Why Noticing Beauty Makes You a Better (and Happier) Parent

Beauty is all around us - but why?

As a species, we can see beauty. But why? Does the ability to see and observe beauty serve a purpose beyond aesthetics? When I look out my window on a rainy day, the way the leaves shine with intensity and the wind makes the tree limbs gracefully bend and dance—it’s mesmerizing. And yet, most of the time, we don’t even notice—afteral, the demands of parenthood are very distracting and loud.

What if beauty exists not just for admiration, but for our well-being? What if it’s sole purpose is to anchor us in the present, to nourish our emotional health, and to remind us, even in the most chaotic parenting moments, that life is rich and full of goodness?

The Many Forms of Gratitude

Gratitude isn’t just saying “thank you.” Gratitude can be categorized into various types, including personal gratitude for what you receive, interpersonal gratitude towards others, and transpersonal gratitude, which may involve feeling connected to a higher power or the universe. Each one of it’s forms shapes how we experience the world and our role as parents:

• Reciprocal Gratitude – The kind we express in relationships, when there’s an exchange: “Thank you for making me coffee.” “I appreciate you helping with bedtime.” This form of gratitude strengthens social bonds and fosters a sense of community and mutual support.

• Subtractive Gratitude – The mental exercise of recognizing what could be worse: “At least my kids are healthy.” “At least we have a home.” This isn’t about dismissing hardship but about shifting perspective. Practicing subtractive gratitude can help you to appreciate your current circumstances by considering how it could be more challenging.

• Existential Gratitude – The deepest kind. The kind that doesn’t require a transaction. It’s simply the awe of existence. The gift of being alive, of witnessing our children grow, of experiencing fleeting moments of pure love. Existential gratitude involves a profound appreciation for life itself, often leading to increased well-being and a deeper sense of purpose.

The Connection Between Beauty, Gratitude, and Self-Trust

Beauty is always around us, but noticing it is a skill. When we pause and let it in, something powerful happens it helps to strengthen what I call the five contributors to self-trust:

• Self-Worth – Seeing beauty reminds us that we are inherently valuable, not just because of what we do, but because we exist. We don’t have to earn rest, joy, or appreciation—we deserve them simply by being here.

• Self-Efficacy – Recognizing beauty builds confidence in our ability to shift our mindset. If we can notice beauty in hard moments, we can trust ourselves to navigate challenges with perspective.

• Self-Compassion – Noticing beauty softens our inner critic. It reminds us that perfection isn’t the goal—presence is. We don’t need to parent flawlessly; we just need to show up, again and again, with love.

• Self-Resilience – Beauty is a steady undercurrent, a reminder that struggle and joy coexist. Seeing it helps us bounce back, knowing that difficult moments don’t erase the good.

• Self-Confidence – The ability to spot beauty, even in exhaustion, is a form of trust in ourselves. It affirms that we are present enough to witness the good and strong enough to hold both beauty and hardship at once.

Why This Matters in Parenting

The acts of parenting can feel relentless. Another diaper. Another tantrum. Another dinner that no one will eat. But what if, in between those moments, we trained ourselves to notice the beauty? And it doesn’t have to be the beauty of your child’s crayon on the wall, let’s be realistic. Looking out your window is a perfect place to start. And it offers an individual experience for everyone, some of us like the rain others the sun, some like the wind others find it disconcerting, etc etc. Engaging with nature's beauty has been shown to reduce stress and improve mood, which can be particularly beneficial for navigating the monotony of parenting routines.

• The golden light streaming through the window at bath time.

• The sparkling waterspray as the car in front of you washes their windsheild.

• The soft hush of the forest as you walk your dog.

These moments aren’t just fleeting joys; they are fuel. They are what keep us going, keep us soft, keep us connected and allow for our appreciation to seep indoors to the…

• The way our child’s eyelashes rest against their cheek as they sleep.

• The soft weight of their hand in ours.

• To how holding them makes us feel held as well.

Beauty isn’t a mistake. It’s here for us—to soak into our souls, to remind us why we keep showing up, to help us see that even in the middle of the hardest days, the view from the top is breathtaking.

Want to start noticing more beauty in your everyday parenting moments?

Try these on for size:

🌿 Before bed, recall one small beautiful thing you noticed today.
📸 Take a quick photo of something that catches your eye—your child’s laughter, a shadow on the wall, your coffee in the morning light.
✏️ Write it down. The more you notice, the more beauty you will find.

Gratitude isn’t about ignoring hardship. It’s about seeing the whole picture—and allowing the breathtaking parts to land. - Stef 🪷

Burned Out or Just Stressed? How to Tell the Difference

Parental Burnout vs. Parental Stress

What’s the Difference?

Let’s be honest, parenting can be a total s*** show - a firehose of surprises, joy, and challenges that feel like they will never end. It can feel overwhelming, exhausting, and relentless. At some point, most of us have felt stretched sooooooo thin, caught in the never-ending cycle of caregiving tasks, while adapting to changing circumstances and expectations. That’s why it’s important to recognize the difference between everyday stress and full-blown burnout—because one is a rough day, and the other can make you question everything.

Parental stress is a natural response to the demands of raising children—figuring out how to soothe a crying baby or managing a teenager’s curfew negotiations. Parental burnout, on the other hand, is when stress turns chronic and depletes you entirely. It’s more than feeling tired; it’s feeling like you have nothing left to give, emotionally or physically. Research shows that parental burnout stems not only from the pressures of caregiving but also from a culture that glamorizes sacrifice while offering little systemic support. Recognizing the signs of burnout is the first step toward breaking the cycle.

What’s Causing Parental Burnout?

Fifty-seven percent (57%) of parents self-reported burnout in an Ohio State 2024 survey. So, what’s driving this pervasive issue? For many, it’s the impossible expectations placed on parents today. We’re told to be constantly present, perfectly engaged, and endlessly productive. If you’ve ever felt like you’re failing no matter what you do, you’re not alone.

But burnout isn’t just about the demands placed on us—it’s about the gap between those demands and the resources we have to meet them. When the system leaves parents without support—like affordable childcare, flexible work options, or community networks—burnout becomes a natural consequence.

What Are Some Signs of Parental Burnout?

Burnout doesn’t show up with a big red flag 🚩 or an official warning 🚨 —it sneaks in, slow and steady, until one day you realize you’ve got nothing left in the tank. Maybe you feel emotionally detached from your kids or find yourself snapping at them more often. You might wake up feeling as exhausted as when you went to bed, or you’ve started questioning whether you’re cut out for parenting at all. These feelings can spiral if left unaddressed.

There are the four widely recognized signs of parental burnout, or a “prolonged response to chronic and overwhelming parental stress” (Mikolajczak & Roskam, 2018). But here’s the good news: You can interrupt that spiral. And no, you don’t need a life overhaul or a weeklong retreat to do it.

4 Symptoms of Parental Burnout:

• Extreme exhaustion – Waking up already drained, dreading another day of parenting, and feeling emotionally depleted.
• Emotional distancing – Becoming less engaged, going through the motions, and interacting only to meet basic needs rather than for connection.
• Loss of fulfillment – Feeling fed up with parenting, no longer enjoying time with your children, and questioning your role as a parent.
• Drastic shift from the past – Feeling completely different from the parent you once were, as if you’ve lost the joy or purpose you used to have in parenting.

