Parenting in a Memento Mori World
We do not know when it will end or how, so while we are here, we must cherish the moments that enrich and fulfill and do everything we can to protect those we love.
So just what is memento mori, you ask? The Latin really says it all: remember that you [have to] die. Pondering our mortality has been around since the Roman times, and I doubt that they had it any better off than we do now, but it sure does feel like I am pondering more and more these days. Sometimes I parent scared, and others I parent while I look away from the world's tragedies so I just can make it through one more day.
Sure reflecting on death and its inevitable arrival may seem morbid or maybe even a bit basic — after all, death is life's simplest truth — but the practice of memento mori is not about being sad or giving up. And although these days our American culture feels littered with reminders of our mortality, it is really about what we do next that matters.
"You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think." - Marcus Aurelius.
The tragedies don't seem to stop, and it's getting exhausting living this memento mori life. In the wake of another heart-wrenching school shooting, we kiss our babies and hold them extra tight - if we are lucky enough to. We are grateful for them and infuse them with our love. But we are also reminded of just how helpless we are to protect them - the ones we love with more than just our hearts, our whole entire beings.
The modern world has a way of throwing us into the practice of memento mori, whether we like it or not - constantly bombarded with reminders of life's limits. My (just as important) mental health work is overshadowed by ever-constant reminders that my kids are not safe, creating an underlying anxiety that I just can't shake.
I should not have to worry that they will not make it home from school, or get into a car with another teen who has been drinking. I should not have to worry that an intense bout of depression will hit, and they decide to end it all instead of asking for help. But I do. I worry. Because these things happen to families every day.
And these are the many pebbles we carry as parents. Unlike the treasured finds of toddlerhood, these rocks we can't unload onto the dresser, our pockets becoming heavier and heavier, and just full.
Life is precious and fleeting, and it's my job to keep my kids safe — and it's feeling harder and harder to do that these days.
And so I rely on the action memento mori spurs. Appreciating what I have and holding tight to the hope that love will always prevail — and letting that love dictate my next move.
Of course, if you are a long-time reader, you will probably guess that my first move is to let the feeling of gratefulness wash over me. Memento mori can be a deep and introspective way to reflect on the impermanence of things, which I think produces instant gratitude. You can't help but feel grateful for your kids as they tumble off the bus, for your garden as it bears fruit, and for your partner as they grab their coffee and run out the door.
Small moments become big, and things that didn't seem important crystalize before our eyes — gorgeous in their simplicity because they are so fleeting. But I don't think it stops there either. Because the next action I am inspired to is savor: to hold my children close and take in their smell, to bite into a deep dark juicy tomato, and to grab my partner and run my fingers through his hair.
I refuse to accept that hugging my children a little extra each day and feeling that love does not change the world - it does.
Of course, that change takes time. And so I also need to do something now, and maybe you do too? And so, I hope that you will join me in advocating for gun control in whatever way you may seem fit. I support the non-profit Moms Demand Action, and I wear orange on June 3 - 5th, and I commit to doubling down on love.
These may seem like small pieces of a much bigger pie, but it's what I can do. I hope you can find a moment to reflect and feel grateful AND to act. Our kids and our world need both.
We do not know when it will end or how, so while we are here, we must cherish the moments that enrich and fulfill and do everything we can to protect them too.
I do not get discouraged. I keep hope alive. I keep cherishing this one precious life, and I hope you can too.
The 4C's: Going Beyond Self-Care
Is your parenting complete sh$%? Maybe you’re just burned out and done? I get there too…Check this list, and try out the 4 C’s.
The 4C’s help me to maintain my well-being on a regular basis ✨or when something happens and I discover I am off track.
When I feel ‘off’ it’s usually because I am skipping one of them.
Here they are:
1. Care
2. Create
3. Connect
4. Contribute
ps. the 5th C is chocolate for me! What would it be for you?
Care is important but it also seems easier now that I have made it my intention to be happy - and my kids are older. I have time for self-care. I can take a few moments and go to the beach if I need to or just meditate for 5 minutes after lunch. Speaking of lunch - just eating lunch is care.
Create means to make something - let’s bring some beauty into this world! It can be through art, of course, but creating something could be as simple as a tasty dinner that has a bit of pizzaz. You could create a beautiful sandcastle while playing with your toddler at the park. You could make music together or alone. Anything that brings more beauty into this world and ignites the senses will work.
Connect. Connection is our quickest way to regulation. Studies have shown this time and time again that negative emotions are immediately trumped by a few minutes of good quality human interaction - and that can be as simple as being kind to your barista or asking your neighbor how their day was. It doesn’t have to be a deep soul-filling conversation with your bestie - but of course, that’s good too.
Contribute. Probably the most overlooked C on the list- at least for me. When I feel “off” typically it’s because I haven’t been of service that day, or maybe the way I do “give back” has become stagnated. The “tend and befriend” aspect of coping with stress has been studied a lot and scientists have discovered time and again that many people regulate stress best by being with other people. That includes either through caring for others (tend) or interacting conversationally (befriend). We are wired to be together - in fact, there are three zones of the brain that are activated through reaching out to help another human. That’s a lot of positive reinforcement. So if you’re stressed, it may seem counterintuitive, but finding a way to help someone will help.
The 5th C is chocolate for me - and is really a joke. Of course, we all have our ways of “dealing” and in my book, a little bit of chocolate makes me happy and it doesn’t numb me. If I can stop eating at one or two pieces I know that it’s not an unhealthy coping mechanism but a source of enjoyment and satisfaction instead.
How will the 4 C’s apply to your daily grind? I am excited to find out. Leave a comment below and let me know!
How to be a #GoodAFMom
Yes, we can have the intention to be better parents, but if that means we are unhappy parents then maybe it’s time for a system breakdown.
