Yes, the kids are worse for you - and now there's proof.
Uncover why the kids are worse for us and what we can do about it as moms.
So, you might have seen a TikTok recently claiming that kids are 800 times worse for their parents. It went viral, but here's the kicker – the so-called "study" it was based on was total fiction, cooked up by Mom News Daily. Still, it resonated with so many of us, and there's a reason why. Kids ARE worse for their parents, especially their mothers. But it's because they feel comfortable, safe, and supported around us. It's kind of like when you're with your best friend. You say and do things you'd never dream of at a cocktail party (unless you're three drinks in, of course!).
This is NOT REAL! But it feels it!
Kids with secure attachments know their parents will love and protect them no matter what - in fact, they rely on this fact for all of their growth. Without this feeling of safety and support, they would never explore their world and take risks. Think about it – it's much easier to try new things at work when you have a kind, supportive boss who won't fire you for making mistakes. Now try that except on overdrive - unconditional love means we are not going anywhere. And if your kid knows that — that’s a win, Mama.
But yes, there's no denying that sometimes being a mom feels like you've drawn the short straw, and it's not just now and then, but all the time. From the moment they wake up to when they go to sleep, it can feel like you're their personal punching bag. When you want one thing done, they are on the floor kicking and screaming. When you pick them up from a playdate, you’re told what an amazing eater they are. When they head out for the day with your partner or your parent, they're all sunshine and rainbows, and they all have “such a great time!”
For me, that last one stings the most. I know that if I were to take the kids to the Discovery Museum or the beach, some of it would be fun, but it would also be a constant tug of war. And when my partner or parents tell me about their amazing outings, it's hard not to feel a little resentment. Thoughts like, "How could you go out and have a good time? Motherhood should be like that for me!" sneak in. But the hard truth is that I'm the mother and those picture-perfect moments I thought I was destined for rarely happen. And there's real grief in that, Mama. I still feel it, even though my kids are almost teens.
And those experiences you thought you were destined for, the cuddly couch moments, the sharing of a picnic on the beach, the laughing together as you push the grocery cart, they die a death that breaks your heart. You thought motherhood would be filled with these moments, and it’s just not. And there is tremendous grief around that Mama. I know, I feel it still. It’s a sort of death, of all the experiences you thought would make motherhood feel worth it.
I think it’s important to talk about this grief because it is what binds us together as a community of moms. It’s the ideal we were fed that we would love motherhood, that it was so full of meaning that the crap that goes with it, the daily slog, the cultural expectations to be a super mom, the unequal distribution of the emotional load — that it would be all “worth it” but it falls short.
And maybe that’s why you are here on my page parentdifferently.com - because you want to find a way to parent differently - to parent with joy, fun, and gratitude because the daily grind just kinda sucks, doesn’t it? Well, I will tell you that there is no magic solution, but I do have a few ideas that will make it suck less. Starting by taking a step back and looking at your life from 8,000 feet up. What are you grateful for? What makes YOU a GoodAF mom? What parts of your life just light you up? What makes you excited to be alive? These are your “whys,” the reasons you get out of bed in the morning - and they matter even if they are a little cheesy. They matter because they are the foundation which you build every single day upon. A good intention will get you far, Mama (and that’s one of the reasons it’s the first step in the Parenting with Gratitude™ equation more here on that).
Long Term Practice to try
Gratitude and Savoring. Once you have your WHY in hand, the next thing you can try is Savoring - and I have a whole podcast on this practice. Whether it's your child's birthday or any special time, focus on your five senses – notice the crinkle of wrapping paper, the joy in their giggle, the smell of cupcakes baking, and the softness of their favorite shirt. Take your time to savor these moments, and they'll grow in your memory.
Something to do this week:
So, I’m not going to leave you high and dry here - It's important to address the sadness and discomfort, but it's also crucial to find immediate relief. For me, this is where a YES Day thrives.
