Learning to Let Go of Resentment
This will sound weird, but Beyoncé helped me deal with my resentment. Specifically, the resentment around my partner not helping - after we had our first baby, sure, but even later once we had two, and they were much older. The resentment and indignation had built up - and bitterness had taken over my mind and thoughts.
Letting go exercises Listen today!
This will sound weird, but Beyoncé helped me to deal with my resentment. Specifically, the resentment around my partner not helping - after we had our first baby, sure, but even later once we had two, and they were much older. The resentment and indignation had built up - and bitterness had taken over my mind and thoughts.
Let’s be honest, parenthood is not evenly balanced in this country, and most of the weight still lands on mothers. So, when I tell you that I am carrying less resentment than ever before, you may be surprised. After all, it feels like a natural part of parenthood these days, doesn’t it?
During her HBO special Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown shared that the emotion of resentment was NOT in the anger family as she had previously believed – an emotions researcher had clarified to her that resentment was actually part of the Envy family,
It was a bit of a shocker for me to hear that – the injustices of our culture, the unfair emotional load inside my own home - that shit made me mad.
And so I had to take a hard look at my resentment (and there was plenty to look at) — and well, crap. envy was the real culprit, and the anger was just a reaction to it all.
As I looked over many of my mothering years, I could see envy play out in each and every painful instance of bitterness. Some were harder than others to equate to envy - but some were pretty obvious: Resenting friends who traveled during the pandemic quarantine - yep, that was actually envy. Resenting my mother-in-law for taking up so much of my time, yep, envy, because she was more engaged than my own. Resenting the moms who looked like they stepped off the Met Gala red carpet at school pick up, yep, I was definitely envious of their sense style because I never know where to start.
I have always been jealous of my husband’s role as a non-primary parent. Maybe you have been too? Non-primary caregivers (still largely a role played by men) have a different experience in this country. While we get to know ourselves as entirely new people, they get up every day and go to work. My husband kept his same friends, his same after-work happy hours, and his same commute. And then, when he was home, he was a parent, TOO – how could resentment not grow out of that?
And after more than a decade of parenting together, not much has changed. He still has a very different experience living (and thriving!?) within parenthood. Yes, he is an actively engaged parent. He takes large swaths of the weekends to play with the kids so I can disappear, he cleans up after them, and throws a few activity books in a bag when we go out to dinner (without me asking!!) – but his identity just hadn’t morphed in the drastic ways that mine has over the years.
Flashing back to the shitshow that was 2020, we are suddenly thrown into a global crisis together, and boom! things got really obvious. Sure I had been a parent for ten years, but I hadn’t been “on” like this since the newborn days: full-time parenting, crisis schooling, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for four people every. single. day. and trying to maintain my business, writing, and creative outlets (ha!). Peak resentment level - unlocked!
Do you remember what it felt like? Life had dramatically changed, but my partner’s had only changed slightly: he was home now, and bonus! it came with homemade meals. The bitterness reached critical mass when it became the first thing on my mind every single day as I rolled myself out of bed. All the ways this situation was unfair to me and not to him screaming to fill the void – yeah, not such a great way to start your day.
This habit of rumination took me forever to notice, but when I did, I didn’t like it. I didn't like waking up in a “mood.” We were already going through so much as a family my children and my partner did not need me starting off on the wrong foot. And so, I decided to give the practice of noticing my thoughts a try every morning as I woke up.
And I did this for a while, maybe two or three weeks! And as I noticed all the negativity that lived inside my morning fog, I also noticed a competing force. I actually could hear something else. Songs. At first, it was frustrating too, like: Why am I constantly fighting with these songs that are stuck in my head!? I'm trying to listen for my resentment! I was trying hard not to let my wrath take charge of my day, but all I could hear was Justin Beiber or Beyoncé.
And then one day, I was like – you know what? I need to start listening to these songs because they're consistently around and not going away. And I gave up fighting them and began to listen every morning. And the songs were really quite upbeat. This was amazing because it was just what I had been looking for – moments of feeling good and uplifted. And so every morning I listened, grabbed onto the hook, and held on for dear life – and it would get me through the day.
And slowly, as I switched my attention to the songs, the resentful thoughts faded.