Listen to this post as a podcast:
James Clear, author of Atomic Habits has a famous quote:
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems…Your system is the collection of daily habits that will get you there.
It made me wonder if I had been explaining my mission clearly enough to people. Parenting differently with gratitude - but how? And what is the goal? Well, there really isn’t a goal. There’s only the person I want to be: the happy parent who shows up.
A long time ago probably right after the birth of my motherhood, I made the intention to be a better parent. To break the cycle that I had survived, and to be a kind, attentive mother who raised kind, compassionate kids.
Well, that lasted a while, but along the way the realities of modern motherhood woke the Kraken deep inside, revealing my childhood trauma and my firey Inner Critic, fueled by expansive self-doubt, and stoked by an even larger store of perfectionism.
The intention of being a “better parent” was actually making my day-to-day worse. It kept reminding me of just how much of a not-so-good parent I was - and I was losing the parts of me I loved as they were sucked into the black hole of negativity, resentment, and shame.
Let’s just say I had fallen to the level of my systems and those systems were unintentional parenting and basically one big ball of reactivity and yelling. You know — what I was modeled as a child.
I just wanted to be happy but all I felt like was a Bad Mom. Things had to change. The whole system was F-ed from the original intention down to the daily habits, I needed to start anew.
And so I decided my intention would be to be a happy person instead. If I was happy I knew all the other stuff would fall into place, it just had to. It took the focus off my kids and put it on me, this intention asked me to take a look at my triggers as well as look for things that were good AF about my life already.
With a new intention, I set out to change my “process” or the daily habits that kept me stuck in resentment and yelling because Damn It! my kids were a reflection of my success and things were not going well.
Spoiler Alert: I made it out of the Bad Mom cycle - and I have added habits along the way that only serve to solidify my happiness, I got rid of my Mom Guilt, and I became a better partner and mother along the way. Listed below are the steps I took — over three years mind you!
I hope that in time you too can take these steps and find a new collection of daily activities that help you to rise each morning feeling good AF and not like a failure because you no longer subscribe to the unreachable goal of Parent of the Year.
The new system:
Commit to daily gratitude. Take what can sometimes be a fleeting emotion, and teach your brain to embrace a more permanent state of grateful living.
The process:
Each step is anchored in a new skill (in parenthesis) that will help you to achieve each step over time.
For science-based activities and more on each skill join my 12-week free email series - and you will be guided through one skill a week.
Wake up a bit earlier, nothing crazy, just like 5 minutes earlier. (Courage)
Write down 10 things you are grateful for - this trains your brain away from the negativity bias. (Gratitude)
Remind yourself your children don’t know your past traumas or the emotional burdens you may carry. (Equanimity)
Then remind yourself that they are new to this planet. (Empathy)
Go through your day and observe your children with the same awe and wonder they observe the world. (Joy and Delight)
Start saying out loud the nice things that are already in your head. (Affirmations)
Begin noticing when you’re upset and what your expectations were at that moment. (Mindfulness)
Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. (Compassion)
Mentally list 3 things you're grateful for as you get into bed. (Courage)
Remind yourself of one thing that went well during the day. (Self Reflection)
Are you ready to set a new intention? If you are go ahead and do it now because that’s the easy part. Then you need the courage to change one daily habit, to commit to the compound effect of daily gratitude, and then watch over the coming year as your self-doubt, isolation, and shame dissapaer. And don’t forget - you are already a #GoodAFMom - Stef
25 Free Self Care Ideas
So if it’s not a trip to the nail salon then just what is self-care? And can I do it for free?
Self-care for mothers doesn’t mean running a bath because a certain product will “soothe” you — it means if you are going to take a bath doing so in a way that fills you up, in a way that supports your needs and wants at that moment in time.
Is it your need to have mom alone time? Then make sure your partner understands using solid communication that you can’t be interrupted for 60 minutes. In the end, it’s clear communication and asking for support that is self-care.
Do you want to take a moment to set goals for the next week? Then make sure you bring the items you need into the bathroom with you. Self-care here is having a plan and getting prepared for your week.
Maybe it’s the need to reset your nervous system with Enya and low lighting. If that’s the case make sure that you are set up for success and choose a time that will be a bit quieter in the house. That may mean no shared TV watching with your partner just this one night.
This is self-care. It’s a “choose yourself” mentality that gives us the opportunity to look at what is lacking in our roles are mothers (whether it’s needs or wants) and try to fulfill some of them. And it certainly should not be once a month — more like every few days. Maybe you sit in your car, turn up Britney Spears, and dance your head off on Monday, then drink an extra glass of water on Friday - if you feel cared for, then that’s good enough for this week.
If we look at self-care in the same light as we do caring for our children then we would not only meet our needs but also our wants and we can redefine it as self-mothering or simply just as CARE.
Below I provided a list of 25 ways to mother yourself on a weekly basis. My favorite is the one I do each week called Dad Fun Night. Every Monday night I disappear at 7:00 pm. Sometimes I leave the house, and sometimes I stay home but I become unavailable to the point where I wear noise-canceling headphones to make sure I am not sticking my fingers into any sticky situation that arises. My partner is in charge and I am gone.
Sometimes, my kids complain, and I say, “Why would you complain about Dad Fun Night!? What does Dad have planned that’s going to be fun?” and then I look at him because at least once a week he needs to figure it out — and over the years he has and he has created a new layer to the bond he has with our boys that maybe they wouldn’t have had.
So everyone benefits in the end, but it came from that first push, me saying, “I need one night where I’m not in charge.” That push was self-care.
take a look at the list. they’re all free and they’re all things that most of us can do. if you have more leave a comment below so that we can help each other out.
Health & Fitness
Add one glass of water to your day.
Dance party to college club music at nap time.
