Where should my 2-year-old sleep and other questions...

I am going to answer a few questions over the coming month about how to handle common Childhood Sleep problems.

• Where should a 2-year-old sleep?

• If your 4-year-old wakes over and over in the middle of the night, what should you do?

• If your 6-year-old still wets the bed, is that OK?

This week it’s: Where should a 2-year-old sleep?

OK, so if you have this question, your toddler is probably not sleeping where you’d like them to, right? Well, before I even get to the advice I have as a long-time professional nanny, I want to say that kids’ sleeping arrangements vary depending on a ton of factors, including cultural practices, individual preferences, and safety considerations. The arrangement should not depend on what society says you should do or what your mother-in-law thinks is right or “normal.” If you can, start this process by talking to your partner and coming up with a plan that feels best for you and your family as a whole.

Here are some common options for a 2-year-old's sleeping arrangement:

(I also made you a Pinterest Board of options if you are a visual learner - follow me here)

• A Toddler-Sized Bed: Many parents transition their 2-year-olds from cribs to toddler beds at this age because many kids start to climb out or are ready to learn more independent skills. A toddler-sized bed is specifically designed for toddlers and typically features safety sides to prevent falls or you can add your own rail. Toddler beds provide a sense of independence while maintaining a secure sleeping environment. Cons to this choice are they are free to roam their room, which means if you haven’t babyproofed, you will need to.

• A Shared Bed: Some families choose to co-sleep with their toddlers, allowing the family to sleep in the same bed. The pros to co-sleeping are a sense of closeness and it does help to make nighttime parenting easier, particularly for kids who wake up a lot or are still breastfeeding. Cons to co-sleeping at 2 years old are generally around space issues and parental privacy (and, to be honest, whether or not you are “touched out” because you spend the entire daytime with your child too).

• Room Sharing: Another option is to have your 2-year-old sleep in the same room as you but in a separate bed. Pros: Room sharing promotes a feeling of security for more sensitive temperaments and allows you to respond quickly to your child's needs if they wake in the night. Cons to this option are if you have a child who wants to sleep in your bed, they will end up there most nights.

• Independent Room: If you do not want to bed share, then the option is to have them sleep in their own room. This can promote a sense of independence and provide everyone with an environment for uninterrupted sleep. I strongly suggest minimizing toy options to a few they like, and un-rippable books, and, of course, childproof. After that, it’s up to you to choose between a toddler bed or a twin mattress on the floor.

• Independent Room Bed-Share: Finally, you can set up their room as stated above but provide a mattress on the floor big enough for you both. So if you like the pros of co-sleeping but are looking for a little privacy and alone time, this option offers the ability to tag-team with your partner every few nights and still be comfortable.

In the end, the choice of where a 2-year-old should sleep depends on what you want. Do you want to sleep with your child each night? Do you want to put them to bed and then have a night on your own? Do you have other kids who have different needs? Etc.

Also, it’s important to state that teaching a child to fall asleep independently can be taught using a shared bed and/or in their own room. To do this, you need to create a sleep environment that supports healthy sleep habits (and is safe), and then you need a bedtime routine and behavior plan. Consulting with your pediatrician or a sleep consultant can really help when it comes to bedtime battles.

Here are some experts and references that you can consult for further info:

• First of all, try my book: The Middle of the Night Book, if you have a child who fights sleep or wakes in the middle of the night. The book uses a body-scan meditation to help your child notice their sleepiness, and it’s also a great book to wind down with for parents.

• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP): The AAP provides guidelines and recommendations on various aspects of child health, including sleep. Their website offers resources on safe sleep practices and age-appropriate sleeping arrangements for toddlers. You can visit their official website at www.aap.org.

• Dr. Jodi Mindell: Dr. Jodi Mindell is an OG pediatric sleep expert and author of the book "Sleeping Through the Night: How Infants, Toddlers, and Their Parents Can Get a Good Night's Sleep." Her work focuses on understanding and improving sleep patterns in children of different ages, including toddlers.

• National Sleep Foundation (NSF): The NSF is a nonprofit organization that promotes healthy sleep and provides information on sleep-related topics. They offer resources on sleep guidelines for different age groups, including toddlers. Visit their website at www.sleepfoundation.org

• Sleep Consultants: Experts like these can provide personalized plans tailored to your child's specific needs and circumstances. These professionals have expertise in child development and can offer practical advice on sleep routines and appropriate sleeping arrangements for 2-year-olds. My recommendation is Mindful Sleep.