And now, two years later, I get excited to wake up each morning to see what songs are in my head – because I think it’s my subconscious trying to give me a message: Okay, today you need to focus on this or reflect on that from yesterday – use this song. It's a rewarding and enriching experience I have with myself every morning. And it's because I had the courage to look at my habitual thoughts – my envy – and say, “What's going on here?”
We aren’t all going to wake up to the Queen B, but there are plenty of opportunities for healing that are right under our noses. When we stop giving all our attention to our habitual thoughts (especially to those rooted in emotions that aren’t what they seem - resentment, I’m looking at you) and try out the simple practice of just noticing, we can take a more thoughtful approach to our daily lives, and even open up a little room for something a bit more Irreplaceable. - Stef
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Three Main Benefits of Parenting with Gratitude
You won’t want to miss this post because it will explain why gratitude is going to change your relationship with motherhood.
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Parenting is hard—there’s no denying it. But what if shifting your focus could make it feel more fulfilling, even joyful?
Parenting with gratitude© doesn’t just help you notice the good; it transforms the way you show up for your kids and yourself.
Here are three key benefits of parenting with gratitude©:
1. Gratitude Builds Resilience
Parenting is full of challenges, but gratitude changes the way you respond to them. When you focus on what’s working—like the small wins or moments of connection—you build emotional resilience. Gratitude strengthens your ability to bounce forward after tough days, making you more present and patient for the next while allowing you to see the skills and strengths you bring to the role.
Quick tip: At the end of each day, write down one small parenting win, even if it’s as simple as, “I made it through today.”
2. Gratitude Enhances Connection
Gratitude helps you see your child for who they are—messy emotions and all. By appreciating their unique qualities, you strengthen your bond and build mutual respect. When children feel valued, their confidence grows, and your relationship deepens. Gratitude also allows you to see all the helpers in your life–because while modern parenthood can feel lonely, there are still people in our lives that show up for us in small ways every day.
Try this: During tough moments, pause and ask yourself, “What do I appreciate about my child right now?” or “Who helped me today?”
3. Gratitude Shifts Perspective
When you focus on gratitude, the daily grind of parenting feels less like an endless to-do list and more like an opportunity for growth. Gratitude widens your perspective, helping you see challenges as part of a bigger picture instead of just frustrations.
Example: That tantrum? It’s not just a meltdown—it’s a chance to teach emotional regulation, both for your child and yourself.
Start Small: A Gratitude Practice for Parents
Parenting with gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring the hard stuff. It’s about balancing the hard moments with a purposeful practice of noticing the joy, the growth, and the small wins. Start by looking for one thing you’re grateful for each day—about your child, your partner, or even yourself. Over time, these small moments build up into a more fulfilling parenting journey.
Want to dive deeper into the benefits of gratitude? Read more here or sign up for weekly practices to bring gratitude into your daily life.
Gratitude: a Stepping Stone to a More Mindful Life
I am obsessed with gratitude because it has changed how I view the world. I grew up in New England, so I celebrated the negative. But that all changed…
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Gratitude: A Stepping Stone to a More Mindful Life
Hi, it’s me, Stef, again. Here to talk to you about parenting differently with gratitude. I am obsessed with gratitude because it has changed how I view the world. I grew up in New England, so I celebrated the negative. It’s kind of hard to describe how a cultural mindset works, but in Massachusetts, where I am from, it’s pretty acceptable to be super negative, sarcastic, and self-deprecating.
First of all, not all of the Northeast is filled with pessimists, but I assure you that optimists are not the norm. You have to be hard to make it through the winter, and you have to be tough to fight for what you want. The world is not out to help you - the world is out to get you - and don't you dare show anyone that you can fall.
Of course, the world is not out to “get” a middle-class white girl from Massachusetts, even if she grew up in a small rural town. This is just another worldview - there are so many, after all. And so, I grew up with both the luxury of white privilege and the austerity of optimism. Weird? Maybe but if you are from the Northeast, you get it.
So you know my starting viewpoint – even if something went right, it was just law that the other shoe was always gonna drop somehow.