Meal prep yourself some easy, grab-and-go lunches for the week on Sunday.
Moisturize your hands after each diaper change hand wash.
Keep your toothbrush with your kids and brush when they brush.
Personal Development
Clean and organize one drawer.
Dress up or wear makeup “just because”.
Make a list of goals for the year - or month.
Sit in the car outside your house and jam out to your favorite song before going in.
Listen to a podcast on headphones, or put in earplugs while you make dinner, and put your partner in charge.
Spiritual
Follow the hashtag #artistmom on Instagram and fill your feed with color and beauty.
Make a list of gratitude every day.
Each lunch outside.
Look out the window and list all the colors you can find - see if your child can add any fun ones to the list.
Notice when things are beautiful, a certain melody, a colorful flower, a stranger’s kindness. Really pay attention to the good in our world.
Relationships
Ask your partner for support.
Ask your friends for support.
Teach your children the language of boundaries.
Establish an emoji that you can text to your partner when you feel worried, upset, or frustrated.
Maintain nap time, even after they drop their nap, as “quiet time”, set a timer for a reasonable amount of time.
Quality of Life
Ask a friend at the park to watch your kids for 10 minutes while you take a walk around the block, then take hers so she can do the same.
Take one night a week off completely. Disappear from view.
Take 30 min off your phone each day, put it on the charger, and in Do Not Disturb mode. Set a timer.
Lay on the couch and read a book for the entirety of nap time. Pick one day to do this weekly.
Make a recipe from your childhood.
Ready for more? Join my 12-week email series called Parenting with Gratitude. It’s free.
Parenting with Gratitude Email Series
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Parenting with Gratitude Email Series ☀️
Choose Yourself First - It's Not that Simple.
A choose yourself mindset does not mean to be selfish. It means to think through big decisions and remember that your opinion matters most.
Choose Yourself First!!? It’s not as simple as taking an afternoon off - motherhood doesn’t work that way - especially in the early years.
A “Choose Yourself First” mindset does not mean you sacrifice your kids’ happiness for your own either.
It just means taking a quick second to reflect on the things that are in your control and see if you like how they are going.
You decide for yourself if the events and/or people in your life are supported or deteriorating from your well-being. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for other people’s or cultural opinions.
And that starts from day 1:
Who do I really want inside the birthing room?
Am I breastfeeding because I want to or because of the cultural pressure of “breast is best”?
Does bed sharing feel like the right choice? Or do I want them in a crib?
And then as they grow:
Am I potty training because I’m ready or because my mother said it was time?
Do I really need to go to swim class or is it making my afternoons too insane?
By choosing yourself first, your voice has an equal or more important seat at the table.
Parent differently with this genuine and curious mindset. You’ll be grateful you tried it.
Parent Differently in 12 Weeks
Parenting with gratitude is a practice. Use these activities to stay on track and train that brain!
The timing to establish a new habit varies wildly from person to person. Studies have shown people can learn a new habit in as little as 66 days - but for some, it can take over 200.
I think 12 weeks is a safe bet for most people - and so I put together a free email series called Parenting with Gratitude™. It takes you on a 12-week journey where you will learn new habits and fun activities to boost your well-being and lessen the stressors of parenting in the modern world.
I love this series - it is the basis of my upcoming book called Parenting with Gratitude™: Parent Differently in 12 Weeks and I put everything I have learned over the past 13 years of motherhood into it. I am living these practices on the daily and let me tell you things are better around here!
My readers love the series too! I have never opened a weekly email newsletter consistently and over 3 months - but MAMAS ARE DOING IT and its AMAZING! I am so excited that what I have to say resonates so much that for 3 months readers stick with me.
Not one parenting book has ever focused exclusively on gratitude, a well-studied emotional state, habit, and trait that has been proven to provide a variety of measurable benefits - decreased depression rates, increased immune function, and cognitive rewiring, all happening in measurable periods of time.
Making use of rich personal insights and evidence-based practices, the Parenting with Gratitudes™ email series (and eventually the book too!) takes the reader on a 12-week journey where they will learn to:
notice how great of a parent they already are,
learn to choose themselves first,
lower their expectations,
take ownership of parenting imperfectly,
and to remain calm amongst the chaos of modern life.
I hope you join me on this fun and action-packed journey! - Stef
The Struggle is Real
What is “benefit finding” and how does it work for my parenting life?
Parenting is not all roses and unicorns - this is obvious. So then why do we feel the need to show it off that way?
I hope that on this blog I can make it clear that being positive all the time is not the ultimate goal. My overall well-being and yours is the goal - not blind optimism.
So if you’re unhappy or feel like your wellness journey has been put on the back burner — or left in childless life — you’re in the right place. Burning out is something that happens to us all and these days it happens even faster than before BECAUSE of the perfect parenting messages we receive and our surrounded by on the daily.
I know you are an amazing parent.
You’re here reading this after all. I just think (myself included) that we forget to look at all the good things we do every day because the “bad” is so heavy and LOUD. When we hurt our kids it feels awful - like so, so bad. When we are tired we get triggered, when we have emotional baggage or trauma it comes out, when we are burned out we are not able to parent the way we want.
But you aren’t all bad - you are a loving and kind parent whose intentions are good — and because of that truth I also know there are a million things you are doing right each day. So by using a daily gratitude scan to notice the good we can fight the jump to mom-shame or self-doubt.
Here’s the kicker though - our parenting experience is also a growth opportunity and so we don’t ignore those tougher moments, the yelling the mom-tantrums, and/or apathy.
We must open to both the good and the bad - and allow space for both. Why? Well #1: because we all make mistakes and modeling making mistakes is just good parenting, especially if you follow up with an apology — but also #2: Because scientific magic happens when we acknowledge both our suffering AND our positive moments.