  Remember always to consider your child's unique personality and your own needs when deciding this all. And no matter what you choose (and whether it works or not), you are a GoodAF Mom! - Stef

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Mindful Sleep - with Sleep Consultant Yasmin Johnston

Podcast Guest:

Yasmin Johnston:

pediatric sleep consultant and mom.

Yasmin and I chatted recently on the Podcast about toddler sleep disruptions, what a night doula is, and so much more.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

Your Question for the POdcast

Podcast Question

Our question today was the following:

My almost 4-year-old has developed a bad habit of waking in the middle of the night and coming into my room to ask for water, milk, etc, every night, and I am exhausted. What do I do? Also, should I hire a night doula to get some sleep, and then they can teach him not to get up?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation and Yasmin's advice. First I asked her just what a Night Doula is:

Yasmin: “So a Night Doula, you'd be hiring them on and they're typically not doing the sleep training. They might do some education or helping with setting the boundaries. But they may not have the experience in the formal sleep training when it comes to toddlers. A night doula can be a little bit pricey, especially depending on where you live so there's that to consider. A sleep consultant in this situation would help you with figuring out the different boundaries that work for your family, and doing the formal sleep training. Usually within two to three weeks for one set price you're able to have your child sleeping in their bed all night.”

So if you want to correct the behavior and want to give it a try on your own to start, what should you do?

Yasmin: “The thing that we want to achieve here is to correct this behavior. You know toddlers, they love to push boundaries and so once it's allowed, like you let something happen one time, they think that it's okay to do this every single time and so it's putting that firm boundary in place; “It's time for sleep.” You can do water before they go to bed and say, “Okay this is our last chance for water” or since the child is a little bit older if they don't have issues with going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you can allow them to have a water bottle in their room. Just know that they may be getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and so then you have to think about are they going to require your assistance if they have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? But for milk I usually say, “We don't do milk at night, if you need water you have a water bottle in your bed or on your nightstand.”

Some other takeaways from our conversation:

• Personally, I love to have a list of clear rules for bedtime. Start these early, like when they are a baby, and keep it to 2 or 3 very specific items. My kids had the following rules: Calm body, Quiet Mouth, Stay in your Bed. Say them every night or when you leave the room which could be multiple times a night lol!

• You can also use a nighttime checklist they can consult BEFORE calling you - you can sign up for my free checklist below.

• And finally, and probably the most crucial step to a successful bedtime: Connection.

Yasmin: “The mom has to go to work all day right? So, she's going to work and then when she gets home it's just craziness, getting dinner done, doing this, doing that, and then bedtime — but slowing down and taking 10 minutes of connection time with with your child before bed — especially if you're away from each other all day matters. They're going to need that little bit of connection time: whether it's active play, or sitting down together and reading a book together, or even just having the child pick an activity and you sit there and play along — but without being too inquisitive, without asking your child a million questions. Just saying things like “Oh, I love that you chose the red car, I'm going to choose a red car too” Letting them know that you value their choices and their likes and dislikes and really being fully into them during that play time is enough.”

You can learn more about Mindful Sleep and Yasmin’s offerings on her website mindfulsleepconsulting.com and make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

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A Connected, Calm, Baby Bedtime Routine

Are you struggling to get your baby to sleep independently?

(Have a toddler? Click here).

Despite the stories, songs, books, and music, your child still needs you to fall asleep, and the whole song and dance of a “routine” is starting to feel frustrating. Well, I hear you on that - a routine does seem like a big waste of time if you are going to spend another hour sitting in their room bouncing or rocking or soothing.

So let’s figure this out. Let’s review a few questions that may seem counterintuitive but could help ease this all-to-common parenting battle.

What do you want?

Obviously, it’s sleep. And while you want what’s best for your baby, you also want sleep. Don’t underestimate the importance of your needs during these next few months.

I will get to the tips below, but I want to ensure you are 100% on board. Sometimes we do things because we think there is a certain “way” to do them and speaking from years of experience as a professional nanny, there is not one way. So there’s room for it to be your way.

Questions to consider before moving forward, with no right answers, only what feels right for you:

• Do you want to sleep alone at night? Or do you want to sleep with your child?

• What does your partner want?

• What is most important to you to develop now: connection, empathy, independence, or self-soothing skills?

• Do you want more kids? Or is this your last child?

• Where do YOU want to sleep right now? In their room with them? or your bed with your partner? Or everybody in your room or bed?

Determining the answers to these questions may be challenging, which is ok. We have many decisions made daily, and it can sometimes feel overwhelming. When I feel that way, I lean on what I call my GoodAF Mom intention - my “Why”: I intend to show up as my best self for my kids. Do you know why? Science shows that a mother’s level of contentment has twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

Twice.

