that moment in time.

• Is it your need to have mom alone time? Then make sure your partner understands using solid communication that you can’t be interrupted for 60 minutes. In the end, it’s clear communication and asking for support that is self-care.

• Do you want to take a moment to set goals for the next week? Then make sure you bring the items you need into the bathroom with you. Self-care here is having a plan and getting prepared for your week.

• Maybe it’s the need to reset your nervous system with Enya and low lighting. If that’s the case make sure that you are set up for success and choose a time that will be a bit quieter in the house. That may mean no shared TV watching with your partner just this one night.

This is self-care. It’s a “choose yourself” mentality that gives us the opportunity to look at what is lacking in our roles are mothers (whether it’s needs or wants) and try to fulfill some of them. And it certainly should not be once a month — more like every few days. Maybe you sit in your car, turn up Britney Spears, and dance your head off on Monday, then drink an extra glass of water on Friday - if you feel cared for, then that’s good enough for this week.

If we look at self-care in the same light as we do caring for our children then we would not only meet our needs but also our wants and we can redefine it as self-mothering or simply just as CARE.

Below I provided a list of 25 ways to mother yourself on a weekly basis. My favorite is the one I do each week called Dad Fun Night. Every Monday night I disappear at 7:00 pm. Sometimes I leave the house, and sometimes I stay home but I become unavailable to the point where I wear noise-canceling headphones to make sure I am not sticking my fingers into any sticky situation that arises. My partner is in charge and I am gone.

Sometimes, my kids complain, and I say, “Why would you complain about Dad Fun Night!? What does Dad have planned that’s going to be fun?” and then I look at him because at least once a week he needs to figure it out — and over the years he has and he has created a new layer to the bond he has with our boys that maybe they wouldn’t have had.

So everyone benefits in the end, but it came from that first push, me saying, “I need one night where I’m not in charge.” That push was self-care.

take a look at the list. they’re all free and they’re all things that most of us can do. if you have more leave a comment below so that we can help each other out.

Health & Fitness

Add one glass of water to your day.

Dance party to college club music at nap time.

Meal prep yourself some easy, grab-and-go lunches for the week on Sunday.

Moisturize your hands after each diaper change hand wash.

Keep your toothbrush with your kids and brush when they brush.

Personal Development

Clean and organize one drawer.

Dress up or wear makeup “just because”.

Make a list of goals for the year - or month.

Sit in the car outside your house and jam out to your favorite song before going in.

Listen to a podcast on headphones, or put in earplugs while you make dinner, and put your partner in charge.

Spiritual

Follow the hashtag #artistmom on Instagram and fill your feed with color and beauty.

Make a list of gratitude every day.

Each lunch outside.

Look out the window and list all the colors you can find - see if your child can add any fun ones to the list.

Notice when things are beautiful, a certain melody, a colorful flower, a stranger’s kindness. Really pay attention to the good in our world.

Relationships

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Ask your partner for support.

Ask your friends for support.

Teach your children the language of boundaries.

Establish an emoji that you can text to your partner when you feel worried, upset, or frustrated.

Maintain nap time, even after they drop their nap, as “quiet time”, set a timer for a reasonable amount of time.

Quality of Life

Ask a friend at the park to watch your kids for 10 minutes while you take a walk around the block, then take hers so she can do the same.

Take one night a week off completely. Disappear from view.

Take 30 min off your phone each day, put it on the charger, and in Do Not Disturb mode. Set a timer.

Lay on the couch and read a book for the entirety of nap time. Pick one day to do this weekly.

Make a recipe from your childhood.

Ready for more? Join my 12-week email series called Parenting with Gratitude. It’s free.

Parenting with Gratitude Email Series

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Parenting with Gratitude Email Series ☀️

Parent Differently in 12 Weeks

The timing to establish a new habit varies wildly from person to person. Studies have shown people can learn a new habit in as little as 66 days - but for some, it can take over 200.