But I’m not like that anymore — and yes, living in California has something to do with it — but you can still be a negative SOB in the Golden State. My worldview has changed. That is what happened when I started to look inside and do the work I needed to do to become a happier human. And the intention was not enough - I DID have to do the work - I just didn’t need to grit my teeth and bear it. Parenting didn’t have to be about reading every book, going to every workshop, and FIGURING THAT $%^& out by myself.
It took action — it took courage — did I want to keep choosing my kids over my well-being or did I want to choose myself first?
Choose yourself first. What does that really mean?
Well, it’s not as simple as taking an afternoon off - motherhood doesn’t work that way - especially in the early years. A “Choose Yourself First” mindset does not mean sacrificing your kids’ happiness for your own. It’s about where you want to put your energy — you’re taking such great care of your kids — but what if you just lessened up a bit on that and started taking care of yourself a little more?
Take a quick second to reflect on the things in your control and see if you like how they are going.
Do you NEED to do everything you’re doing or is that your inner perfectionist at work? Is it society telling you that your kids HAVE to be in sports and that your HAVE to help with PTA and you HAVE to teach your newborn to swim - but do you?
You get to decide for yourself if the events and/or people in your life support or deteriorate your well-being. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for other people’s or cultural opinions.
Let’s take a look at my well-being success formula it’s:
INTENTION + ATTENTION + ACTION + REPETITION = RESULTS
And here we are talking about attention - where is most of your’s going?
Yeah, it’s your kids, duh, I know.
Let's talk about why gratitude could be the right action for parenting in the first place.
Every mother dreams about becoming less triggered by her kids; some of us yell, some give up – we all flood with overwhelm. Unfortunately, most parenting advice assumes we can break out of these habitual reactions without learning the skills to get there.
Those preliminary cycle-breaking skills are crucial because we can't take any advice without getting to what I call "The Juicy Pause" – or that moment right before we react. We are always reading these books and trying these things and failing! Because they take patience, we just don’t have. I remember when I was a toddler parent how much I wished I could have more patience - like it was the key to everything when in reality, it was how quickly I went to reaction town that was keeping me from succeeding, I got triggered when my child didn’t respond to a new technique right away I modeled back their emotions and they slapped me in the face or laughed, I walked out of the room to have a time out and they followed me screaming, and so I screamed back. Nothing would stick, and it wasn’t because I was impatient - it was because I was TRIGGERED.
My reactions were emotional - not thoughtful.
How would I learn to be a better parent if I couldn’t stop myself from yelling at my child in the first place? I had to break some pretty deeply entrenched habits. Ones that had been modeled to me as a child and probably even modeled to my parents as children.
To take the advice of so many well-meaning child experts out there, we have to expand the pause - the moment right before we are triggered, and the only way to do that is to learn to become more present, to notice there is a pause, to begin with.
We need a more mindful approach to parenting growth, one that I believe starts with a committed, daily practice of gratitude.
Dan Harris, ABC correspondent and author of 10% Happier, has famously said, “I do meditation because it makes me 10 percent happier.” I feel the same about gratitude.
It won’t fix your whole life - but after a few weeks, you will feel the subtle shift from how you used to think, feel and behave to the way you do now - and let me tell you, your kids will approve.
And so I hope you stick with me as we plod deeper into this idea of Parenting Differently with Gratitude because the benefits make it worth it. Your self-doubt and Mom Guilt softens away, you become more connected to your friends and community, and you arrive right here in the present moment where your kids already live.
What will you do to choose yourself this week? Well, I hope you will start writing that list each morning. And if you haven’t downloaded our mantra of the week, it is a perfect reminder you can put right there on your phone screen: Taking action is a gift to myself.
And don’t forget - you are already a Good AF mom.
Other posts on Gratitude:
Daring to Parent Differently: Your Official Pep Talk
Your intention to parent differently stems from a deep well of courage. Did you know that?
You can also listen to this post in podcast form - because you need a pep talk in your ears right now!
Download this week’s Gratitude Mantra and put that s&#t on your phone! (or tablet). Totally free no email required.
Your intention to parent differently stems from a deep well of courage.
Did you know that?