Maybe that freaks you out a little - I certainly feel overwhelmed, but maybe we can look at it differently...

Maybe it means that you matter.

And what you want matters, Mama. If you are not being true to yourself, you act in ways that don’t feel right. And so you got to stop and CHOOSE YOURSELF.

That’s why I asked those questions initially - because you matter. I want you to be happy above all else.

And so, here are some ideas for a dreamy baby bedtime routine.

No matter where your baby sleeps, the number one priority of bedtime is connection. They are tired, their guard is down, and trust is essential to their nervous system. Connection helps a baby feel safe. And your second priority is predictability — for all the same reasons.

I know many parents who say they can’t stand a routined life, and although I am Type A, I understand. It’s just not how some people’s personalities work. If you are not into a 10-step baby bedtime routine, that is fine, choose 1 or 2 things that you do every night in the same order and then habit stack. Maybe the last thing you do before putting them in the crib is the same, and the last thing you do before walking out their door is also. Find what works and is predictable to them enough.

A baby's bedtime routine could look something like this:

During their nightly bath, you put your phone in another room and talk and play with them during those 10 minutes — like they are the only star in the sky. And then, when you get them out, always do the same thing. For example, you sing the same song as you towel dry them and put their lotion and diaper on; then you always say the same affirmation as you look in the mirror together and wave bye-bye to Mr.Rubber Ducky as you head to their room. See how there is a mix of connection and predictability to that routine?

Connection + Predictability = Calm Baby Bedtime

Connection is vital at bedtime because it helps stimulate the production of the love hormone Oxytocin. Oxytocin has been proven to lower stress levels in the body, especially by inhibiting the production of cortisol, the stress hormone that helps you wake up in the morning! Not great for bedtime.

Predictability is essential for young babies because their language skills are minimal. They use their super smart brains for pattern recognition, so if every night you put their sleep sack on before they go in their crib, this provides a signal for not only sleep but also for what part of the evening you are on - it’s close to the end, but it’s not the end yet. In fact, studies show the more predictable you are in your parenting style, the more emotional regulation your child will learn.

HERE ARE SOME OTHER TIPS:

• Come up with two or three rules that work for your family. These get recited every night multiple times. I know it seems “big kid” to have rules, but coming up with a catchphrase or something that is said every night is important for babies because it lays the groundwork for toddlerhood, and it is a predictable sleep cue.

• Make sure the time before bed is one of deep connection - that’s why books work so well. Feeling connected will help your child to feel safe and secure.

• If your baby screams when you put them down, and you don’t want to stay until they fall asleep, spend the money on a sleep consultant. It will be 100% worth it - much more than any SNOO or vibrating bed ever will be because a sleep consultant will teach you what you need to know for the sleep regressions to come, and there are a few!

• If your baby screams when you put them down, and you want to stay, make the room work for an adult. Put a twin mattress in there and get comfortable. My biggest regret is that I spend so many nights sleeping IN a crib with my youngest. My back still hurts. I think it’s ok to sleep in their room while they are babies - it really comes down to what you want and what you think you can handle right now. In the future, you can always adjust - don’t get caught up in society’s BS about unbreakable habits because there are none.

• If you bed share or have a co-sleeping crib and your baby wants you to stay, and you want to, then stay! Get some extra sleep and get up earlier the next day to do the dishes — or let your partner do it. You can do this for a few weeks and then begin the process of teaching them to sleep independently another time or you can do it for one night and go back to sleep learning. Connect, and don’t regret it.

• Learn about the three stages of sleep: Self-regulation, self-settling, and self-soothing. You can help with self-regulation or calming down: listen to lullabies together, or if that’s too stimulating, read a book like The Middle of the Night Book that teaches a body scan meditation. Self-settling is something they need to do on their own, that’s physiologically switching from an awakened mode to a sleep mode. You can help that process by providing a super dark room to sleep in. And then self-soothing is the method you use to regulate your emotions as you fall asleep. This skill also takes time to learn (like a lifetime) and is an independent sleep skill. When your child is very young, a pacifier, lovey, or something to hold will help them to feel connected to you, which can help with self-soothing. Make it easy to bridge the gap by sleeping with that item yourself before introducing it — so it smells like you.

  Most importantly, you feel confident about your bedtime choices, Mama. Your well-being and your health matter, And don’t forget - because you made it all the way to the end of this article (and even if you made it two sentences in), I know for a fact that you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef

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Toddler Sleep Tools

What should my toddler sleep in? and other questions about toddler sleep.