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I think 12 weeks is a safe bet for most people - and so I put together a free email series called Parenting with Gratitude™. It takes you on a 12-week journey where you will learn new habits and fun activities to boost your well-being and lessen the stressors of parenting in the modern world.

I love this series - it is the basis of my upcoming book called Parenting with Gratitude™: Parent Differently in 12 Weeks and I put everything I have learned over the past 13 years of motherhood into it. I am living these practices on the daily and let me tell you things are better around here!

My readers love the series too! I have never opened a weekly email newsletter consistently and over 3 months - but MAMAS ARE DOING IT and its AMAZING! I am so excited that what I have to say resonates so much that for 3 months readers stick with me.

Not one parenting book has ever focused exclusively on gratitude, a well-studied emotional state, habit, and trait that has been proven to provide a variety of measurable benefits - decreased depression rates, increased immune function, and cognitive rewiring, all happening in measurable periods of time.

Making use of rich personal insights and evidence-based practices, the Parenting with Gratitudes™ email series (and eventually the book too!) takes the reader on a 12-week journey where they will learn to: 

• notice how great of a parent they already are, 

• learn to choose themselves first, 

• lower their expectations,

• take ownership of parenting imperfectly,

• and to remain calm amongst the chaos of modern life.

I hope you join me on this fun and action-packed journey! - Stef

How to Overcome Gratitude Resistance

Let’s talk about gratitude resistance. I know I’ve got to do it, I’ve read all the pieces that tell me it will rewire my brain, but I just can’t get started.

You know that a daily gratitude practice will change your parenting mindset and you even know that it doesn’t take much time but you still can't get started?

Still, holding out? Bring curiosity to it. Curiosity is the key to overcoming resistance.

Check-in with yourself. Are you afraid to ask, “Why won’t I do this for me?”

We are all afraid to dig deeper under the resistance because it could mean that we'd have to pause. We'd have to take a break from all our running around, our busy, busy world, and in that pause maybe we will notice that our lives are not working for us? Oops.

I don’t want to go there and drown. So let’s not. Let’s find a way to be curious without drowning in the unmet needs we are not ready to poke at yet.

Instead, let’s focus on the results of that daily gratitude practice. I swear that once you feel the results of daily gratitude the big existential questions get answered!

So let’s swap being afraid of what will be uncovered and get excited for what may come. Scientists say more small moments of positivity make the biggest impact on our mindset and well-being. And excitement is a small positive moment. So is gratitude. And the process of self-reflection can help you to find more moments just watch.

Maybe your curious moment is as simple as asking: Just what did I miss yesterday that I can savor today? What have I already forgotten?

And so you get excited about discovering the result. This is the beginning of turning your brain towards positivity and pulling your focus away from the negative. Because when you do, your daily gratitude practice will train your brain to see how great of a mother you already are. And I want that for you.

I know from my personal experience, that my life has dramatically changed since I started to pause and reflect. Sure I do not have toddlers anymore and my kids are in school. But my kids have been in school all day for six years. And during those six years, three of them I was a mess. I was not delegating. I was not choosing myself first. And I certainly wasn't communicating with my partner.

The need for self-care is real. It’s giving yourself the space to look at your resistance and say Ok! I am ready for a change. And self-care is not sitting in a bathtub either. It's when you're in that tub, and you have the space enough to do the self-reflection needed — then you make an intention, and maybe that intention to ask for help. Maybe that is exactly the motivation you need to talk about daily chores in the household with your partner.

Self-care is about action, it’s about taking the next steps after you've carved out that small moment of peace.

So I will leave you with that. And I hope that this week, you sit down with yourself and ask “Am I taking care?” and “Where I am excited to get started?”

And if you're looking for a simple place to start find a way to insert gratitude into your daily routine. Five days of the week. Just do it because the compound effect of doing it every day will kick in I promise, but it won't kick in if you don't start. Good luck. - Stef