Blank Memories: Embracing Unforgettable Moments

Have you heard about the Taylor Swift concert amnesia that's been going around? It's pretty wild! You spend way more than you should on ticket and are so excited for what everyone is calling a once-in-a-lifetime experience. You're expecting to remember this forever, but when you finally get home, you realize you can't remember a single thing. Can you believe it? You invested your time, money, and energy into this experience, and now it feels like a blur — OMG.

Psychologists are saying this post-concert amnesia is quite normal. It happens when we go through intense experiences filled with heightened emotions. And you know what? It got me thinking about something a bit hazy in my own memory: the newborn weeks. Remember those? But really — how much of it do you really remember? I find it fascinating to compare the two because, like with the concerts, the newborn years were a rollercoaster of emotions. It was a whirlwind, from stress and exhaustion to moments of pure euphoria and gratitude.

Now, I wish we could go through the newborn years multiple times, like attending different concerts (do I?). But here's the thing: we can apply something from the concert experience to help us cherish those intense moments in parenthood. Studies have shown that accumulating stuff doesn't bring us lasting happiness. It's the experiences that truly enrich our lives. And you know what's amazing about experiences? It's not just about the moment itself; it's also about the anticipation and the memories we create.

Let me share something I learned from Dr. Laurie Santos, a cognitive scientist and researcher on happiness. She explains that experiences bring us joy because we savor them before and after they happen. It's like having a delicious appetizer and a satisfying dessert surrounding the main course of the experience. We look forward to the event, talk about it with excitement, and plan what we'll wear, who we'll go with, and what songs might be played - that’s the pre-savoring. And afterward, we relish in the memories, sharing stories and discoveries we made during that time - that’s the post-savoring.

So, when I think about the Taylor Swift concert amnesia or even the hazy memories from my newborn’s first months, I realize it's not about recalling every little detail. It's about treasuring the entire journey. Sure, you may not remember the exact songs Taylor Swift performed but think about all the moments leading up to the concert. The anticipation, the conversations with friends, and the excitement of picking out your outfit. Those are the moments that matter.

And yes, when it comes to the newborn years, we may forget some specifics, but we remember the love, the tiny outfits, and the feeling of our little ones moving inside us. It's the pre-savoring and post-savoring that truly make an experience meaningful.

If you want to dive deeper into the practice of deliberate savoring as a form of gratitude, I highly recommend checking out this link. You can also listen to the podcast episode on savoring to explore how it can enhance your well-being.

So, Mama, remember that it's the journey that counts, whether you're attending a graduation, visiting Disneyland with your family, or simply cherishing the everyday moments of parenthood. Embrace the pre-savoring, savor the experience itself, and relish in the memories afterward. That's where true well-being is. And even if you forget some of it all, you are still a GoodAF Mom - Stef

Controlled by Mom Guilt

The Overwhelming Weight of Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt takes control of our thoughts and emotions, making us feel like we can never measure up as mothers. It fills us with self-doubt, comparisons, and an unending cycle of questioning our every decision. But what if there was a way to break free from the suffocating grip of Mom Guilt? I’m going to share how a gratitude practice can help you regain control over your inner dialogue, shift your perspectives, and enjoy motherhood's imperfect journey—because that’s what it did for me.

the True Effects of Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt manifests in various ways, leaving us feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, and constantly striving for unattainable perfection. It tricks us into believing that we can never get it right, that we're failing our kids, and that parenting is an unwinnable battle. The constant inner dialogue of what we could have done differently haunts our alone time, while other moms' seeming happiness and success add to our guilt.

Navigating Society's Expectations: The Battle Against Mom Guilt

Society's unfair expectations, lack of social support, partners who don't fully understand the demands of parenting, and family members' selective memories of their own experiences all contribute to the overwhelming burden of Mom Guilt.

Add to that, the pervasive nature of social media and influencer culture fuels our comparisons and self-doubt, making our guilt and feelings of inadequacy louder.

Moments that Trigger Mom Guilt: Learning from Mistakes

Mom Guilt strikes during moments of frustration, mistakes, and when we just don’t feel good enough. Whether it's losing our temper, trying a new parenting trick that doesn't work, observing other kids' different behaviors, or simply feeling too exhausted to meet every demand, Mom Guilt sneaks in, intensifying our negative emotions. Have you ever fantasized about getting sick solely for the sake of a break? Yeah, me too, which further fueled my guilt.

