Gratitude: The Parenting Superpower You Already Have

Parenting is stressful–yeah I’ve heard that. But here’s the thing— I believe that parenting is also a source of strength, resilience, love and connection —and gratitude, a positive emotion we all know and love. And gratitude has never really been applied to one of life’s biggest challenges: raising kids.

Mindfulness? Sure, it’s great. But for most parents, taking a 20-minute meditation break or going on a retreat isn’t exactly practical. What we need is something that works in the chaos, not outside of it. And that’s where gratitude comes in.

Over half of the gratitude parents feel in their lives (58%) is directly linked to their role as a parent.

• Gratitude builds resilience
• Gratitude creates meaning
• Gratitude enhances self-worth

Parenting is one of the most demanding roles of a lifetime, yet it’s rarely talked about in a way that highlights it’s benefits. Too often, the narrative is about what we’re doing wrong (either not doing enough, or doing too much.) But what if we decided to shift that narrative?

As a gratitude researcher, I’ve spent the past few years studying how gratitude intersects with parenting—and the results might surprise you. My findings show that over half of the gratitude parents feel in their lives (58%) is directly linked to their role as a parent. 

In fact, 72% of parents I talked to used gratitude as a tool during tough times, helping them navigate challenges with greater resilience and meaning.

Gratitude isn’t just a ‘nice to try’—it’s a powerful, science-backed tool for improving your well-being and transforming how you experience parenting.

What Gratitude Does for Parents

1. Gratitude Builds Resilience

Parenting is full of stress—64% of parents report high levels of stress according to the U.S. Surgeon General. But here’s the good news: gratitude may act as a protective factor. My research found that parents who actively practice gratitude reported higher resilience and emotional regulation.

When we notice even small wins, like getting through bedtime without tears or sharing a silly moment with our kids, we reframe challenges as opportunities for growth. Gratitude doesn’t erase the hard parts, but it helps us bounce forward stronger.

2. Gratitude Creates Meaning in the Mess

72% of parents I talked to used gratitude as a tool during tough times.

Parenting often feels like an endless to-do list. But gratitude can turn those everyday moments into something meaningful.

In my research, parents shared that reflecting on gratitude helped them make sense of the chaos, and notice when they got things right amidst the chaos. This meaning-making helped creat a deeper connection to their role. Gratitude allows you to see beyond the torn books and the tantrums and focus on what truly matters: the bond you’re building with your child and the strengths you flex each day as you show up imperfectly for them.

3. Gratitude Enhances Self-Worth

Let’s talk about “Mom Guilt.” Modern parenting culture is riddled with shame and self-criticism, making us feel like we’re never enough. Gratitude changes that.

By focusing on what’s working—like the effort you put in every day—you start to see yourself not as a failure, but as a capable, loving parent. This shift in perspective is vital for building self-worth, a foundation for thriving in parenthood.

Gratitude in Action

How to Start Today:

Gratitude doesn’t require perfection or hours of free time. Here’s how you can begin:

• Daily Gratitude Reflection: Take 2 minutes each day to list 3 things you’re grateful for—big or small. This practice helps train your brain to notice the good.
• Gratitude Pause: When you feel overwhelmed, pause and ask, “What’s one thing going right?” This simple act can shift your mindset in real time.
• Gratitude with Kids: At dinner or bedtime, ask your children to share one thing they’re grateful for. This not only builds connection but teaches them lifelong skills for resilience.

Customize your practice based on your personality, time, whatever makes you, you with more practices here.

The Parental Gratitude Well-Being Framework

In my research, I developed a framework that shows how gratitude interacts with key protective factors like resilience, meaning-making, and self-efficacy. These elements form a virtuous cycle, where gratitude enhances well-being, which in turn strengthens your ability to parent with intention and joy. 

An actionable way to look at this cycle is the PWG© Formula which is: Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results You Can See and Feel.

This isn’t about ignoring the hard parts of parenting. It’s about balancing them with moments of joy and connection. Gratitude reminds us that we are not defined by our struggles but by noticing the tools we already have within us to learn from and rise above them.