Let’s start by making sure you are in the right place. Do you have a toddler? Typically toddlers are grouped into a different category than babies because of the developmental milestones they are going through: mainly becoming a little less dependent on us for EVERYTHING — they are starting to walk, talk, and, unfortunately, climb, lol.

Typically, Toddlers are defined as children ages 15 months to 36 months. 

So what is the difference between a successful toddler sleep routine and their “baby” routine? Well, it starts with the desire to “Do It Myself!” and ends with eventually saying Good Bye to their crib. Want to create a dreamy toddler bedtime routine? Read more here.

These are the tools you will need for an amazing Toddler Bedtime

The Crib Zone:

Is your toddler still in a crib? OK, then, let’s make sure they have the following. Typically you make the crib-to-bed transition when your child reaches the height requirements for their crib, or they start climbing out — or in my opinion, if they ask for a big kid bed, I would jump on that momentum and say Yes!

• ✔️ yes, to a pillow, they make toddler-sized ones.

• ✔️ yes to a blanket (with out without a sleepsack, depending on the temp of your home)

• ✔️ yes to warm pajamas

• ✔️ yes to an “Ok to wake” toddler clock

• ✔️ yes to a waterbottle, if they wear pull-ups at night

• ✔️ yes to blackout curtains

• ✔️ yes to books or small toys to play with

• ✔️ yes to their bedtime routine book in their crib - like The Middle of the Night Book more here.

• ✔️ yes to introducing a simple bedtime visual checklist - get yours here.

If they are climbing out, but YOU are not ready then try the following:

• Keep them in a sleep sack if they are a climber - and put it on backward so they can’t unzip it.

• Try a Slumber Pod cover for their crib.

The Toddler Bed Zone:

This post is not about how to make a transition but more about what tools you will need. You want to ensure that your toddler has a lot of input regarding the choices around these tools, so if they have a water bottle in their bed, which ones? if they have books in their bed, which ones? etc. And if you have not introduced rules at bedtime, now it is time to devise three simple ones and repeat them 5 times a night or more.

• ✔️ yes to pillow

• ✔️ yes to a blanket and sheets - best to let them pick them out.

• ✔️ yes to warm pajamas - especially if they lose their blankets at night.

• ✔️ yes to an “Ok to wake” toddler clock

• ✔️ yes to a waterbottle, if they wear pull-ups at night

• ✔️ yes to blackout curtains

• ✔️ yes to books in bed, including their bedtime routine books like The Middle of the Night Book

• ✔️ yes to introducing a simple bedtime visual checklist - get yours here

• ✔️ yes to a wind-up flashlight for reading and playing quietly

• ✔️ yes to a super child-proofed room. Include locking closets and drawers you don’t want them to get into at the crack of dawn

• ✔️ yes to independent play options, these are important for morning independence: “You can play quietly until your light turns green”

• ✔️ yes to leaving a small bowl of cheerios on their dresser for them to snack on in the morning. I leave this before I go to bed so they arent all gone in the AM.

• ✔️ yes to a baby gate at the door if you are worried about them wandering the house after dark and safety.

If you bedshare with your toddler, you have an advantage here because they are used to sleeping in a bed. They are used to having the freedom to get out when they want, etc. Introducing an “Ok to Wake” Clock is a great skill to teach even when you are bedsharing - however it may be harder to get them to play quietly without waking you up too.

Make a plan with them for when this happens, like: “If you wake up and the clock is not green, it’s still resting time. You need to stay quiet so Mommy can sleep, OK?” or “If you want to go and play in your room you can, but on your own and you need to stay there.” 

At first, you may have to walk them there at 5:30 am and set a visual timer for when they can come to get you — but go back to bed, so they understand this is not playtime for the whole family. Independent playtime in the morning is totally OK for toddlers who can’t sleep later than 5:30 am, and that’s why its important to come up with a plan for these times so that you can sleep till at least 6:00 am or more — and this can all be done without screens! A baby-proofed room, some of their favorite toys, a baby gate, and encouragement will set you up for a later mom wake-up time — it will take a few mornings of 5:30 am modeling, but it can be done!

*Amazon Affiliate links are included in this post

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Shorten Nighttime Wakings With These 10 Tips

Ok, so nighttime waking happens, but nighttime turning into playtime can be a nightmare - short and sweet is what we are after. But after 20 years as a professional nanny, I am sure that the easiest way is for your toddler to feel safe and supported. They need to feel your confidence because you have a plan, and they need to feel connected to you — because it’s scary to wake up and be alone in the dark when they are only two!

So let’s learn to address nighttime waking quickly and still honor your child’s need for connection.

