Don't become a "Parenting Expert" like me.
Seriously, not worth it…
Me 10 years ago:
To be a better parent I need to read every book ever made.
Me now:
That was a waste of time.
LOL 😂…In all seriousness though, because of my devouring of parenting books and child developmental theory, I gathered an immense amount of empathy for my children and the phases they were going through. But my obsession also had an enormous negative effect on my self-worth, putting me into a constant state of feeling unworthy. Especially when the tips and tricks did not work!
When I stopped trying to be a “better parent” and turned the empathy and curiosity onto myself I discovered I had a lot of work to do. And as soon as I got started, my parenting naturally began to shift and change toward the better.
Of course, you are now wondering - well wow, how did that happen?
“…rarely do we see wounds that are in the process of healing. I’m not sure if it’s because we feel too much shame to let anyone see a process as intimate as overcoming hurt, or if it’s because even when we muster the courage to share our still-incomplete healing, people reflexively look away.” - Brené Brown, Rising Strong.
As Brené Brown says, I think we all suffer when we skip over the process of healing: both as we watch others grapple with their suffering and also with our own journey. Wounds do inevitably heal of course but the writers, influencers, experts, and armchair quarterbacks all skip over that healing process when they talk about where they have been and where they are now.
They are healed - you should try what they did because it worked!
Well, I am not healed. My wounds are still fresh and each time I sit down to write it’s because I need help growing the scar tissue so necessary to move on. Each day I sit down to do the work I uncover a new trauma and that scares me because it keeps happening - new wounds open as the old ones sit waiting to be healed.
In those fresh moments, I shy away from meditation as the dam of tears inside my heart threatens to overflow causing me more pain than good - then three weeks go by and I am left reeling in regret. Why do I feel so much frustration and anger towards my kids! Well, my trauma and my open wounds are back running the show.
I know that over the past few years of doing gratitude research and committing to the practices of self-care and compassion I have grown - my wounds are not fresh. I also know how to bandage them and wait for the body to do its magic - but it can’t do it on its own, I have to help it along. I have to show up. I have to look at myself and my inner dialogue, I have to keep my Inner Critic at bay and notice when I am triggered. I must journal and find things I am grateful for because it’s my only road towards healing.
And now I live each day in what Brené Brown calls “the Rumble”: those moments after you are triggered and you have a knee-jerk reaction to something. But also right after you notice what you just did (which in itself takes years of mindfulness practice).
Like me, you can learn to notice your reactions and get comfortable with not knowing the answers. I know from all my work so far that the best thing I can do was to honor my effort — that deep down in my subconscious I am already cheering myself on.
I have so many open wounds. My inner struggle with being a perfect parent is just one of them.
I don’t think we grab a bandaid right now. Let’s just not sugar coat the struggle, or fast forward over it to “all better”. Living with grace is accepting there will be open wounds AND happiness and delight.
I am living my best life — the best I have ever had to be honest. I have healed through a committed practice of gratitude and mindfulness but there are plenty of things that I am still in the thick of - that are not better and may never be. Living an authentic life is just that - making sure to acknowledge it all.
Is your intention to be “better” or just plain happy? I chose happy myself!
Mindful Children's Book #2 - Vote!
Help me pick my next book topic - let’s vote on it!
Help me pick my next book!
What do you think your child needs more right now?
The Gratitude Book will be about focusing on the good even in tough situations plus all the different ways we can express and feel gratitude every day.
The Letting Go Book will be about releasing things that we hold on to - difficult emotions, wanting things to stay the same, wanting people to act a certain way, etc.
Each book will incorporate a body awareness technique like my last book The Middle of the Night Book did. I feel strongly that children learn best when their mind AND body are engaged - and studies show that too.
Watch the video then vote in the comments below! Do you own my first book? Get it here!
"The Middle of the Night Book" is a Mom’s Choice Awards® Gold Recipient
“The Middle of the Night Book” is a Mom’s Choice Awards® Gold Recipient! Can you believe that there isn’t a book for the middle of the night wakings? Well now there is - and moms approve.
The Middle of the Night Book has been named among the best in family-friendly media, products, and services by the Mom’s Choice Awards®
The Mom’s Choice Awards® has named “The Middle of the Night Book” as among the best in family-friendly media, products, and services. The MCA evaluation process uses a propriety methodology in which entries are scored on a number of elements including production quality, design, educational value, entertainment value, originality, appeal, and cost.
"I am so thrilled to earn the Mom’s Choice Awards Honoring Excellence Seal of Approval,” says author, Stef Tousignant. “We know all the great things the MCA does to connect consumers, educators, and caregivers with the best products and services available for families.”
To be considered for an award, each entrant submits five (5) identical samples for testing. Entries are matched to evaluators in the MCA database. Evaluators are bound by a strict code of ethics not only to ensure objectivity but also to ensure that the evaluation is free from manufacturer influence. The five evaluations are submitted to the MCA Executive Committee for final review and approval.
"Our aim to introduce families and educators to best-in-class products and services,” explains Dawn Matheson, Executive Director of the Mom’s Choice Awards. “We have a passion to help families grow emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Parents and educators know that products and services bearing our seal of approval are high-quality and also of great value. The MCA evaluation program is designed to incorporate the expertise of scientists, physicians, and other specialists; but we also engage parents, children, educators, and caregivers because they are experts in knowing what is best for their families.”
With the evaluation now complete, the testing samples of “The Middle of the Night Book” will be donated to schools, libraries, hospitals, and nonprofit organizations.
What is Gentle Parenting? ✨
Is it just a parenting buzz word or does it actually mean something? Let’s figure it out together.
I don’t know what I don’t know.
For the past two years, my intention to be a “better parent” became eclipsed by my desire to just be happy.
And so I’ve focused deeply on self-care. I’ve upgraded my negative mindset with a fierce commitment to gratitude - and now my intention has changed.
I am ready to become a soft place for my kids to land.
And with the birth of the new year just a few short days away, I’m going to spend some time learning as much as I can about Gentle Parenting. Do you have a go-to resource when it comes to this style? Leave a comment below.
What is Gentle Parenting?
Well I looked it up and this stood out from the article I found:
“Aliza Pressman, Ph.D., co-founding director and director of clinical programming for the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, notes, gentle parenting is really just another variation of authoritative parenting. She notes you don't need to get caught up in the semantics of this, as it's really all the same concept: You want to raise a kid with sensitivity and warmth while also measuring out reasonable expectations and boundaries.”
I like this. This type of parenting has always been my intention.
The issue I have with achieving even a small semblance of this type of parenting style however has to do with modeling. I was not brought up this way. No matter how much my mother tried to be different, in the end I was brought up with more of an authoritarian model. My childhood was filled with warmth but it also featured unreachable expectations mixed with confusing and sometimes harsh punishments, impatience, and a demand for perfection.