Not sure if you are burned out? Take this quiz.

How Can Gratitude Help Interrupt Burnout?

This is where the Parenting with Gratitude® method comes in. Gratitude isn’t about ignoring the hard stuff or slapping a smile on your face when you feel like crying. It’s about noticing the good that already exists, even in the chaos. Gratitude allows you to focus on what’s working instead of what’s not—giving you a much-needed mental reset.

For example, instead of ruminating on a how you handled a tantrum-filled morning, you might notice how your child’s laughter lit up lunchtime later. Gratitude doesn’t erase the challenges, but it softens their edges, helping you approach parenting with more resilience and joy.

How Can Parents Start Practicing Gratitude Today?

You don’t need hours of free time or fancy tools to begin. Here are three small steps you can take today:

1. End the day with a win: Before bed, write down one thing that went well—even if it’s as simple as everyone eating dinner without complaint.

2. Shift your focus: The next time you catch yourself replaying a tough parenting moment, pause and ask yourself: What went right today?

3. Create a gratitude anchor: Choose a simple ritual that reminds you to notice the good—whether it’s every time you grab your keys, or maybe tacking up a favorite quote on the fridge that will catch your eye each time you breeze by.

Parenting with gratitude doesn’t mean pretending things aren’t hard. It means giving equal weight to the joy, connection, and growth that come alongside the challenges. And when you start noticing those moments more often, something shifts—you stop surviving and start thriving.

So, the next time you feel like parenting is all too much, try this: Take a deep breath, look for one thing you’re grateful for, and remind yourself that you’re doing enough. You’ve got this.

Ready to take the next step? Learn more about the Parenting with Gratitude® method and how it can transform your parenting journey. Let’s embrace the joy already waiting for us.

Mindful Awareness for Parents

The Foundation of Parenting with Gratitude©

During the pandemic, I kept a journal to keep myself from loosing time—I’m sure you can remember the days running into one another. Each day, I jotted down my supplements, my mood, and a list of things I was grateful for. What surprised me most was how nourishing that gratitude list became, even amid such hardship at home and all over the world. How could my gratitude grow stronger in the face of so much struggle? This question led me to realize: mindfulness and gratitude are intertwined, and together, they offer a way not just to cope but to thrive as a parent.

Mindfulness in Action: Redefining What It Means

Mindfulness often gets a bad rap. You may think it requires complex routines or dedicated meditation practices. But mindfulness is simply noticing life. And in the context of parenting, gratitude becomes mindfulness in action. When we actively look for what’s going well in our lives as parents—despite the messiness and chaos—we naturally cultivate greater awareness of the present moment.

For example, think about a time when your toddler was on the verge of a meltdown. Maybe they were furiously frustrated and about to throw their favorite toy. If you’ve ever caught yourself marveling at how adorable their tiny scowl is—even possibly holding back a laugh—you’ve experienced the duality of life. Parenting exists in an “AND” world: the toy is about to fly across the room AND your toddler’s sheer determination is endearing.

Mindful awareness helps us live in this duality, where both positive and negative emotions coexist.

Defining Mindful Awareness

Mindful awareness involves being fully present in the moment, acknowledging and accepting one's thoughts and feelings without judgment. It allows individuals to experience life as it unfolds, fostering a deeper connection with oneself and others. - Paul T.P. Wong

Practicing OCEAN: The Traits of Mindful Awareness

Mindfulness consists of five key traits, according to Daniel J. Siegel in The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-Being (2007):

• openness

• compassion

• empathy

• acceptance

• and nonjudgment

These are collectively referred to as the OCEAN framework. These traits create a foundation for mindful awareness and provide parents with tools to navigate the duality of parenting moments.

Negative emotions—like anger, frustration, or fear—are evolutionarily loud and often lead us to react without thinking. But in every moment of parenting, we also have access to the aspects of OCEAN from openness, to compassion, to empathy. The key is learning to leverage these quieter traits. It takes practice, but with time, they can become as natural as our initial emotional responses.

For instance, when my teenager snaps at me for asking if his homework is done, I could easily react to his tone. But instead, I’ve learned to say, “Hey, I’m noticing your tone feels a bit harsh. We’re just talking logistics—there’s no judgment here.” This small, mindful acknowledgment gives him the space to pause, breathe, and recalibrate. It also allows me to respond with compassion rather than escalating into conflict.

From Gratitude as a State to Gratitude as a Trait

Looking at life through the lens of parenting with gratitude© is an intentional, daily choice. It means seeking out the good and looking for what’s going right–even on the hardest days. Over time, this practice evolves gratitude from a fleeting temporary state into a lasting trait—a consistent way of seeing the world.

This evolution changes the way we interpret our mistakes. As parents, we all mess up. But when gratitude becomes a trait, we know from past experience that the good we’ve cultivated far outweighs the bad. It creates a deep self-trust in the overall balance of our parenting journey and reinforces our sense of self-efficacy and agency.

Parental Agency: Trusting What’s Already Within You

Practical Ways to Build Parental Agency

Notice small moments of connection with your child, even during tension.

Reflect on three parenting wins each day.

Practice self-compassion when parenting feels overwhelming.

Mindful awareness and gratitude reinforce my belief that I have everything I need within myself–and you do too. When we choose to see the good and embrace our parenting wins, we tap into a reservoir of self-trust. This process builds self-efficacy—or the confidence that we can navigate challenges—and helps us reclaim our power in a world that often tells us we’re not enough.

Connecting More Deeply: The Surprising Benefits

The practice of mindfulness and gratitude doesn’t just impact how we parent; it also deepens our connection with our children and ourselves. When I’m not caught up in reactive emotions, I can meet my kids where they are, with all the compassion and acceptance they deserve.

Even in moments of tension—like when my son is being driven by hormonal surges he can’t fully control—I’ve found that offering understanding instead of judgment transforms our interactions. This doesn’t mean I ignore bad behavior; it means I choose a mindful response that leaves room for repair and growth.

A Foundation for Parenting with Gratitude©

Mindful awareness is the foundation of parenting with gratitude. By cultivating traits like openness, compassion, and acceptance as outlined by Siegel, we learn to see parenting not as a series of battles to be fought but as a journey filled with unnoticed moments of grace and growth. And as we practice gratitude, we shift our perspective to one that recognizes not just the challenges of parenting but also its many benefits.

When we parent with gratitude, we don’t ignore the hard stuff; we simply choose to see the good alongside it. Over time, this duality creates a resilient, mindful approach to life—one where gratitude becomes a trait, not just a fleeting state. And in doing so, we discover that everything we need to thrive as parents is already within us. - Stef

Gratitude: The Parenting Superpower You Already Have

Parenting is stressful–yeah I’ve heard that. But here’s the thing— I believe that parenting is also a source of strength, resilience, love and connection —and gratitude, a positive emotion we all know and love. And gratitude has never really been applied to one of life’s biggest challenges: raising kids.

Mindfulness? Sure, it’s great. But for most parents, taking a 20-minute meditation break or going on a retreat isn’t exactly practical. What we need is something that works in the chaos, not outside of it. And that’s where gratitude comes in.