Ready to Start?

Parenting isn’t perfect, but it’s full of opportunities to grow, connect, and flourish. When we practice gratitude, we unlock a new way of seeing ourselves, our children, and the journey we’re on together.

Join me in the 90-Day Gratitude Challenge and discover how this simple practice can transform your parenting—and your life. Want to read more about the benefits of Parenting with Gratitude? Click here.

#MomLife Unfiltered: 5 Essential Ways to Keep It Real

“Gratitude serves as a foundation for nurturing connections with other parents and broadening our perspective. It empowers us to embrace our parenting mishaps as integral parts of our journeys, ensuring they do not overshadow our achievements.”

Have you ever found yourself scrolling social, comparing your parenting journey to those seemingly perfect families online? Or perhaps you've tried a 'quick and easy' toddler activity only to find it took hours to set up?

You're not alone. As mothers, we often wrestle with the pressure of high expectations, whether it's the quest for the perfect family photo or the desire for our little ones to embrace every meal we prepare. Just as Shakespeare once said, 'Expectations are the root of heartache.' These unattainable standards can affect how we view our success, self-worth, and even our daily interactions with our children — and they have a lot to do with just how loud our Mom Guilt can get.

The pursuit of high expectations and the desire for life to be a “certain way” are not new, and neither are their resulting negative consequences. They can lead to apathy, stress, and anxiety. These “high standards” can impose rules on our lives that feel so solid and unbreakable—until you start to notice they don’t have to be.

Here are five ways you can adjust your worldview and ground your expectations. Grounded expectations are not about letting things go or even going with the flow; instead, they are rooted in curiosity. What will happen when I try this new baby sleep routine? Or when I substitute sweet potatoes for carrots in this toddler meal? They allow room for growth through experience - and yes, even for mistakes.

Let’s get grounded:

1. Self-Awareness

Take the time to learn more about yourself as a parent. Explore your strengths and areas where you might need support. For example, you might discover that your patience and creativity make you excellent at finding fun toddler activities. Alternatively, you may realize that you thrive in a more flexible daily routine, and that's okay too. We are all unique parents, and what brings happiness and fulfillment can vary greatly from one parent to another. Getting to know yourself better is the first step in making parenting choices that align with your true desires and your child's needs.

2. Social Connection

Seek social connection and support from other parents. It's that reassuring feeling of 'Oh, it's not just me,' like when you discover that the struggles of motherhood are common to us all. This expanded viewpoint helps to balance and validate our personal experiences in realistic ways. For example, when you connect with other moms who have had success introducing toothbrushing, you can gain valuable insights that may help your personal toddler struggle. Through social support, you can establish parenting expectations grounded in real information (It took 6 months!), ultimately offering a more balanced approach to setting expectations for your family's future.

3. Practice Gratitude

Practicing gratitude is a valuable skill, and yes, it can be challenging in a world driven by constant comparison. But it is an essential component of grounded expectations in the world of parenting. Gratitude serves as a foundation for nurturing connections with other parents and broadening our perspective. It empowers us to embrace our parenting mishaps as integral parts of our journeys, ensuring they do not overshadow our achievements. This website is a treasure trove of gratitude ideas - jump in!

4. Cultivate Optimism

This is not about being happy all the time; it's about nurturing the inherent goodness in our parenting journey. Martin Seligman, often regarded as the father of positive psychology, encourages us to view our inner dialogue as a simple way to cultivate optimism as a parent. He emphasizes that 'changing the destructive things you say to yourself when you experience the setbacks that life deals all of us is the central skill of optimism.’

5. Practice Mindfulness

Practicing mindfulness, which involves noticing without judgment, is essential for avoiding getting too wrapped up in what 'could have been.' Overcoming our natural thought patterns takes practice. Mindfulness can take the form of a quick breathing exercise or simply taking a moment to be present with your little one. The key is to leave all judgment on the sidelines.

