Parenting Imperfectly IRL : Week 40, 2021

Here’s what the past week (week 40, 2021) was like for me on my quest to parent differently.

My intentions were:

Don’t get bogged down by Mercury in Retrograde.

Even if you feel like you aren’t making mental health progress today today - you are.

Trust the experts when it comes to telling your story.

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Parenting last week was a bit of a whirlwind. I had my son home on Monday and was starting to have quarantine flashbacks of him never leaving again 😂but he felt better on Tuesday so back to school he went. Do you stay on track when your kids are home from school? Most of my self-care went right out the window!

I am walking 2.5 miles a day and I love it. I go right after school drop off and I am committed to five days a week — I find it to be a lot of fun to be honest. In the past, I would have counted the minutes I was not working in order to exercise (and shower after) but these days it is a concrete part of my routine, so much so that my planning for the day only begins once I have walked and showered.

I made time for coffee with my bestie this week in SF and peeked in on my book which graces the shelves of the cutest toy store in Noe Valley - Mamapundi Kids. If you are local grab your copy there and help to support another woman owned business.

I have been swept away by a wave of inspiration and am almost finished a drawing/painting of pincushion flowers - that although are native to South Africa grow along the coast of Central California and I just love their graphic nature.

We headed to Southern California for a family vacation with the grandparents - our last trip of 2021. Time to slow down a bit as the weather grows colder and evenings darker and put my writer’s cap back on. I will keep you updated on the progress of my book “Parenting with Gratitude” as I make the big push to get it finished this year - wish me luck!

My orange tabby is so good at reminding me that we all carry the ability to be still in a way that is both majestic and soul filling. I want that moment for all of us - don’t you?

-Stef

Gratitude Before Mindfulness…

Listen to this post as a podcast:

Let me explain my thinking here…

Let’s dive into my trusty “Snowstorm Metaphor” — I developed this as a way to open the book I am writing called GoodAF Mom (still in progress sign up to be notified here!).

Often when I find myself struggling as a parent to stay mindful and present I revisit it to remind myself just how simple mindfulness can be.

I am originally from New England, so naturally this metaphor came to me while driving one day in beautiful California feeling absolutely GRATEFUL for no snow, ever.

The metaphor

Imagine you are driving on the highway and it has been snowing for maybe an hour or two - it’s not coming down too hard, but it’s not a light dusting either. Your exit arrives and you notice that the snow has built up somewhat on the ramp. But you’re by yourself and have driven in snow your whole life so you’re not too worried about the ramp or the roads on your way home. You slightly decrease your speed as you come down the ramp and head home without much worry.

Now imagine that same exit with kids in the backseat. Not wanting to get into an accident in freezing cold weather, you’re instantly worried and immediately slow down. You turn down Raffi and become hyper-focused on the cars and pedestrians around you. There’s a sudden hush in the back seat as your little ones absorb your rising anxiety level and you take it super slow and methodical all the way home, getting there a bit past bedtime, but totally safe.

Now imagine that same exit ramp, except this time a plow has been over it recently. You can see the deep dark road showing through the freshly cleared snow and you know you will have some grip on the turns home. Maybe you release your grip on the steering wheel a little and keep the music at its normal volume — all while keeping a steady gaze at the road and other cars nearby. You let your anxiety ease up a bit too, and get home with plenty of time for bedtime.

OK, so what does it all mean?

I am guessing it’s pretty obvious that the snowstorm in the metaphor is life and everything that it brings with it, right? We are not in control of the snow or how hard or soft it falls, whether or not it melts in the atmosphere and becomes rain, or evaporates to allow the sun to shine down. It’s all just weather.

Privilege, race, and other cultural factors place us all in different cars, but no matter what you drive, the path that leads you home is mindful awareness. Along the mindfulness path, we learn to respond instead of react, to bring compassion and love to every aspect of our journey no matter what others may think, to give of ourselves for the betterment of others, and to notice that we have exactly what we need right now in this very moment. Mindfulness can guide us to a cozy, safe, and warm home, where we are loved for who we are, right now, with no judgment.

I want to make it clear that the path can be taken unplowed. You can add mindfulness to your to-do list and it can become a solid, committed part of your daily life — with hard work. And if you have kids in the back seat it will take diligence and a steady hand, but it can be done — I see people doing all around me, all of the time.