Over half of the gratitude parents feel in their lives (58%) is directly linked to their role as a parent.

• Gratitude builds resilience
• Gratitude creates meaning
• Gratitude enhances self-worth

Parenting is one of the most demanding roles of a lifetime, yet it’s rarely talked about in a way that highlights it’s benefits. Too often, the narrative is about what we’re doing wrong (either not doing enough, or doing too much.) But what if we decided to shift that narrative?

As a gratitude researcher, I’ve spent the past few years studying how gratitude intersects with parenting—and the results might surprise you. My findings show that over half of the gratitude parents feel in their lives (58%) is directly linked to their role as a parent. 

In fact, 72% of parents I talked to used gratitude as a tool during tough times, helping them navigate challenges with greater resilience and meaning.

Gratitude isn’t just a ‘nice to try’—it’s a powerful, science-backed tool for improving your well-being and transforming how you experience parenting.

What Gratitude Does for Parents

1. Gratitude Builds Resilience

Parenting is full of stress—64% of parents report high levels of stress according to the U.S. Surgeon General. But here’s the good news: gratitude may act as a protective factor. My research found that parents who actively practice gratitude reported higher resilience and emotional regulation.

When we notice even small wins, like getting through bedtime without tears or sharing a silly moment with our kids, we reframe challenges as opportunities for growth. Gratitude doesn’t erase the hard parts, but it helps us bounce forward stronger.

2. Gratitude Creates Meaning in the Mess

72% of parents I talked to used gratitude as a tool during tough times.

Parenting often feels like an endless to-do list. But gratitude can turn those everyday moments into something meaningful.

In my research, parents shared that reflecting on gratitude helped them make sense of the chaos, and notice when they got things right amidst the chaos. This meaning-making helped creat a deeper connection to their role. Gratitude allows you to see beyond the torn books and the tantrums and focus on what truly matters: the bond you’re building with your child and the strengths you flex each day as you show up imperfectly for them.

3. Gratitude Enhances Self-Worth

Let’s talk about “Mom Guilt.” Modern parenting culture is riddled with shame and self-criticism, making us feel like we’re never enough. Gratitude changes that.

By focusing on what’s working—like the effort you put in every day—you start to see yourself not as a failure, but as a capable, loving parent. This shift in perspective is vital for building self-worth, a foundation for thriving in parenthood.

Gratitude in Action

How to Start Today:

Gratitude doesn’t require perfection or hours of free time. Here’s how you can begin:

• Daily Gratitude Reflection: Take 2 minutes each day to list 3 things you’re grateful for—big or small. This practice helps train your brain to notice the good.
• Gratitude Pause: When you feel overwhelmed, pause and ask, “What’s one thing going right?” This simple act can shift your mindset in real time.
• Gratitude with Kids: At dinner or bedtime, ask your children to share one thing they’re grateful for. This not only builds connection but teaches them lifelong skills for resilience.

Customize your practice based on your personality, time, whatever makes you, you with more practices here.

The Parental Gratitude Well-Being Framework

In my research, I developed a framework that shows how gratitude interacts with key protective factors like resilience, meaning-making, and self-efficacy. These elements form a virtuous cycle, where gratitude enhances well-being, which in turn strengthens your ability to parent with intention and joy. 

An actionable way to look at this cycle is the PWG© Formula which is: Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results You Can See and Feel.

This isn’t about ignoring the hard parts of parenting. It’s about balancing them with moments of joy and connection. Gratitude reminds us that we are not defined by our struggles but by noticing the tools we already have within us to learn from and rise above them.

Ready to Start?

Parenting isn’t perfect, but it’s full of opportunities to grow, connect, and flourish. When we practice gratitude, we unlock a new way of seeing ourselves, our children, and the journey we’re on together.

Join me in the 90-Day Gratitude Challenge and discover how this simple practice can transform your parenting—and your life. Want to read more about the benefits of Parenting with Gratitude? Click here.

Gratitude Practice: Off the Hook

It has been a rough week here at my house. My children have been waking up in the middle of the night and now they are sleep deprived, and so I am. I can’t seem to keep myself together. I fly off the handle at the smallest spat between my sons, I am impatient and yell. My oldest is holding it together pretty well (gosh, I am grateful for emotional maturity), but my youngest and I step into the ring together ready to fight – at least once a day – and it’s tiresome.

In addition to these new/old issues, the ever-present Invisible Load and intense cultural expectations of parenting have got me burned out. Intensive Parenting is what sociologists and psychologists are now calling overly involved parenting, and they have declared it to be the most widely accepted parenting style in the US.

And so while I don’t want to paint this new style as a bad thing (there are many aspects of this type of parenting that are really, really good for our kids), I think we should get to know it a little better, ok? I’ll lay out the “Intensive Parenting” pillars for you, and you can tell me which ones feel familiar to you and which may make you say ‘ick’.

So the five basic beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style are:

1) Parenting is best done by mothers. 

2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing 

3) It is naturally time intensive to care for a child properly 

4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development 

5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.  

And in addition to those basics – Intensive Parenting’s hypothesis seems attractive. The thesis goes: (if practiced properly) “good” parenting should result in “good” kids (and healthy, well-adjusted adults even), and therefore a parent’s role and the family environment is the most important factor in the development of children under the age of 12 years old. 

How does this all work? Well, the tools of Intensive Parenting boil down to many things we talk about on this blog:

Interested in what to do instead of Intensive Parenting? Watch this video.

• parental modeling, 

• parental support, 

• encouragement and oversight 

So what do you think? Maybe the vibe feels good or normal. For me, “children are inherently good " feels like a no-brainer. But then, I have a knee-jerk reaction to mothers only being good parents because fathers are great parents too. The theory and style’s name throws me off too: “Intensive Parenting” — like our whole focus needs to be on parenting and doing it “right” and “well” and, dare I say it even…perfectly? 

This parenting style leaves out how influential culture and the media are, that peers are important to children way before they turn 12, and non-shared environments like school and daycare and the relationships our children form there factor heavily into the development of a child — not to mention the genetic code they inherit from our extended families and cultures of origin.

Of course, how we treat our children matters. What boundaries we lay out, environments we offer, and the battles we choose to prioritize — these things matter. But when you place the entire burden of a healthy and well-child on a single parent i.e., the primary caregiver - you end up in the mess we are in right now; burnout, anxiety, depression and despair.

Let’s look at it from our government’s point of view: If it’s all the fault of one parent, then policies don’t need to support parents because it’s not the fault of the culture – and with mothers who are burned out, well “they are lazy and should do better”.

This is a problem for primary caregivers. This is a problem mainly for women. 

I am not going to solve this in one blog post. However, I am going to share how I deal with it all, and how I have learned to lighten up my load. 

The Practice:

When I realized that I could no longer parent with the intensity required – I knew there would be consequences. I had to figure out how to get by in a world that was determined to call me a “bad mother” for not choosing that level of involvement in my kids’ lives. And so I accepted that part of this new learning process of parenting differently was to figure sh$t out and make mistakes along the way – and I adopted the mantra of wanting to be an Imperfect Parent. 