A YES Day is a day when you say yes. A YES Day is a carefully planned and boundary-set day when you say "yes" more than usual. Discuss with your child how it'll look and what rules should be in place. Be prepared, and make it a special day, an oasis of joy and happiness in the midst of everyday life. Then, put your day on the calendar, the anticipation will be palpable! And on that day, be ready to savor the look on your kid’s face when you say yes, the fun things they come up with, and you do together - it will take you through a few more weeks. And maybe you put a yes day on the calendar every month - or once a school break - or just once a year. Whatever you do, it will be special, and I hope you enjoy the moments because a YES Day is really for you.
Don't forget, even when no one else in your house seems to notice, you are a GoodAF mom - Stef
What to read next…
Why Most Parenting Advice Doesn't Work.
Looking to experts makes sense, but have you ever felt worse after trying a few hacks and tricks? Me too. This is why…
Parenting can be a real sh*&show, with ups and downs, challenges, and moments of sheer joy. And our commitment to becoming “better” parents often motivates us to look to books, experts, and well-meaning advice from family and friends. But have you ever wondered why some of that advice feels like it doesn’t fit your child (or your patience level)? And it just leaves you feeling frustrated and like a failure? Well, you’re not alone. We’re gonna talk about the reasons why common parenting advice seems like a setup and uncover a few hidden truths that can transform your approach to this thing we call “motherhood.”
The Cycle of Shame and Blame
One of the main reasons most parenting advice fails is that it’s written for a broad audience. And while inclusivity is important, a generalized approach can overlook where we are in our self-healing journey and the emotional complexity we experience as mothers. For example, when we're triggered by our children's behavior and asked to “remain calm”, for some of us, that can feel impossible. The resulting onslaught of shame and blame (aka Mom Guilt) feeds an ongoing cycle: we feel small, flawed, and never good enough. Recognizing that shame is a powerful emotion, as highlighted by Brené Brown, allows us to approach parenting with greater self-compassion and understanding.
“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” - Brené Brown
Understanding Inner Motivation
Examining our inner motivations is crucial to navigating the complicated task of modern parenting. Are we striving to be more present parents and foster deeper connections with our children, or are we solely focused on changing their behavior? Uncovering your true intentions will help match your daily actions and expectations with what truly matters to you and your children. For instance, if we find ourselves hating to repeat instructions, that may come from feeling unheard and unimportant. And if we look deeper, we might discover that this is a wound from our own childhood that we unintentionally bring into our parenting. In reality, many children respond to different methods of instruction, but if our wounds bring us directly to frustration, we will never have the chance to access our creativity and curiosity about our children’s motivations.
The Complexity of Communication
And when it comes to communication and getting our children to listen, it's essential to consider their unique temperaments and needs. What works for one child may not work for another. For example, expecting an immediate response from a child deep in imaginative play might require something different than simply asking. Understanding that some children respond better to touch or gentle reminders allows us to adapt our communication styles and build stronger connections with them.
The Power of Self-Work
Parenting advice can be valuable, but it becomes truly effective when combined with self-work. Each child is unique, and so are you. Embracing and honoring everyone’s uniqueness, rather than trying to fit it all into a mold of generalized parenting “hacks,” can be crucial. Engaging in self-reflection, gratitude practices, mindfulness, therapy, and empathy towards ourselves and our children creates a nice foundation for THEN implementing expert advice with much better chances for success.
“Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.” - Brené Brown
Embracing your inner GoodAF Mom
To be the best mom we can be, it's important to remember that we are already GoodAF. Yes you are worthy of the title even if you are imperfect — in fact, embracing our imperfections is key to building healthy relationships with our children. The internal dialogue and expectations we place on ourselves often complicate our interactions more than the actual situations themselves. By prioritizing our own well-being and investing in self-work, we can approach parenting from a place of authenticity, empathy, and love.
While parenting advice can provide guidance and insights, it's essential to recognize its limitations. Honoring our emotional journeys, the individuality of our children, and the need for personal growth enables us to navigate motherhood with greater grace and equanimity. By embracing our GoodAF Mom intentions and combining self-work with expert advice, we can create a nurturing environment that celebrates our children's unique strengths and honors their overall well-being.
Remember, you are a GoodAF mom, capable of navigating this beautiful and chaotic journey just with the wisdom of your heart alone. - Stef