So now that I like myself again - I am ready to give this type of parenting a try. And of course, it won’t start with jumping in head first - learn the lingo and go! No that never works. I have learned from my healing journey that all new paths start with 2 things: 1. Gratitude 2. Awareness.
So at the beginning of this new year I am prepared to look at each day through the lens of gratitude. And I al willing to watch my actions before I change them - to really notice just exactly what I am saying and doing. The gratitude will help me to notice the good and the mindfulness will help me to notice the present moment.
Between the two I am guessing I will discover I am already doing a great job - and that with a few tweaks I can achieve my newfound intention to be the soft place my children land in a harsh and modern world.
If you would like to join me on my Grateful, Gentle, parenting journey - sign up for my free 12 Weeks of Gratitude Email Series here.
- with thanks, Stef
"The Middle of the Night Book" just works.
A bedtime book that works. “She's waking up crying in the middle of the night less often, and if she does wake up we just read the book, and out she goes. She is also waking up happier in the mornings.” 5 Star Review.
People ask me all the time - why did you self-publish your bedtime book “The Middle of the Night Book”?
Well, let’s be clear the book is good, it is perfect for toddlers and their tired parents, the illustrations are top-notch and all the feedback I get from parents says it just works - so I knew it could be picked up by a major publisher. But in the midst of the pandemic & quarantine, burned-out parents needed it right that moment.
They were the ones who were searching the internet at 2 am googling “How to stop my toddler from screaming” or “When is it ok to ignore my child in the middle of the night?” or “How to stop toddler night terrors”. They were desperate for answers so that they could wake up the next day rested, ready to head into 14 Zoom meetings with their toddler clinging to their legs.
There was no childcare, no grandparents or relatives to drop by, there was zero support from employers and the government. A parent's only real lifeline was a good night’s sleep - and let me tell you that was hard to come by even if your child slept through.
Books not only introduce new concepts to children - but they also introduce the same concepts to their parents. Many people have never heard of a body scan never mind tried to use one in the middle of the night, but it works - and it works for all ages.
A body scan naturally lowers the levels of cortisol in your system. Cortisol is the same hormone that your body produces in order to wake you up in the AM, so lowering its levels when you head to sleep or when you wake in the night makes a big difference to falling asleep at a faster rate.
Please take a moment and watch/read the review attached and let the enormity of this simple routine change sink in. I thank you if you have supported me over the past year on this journey - and even if all you do is learn to do a body scan and never buy my book that it is enough.
After a review like that would I sacrifice the impact this book has made over the past tumultuous year for national recognition and even possibly more book sales if I had waited and gone the traditional publishing route? No.
I appreciate you all.
With Gratitude, Stef Tousignant
Joy is Not an Optional Parenting Skill
After last year, I am not ok with burnout anymore. I’m taking a stand ✨ In December even the weekends are full. We all need a day of rest so we can feel the joy of the season in the ways WE love best. ✨So let’s make it official - 12/21 #holidaydayofrest - are you with me?
This year I am taking a Holiday Day of Rest.
After last year, I am not ok with parental burnout anymore and I’m taking a stand ✨ In December, even the weekends are full. All parents need and deserve a day of rest so we can feel the joy of the season in the ways WE love best.
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So let’s make it official - 12/21 #holidaydayofrest - are you with me?
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Maybe it fills you with joy to listen to Alvin and the Chipmunks each year - but for me, after the 100th time I’m done - and I am ready for the things that fill me with wonder and joy during the holiday season.
Watching Elf once is enough too. There are so many black and white movies I love, like the original Miracle on 34th Street or It’s a Wonderful Life - you have yours, you know the ones.
I need to hear Bing Crosby’s voice reverberate through my chest, go outside smell the cold air, or sit in the silence of a quiet snowy morning.
These are the things that I forget to enjoy while I am checking my list twice, making sure we have enough butter for gingerbread - and oh s^%t the dough has to sit in the fridge overnight!! Should we make muffins for the grandparents to eat? What type of pie will I buy this year, and when will Costco run out? Oh man, I totally forget that I need to remind the kids to make a present for Dad, Great Grandma, and on and on we go.
Yes, I love everything about the holidays but I miss being a kid. I miss being a part of the magic. An audience member enveloped by it - instead of the conductor keeping the music in time.
2020 was the last straw - I don’t think I am totally unwound from the burnout yet, and I know many of my friends are not. Well, it’s time to create the life I want to live, to make it what I want it to be even while my kids are still young. And so once a holiday season I am going to take time for my own Joy and I am calling it the Holiday Day of Rest - and it will be a day right in the thick of it all on 12.21 each year.
This day will be for me. Not to ignore my children and go to the spa, but to notice when I make the choice to put my Joy on hold. Whether I go to work or stay home with the kids I will pause and choose the things that fill ME with Joy - and if the kids don’t like it well they can go watch Elf for the 15th time. On 12/21 I’m not sitting down to watch with them one more time or make a holiday craft or ensure their Santa socks are clean.
On the 21st of December I will focus on what I am going to wear, and I am going to do and listen to and taste.
Maybe I will spend the whole day cutting out snowflakes because it’s what I have always wanted to do. Maybe I will spend an hour outside walking around the neighborhood checking out everyones wreaths, maybe I will go to my sister’s house and sit with her while we watch Miracle on 34th Street, maybe I will make ambrosia - my favorite childhood holiday treat, maybe I will go to church and sing psalms and carols even though my kids have never stepped a foot in a church.
There are so many things I no longer do because my kids never liked them or we found new holiday traditions that were great too. But when you let go of some of the things that always filled you with Joy a little of that Joy gets left out of your holiday - and I know I can feel it missing, can you?
How do you want to feel on Dec 26th when it’s “all over”?
I know if I make just a teensy space for my Joy in December that in addition to all childhood wonder that fills my home, my heart will get a little of it’s own too.
If you choose to take a #holidaydayofrest please use the hashtag on Instagram and I will repost to my Stories!
It is what it is : Parenting with Equanimity
An “It is what it is” mentality is another way to phrase equanimity. The acceptance of your personal reality: there is good and there is bad and then there is everything in between.
I want to live a more open life. I want to accept all the parts of me, of my parenting journey.
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Therapy has taught me that even after you talk about trauma it doesn’t go away. So there’s really not a solution or Magic Eraser you can use.
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What happens is it becomes lighter to carry. I can look at moments from my childhood and say, “yep, that was hard.” but they aren’t as charged or heavy as they used to be.
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This is called equanimity. An “It is what it is” mentality. The acceptance of your personal reality: there is good and there is bad and then there is everything in between.
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You may think oh this is the zero f**ks people always talk about - but no, it’s not passive acceptance either. You’ve just got to choose your battles if you want your voice to be heard.
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Equanimity starts with the acceptance that we cannot control change. It’s our only constant. This makes life beautiful and terrifying all at once.
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I do not have control over anyone else’s actions except for my own. I do not have control over the sun or the tides or whether the person next-door decides to go to rehab or read just one more mystery novel.