Remember, in the messy journey of motherhood, embracing your authentic self and grounding your expectations can lead to a more joyful and fulfilling parenting experience for both you and your little ones. After all good enough is GoodAF in my book - Stef

What to read next…

Blank Memories: Embracing Unforgettable Moments

Have you heard about the Taylor Swift concert amnesia that's been going around? It's pretty wild! You spend way more than you should on ticket and are so excited for what everyone is calling a once-in-a-lifetime experience. You're expecting to remember this forever, but when you finally get home, you realize you can't remember a single thing. Can you believe it? You invested your time, money, and energy into this experience, and now it feels like a blur — OMG.

Psychologists are saying this post-concert amnesia is quite normal. It happens when we go through intense experiences filled with heightened emotions. And you know what? It got me thinking about something a bit hazy in my own memory: the newborn weeks. Remember those? But really — how much of it do you really remember? I find it fascinating to compare the two because, like with the concerts, the newborn years were a rollercoaster of emotions. It was a whirlwind, from stress and exhaustion to moments of pure euphoria and gratitude.

Now, I wish we could go through the newborn years multiple times, like attending different concerts (do I?). But here's the thing: we can apply something from the concert experience to help us cherish those intense moments in parenthood. Studies have shown that accumulating stuff doesn't bring us lasting happiness. It's the experiences that truly enrich our lives. And you know what's amazing about experiences? It's not just about the moment itself; it's also about the anticipation and the memories we create.

Let me share something I learned from Dr. Laurie Santos, a cognitive scientist and researcher on happiness. She explains that experiences bring us joy because we savor them before and after they happen. It's like having a delicious appetizer and a satisfying dessert surrounding the main course of the experience. We look forward to the event, talk about it with excitement, and plan what we'll wear, who we'll go with, and what songs might be played - that’s the pre-savoring. And afterward, we relish in the memories, sharing stories and discoveries we made during that time - that’s the post-savoring.

So, when I think about the Taylor Swift concert amnesia or even the hazy memories from my newborn’s first months, I realize it's not about recalling every little detail. It's about treasuring the entire journey. Sure, you may not remember the exact songs Taylor Swift performed but think about all the moments leading up to the concert. The anticipation, the conversations with friends, and the excitement of picking out your outfit. Those are the moments that matter.

And yes, when it comes to the newborn years, we may forget some specifics, but we remember the love, the tiny outfits, and the feeling of our little ones moving inside us. It's the pre-savoring and post-savoring that truly make an experience meaningful.

If you want to dive deeper into the practice of deliberate savoring as a form of gratitude, I highly recommend checking out this link. You can also listen to the podcast episode on savoring to explore how it can enhance your well-being.

So, Mama, remember that it's the journey that counts, whether you're attending a graduation, visiting Disneyland with your family, or simply cherishing the everyday moments of parenthood. Embrace the pre-savoring, savor the experience itself, and relish in the memories afterward. That's where true well-being is. And even if you forget some of it all, you are still a GoodAF Mom - Stef

Controlled by Mom Guilt

The Overwhelming Weight of Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt takes control of our thoughts and emotions, making us feel like we can never measure up as mothers. It fills us with self-doubt, comparisons, and an unending cycle of questioning our every decision. But what if there was a way to break free from the suffocating grip of Mom Guilt? I’m going to share how a gratitude practice can help you regain control over your inner dialogue, shift your perspectives, and enjoy motherhood's imperfect journey—because that’s what it did for me.

the True Effects of Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt manifests in various ways, leaving us feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, and constantly striving for unattainable perfection. It tricks us into believing that we can never get it right, that we're failing our kids, and that parenting is an unwinnable battle. The constant inner dialogue of what we could have done differently haunts our alone time, while other moms' seeming happiness and success add to our guilt.

Navigating Society's Expectations: The Battle Against Mom Guilt

Society's unfair expectations, lack of social support, partners who don't fully understand the demands of parenting, and family members' selective memories of their own experiences all contribute to the overwhelming burden of Mom Guilt.

