Why Parenting Feels So Hard—And How to Make It Easier

How Perspective Shapes Our Parenting Experience

What if the stress we feel as parents isn’t a sign that we’re failing, but simply a part of the picture—always has been, always will be? What if obsessing over the hard parts is keeping us from noticing the good?

Science backs this up in many ways. Negativity bias means our brains are wired to focus on what’s going wrong. The action tendency of negative emotions makes stress feel urgent, forcing us to react rather than reflect. And the cultural narrative of parenting—relentless, exhausting, impossible—only reinforces the idea that if we’re not struggling, we must be doing it wrong.

But here’s the thing: Some stress is just part of parenting. That doesn’t mean we ignore the very real external pressures—income disparity, racism, systemic failures—that make parenting harder. But even in an ideal world, where external systems supported parents fully, would we still find things to stress about? Probably.

And here’s where we make it worse for ourselves: It’s not just the stress; it’s our reaction to the stress.

The Second Arrow: Making Harder What’s Already Hard

In Buddhism, there’s a teaching called the Second Arrow. The first arrow is the unavoidable pain of life—getting hurt, experiencing loss, facing disappointment. The second arrow is what we do with that pain. It’s the story we tell ourselves about it: Why me? Why does this always happen? What did I do to deserve this?

Now apply this to parenting.

The first arrow is real:

• Your toddler throws their food across the room after you just cleaned.

• Your teenager swears they did their homework, but you find out later they didn’t.

• You’re exhausted, and instead of a quiet bedtime routine, it’s a meltdown.

That’s frustrating, no doubt. But the second arrow is what really drains us:

• Why is my child like this?

• Why do I always have to deal with this?

• Other parents seem to have it easier—what’s wrong with me?

This mental spiral adds another layer of suffering. It turns a single difficult moment into a heavy, all-encompassing narrative about parenthood.

What If We Looked at Parenting Differently?

What if instead of measuring our success by how little we struggle, we looked at how parenting shapes us? What if, instead of obsessing over what’s hard, we made space to notice where we’ve grown?

Because here’s the reality:
✔ Parenting pushes us to be better people.
✔ Our kids force us to examine parts of ourselves we’d rather ignore.
✔ No one else on earth can light something up inside us the way our children do.

The day-to-day struggles of parenting are real, but so are the moments of joy, connection, and growth. And if we don’t pay attention to them, they pass us by.

So the next time parenting feels impossible, pause. Notice the first arrow—yes, it’s hard. But then ask yourself: Do I need to shoot the second one?

Because maybe, just maybe, there’s something else to notice, too.

This is Parenting with Gratitude®

It’s not about ignoring the tough moments. It’s about choosing to notice the whole picture—the struggle and the joy, the frustration and the love. It’s about trusting that within every hard parenting moment, there’s also something meaningful to be found.

And when we stop shooting the second arrow, we make room to see it. - 🪷 Stef

Did you Parent Differently this Weekend?

I got a question for you: Did you parent differently this weekend?

Think about it. I bet immediately your thoughts are: No!

And of course, as parents, this is what we do. We go right to two things:

1. Too much of and not enough of:

   So too much screentime not enough family time, too much sugar, not enough healthy food, too much errands, not enough outside time you get it.

2. Or we go to cataclysmic events:

   Like the meltdown in church or the bedtime that took three hours instead of one.

This is called the negativity bias.

So when we look back quickly, over our weekend, we can say to ourselves, “No, that was not a good weekend” or “Okay, some things went great, but that tantrum really was my fault. And I didn't do a good job this weekend. So no, I didn't parent differently.”

If we are not paying attention, our negativity bias takes over and that is how you end up with guilt, shame, and built-in fear of messing up in the future — never getting it right.

The reason I always talked about parenting with gratitude is because it's an intentional way to look back over your weekend and override that negativity bias.

The simple yet effective practice looks like this: I'm gonna look over Saturday, and I'm gonna find five to 10 things that went well, or five to 10 things that I'm grateful for. Maybe they're small moments, maybe they're big moments, but you know what? You forgot. You forgot you're a good mom. And I guarantee you're gonna find five to 10 — I bet you could find 20. And then you're going to do that with Sunday.

And this is the practice of parenting with gratitude. It's looking over our lives with intention and saying, “I am not going to let the negativity bias ruin my week — I'm not going to enter into the mom guilt, shame cycle, because I am going to practice gratitude.”

And the more we do this, the more we look over our yesterday's for the good the more we can experience those situations in real time and begin to notice them the moment they happen. And in those moments, we can feel its positivity even deeper because we are present with the ones we love. And we are not doubting ourselves. We are not feeling lonely, and we are not somewhere inside of our anxiety or depression.

So I want you to ask yourself, did I parent differently yesterday? If you immediately go to a “too much” or “not enough” or that one thing that you just screwed up I want you to take the time to go through and look for the things that did go right because there are lots.

🤍 Stef

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