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Can I fight and claw for that control? Yes. I can watch and gossip and wonder all I want about the neighbors. I can hover and “Care” and coax my children to be more polite or a bit less loud when they are excited or care about clean floors as much as I do.
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But the thing is we live in the reality we create for ourselves – and at some point we have to decide if that world is going to our own authentic experience or one that we hold so tightly to that we can’t actually see what’s true anymore.
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What would you choose?
Parenting Imperfectly IRL : Week 40, 2021
Parenting imperfectly and in real life. Gratitude. Mindfulness. Mistakes. Cats and love.
Here’s what the past week (week 40, 2021) was like for me on my quest to parent differently.
My intentions were:
Don’t get bogged down by Mercury in Retrograde.
Even if you feel like you aren’t making mental health progress today today - you are.
Trust the experts when it comes to telling your story.
Parenting last week was a bit of a whirlwind. I had my son home on Monday and was starting to have quarantine flashbacks of him never leaving again 😂but he felt better on Tuesday so back to school he went. Do you stay on track when your kids are home from school? Most of my self-care went right out the window!
I am walking 2.5 miles a day and I love it. I go right after school drop off and I am committed to five days a week — I find it to be a lot of fun to be honest. In the past, I would have counted the minutes I was not working in order to exercise (and shower after) but these days it is a concrete part of my routine, so much so that my planning for the day only begins once I have walked and showered.
I made time for coffee with my bestie this week in SF and peeked in on my book which graces the shelves of the cutest toy store in Noe Valley - Mamapundi Kids. If you are local grab your copy there and help to support another woman owned business.
I have been swept away by a wave of inspiration and am almost finished a drawing/painting of pincushion flowers - that although are native to South Africa grow along the coast of Central California and I just love their graphic nature.
We headed to Southern California for a family vacation with the grandparents - our last trip of 2021. Time to slow down a bit as the weather grows colder and evenings darker and put my writer’s cap back on. I will keep you updated on the progress of my book “Parenting with Gratitude” as I make the big push to get it finished this year - wish me luck!
My orange tabby is so good at reminding me that we all carry the ability to be still in a way that is both majestic and soul filling. I want that moment for all of us - don’t you?
-Stef
Gratitude Before Mindfulness…
Often when I find myself struggling as a parent to stay mindful and present I revisit it to remind myself just how simple mindfulness can be.
Listen to this post as a podcast:
Let me explain my thinking here…
Let’s dive into my trusty “Snowstorm Metaphor” — I developed this as a way to open the book I am writing called GoodAF Mom (still in progress sign up to be notified here!).
Often when I find myself struggling as a parent to stay mindful and present I revisit it to remind myself just how simple mindfulness can be.
I am originally from New England, so naturally this metaphor came to me while driving one day in beautiful California feeling absolutely GRATEFUL for no snow, ever.
The metaphor
Imagine you are driving on the highway and it has been snowing for maybe an hour or two - it’s not coming down too hard, but it’s not a light dusting either. Your exit arrives and you notice that the snow has built up somewhat on the ramp. But you’re by yourself and have driven in snow your whole life so you’re not too worried about the ramp or the roads on your way home. You slightly decrease your speed as you come down the ramp and head home without much worry.
Now imagine that same exit with kids in the backseat. Not wanting to get into an accident in freezing cold weather, you’re instantly worried and immediately slow down. You turn down Raffi and become hyper-focused on the cars and pedestrians around you. There’s a sudden hush in the back seat as your little ones absorb your rising anxiety level and you take it super slow and methodical all the way home, getting there a bit past bedtime, but totally safe.
Now imagine that same exit ramp, except this time a plow has been over it recently. You can see the deep dark road showing through the freshly cleared snow and you know you will have some grip on the turns home. Maybe you release your grip on the steering wheel a little and keep the music at its normal volume — all while keeping a steady gaze at the road and other cars nearby. You let your anxiety ease up a bit too, and get home with plenty of time for bedtime.
OK, so what does it all mean?
I am guessing it’s pretty obvious that the snowstorm in the metaphor is life and everything that it brings with it, right? We are not in control of the snow or how hard or soft it falls, whether or not it melts in the atmosphere and becomes rain, or evaporates to allow the sun to shine down. It’s all just weather.
Privilege, race, and other cultural factors place us all in different cars, but no matter what you drive, the path that leads you home is mindful awareness. Along the mindfulness path, we learn to respond instead of react, to bring compassion and love to every aspect of our journey no matter what others may think, to give of ourselves for the betterment of others, and to notice that we have exactly what we need right now in this very moment. Mindfulness can guide us to a cozy, safe, and warm home, where we are loved for who we are, right now, with no judgment.
I want to make it clear that the path can be taken unplowed. You can add mindfulness to your to-do list and it can become a solid, committed part of your daily life — with hard work. And if you have kids in the back seat it will take diligence and a steady hand, but it can be done — I see people doing all around me, all of the time.
But wouldn’t you rather take the road that was plowed? Even a little bit?
Well, that road is plowed with gratitude.
I consider gratitude the simplest and smoothest path you can take to a life filled with mindfulness and well-being.
Yes, a basic mindfulness practice would be enough if maybe I didn’t have really loud kids in the back seat (who trigger my childhood trauma at every turn). If it was quieter I may even get to a place of deep well-being easily with a solid yoga, meditation, and breath-work practice.
But I have kids and trauma - and they are both loud and take up a lot of my attention. My kids still really NEED me to be thinking of them first. And trauma doesn’t really go away does it? With therapy, it becomes something more manageable, but it’s still there sitting in the trunk of the car. And so I have to stay focused, maybe not white-knuckling my way along our shared life’s path, but I’ve still got to drive.
And so I would prefer the plowed road. Wouldn’t you?
Every day I chose gratitude as my snowplow. It’s my stepping stone towards a more mindful life. I gave it a try and it paid off for me. And now I want that for you and for all parents — because it ended up being so simple! It wasn’t a chore or a big, life-changing spiritual experience. It was so easy to look at my life and find things I was thankful for because I have kids. Because I have a source of love and laughter and silliness already in my life.
Because they were in the car with me, gratitude came naturally.
WHo is in your car?
How do you plow the road then?
How do you come to accept that among the unpredictable weather there is freedom and peace (and the possibility for a few snow angels)?
You buy yourself a Gratitude Journal and you wake up each morning, scan your yesterday, and write down 10 things you are grateful for. That’s it. And you do this every single day (trying not to skip).
If you do this I promise you gratitude will change you. It will make everything else on the mindfulness “path” - the awareness, the meditation, the PATIENCE - appear at the right time, as if the road had been plowed. The anxiety will fade, the music and laughter will remain, and your kids will make it to the next part of their journey in plenty of time for bed.
So if you decide that you would like to skip the white-knuckled path to mindfulness and try a smoother route please let me know how went for you fill out my gratitude survey here and be part of my upcoming book!