The Burden of Mom Guilt: Untangling Guilt and Shame

Carrying the weight of Mom Guilt wears us down. It messes with our emotional well-being. Guilt and shame become entangled, causing us to constantly second-guess ourselves and our behavior. We’re super hard on ourselves, we lose perspective and forget self-compassion!

Bedtime becomes a time of reflection filled with a highlight real of negative thoughts, which let’s face it, we actively avoid by scrolling on our phones or turning to coping mechanisms like drinking or online shopping (been there.)

From Guilt to Gratitude: Transforming your Motherhood

Embracing gratitude is the key to regaining control over our thoughts and freeing ourselves from the rumination of Mom Guilt. When we practice gratitude, our perspective widens, allowing us to see beyond our mistakes and focus on the good in our lives. It helps us appreciate the help and love we receive from other people, recognizing they matter to our lives. We can find moments of joy and contentment by slowing down and choosing our mindset, even when things don't go perfectly. Gratitude reminds us that this all is a precious gift, and even our imperfect parenting is worthy of appreciation.

Reclaiming Control: Practicing Gratitude for Mom Well-Being

We can overcome Mom Guilt and embrace gratitude with a few practical ideas! Instead of striving for perfection, we can adopt a mantra that embraces motherhood as a learning process: "I'm new at this. I don't have to be perfect to be a good mom."

Practicing gratitude one day a week or writing a thank you letter to ourselves each month can help us cultivate a deeper sense of appreciation and self-love. And we can incorporate self-compassion practices into our day - maybe at bedtime? This will allow us to offer kindness and understanding to ourselves.

If you are looking for a gratitude practice that feels just right for you, try my 10-week “How To” email series, where you will be introduced to a new practice each week. And never forget you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

p.s. It never hurts to be mindful of our coping mechanisms and try to actively replace negative habits with positive ones, such as unfollowing accounts of people who run us the wrong way or make us feel that familiar ugh I want my life to be like that feeling or drinking a bubbly water before our glass of wine, or saving our scrolling for nap time and read before bed instead. If you want to work on these and more I would suggest the book Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg.

Avoiding Summer Burnout

A blog post for Type A moms.

this is a repost I do each year in June (I wrote this in 2022).

Are you a planner? Do you plan mainly to avoid future conflict, complaining, arguments, and your own yelling? Well, if you do, welcome to the Type A mom club - I’m the president.

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A post shared by Parent Differently with Gratitude (@parent_differently)

Simplify Summer Planning: The Ultimate Bucket List and Routine Guide for Type-A Moms

I have two kids (11 and 14) and what I have learned over a decade of parenting is: summers can suck - mainly, the life out of you. When you are a Type A mom you tend to have an inner critic who will not let you rest, and the summer can be a nightmare. Planning, keeping busy, and making sure to avoid those nasty summer words….”Mom…I’m bored!” = I’m exhausted by day 5.

Even though I am a writer, I typically go full SAHM in the summer — but not without a schedule — enter my trusty planning sheets and checklists — and lists of lists!

On the walls of the kitchen, I post the daily schedule, lists of things to do outside, one with the apps they are allowed to play and things to do when they are bored, and on and on we go.

Creating a Summer Schedule: Balancing Fun and Self-Care for Type-A Moms

And this works for our family. My kids are used to it, and the predictability of routine emotionally regulates me. The issue is…for many years, I forget to include myself in all the planning. Of course, we had fun — kids are fun in the summer — but I didn’t do the things I wanted to do, like go to the farmer’s market or to a tag sale or two, and I would end the summer with regrets.

And so I stopped doing that! For the past few years, I have printed out all our planning sheets and filled them out TOO. After all, I definitely have a summer bucket list. There are things that I want to do each week that are non-negotiables (I’m looking at you, froyo), and there are daily routines that are important to me.

This is how I plan our summers

Download the planning sheet here. The whole family fills out individual sheets — and my husband (since he works full time) fills out just the Bucket List section, which makes for some fun weekends.

1. List your Bucket List items.

2. List your weekly fun ideas.

3. List your daily non-negotiables

Next, organize the information. Your kids are going to come up with insane ideas on these planning sheets - that’s ok! What you want to do is look for similar themes among the insanity. Maybe everyone wants to do some water play every week - fine, it doesn’t have to be the pool or beach, but water play becomes a weekly theme.