Then I started to look at what made me happy and unhappy when interacting with my kids. I hated decorating my house for the holidays, so I dialed it back. I didn’t like fighting with my 5-year-old while teaching him how to tie his shoes, so I bought slip-ons. Learning to ride a bike was a nightmare, so we stopped doing that. When I sat down at the end of the day and felt wreaked because I hadn’t caught my breath, we cut out all after-school and weekend enrichment classes.

And things let up. They really did. And I’m grateful for that. 

But there was a catch, and it had to do with an unconscious bias I had – remember the biggest thing on that list of intense parenting values that I did not agree with? That mothers best do parenting?

Well… under my own nose, I had been doing just that. I would go grocery shopping by myself and feel guilty for browsing too long, or I would go to coffee with a friend and bring my child along. It felt better knowing that I was handling my kids and knew what was happening with them. But in a way, I was saying, without saying it, that I knew best – and by doing this, by isolating my partner from any of the “hard” parts of parenting, I was robbing him of the chance to grow. To learn on the job and to make mistakes.

And I was saying Mothers know best.

We make an already hard job much harder by not sharing the load. And I know that sharing the load is a hard thing to do. I hate making lists for my partner, it’s so annoying. And it was for many years. But he makes the lists, too, now. Because I let him fall. And because I decided that the mom doesn’t have to do it all.

And to get to a place where you can start to share the load takes this week’s practice:

Take one night a week completely off.

Now you don’t need to fill it with gratitude - but this practice will result in immense amounts of gratitude that you will feel. Of course, with all new things, at first, it won't be easy, but in time I promise you it will be the first thing on your gratitude list each week.

This is how it works:

Sit down with your partner and find one night a week that you can consistently leave the house before or after dinner and definitely before the bedtime routine. Obviously, if your baby won’t take a bottle, then leave after the feed.

Find a weekly yoga class you can attend or a women’s group to join (like the Gratitude Circle!) - or go to a local bookstore and find a seat in the back. If you can’t leave the house, you will need a pair of noise-canceling headphones, ear plugs, and a lock on your bedroom door, or sit in your car in the garage - find a way to be completely gone.

And once you are gone, you are gone. And for the next 2 - 3 hours it’s your chance to be you. Read that steamy romance or call a friend to talk. Take a walk. Whatever you do, it should be free from the demands of anyone or anything. No commitments to meeting your mom if that feels like a chore, no dog to walk and pick up poop after, no people to ask to do you anything at all. 

Depending on your partner’s level of experience, it will be rocky (or easy) to get started but stick with the same night a week for your kid’s sake.

“Mommy goes out to yoga every Monday. I will tuck you in on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday, and Friday…etc. But on Monday, Dadddy makes dinner and tucks you in.” 

We need this time, Mama. Now that I have been doing this for many years, I have increased it to two nights. Whether or not you subscribe to all of the demands of Intensive parenting, cultural pressure is still real, and we all must find ways of dealing. Being there for your child on a consistently loving basis is important. Connecting and caring about their development and education is important. And when you provide the extra things you never had growing up, that feels really good too. But the sacrifice it takes on our mental health and relationships with our partners is rough — like really rough people. 

And obviously, I know one night a week is not enough — it’s not even close to enough — but if you are in a two-person relationship, it’s something doable that you have at your disposal right now - and it can even be completely free.

And I want you to savor this time off, too, before, during, and after. If you want to learn more about savoring, check out this practice here – and of course, you can take a journal with you and make your gratitude list every week during your night. It’s up to you to find a way to make it work. No matter when I make my list, morning, night, or in between, I am forever grateful to myself for having the tough conversation and for remembering that just because I am the mother doesn’t mean I am the only and best caregiver for my kids. I certainly don’t need to do it all or should. And by stepping away even for just one night, I can remind myself of just how Good As Fuck of a MOM I am. - Stef

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Disclaimer:

I want to clarify that the conversation with your partner can feel daunting, especially if you want to do it right without any screaming lol. I didn’t ask for a weekend day to sleep in until our oldest was around six - so I get it. And it’s not easy. But the payoff has been huge. And every time I have a tough conversation with my partner asking for things I need, it leads to good things for me and him and our kids because they get to see how a father can be involved, competent, and part of the team. I do not believe that parents are the single most important factors in whether our children will develop into amazing and healthy, and well-rounded people – but a functioning household in which both caregivers can get the rest they need and where cultural expectations are examined and even said NO to is a great place to start. If you are ready you could start by watching this film together.

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Other Practices to Try:

Listen to this post as a podcast:

Gratitude Practice: Savoring

@parentdifferently Learn the steps to parent differently with gratitude by joining the free 90-day challenge on my website #GoodAFMom #dailygratitudechallenge #gratitudechallenge #selfcareeveryday #momlifeyo #lifewithlittles ♬ original sound - Stef-ParentDifferently

What if I told you that your toddler’s crusty nose could be a great source of happiness and well-being? You would probably say gross, Stef.

And yes, it's true - after a lifetime of wiping other people’s children’s noses as a nanny (and then another lifetime of wiping my kids’ noses), I get it - it's gross. Nothing can prepare you for going in with a tissue to wipe and realizing that that crunchy exterior was actually a dam holding back a landslide of yellow and green snot – that’s a serious wiping commitment no one prepares you for. 

A crusty nose can be a source of happiness and well-being because of one thing — the contrast it offers. It’s a tiny hardship, something our minds are immediately attracted to. Just like so many of the annoying parts of parenting that don’t seem to quit - like the butt wiping and the ever-constant reminders that snacks aren’t gonna happen 5 minutes before dinner. And, of course, gratitude can fall flat without the contrast of more annoying times. But why do I remember that crusty sh%t so clearly – and forget the times when we fell into each other’s arms or ran around the playground?

Why does it stay stuck when the good is so much better?

You may remember our favorite OG gratitude researcher Professor Robert Emmons, has this to say about hardship and gratitude,

“When times are good, people take prosperity for granted and begin to believe that they are invulnerable.”

So we slide right into complacency, don’t we? The painful truth is our brains are efficient animals; they like known, simple, and easy. As James Clear says, “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” Goals are not something you do every day or are baked into your genes. They are ephemeral thoughts. Systems or habits well those build and build over time. They can be helpful or hurtful. Our brains don't care. These habits are a carved rut in the road, which our brains can easily slide into.

So what does this have to do with a runny nose? Well, a whole lot, actually. Imagine showing up at daycare, walking into the classroom, and as you look at your child, the first and only thing you see for a second is their old, dirty, crusted nose - gross. Well, you have a scapegoat for your repulsion, and it’s what cognitive scientists call the Negativity Bias.

The Negativity Bias is an automatic habit of the brain that makes looking for and evaluating threats and anything that could harm us a priority over anything other type of thinking. It causes us to remember criticism more than compliments and mistakes over wins. And the secret’s out. It’s also the operator behind the curtain of Mom Guilt.

Getting Brainy with It.