The bravery it takes to look at our conditioning and make a change requires going to the places where we are most vulnerable. And that can be scary and hard. But it works, shining the light on our shadows, learning to know them, and love them too. It works, but it’s hard work. And we are doing it (!!) — and each day we stretch open a little bit allowing more and more light to seep in illuminating what we used to know and what is actually true.
“What Right Aspiration translates to in terms of daily action is the resolve to behave in a way that stretches the limits of conditioned response.” - Silvia Bornstein, It’s Easier Than You Think.
We are parents who are looking for new options so so many different reasons; maybe we want to break the cycle of childhood trauma, maybe we want to step outside of what the culture thinks is “normal” or maybe our lived experiences have forced a new perspective. No matter what your initial motivation is - know that we are all in this together and I know just as well as you do that this is not an easy path to forge. It’s even harder when you are the trailblazer unable to rely on advice, or modeling, or even your instincts at first.
We are not the first who are willing to make a change - willing to bleed a little to grow. Brené Brown famously uses the Teddy Roosevelt quote in her book Daring Greatly and I will use it here as well:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again... who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” - Theodore Roosevelt
How are you parenting differently? How are you daring greatly?
Maybe you have decided to live sustainably - amazing!
Maybe you have decided to separate from a toxic parent - wow, so brave!
Maybe you have decided that one child is enough - you do you!
Maybe you are transparent with your children about your emotions - kudos!
Maybe you apologize to your children when you are wrong - dare to care!
Maybe you decided that your happiness matters more than being a perfect parent - scary but so brave!
Maybe your family limited screens and TV - keep going!
Maybe each day you wake up and stubbornly look this crazy world in the face and with the determination of someone who radiates only love, you counter suffering with the power of gratitude. - that’s me, and I am brave.
Wherever you have decided enough is enough - I see you. I honor your bravery. The courage and strength to do just one of these things in the face of judgment, criticism, and even shame is a lesson that your children will never forget. I applaud you all. Thank you for your intention to parent differently.
p.s…. love the positivity? Follow me on all the socials and never miss a pep talk.
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Gratitude Practice: Baby Steps
OK, so maybe a daily gratitude list is out of reach right now for you Mama. However, training your brain toward a more positive relationship with yourself should be one of the top priorities, so we are going to take a baby step and introduce an easy-to-follow daily routine.
OK, so maybe a daily gratitude list is out of reach for right now. Every stage of motherhood is going to be different, there are different time restraints and different priorities and so I don’t expect every one of you to be able to sit for 5 minutes each morning and make a list.
However, training your brain toward a more positive relationship with yourself should be one of the top priorities (right under feeding that baby).
So this is your baby step - the 3:33 pm alarm.
And I want us all to share how we incorporate this into our lives on Instagram so tag me in your stories @parent_differently
The 3:33 pm alarm is going to help us introduce the concept of parenting with gratitude into your life in a very simple and easy way.
Listen to this post as a podcast!
So what is this concept of Parenting with Gratitude? Why do I want us to get deep into this?
I like to say that the recipe for achieving well-being is this:
Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results
We have discussed setting an intention in the past you can read more about it here.
So we take our intention, and we add ATTENTION.
That means we are going to start to train our brains to notice what we want to notice - not what it was programmed to notice because of evolutionary biology.
If our intention is: to parent differently, we need to bring attention to our parenting.
If our intention is: to become our best selves, then we need to bring attention to ourselves!
I do this without losing my mind by looking at all the parts of parenting that fill me up. We already have the Negativity Bias to help us obsess over the mistakes, so now it’s time to shift our attention to looking at the good.
Enter the 3:33 pm alarm. The positive things we look for will be made into a short list of 3, and you will be reminded each day to make your list, and yep, its as simple as setting an alarm on your phone for 3:33 - then when it goes off wherever you are I want you to focus your attention on 3 good things, or 3 things you are grateful for, or whatever is positive and going well.
Other things we can look for are:
What went well yesterday?
What makes you a good mom?
What you are grateful for?
What did you provide for your family in the last hour?
Who made you smile this morning?
Who helped you or who did you help?
We are going to do this as a baby step to the big kahuna, which is a daily list of gratitude. This alarm will teach you to stretch your brain a bit each day and notice what may be overshadowed by stress, crying, work, and forgetting the lunch box, you name it.