The Bucket List gets a good look over, and then the reasonable and achievable things go onto one master list that you can print and hang up.

The Weekly Ideas go onto a weekly routine sheet or straight onto your digital calendar - Wednesdays are pool days, and Fridays are Froyo.

Then I make a daily schedule with the remaining non-negotiables - and this is where taking care of yourself comes in.

Screen Time vs. Me Time: Crafting a Daily Schedule that Works for Type-A Moms

My kids always want millions of hours of screen time - they’re preteens, I get it. I want Alone Time, Meditation Time, Journaling Time, and Writing Time - these are my things - you have your things. These two “wants” — screen time and my time — actually coincide. And so when you make your daily schedule - screen time is not cleaning time; it’s your time. Maybe they have 30 minutes to watch TV in the morning - that means you can journal or walk outside for 30 minutes.

Another non-negotiable for me during the summer is reading/downtime after big outings. And kids need this too. I always include 60 minutes of independent bedroom quiet time on my daily schedule. Even for kids that are 3 or 5 years old, you can shrink that down to 30 or 40 minutes, but everyone gets a break from one another to recharge and rest — for the good of our sanity.

Summer Cleaning Hacks: Lowering Expectations and Teaching Kids Responsibility

Then there’s the cleaning. Well, during the summer:

1. I lower my expectations

2. I use this time to teach my kids how to clean.

I am not going to use up precious screen time cleaning up clutter or emptying the dishwasher or the beach bag. I’d much rather do that while my kids are outside or playing together in the next room - or even better - clean when my partner gets home and let him take on the evening’s entertainment.

Making the Most of Summer Break = Balance Family Activities and Personal Interests

Summer Break is not a break - but it can be fun if you do the things you like to do too. So make sure you are included in the planning - and the photos too!

If you don’t hear from me for a while, it’s because I am hitting the farmer’s market and making my own jam. - Stef

Cracking the Gratitude Code: A No-BS Guide for Type-A Moms

The Gratitude Paradox

Are you tired of starting something new, like a gratitude practice, but never sticking with it? OK, whether you identify as a Type A Mom or not, this blog post is for you. So, you've decided to jump on the gratitude train. You grabbed a cute journal, had one good day of using it, and then life happened. Sound familiar? Don't worry because today, we are tackling the wild world of motivation.

Motivation: The Real Deal

“There are really three key questions in terms of the intrinsic values in how we go about the process of going about accomplishing things.

One - Do we make efforts, sincere efforts along the way? Do we wake up, do we do a good day's worth of work, or are we kind of slackers, procrastinators, and we just don't work very hard at it? Do you make real efforts?

Second - Do you bring your whole heart to it? Are you good-hearted about it? Are you trying to make something better rather than worse? Do you come from love deep down inside or something close to it? Good-heartedness.

And third - Do you learn along the way? Do you have a learning curve? Do you grow from your mistakes? Do you grow from your successes?”

- Dr. Rick Hanson from the Being Well podcast

When it comes to motivation, there are two types: intrinsic and extrinsic.

Intrinsic motivation is all about your own deep desires and beliefs. You know, that fire 🔥 in your belly that gets you going. On the other hand, extrinsic motivation is the stuff that comes from outside—rewards, praise, cultural expectations, your mom on the phone 😂. As your friendly gratitude-whisperer, I'm here to help with the paradox of wanting to start but losing your motivation. And the first way to do this is to check and make sure it's your fire in YOUR belly, not mine or your mom’s or some cookie-cutter version of “wellness” that brings you to the practice of thankfulness and appreciation.

Unveiling the Gratitude Equation

On this blog, I talk a lot about unlocking the power of a daily gratitude practice. I’ve seen the magic, it can work, and I want to offer you a bunch of ways to try it out — so that you can make it a habit too. But here's the deal: I can’t preach at you or tell you what you "should" do. You gotta want this for yourself and believe you are good enough to make the investment in. If you believe that you are truly GoodAF, taking the next steps will be much easier, especially if they don’t go the way you planned.

And that uncertainty is why I offer you an equation you can customize for this new method: The Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation: Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

Closing the Gap: Intention vs. Action

Let's address another elephant in the room—the Intention-Action Gap. This is where our well-intentioned plans (hopefully intrinsically motivated) collide with reality, and boy, can it be a bumpy ride. So, you've got all the right motivations and intentions…but following through? 😬 That’s where we can get lost. Trust me, there's a mountain of books on how to learn a new habit. We're gonna revamp your gratitude game and close the Intention Action Gap simply by reminding ourselves what gratitude in action feels like.