First, let’s check your Environmental Set Up:

• Make sure you use red light - not white in the middle of the night if needed.

• Make sure the room is dark but feels safe.

• Do they have their favorite lovey or stuffy?

• I love a wind-up flashlight because it gives them autonomy, and it doesn’t last all night.

• Do they have an “Ok to Wake” toddler clock?

• I would also suggest a visual timer if you come back and check on them in a set amount of time.

• Make sure you have a book like The Middle of the Night Book in their bed, ready to go — or keep it on your nightstand.

Shorten toddler night wakings with these 10 easy steps

1. Take a breath. Middle of the waking is normal behavior, especially if they are learning something new like walking or talking or going through any transitions like starting daycare or potty training.

2. Do not ignore them. Connection and belonging are important at this age, so go to them when they wake (or they will come to you!).

3. Make a physical connection - use soothing touch or empathetic eye contact.

4. Listen and reflect emotions - try not to use language that feels like ‘fixing’.

5. Learn the three stages of falling asleep:

   1. Regulate - work out tough emotions or extra energy together by breathing, hugging, or listening patiently before expecting them to go back to sleep.

   2. Settle - help them to get comfortable and find the items they need to feel safe and secure in their bed, see #6 for tips.

   3. Soothe - remind them you are there, encourage them to notice their body’s sleepiness, and rub their back or forehead if they like that for a short time. This touch encourages the brain to produce oxytocin which helps to soothe a child back to sleep. At this stage, you must leave before they fall asleep so they can learn to do it independently.

6. Every night, practice a structured and simple bedtime routine that concludes with three simple rules they can remember “Calm body, Quiet mouth, Stay in your bed.” Your bedtime routine acts as the “Regulation” stage of falling asleep and is especially important to repeat during the middle of the night.

7. Then ask their permission to check in on them in a few minutes. Set a visual timer for when you will be back. Assure them that they can do this on their own. “I fall asleep on my own, and you can too! You did great at bedtime! I promise I will be back in 5 minutes to check on you.”

8. Say goodnight and leave. Have a Goodbye mantra that you use every time you leave. “You’re safe, and you’re loved, Collin,” or “Time for sleep, Collin. Goodnight, I love you.”

9. Make sure you return in the time allotted but quietly if you commit to doing a check-in. If they are still awake, check in and say I am still here if you need me, but you are doing great! I can come back and check again - is that something you want? And then, set the timer again and leave. If you have successfully gone through the 3 stages of sleep, it should only take 1 or 2 extra checks before they go to sleep naturally. However, if they are worked up or stressed, this will have the opposite effect, so really make sure they are regulated and settled before leaving the first time.

10. Talk about their successes in the AM with visual aids like a calendar or a sleeping photo of them - ignore the behavior you did not like.

Other Pro Tips:

• Do not make the transition to a toddler bed until you have introduced a toddler clock 

• If your child is learning a new skill during the day they will be more likely to

  wake at night

• Remember their Hierarchy of needs - belonging and connection before anything else.

• One transition at a time, so if they are potty training, do not introduce a toddler bed, etc.

• Lots of high-quality interactions before bed! You’ve got this!

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A Dreamy Toddler Bedtime Routine

I bet you never thought a Toddler Bedtime Routine could also be dreamy, calm, and relaxed.

I’m guessing bedtime is still a struggle despite the stories, songs, books, and music.

I will ask a few questions that may seem counterintuitive but could help ease this all-to-common parenting battle.

And the first is: What do you want?

I know I will get to the tips in a second, but I want to ensure you are 100% on board. Sometimes we are doing things because we think there is a certain “way” to do them, and speaking from years of experience as a professional nanny, that is totally untrue. There are not many 13-year-olds that still sleep with their parents or wake up a 2 AM and need a glass of milk (and hey, they can get it themselves at that point, so who cares!)

Here are some questions to ask yourself before we move on - there are no right answers, only what your instincts tell you is right:

• Do you want to sleep alone right now? or do you want to sleep with your child?

• What is most important to develop right now in your mind: connection, empathy, independence, self-soothing skills?

• Do you want more kids? Or is this your last child?

• Where do YOU want to sleep right now? In their room with them? or in your bed with your partner? Or in your bed with them in there too?

It may be difficult to figure out the answers to these questions, and that’s ok. I think we have a lot of decisions we have to make daily, and it can feel overwhelming at times. When I feel that way, I lean on what I call my GoodAF Mom intention - my “Why” or, as some people call it, my “Mission Statement.”

