A Dreamy Toddler Bedtime Routine
I bet you never thought a Toddler Bedtime Routine could also be dreamy, calm, and relaxed.
I’m guessing bedtime is still a struggle despite the stories, songs, books, and music.
I will ask a few questions that may seem counterintuitive but could help ease this all-to-common parenting battle.
And the first is: What do you want?
I know I will get to the tips in a second, but I want to ensure you are 100% on board. Sometimes we are doing things because we think there is a certain “way” to do them, and speaking from years of experience as a professional nanny, that is totally untrue. There are not many 13-year-olds that still sleep with their parents or wake up a 2 AM and need a glass of milk (and hey, they can get it themselves at that point, so who cares!)
Here are some questions to ask yourself before we move on - there are no right answers, only what your instincts tell you is right:
Do you want to sleep alone right now? or do you want to sleep with your child?
What is most important to develop right now in your mind: connection, empathy, independence, self-soothing skills?
Do you want more kids? Or is this your last child?
Where do YOU want to sleep right now? In their room with them? or in your bed with your partner? Or in your bed with them in there too?
It may be difficult to figure out the answers to these questions, and that’s ok. I think we have a lot of decisions we have to make daily, and it can feel overwhelming at times. When I feel that way, I lean on what I call my GoodAF Mom intention - my “Why” or, as some people call it, my “Mission Statement.”
For a long time, my intention was to be perfect, and then it was to be a better parent, but now I intend to be a Happy Human. Do you know why? Science shows that a mother’s level of contentment had twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.
In what is called the Millennial Cohort Study, 13,000 UK families were surveyed when their child was 9 months old and then 14 years later, looking specifically at their happiness level. A deeper analysis of divorce rates and well-being surveys shows that a mother's happiness directly affects her children’s mental health, the stability of her relationship with the children’s father, and her closeness to her children when they become teenagers. In fact, the study showed that a mother’s level of contentment had twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.
Twice.
So that means you matter. What you want matters Mama. And if you are not being true to yourself your kid will know, you will act in a way that is different. Tips and tricks won’t work for you as well as they may for other parents. And so you got to stop and Choose You.
And so here are some ideas for a dreamy toddler bedtime routine.
No matter where your toddler sleeps now that they are 15 months and older they will be the leader. They want this freedom to choose - to be in charge - so let them.
You can do this by paying attention to what arguments you have the most - is it over the number of books or when they brush their teeth or what PJs to wear? These are your cues that they want input.
I’m a Type A Mom, so I would make a visual chart of all the bedtime routine items - not so that you can follow it to a T, but so they can pick what they want to do next without your input. I would place non-negotiables on the chart in a different color and then ask them to pick the orders of the others. It doesn’t make sense to brush your teeth before milk - but you can always wait till after PJs are put on. I have included a free downloadable Toddler Choice Chart here with space to add your own items too.
Here are some other tips:
Come up with three rules that work for your family and stick to them. Ours are: Calm Body, Quiet Mouth, Stay in Bed. These get recited every night multiple times.
Make sure the time before bed is one of deep connection - that’s why books work so well. Feeling connected will help your child to feel safe and secure.
If your child wants you to stay and you don’t want to, give them a time limit and set a visual timer like a Time Timer. And when it is done, leave. They will be upset at first but promise to check on them - tap into their independent streak and ask if they want to be checked in 7 minutes or 10 minutes. And then do that over and over but increase the time limit until they drift off without your help. Yes, the first night, you may have to do this for 2 hours, but that won’t last.
If you bedshare and your child wants you to stay, and you want to, then stay! Get some extra sleep and get up earlier the next day to do the dishes — they will still be there. You can do this for a few weeks and then begin the process of teaching them to sleep independently another time or you can do it for one night and go back to the timer method above.
If your child does not settle, it’s time to teach the three stages of sleep: Self-regulation, self-settling, and self-soothing. You can help with self-regulation or calming down: listen to a bedtime meditation together or if that’s too stimulating read a book like The Middle of the Night Book that teaches them how to do a bodyscan. Self-settling is something they need to do on their own that’s physiologically switching from an awakened mode to a sleep mode. And then self-soothing is the method you use to regulate your emotions as you fall asleep. This skill is also something that takes time to learn (like a lifetime) and is an independent sleep skill. When your child is very young a lovey, stuffy or something to hold will help them to feel connected to you which can help with self-soothing. Make it easy to bridge the gap by sleeping with that item yourself prior to introducing it — so it smells like you.
Once you choose a mode of sleep, try to stay consistent - so if they are going to bedshare make sure the bed is set up as their area too. And if you want it to be for a certain amount of time set a limit or boundary ahead of time - “When the summer comes we/you will start sleeping in your room but right now its fine to share my bed”
The most important thing is that you feel confident about your bedtime choices, Mama. Your well-being and your health are what matter most. And don’t forget - because you made it all the way to the end of this article (and even if you made it two sentences in) I know for a fact that you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef
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