Just an FYI: In my experience, it seemed to take about 4 to 6 weeks to really notice the changes — but I am confident they will come and I will be excited to hear more from you when they do!
till next time - Stef
Parenting Imperfectly IRL : Week 38, 2021
Parenting imperfectly and in real life. Gratitude. Mindfulness. Mistakes. Cats and love.
Here’s what the past week (week 38, 2021) was like for me on my quest to parent differently.
My intentions are:
To be kind, to model apologies, to give myself grace
and to find gratitude in every moment.
Last week was a nice calm week which kicked off with World Gratitude Day AND International Day of Peace - I want to start all weeks with that much positivity!
Now that the school year is in full swing the tough mornings are back as well as the return of “hating school” - the novelty wore off quick! Do you have a child you hates school? What do you do to help them stay positive?
I am in the middle of reading the book “The Upside of Stress: Why Stress is Good For You and How to get Good at It” by Kelly McGonigal and so far I love the actionable advice offered. One suggestion in the book was to look to your values when you are stressed. So I made this for my phone background…
And when I feel stressed I will look at my values and it’s supposed to help shift my mindset away from the stress and instead towards the meaning in my life. I’m excited to see it in action!
I am yearning to be able to rest like my cat does * as needed * and have started to include 10 minutes of hammock time before school pick up to my schedule.
I hope you have a great week!
-Stef
p.s. Despite the nights getting chillier, I am still in denial about Fall.
Parenting Imperfectly IRL : Week 37, 2021
Parenting imperfectly and in real life. Gratitude. Mindfulness. Mistakes. Cats and love.
Here’s what the past week (week 37, 2021) was like for me on my quest to parent differently.
My intentions are:
To accept imperfection as the goal and not the obstacle.
To find gratitude in every moment.
And to shift my mindset from one of stress as burden to one of finding deeper meaning in the journey.
A kid-free reset was needed so I headed to Calistoga with my best friend for a dip in the mineral pools and the perfect recharge filled with connection and laughter.
I took some time this week to reflect on the mindfulness tools I offer to you. I have decided to add a new one to the mix - and I even got one pre-order! Thank you for supporting my small business with a mission.
I have officially been a parent for 13 years! Easy and hard all at the same time. I injured my hip on my way back from Calistoga which resulting it parenting in pain - and a few very hard and not my best evenings.
I ended up here: My kids are my everything, but I am my everything too. Parenthood is not the only thing that defines me. I do.
And the cats, as per usual, were still living their best life despite us all being in their space. Have a great week!
-Stef
On Belonging, Boundaries & Breaks
Belong, Boundaries & Breaks - we need them all as parents - but mainly the break. Here’s the secret to alone time.
Work is a mess, your boss is upset because you still haven’t finished the top item on his list, you haven’t been getting much sleep because your youngest is teething, and your oldest has decided now is the time to level up her whining. You need a break. You want to set boundaries and teach your kids to play independently from you so you can just break away.
But is that even possible?
When’s my break?
After a year of pandemic parenting I am ready to normalize taking daily breaks from my kids — how about you?
Yes! It is totally possible to do and still support your child’s emotional needs for belonging and connection at the same time. But you are gonna have to do some work upfront, OK? But it will be worth it. And to be completely transparent - the younger your child is, the more connection they will need — but little by little you may be able to include breaks as a normal part of your daily routine if you start now.
Most babies and toddlers already have built-in breaks called naps (no matter how short they may be) - and so at first, we can encourage language around these breaks that will normalize our future separation time.
The key to a break that also honors your child’s emotional needs is baking in connection. If you want to take a break you must first “feed the meter” as Dr.Harvey Karp puts it - that means for every minute you need alone, you need to put in double or triple that amount FIRST based on your child's age. You have to feed the meter before you can leave your car and go off shopping right? Well, this is a meter that you pay with high-quality, highly connected kid playtime.
To introduce this concept you will need to begin by blending the message of connection within the language around a break.
BABIES: introduce the language after naps
“How was your break? I am so glad you rested on your own. I’m here now, let’s snuggle for a minute.”
TODDLERS: be transparent about how you feel, playing is hard sometimes.
“I love playtime, don’t you? But I get tired when I play so hard, let’s take a break. What do you want to do? Blow bubbles or play in the tub?”
PRESCHOOLERS: acknowledge your connection while being transparent about your needs.
“Oh I missed you so much while I was at work, let’s play together before I have to rest and then make dinner.”
OLDER KIDS: acknowledge their present state, while using words that reflect real-life issues.
“After school can be a time where we are all excited to be home — but I think it’s important that we take a few minutes to decompress. Can I sit in your room with my book for a few minutes while you read? What book are you reading right now?”
Interruptions:
While you are on a break it may seem counterintuitive if you are constantly being called to help and you oblige. But in reality, responding immediately to your child’s needs is a vital way to encourage future independent play - not vice versa.
This does not mean we use up our break time solving the problem or meet the need immediately - it means we acknowledge our child’s needs and make sure they know they were heard. Then explain that they will be dealt with at a later time.
Of course with a baby this is different, you can go to them, give them comfort, and connection then step away for another few minutes - but if they can not wait because the bottom level of that pyramids is not met — physically or emotionally — you will need to call it for the morning and try a break later in the day.
With an older toddler or preschooler, you can ask them to get a few items they need and join you.
With an older pre-k/K child you can ask them how much longer they think they can play on their own and then have them set a timer for that amount.
With elementary aged children, you take the time to listen and give a concrete time in which you will revisit the conversation - i.e.: “as soon as I finish this chapter”
Stressed but can’t take a break?
Try these things with your child that will instantly calm you both:
Connection and belonging is a natural way to soothe our brains, distress our nervous system, and relax — no matter our age. So before you jump to the ‘I need alone time’ fix - try these ideas which will fill both your cups when you can’t break away:
Go swimming or take a bubble bath
Listen to an audiobook snuggled up together
Hold hands while watching a favorite show
Lotion/massage each other’s feet and hands
Dance party - sing loudly, Dance with abandon
Read your books side by side
Brush each other’s hair
Go for a drive
Go for a walk outside, no stroller, no agenda
Lay down outside on a blanket and count clouds
Paint with water outside
Blow bubbles
Time to Ask the Right Questions...
Have you ever hear of being “loyal to your suffering” - attributed to Jack Kornfield, I find this phrase rings true for me on a weekly basis. Especially when I find myself in the depths of self-judgment and discover it’s from the “you suck” chant ringing in my ears.
Have you ever hear of being “loyal to your suffering” - attributed to Jack Kornfield, I find this phrase rings true for me on a weekly basis. Especially when I find myself in the depths of self-judgment and discover it’s from the “you suck” chant ringing in my ears.
This loyalty to our suffering completely affects our worldview, doesn't it? Like a really dirty window that we stare through every single day — and we don’t even know the view can be clearer.
