A Connected, Calm, Baby Bedtime Routine

Are you struggling to get your baby to sleep independently?

Despite the stories, songs, books, and music, your child still needs you to fall asleep, and the whole song and dance of a “routine” is starting to feel frustrating. Well, I hear you on that - a routine does seem like a big waste of time if you are going to spend another hour sitting in their room bouncing or rocking or soothing.

So let’s figure this out. Let’s review a few questions that may seem counterintuitive but could help ease this all-to-common parenting battle.

What do you want?

Obviously, it’s sleep. And while you want what’s best for your baby, you also want sleep. Don’t underestimate the importance of your needs during these next few months.

I will get to the tips below, but I want to ensure you are 100% on board. Sometimes we do things because we think there is a certain “way” to do them and speaking from years of experience as a professional nanny, there is not one way. So there’s room for it to be your way.

Questions to consider before moving forward, with no right answers, only what feels right for you:

Do you want to sleep alone at night? Or do you want to sleep with your child?
What does your partner want?
What is most important to you to develop now: connection, empathy, independence, or self-soothing skills?
Do you want more kids? Or is this your last child?
Where do YOU want to sleep right now? In their room with them? or your bed with your partner? Or everybody in your room or bed?

Determining the answers to these questions may be challenging, which is ok. We have many decisions made daily, and it can sometimes feel overwhelming. When I feel that way, I lean on what I call my GoodAF Mom intention - my “Why”: I intend to show up as my best self for my kids. Do you know why? Science shows that a mother’s level of contentment has twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

Twice.

Maybe that freaks you out a little - I certainly feel overwhelmed, but maybe we can look at it differently...

Maybe it means that you matter.

And what you want matters, Mama. If you are not being true to yourself, you act in ways that don’t feel right. And so you got to stop and CHOOSE YOURSELF.

That’s why I asked those questions initially - because you matter. I want you to be happy above all else.

And so, here are some ideas for a dreamy baby bedtime routine.

No matter where your baby sleeps, the number one priority of bedtime is connection. They are tired, their guard is down, and trust is essential to their nervous system. Connection helps a baby feel safe. And your second priority is predictability — for all the same reasons.

More about the Book Here

I know many parents who say they can’t stand a routined life, and although I am Type A, I understand. It’s just not how some people’s personalities work. If you are not into a 10-step baby bedtime routine, that is fine, choose 1 or 2 things that you do every night in the same order and then habit stack. Maybe the last thing you do before putting them in the crib is the same, and the last thing you do before walking out their door is also. Find what works and is predictable to them enough.

A baby's bedtime routine could look something like this:

During their nightly bath, you put your phone in another room and talk and play with them during those 10 minutes — like they are the only star in the sky. And then, when you get them out, always do the same thing. For example, you sing the same song as you towel dry them and put their lotion and diaper on; then you always say the same affirmation as you look in the mirror together and wave bye-bye to Mr.Rubber Ducky as you head to their room. See how there is a mix of connection and predictability to that routine?

Connection + Predictability = Calm Baby Bedtime

Connection is vital at bedtime because it helps stimulate the production of the love hormone Oxytocin. Oxytocin has been proven to lower stress levels in the body, especially by inhibiting the production of cortisol, the stress hormone that helps you wake up in the morning! Not great for bedtime.

Predictability is essential for young babies because their language skills are minimal. They use their super smart brains for pattern recognition, so if every night you put their sleep sack on before they go in their crib, this provides a signal for not only sleep but also for what part of the evening you are on - it’s close to the end, but it’s not the end yet. In fact, studies show the more predictable you are in your parenting style, the more emotional regulation your child will learn.

HERE ARE SOME OTHER TIPS:

Come up with two or three rules that work for your family. These get recited every night multiple times. I know it seems “big kid” to have rules, but coming up with a catchphrase or something that is said every night is important for babies because it lays the groundwork for toddlerhood, and it is a predictable sleep cue.
Make sure the time before bed is one of deep connection - that’s why books work so well. Feeling connected will help your child to feel safe and secure.
If your baby screams when you put them down, and you don’t want to stay until they fall asleep, spend the money on a sleep consultant. It will be 100% worth it - much more than any SNOO or vibrating bed ever will be because a sleep consultant will teach you what you need to know for the sleep regressions to come, and there are a few!
If your baby screams when you put them down, and you want to stay, make the room work for an adult. Put a twin mattress in there and get comfortable. My biggest regret is that I spend so many nights sleeping IN a crib with my youngest. My back still hurts. I think it’s ok to sleep in their room while they are babies - it really comes down to what you want and what you think you can handle right now. In the future, you can always adjust - don’t get caught up in society’s BS about unbreakable habits because there are none.
If you bed share or have a co-sleeping crib and your baby wants you to stay, and you want to, then stay! Get some extra sleep and get up earlier the next day to do the dishes — or let your partner do it. You can do this for a few weeks and then begin the process of teaching them to sleep independently another time or you can do it for one night and go back to sleep learning. Connect, and don’t regret it.
Learn about the three stages of sleep: Self-regulation, self-settling, and self-soothing. You can help with self-regulation or calming down: listen to lullabies together, or if that’s too stimulating, read a book like The Middle of the Night Book that teaches a body scan meditation. Self-settling is something they need to do on their own, that’s physiologically switching from an awakened mode to a sleep mode. You can help that process by providing a super dark room to sleep in. And then self-soothing is the method you use to regulate your emotions as you fall asleep. This skill also takes time to learn (like a lifetime) and is an independent sleep skill. When your child is very young, a pacifier, lovey, or something to hold will help them to feel connected to you, which can help with self-soothing. Make it easy to bridge the gap by sleeping with that item yourself before introducing it — so it smells like you.
Most importantly, you feel confident about your bedtime choices, Mama. Your well-being and your health matter, And don’t forget - because you made it all the way to the end of this article (and even if you made it two sentences in), I know for a fact that you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef