How to Stay Grounded Amidst Parenting Chaos
Equanimity, a word not often heard in everyday conversation, is simply learning the skills of emotional groundedness and non-reactivity. Cultivating equanimity can be a transformative practice in the whirlwind of motherhood and its overwhelming moments.
Cultivating Equanimity: Finding Emotional Groundedness Amidst the Chaos
Understanding Equanimity: The Key to Overcoming Overwhelm and Anxiety
Equanimity, a word not often heard in everyday conversation, is simply learning the skills of emotional groundedness and non-reactivity. Cultivating equanimity can be a transformative practice in the whirlwind of motherhood and its overwhelming moments. In this blog post, I will get into the concept of equanimity, explore its relevance to motherhood, and uncover practical strategies for embracing it amidst the chaos. Let’s learn more about equanimity by understanding what it is not. We can learn to navigate the storms of motherhood with grace, resilience, and a sense of calm if we also understand the different states of overwhelm many mothers experience.
Motherhood presents us with two distinct forms of overwhelm. The first pops up when we feel saturated and like we have NO choices. We get caught in a sensory overload or a whirlwind of emotions. We freeze, feel stuck, and powerless. The second type emerges from uncertainty and anxiety, where our minds fill the void of "not knowing" with so many horrible possibilities. We spin our wheels, consumed by worry and indecision. Both forms of overwhelm can leave us feeling trapped and emotionally drained.
Weathering the Storm: Equanimity as a Powerful Tool for Stress Management
Motherhood, particularly in the first five years, is filled with constant stress activation. As stress researcher Dr. Elissa Epel emphasizes in her book, "The Stress Prescription," everyone has a unique stress starting baseline. This “baseline” determines how much additional stress we can handle. When our baseline is already high due to the challenges of motherhood, unexpected events (insert toddler playing in the toilet) can cause it to spike even higher. And since we carry a higher baseline during this part of our lives, developing equanimity becomes essential for maintaining balance amidst the chaos.
Imagine motherhood as a house you've built on a beautiful piece of land. The weather that comes and goes represents the ever-changing nature of children—sometimes sunny, other times stormy. Some days are delightful, while others bring destruction and chaos. However, much like the weather, we cannot control our children's behavior entirely. Instead, we must focus on responding to the storms they bring and finding equanimity in the face of challenging moments.
Building Equanimity: Practices for Grounding and Regulating
To develop equanimity, it is essential to engage in grounding/mindfulness practices regularly. These practices allow us to find emotional stability amidst the storm. The one I always start with is getting outside to take a walk and deliberately noticing the awe-inspiring elements of my surroundings. A simple walk around the block, focusing on gratitude for our community, can bring a sense of calm to both ourselves and the toddler will bring along.
Interacting with pets is another great source of grounding and regulation. If they let you, taking the time to brush the family dog or engaging in playtime with cats helps anchor us in the present moment. Animals possess a remarkable ability to offer comfort and regulation, even during chaotic times.
Unveiling the Power of Equanimity: How Mindfulness Transforms Parenting
Ok, and finally, utilizing moments of calm and sunshine to practice mindfulness allows us to experience the present moment fully. A body scan is a simple practice where we explore each part of our bodies while expressing gratitude for their contributions to our well-being. It can be done anywhere you find yourself sitting. You can also practice mindfulness by active listening. While your preschooler tells you his story for the nth time, stay in the present moment, notice your thoughts, and let them pass. Allow your attention to rest completely on the content of their story. Ask questions, and engage only when they finish their run-on sentences.
These seemingly simple grounding exercises lay the foundation for cultivating equanimity. And they can be practiced when things are GOOD, not out of control.
Empowering Yourself with Equanimity: Cultivating Emotional Strength and Perspective
It is important to remember that equanimity does not overwrite or replace big emotions or challenging situations. Instead, it allows us to navigate them confidently, free from excessive reactivity or resistance (even if it’s just 10% less reactivity). By embracing equanimity, we acknowledge that stressors come from outside of us, but trigger internal responses. Cultivating this relationship with stressors empowers us to respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.
Embracing Grace and Equanimity: Finding Peace amidst the Challenges of Motherhood
As mothers, we often blame ourselves for the chaos and self-doubt that can accompany parenting. However, it is important to recognize that these challenges are not our fault. Embracing equanimity means offering ourselves grace and accepting the realities of motherhood without judgment. Through this self-compassionate lens, we can find peace within the storm.
In the journey of motherhood, cultivating equanimity is a valuable practice that allows us to weather ups and downs with grace, resilience, and calm. By differentiating between overwhelming states and the groundedness of equanimity, we can develop strategies to find emotional stability amidst the chaos. Remember, even with all the messiness and challenges, you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef
What to read next..
Avoiding Summer Burnout
Embrace the Fun: Including Yourself in Summer Planning for Type-A Moms: Planned to the gills, and we are burned out in week 2 - did you forget to include a few FUN things for yourself last year, Mama? I know I did. Let’s avoid summer burnout together this year starting with this free planning sheet.
A blog post for Type A moms.
this is a repost I do each year in June (I wrote this in 2022).
Are you a planner? Do you plan mainly to avoid future conflict, complaining, arguments, and your own yelling? Well, if you do, welcome to the Type A mom club - I’m the president.
Simplify Summer Planning: The Ultimate Bucket List and Routine Guide for Type-A Moms
I have two kids (11 and 14) and what I have learned over a decade of parenting is: summers can suck - mainly, the life out of you. When you are a Type A mom you tend to have an inner critic who will not let you rest, and the summer can be a nightmare. Planning, keeping busy, and making sure to avoid those nasty summer words….”Mom…I’m bored!” = I’m exhausted by day 5.
Even though I am a writer, I typically go full SAHM in the summer — but not without a schedule — enter my trusty planning sheets and checklists — and lists of lists!
On the walls of the kitchen, I post the daily schedule, lists of things to do outside, one with the apps they are allowed to play and things to do when they are bored, and on and on we go.
Creating a Summer Schedule: Balancing Fun and Self-Care for Type-A Moms
And this works for our family. My kids are used to it, and the predictability of routine emotionally regulates me. The issue is…for many years, I forget to include myself in all the planning. Of course, we had fun — kids are fun in the summer — but I didn’t do the things I wanted to do, like go to the farmer’s market or to a tag sale or two, and I would end the summer with regrets.
And so I stopped doing that! For the past few years, I have printed out all our planning sheets and filled them out TOO. After all, I definitely have a summer bucket list. There are things that I want to do each week that are non-negotiables (I’m looking at you, froyo), and there are daily routines that are important to me.
This is how I plan our summers
Download the planning sheet here. The whole family fills out individual sheets — and my husband (since he works full time) fills out just the Bucket List section, which makes for some fun weekends.
List your Bucket List items.
List your weekly fun ideas.
List your daily non-negotiables
Next, organize the information. Your kids are going to come up with insane ideas on these planning sheets - that’s ok! What you want to do is look for similar themes among the insanity. Maybe everyone wants to do some water play every week - fine, it doesn’t have to be the pool or beach, but water play becomes a weekly theme.
The Bucket List gets a good look over, and then the reasonable and achievable things go onto one master list that you can print and hang up.
The Weekly Ideas go onto a weekly routine sheet or straight onto your digital calendar - Wednesdays are pool days, and Fridays are Froyo.
Then I make a daily schedule with the remaining non-negotiables - and this is where taking care of yourself comes in.
Screen Time vs. Me Time: Crafting a Daily Schedule that Works for Type-A Moms
My kids always want millions of hours of screen time - they’re preteens, I get it. I want Alone Time, Meditation Time, Journaling Time, and Writing Time - these are my things - you have your things. These two “wants” — screen time and my time — actually coincide. And so when you make your daily schedule - screen time is not cleaning time; it’s your time. Maybe they have 30 minutes to watch TV in the morning - that means you can journal or walk outside for 30 minutes.
Another non-negotiable for me during the summer is reading/downtime after big outings. And kids need this too. I always include 60 minutes of independent bedroom quiet time on my daily schedule. Even for kids that are 3 or 5 years old, you can shrink that down to 30 or 40 minutes, but everyone gets a break from one another to recharge and rest — for the good of our sanity.
Summer Cleaning Hacks: Lowering Expectations and Teaching Kids Responsibility
Then there’s the cleaning. Well, during the summer:
I lower my expectations
I use this time to teach my kids how to clean.
I am not going to use up precious screen time cleaning up clutter or emptying the dishwasher or the beach bag. I’d much rather do that while my kids are outside or playing together in the next room - or even better - clean when my partner gets home and let him take on the evening’s entertainment.
Making the Most of Summer Break = Balance Family Activities and Personal Interests
Summer Break is not a break - but it can be fun if you do the things you like to do too. So make sure you are included in the planning - and the photos too!
If you don’t hear from me for a while, it’s because I am hitting the farmer’s market and making my own jam. - Stef
Burnout and the Benefits of Gratitude
According to psychologists, burnout is a physiological and psychological state we can reach when the following things go off the rails: Sleep, Healthy Choices (whatever that means to you), Resources, and Support. A state means it’s temporary - which is a good thing, right? That’s our first step out of the tunnel. Perspective to see that even though everything is a mess and so heavy and demanding, it is temporary can help.
Understanding Burnout: It's More Than Just Exhaustion
Did you know that burnout is not a medical diagnosis, (I’ll remind you that I am not a doctor; I’m just a mom and a professional nanny who has both experienced burnout in its many forms and also watched, helped, and supported moms who have reached their own done, done, done moments).
Psychological and Physiological Aspects of Burnout Explained
According to psychologists, Burnout is actually a physiological and psychological state we can reach when the following things go off the rails: Sleep, Healthy Choices (whatever that means to you), Resources, and Support. A ‘state’ means it’s temporary - which is a good thing, right? That’s our first step out of the tunnel. Perspective to see that even though everything is a mess and so heavy and demanding, it is temporary.
The Power of Gratitude in Combating Burnout
Another thing that can help is gratitude. In fact, David W. Chan, who is a psychology professor at the University of Hong Kong, has done numerous burnout studies specifically with teachers and he has this to say, “the burnout components (emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and a reduced sense of personal accomplishment) are diametrically opposite views of the good life (pleasant, engaged, and meaningful life), suggesting promoting the good life or well-being could be an effective positive approach to combating burnout.” He believes that interventions based on forgiveness and gratitude are a positive approach to combatting burnout.
Self-Care Strategies for Overcoming Burnout
So how can we use the benefits of gratitude to combat burnout? Well, the first thing I would say is, if you really feel like total crap, go outside. If you can’t, then put on your favorite music or go for a drive. Basically, create a scenario where even with your toddler in tow, your mood is boosted by your environment. This takes the pressure off you having to do “something” when you are already overwhelmed – you can take a drive and look out the window and give yourself something to look at or feel that inspires gratitude.
When we are burned out, many things happen - we no longer look to others for social support, and we think everything is terrible, our mothering, our house, our job. It may even feel like we get small and tight. We also stop caring for ourselves. All of this is normal. It’s our bodies coping mechanisms at work.
So after your walk or drive, I would suggest trying one personal care item - a nap, a shower, or a meal. Nourish yourself and meet some of your basic needs. When we are burned out, sometimes it's because we have chosen our children’s needs and happiness over our own for too long - choosing yourself is not selfish. Meeting your own basic needs for sleep, sustenance, exercise, and hygiene sets an excellent example for your children, and it also offers an opportunity to teach the language of boundaries to our children.
Now if you can’t do that, OK, when I feel burned out, I don’t feel like I have time for anything - and that ‘anything’ is everything. There is so much to do and so much demanded of me all at once. I am overwhelmed. “Overwhelm” is a powerful emotion and is always coupled with burnout, in my personal opinion.
The Scarcity Trap: How it Impacts Your Well-being
Overwhelm is typically based on a scarcity mindset. A scarcity mindset is one of “not enough” - not enough time, patience, money, and support - you get it. Let’s remember that our culture teaches the scarcity mindset. We have to be in constant motion if we want to be successful. We have to take advantage of every moment of downtime or multi-task because we are moms, and that’s what we do.
I like to use the analogy of a pie. The mom pie. My pie is made up of the pie shell or all the things you can see (cultural and role-based demands) and the filling or the things no one can see (the invisible load and my mental health) what it’s made of changes from season to season - sometimes filled with sweet and delicious summer fruits, a very demanding season! Or hearty holiday meat filling, nutritious, and just as chaotic! Now if I took the time to rest, that's a bunch of pie getting eaten up and its hard not to see that if I rested it would mean I would have to say “No” to something else in the future because no matter what my pie is made of there’s only so much of it to go around.
When I’m out, I’m out. Sometimes I run out of time, and others I run out of patience, but either way, there’s rarely enough for me to get a little taste. Laundry, organized fridges, holiday decorations, and even teaching certain skills, are based on cultural expectations that I call pie eaters. We are told we can do anything and everything as parents but then also told we have our limits and things need to go a certain way in order for us to check the “parenting win” box. And these pie eaters don’t just come from our own childhood and the way we were parented but also from the systems around us. They keep us from never fully realizing that we have enough pie for ourselves too - that in fact, the pie is infinite and never runs out, that there is always enough. Instead, there’s never enough and look at how fast it goes - all totally and utterly out of our control.
But to be honest, on the days I choose to rest or play with my children instead of doing laundry, I get just as much done. And my relationship with the items that don’t get finished is very different. I discover a relaxed approach - one of equanimity - and look at the unfinished to-do list without feeling like a failure because I got a taste of the pie that day; I was a great parent; I made a puzzle with my son, and he told that silly story, and that makes it all worth it. So after you go for a walk or a drive or listen to some music - my suggestion would be to write your gratitude list because like I always say - you are not noticing all the good around you and all the great mom-ing you are doing too.
Escaping the Scarcity Mindset: Embracing Abundance and Balance
A scarcity mindset can be a good thing - think about all the essays you wrote in school that would still be languishing half-completed if you hadn’t had a deadline. Or the way we have learned to conserve our resources as climate change has demanded us to become more mindful. Scarcity can also orientate your mind solely on the present moment, “How can I make it through Thursday with what we have left in the bank” or “Do I have enough formula to get through the night?” It helps us to hone in on what’s important or the most pressing need in the moment - to prioritize.
What a scarcity mindset also does is activate the Inner Critic, that voice that is only concerned with the survival of the species and less with how you feel in your one and only lifetime. It tells you that a clean kitchen is more important than connecting with your child, and it reminds you of the last time you were late with the water bill and how your partner was like what the fuck. These alarm bells are valid and are for your own protection. They can keep you afloat and safe but will also definitely impact your daily experiences and well-being.
A scarcity mindset also blocks your wisdom or that voice inside you that helps you to see the big picture. Living inside of what many call the “Scarcity Trap,” your brain no longer offers you the options that you may actually have at your disposal. Your innate creativity becomes a dead weight that is shed at the first opportunity so that your brain can solely focus on coping, like how to pay the rent or even how you are going to find an ounce of alone time in this crazy neverending parenting life you are living.
Limiting your perspective is one of scarcity’s most problematic effects. In fact Havard behavorial economists, Sendhill Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir argue that the Scarcity Trap creates a mindset that rarely considers our long-term best interests and therefore blocks you from your GoodAF Mom Intention.
“To put it bluntly,” says Mullainathan, “if I made you poor tomorrow, you’d probably start behaving in many of the same ways we associate with poor people.” And just like many people who live at or below poverty, he adds, you’d likely get stuck and stay stuck in the scarcity trap.
Gratitude as a Path to Overcoming Burnout
So you see how gratitude could help here. When we are burned out, we immediately go to a place of scarcity - it's natural, we feel overwhelmed and under-cared for, and of course, we have Mom Guilt when we can’t meet our children’s needs in the best most perfect way because we are exhausted.
But when we blame ourselves for where we are or for our struggles to make ends meet or even to complete assignments at work – we forget the systematic machine telling parents (mainly women) they need to be all things to all people all the time. And the same goes with asking for help with the mental load - we have to do the heavy lifting of making a list or having a tough conversation with our partner when we know we are not going to be at our best.
Choosing Presence Over Perfection: Embracing Imperfections in Motherhood
If you look within without blaming, I bet you will see that you don’t want a perfect house or perfect life, you want to show up for your kids as your whole self, not some shell of a mom and woman. When I realized that one of my most significant stressors was the Perfect Mom mindset I carried around, I also knew that I didn't want that for my kids or me. My scarcity mindset over perfecting my children’s fleeting childhoods quickly disappeared. I didn’t have to be a good mother every second to be a good mother. I love them each day, and that’s enough. I do my best, and that’s enough - I do not have to be anxious about making each day perfect as if it’s the only day we have with each other.
Mixing in a daily practice of gratitude shifts our mindset from treading water to reflection and awareness. You can thank yourself for choosing to play with your kids instead of cleaning; you can be grateful for finding a moment of ease and peace on an otherwise busy day. You may regret taking 10 minutes to draw or play a card game with your child when you sit back down to fold laundry after putting them to bed, but when you wake up the next day, I bet you will be thankful for that time with them. You will feel full.
The Role of Gratitude in Cultivating Positive Emotions and Healing
Positive emotions like gratitude, joy, and delight are not extras. They are not what we should feel once we start working. Soft skills like these are not soft; they are the bedrock of our motherhood. Without them, our healing work would be incomplete (and intolerable). Using gratitude to bring a level of detached acceptance to a situation opens up just enough room, even in the state of burnout, to let down our guard with the ones we love and let in a little giggle or two. Because you have so much Mama - so so much, and once you look around, I know that you will discover you are GoodAF - Stef
Want to listen to this post as a Podcast?
Caregiver Burnout - Let's Be Real
Let’s face we all go through some form of Caregiver Burnout at one point or another - how can gratitude help?
With society’s constant pressures to be a perfect and attentive parent, we are all ripe for Parental or Caregiver Burnout or even what the Mayo Clinic calls ‘Caregiver Stress.’
Not sure if you have Caregiver Burnout? Maybe you are just overtired or anxious? Take the quiz! Or look at the color chart I have included.
Don’t want to take the quiz? Simply check to see if you have felt more than one of these in the past week:
Totally overwhelmed or feeling trapped
Exhausted by 3 pm
Getting too much sleep or not enough
Major weight fluctuation
Flying off the handle - a lot
Feeling depressed or uninterested in activities you used to enjoy
Resentful of your children
Drinking/smoking/self-medicating (more than usual…)
isolating from friends or family (more than usual…)
Your body has decided to become stiff and sore — or new issues like stomachaches/headaches have started to appear on the regular.
I’m surprised Caregiver burnt-out wasn’t talked about BEFORE the pandemic based on this list!
So How do I fix this?
Listen, there’s actually a big list of ways, and I quote the Mayo Clinic directly below, but I want you to know you are not alone. The struggles of modern parenting and what many sociologists call Intensive Parenting are real for us all. I always seem to be bouncing in and out of burnt-out (or yellow and orange). The goal is to live in the yellow or green for longer by caring for ourselves when we are in the orange and definitely the red.
Understanding Caregiver Burnout:
Caregiver burnout is a result of the tremendous responsibilities and pressures placed on modern mothers. The demands of caregiving can be emotionally draining and physically exhausting, leading to a decline in our health and well-being. Symptoms of caregiver burnout are listed above but may include feeling: overwhelmed, extremely tired, changes in sleep patterns, weight fluctuations, irritability, depression, social isolation, and neglecting one's own needs.
The Power of Gratitude in Combating Burnout:
It makes you feel better - in all the ways. Numerous studies have highlighted the positive impact of practicing gratitude on mental well-being. Expressing gratitude has been linked to lower levels of stress, depression, and anxiety. By focusing on the positive aspects of caregiving and acknowledging the support received from others, you can shift your mindset and reduce the overwhelm. No, you don’t have to ignore the bad - shift your focus a little and look for the good - it’s there, I promise you.
It makes your relationships happier. Gratitude encourages you to see the positive aspects of your relationships and enhances social connection. So if you express gratitude towards the people in your life who support you, whether it’s family, friends, or people you hire, this cultivates stronger bonds. And social support acts as a buffer against future burnout by providing a sense of understanding and shared responsibility.
It helps you to stick through tough times and cope. Research suggests that gratitude plays a vital role in enhancing resilience and coping mechanisms. When you adopt a grateful mindset, it’s like you’re saying, “I will make the effort to find meaning and purpose in my role.” Taking on parenthood as a learning opportunity instead of a source of stress allows you to reframe the chaos as an opportunity for growth, which it certainly is — and that leads to greater resilience in the face of adversity.
It provides simple and free self-care and mindfulness. Practicing gratitude encourages you to prioritize self-care. Once you stop to notice what you have, you may see what you lack — basic needs like sleep and calories are my guess. You can prevent future burnout by acknowledging your non-negotiables, but within those overwhelming moments where you choose to pause, expressing gratitude and savoring them will help to extend their impact. Gratitude promotes mindfulness, helping you stay present, in the moment, and appreciate the small pleasures of motherhood.
It grounds you emotionally. Taking care of kids non-stop can lead to emotional exhaustion and feeling like you are totally isolated. Gratitude serves as a powerful tool in countering these negative emotions. Engaging in daily gratitude practices, such as keeping a gratitude journal or expressing appreciation to oneself, helps caregivers cultivate positive emotions and find joy in their caregiving journey. You can try out a new practice each day by joining my 10-week How To Parent with Gratitude Series here (its free.)
Caregiver burnout is serious. If you are in the orange or the red, that requires attention and proactive strategies for prevention and management - scroll to the bottom of the page for more from the Mayo Clinic.
The power of gratitude in combating burnout is priceless for prevention.
By incorporating gratitude practices into your daily routine, you won’t go as deep into the overwhelm, you will be willing to ask for help sooner and tough out hard times more easily. You will prioritize easy and free self-care and strengthen your overall happiness and groundedness. As moms, we can express gratitude for the meaningful moments and the support we receive because there are so many opportunities to do so. And I hope that you always remember that no matter your mindset, you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef
PLease: If you are burned out, especially in red, please tell your partner, or a close friend, or see your doctor.
Sometimes it helps to set up a code word with them - Or if you can’t, make sure to explain to them that “when I am taking naps every day at 2 pm, that’s not normal for me” so they know when to step in and be there for you without you having to ask.
For additional help you can call: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or text HOME to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line
And you can find parenting support here: 1-800-632-8188 - The Parent Stress Line Confidential and Anonymous Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Try these Next:
Here’s the Mayo Clinic’s List of things you can do for Caregiver Burn out since I am not a doctor or a psychologist - Read the full article here:
"The emotional and physical demands involved with caregiving can strain even the most resilient person. That's why it's so important to take advantage of the many resources and tools available to help you provide care for your loved one. Remember, if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for anyone else.
To help manage caregiver stress:
Accept help. Be prepared with a list of ways that others can help you, and let the helper choose what he or she would like to do. For instance, a friend may offer to take the person you care for on a walk a couple of times a week. Or a friend or family member may be able to run an errand, pick up your groceries or cook for you.
Focus on what you are able to provide. It's normal to feel guilty sometimes, but understand that no one is a "perfect" caregiver. Believe that you are doing the best you can and making the best decisions you can at any given time.
Set realistic goals. Break large tasks into smaller steps that you can do one at a time. Prioritize, make lists and establish a daily routine. Begin to say no to requests that are draining, such as hosting holiday meals.
Get connected. Find out about caregiving resources in your community. Many communities have classes specifically about the disease your loved one is facing. Caregiving services such as transportation, meal delivery or housekeeping may be available.
Join a support group. A support group can provide validation and encouragement, as well as problem-solving strategies for difficult situations. People in support groups understand what you may be going through. A support group can also be a good place to create meaningful friendships.
Seek social support. Make an effort to stay well-connected with family and friends who can offer nonjudgmental emotional support. Set aside time each week for connecting, even if it's just a walk with a friend.
Set personal health goals. For example, set goals to establish a good sleep routine, find time to be physically active on most days of the week, eat a healthy diet and drink plenty of water.
Many caregivers have issues with sleeping. Not getting quality sleep over a long period of time can cause health issues. If you have trouble getting a good night's sleep, talk to your doctor.
See your doctor. Get recommended vaccinations and screenings. Make sure to tell your doctor that you're a caregiver. Don't hesitate to mention any concerns or symptoms you have”