The reality is, all the ways I motivate myself to ‘grow’, the things I choose to work on with my partner, the type of morning I have with my kids — all these things are predetermined by what suffering is fogging up the glass. And there’s always something.
The tail end of the poem “When Death Comes” by Mary Oliver just feels like the right thing to put here:
When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms. When it's over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular, and real. I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument. I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.
Now you are wondering what things are fogging up your glass too huh? I have a starter list of mine that may shake a few loose for you:
Am I a good parent?
Why am I always so cranky? And what can I do to fix it?
Am I too dependent on therapy?
Will my kids need as much therapy as I do?
Why can’t I let go of old sh*t?
Why am I always so close to getting it right, but just can’t be successful?
Insert our current status = pandemic, and I have reached a new level of crazy:
Am I a bad parent for not loving all this “extra” time with my kids?
Why have I withdrawn from talking to friends and family?
Once this is over will I ever want to leave the house again?
Will my 7th grader have to repeat this school year?
Will he be socially awkward because of the choices I have made for him?
Ugh, 😂 I’m glad I wrote these down because it’s pretty obvious that I can be asking different questions! OMG. 😯 How about ones that don’t start with me assuming the dirty glass is all my fault, that my suffering is all of my own making.
Maybe instead I can make a list of questions that assumes I am a plant on the other side of that glass that just needs water, and care to grow - and a bit more sun than what I am getting now.
So who would I be if there was nothing wrong with me? What if I were a perfect little plant that grew at just the right rate and got what it needed all the time without fail.
Kind of a wild thing to think about isn’t it. If I woke up every morning and asked myself that question I think my life would be drastically different. Fixing it is so exhausting.
If there was nothing wrong with me:
I would feel free.
I would go outside more.
I would do my thing…..and let my kids do theirs.
I wouldn’t yearn for the day to go well or to “just get through it” — because I would already be OK when it started.
And that laundry list of questions wouldn’t hold up to the blinding light of my freshly washed window. The world would be just right and I would have what I need: sunlight, water, and love.
After all, a plant doesn’t need to know it’s growing to know it loves the light.
Your Toddler is Ready for a Bedtime Glow Up ✨
Are you ready to admit you have a toddler? Here’s a few tips for upgrading the bedtime routine.
So it’s a complete shock when we decide it’s time to shake things up:
saying goodbye to diapers
going back to work full time and heading off to daycare
maybe even eating with a fork instead of their fingers!!
…the hits just keep coming.
I know when it comes to bedtime you may not be as ready to adjust your routine, the predictable nature of what may be: bath, then milk and snuggles, then bed. But just like learning to eat with a fork, new bedtime skills are important to the development of independence and can offer an opportunity to tackle sleep issues leftover from babyhood.
Provide a lot more wind downtime. Slowing down earlier in the evening can make a huge difference for your little whirlwind. If you incorporate screen time in your evening it should end at least 1 hour before their established bedtime. Other ways to slow down include dimming the lights in the entire house, offering a bath time with a spa-like, calm atmosphere, and finally making sure their room is set up for sleep and no longer a “play zone”.
Start the switch from milk to water. This one is a toughy I know and I am not saying go cold turkey, but start the process slowly. By 2 years old your child will need a regular toothbrushing routine and drinking milk right before sleep complicates things. So this is a great time to wean from the night bottle. A simple way to replace milk at bedtime is to offer an insulated water bottle of warm water to drink while you read stories. Then move their nightly milk to before bath and toothbrushing time.
Add in a LOT of choices. Your toddler wants to be in charge of their newfound independence, so incorporate small choices into your bedtime routine. You can start by asking what color they want their bathwater to be (use food coloring!), and move on to who will brush their teeth, them? or you? Finally and most importantly they choose a book and you choose a book. It doesn’t have to be just two books, but pick a # of books and stick to it. Always let them choose the first ones and you choose the last one or what is called the “anchor” book. Make sure your anchor book is one that is read pretty often (or every single night if you can stand it) - this book is an important sleep signal to their bodies and brains. Here’s a great example of an anchor book.
Time for a big kid bed. There are whole articles written just on this transition so I will share only a few tips, the most important being = choices: new bedding they pick out, a book they can bring to bed now that they are ‘big’, which animals sleep with them, etc. These choices will help to activate your toddler’s feeling of ownership. Another tip is to place their new bed exactly where their crib was or at least make sure it's nestled into a corner. This placement will provide the same sense of enclosure that their crib offered.
Learn to stay in bed. Before you transition to a big kid bed, you should introduce a toddler clock. New expectations and skills are best learned separately even these two skills. At bedtime offer one final “check-in” 10 minutes after you tuck them in to allow for any last requests. In the morning, set the clock to change colors earlier than you may want to get up which will set them up for an easy win, then slowly push the time by 5 min increments to get to a more manageable wake-up time.
A solid bedtime routine is incredibly helpful to your toddler and for you as well. Use this opportunity to talk to your child about the new choices at bedtime now that they are “big” and write out their new schedule together. Also remember that when you are ready to introduce a toddler bed make sure you are not also working on another big life change like potty training or starting a new preschool, each one of these transitions deserves developmental time and space, and your toddlers will feel more at ease knowing that even if one area of their life may be changing the rest of their life is solid and secure.
BASED ON THEIR AGE EVERY CHILD NEEDS SOMETHING DIFFERENT:
Toddlers need to learn to regulate and calm their bodies so they can access their own self-settling and soothing skills learned as babies.
Establishing a strong bedtime routine is the foundation upon which these more intangible skills will grow.
So be prepared to help your toddler with their new bedtime routine and order your copy of The Middle of the Night Book today.
A Commitment to Parenting Mindfully
There comes a point when you have to make a choice between parenting and your work - or it will be made for you.
Growing up, I idolized Audrey Hepburn. I looked to her as a living example of what I felt inside on my very best days - beautiful, confident and empowered - center of the room, but still modest and kind. A single woman doing things the way she wanted to. She was always pushing herself to be her very best, a committed dancer before her acting career. Even after the war when her dancing career was over, she kept going, discovering new talents and became a sought-after superstar.
As I grew older and read more about her, I discovered that we were indeed more similar than I thought. When she discovered she could be a mother her life's priorities began to change - and her work life became difficult, always hoping to do "one last movie" and stay home.
Her two worlds tugged at her: the one she had tried for her whole life and this new and wonderful adventure called Motherhood. In the end, she made the difficult choice to stop acting and become a full-time mom, a role which she was loyal to for the remainder of her life.
I think it was a brave and wonderful thing to do (and of course not a choice many of us could make without her superstar bankroll) A bonus of the decision can be found in her charity work with UNICEF which was given time to blossom and grow.
And the world went on without her - but the world inside her home would have been very different for her children (and the children of the world) if she hadn't fully committed to the thing she never knew she wanted.
Of course for her profession in the late 70s, she had to fully commit to her work, you simply did not split your time between motherhood and acting.