Add to that, the pervasive nature of social media and influencer culture fuels our comparisons and self-doubt, making our guilt and feelings of inadequacy louder.

Moments that Trigger Mom Guilt: Learning from Mistakes

Mom Guilt strikes during moments of frustration, mistakes, and when we just don’t feel good enough. Whether it's losing our temper, trying a new parenting trick that doesn't work, observing other kids' different behaviors, or simply feeling too exhausted to meet every demand, Mom Guilt sneaks in, intensifying our negative emotions. Have you ever fantasized about getting sick solely for the sake of a break? Yeah, me too, which further fueled my guilt.

The Burden of Mom Guilt: Untangling Guilt and Shame

Carrying the weight of Mom Guilt wears us down. It messes with our emotional well-being. Guilt and shame become entangled, causing us to constantly second-guess ourselves and our behavior. We’re super hard on ourselves, we lose perspective and forget self-compassion!

Bedtime becomes a time of reflection filled with a highlight real of negative thoughts, which let’s face it, we actively avoid by scrolling on our phones or turning to coping mechanisms like drinking or online shopping (been there.)

From Guilt to Gratitude: Transforming your Motherhood

Embracing gratitude is the key to regaining control over our thoughts and freeing ourselves from the rumination of Mom Guilt. When we practice gratitude, our perspective widens, allowing us to see beyond our mistakes and focus on the good in our lives. It helps us appreciate the help and love we receive from other people, recognizing they matter to our lives. We can find moments of joy and contentment by slowing down and choosing our mindset, even when things don't go perfectly. Gratitude reminds us that this all is a precious gift, and even our imperfect parenting is worthy of appreciation.

Reclaiming Control: Practicing Gratitude for Mom Well-Being

We can overcome Mom Guilt and embrace gratitude with a few practical ideas! Instead of striving for perfection, we can adopt a mantra that embraces motherhood as a learning process: "I'm new at this. I don't have to be perfect to be a good mom."

Practicing gratitude one day a week or writing a thank you letter to ourselves each month can help us cultivate a deeper sense of appreciation and self-love. And we can incorporate self-compassion practices into our day - maybe at bedtime? This will allow us to offer kindness and understanding to ourselves.

If you are looking for a gratitude practice that feels just right for you, try my 10-week “How To” email series, where you will be introduced to a new practice each week. And never forget you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

p.s. It never hurts to be mindful of our coping mechanisms and try to actively replace negative habits with positive ones, such as unfollowing accounts of people who run us the wrong way or make us feel that familiar ugh I want my life to be like that feeling or drinking a bubbly water before our glass of wine, or saving our scrolling for nap time and read before bed instead. If you want to work on these and more I would suggest the book Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg.

Parenting Differently: Choosing a Grateful Life

As we grow older, certain things become important in our lives - fulfilling even. Personally, that involves noticing my inner goodness and helping other parents go from surviving to thriving. I believe that happiness comes from within and helping others at the same time. I also believe that positive emotions can impact our emotional well-being and physical health, and gratitude is the gateway to so much more in life.

The Benefits of Gratitude for Parents

That’s why I encourage everyone to start some sort of daily gratitude practice. Because it’s a simple way to rewire our brains away from their strong focus on the negative — and my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation can help. Relying on the results of years of research in behavioral psychology and positive psychology, we can become attuned to our GoodAF Mom intention and how we will achieve it. The equation acts as a road map and it helps you to customize your inner work and make it achievable for what you want out of life.

It’s time to shift our intention from becoming the perfect parent and start becoming our very own best friend instead.

I am imperfect, and I have my own baggage that travels wherever I go. However, I’ve learned that my baggage helps me help others. And even though they can’t know my past my children are still my most valuable teachers. As a caregiver, when I had my own children, things went haywire for me emotionally, and I had many “enough is enough” moments where I didn’t know what to do next. I learned everything about children and their development so I could bring empathy and understanding to my parenting, which was lacking. While I learned a lot from books and professional experience, I couldn’t improve my experience at home with my kids. I grew up with a mother who was a teacher, and my experience was “praised in the classroom, crazed in the family home.” It’s hard to escape the fact that we are all a product of our childhoods, one way or another.