But wouldn’t you rather take the road that was plowed? Even a little bit?

Well, that road is plowed with gratitude.

I consider gratitude the simplest and smoothest path you can take to a life filled with mindfulness and well-being.

Yes, a basic mindfulness practice would be enough if maybe I didn’t have really loud kids in the back seat (who trigger my childhood trauma at every turn). If it was quieter I may even get to a place of deep well-being easily with a solid yoga, meditation, and breath-work practice.

But I have kids and trauma - and they are both loud and take up a lot of my attention. My kids still really NEED me to be thinking of them first. And trauma doesn’t really go away does it? With therapy, it becomes something more manageable, but it’s still there sitting in the trunk of the car. And so I have to stay focused, maybe not white-knuckling my way along our shared life’s path, but I’ve still got to drive.

And so I would prefer the plowed road. Wouldn’t you?

Every day I chose gratitude as my snowplow. It’s my stepping stone towards a more mindful life. I gave it a try and it paid off for me. And now I want that for you and for all parents — because it ended up being so simple! It wasn’t a chore or a big, life-changing spiritual experience. It was so easy to look at my life and find things I was thankful for because I have kids. Because I have a source of love and laughter and silliness already in my life.

Because they were in the car with me, gratitude came naturally.

WHo is in your car?

How do you plow the road then?

How do you come to accept that among the unpredictable weather there is freedom and peace (and the possibility for a few snow angels)?

You buy yourself a Gratitude Journal and you wake up each morning, scan your yesterday, and write down 10 things you are grateful for. That’s it. And you do this every single day (trying not to skip).

If you do this I promise you gratitude will change you. It will make everything else on the mindfulness “path” - the awareness, the meditation, the PATIENCE - appear at the right time, as if the road had been plowed. The anxiety will fade, the music and laughter will remain, and your kids will make it to the next part of their journey in plenty of time for bed.

So if you decide that you would like to skip the white-knuckled path to mindfulness and try a smoother route please let me know how went for you fill out my gratitude survey here and be part of my upcoming book!

Just an FYI: In my experience, it seemed to take about 4 to 6 weeks to really notice the changes — but I am confident they will come and I will be excited to hear more from you when they do!

till next time - Stef

Parenting Imperfectly IRL : Week 38, 2021

Here’s what the past week (week 38, 2021) was like for me on my quest to parent differently.

My intentions are:

To be kind, to model apologies, to give myself grace

and to find gratitude in every moment.

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Last week was a nice calm week which kicked off with World Gratitude Day AND International Day of Peace - I want to start all weeks with that much positivity!

Now that the school year is in full swing the tough mornings are back as well as the return of “hating school” - the novelty wore off quick! Do you have a child you hates school? What do you do to help them stay positive?

I am in the middle of reading the book “The Upside of Stress: Why Stress is Good For You and How to get Good at It” by Kelly McGonigal and so far I love the actionable advice offered. One suggestion in the book was to look to your values when you are stressed. So I made this for my phone background…

And when I feel stressed I will look at my values and it’s supposed to help shift my mindset away from the stress and instead towards the meaning in my life. I’m excited to see it in action!

I am yearning to be able to rest like my cat does * as needed * and have started to include 10 minutes of hammock time before school pick up to my schedule.

I hope you have a great week!

-Stef

p.s. Despite the nights getting chillier, I am still in denial about Fall.

Parenting Imperfectly IRL : Week 37, 2021

Here’s what the past week (week 37, 2021) was like for me on my quest to parent differently.

My intentions are:

To accept imperfection as the goal and not the obstacle.

To find gratitude in every moment.

And to shift my mindset from one of stress as burden to one of finding deeper meaning in the journey.

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A kid-free reset was needed so I headed to Calistoga with my best friend for a dip in the mineral pools and the perfect recharge filled with connection and laughter.

I took some time this week to reflect on the mindfulness tools I offer to you. I have decided to add a new one to the mix - and I even got one pre-order! Thank you for supporting my small business with a mission.

I have officially been a parent for 13 years! Easy and hard all at the same time. I injured my hip on my way back from Calistoga which resulting it parenting in pain - and a few very hard and not my best evenings.