These days we can strive to have a career and be a fully present parent at the same time - but it’s in the commitment to parent mindfully that we finally figure out our next steps.
For me the role of “entrepreneur/boss mom/never-stop-always-go” finally ran out, my company acquired, my creative well ran dry - my “one last movie” was a wrap - and so I had little choice but to pick up the role of the SAHM. The way I conducted myself over the next two years is what changed me. Of course it did start out in a depressive state of clinging to everything that I thought had defined me: my work, my purpose, my financial independence, but eventually, (and with plenty of therapy) I decided it was time to parent differently.
I was ready to take ownership of being a fully present parent - to try out PTA events and volunteer in the classroom, to actually listen to their long-winded stories and be curious about them too. More importantly, I was ready to look inside myself and listen to the mean things I had the habit of saying on a regular basis inside and out loud, too.
And through this commitment to my wellbeing I also realized that even though my gift has always been to help parents, I could do this with integrity and authenticity through my writing. And so I write here as much as I can, I write my newsletter and children’s books that pop into my head and my labor of love Parenting with Gratitude which I have spent over a year just letting pour out of me.
I would have never been able to hear my thoughts and wisdom around this if I had made the choice to jump into one more startup or “one last movie” - my worlds would still be tugging in opposite directions with me tearing apart in the middle. In fact, I no longer have that problem at all, and it’s a wonderful feeling, one I will remain loyal to for the remainder of my life.
Caregiver Burnout - Let's Be Real
Let’s face we all go through some form of Caregiver Burnout at one point or another - how can gratitude help?
With society’s constant pressures to be a perfect and attentive parent, we are all ripe for Parental or Caregiver Burnout or even what the Mayo Clinic calls ‘Caregiver Stress.’
Not sure if you have Caregiver Burnout? Maybe you are just overtired or anxious? Take the quiz! Or look at the color chart I have included.
Don’t want to take the quiz? Simply check to see if you have felt more than one of these in the past week:
Totally overwhelmed or feeling trapped
Exhausted by 3 pm
Getting too much sleep or not enough
Major weight fluctuation
Flying off the handle - a lot
Feeling depressed or uninterested in activities you used to enjoy
Resentful of your children
Drinking/smoking/self-medicating (more than usual…)
isolating from friends or family (more than usual…)
Your body has decided to become stiff and sore — or new issues like stomachaches/headaches have started to appear on the regular.
I’m surprised Caregiver burnt-out wasn’t talked about BEFORE the pandemic based on this list!
So How do I fix this?
Listen, there’s actually a big list of ways, and I quote the Mayo Clinic directly below, but I want you to know you are not alone. The struggles of modern parenting and what many sociologists call Intensive Parenting are real for us all. I always seem to be bouncing in and out of burnt-out (or yellow and orange). The goal is to live in the yellow or green for longer by caring for ourselves when we are in the orange and definitely the red.
Understanding Caregiver Burnout:
Caregiver burnout is a result of the tremendous responsibilities and pressures placed on modern mothers. The demands of caregiving can be emotionally draining and physically exhausting, leading to a decline in our health and well-being. Symptoms of caregiver burnout are listed above but may include feeling: overwhelmed, extremely tired, changes in sleep patterns, weight fluctuations, irritability, depression, social isolation, and neglecting one's own needs.
The Power of Gratitude in Combating Burnout:
It makes you feel better - in all the ways. Numerous studies have highlighted the positive impact of practicing gratitude on mental well-being. Expressing gratitude has been linked to lower levels of stress, depression, and anxiety. By focusing on the positive aspects of caregiving and acknowledging the support received from others, you can shift your mindset and reduce the overwhelm. No, you don’t have to ignore the bad - shift your focus a little and look for the good - it’s there, I promise you.
It makes your relationships happier. Gratitude encourages you to see the positive aspects of your relationships and enhances social connection. So if you express gratitude towards the people in your life who support you, whether it’s family, friends, or people you hire, this cultivates stronger bonds. And social support acts as a buffer against future burnout by providing a sense of understanding and shared responsibility.
It helps you to stick through tough times and cope. Research suggests that gratitude plays a vital role in enhancing resilience and coping mechanisms. When you adopt a grateful mindset, it’s like you’re saying, “I will make the effort to find meaning and purpose in my role.” Taking on parenthood as a learning opportunity instead of a source of stress allows you to reframe the chaos as an opportunity for growth, which it certainly is — and that leads to greater resilience in the face of adversity.
It provides simple and free self-care and mindfulness. Practicing gratitude encourages you to prioritize self-care. Once you stop to notice what you have, you may see what you lack — basic needs like sleep and calories are my guess. You can prevent future burnout by acknowledging your non-negotiables, but within those overwhelming moments where you choose to pause, expressing gratitude and savoring them will help to extend their impact. Gratitude promotes mindfulness, helping you stay present, in the moment, and appreciate the small pleasures of motherhood.
It grounds you emotionally. Taking care of kids non-stop can lead to emotional exhaustion and feeling like you are totally isolated. Gratitude serves as a powerful tool in countering these negative emotions. Engaging in daily gratitude practices, such as keeping a gratitude journal or expressing appreciation to oneself, helps caregivers cultivate positive emotions and find joy in their caregiving journey. You can try out a new practice each day by joining my 10-week How To Parent with Gratitude Series here (its free.)
Caregiver burnout is serious. If you are in the orange or the red, that requires attention and proactive strategies for prevention and management - scroll to the bottom of the page for more from the Mayo Clinic.
The power of gratitude in combating burnout is priceless for prevention.
By incorporating gratitude practices into your daily routine, you won’t go as deep into the overwhelm, you will be willing to ask for help sooner and tough out hard times more easily. You will prioritize easy and free self-care and strengthen your overall happiness and groundedness. As moms, we can express gratitude for the meaningful moments and the support we receive because there are so many opportunities to do so. And I hope that you always remember that no matter your mindset, you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef
PLease: If you are burned out, especially in red, please tell your partner, or a close friend, or see your doctor.
Sometimes it helps to set up a code word with them - Or if you can’t, make sure to explain to them that “when I am taking naps every day at 2 pm, that’s not normal for me” so they know when to step in and be there for you without you having to ask.
For additional help you can call: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or text HOME to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line
And you can find parenting support here: 1-800-632-8188 - The Parent Stress Line Confidential and Anonymous Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Try these Next:
Here’s the Mayo Clinic’s List of things you can do for Caregiver Burn out since I am not a doctor or a psychologist - Read the full article here:
"The emotional and physical demands involved with caregiving can strain even the most resilient person. That's why it's so important to take advantage of the many resources and tools available to help you provide care for your loved one. Remember, if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for anyone else.
To help manage caregiver stress:
Accept help. Be prepared with a list of ways that others can help you, and let the helper choose what he or she would like to do. For instance, a friend may offer to take the person you care for on a walk a couple of times a week. Or a friend or family member may be able to run an errand, pick up your groceries or cook for you.
Focus on what you are able to provide. It's normal to feel guilty sometimes, but understand that no one is a "perfect" caregiver. Believe that you are doing the best you can and making the best decisions you can at any given time.
Set realistic goals. Break large tasks into smaller steps that you can do one at a time. Prioritize, make lists and establish a daily routine. Begin to say no to requests that are draining, such as hosting holiday meals.
Get connected. Find out about caregiving resources in your community. Many communities have classes specifically about the disease your loved one is facing. Caregiving services such as transportation, meal delivery or housekeeping may be available.
Join a support group. A support group can provide validation and encouragement, as well as problem-solving strategies for difficult situations. People in support groups understand what you may be going through. A support group can also be a good place to create meaningful friendships.
Seek social support. Make an effort to stay well-connected with family and friends who can offer nonjudgmental emotional support. Set aside time each week for connecting, even if it's just a walk with a friend.
Set personal health goals. For example, set goals to establish a good sleep routine, find time to be physically active on most days of the week, eat a healthy diet and drink plenty of water.
Many caregivers have issues with sleeping. Not getting quality sleep over a long period of time can cause health issues. If you have trouble getting a good night's sleep, talk to your doctor.
See your doctor. Get recommended vaccinations and screenings. Make sure to tell your doctor that you're a caregiver. Don't hesitate to mention any concerns or symptoms you have”
Finding the Space to Listen...to Podcasts
Since the beginning of the pandemic, I have relied heavily on everything audio. Somehow the days just stretch ON when you are together 24 hours a day. Download a podcast or two - adding this simple way to care for yourself to your daily routine could be a great way to find a quiet moment or two - almost like informative earplugs!
Since the beginning of the pandemic, I have relied heavily on everything audio. Somehow the days just stretch ON when you are together 24 hours a day. Being an introverted person I enjoy using my headphones as a way to steal back a bit of personal space in my house overflowing with humans and animals demanding my attention. And my kids who love to read and tell stories eat up audiobooks like they are candy.
I’ll let Traci Joy tell you - but if you haven’t added this simple way to care for yourself to your daily routine could be a great way to find a quiet moment or two - almost like informative earplugs! And yes there are a thousand parenting pod-casts out there but is that really what you want to do with your alone time? Traci has a suggestion that is the perfect compromise. - Stef
It’s crazy how many people I know who have never listened to a podcast (my husband for example). I’ve been a podcast junkie (a pod-head, if you will) for over ten years and have even attended live podcasts (2 Dope Queens, How Did This Get Made). I’m not exaggerating when I say that, as a parent, podcasts are a huge part of my self care. I spend all day listening to music with my toddler. Disney songs, Beatles Songs and somewhat child-friendly punk rock, fill every moment of my life when I’m with my three year old. But the second I’m alone it is podcast city. The sound of adult voices talking about adult things immediately dissipates all my mom related tension.
Which is why I never thought I would listen to a “parenting podcast.” It’s the same reason I’ve never read a parenting book; if I have free time I’m going to read or listen to something I actually enjoy, not something that will make me feel bad about my parenting choices. I’d much rather be listening to Keith Morrison talk about murder or Phoebe Robinson fan-girling over Bono than hear Janet Lansbury inform me of all the ways I’m f**king up my kid.
But for the past year I’ve been thoroughly enjoying the relatively new podcast Childish.
Hosted by Alison Rosen and Greg Fitzsimmons, this podcast is more akin to chatting with friends about parenthood than being lectured by a professor of child psychology.
The most interesting part to me is that while Alison has two kids under three, Greg has a son in college and daughter in high school. I’m sure you can imagine the difference in perspective from two people in two very different stages of parenthood. As the mom of a three year old I identify more with Alison but aspire to someday have Greg’s laid back attitude.
Their hilarious episodes cover parenting, relationships, a little financial talk and current events. They answer questions from listeners and share the highs and lows of their weeks. There is no parent shaming, just honest takes on their own journeys. For better or worse they share it all.
this guest post is from Traci Joy Vaughn more info on her social marketing services here.
How to Parent Differently: A Cheatsheet
2020 has tested our collective patience. I don’t think anyone will come out of this year the same as we all went in. Could this be a good time to shake up your parenting then? It’s already a marathon why not make a few tweaks to make the experience a bit more fulfilling - for us.
So you’ve reached your limit with 2020. Things that used to work only worked because you weren’t parenting for 24 endless hours a day. Going to work was actually a break, who knew!? And if you stay home with your kids - school or playdates provided the break, and the structure and the schedule that let you settle comfortably into your household obligations.
2020 has tested our collective patience. I don’t think anyone will come out of this year the same as we all went in. Could this be a good time to shake up your parenting then? It’s already a marathon why not make a few tweaks to make the experience a bit more fulfilling - for us.
Can you even parent differently? Does anyone have the ability to change their parenting style? After this year - you tell me because I am screaming YEEEEESSSSS. And 2020 is the perfect year to start.
I don’t know about you, but wow! am I surprised at the inner reservoirs of my inner reservoirs — they are filled with perseverance and grit, they provide endless pep talks, and they constantly remind me to reach out for support. I have naturally added affirmations like. “We can do hard things” to my lexicon, and “This is a lot for anyone” - no one told me I needed them or that I should start saying nice things, it was just the onslaught on never-ending learning opportunities thrown at me by this year.
So we need a cheat sheet for how to Parent Differently and so here is a list that came solely from my inner (secret) reservoir of perseverance and creativity — the keys to making it through to 2021:
We have got to stop giving ourselves such a hard time. Adopt a self-kindness mantra ASAP. I don’t care if it’s cheesy, let’s be cheesy then. Share it with your kids when you lecture them, write it directly on your walls or your arm find a way to add it to your life. It’s time to stop worrying about whether people will come over and judge you for your mantra post-its - they aren’t coming over, so slap that baby up on the wall and start living it.
Choose yourself first, people. This should have been #1 but we are so hard on ourselves that we don’t know we have the ability to choose ourselves first. We can be happy AND parents at the same time. It starts by owning our moments of sadness, anger, grief and anxiety. Recognizing we need breaks and demanding alone time. Yes, DEMANDING.
Our kids are rockstars at transitions. They may not seem like it when they are whining, but sh*t are they learning more than most of our generation ever had to learn about resiliency and change. These little people will grow up and handle another 2020 like it’s NOTHING and they may even have the emotional capacity to do something about it during. So, I have taken to looking at them in awe and plead with you to join me.