Parent Differently with Gratitude

However, I don’t believe parenting differently is simply doing the opposite or the same as our parents. That’s still reacting. We can choose to do things differently, and my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation can help. Gratitude is the gateway to so much more in life, and it’s time to rewire our brains. It’s about acknowledging what’s inside us, our true goodness. It’s about noticing the good all around us, the things we do that are kind and loving as parents and partners, and all the people who love and support us.

Let’s customize our inner work and make it achievable. It’s about what you want out of life. It’s time to shift our intention from becoming the perfect parent to becoming our very own best friend.

What to read next:

How to Start Parenting with Gratitude™

So you are wondering if this gratitude thing will work for you.

Parents have been told to “be grateful” enough times by now. So you must be asking yourself — why do you have a blog that focuses on this?

Well, my goal is not to tell you to be grateful but to teach you how to look within and discover your own motivations. The ones that drove you to find my website, and the ones that drive your desire for more to life than festering in Mom Guilt. Maybe you are ready to stop skipping over the good on your way to the bad.

Those motivations are the ingredients of an intention. However, an intention is not quite enough to change our behavior so that we can reach our goals. We need to adjust our mindset, notice our habits, find new ways of doing things then repeat it all.

According to Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, the phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. We must do it repeatedly, change our conditioned ways, and have commitment devices to support us.

When you need a new parenting plan

I have been at this for a while. I am not only a former professional nanny with two decades of experience but also a mom and a gratitude nerd. Once I determined that my own intention was to become a happier human (after saying F-U to trying to be perfect), I began to study the aspects of positive psychology that supported my self-inquiry. And along the way, I developed a method that I called Parenting with Gratitude™ and with it an equation that helps any mom try it on for size.

This method acts as a commitment device. Dr. Santos referenced it. Behavioral scientists define a commitment device is a strategy that engages self-regulation and accountability. It’s a formula to make our goals achievable and customized just for us.

The Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation

Ok, so here’s my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation:

INTENTION + ATTENTION + ACTION + REPETITION = RESULTS YOU CAN SEE AND FEEL.

Now you can watch the short video about the steps or read more about each one below. If you want to take it slow, sign up for my 10-week email series. It’s free and goes through each level of the method with an action you can try.

The Importance of Intention

How motivated are you to change? Well, there's intrinsic motivation which is determined by your own desires and beliefs, and extrinsic motivation, inspired by external expectations, rewards, and praise. 

It’s important to point this out, being in my position. I am the one who may be extrinsically motivating you, which is not my intention but also a consequence of my position. I’m the one who wants to share a new way to tackle an old problem – that parenting feels like a neverending assault on your psyche.

Defining your intention is important to finding your intrinsic motivation. You can ask yourself: What do I want out of motherhood? Or What do I want out of the next 10 years? Another awesome writer on gratitude, Alex Elle, says to ask yourself this question: I am healing because I need/want/… or I am healing because I love/I choose…. etc.

Five years ago, when I looked, my intention was to be a perfect mom. That wasn’t working out so well, so at first, I lessened that to becoming a “better” parent — and then a few years later, my intention became “I intend to be a happy human and to be kind,” and five years later that one is still stuck.

If you aren’t sure, let’s start by saying that you are not a “Bad Mom” just because you make mistakes. We are GoodAF Moms who can learn from our mistakes. And so you’re intention could be to be a mom who makes mistakes - to be an imperfect parent. Find an intention statement that works for you, and allow it to grow and shape over time.

Directing Attention inward

OK, I could spend an entire article talking about paying attention to ourselves, and I have. Here I will say that this piece of the equation is vital for one big reason — if you aren’t paying attention to yourself and how you think, feel, and behave, you will miss out on your most valuable asset: your inner goodness. You are worthy of this path — you are a GoodAF Mom. I can tell you that, but it won’t matter until you believe it yourself.