When we reside in difficult circumstances like the ongoing stress we have felt throughout the pandemic, if we are able to notice both our suffering and the silver lining of our circumstances and hold them as equally important we provide our brains the opportunity to grow what are called “benefit finding” muscles that support our overall resiliency.
What is Benefit-Finding? Well at its simplest definition it is finding the silver lining in tough situations - ones that may cause a significant amount of personal suffering.
From the book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.:
“To my ears, benefit finding sounds like the kind of positive thinking that tries to scurry away from the reality of suffering: Let’s look on the bright side so we don’t have to feel the pain or think about the loss.
But despite my own allergic reaction, this research doesn't suggest that the most helpful mindset is a Pollyannish insistence on turning everything bad into something good. Rather it’s the ability to notice the good as you cope with things that are difficult. In fact, being able to see both the good and the bad is associated with better long-term outcomes than focusing purely on the upside…Looking for the good in stress helps most when you are also able to realistically acknowledge whatever suffering is also present.”
Tough times are not a good thing - no one wishes pandemic parenting on you so you can grow. However, learning to accept that the tough times will be part of the whole modern parenting package and still see within them the good also helps with the feelings of helplessness. The helplessness that may be spurred by burnout - like there is not enough time or energy to do all that is demanded of you. When you can see your circumstances as both temporary and also beneficial (even in the smallest way) you can adjust your mindset enough to regain your footing.
This week has been tough for me - it wasn’t one major thing that happened but just a piling on of a lot. I felt heavy I wasn’t sleeping well. My office was a total mess. I felt out of routine and like my personal goals were not being met. It has been funky!! On top of that, every time my kids are sick and have to stay home from school (which this week happened) I go into pandemic whiplash — like: WHEN AM I EVER GONNA HAVE TIME FOR ME AGAIN!!
But by bringing a silver lining perspective to these types of days (or weeks) I can begin to find the way out of my funk. And I no longer fight my reality. These weeks happen, but compared to 2020 this is NOTHING! And I look at my feelings with curiosity. Is there anything I can do to help out myself? No, ok. Then what can I find in this week that is good and beneficial - oh, I am going to bed earlier because I am tired! Well, more sleep is always a good thing! I am can’t clean my office but I cleaned the dining table and worked there - so that clutter is gone yay! etc, etc.
Once I can find the silver lining it gives me the confidence needed to say “This is temporary!” then I step into a more equanimous outlook: It is what it is, for now! I will ride this out and use my gratitude practice to gain some much-needed perspective. My kids are happy and healthy my extended family, the same. We live in a beautiful place and have 3 adorable happy cats. I have access to clean water and get to exercise every single day - and take a shower!! (which back in the baby days I would have died for).
Things are both good and not so good - and that O.K. right now.
Share where you are at in the comments below! -Stef
Faith to Parent Differently
Change doesn’t happen overnight - if you are choosing to parent differently you better read this.
Parenting differently takes faith. Faith that your actions each day are enough, that your intention is enough, that your love for your children is enough.
Parenting differently is not easy, but I choose it anyway. I choose it even though trauma may be baked into 3 generations of DNA, the cycle stops with me. And I will do my best to make the most difference I can in ONE generation.
But the effects of positive generational change are very hard to see. That’s where the faith comes in.
When you have the faith to parent differently you don’t need proof that you are making a difference because your actions each day are enough. And so your intention to parent differently becomes your motivation and inspiration. And the ways you find to meet your needs become your fuel and you discover with each passing year that it’s enough and that you are enough too. Watch the video for more. - Stef
The Modern Baby Book
Tired of empty baby books? Get the memory box that grows with the amount of time you have to reflect and remember.
Baby Love Letters was born from the desire to leave a story for my children. At 8 and 12, their baby books were pretty much empty and there was no going back. But they were still growing and doing fun and memorable things. So how do you make sure to record both the baby years and beyond, and with what time?
Since I now shower regularly I decided that I had time to write letters to them. These letters would be a nice replacement to the empty baby book years….until I discovered that even for a writer, writing the letters was tedious and I felt like I didn’t know what to say.
Motherhood is always filled with answers though, and on a road trip I was suddenly inspired - I would make mad-libs-style letters that anyone could fill out in a few minutes and add them to the box - perfect for toddlerhood AND teenagerland.
I would also include simple writing prompts - and finally a bunch of Thank You notes because it was very easy for me to be grateful to my kids. They had brought so much joy and love into my life and a letter of gratitude never was as hard as the blank page.
So many people tell you to enjoy every minute with your babies before they grow - and well, looking back I do miss their little faces but in the moments where I could barely figure out laundry and dinner if you told me to enjoy the moments NO that would have not gone down so great for you - so the idea of writing letters or long entries in a baby book HA!
But I could have definitely thrown a few things in a memory box 😂 And when I was feeling a little extra maybe write a short loving note. And so that’s the story of how I designed Baby Love Letters — to be a modern take on the baby book. This is not a sprint after all its a marathon and the memories don’t stop when they head off to school.
There are pretty pieces of stationery for that note you will write after 5th-grade graduation and the one on their 13th birthday. And while things are hairy, use one of the supplied prompts, write a short thank-you note, or just throw their preschool diploma or baby teeth (ew? 🤷🏼♀️) inside. And as they grow up the box will grow with you.
Obviously, Baby Love Letters make a great shower gift, duh - but buy it for yourself because you need a place for all those memories too!
Go Outside - Be Grateful
Feeling resistant to a gratitude practice? Go outside every day and it will come to you more naturally.
How do you find things to be grateful for when times are hard?
Can it be as simple as going outside?
Yes.
Let’s be honest just going outside is not going to magically change you life overnight - but I am 100% sure that, just like gratitude, it’s the simplest first step. Going outside can help you find things you are grateful for, and when you have enough you can start a morning gratitude practice, and then you can add something on to that, and something on to that. It’s all about taking the first step.