I believe that Gratitude is the simplest tool we can use to ease the everyday stress of parenting.
Science shows our mindset matters but also, that our route to living a more satisfying life tends to go directly through hardship.
In our case, that hardship is also a gift pssst…its parenting.
Parenting brings with it the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It tests us and asks of us again and again, to grow and to become more wise, patient, and gracious.
Here’s a quote from Scott Bary Kaufman from his recent article on tragic optimism in the Atlantic:
“In recent years, scientists have begun to recognize that the practice of gratitude can be a key driver of post-traumatic growth after an adverse event and that gratitude can be a healing force. Indeed, a number of positive mental health outcomes are linked to a regular gratitude practice, such as reduced lifetime risk for depression, anxiety, and substance-abuse disorders.”
Choose a traumatic event: COVID, overturning of Roe vs. Wade, pervasive school shootings, caregiver burnout - and I’ll assure you that we are ready for a healing force. Google's "Year in Search" revealed searches for "How to maintain mental health" reached a worldwide high in 2021, as well as searches for affirmations and women’s health. We are crying out for science-backed practices that work.
So this is your baby step - the first practice that will help to establish a routine of daily gratitude. To remind you to look for the good - because we need to train your brain to see just how Good AF you already are.
Listen to the podcast on the 3:33 PM Alarm for more!
And don’t forget to follow on social for all things gratitude, parenting and positivity.
October Gratitude - Podcast Launch & Free Mantra Download
The Parent Differently with Gratitude Podcast has officially launched - you can find the first few episodes in this post as well as a FREE mantra download to keep you positive and on the gratitude track!
The Podcast has officially launched!
Every week I will be sharing a bit more about parenting, gratitude, and mindfulness.
Are you ready to parent with more patience, empathy, and compassion but gave up gentle parenting after one exhausting never ending day?
Then you need to subscribe to “Parent Differently with Gratitude”!
Listen in as I offer you a sneak peek into my journey to normalize imperfect parenting and discover the gifts a committed gratitude practice can bring to modern family life.
Parenting with gratitude is not the end goal - it's the method. 🎟
It's the means to achieving the goal of gentle parenting without skipping the prep phase.
🎧 Listen to this podcast if you want to parent differently than you were raised.
🎧 Listen to this podcast if you want to parent differently than you did 5 years ago.
👉 Hint: it starts with figuring out how to be less triggered and more present; less burned out and more accepting; less guilt-ridden and more compassionate. It sounds complicated - but with the compound effect of gratitude and a supportive community of GoodAFMoms - you've got this.
Every week, I will also give away a free "Parenting with Gratitude Mantra" to compliment the week's theme right here on the blog (scroll down). Other podcast bonuses include interviews with expert guests, sleep consultants, and other mindful parenting guides, and easy and fun gratitude practices that fit your modern parenting lifestyle.
Latest Episodes
Free Gratitude Download 👇
No email required, Mama. Download then add it to your phone’s lock screen for a simple pick-me-up — or even add it your iPad!
p.s…. love the positivity? Follow me on all the socials and never miss a pep talk.
And don’t forget to share the podcast with a friend and leave a review on Apple Podcasts!
DM me on social if you leave a review and I will send you some free swag!!
How to be a #GoodAFMom
Yes, we can have the intention to be better parents, but if that means we are unhappy parents then maybe it’s time for a system breakdown.
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James Clear, author of Atomic Habits has a famous quote:
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems…Your system is the collection of daily habits that will get you there.
It made me wonder if I had been explaining my mission clearly enough to people. Parenting differently with gratitude - but how? And what is the goal? Well, there really isn’t a goal. There’s only the person I want to be: the happy parent who shows up.
A long time ago probably right after the birth of my motherhood, I made the intention to be a better parent. To break the cycle that I had survived, and to be a kind, attentive mother who raised kind, compassionate kids.
Well, that lasted a while, but along the way the realities of modern motherhood woke the Kraken deep inside, revealing my childhood trauma and my firey Inner Critic, fueled by expansive self-doubt, and stoked by an even larger store of perfectionism.
The intention of being a “better parent” was actually making my day-to-day worse. It kept reminding me of just how much of a not-so-good parent I was - and I was losing the parts of me I loved as they were sucked into the black hole of negativity, resentment, and shame.