Our attention piece is a way to include noticing or mindfulness in our journey. This is not a fixing quest but a deliberate turning of our attention. From the demands and world literally crying out for us to our inner lives. Our inner world of goodness already exists. You are already a GoodAF mom. No, you are. I know you are because you are concerned and willing to fix yourself to improve this whole thing, motherhood. Except you don’t need fixing, you need self-love and attention, Mama, and you’ve got you.

Taking Action with Gratitude

The practice of gratitude can be as simple as making a list each day, but if that worked for everybody, we would all be making lists. I know from talking to hundreds of moms that each chapter of motherhood is different. We have moments to catch our breath or moments where we can’t. And then there are our learning styles, everyone learns differently, and gratefulness is a learned skill. So the action part of the Parenting with Gratitude™ equation may shift and change over time depending on time constraints and your interest level.

The practices I suggest on this blog are located in the Practice Hub, and they include a mixture of solo practices and some that you can even try with your kids. I never suggest practices you can’t add to your life or feel like a major time suck. You can read about them in blog form, listen to the practices in an audio series, or sign up for one practice to be sent to your email weekly.

The practice of gratitude compounds over time. The more you look, the more things you will find to be grateful for. And so taking daily action is key to this new plan - more on that below.

“Gratitude is fertilizer for the mind, spreading connections and improving its function in nearly every realm of experience.”
― Robert Emmons Ph.D, The Little Book of Gratitude

The Power of ReptiTion

We are asking our brains to create new neural pathways (thankfully reinforced by the release of dopamine and serotonin that gratitude induces). However, still, it takes a lot of work to train a developed brain, and it takes finding an action you can easily repeat. Because without repetition, you get benefits, but they don’t last.

It’s like working out: If you want results, you need to stick with it. You aren’t going to improve your heart health with a week of gym workouts - it’s more likely that an overall lifestyle change of consistent exercise, healthy eating, more water, and fewer determinantal choices will make the difference. It’s the same with gratitude.

I’ll be honest, researchers are mixed on whether you should practice gratitude daily or weekly. The main reason I stand by a daily practice as the most impactful way to practice gratitude for parents is that the real secret is…I know you're not going to do it every day. Catastrophes happen every other day if you have kids — and the gratitude practice will be the first thing to go. I know it because it happens to me too. However, I practice five days a week these days, and that feels like enough. You will find what works for you.

“We can accumulate a greater sense of self-worth by appreciating our accomplishments and the results we achieve in the world, and through the repeated internalization of recognizing our own accomplishments, and feeling successful in inappropriate ways as a result, as well as internalizing the appreciation of others, acknowledgments of others, the friendliness of others, the lovingness of others, all of which affirm our worth as a being.” - Rick Hanson on Being Well.

Results you can see and feel

Think of the first time you were grateful for your parenting life or motherhood. How did it make you feel? How did this feeling show up in your body?

Write it down. These are results that you can see and feel, and they are powerful motivators. And when you are just starting out, it’s nice to know what you are working towards. These results can be the positive reinforcement to keep going, and they may even be what allows you to truly feel all the qualities of being a GoodAF Mom.

Of course, along the way, other things begin to happen. Over the past five years, I have become a more positive-minded person. I have the patience that I have always craved, I notice before I get mad, and I have stopped trying to fix the people in my life and accept them as they come - myself included.

This is the STATE of GRACE we are striving for. Our whole being lives there, body, soul, mind, reactions, Inner Critic - everybody comes for the ride. And it’s imperfect. I don’t always feel these things, but I sure do notice the results more often than not. And feeling like a GoodAF Mom? Well, that is a way of life now. Because good enough in my book is GoodAF.

Finally, how can you stay accountable to your Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation?