During the height of the pandemic quarantine the days seemed to melt together as I did the same thing over and over — all while stuck in my house — which now, looking back reminds me SO much of the baby and toddler years.
In those early years of parenthood if I didn’t have a routine things would get hairy - my toddler would be cranky or hangry, I wouldn’t be able to tell when the baby had his last bottle — you get the idea. But even now with older kids who are off at school I definitely regret the days that blur by while I remain deep inside routine and I didn’t step outside even once.
My solution? I have a garden that calls to me and requires my presence. If I am not caring for children, then I am caring for my plants - that is how I have motivated myself to get outside each day.
When you go outside everyday you instantly have something to add to your morning gratitude list - maybe you saw a beautiful cloud formation or a stray cat came by and let you pet it. It could just be meeting a new neighbor or a friendly hello from across the street. These things really do make a difference to our well-being.
Feeling resistance? Find the motivation you need by tailoring it to what makes you tick: Is it chatting with people? Hold happy hour on your front porch each Thursday. Is it giving back to people? Set up a food drive in your neighborhood, then go check the drop spots every day. Is it staying fit and active? Your exercise routine now requires a jogging stroller - time to hit up the classifieds on that mom’s group. Is it making beautiful things? Time for an interactive chalk mural in the front driveway. You get the idea, make sure that going outside does not become the last item on your list either and make sure it calls to you as fun and rewarding and get out there.
Ready to start a daily gratitude practice? Join the free 12-week Parenting with Gratitude series here.
Gratitude Myths that Bug Me.
Gratitude does not make you a lazy parent and it is certainly not blind positivity.
If you’re grateful all the time how will you change your PARENTING for the better? Won’t you just continue, blind to all the ways you are hurting your children? No!
This is the biggest myth around the practice of gratitude. Studies actually show the OPPOSITE! Gratitude helps you to see all the good things you are already doing but it doesn’t blind you. It does not make you complacent or lazy either.
In fact, studies show it opens up and broadens our perspective, allowing us to see more things - more choices, more options, more ways we can be better to ourselves and our children - and already are.
And almost more importantly, it redirects our brain’s energy toward the good — which takes effort — because we are fighting evolutionary process and the mindsets that have kept our species alive and kicking for millions of years — not everything is a threat any more and gratitude is a great way to teach our brains to notice. That doesn’t sound very lazy to me - that sounds like work!
Gratitude is also not blind positivity - as I mentioned it has been proven to expand your perspective not contract it.
Blind positivity is found in statements like “No Bad Days” or the spiritual hijacking social media messaging of #blessed. But gratitude is actually the opposite of what cognitive scientist and psychologist, Scott Barry Koftman calls Tragic Optimism in his article “The Opposite of Toxic Positivity”: Gratitude in a vacuum does not work and so if it were to somehow make you “too” positive (i.e. naive) it would eventually stop working altogether.
Because although no one wishes suffering upon anyone, Gratitude needs contrast. And so the myth that you can’t be grateful in tough times is stamped out too. If this pandemic has shown us anything it’s that in tough times we actually increase our sense of gratitude not decrease it. Hard times prove to us both our resiliency and also the loss of things we may have taken for granted like eating at a restaurant or seeing friends, ends up reminding us of what we have left, and what we have becomes precious.
“Gratitude as a fleeting emotion can come and go, but gratefulness, or “existential gratitude,” can pervade your entire life, throughout its ups and downs. It asks for nothing but is on the lookout to find the hidden benefit and the opportunities for growth in everything—even during a global pandemic. As Emmons said at the recent International Meaning Conference, “Gratitude is not just a switch to turn on when things go well; it is also a light that shines in the darkness.”” - from the Kaufman article in the Atlantic.
Gratitude leads to sense of purpose and a desire to do more. People who practice gratitude are more successful at reaching their goals and they feel more energetic and alive while on that journey.
So with that said it seems pretty obvious that parenting with gratitude is a great option for those of us who may have struggled along the way. I certainly was looking for a new relationship with my inner critic when I decided to add a daily gratitude practice to my life — I had had enough “Bad Mom-ing” for one life time.
Gratitude has helped me to open up my perspective to see all the good tings I am already doing and to allow myself to say “You are doing a damn fine job Stef” and a new one that I never go to say before:
“Your loving heart and intention to parent differently is enough.”
So if it’s your intention to parent differently - do not rule gratitude out as a soft and unnecessary skill. Practice every day and watch as your goals become reality.
Your Parenting Intention Glow Up
Instead of trying to be a better parent, let’s start being better to ourselves.
Instead of trying to be a better parent, let’s start being better to ourselves.
The very simple way I do that every day is with a daily gratitude practice.
I am training my brain to notice the good things that happen each day instead of just the bad.
At some point, I was just ready to parent differently. Maybe you are ready too?
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise so I am changing myself.” -Rumi
Parenting is a constant and evolving process and you need to decide what you want out of the relationship. As the Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says at baby blessings: “You now have a live-in Zen Master - they are here to help you grow”. It’s never going to be over, your kids will always be your kids and every day they offer you an opportunity for deep and reflective self-growth.
I have come to look at it as a practice in true authentic self-care more than anything else. At the beginning of this self-care practice, I softened my intention to be a “Perfect Mother” to just becoming a better parent for my kids. But now after many years of practice, my intention is to just be happy.
And most days I am. I surprise myself with how far I’ve come every day and I stand in amazement - really in awe - at how good it feels to be ok with imperfection.
Don’t expect to come to my house and see me interacting with my kids like some magical Mary Poppins though because that will be very far from what you see.
