This is Not a Drill: How to Thrive as an Empath (and Parent!)
In my experience as a professional nanny for two decades, no matter your parenting style, the more children feel seen, loved, and heard, the happier they are.
If your child feels safe to be themselves fully, while also knowing that you will always be there for them, they will turn out great. As an empath, I was always worried that I was too deeply involved with my children’s emotions - and that can happen. For a long time, I attached my definition of parenting success to their actions and behaviors. And so when they were doing well, I was doing well as a parent. And when they were struggling — it was my fault.
Studies show that empaths make excellent parents. I believe it’s our attuned attention. We notice ALL aspects of our child’s life, not just the ones that impact us — that makes all the difference.
Of course, you can be a great parent and not be super empathetic; it depends on your child's temperament. However, regardless of their temperament, most children want to be seen - like fully seen - by their parents. And as an empath, you can’t help but do that!
Sure, that can be a problem too. Empath parents are more likely to get deeply involved in the micro aspects of their children’s daily experiences. You may hover or worry too much, and you may dip into what’s called caregiver burnout on the regular. So it’s super important as an empath parent to find ways to care for yourself — to notice your whole self TOO.
How did I figure out I was an empath parent?
I was scrolling through Instagram when I came across a post from a favorite blogger of mine, Tracy Benjamin, at Shutterbean. She was reading a book called Thriving as an Empath that had been sitting in my Amazon cart for a few weeks. I was struggling with whether or not I qualified to read it. Was I an empath? Why did this idea resonate with me so much?
The word empath immediately takes me to the stereotype of someone quiet and introverted, caring yet removed. That’s not me…and yet, sort of? I can count my close friends on the one hand, and I try hard to maintain a sphere outside that realm - but it’s never easy.
I don’t fully fit the typical introvert stereotype either - defined below as:
prefers to stay home instead of going out - nope.
loves reading all day instead of having a coffee and a chat in a busy cafe - nope.
prefers working from home versus a busy office - nope.
Being around people fuels me, but I also need a significant amount of alone time too.
So — is being introverted the same thing as being an empath? - and what if I’m a bit of both?
I always thought that my empathetic side came from growing up the oldest of 5 children — and we had a LOT of animals growing up. They are supposed to make your children more empathetic, arent’ they? If not, then I’m done with cleaning my son’s hamster cage, lol.
My therapy work leads me to believe that my first instincts around empathy are accurate, but it’s also a chicken-and-egg thing.
When you are sensitive by nature, you make a better caregiver because you feel emotions SO intensely. It hurts you when other people hurt. This motivates you to protect them from that hurt, making you a sensitive caregiver.
On the flip side, I crave alone time because I grew up in a chaotic household where I never really had the chance to recharge or relax. I was the oldest sibling and, therefore, an extension of my parents, and I was very sensitive to my siblings’ moods and needs; it all was just so exhausting.
Anyway — I bought the book! I had a feeling it would resonate with me.
What to read next!
Is being an Empath Parent harder these days? Well, It’s a double-edged sword.
My empathy motivates me to help others. Nothing I do at home will ever be good enough if I’m not also helping people; it’s my personal mandate.
I have always carried a passion for caring for children and their parents in my heart. And now here we are, modern parenting; it is a marathon these days. Society is pressuring us to spend even more time with our kids (it’s called Intensive Parenting, actually), and there is intense pressure to be perfect. All this has us kicking ourselves for mistakes or worse, letting our Inner Critic beat us hourly.
I know how intense it is right now. When the load gets too heavy for empaths, we freeze or shut down. This whole parenting experience has made it very clear that if I want to parent differently, I need to feel safe enough to feel the feelings, to touch into the flow.
When we get overloaded, we freeze, withdraw and go silent for a while.
When this happens, it feels scary, like we cannot be there for our families. Our kids are resilient, and they can do their thing, waiting for us to spring back into action but depending on their age, that will only be for so long. We need to recharge. Empath parents need self-care practices MOST OF ALL.
Knowing this personality and mindset has taught me EXACTLY what my needs are.
And I try to do the best I can to meet them daily:
I have a committed morning routine which includes gratitude and journaling.
I let my children have screen time every morning so I can meditate.
I squeeze in a few minutes here and there to do something I like:
listen to a podcast or read a few pages in a book. Here are some other free ideas.
I taking ownership of this part of myself. Who am I under all those feelings? Yeah, it’s a lot, but it’s also a gift.
So many good things in my life are due to being an empath — Try to make a list too!
I am a great caregiver because I care — I wouldn’t be a Baby Whisperer without attunement.
I can find gratitude easily and immediately feel a shift when surrounded by beautiful things.
I am caring and want the best for my friends and family.
I can design spaces in my home that make my family feel celebrated, inspired, and loved.
Issues between my children are easier to figure out because I can usually tell why they are upset.
Some of the drawbacks are:
My Inner Critic is very harsh, especially when I can’t absorb more emotion and lash out at the people I love.
I feel guilty about taking alone time because I can feel how much that hurts my family.
When I can’t stand feeling intensely anymore, I numb myself.
I can spend the whole day walking around cranky so that people won’t come inside my shell.
When I self-sacrifice my feelings for those around me, I put my authentic self and voice away and no longer have access to my wisdom or grace.
We are paired with a child who may or may not have a personality that works with ours and then dropped into an ever-changing and pretty volatile environment (these days!) and told we should instinctually know what to do.
It’s a unique yet universal predicament.
I struggle every day to find a way to share my support and story with you in an open and relatable way. I feel like there is a lot of woo-woo self-help out there — the internet is saturated with it, really — and that’s not what I’m about.
I’m about real life. I’m about being honest with you about my struggle to find happiness in all this. And yes, many things have made me unique, all the books I have read on child development and the brain, all the books I have read on self-compassion and mindfulness, all my life experience, the hundreds of families and children I have cared for, they have all lead me to here.
What has also led me to this place is repetitive compounding practice. Years of trial and error. Years of parenting. And lately, years of feeling all the feelings and learning to touch deep inside my heart, just right there, underneath them all.
I want that for you. I want every parent to feel like they can come to this community honestly and find unconditional support — because we all bring our unique journeys to this cocktail party. Still, in the end, we are all going through the same experience.