I ended up here: My kids are my everything, but I am my everything too. Parenthood is not the only thing that defines me. I do.

And the cats, as per usual, were still living their best life despite us all being in their space. Have a great week!

-Stef

Caregiver Burnout - Let's Be Real

With society’s constant pressures to be a perfect and attentive parent, we are all ripe for Parental or Caregiver Burnout or even what the Mayo Clinic calls ‘Caregiver Stress.’

Not sure if you have Caregiver Burnout? Maybe you are just overtired or anxious? Take the quiz! Or look at the color chart I have included.

Don’t want to take the quiz? Simply check to see if you have felt more than one of these in the past week:

• Totally overwhelmed or feeling trapped

• Exhausted by 3 pm

• Getting too much sleep or not enough

• Major weight fluctuation

• Flying off the handle - a lot

• Feeling depressed or uninterested in activities you used to enjoy

• Resentful of your children

• Drinking/smoking/self-medicating (more than usual…)

• isolating from friends or family (more than usual…)

• Your body has decided to become stiff and sore — or new issues like stomachaches/headaches have started to appear on the regular.

I’m surprised Caregiver burnt-out wasn’t talked about BEFORE the pandemic based on this list!

So How do I fix this?

Listen, there’s actually a big list of ways, and I quote the Mayo Clinic directly below, but I want you to know you are not alone. The struggles of modern parenting and what many sociologists call Intensive Parenting are real for us all. I always seem to be bouncing in and out of burnt-out (or yellow and orange). The goal is to live in the yellow or green for longer by caring for ourselves when we are in the orange and definitely the red.

Understanding Caregiver Burnout:

Caregiver burnout is a result of the tremendous responsibilities and pressures placed on modern mothers. The demands of caregiving can be emotionally draining and physically exhausting, leading to a decline in our health and well-being. Symptoms of caregiver burnout are listed above but may include feeling: overwhelmed, extremely tired, changes in sleep patterns, weight fluctuations, irritability, depression, social isolation, and neglecting one's own needs.

The Power of Gratitude in Combating Burnout:

1. It makes you feel better - in all the ways. Numerous studies have highlighted the positive impact of practicing gratitude on mental well-being. Expressing gratitude has been linked to lower levels of stress, depression, and anxiety. By focusing on the positive aspects of caregiving and acknowledging the support received from others, you can shift your mindset and reduce the overwhelm. No, you don’t have to ignore the bad - shift your focus a little and look for the good - it’s there, I promise you.

2. It makes your relationships happier. Gratitude encourages you to see the positive aspects of your relationships and enhances social connection. So if you express gratitude towards the people in your life who support you, whether it’s family, friends, or people you hire, this cultivates stronger bonds. And social support acts as a buffer against future burnout by providing a sense of understanding and shared responsibility.

3. It helps you to stick through tough times and cope. Research suggests that gratitude plays a vital role in enhancing resilience and coping mechanisms. When you adopt a grateful mindset, it’s like you’re saying, “I will make the effort to find meaning and purpose in my role.” Taking on parenthood as a learning opportunity instead of a source of stress allows you to reframe the chaos as an opportunity for growth, which it certainly is — and that leads to greater resilience in the face of adversity.

4. It provides simple and free self-care and mindfulness. Practicing gratitude encourages you to prioritize self-care. Once you stop to notice what you have, you may see what you lack — basic needs like sleep and calories are my guess. You can prevent future burnout by acknowledging your non-negotiables, but within those overwhelming moments where you choose to pause, expressing gratitude and savoring them will help to extend their impact. Gratitude promotes mindfulness, helping you stay present, in the moment, and appreciate the small pleasures of motherhood.

5. It grounds you emotionally. Taking care of kids non-stop can lead to emotional exhaustion and feeling like you are totally isolated. Gratitude serves as a powerful tool in countering these negative emotions. Engaging in daily gratitude practices, such as keeping a gratitude journal or expressing appreciation to oneself, helps caregivers cultivate positive emotions and find joy in their caregiving journey. You can try out a new practice each day by joining my 10-week How To Parent with Gratitude Series here (its free.)

Caregiver burnout is serious. If you are in the orange or the red, that requires attention and proactive strategies for prevention and management - scroll to the bottom of the page for more from the Mayo Clinic.