We have plenty of days where we argue and I yell and things are really hard. But the difference is that those days don’t define me anymore. I can meet my children where they are and support them in a way that sends me deeper into the circular practice of gratitude and contentment.
My intention to be happy is stronger than my intention for perfection ever was because I look for the good in every day and I reflect on what went right and not on what went wrong. Because there is a difference between wishing things would change and intending to make those changes for yourself.
My goal is to help you to begin the process of shifting your current type of parenting to something a little bit different, something that may result in you being a little bit happier. It may not be better right away, but we all learn through experience, growth doesn’t happen overnight. So what is your intention - what are you ready to stop wishing for and make a practice instead? It’s time for a parenting glow up so let’s get started today.
New! Donate a book to a family in need.
Each day parents all over the country wake up tired. They go to work and hope that their baby or toddler will sleep just one night all the way through - and sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. Buy a book, and donate another to a family in need. We are in this together.
Each day parents all over the country wake up tired. They go to work and hope that their baby or toddler will sleep just one night all the way through - and sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t.
I wrote The Middle of the Night Book so that parents had a tool to turn to when they were too tired to think, I based the book on the proven soothing meditation called a bodyscan — and it works.
“That first night I tried it in the middle of the night, she went back to bed afterwards and it seemed to work like a charm. Now we read it before bed & if she wakes up before morning. I’ve also had my husband download it on his phone should he need it when I'm away. She's waking up crying in the middle of the night less often, and if she does wake up we just read the book and out she goes.” - Ashley
Everyone deserves a good night sleep. We all are in this together. And so, with every book purchase you have the option to purchase a book for a family in need - at a discounted rate!
All books are donated to programs that offer parenting support groups and parenting education. Some of the local organizations I donate to on a regular basis are:
Homeless Prenatal Program - San Francisco, CA
Marin Foster Care Association - San Rafael, CA
Children’s Council - San Francisco, CA
However, I don’t just want to support a small slice of CA - I want to support organizations in your community! So please add your organization of choice to the comments below and we will send donations their way. Thank you!
Don't become a "Parenting Expert" like me.
Seriously, not worth it…
Me 10 years ago:
To be a better parent I need to read every book ever made.
Me now:
That was a waste of time.
LOL 😂…In all seriousness though, because of my devouring of parenting books and child developmental theory, I gathered an immense amount of empathy for my children and the phases they were going through. But my obsession also had an enormous negative effect on my self-worth, putting me into a constant state of feeling unworthy. Especially when the tips and tricks did not work!
When I stopped trying to be a “better parent” and turned the empathy and curiosity onto myself I discovered I had a lot of work to do. And as soon as I got started, my parenting naturally began to shift and change toward the better.
Of course, you are now wondering - well wow, how did that happen?
“…rarely do we see wounds that are in the process of healing. I’m not sure if it’s because we feel too much shame to let anyone see a process as intimate as overcoming hurt, or if it’s because even when we muster the courage to share our still-incomplete healing, people reflexively look away.” - Brené Brown, Rising Strong.
As Brené Brown says, I think we all suffer when we skip over the process of healing: both as we watch others grapple with their suffering and also with our own journey. Wounds do inevitably heal of course but the writers, influencers, experts, and armchair quarterbacks all skip over that healing process when they talk about where they have been and where they are now.
They are healed - you should try what they did because it worked!
Well, I am not healed. My wounds are still fresh and each time I sit down to write it’s because I need help growing the scar tissue so necessary to move on. Each day I sit down to do the work I uncover a new trauma and that scares me because it keeps happening - new wounds open as the old ones sit waiting to be healed.
In those fresh moments, I shy away from meditation as the dam of tears inside my heart threatens to overflow causing me more pain than good - then three weeks go by and I am left reeling in regret. Why do I feel so much frustration and anger towards my kids! Well, my trauma and my open wounds are back running the show.
I know that over the past few years of doing gratitude research and committing to the practices of self-care and compassion I have grown - my wounds are not fresh. I also know how to bandage them and wait for the body to do its magic - but it can’t do it on its own, I have to help it along. I have to show up. I have to look at myself and my inner dialogue, I have to keep my Inner Critic at bay and notice when I am triggered. I must journal and find things I am grateful for because it’s my only road towards healing.
And now I live each day in what Brené Brown calls “the Rumble”: those moments after you are triggered and you have a knee-jerk reaction to something. But also right after you notice what you just did (which in itself takes years of mindfulness practice).
Like me, you can learn to notice your reactions and get comfortable with not knowing the answers. I know from all my work so far that the best thing I can do was to honor my effort — that deep down in my subconscious I am already cheering myself on.
I have so many open wounds. My inner struggle with being a perfect parent is just one of them.
I don’t think we grab a bandaid right now. Let’s just not sugar coat the struggle, or fast forward over it to “all better”. Living with grace is accepting there will be open wounds AND happiness and delight.
I am living my best life — the best I have ever had to be honest. I have healed through a committed practice of gratitude and mindfulness but there are plenty of things that I am still in the thick of - that are not better and may never be. Living an authentic life is just that - making sure to acknowledge it all.
Is your intention to be “better” or just plain happy? I chose happy myself!
Mindful Children's Book #2 - Vote!
Help me pick my next book topic - let’s vote on it!
Help me pick my next book!
What do you think your child needs more right now?
The Gratitude Book will be about focusing on the good even in tough situations plus all the different ways we can express and feel gratitude every day.
The Letting Go Book will be about releasing things that we hold on to - difficult emotions, wanting things to stay the same, wanting people to act a certain way, etc.
Each book will incorporate a body awareness technique like my last book The Middle of the Night Book did. I feel strongly that children learn best when their mind AND body are engaged - and studies show that too.
Watch the video then vote in the comments below! Do you own my first book? Get it here!