The Negativity Bias’ main goal is to keep us safe. Snots - no. Germs - no. Our thinking brain is not allowed a first opinion because our survival instincts kick in. I’ll let the psychiatrist and co-author of “What Happened to You?” Dr. Bruce Berry explains the brain process a bit more to you:

“The brain organizes from bottom to top, with the lower parts of the brain (brain stem/diencephalon aka “survival brain”) developing earliest, the cortical areas (thinking brain) much later,”  Perry says. “The majority of brain organization takes place in the first four years.Our brain functions from the bottom up - the instincts first and then the sorting and reasoning after.“

And so when we see our child, we only see the germs first. We see our child only after that initial reaction, and our thinking and reasoning brain kicks in. Of course, no one is saying we haven’t evolved or that we can’t respond instead of react. That you aren’t a GoodAF Mom if you go gross inside your head. I know a big fat smile will most likely happen next as you dash across the room and scoop your son up – hugging him and spreading that sh%t all over your freshly dry-cleaned coat.

The Negativity Bias lives in the more instinctual part of the brain, but we really don’t need it. We don’t need to scan everywhere we go for danger anymore instantly. Our world is relatively safe - no venomous snakes or wild cats hiding behind the neighbors four by four. Plus, this scanning makes us really stressed - probably more than we used to be. Since our brains are programmed to be constantly scanning, and we are surrounded by SO many stimuli these days, our nervous systems are stressed the f out.

What now, then?

Using gratitude as a prompt, you can take a few very specific steps if you would like to work on your “reaction” time and bigger hardships. Where maybe the Negativity Bias does not ease up after a millisecond but takes control of your whole day instead. Well, that’s why we are happy we have neuroplasticity on our side. Center for Brain Health, University of Texas at Dallas, explains that neuroplasticity is “the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life." So, yay, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

The first step is to use gratitude to notice things we overlook.

This will help to shift our perspective and then do that enough. You will give it a new system to depend on in tough times. And begin to replace the old system (the negativity bias) that maybe has run its course. Like our almost instant ability to overlook the snot and crack that loving smile, we can also learn to shorten our reactive time in other cases. 

So we use the power of gratitude to notice the good, shift our perspective and then use our natural neuroplasticity to rewire with repetition over time cognitively. And then we can add one more practice to the mix…

The practice of Savoring

Savoring is taking an external view of an experience to review and appreciate it. So you eat a strawberry and notice, yum, this is juicy, and then pop another in your mouth, OR if you are savoring, you take the time to step outside the experience and really notice the nuances of it for like 15 to 30 seconds. Wow, this strawberry is so delicious! You intentionally slow down your chewing. You let the juices move around your mouth, you think about the last strawberry you had and how this one is so much sweeter, and even after you swallow, you think, wow, that was a delicious moment.

This is savoring. Science shows that although savoring “things” can be beneficial, we can get the most out of savoring experiences because not only do we get more happiness out of experiences over material things, but we get bigger does of well-being from experiences because we savor them BEFORE they happen AND after they happen as well.

Think of a trip you recently went on - I find it so easy to go directly to the good memories of a trip over the bad, do you? I always forget to pack things for a trip, but when I reflect on the experience, my brain immediately goes to all the fun things we did. It’s one place in my life where my mistakes do not cloud the wins. And this is because of the repetition of savoring a trip provides. You don’t do this with other things in your life, like going to the playground or putting your toddler in a cute outfit. An experience is a training gym for the mind, from the pre-savoring of a trip to the actual FUN a trip provides, and then to running through memories of the trip and sharing them with friends.

We can follow this recipe for savoring and apply it to other areas of our lives.

We could do it with the strawberry - it would feel really cringy, but it could look like Pre-savoring: I get the strawberries out and put them in a pretty bowl. I look at them throughout the day and think about how beautifully red they are. I feel gratitude for the farmers who planted and tended the seeds and the workers who harvested and boxes them. I take a photo and post it on Instagram sharing the beauty with friends. Savoring in Real Time: Then I eat a few, mindfully savoring and intentionally taking it slow to really indulge in the flavor. Post Savoring: Then, a few hours later, I text a friend to tell them about the strawberries and where I got them. Maybe I even pick up a pint and drop them off at their doorstep as a surprise. A few days later, I looked at the photo I had taken on Instagram, and I remember the juiciness of the berries and sharing them with a friend. I feel the gratitude and the specialness of the moment all over again. And on and on it can go. 

Savoring is a way to take gratitude to the next level.

And it can help to amplify situations that already feel pretty good. And when we do this, we push back against our instinct to look for what went wrong, to find the strawberry with the mold or the one that didn’t taste so sweet.  Opportunities like these are all around us. What can you find to savor this week? Could it be something you do every day? How about an experience or a trip you took recently? Could you take the photos out and savor those? How about the way the light trickles through your baby’s dark brown hair or the way he tucks his feet under his bottom while he plays? Can you apply the steps of noticing, shifting to a grateful perspective, and then savoring in three ways (before, during, and after) to these everyday parenting moments too? 

The crusty nose will still be there, and all the other annoying inescapable parts of parenting too. But the good is waiting to be seen, felt, and held - are you ready to train your brain so you can feel more of it? I know you are. I hope you enjoy your week of savoring experiences and things – and don’t forget you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

Other Parenting with Gratitude™ Practices:

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Embracing Intentional Parenting

This weekend I killed my son’s betta fish.

And it's true I did - I killed Felix. We had bought him that day, and I was worried that he would be cold overnight because we had overlooked buying a heater, so I wrapped his little tank with a heating pad crossing my fingers that it would work. And it did — a little too well. I cooked his fish overnight.

Of course, waking up to my son’s tears was horrible.

But then my son said to me, “We are going out RIGHT NOW and getting a NEW FISH,” and I got triggered - I crankily said back to him, “We are not getting any new fish until you do the proper research, which neither of us did and that's really why he died!” This, unfortunately, is imperfect parenting in action. 

I’m sure this story inspires empathy, like, “Wow, that's one of those situations you could feel really sh%tty about even a week later, and I'm so sorry.” And thank you, I appreciate it, but I am actually OK. I regret making myself feel better by passing some of the blame onto my 11-year-old’s lack of fish research. After all, I am the parent, and I should have done some myself before spending $22 on a fish. And he certainly didn't need me to throw it back on him when he felt super sad about his mother killing his new friend.

So yeah, I feel guilty about that, but do I feel like a Bad Mother? Do I want to run away and cry in my closet, filled with shame? Actually, no, I don't. 

And that’s a massive improvement for me. I never was a “sh%t happens” kind of person. I have always been an “it’s totally my fault, and this mistake defines me now” type.

And so this fish incident is a moment I will hold on to because it reminds me that it's one thing to have an intention - but it's another to take that intention seriously. 

I take my intention to be a happier human seriously by reminding myself daily of it and taking the repeated action of gratitude to achieve it. And without taking those series of steps, or what I call parenting with gratitude™, over the past four years, again and again, I would have had a much worse weekend than I did. 

Parenting with gratitude™ is the simple equation that I have developed over the years to take what was once a fleeting wish of showing up for my kids as loving and kind most of the time - and make it a reality, 

I want to share the recipe that has made Parenting with Gratitude™ really work for me, and it is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

And the first step is Intention - in fact, I call it my GoodAF Mom Intention, which for me these days is to be a happier human and to be kind. 

That doesn’t mean all the time. It means more than yesterday or being a little less hard on myself the next time I murder a fish. And because I know at some point you reached an “enough is enough” moment or two, and you decided that something needed to change, I will stress that this GoodAF Mom Intention, the one that anchors you, will be the most crucial part to taking the steps to parent differently. 

