#MomLife Unfiltered: 5 Essential Ways to Keep It Real
Gratitude serves as a foundation for nurturing connections with other parents and broadening our perspective. It empowers us to embrace our parenting mishaps as integral parts of our journeys, ensuring they do not overshadow our achievements.
“Gratitude serves as a foundation for nurturing connections with other parents and broadening our perspective. It empowers us to embrace our parenting mishaps as integral parts of our journeys, ensuring they do not overshadow our achievements.”
Have you ever found yourself scrolling social, comparing your parenting journey to those seemingly perfect families online? Or perhaps you've tried a 'quick and easy' toddler activity only to find it took hours to set up?
You're not alone. As mothers, we often wrestle with the pressure of high expectations, whether it's the quest for the perfect family photo or the desire for our little ones to embrace every meal we prepare. Just as Shakespeare once said, 'Expectations are the root of heartache.' These unattainable standards can affect how we view our success, self-worth, and even our daily interactions with our children — and they have a lot to do with just how loud our Mom Guilt can get.
The pursuit of high expectations and the desire for life to be a “certain way” are not new, and neither are their resulting negative consequences. They can lead to apathy, stress, and anxiety. These “high standards” can impose rules on our lives that feel so solid and unbreakable—until you start to notice they don’t have to be.
Here are five ways you can adjust your worldview and ground your expectations. Grounded expectations are not about letting things go or even going with the flow; instead, they are rooted in curiosity. What will happen when I try this new baby sleep routine? Or when I substitute sweet potatoes for carrots in this toddler meal? They allow room for growth through experience - and yes, even for mistakes.
Let’s get grounded:
1. Self-Awareness
Take the time to learn more about yourself as a parent. Explore your strengths and areas where you might need support. For example, you might discover that your patience and creativity make you excellent at finding fun toddler activities. Alternatively, you may realize that you thrive in a more flexible daily routine, and that's okay too. We are all unique parents, and what brings happiness and fulfillment can vary greatly from one parent to another. Getting to know yourself better is the first step in making parenting choices that align with your true desires and your child's needs.
2. Social Connection
Seek social connection and support from other parents. It's that reassuring feeling of 'Oh, it's not just me,' like when you discover that the struggles of motherhood are common to us all. This expanded viewpoint helps to balance and validate our personal experiences in realistic ways. For example, when you connect with other moms who have had success introducing toothbrushing, you can gain valuable insights that may help your personal toddler struggle. Through social support, you can establish parenting expectations grounded in real information (It took 6 months!), ultimately offering a more balanced approach to setting expectations for your family's future.
3. Practice Gratitude
Practicing gratitude is a valuable skill, and yes, it can be challenging in a world driven by constant comparison. But it is an essential component of grounded expectations in the world of parenting. Gratitude serves as a foundation for nurturing connections with other parents and broadening our perspective. It empowers us to embrace our parenting mishaps as integral parts of our journeys, ensuring they do not overshadow our achievements. This website is a treasure trove of gratitude ideas - jump in!
4. Cultivate Optimism
This is not about being happy all the time; it's about nurturing the inherent goodness in our parenting journey. Martin Seligman, often regarded as the father of positive psychology, encourages us to view our inner dialogue as a simple way to cultivate optimism as a parent. He emphasizes that 'changing the destructive things you say to yourself when you experience the setbacks that life deals all of us is the central skill of optimism.’
5. Practice Mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness, which involves noticing without judgment, is essential for avoiding getting too wrapped up in what 'could have been.' Overcoming our natural thought patterns takes practice. Mindfulness can take the form of a quick breathing exercise or simply taking a moment to be present with your little one. The key is to leave all judgment on the sidelines.
Remember, in the messy journey of motherhood, embracing your authentic self and grounding your expectations can lead to a more joyful and fulfilling parenting experience for both you and your little ones. After all good enough is GoodAF in my book - Stef
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How to Stay Grounded Amidst Parenting Chaos
Equanimity, a word not often heard in everyday conversation, is simply learning the skills of emotional groundedness and non-reactivity. Cultivating equanimity can be a transformative practice in the whirlwind of motherhood and its overwhelming moments.
Cultivating Equanimity: Finding Emotional Groundedness Amidst the Chaos
Understanding Equanimity: The Key to Overcoming Overwhelm and Anxiety
Equanimity, a word not often heard in everyday conversation, is simply learning the skills of emotional groundedness and non-reactivity. Cultivating equanimity can be a transformative practice in the whirlwind of motherhood and its overwhelming moments. In this blog post, I will get into the concept of equanimity, explore its relevance to motherhood, and uncover practical strategies for embracing it amidst the chaos. Let’s learn more about equanimity by understanding what it is not. We can learn to navigate the storms of motherhood with grace, resilience, and a sense of calm if we also understand the different states of overwhelm many mothers experience.