What is Gentle Parenting? ✨
Is it just a parenting buzz word or does it actually mean something? Let’s figure it out together.
I don’t know what I don’t know.
For the past two years, my intention to be a “better parent” became eclipsed by my desire to just be happy.
And so I’ve focused deeply on self-care. I’ve upgraded my negative mindset with a fierce commitment to gratitude - and now my intention has changed.
I am ready to become a soft place for my kids to land.
And with the birth of the new year just a few short days away, I’m going to spend some time learning as much as I can about Gentle Parenting. Do you have a go-to resource when it comes to this style? Leave a comment below.
What is Gentle Parenting?
Well I looked it up and this stood out from the article I found:
“Aliza Pressman, Ph.D., co-founding director and director of clinical programming for the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, notes, gentle parenting is really just another variation of authoritative parenting. She notes you don't need to get caught up in the semantics of this, as it's really all the same concept: You want to raise a kid with sensitivity and warmth while also measuring out reasonable expectations and boundaries.”
I like this. This type of parenting has always been my intention.
The issue I have with achieving even a small semblance of this type of parenting style however has to do with modeling. I was not brought up this way. No matter how much my mother tried to be different, in the end I was brought up with more of an authoritarian model. My childhood was filled with warmth but it also featured unreachable expectations mixed with confusing and sometimes harsh punishments, impatience, and a demand for perfection.
So now that I like myself again - I am ready to give this type of parenting a try. And of course, it won’t start with jumping in head first - learn the lingo and go! No that never works. I have learned from my healing journey that all new paths start with 2 things: 1. Gratitude 2. Awareness.
So at the beginning of this new year I am prepared to look at each day through the lens of gratitude. And I al willing to watch my actions before I change them - to really notice just exactly what I am saying and doing. The gratitude will help me to notice the good and the mindfulness will help me to notice the present moment.
Between the two I am guessing I will discover I am already doing a great job - and that with a few tweaks I can achieve my newfound intention to be the soft place my children land in a harsh and modern world.
If you would like to join me on my Grateful, Gentle, parenting journey - sign up for my free 12 Weeks of Gratitude Email Series here.
- with thanks, Stef
It is what it is : Parenting with Equanimity
An “It is what it is” mentality is another way to phrase equanimity. The acceptance of your personal reality: there is good and there is bad and then there is everything in between.
I want to live a more open life. I want to accept all the parts of me, of my parenting journey.
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Therapy has taught me that even after you talk about trauma it doesn’t go away. So there’s really not a solution or Magic Eraser you can use.
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What happens is it becomes lighter to carry. I can look at moments from my childhood and say, “yep, that was hard.” but they aren’t as charged or heavy as they used to be.
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This is called equanimity. An “It is what it is” mentality. The acceptance of your personal reality: there is good and there is bad and then there is everything in between.
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You may think oh this is the zero f**ks people always talk about - but no, it’s not passive acceptance either. You’ve just got to choose your battles if you want your voice to be heard.
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Equanimity starts with the acceptance that we cannot control change. It’s our only constant. This makes life beautiful and terrifying all at once.
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I do not have control over anyone else’s actions except for my own. I do not have control over the sun or the tides or whether the person next-door decides to go to rehab or read just one more mystery novel.
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Can I fight and claw for that control? Yes. I can watch and gossip and wonder all I want about the neighbors. I can hover and “Care” and coax my children to be more polite or a bit less loud when they are excited or care about clean floors as much as I do.
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But the thing is we live in the reality we create for ourselves – and at some point we have to decide if that world is going to our own authentic experience or one that we hold so tightly to that we can’t actually see what’s true anymore.
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What would you choose?
Parenting Imperfectly IRL : Week 40, 2021
Parenting imperfectly and in real life. Gratitude. Mindfulness. Mistakes. Cats and love.
Here’s what the past week (week 40, 2021) was like for me on my quest to parent differently.
My intentions were:
Don’t get bogged down by Mercury in Retrograde.
Even if you feel like you aren’t making mental health progress today today - you are.
Trust the experts when it comes to telling your story.
Parenting last week was a bit of a whirlwind. I had my son home on Monday and was starting to have quarantine flashbacks of him never leaving again 😂but he felt better on Tuesday so back to school he went. Do you stay on track when your kids are home from school? Most of my self-care went right out the window!
I am walking 2.5 miles a day and I love it. I go right after school drop off and I am committed to five days a week — I find it to be a lot of fun to be honest. In the past, I would have counted the minutes I was not working in order to exercise (and shower after) but these days it is a concrete part of my routine, so much so that my planning for the day only begins once I have walked and showered.
I made time for coffee with my bestie this week in SF and peeked in on my book which graces the shelves of the cutest toy store in Noe Valley - Mamapundi Kids. If you are local grab your copy there and help to support another woman owned business.
I have been swept away by a wave of inspiration and am almost finished a drawing/painting of pincushion flowers - that although are native to South Africa grow along the coast of Central California and I just love their graphic nature.
We headed to Southern California for a family vacation with the grandparents - our last trip of 2021. Time to slow down a bit as the weather grows colder and evenings darker and put my writer’s cap back on. I will keep you updated on the progress of my book “Parenting with Gratitude” as I make the big push to get it finished this year - wish me luck!
My orange tabby is so good at reminding me that we all carry the ability to be still in a way that is both majestic and soul filling. I want that moment for all of us - don’t you?
-Stef
Gratitude Before Mindfulness…
Often when I find myself struggling as a parent to stay mindful and present I revisit it to remind myself just how simple mindfulness can be.
Listen to this post as a podcast:
Let me explain my thinking here…
Let’s dive into my trusty “Snowstorm Metaphor” — I developed this as a way to open the book I am writing called GoodAF Mom (still in progress sign up to be notified here!).