I want to stress that science supports belonging to a community that can assist in maintaining motivation and your commitment device – to help you build that sense of inner resolve. And so I want to invite you to RSVP for the Gratitude Circle - we meet the last Wednesday of every month online, and it's totally free. And we talk about this stuff: why we can’t get over the hump and practice. We take time to reflect on our past month's gratitude and savor the associated feelings — and the Circle acts as a source of social support, and an accountability partner.

I hope to see you there. And don’t ever forget — you are a GoodAF mom - Stef

What to do next:

Listen to the Podcast:

The Imperfect Parenting Guide

It’s not shocking to hear that raising children has become increasingly complex and demanding - that raising children is actually different than it used to be.

The “Intensive Parenting” approach, also known as helicopter or snow plow parenting, is now the US's most widely accepted parenting style. While it is true that this parenting style has some good aspects, it is also causing burnout among us — Moms, primary caregivers, and mostly women!

I want to lay out the five basic beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style so you know what they are and then explore just how I think we can lighten the load, ok?

1) Parenting is best done by mothers. 

2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing 

3) It is naturally time intensive to care for a child properly 

4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development 

5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.  

Intensive Parenting is based on the hypothesis that good parenting will result in good children and healthy, well-adjusted adults. According to this approach, parenting is best done by mothers who seek out expert support for proper child-rearing. Caring for a child properly is naturally time-intensive and expensive. In addition, children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred. The tools of Intensive Parenting boil down to parental modeling, support, encouragement, and oversight — a lot of things we talk about on this blog in fact!

While some of these principles may seem appealing, placing the burden of raising healthy children on one parent is a recipe for burnout, anxiety, depression, and despair. Plus, this approach leaves out the influence of culture and the media, the importance of peers to children before they turn 12, and non-shared environments such as school and daycare. These factors heavily influence a child's development, as does the genetic code they inherit from their extended families and cultures of origin.

Just like it was not 100% my parents’ fault I am in therapy, it’s not going to be 100% your fault if your child ends up flawed. When we place the burden of raising healthy and well-adjusted children on one parent, we give mothers a mandate to be perfect, to not mess up. And that just isn’t possible. The complexity of modern parenting can’t withstand a perfect approach. And so this broken approach fails us - and our kids.

The solution to this problem is not simple, but there are things we can do to alleviate the burden of parenting. For me, it’s to step into the idea that I can’t be and won’t be a perfect parent. And in turn, embracing the idea of being an Imperfect Parent has lightened my load. Instead of trying to control the outcome completely, I get to focus on what makes me and my children happy.

Being an imperfect parent means you don’t have to follow or subscribe to cultural expectations of what “good parenting” may look like. If you hate decorating for the holidays, dial it back. If you don't like fighting with your child while teaching them how to tie their shoes, buy slip-ons. If learning to ride a bike is a nightmare, take a break. Eliminate after-school and weekend enrichment classes if they leave you feeling overwhelmed and burned out.

It is important to acknowledge that parenting is a learning process that involves making mistakes along the way — it was a messy, imperfect experience in the past, and it still is today.

We can’t let the culture tempt us into thinking that we must always be perfect parents. Mothers should not bear the burden of parenting alone. Fathers, grandparents, and other family members can all play a role in supporting the well-being of children. Even we moms should take a minute to examine our unconscious biases and avoid perpetuating stereotypes about gender roles in parenting — because I have certainly (and unknowingly) fallen prey to that thought pattern myself. More about that here.

Intensive Parenting is a style that can benefit our children, but not if you lose yourself and your sanity at its expense. Our children deserve whole, fully functioning, self-compassionate caregivers. Let’s lighten the load by embracing being an Imperfect Parent and focusing on what makes us and our children happy. We should also examine our biases and avoid the “forget it, I will do it” vibe many of us were modeled. By working together and supporting one another, we can raise children who will grow up to be whoever they are meant to be, but we will do it without sacrificing our identity and mental health. Stick with the practices, Mama - because you are already GoodAF and now its time to stop fixing yourself and notice instead. - Stef