Even as the Titanic sank the band played on because MUSIC, ART, and BEAUTY matter. If I do not put something beautiful into the world on a regular basis I am left cranky and unfulfilled because I am not serving my purpose in this life. I have been gifted creativity and so have you. What’s your “something” that you would offer even as the boat sank? Something that drives you so deeply you would stay and provide it to the world? DO THAT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
Find ways to love your children when they aren’t looking (or talking). I have one child that is a storyteller. Boy, will he take you on that journey with him! But yikes is it complicated and long winded. Then I also have a 12 year old that is not into sharing what’s going on right now, so he needs a bit of coaxing to get going. Either of them at any given moment could be pleading for another new book and just one more hour of screen time (!!), but when they are sleeping they are magically transported back to babyhood. The whining, the back talk, and ungrateful angst disappear and all that remains are their sweet little faces. And that’s when I thank them for being 100% themselves, for pushing me to take better care of myself every single moment, and for unconditional love they gift to me every day.
Go outside. Days pass by as I do the same thing over and over — while stuck in my house with my family. Of course if I didn’t have a schedule I wouldn’t get anything done. But I definitely regret the days that blur by where I didn’t step outside even once. I have a garden that calls to me and requires my presence. If I am not caring for children I am caring for my plants - that is how I have motivated myself to be outside each day. Find your motivation, what makes you tick? Is it chatting with people? Hold happy hour on your front porch each weekday. Is it giving back to people? Set up a food drive in your neighborhood, then go check the drop spots every day. Is it staying fit and active? Your exercise routine has now shifted outside, make it work.
Become actively grateful. Parenting with gratitude changes everything (cheatsheet here). I don’t think anything else has made such a big impact on my daily life except maybe committing to therapy. We HAVE to train our brains to see the good in every day - they don’t do this on their own - they lazy. So grab a pen and write down 10 things every single day, and when you feel like you are in a funk list 3 more in your head, and when you a lying in bed at night and can’t sleep, list 20! Looking over our Yesterday’s helps us to fill our Today’s with satisfaction and joy. We do indeed have enough, even in 2020.
Of course people keep saying - stop blaming it on 2020. Our problems as a society are systematic, and need uprooting from the ground up no matter the year. And that goes for the societal set-up around parenting. We have the pressure to be Insta-worthy all the time, the pressure to do well and succeed in the workplace - and on top of that the “invisible load” of grandparent birthdays and planning socially distanced playdates and the next PTA online fundraiser. No wonder our children are unhappy - because we are unhappy.
So let’s take back our happiness. I demand that we use this 2020 perseverance, that gets us through stressful day after stressful day, to become resilient, happy parents instead. Let’s choose to shake things up - and for me that starts with parenting differently.
The One Thing You Ever Need to Know About Toddler Sleep
This is an unprecedented time for parents. Caring for a baby or toddler non-stop with no breaks, wildfires making the air unbreathable, and kids bouncing off the walls and furniture - I’m with you because, in addition to being a professional nanny, I am a mom too. I wrote the book that helps your toddler go back to sleep at night called The Middle of the Night Book.
this content is an Advertorial
This is an unprecedented time for parents. Caring for a baby or toddler non-stop with no breaks, coworkers who are unsympathetic, wildfires making the air unbreathable, and kids bouncing off the walls and furniture - I’m with you because in addition to being a professional nanny, I am a mom too.
But it’s more than just work/life balance issues at stake either — I’m talking about sleep (or the lack thereof!). There are more sleep issues that children go through than maybe you realize - and they are affecting exhausted parents who are already on the edge.
Toddler tantrums and night time waking are most common from age 1.5 to 2 years when there are enormous developmental leaps occurring. Learning to talk and communicate needs effects their brains tremendously — and physical leaps like learning how to walk, balance, climb and run can take over as their little brains push harder and harder for them to become independent.
They don’t compare toddlers to teenagers for just any old reason. Their little bodies and minds are on overload. And so toddlers wake up in the night sometimes with nightmares, sometimes night terrors and sometimes they are just 💯disoriented.
So they wake up screaming and in a full tantrum, or they may wake-up and refuse to leave your side. Either way, they need your help to learn how to notice their sleepiness and calm down. Joanna Clark, certified Gentle Sleep Coach from Blissful Baby Sleep Coaching, describes the three stages to falling asleep as “self-regulation, self-settling, and self-soothing” and if they can’t get to the self-settling step they won’t go back to sleep easily.
Our jobs as parents to guide them through that first stage of self-regulation and trust that once they are calm they will lean on the self-settling and self-soothing skills they learned as babies.
But how do you do this at 2 am?
Studies have shown time and time again how valuable meditation is for adults and how body scans in particular can lower stress hormones like cortisol. These methods regulate our emotions and also the nervous system as a whole.
A body scan can provide an anchor point for your child to learn the foundational skill called 'body awareness' which will help them to notice their body's sleepiness and down-regulate from wiggles or tantrums.
Just like your bedtime books are a critical part of your bedtime routine, you can rely on a book for the middle of the night too. The Middle of the Night Book is the first bedtime board book to use a body scan meditation to help your child notice their sleepiness.
Based on their age every child needs something different:
Babies need a strong bedtime routine to cue to them that it's time to sleep.
Toddlers need to learn to regulate and calm their bodies so they can access their own self-settling and soothing skills learned as babies.
So be prepared to help your toddler with their 3 AM “back to sleep” routine before you’re too tired to think and preorder your copy of The Middle of the Night Book today.
Stef Tousignant is a professional nanny and author of The Middle of the Night Book who lives in the Bay Area, you can order on her book here.
Is sleep the answer to all of life's problems?
Sleep techniques that will put you and your kids of all ages back to sleep - quick!
I’ve learned that even once your babies grow up you will still wake up in the middle of the night.
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news.😟
Anxiety, general restlessness, too hot, too cold, the cat steps on your head, a child wets the bed - a full night of sleep is an amazing gift at best.
So over the years I have developed a list of techniques I turn to in the middle of the night:
Deep Belly Breathing
The Countdown
A Simple Body Scan
I go into more detail in this video - give it a watch! I also talk about how you can adjust each one of these techniques to work for kids aged 2 to 18.
When it comes to babies and toddlers, however — I wrote the book!
It’s called The Middle of the Night Book and will become a go-to-sleep tool to help you and your baby get back to sleep.
Throughout my 20+ year career, as a professional nanny, I have rocked 100's of babies to sleep and I know when you remain calm and confident, your baby stays calm and cries less. This amazing book offers a new option for parents when they are needed by their baby.
I hope that it can act as a bridge between the "cry it out" and "pass out in the crib" methods parents struggle with, and sleep consultants agree.
Kelly Thompson, a certified pediatric sleep consultant adds her praise for The Middle of the Night Book:
"When you have a tool to turn to, you can achieve what we call 'co-regulation' or the lowering both of your levels of stress and anxiety."
The Middle of the Night Book takes you and your child on a journey guided by the moon, using a soothing rhythm and dark, tranquil colors. The moon sends down a moonbeam that guides you through a basic body scan meditation, gently bringing your baby out of "fight or flight" and into their body and the present moment.
The book is in the final stages of production and ready for pre-order! Early bird discounts and signed copies will be available for a limited time — order your copy here today and let's all get some sleep.