Often when I find myself struggling as a parent to stay mindful and present I revisit it to remind myself just how simple mindfulness can be.
I am originally from New England, so naturally this metaphor came to me while driving one day in beautiful California feeling absolutely GRATEFUL for no snow, ever.
The metaphor
Imagine you are driving on the highway and it has been snowing for maybe an hour or two - it’s not coming down too hard, but it’s not a light dusting either. Your exit arrives and you notice that the snow has built up somewhat on the ramp. But you’re by yourself and have driven in snow your whole life so you’re not too worried about the ramp or the roads on your way home. You slightly decrease your speed as you come down the ramp and head home without much worry.
Now imagine that same exit with kids in the backseat. Not wanting to get into an accident in freezing cold weather, you’re instantly worried and immediately slow down. You turn down Raffi and become hyper-focused on the cars and pedestrians around you. There’s a sudden hush in the back seat as your little ones absorb your rising anxiety level and you take it super slow and methodical all the way home, getting there a bit past bedtime, but totally safe.
Now imagine that same exit ramp, except this time a plow has been over it recently. You can see the deep dark road showing through the freshly cleared snow and you know you will have some grip on the turns home. Maybe you release your grip on the steering wheel a little and keep the music at its normal volume — all while keeping a steady gaze at the road and other cars nearby. You let your anxiety ease up a bit too, and get home with plenty of time for bedtime.
OK, so what does it all mean?
I am guessing it’s pretty obvious that the snowstorm in the metaphor is life and everything that it brings with it, right? We are not in control of the snow or how hard or soft it falls, whether or not it melts in the atmosphere and becomes rain, or evaporates to allow the sun to shine down. It’s all just weather.
Privilege, race, and other cultural factors place us all in different cars, but no matter what you drive, the path that leads you home is mindful awareness. Along the mindfulness path, we learn to respond instead of react, to bring compassion and love to every aspect of our journey no matter what others may think, to give of ourselves for the betterment of others, and to notice that we have exactly what we need right now in this very moment. Mindfulness can guide us to a cozy, safe, and warm home, where we are loved for who we are, right now, with no judgment.
I want to make it clear that the path can be taken unplowed. You can add mindfulness to your to-do list and it can become a solid, committed part of your daily life — with hard work. And if you have kids in the back seat it will take diligence and a steady hand, but it can be done — I see people doing all around me, all of the time.
But wouldn’t you rather take the road that was plowed? Even a little bit?
Well, that road is plowed with gratitude.
I consider gratitude the simplest and smoothest path you can take to a life filled with mindfulness and well-being.
Yes, a basic mindfulness practice would be enough if maybe I didn’t have really loud kids in the back seat (who trigger my childhood trauma at every turn). If it was quieter I may even get to a place of deep well-being easily with a solid yoga, meditation, and breath-work practice.
But I have kids and trauma - and they are both loud and take up a lot of my attention. My kids still really NEED me to be thinking of them first. And trauma doesn’t really go away does it? With therapy, it becomes something more manageable, but it’s still there sitting in the trunk of the car. And so I have to stay focused, maybe not white-knuckling my way along our shared life’s path, but I’ve still got to drive.
And so I would prefer the plowed road. Wouldn’t you?
Every day I chose gratitude as my snowplow. It’s my stepping stone towards a more mindful life. I gave it a try and it paid off for me. And now I want that for you and for all parents — because it ended up being so simple! It wasn’t a chore or a big, life-changing spiritual experience. It was so easy to look at my life and find things I was thankful for because I have kids. Because I have a source of love and laughter and silliness already in my life.
Because they were in the car with me, gratitude came naturally.
WHo is in your car?
How do you plow the road then?
How do you come to accept that among the unpredictable weather there is freedom and peace (and the possibility for a few snow angels)?
You buy yourself a Gratitude Journal and you wake up each morning, scan your yesterday, and write down 10 things you are grateful for. That’s it. And you do this every single day (trying not to skip).
If you do this I promise you gratitude will change you. It will make everything else on the mindfulness “path” - the awareness, the meditation, the PATIENCE - appear at the right time, as if the road had been plowed. The anxiety will fade, the music and laughter will remain, and your kids will make it to the next part of their journey in plenty of time for bed.
So if you decide that you would like to skip the white-knuckled path to mindfulness and try a smoother route please let me know how went for you fill out my gratitude survey here and be part of my upcoming book!
Just an FYI: In my experience, it seemed to take about 4 to 6 weeks to really notice the changes — but I am confident they will come and I will be excited to hear more from you when they do!
till next time - Stef
Parenting Imperfectly IRL : Week 38, 2021
Parenting imperfectly and in real life. Gratitude. Mindfulness. Mistakes. Cats and love.
Here’s what the past week (week 38, 2021) was like for me on my quest to parent differently.
My intentions are:
To be kind, to model apologies, to give myself grace
and to find gratitude in every moment.
Last week was a nice calm week which kicked off with World Gratitude Day AND International Day of Peace - I want to start all weeks with that much positivity!
Now that the school year is in full swing the tough mornings are back as well as the return of “hating school” - the novelty wore off quick! Do you have a child you hates school? What do you do to help them stay positive?
I am in the middle of reading the book “The Upside of Stress: Why Stress is Good For You and How to get Good at It” by Kelly McGonigal and so far I love the actionable advice offered. One suggestion in the book was to look to your values when you are stressed. So I made this for my phone background…
And when I feel stressed I will look at my values and it’s supposed to help shift my mindset away from the stress and instead towards the meaning in my life. I’m excited to see it in action!
I am yearning to be able to rest like my cat does * as needed * and have started to include 10 minutes of hammock time before school pick up to my schedule.
I hope you have a great week!
-Stef
p.s. Despite the nights getting chillier, I am still in denial about Fall.