For a long time, my intention was to be perfect, and then it was to be a better parent, but now I intend to be a Happy Human. Do you know why? Science shows that a mother’s level of contentment had twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

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In what is called the Millennial Cohort Study, 13,000 UK families were surveyed when their child was 9 months old and then 14 years later, looking specifically at their happiness level. A deeper analysis of divorce rates and well-being surveys shows that a mother's happiness directly affects her children’s mental health, the stability of her relationship with the children’s father, and her closeness to her children when they become teenagers. In fact, the study showed that a mother’s level of contentment had twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

Twice.

So that means you matter. What you want matters Mama. And if you are not being true to yourself your kid will know, you will act in a way that is different. Tips and tricks won’t work for you as well as they may for other parents. And so you got to stop and Choose You.

And so here are some ideas for a dreamy toddler bedtime routine.

No matter where your toddler sleeps now that they are 15 months and older they will be the leader. They want this freedom to choose - to be in charge - so let them.

You can do this by paying attention to what arguments you have the most - is it over the number of books or when they brush their teeth or what PJs to wear? These are your cues that they want input.

I’m a Type A Mom, so I would make a visual chart of all the bedtime routine items - not so that you can follow it to a T, but so they can pick what they want to do next without your input. I would place non-negotiables on the chart in a different color and then ask them to pick the orders of the others. It doesn’t make sense to brush your teeth before milk - but you can always wait till after PJs are put on. I have included a free downloadable Toddler Choice Chart here with space to add your own items too.

Here are some other tips:

• Come up with three rules that work for your family and stick to them. Ours are: Calm Body, Quiet Mouth, Stay in Bed. These get recited every night multiple times.

• Make sure the time before bed is one of deep connection - that’s why books work so well. Feeling connected will help your child to feel safe and secure.

• If your child wants you to stay and you don’t want to, give them a time limit and set a visual timer like a Time Timer. And when it is done, leave. They will be upset at first but promise to check on them - tap into their independent streak and ask if they want to be checked in 7 minutes or 10 minutes. And then do that over and over but increase the time limit until they drift off without your help. Yes, the first night, you may have to do this for 2 hours, but that won’t last.

• If you bedshare and your child wants you to stay, and you want to, then stay! Get some extra sleep and get up earlier the next day to do the dishes — they will still be there. You can do this for a few weeks and then begin the process of teaching them to sleep independently another time or you can do it for one night and go back to the timer method above.

• If your child does not settle, it’s time to teach the three stages of sleep: Self-regulation, self-settling, and self-soothing. You can help with self-regulation or calming down: listen to a bedtime meditation together or if that’s too stimulating read a book like The Middle of the Night Book that teaches them how to do a bodyscan. Self-settling is something they need to do on their own that’s physiologically switching from an awakened mode to a sleep mode. And then self-soothing is the method you use to regulate your emotions as you fall asleep. This skill is also something that takes time to learn (like a lifetime) and is an independent sleep skill. When your child is very young a lovey, stuffy or something to hold will help them to feel connected to you which can help with self-soothing. Make it easy to bridge the gap by sleeping with that item yourself prior to introducing it — so it smells like you.

• Once you choose a mode of sleep, try to stay consistent - so if they are going to bedshare make sure the bed is set up as their area too. And if you want it to be for a certain amount of time set a limit or boundary ahead of time - “When the summer comes we/you will start sleeping in your room but right now its fine to share my bed”

The most important thing is that you feel confident about your bedtime choices, Mama. Your well-being and your health are what matter most. And don’t forget - because you made it all the way to the end of this article (and even if you made it two sentences in) I know for a fact that you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef

Other Articles on Sleep:

Is it a Toddler Sleep Regression?

Your perfect sleeper is gone; overnight, they were replaced with a screaming, exhausted, and cranky zombie child who just won’t sleep through the night anymore. You may be wondering….

Is it a toddler sleep regression — or did they just learn a few bad habits?

Well, here’s the way to tell.

• First things to check:

• Were they sick in the past 2 weeks

• Did you have a major life transition like the birth of a new baby, toilet learning, a new bed, a new house, a new school, or a new caregiver?

• Are they ready for the next size pull-up or diaper?

• Did the weather change significantly, like it’s now really hot or cold?

• Has there been a time change like daylight savings or traveling?

• Can you see a new tooth coming through their gums or a spot on their gums that is super red?

If you can say No to all of these things, it might be a toddler sleep regression.

Here’s the final way to tell:

1. Your toddler has learned something new during the daytime.

This is the final piece to the puzzle, typically, when a toddler (or child ages 15 months to 36 months) is learning something new, child development experts call that a developmental leap. When they are in toddlerhood these developmental leaps typically are:

• Learning to walk

• Learning to climb

• Learning to talk

• and many others like becoming more independent-minded, etc.