Over the years, my intention has morphed and changed as I have grown and rediscovered the parts of me that were a little bit lost.  And as my intention became just figuring out how to be happy, I also learned that I didn’t have to be happy all the time to make this change. It was the intention that mattered. It's what changed my focus and fueled my inner healing. 

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But having an intention is not enough - it really is about what you do next.

My intention to be a happy human affected my attention. I began to look for things that made me happy, and the most obvious were my kids. Just watching them show up every day made me happy. I was grateful to be with them each day. My intention got me to a place I had never stayed for a very long time - where I stopped pushing myself to be better and just took the time to observe, to watch what I already had - and it was pretty great.  Sure, we can wish things to be different, but unlike what we were told as children, knowing is actually NOT half the battle. 

In fact, this is what Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, calls the G.I.Joe Fallacy.

To quote Santos, “We actually have to do all kinds of stuff other than just knowing stuff to change our behavior. If we really want to change our behavior, we have to change habits. We can’t just learn the stuff.”

The phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. According to Santos, we have to do it - not just once, but change our habits (or the series of learned behaviors we have formed over time). This is why even though Action is crucial to parenting with gratitude, it’s the repeating action of being grateful in many, many, many different ways that lead to real, lasting change. 

According to a 2015 study that looked at why some people act on their dreams to become entrepreneurs while others only think and dream, it was determined that the key to the implementation of an intention - the DOING instead of just the knowing - boiled down to having what they called a “commitment devices.” 

These commitment devices can come in two forms.  One relies on self-regulation and was introduced by Peter Gollwitzer in 1999, called “Implementation Intention.” Basically, once you set a clear goal with achievable steps, you can also attach it to existing experiences through an “if-then” plan. Basically, thinking through what you will do in certain situations that may challenge your intention or goal. The simplest form of an implementation intention is every time you touch the front doorknob, you say keys inside your head. Here are some others:

• “I intend to run daily, so I will lay out my running clothes each night and keep my headphones by the door.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention for this situation could be to think about running and how good it feels every night when you lay out your clothes.

• “I intend to stop yelling, so I will take a moment after it is over to notice what types of things are running through my head.” Great specific goal and intention. Your implementation intention for this goal could be reminding yourself repeatedly (when you aren’t yelling) that Moms make mistakes too, and the pause and the repair after yelling is the most important part to teach your kids. It’s not about yelling, it’s about what you do after.

• “I intend to be more grateful. Therefore, I will write five things daily while drinking my coffee.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention would be when you think about drinking your coffee as you go to bed, say gratitude list. The association between the two will eventually become part of your brain’s automatic systems in the morning.

The other was an accountability device - So telling someone that you were going to start a gratitude journal or you intend to work on your mental health this year is a catalyst for creating action, for bridging the gap from intention to action because generally, as a species we strive for favorable opinions of our peers.

You can do it.

Using the knowledge of behavioral scientists mixed with my parenting with gratitude™ formula, we can become attuned to what we want and how we will get it. This customizes our goal and makes it achievable because it's not about what other people want or even what we may have thought we wanted two weeks ago.

Let’s try the formula together:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

• What is your intention? Maybe it’s to show up as your best self and to parent differently.

• What attention does this intention need? Well, what is my “best self” in the first place? This is where self-reflection comes in very handy. Maybe your “best self” can come to the surface once all the Mom Guilt and shame of making mistakes has subsided.

• What are the repeatable steps you will take to get to a place where Mom Guilt feels less like shame and mistakes feel more like learning opportunities? 

Well, for me, I chose gratitude. A committed daily practice of remembering all the good things I do for others and what they do for me proved I wasn’t bad, and it has detached me completely from shame, from only identifying as a Bad Mom. Rooting out daily moments of gratitude has allowed me to see my inner goodness, it has allowed me to access my best self without fear of internal judgment, and it has given me the freedom to keep making the mistakes so vital to learning. 

Sure, I may be a fish murderer, but that doesnt automatically qualify me as a Bad Mom – I am a Good AS Fuck Mom who made a mistake. And you are a Good Mom, too – so find an intention statement that works for you, one that, with a bit of attention, you can bridge the gap to action and finally see results. 

Once you ask yourself the hard questions, make a list of ways to take action, and use me as an accountability partner, join my email list and hit reply, or DM me on Instagram I’ll listen. And if you're stuck for an intention, I know you are reading because maybe you have had enough or you are curious about what it would take to be more fun, well maybe for the next week you can try this one for size:

I intend to parent differently by committing to the daily practice of gratitude. 

Don’t you ever forget you have all the pieces to the equation. And you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

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How Does Gratitude Improve Parenting?

Recently I decided to ask ChatGPT this question:

How does Gratitude Improve Parenting?

I know from personal experience that gratitude has improved my relationship with my kids, self, and partner — but I wanted to hear what the research AI had to say. Here’s its answer:

Gratitude can improve parenting by promoting a positive mindset and perspective. When parents practice gratitude, they focus on the things they appreciate and value in their children and family, rather than dwelling on their challenges and frustrations. This can lead to a more fulfilling and rewarding parent-child relationship and can also increase their overall sense of well-being and happiness. Gratitude can also foster a sense of emotional connection and can help parents to respond to their children in a more positive and supportive way, which can have a long-lasting impact on their children's emotional and behavioral development.

From my own personal research, I find this to be spot on. Gratitude changes our perspective by opening our worldview to allow more CHOICES to be discovered.

When there are more choices we dont feel trapped, burned out, or overwhelmed, even within the highly stressful experience of parenting differently than we were raised.

When you choose to parent differently you are stepping into foreign territory, shedding the learned habits from youth, and the model your parents provided, for something that you are a beginner at.

That was choosing to let go of parenting perfectly as the books told me - to let go of worrying about HOW I was parenting and begin to look inside myself instead.

What did I discover when I stopped striving for perfection in parenting and turned inward instead?

I found a tight, scared, and exhausted shell of who I used to be before I was graced with my adorable kids. This was scary, and I knew I needed help. And so, I put down the parenting books and picked up a few good self-help ones instead.

Now after years of investing in myself through therapy, devoted mindfulness and gratitude practice - and exercise - I understand that the role of having choices is invaluable to parenting.

When we choose to be grateful amidst hardship, we are making a radical decision to choose our mental health over what society says is more “important” - and when we do that, we can discover that all those moments that we thought made us a “Bad Mom” are actually not that many. When we sit down to list our gratitude we discover that we have overlooked a million and one things that make us Good AF moms instead.

Gratitude can also positively impact cycle-breaking (or just trying to parent a little bit differently.)

And as a disclaimer, I have no intention of outsourcing my blog posts or podcast to the machines; after all, if you listened to Episode 31 (Intention Action Gap), you’ll know that no AI would ever understand what it’s like to cook your child’s betta fish overnight… I hope you have a good week - and don’t forget you are already a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

Need more science? Watch as OG Gratitude researcher, Professor Robert Emmons, explains why gratitude is so important to our life satisfaction:

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Gratitude Practice: The Hot Mom Walk

Rhythm matters to regulation, so if you are a stressed parent exercise that induces a rhythm is important to emotional regulation. Now if you follow me on Instagram you know that I post a video from my walk every morning. I love to walk, I walk three miles a day typically. And I walk fast, it's not leisurely. Exercise in general helps me overall from my physical health to my well-being. Ever since I started moving 5 days a week I have had fewer depressive episodes, and less low back pain and I am not as tired in the afternoons.