The power of gratitude in combating burnout is priceless for prevention.

By incorporating gratitude practices into your daily routine, you won’t go as deep into the overwhelm, you will be willing to ask for help sooner and tough out hard times more easily. You will prioritize easy and free self-care and strengthen your overall happiness and groundedness. As moms, we can express gratitude for the meaningful moments and the support we receive because there are so many opportunities to do so. And I hope that you always remember that no matter your mindset, you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef

PLease: If you are burned out, especially in red, please tell your partner, or a close friend, or see your doctor.

Sometimes it helps to set up a code word with them - Or if you can’t, make sure to explain to them that “when I am taking naps every day at 2 pm, that’s not normal for me” so they know when to step in and be there for you without you having to ask.

For additional help you can call: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or text HOME to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line

And you can find parenting support here: 1-800-632-8188 - The Parent Stress Line Confidential and Anonymous Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Try these Next:

Here’s the Mayo Clinic’s List of things you can do for Caregiver Burn out since I am not a doctor or a psychologist - Read the full article here:

"The emotional and physical demands involved with caregiving can strain even the most resilient person. That's why it's so important to take advantage of the many resources and tools available to help you provide care for your loved one. Remember, if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for anyone else.

To help manage caregiver stress:

• Accept help. Be prepared with a list of ways that others can help you, and let the helper choose what he or she would like to do. For instance, a friend may offer to take the person you care for on a walk a couple of times a week. Or a friend or family member may be able to run an errand, pick up your groceries or cook for you.

• Focus on what you are able to provide. It's normal to feel guilty sometimes, but understand that no one is a "perfect" caregiver. Believe that you are doing the best you can and making the best decisions you can at any given time.

• Set realistic goals. Break large tasks into smaller steps that you can do one at a time. Prioritize, make lists and establish a daily routine. Begin to say no to requests that are draining, such as hosting holiday meals.

• Get connected. Find out about caregiving resources in your community. Many communities have classes specifically about the disease your loved one is facing. Caregiving services such as transportation, meal delivery or housekeeping may be available.

• Join a support group. A support group can provide validation and encouragement, as well as problem-solving strategies for difficult situations. People in support groups understand what you may be going through. A support group can also be a good place to create meaningful friendships.

• Seek social support. Make an effort to stay well-connected with family and friends who can offer nonjudgmental emotional support. Set aside time each week for connecting, even if it's just a walk with a friend.

• Set personal health goals. For example, set goals to establish a good sleep routine, find time to be physically active on most days of the week, eat a healthy diet and drink plenty of water.

  Many caregivers have issues with sleeping. Not getting quality sleep over a long period of time can cause health issues. If you have trouble getting a good night's sleep, talk to your doctor.

• See your doctor. Get recommended vaccinations and screenings. Make sure to tell your doctor that you're a caregiver. Don't hesitate to mention any concerns or symptoms you have”

Parenting with GRATITUDE™: A Cheatsheet

go from WTF to ‘ENough’ with gratitude:

This is your cheatsheet — a place to start — and if you are ready, go deeper here.

1. Wake up a bit earlier, nothing crazy, just like 5 minutes earlier.

2. Write down 6 to 10 things you are grateful for - this trains your brain away from the negativity bias and forces you to look over your yesterdays.

3. Remind yourself your children don’t know your past traumas or the emotional burdens you may carry.

4. Then remind yourself that they are new to this planet.

5. Go through your day and observe your children with the same awe and wonder they observe the world.

6. Start saying out loud the nice things that are already in your head.

7. Begin noticing when you’re upset and what your expectations are in that moment.

8. Before you go to bed, go to your children’s rooms, and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your body.

9. Mentally list three things you're grateful for as you get into bed.

10. Remind yourself of one magic moment or something that went well that day.

Rise and repeat.

Watch as your experience improves week over week (and it will)

Gratitude can save your Motherhood. But Parenting with Gratitude™ is not the goal - it's the method. It's the means to achieving our goal of becoming happier humans, which starts with parenting differently.

I want to parent differently than I was raised.

I want to parent differently than I did five years ago.

Let’s figure out how to become less triggered and more present…all with the help of gratitude.

Bonus Level: Watch this great video on Gratitude by Louie Schwartzberg