When a young child is learning these types of skills, they are rewiring large parts of their brain — so much so that they cannot sleep well. We all do this in our own ways from restless sleep due to anxiety or to being excited for a big day the next day. Imagine that feeling but over 3 to 4 days. And so they experience a sleep regression which is typically a disturbed sleep cycles. When this happens they may be unable to go through the three stages of sleep independently again.

The three stages of sleep are:

• self-regulation

• self-settling

• self-soothing

And so they will need you. They will scream and yell, have nightmares, and want you to come to their bed or sleep in yours. It’s not pleasant. However, if you can provide a steady and consistent middle-of-the-night routine in these moments, a sleep regression will not result in a new sleep routine that includes you, lol 😬 ! I would suggest that you use the same bedtime routine when you are woken in the middle of the night as you do at the end of the day.

• read the last book of the night - called the anchor book,

• listen to the song or lullaby you sing,

• say good night and remind them of your bedtime rules,

• and/or do whatever your routine may be right before you leave them in the evening.

I find that after a week or two, they will have learned their skill enough that they can get back into their normal sleep routine, so hold on, and in the tough moments remind yourself that it won’t last!

For more sleep help check out the posts below:

Your Toddler is Ready for a Bedtime Glow Up ✨

So it’s a complete shock when we decide it’s time to shake things up:

• saying goodbye to diapers

• going back to work full time and heading off to daycare

• maybe even eating with a fork instead of their fingers!!

  …the hits just keep coming.

I know when it comes to bedtime you may not be as ready to adjust your routine, the predictable nature of what may be: bath, then milk and snuggles, then bed. But just like learning to eat with a fork, new bedtime skills are important to the development of independence and can offer an opportunity to tackle sleep issues leftover from babyhood. 

1. Provide a lot more wind downtime. Slowing down earlier in the evening can make a huge difference for your little whirlwind. If you incorporate screen time in your evening it should end at least 1 hour before their established bedtime. Other ways to slow down include dimming the lights in the entire house, offering a bath time with a spa-like, calm atmosphere, and finally making sure their room is set up for sleep and no longer a “play zone”.

2. Start the switch from milk to water. This one is a toughy I know and I am not saying go cold turkey, but start the process slowly. By 2 years old your child will need a regular toothbrushing routine and drinking milk right before sleep complicates things. So this is a great time to wean from the night bottle. A simple way to replace milk at bedtime is to offer an insulated water bottle of warm water to drink while you read stories. Then move their nightly milk to before bath and toothbrushing time.

3. Add in a LOT of choices. Your toddler wants to be in charge of their newfound independence, so incorporate small choices into your bedtime routine. You can start by asking what color they want their bathwater to be (use food coloring!), and move on to who will brush their teeth, them? or you? Finally and most importantly they choose a book and you choose a book. It doesn’t have to be just two books, but pick a # of books and stick to it. Always let them choose the first ones and you choose the last one or what is called the “anchor” book. Make sure your anchor book is one that is read pretty often (or every single night if you can stand it) - this book is an important sleep signal to their bodies and brains. Here’s a great example of an anchor book.

4. Time for a big kid bed. There are whole articles written just on this transition so I will share only a few tips, the most important being = choices: new bedding they pick out, a book they can bring to bed now that they are ‘big’, which animals sleep with them, etc. These choices will help to activate your toddler’s feeling of ownership. Another tip is to place their new bed exactly where their crib was or at least make sure it's nestled into a corner. This placement will provide the same sense of enclosure that their crib offered.

5. Learn to stay in bed. Before you transition to a big kid bed, you should introduce a toddler clock. New expectations and skills are best learned separately even these two skills. At bedtime offer one final “check-in” 10 minutes after you tuck them in to allow for any last requests. In the morning, set the clock to change colors earlier than you may want to get up which will set them up for an easy win, then slowly push the time by 5 min increments to get to a more manageable wake-up time.

A solid bedtime routine is incredibly helpful to your toddler and for you as well. Use this opportunity to talk to your child about the new choices at bedtime now that they are “big” and write out their new schedule together. Also remember that when you are ready to introduce a toddler bed make sure you are not also working on another big life change like potty training or starting a new preschool, each one of these transitions deserves developmental time and space, and your toddlers will feel more at ease knowing that even if one area of their life may be changing the rest of their life is solid and secure.

BASED ON THEIR AGE EVERY CHILD NEEDS SOMETHING DIFFERENT:

• Toddlers need to learn to regulate and calm their bodies so they can access their own self-settling and soothing skills learned as babies.