Motherhood presents us with two distinct forms of overwhelm. The first pops up when we feel saturated and like we have NO choices. We get caught in a sensory overload or a whirlwind of emotions. We freeze, feel stuck, and powerless. The second type emerges from uncertainty and anxiety, where our minds fill the void of "not knowing" with so many horrible possibilities. We spin our wheels, consumed by worry and indecision. Both forms of overwhelm can leave us feeling trapped and emotionally drained.
Weathering the Storm: Equanimity as a Powerful Tool for Stress Management
Motherhood, particularly in the first five years, is filled with constant stress activation. As stress researcher Dr. Elissa Epel emphasizes in her book, "The Stress Prescription," everyone has a unique stress starting baseline. This “baseline” determines how much additional stress we can handle. When our baseline is already high due to the challenges of motherhood, unexpected events (insert toddler playing in the toilet) can cause it to spike even higher. And since we carry a higher baseline during this part of our lives, developing equanimity becomes essential for maintaining balance amidst the chaos.
Imagine motherhood as a house you've built on a beautiful piece of land. The weather that comes and goes represents the ever-changing nature of children—sometimes sunny, other times stormy. Some days are delightful, while others bring destruction and chaos. However, much like the weather, we cannot control our children's behavior entirely. Instead, we must focus on responding to the storms they bring and finding equanimity in the face of challenging moments.
Building Equanimity: Practices for Grounding and Regulating
To develop equanimity, it is essential to engage in grounding/mindfulness practices regularly. These practices allow us to find emotional stability amidst the storm. The one I always start with is getting outside to take a walk and deliberately noticing the awe-inspiring elements of my surroundings. A simple walk around the block, focusing on gratitude for our community, can bring a sense of calm to both ourselves and the toddler will bring along.
Interacting with pets is another great source of grounding and regulation. If they let you, taking the time to brush the family dog or engaging in playtime with cats helps anchor us in the present moment. Animals possess a remarkable ability to offer comfort and regulation, even during chaotic times.
Unveiling the Power of Equanimity: How Mindfulness Transforms Parenting
Ok, and finally, utilizing moments of calm and sunshine to practice mindfulness allows us to experience the present moment fully. A body scan is a simple practice where we explore each part of our bodies while expressing gratitude for their contributions to our well-being. It can be done anywhere you find yourself sitting. You can also practice mindfulness by active listening. While your preschooler tells you his story for the nth time, stay in the present moment, notice your thoughts, and let them pass. Allow your attention to rest completely on the content of their story. Ask questions, and engage only when they finish their run-on sentences.
These seemingly simple grounding exercises lay the foundation for cultivating equanimity. And they can be practiced when things are GOOD, not out of control.
Empowering Yourself with Equanimity: Cultivating Emotional Strength and Perspective
It is important to remember that equanimity does not overwrite or replace big emotions or challenging situations. Instead, it allows us to navigate them confidently, free from excessive reactivity or resistance (even if it’s just 10% less reactivity). By embracing equanimity, we acknowledge that stressors come from outside of us, but trigger internal responses. Cultivating this relationship with stressors empowers us to respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.
Embracing Grace and Equanimity: Finding Peace amidst the Challenges of Motherhood
As mothers, we often blame ourselves for the chaos and self-doubt that can accompany parenting. However, it is important to recognize that these challenges are not our fault. Embracing equanimity means offering ourselves grace and accepting the realities of motherhood without judgment. Through this self-compassionate lens, we can find peace within the storm.
In the journey of motherhood, cultivating equanimity is a valuable practice that allows us to weather ups and downs with grace, resilience, and calm. By differentiating between overwhelming states and the groundedness of equanimity, we can develop strategies to find emotional stability amidst the chaos. Remember, even with all the messiness and challenges, you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef
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The Struggle is Real
What is “benefit finding” and how does it work for my parenting life?
Parenting is not all roses and unicorns - this is obvious. So then why do we feel the need to show it off that way?
I hope that on this blog I can make it clear that being positive all the time is not the ultimate goal. My overall well-being and yours is the goal - not blind optimism.
So if you’re unhappy or feel like your wellness journey has been put on the back burner — or left in childless life — you’re in the right place. Burning out is something that happens to us all and these days it happens even faster than before BECAUSE of the perfect parenting messages we receive and our surrounded by on the daily.
I know you are an amazing parent.
You’re here reading this after all. I just think (myself included) that we forget to look at all the good things we do every day because the “bad” is so heavy and LOUD. When we hurt our kids it feels awful - like so, so bad. When we are tired we get triggered, when we have emotional baggage or trauma it comes out, when we are burned out we are not able to parent the way we want.