Let’s just say I had fallen to the level of my systems and those systems were unintentional parenting and basically one big ball of reactivity and yelling. You know — what I was modeled as a child.
I just wanted to be happy but all I felt like was a Bad Mom. Things had to change. The whole system was F-ed from the original intention down to the daily habits, I needed to start anew.
And so I decided my intention would be to be a happy person instead. If I was happy I knew all the other stuff would fall into place, it just had to. It took the focus off my kids and put it on me, this intention asked me to take a look at my triggers as well as look for things that were good AF about my life already.
With a new intention, I set out to change my “process” or the daily habits that kept me stuck in resentment and yelling because Damn It! my kids were a reflection of my success and things were not going well.
Spoiler Alert: I made it out of the Bad Mom cycle - and I have added habits along the way that only serve to solidify my happiness, I got rid of my Mom Guilt, and I became a better partner and mother along the way. Listed below are the steps I took — over three years mind you!
I hope that in time you too can take these steps and find a new collection of daily activities that help you to rise each morning feeling good AF and not like a failure because you no longer subscribe to the unreachable goal of Parent of the Year.
The new system:
Commit to daily gratitude. Take what can sometimes be a fleeting emotion, and teach your brain to embrace a more permanent state of grateful living.
The process:
Each step is anchored in a new skill (in parenthesis) that will help you to achieve each step over time.
For science-based activities and more on each skill join my 12-week free email series - and you will be guided through one skill a week.
Wake up a bit earlier, nothing crazy, just like 5 minutes earlier. (Courage)
Write down 10 things you are grateful for - this trains your brain away from the negativity bias. (Gratitude)
Remind yourself your children don’t know your past traumas or the emotional burdens you may carry. (Equanimity)
Then remind yourself that they are new to this planet. (Empathy)
Go through your day and observe your children with the same awe and wonder they observe the world. (Joy and Delight)
Start saying out loud the nice things that are already in your head. (Affirmations)
Begin noticing when you’re upset and what your expectations were at that moment. (Mindfulness)
Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. (Compassion)
Mentally list 3 things you're grateful for as you get into bed. (Courage)
Remind yourself of one thing that went well during the day. (Self Reflection)
Are you ready to set a new intention? If you are go ahead and do it now because that’s the easy part. Then you need the courage to change one daily habit, to commit to the compound effect of daily gratitude, and then watch over the coming year as your self-doubt, isolation, and shame dissapaer. And don’t forget - you are already a #GoodAFMom - Stef
Gratitude Before Mindfulness…
Often when I find myself struggling as a parent to stay mindful and present I revisit it to remind myself just how simple mindfulness can be.
Listen to this post as a podcast:
Let me explain my thinking here…
Let’s dive into my trusty “Snowstorm Metaphor” — I developed this as a way to open the book I am writing called GoodAF Mom (still in progress sign up to be notified here!).
Often when I find myself struggling as a parent to stay mindful and present I revisit it to remind myself just how simple mindfulness can be.
I am originally from New England, so naturally this metaphor came to me while driving one day in beautiful California feeling absolutely GRATEFUL for no snow, ever.
The metaphor
Imagine you are driving on the highway and it has been snowing for maybe an hour or two - it’s not coming down too hard, but it’s not a light dusting either. Your exit arrives and you notice that the snow has built up somewhat on the ramp. But you’re by yourself and have driven in snow your whole life so you’re not too worried about the ramp or the roads on your way home. You slightly decrease your speed as you come down the ramp and head home without much worry.
Now imagine that same exit with kids in the backseat. Not wanting to get into an accident in freezing cold weather, you’re instantly worried and immediately slow down. You turn down Raffi and become hyper-focused on the cars and pedestrians around you. There’s a sudden hush in the back seat as your little ones absorb your rising anxiety level and you take it super slow and methodical all the way home, getting there a bit past bedtime, but totally safe.
Now imagine that same exit ramp, except this time a plow has been over it recently. You can see the deep dark road showing through the freshly cleared snow and you know you will have some grip on the turns home. Maybe you release your grip on the steering wheel a little and keep the music at its normal volume — all while keeping a steady gaze at the road and other cars nearby. You let your anxiety ease up a bit too, and get home with plenty of time for bedtime.