• Establishing a strong bedtime routine is the foundation upon which these more intangible skills will grow.

So be prepared to help your toddler with their new bedtime routine and order your copy of The Middle of the Night Book today.

The One Thing You Ever Need to Know About Toddler Sleep

this content is an Advertorial

This is an unprecedented time for parents. Caring for a baby or toddler non-stop with no breaks, coworkers who are unsympathetic, wildfires making the air unbreathable, and kids bouncing off the walls and furniture - I’m with you because in addition to being a professional nanny, I am a mom too.

But it’s more than just work/life balance issues at stake either — I’m talking about sleep (or the lack thereof!). There are more sleep issues that children go through than maybe you realize - and they are affecting exhausted parents who are already on the edge.

Toddler tantrums and night time waking are most common from age 1.5 to 2 years when there are enormous developmental leaps occurring. Learning to talk and communicate needs effects their brains tremendously — and physical leaps like learning how to walk, balance, climb and run can take over as their little brains push harder and harder for them to become independent.

They don’t compare toddlers to teenagers for just any old reason. Their little bodies and minds are on overload. And so toddlers wake up in the night sometimes with nightmares, sometimes night terrors and sometimes they are just 💯disoriented.

So they wake up screaming and in a full tantrum, or they may wake-up and refuse to leave your side. Either way, they need your help to learn how to notice their sleepiness and calm down. Joanna Clark, certified Gentle Sleep Coach from Blissful Baby Sleep Coaching, describes the three stages to falling asleep as “self-regulation, self-settling, and self-soothing” and if they can’t get to the self-settling step they won’t go back to sleep easily.

Our jobs as parents to guide them through that first stage of self-regulation and trust that once they are calm they will lean on the self-settling and self-soothing skills they learned as babies. 

But how do you do this at 2 am? 

Studies have shown time and time again how valuable meditation is for adults and how body scans in particular can lower stress hormones like cortisol. These methods regulate our emotions and also the nervous system as a whole. 

A body scan can provide an anchor point for your child to learn the foundational skill called 'body awareness' which will help them to notice their body's sleepiness and down-regulate from wiggles or tantrums.

Just like your bedtime books are a critical part of your bedtime routine, you can rely on a book for the middle of the night too. The Middle of the Night Book is the first bedtime board book to use a body scan meditation to help your child notice their sleepiness.

Based on their age every child needs something different:

• Babies need a strong bedtime routine to cue to them that it's time to sleep.

• Toddlers need to learn to regulate and calm their bodies so they can access their own self-settling and soothing skills learned as babies.

So be prepared to help your toddler with their 3 AM “back to sleep” routine before you’re too tired to think and preorder your copy of The Middle of the Night Book today.

Stef Tousignant is a professional nanny and author of The Middle of the Night Book who lives in the Bay Area, you can order on her book here.

Is sleep the answer to all of life's problems?

I’ve learned that even once your babies grow up you will still wake up in the middle of the night.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news.😟

Anxiety, general restlessness, too hot, too cold, the cat steps on your head, a child wets the bed - a full night of sleep is an amazing gift at best.

So over the years I have developed a list of techniques I turn to in the middle of the night:

1. Deep Belly Breathing

2. The Countdown

3. A Simple Body Scan

I go into more detail in this video - give it a watch! I also talk about how you can adjust each one of these techniques to work for kids aged 2 to 18.

When it comes to babies and toddlers, however — I wrote the book!

It’s called The Middle of the Night Book and will become a go-to-sleep tool to help you and your baby get back to sleep.

Throughout my 20+ year career, as a professional nanny, I have rocked 100's of babies to sleep and I know when you remain calm and confident, your baby stays calm and cries less. This amazing book offers a new option for parents when they are needed by their baby.

I hope that it can act as a bridge between the "cry it out" and "pass out in the crib" methods parents struggle with, and sleep consultants agree.  

Kelly Thompson, a certified pediatric sleep consultant adds her praise for The Middle of the Night Book:

"When you have a tool to turn to, you can achieve what we call 'co-regulation' or the lowering both of your levels of stress and anxiety."

The Middle of the Night Book takes you and your child on a journey guided by the moon, using a soothing rhythm and dark, tranquil colors. The moon sends down a moonbeam that guides you through a basic body scan meditation, gently bringing your baby out of "fight or flight" and into their body and the present moment.

The book is in the final stages of production and ready for pre-order! Early bird discounts and signed copies will be available for a limited time — order your copy here today and let's all get some sleep.

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