But I haven’t always walked. In fact, I really got serious about daily exercise during the pandemic because I was just dying on the inside. It was a way to balance myself out a bit. I didn’t want to leave the house because I was in charge of online schooling and basic child wrangling, so I started attending my son’s online PE classes. It was a win-win too because he was not motivated at all by the exercise videos the teacher shared and he was getting into trouble laying on his bed most of class, etc, you get it. So two birds and one stone.

We had fun doing the silly workout videos online - it was a blast - and it was f-ing hard too! I mean I haven't done burpees since I was in high school - and mountain climbers? I mean this was some real hard stuff they were doing. So a few months of that every day and I was feeling better (well, more in shape at least), and I decided I would try some online videos of my own. And so began the torture I called my pandemic exercise which consisted of all HIIT (or High-Intensity Interval Training) workouts - and yes it was intense. I did these 30-minute videos 5 days a week. Sure it felt great when they were over but WOW did they suck when I was doing them.

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Fast forward 6 months and I have reduced the videos down to like 3 days a week because it’s just too much, and I have substituted in 2 days of walking outside because its summer break, we’ve got this quarantine thing down – and it's a nice break from being in the house, to be honest. And I’m loving it, the birds, the breeze, the overall feeling of being OK and safe outside. It was so nice. But I’m also still putting in the work with the HIIT 3 days a week to make sure I'm staying fit you know? And sure it’s still torture but it feels like what exercise should be right?

At the same time as this is going on I am reading The Artist's Way, which is a classic self-development program that is targeted towards “creatives” or people who identify as such. And one morning the journaling prompt asked me to write out my perfect day. And I did - and wow, did it shape my life. The beginning of the paragraph is super crystal clear in my mind still because its what made me change overnight and it started like this:

I wake up and do my morning routine. The house is quiet and as the kids wake up I listen as they get themselves ready for school. They are old enough now that they do their own thing and I do mine. I finish in time to say goodbye as they get in the car and drive themselves to school. I stretch and get ready for my walk, I love being outside each day connecting with nature, the weather and my neighborhood. I come home and have a nice long cup of tea as I prepare my schedule for the day….

And on I go.

I can still remember sitting there reading what I wrote and marveling at the many similarities there were to the life I was already living or would in the future. The kids being older and more time for myself - it was already coming true each day. How much I loved my morning routine and listening to the quiet house - yes! But what was glaringly and obviously different was the fact that I simply went on a walk every day - I wasn’t killing myself to maintain my body and abs and squat muscles, I was enjoying my exercise. I knew right then I would be happier if I just walked every day. And I purposely let go of the belief that I wouldn’t get enough exercise and chose to slow down and do the thing that had qualified for my perfect day and to walk.

And I began to look forward to exercising - I loved walking. I pushed myself to do it fast and to break a sweat and I noticed that I didn’t gain any weight back. Sure, I may have lost some arm muscle but I didn’t care. I was outside and I felt like a weight had been lifted. I started to look around and use the walk as a time for purposeful gratitude. Sure I listened to podcasts lots of the days but for a lot of them I listened to nothing but the birds and the world around me and savored, and it was glorious. 

Come to find out I was doing something that many people were doing at the time which caught on with a trendy name - the hot girl walk. Invented by 23-year-old Mia Lind, on Tiktok, the Hot Girl Walk was born when she was stuck at home quarantining with her family instead of at USC where she was an undergrad. The Hot Girl Walk is simply a walk where instead of entertaining yourself or distracting yourself you spend the time thinking of all 3 things: Your goals, what you are grateful for, and how hot you are.

I love it. It’s such a simple formula — but of course, instead of a Hot Girl Walk, I go on Hot Mom Walks. My Hot Mom Walks are filled with gratitude, and also self-confidence boosting hip swings, but also I like to reflect on my goals for my self-growth: How am I doing? Am I treating myself well this week? Is gratitude landing the same as it did last week? What about my Mom Guilt is she still as loud as last week - how will I acknowledge her but also say no thank you? 

It’s a simple time to stop and reflect - like I always say: Checking in with ourselves is the simplest way to start any amount of healing. On a walk you don’t take the time to fix anything, you just notice, and if my mind starts getting crazy ideas like abs really do matter, I remind myself that I am walking because, from the deepest part of my psyche, something told me that my perfect day included a walk. I dont need the perfect sculpted butt or the tonest arms on the block. I just need to use this time to remember myself, to give myself the attention I so deserve, and to look around and really savor some really simple gratitude. 

We could go into the research on walking (or savoring too!) and I’m sure I could find a few studies to support the 3 miles I do each day, but I am going to go simple here - for me a Hot Mom Walk works. And maybe for you it’s something different. When I was doing the High-Intensity workouts they felt right, like just suck it up and do it Stef because it’s worth it right. But I never really wanted to do them - I want to walk every day. I enjoy it it doesn’t feel like exercise.

GoodAF Mom Gratitude Practice:

I would encourage you to sit for a few minutes sometime this week and try out The Perfect/Ideal Day journalling prompt. Try it - go from when you wake up until you hit the pillow and try to be detailed. Then look at the things you wrote. Where can you tweak your daily routine to be more in alignment with what you deeply desire? And how can you make your life a little more fun? For me it’s the Hot Mom Walk - we shall see what it is for you! Thanks for reading and remember you are already a Good AF Mom! - Stef

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Burnout and the Benefits of Gratitude

Understanding Burnout: It's More Than Just Exhaustion

Did you know that burnout is not a medical diagnosis, (I’ll remind you that I am not a doctor; I’m just a mom and a professional nanny who has both experienced burnout in its many forms and also watched, helped, and supported moms who have reached their own done, done, done moments).

Psychological and Physiological Aspects of Burnout Explained

According to psychologists, Burnout is actually a physiological and psychological state we can reach when the following things go off the rails: Sleep, Healthy Choices (whatever that means to you), Resources, and Support. A ‘state’ means it’s temporary - which is a good thing, right? That’s our first step out of the tunnel. Perspective to see that even though everything is a mess and so heavy and demanding, it is temporary.

The Power of Gratitude in Combating Burnout

Another thing that can help is gratitude. In fact, David W. Chan, who is a psychology professor at the University of Hong Kong, has done numerous burnout studies specifically with teachers and he has this to say, “the burnout components (emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and a reduced sense of personal accomplishment) are diametrically opposite views of the good life (pleasant, engaged, and meaningful life), suggesting promoting the good life or well-being could be an effective positive approach to combating burnout.” He believes that interventions based on forgiveness and gratitude are a positive approach to combatting burnout.

Self-Care Strategies for Overcoming Burnout

So how can we use the benefits of gratitude to combat burnout? Well, the first thing I would say is, if you really feel like total crap, go outside. If you can’t, then put on your favorite music or go for a drive. Basically, create a scenario where even with your toddler in tow, your mood is boosted by your environment. This takes the pressure off you having to do “something” when you are already overwhelmed – you can take a drive and look out the window and give yourself something to look at or feel that inspires gratitude. 