OK, so what does it all mean?
I am guessing it’s pretty obvious that the snowstorm in the metaphor is life and everything that it brings with it, right? We are not in control of the snow or how hard or soft it falls, whether or not it melts in the atmosphere and becomes rain, or evaporates to allow the sun to shine down. It’s all just weather.
Privilege, race, and other cultural factors place us all in different cars, but no matter what you drive, the path that leads you home is mindful awareness. Along the mindfulness path, we learn to respond instead of react, to bring compassion and love to every aspect of our journey no matter what others may think, to give of ourselves for the betterment of others, and to notice that we have exactly what we need right now in this very moment. Mindfulness can guide us to a cozy, safe, and warm home, where we are loved for who we are, right now, with no judgment.
I want to make it clear that the path can be taken unplowed. You can add mindfulness to your to-do list and it can become a solid, committed part of your daily life — with hard work. And if you have kids in the back seat it will take diligence and a steady hand, but it can be done — I see people doing all around me, all of the time.
But wouldn’t you rather take the road that was plowed? Even a little bit?
Well, that road is plowed with gratitude.
I consider gratitude the simplest and smoothest path you can take to a life filled with mindfulness and well-being.
Yes, a basic mindfulness practice would be enough if maybe I didn’t have really loud kids in the back seat (who trigger my childhood trauma at every turn). If it was quieter I may even get to a place of deep well-being easily with a solid yoga, meditation, and breath-work practice.
But I have kids and trauma - and they are both loud and take up a lot of my attention. My kids still really NEED me to be thinking of them first. And trauma doesn’t really go away does it? With therapy, it becomes something more manageable, but it’s still there sitting in the trunk of the car. And so I have to stay focused, maybe not white-knuckling my way along our shared life’s path, but I’ve still got to drive.
And so I would prefer the plowed road. Wouldn’t you?
Every day I chose gratitude as my snowplow. It’s my stepping stone towards a more mindful life. I gave it a try and it paid off for me. And now I want that for you and for all parents — because it ended up being so simple! It wasn’t a chore or a big, life-changing spiritual experience. It was so easy to look at my life and find things I was thankful for because I have kids. Because I have a source of love and laughter and silliness already in my life.
Because they were in the car with me, gratitude came naturally.
WHo is in your car?
How do you plow the road then?
How do you come to accept that among the unpredictable weather there is freedom and peace (and the possibility for a few snow angels)?
You buy yourself a Gratitude Journal and you wake up each morning, scan your yesterday, and write down 10 things you are grateful for. That’s it. And you do this every single day (trying not to skip).
If you do this I promise you gratitude will change you. It will make everything else on the mindfulness “path” - the awareness, the meditation, the PATIENCE - appear at the right time, as if the road had been plowed. The anxiety will fade, the music and laughter will remain, and your kids will make it to the next part of their journey in plenty of time for bed.
So if you decide that you would like to skip the white-knuckled path to mindfulness and try a smoother route please let me know how went for you fill out my gratitude survey here and be part of my upcoming book!
Just an FYI: In my experience, it seemed to take about 4 to 6 weeks to really notice the changes — but I am confident they will come and I will be excited to hear more from you when they do!
till next time - Stef
Parenting with Intention
My intention to be happy is stronger than my intention for perfection ever was because I look for the good in every day and I reflect on what went right and not on what went wrong.
Listen to this post as a Podcast:
My family and I were walking home from dinner on a very chilly night this spring and my youngest and I kept stopping to look at this or that along the way. Noticing that we were behind he immediately would yell to his brother and dad ahead of us - “Wait Up!” but they couldn’t hear him.
“Let’s run and catch up to them,” I said, and off we went. Well, apparently he does not see me run very often because all of a sudden he’s there right beside me yelling, “Look! Mommy’s running, Mommy’s RUNNING!!!” squealing with delight.
Then his brother is jumping and laughing and squealing, “Look, Dad!! Look!” and I’m dying laughing because it's all so obvious - of course, I can run. I mean we all can run. I just choose not to because I don’t really like it, not to mention, what grown woman runs in heels with her kids? But boy was it fun to run with him - to laugh and connect and warm our bodies in the cold air.