But you aren’t all bad - you are a loving and kind parent whose intentions are good — and because of that truth I also know there are a million things you are doing right each day. So by using a daily gratitude scan to notice the good we can fight the jump to mom-shame or self-doubt.
Here’s the kicker though - our parenting experience is also a growth opportunity and so we don’t ignore those tougher moments, the yelling the mom-tantrums, and/or apathy.
We must open to both the good and the bad - and allow space for both. Why? Well #1: because we all make mistakes and modeling making mistakes is just good parenting, especially if you follow up with an apology — but also #2: Because scientific magic happens when we acknowledge both our suffering AND our positive moments.
When we reside in difficult circumstances like the ongoing stress we have felt throughout the pandemic, if we are able to notice both our suffering and the silver lining of our circumstances and hold them as equally important we provide our brains the opportunity to grow what are called “benefit finding” muscles that support our overall resiliency.
What is Benefit-Finding? Well at its simplest definition it is finding the silver lining in tough situations - ones that may cause a significant amount of personal suffering.
From the book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.:
“To my ears, benefit finding sounds like the kind of positive thinking that tries to scurry away from the reality of suffering: Let’s look on the bright side so we don’t have to feel the pain or think about the loss.
But despite my own allergic reaction, this research doesn't suggest that the most helpful mindset is a Pollyannish insistence on turning everything bad into something good. Rather it’s the ability to notice the good as you cope with things that are difficult. In fact, being able to see both the good and the bad is associated with better long-term outcomes than focusing purely on the upside…Looking for the good in stress helps most when you are also able to realistically acknowledge whatever suffering is also present.”
Tough times are not a good thing - no one wishes pandemic parenting on you so you can grow. However, learning to accept that the tough times will be part of the whole modern parenting package and still see within them the good also helps with the feelings of helplessness. The helplessness that may be spurred by burnout - like there is not enough time or energy to do all that is demanded of you. When you can see your circumstances as both temporary and also beneficial (even in the smallest way) you can adjust your mindset enough to regain your footing.
This week has been tough for me - it wasn’t one major thing that happened but just a piling on of a lot. I felt heavy I wasn’t sleeping well. My office was a total mess. I felt out of routine and like my personal goals were not being met. It has been funky!! On top of that, every time my kids are sick and have to stay home from school (which this week happened) I go into pandemic whiplash — like: WHEN AM I EVER GONNA HAVE TIME FOR ME AGAIN!!
But by bringing a silver lining perspective to these types of days (or weeks) I can begin to find the way out of my funk. And I no longer fight my reality. These weeks happen, but compared to 2020 this is NOTHING! And I look at my feelings with curiosity. Is there anything I can do to help out myself? No, ok. Then what can I find in this week that is good and beneficial - oh, I am going to bed earlier because I am tired! Well, more sleep is always a good thing! I am can’t clean my office but I cleaned the dining table and worked there - so that clutter is gone yay! etc, etc.
Once I can find the silver lining it gives me the confidence needed to say “This is temporary!” then I step into a more equanimous outlook: It is what it is, for now! I will ride this out and use my gratitude practice to gain some much-needed perspective. My kids are happy and healthy my extended family, the same. We live in a beautiful place and have 3 adorable happy cats. I have access to clean water and get to exercise every single day - and take a shower!! (which back in the baby days I would have died for).
Things are both good and not so good - and that O.K. right now.
Share where you are at in the comments below! -Stef
It is what it is : Parenting with Equanimity
An “It is what it is” mentality is another way to phrase equanimity. The acceptance of your personal reality: there is good and there is bad and then there is everything in between.
I want to live a more open life. I want to accept all the parts of me, of my parenting journey.
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Therapy has taught me that even after you talk about trauma it doesn’t go away. So there’s really not a solution or Magic Eraser you can use.
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What happens is it becomes lighter to carry. I can look at moments from my childhood and say, “yep, that was hard.” but they aren’t as charged or heavy as they used to be.
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This is called equanimity. An “It is what it is” mentality. The acceptance of your personal reality: there is good and there is bad and then there is everything in between.
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You may think oh this is the zero f**ks people always talk about - but no, it’s not passive acceptance either. You’ve just got to choose your battles if you want your voice to be heard.
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Equanimity starts with the acceptance that we cannot control change. It’s our only constant. This makes life beautiful and terrifying all at once.
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I do not have control over anyone else’s actions except for my own. I do not have control over the sun or the tides or whether the person next-door decides to go to rehab or read just one more mystery novel.
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Can I fight and claw for that control? Yes. I can watch and gossip and wonder all I want about the neighbors. I can hover and “Care” and coax my children to be more polite or a bit less loud when they are excited or care about clean floors as much as I do.
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But the thing is we live in the reality we create for ourselves – and at some point we have to decide if that world is going to our own authentic experience or one that we hold so tightly to that we can’t actually see what’s true anymore.
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What would you choose?