When we are burned out, many things happen - we no longer look to others for social support, and we think everything is terrible, our mothering, our house, our job. It may even feel like we get small and tight. We also stop caring for ourselves. All of this is normal. It’s our bodies coping mechanisms at work. 

So after your walk or drive, I would suggest trying one personal care item - a nap, a shower, or a meal. Nourish yourself and meet some of your basic needs. When we are burned out, sometimes it's because we have chosen our children’s needs and happiness over our own for too long - choosing yourself is not selfish. Meeting your own basic needs for sleep, sustenance, exercise, and hygiene sets an excellent example for your children, and it also offers an opportunity to teach the language of boundaries to our children. 

Now if you can’t do that, OK, when I feel burned out, I don’t feel like I have time for anything - and that ‘anything’ is everything. There is so much to do and so much demanded of me all at once. I am overwhelmed. “Overwhelm” is a powerful emotion and is always coupled with burnout, in my personal opinion.

The Scarcity Trap: How it Impacts Your Well-being

Overwhelm is typically based on a scarcity mindset. A scarcity mindset is one of “not enough” - not enough time, patience, money, and support - you get it. Let’s remember that our culture teaches the scarcity mindset. We have to be in constant motion if we want to be successful. We have to take advantage of every moment of downtime or multi-task because we are moms, and that’s what we do. 

I like to use the analogy of a pie. The mom pie. My pie is made up of the pie shell or all the things you can see (cultural and role-based demands) and the filling or the things no one can see (the invisible load and my mental health) what it’s made of changes from season to season - sometimes filled with sweet and delicious summer fruits, a very demanding season! Or hearty holiday meat filling, nutritious, and just as chaotic!  Now if I took the time to rest, that's a bunch of pie getting eaten up and its hard not to see that if I rested it would mean I would have to say “No” to something else in the future because no matter what my pie is made of there’s only so much of it to go around. 

When I’m out, I’m out. Sometimes I run out of time, and others I run out of patience, but either way, there’s rarely enough for me to get a little taste. Laundry, organized fridges, holiday decorations, and even teaching certain skills, are based on cultural expectations that I call pie eaters. We are told we can do anything and everything as parents but then also told we have our limits and things need to go a certain way in order for us to check the “parenting win” box. And these pie eaters don’t just come from our own childhood and the way we were parented but also from the systems around us. They keep us from never fully realizing that we have enough pie for ourselves too - that in fact, the pie is infinite and never runs out, that there is always enough. Instead, there’s never enough and look at how fast it goes - all totally and utterly out of our control. 

But to be honest, on the days I choose to rest or play with my children instead of doing laundry, I get just as much done. And my relationship with the items that don’t get finished is very different. I discover a relaxed approach - one of equanimity - and look at the unfinished to-do list without feeling like a failure because I got a taste of the pie that day; I was a great parent; I made a puzzle with my son, and he told that silly story, and that makes it all worth it. So after you go for a walk or a drive or listen to some music - my suggestion would be to write your gratitude list because like I always say - you are not noticing all the good around you and all the great mom-ing you are doing too.

Escaping the Scarcity Mindset: Embracing Abundance and Balance

A scarcity mindset can be a good thing - think about all the essays you wrote in school that would still be languishing half-completed if you hadn’t had a deadline. Or the way we have learned to conserve our resources as climate change has demanded us to become more mindful. Scarcity can also orientate your mind solely on the present moment, “How can I make it through Thursday with what we have left in the bank” or “Do I have enough formula to get through the night?” It helps us to hone in on what’s important or the most pressing need in the moment - to prioritize. 

What a scarcity mindset also does is activate the Inner Critic, that voice that is only concerned with the survival of the species and less with how you feel in your one and only lifetime. It tells you that a clean kitchen is more important than connecting with your child, and it reminds you of the last time you were late with the water bill and how your partner was like what the fuck. These alarm bells are valid and are for your own protection. They can keep you afloat and safe but will also definitely impact your daily experiences and well-being.

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A scarcity mindset also blocks your wisdom or that voice inside you that helps you to see the big picture. Living inside of what many call the “Scarcity Trap,” your brain no longer offers you the options that you may actually have at your disposal. Your innate creativity becomes a dead weight that is shed at the first opportunity so that your brain can solely focus on coping, like how to pay the rent or even how you are going to find an ounce of alone time in this crazy neverending parenting life you are living. 

Limiting your perspective is one of scarcity’s most problematic effects. In fact Havard behavorial economists, Sendhill Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir argue that the Scarcity Trap creates a mindset that rarely considers our long-term best interests and therefore blocks you from your GoodAF Mom Intention.

“To put it bluntly,” says Mullainathan, “if I made you poor tomorrow, you’d probably start behaving in many of the same ways we associate with poor people.” And just like many people who live at or below poverty, he adds, you’d likely get stuck and stay stuck in the scarcity trap.

Gratitude as a Path to Overcoming Burnout

So you see how gratitude could help here. When we are burned out, we immediately go to a place of scarcity - it's natural, we feel overwhelmed and under-cared for, and of course, we have Mom Guilt when we can’t meet our children’s needs in the best most perfect way because we are exhausted. 

But when we blame ourselves for where we are or for our struggles to make ends meet or even to complete assignments at work – we forget the systematic machine telling parents (mainly women) they need to be all things to all people all the time. And the same goes with asking for help with the mental load - we have to do the heavy lifting of making a list or having a tough conversation with our partner when we know we are not going to be at our best. 

Choosing Presence Over Perfection: Embracing Imperfections in Motherhood

If you look within without blaming, I bet you will see that you don’t want a perfect house or perfect life, you want to show up for your kids as your whole self, not some shell of a mom and woman. When I realized that one of my most significant stressors was the Perfect Mom mindset I carried around, I also knew that I didn't want that for my kids or me. My scarcity mindset over perfecting my children’s fleeting childhoods quickly disappeared. I didn’t have to be a good mother every second to be a good mother. I love them each day, and that’s enough. I do my best, and that’s enough - I do not have to be anxious about making each day perfect as if it’s the only day we have with each other.

Mixing in a daily practice of gratitude shifts our mindset from treading water to reflection and awareness. You can thank yourself for choosing to play with your kids instead of cleaning; you can be grateful for finding a moment of ease and peace on an otherwise busy day. You may regret taking 10 minutes to draw or play a card game with your child when you sit back down to fold laundry after putting them to bed, but when you wake up the next day, I bet you will be thankful for that time with them. You will feel full.

The Role of Gratitude in Cultivating Positive Emotions and Healing

Positive emotions like gratitude, joy, and delight are not extras. They are not what we should feel once we start working. Soft skills like these are not soft; they are the bedrock of our motherhood. Without them, our healing work would be incomplete (and intolerable). Using gratitude to bring a level of detached acceptance to a situation opens up just enough room, even in the state of burnout, to let down our guard with the ones we love and let in a little giggle or two. Because you have so much Mama - so so much, and once you look around, I know that you will discover you are GoodAF - Stef

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