Why Parenting Feels So Hard—And How to Make It Easier

How Perspective Shapes Our Parenting Experience

What if the stress we feel as parents isn’t a sign that we’re failing, but simply a part of the picture—always has been, always will be? What if obsessing over the hard parts is keeping us from noticing the good?

Science backs this up in many ways. Negativity bias means our brains are wired to focus on what’s going wrong. The action tendency of negative emotions makes stress feel urgent, forcing us to react rather than reflect. And the cultural narrative of parenting—relentless, exhausting, impossible—only reinforces the idea that if we’re not struggling, we must be doing it wrong.

But here’s the thing: Some stress is just part of parenting. That doesn’t mean we ignore the very real external pressures—income disparity, racism, systemic failures—that make parenting harder. But even in an ideal world, where external systems supported parents fully, would we still find things to stress about? Probably.

And here’s where we make it worse for ourselves: It’s not just the stress; it’s our reaction to the stress.

The Second Arrow: Making Harder What’s Already Hard

In Buddhism, there’s a teaching called the Second Arrow. The first arrow is the unavoidable pain of life—getting hurt, experiencing loss, facing disappointment. The second arrow is what we do with that pain. It’s the story we tell ourselves about it: Why me? Why does this always happen? What did I do to deserve this?

Now apply this to parenting.

The first arrow is real:

• Your toddler throws their food across the room after you just cleaned.

• Your teenager swears they did their homework, but you find out later they didn’t.

• You’re exhausted, and instead of a quiet bedtime routine, it’s a meltdown.

That’s frustrating, no doubt. But the second arrow is what really drains us:

• Why is my child like this?

• Why do I always have to deal with this?

• Other parents seem to have it easier—what’s wrong with me?

This mental spiral adds another layer of suffering. It turns a single difficult moment into a heavy, all-encompassing narrative about parenthood.

What If We Looked at Parenting Differently?

What if instead of measuring our success by how little we struggle, we looked at how parenting shapes us? What if, instead of obsessing over what’s hard, we made space to notice where we’ve grown?

Because here’s the reality:
✔ Parenting pushes us to be better people.
✔ Our kids force us to examine parts of ourselves we’d rather ignore.
✔ No one else on earth can light something up inside us the way our children do.

The day-to-day struggles of parenting are real, but so are the moments of joy, connection, and growth. And if we don’t pay attention to them, they pass us by.

So the next time parenting feels impossible, pause. Notice the first arrow—yes, it’s hard. But then ask yourself: Do I need to shoot the second one?

Because maybe, just maybe, there’s something else to notice, too.

This is Parenting with Gratitude®

It’s not about ignoring the tough moments. It’s about choosing to notice the whole picture—the struggle and the joy, the frustration and the love. It’s about trusting that within every hard parenting moment, there’s also something meaningful to be found.

And when we stop shooting the second arrow, we make room to see it. - 🪷 Stef