The honest truth is I have often chosen not to run with my kids, choosing to avoid what may end up being joyful and fun, for many years. Instead, I have chosen to strategically to stay on the sidelines and keep watch with my critical eye:
Did he just dismiss that kid?
Why does he have to always be so mean to his brother?
Was that a good way to intervene when they were fighting?
That mother handled that situation so much better than I ever will.
Why are there some parents who seem so happy and then there’s me?
Am I the only one who wakes up each morning just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Listening for children arguing down the hallway as I dress, or stepping on yet another lego they refused to clean up cursing my weakness as a parent all the way to the coffee pot. Yes, it's my first instinct to think things are not going well and that it’s my fault.
In this parenting story presented by my brain, now featuring!: Kids who are destined for therapy! And who will hate me when they were older! And forget the present - they will never listen to you no matter what you say!
If I were just a little bit better of a mom, if I just read one more book on parenting, then maybe things would line up and I would achieve mom greatness.
And so (fueled by endless amounts of caffeine) I became obsessed with child development.
I became the parenting-expert you were lucky to live next door to, the "Super Nanny” your friend bragged that she had snagged. And yes, I could pretty much tell you what was going on with your child if you asked. Totally helpful for my career as a nanny, not so helpful after telling my son “I love you no matter what” and his comeback was: "No don't you love me all the time - not when I'm sad or you're mad - I don't believe you.” #tearmyheartout
Determined to keep this hurt (this failure) from stopping me - I kept reading. Book after book after book, searching for clues. And every day I struggled to hold on as I tried “tips and tricks” and failed.
I lived in this cycle for years! My kids did something, I reacted. I immediately then treated myself like a failure and went looking for external help, clinging to workshops and expert advice and when that didn’t work immediately I would lose my sh*t again - which perpetuated the cycle.
The more I read about their little brains and their development, the more empathy I developed for their struggles. I also discovered just how hard it was to play catch up as their brains and bodies grew through substantial leaps and I pretty much stayed the same.
Here I was arriving each morning with the same baggage from my childhood traumas: my negative self-worth and self-talk, my thirst to be the "Perfect Mother”. And all along I was constantly looking outside myself longing for the perfect solution to my Good Mom/Bad Mom cycle.
The struggle was indeed real, and it was even happening to me - the Super Nanny.
The books had failed me, they never addressed my experience, only what my children were about to go through. The goal of being a perfect mother is not reachable and I didn’t realize I had been trapped inside my good intentions all along. I wasn’t the perfect mother and I was never going to be.
We all have childhood stories that make us different from other people, partners who have different styles then we do, interfering yet well-meaning family members, and friends who make it look easy.
Parenting is a constant and evolving process and you need to decide what you want out of the relationship. As the Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield says at baby blessings: “You now have a live-in Zen Master - they are here to help you grow”. It’s never going to be over, your kids will always be your kids and every day they offer you an opportunity for deep and reflective self-growth.
I have come to look at it as a practice in true authentic self-care more than anything else. At the beginning of this self-care practice, I softened my intention to be a “Perfect Mother” to just becoming a better parent for my kids. But now after many years of practice, my intention is to just be happy.
And most days I am. I surprise myself with how far I’ve come every day and I stand in amazement - really in awe - at how good it feels to be ok with imperfection.
Don’t expect to come to my house and see me interacting with my kids like some magical Mary Poppins because that will be very far from what you see. We have plenty of days where we argue and I yell and things are really hard. But the difference is that those days don’t define me anymore. I can brush off a “You’re so mean”. I can meet my children where they are and support them in a way that sends me deeper into the circular practice of gratitude and contentment.
My intention to be happy is stronger than my intention for perfection ever was because I look for the good in every day and I reflect on what went right and not on what went wrong. Because there is a difference between wishing things would change and intending to make those changes within yourself.
My goal is to help you to begin the process of shifting the type of parenting that you do now to something a little bit different, something that may result in your being a little bit happier. It may not be better right away, but we all learn through experience, growth doesn’t happen overnight. So what is your intention - what are you ready to stop wishing for and make a practice instead?