Dusting Off the Gratitude Archives

Get ready to dig deep into the vault. It's time to resurrect those old gratitude lists and reminisce about the good ol' days. Whether you've filled ten journals or scribbled a couple of entries in the past three months, it doesn't matter. We're gonna make it work. And here's a secret—I don't remember half the stuff I've written either. It's like uncovering buried treasure, I tell ya! Once you have your old journals or maybe a gratitude letter you never sent in hand, we are ready.

Reignite the Spark: Reflecting on Past Gratitude

Grab a pen and paper, mama. We're diving into some serious—but simple—reflection here. Take five minutes to soak in those words you wrote. Remember our savoring practice? Use it like a pro. Write down why you're doing this gratitude thing for yourself. How do you feel when you read your old appreciation? Get descriptive, get cheesy, and get real. And while you're at it, picture that GoodAF mom staring back at you from the pages.

Building Your Bridge to Consistency

Alright, now we're cooking. Now use the equation and fill it in. With your intentions, attention, and all those feelings in mind, you're ready to bridge that Intention-Action Gap. You've got the potential for gratitude brewing inside you, and it's time to find the practice that fits your current mom chapter. Head over to the Practice Hub here (or tap that hamburger icon on your phone), and explore your next steps. -Stef

Understanding Parenting Self-Doubt with Dr. Laura Froyen

podcast Gues

Dr.Laura Froyen

Mom, Child Development Expert, POdcaster

Are you struggling with negative thoughts that take a toll on your mental health as a mother?

Laura and I discuss simple ways to gain valuable space from habitual, obsessive, and intrusive thoughts (listen to the full episode below). We suffer from all types of different thinking patterns as humans. And when you are under the stress of parenthood, these patterns can swing more to the negative than they may have in the past.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

OUR QUESTION TODAY WAS THE FOLLOWING:

Why am I always failing My Children?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation…

Sometimes our thoughts can seem true - maybe like: our kid's behavior reflects how “good” or “bad” of a parent we may be. Read more below as we talk about temperament, personality, and our innocent search for worthiness within our children’s childhoods.

I shared with Laura that I had recently had a tough morning that ended in a Mom Trantrum (I wrote more about it here), and the only thing that I could think of for the next day or so is, Why am I failing them!? It was such a believable thought because my children’s behavior was bad; therefore, I was bad or failing them somehow, like there was proof of my failure in their horrible behavior.

Dr.Laura: We think (our habitual bad mom thoughts) are supported. We look at our kids behavior and take it as evidence that supports our negative or disordered thinking. Absolutely yeah. Okay so first of all I just want to send you a little bit of love and compassion to you. I mean I think we've all had those moments and I don't think you can do this work of trying to parent differently without having that fear be there. It's there because if it wasn't this wouldn't matter so much to us. Taking that as evidence you could also take the fact that thought is there as evidence that you actually do care and you're actually doing something right.

I also think it's really important that when those thoughts come out, those are deeply vulnerable thoughts and for me when I would have had thoughts like that in the past and expressed sadness a pain or worry to my parents I would have gotten dismissed as a young child and so I find that it's really important for me now as an adult when those vulnerable thoughts and worries come up that I don't perpetuate that dismissal on myself.

So how do we separate our parenting outcomes and our child’s behavior? They seem so intertwined.

Dr.Laura: We do use our kids’ behavior as evidence for our success in parenting and it's one of the biggest mistakes that you can make. One thing that can be really helpful when it comes to restructuring and reorganizing thoughts is to think about the validity of the evidence that we're using to support them. It’s so important to remember that just like for us, the knowing of the right thing to do and the being able to do the right thing are two separate things. They're paralleled like train tracks. They don't necessarily intersect. They run next to each other.

The same is true for kids and so all of our parenting for the most part is teaching your children how to know what the right thing to do is — but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're always going to be able to do the right thing because behavior is not just driven by what they know. Behavior is driven by impulses by executive functioning, cognitive and brain development. There's so much that goes into a child's behavior at any given moment: Have they eaten? Did they sleep, or did they have a bad dream? Did they get in a fight with a friend? You know, or all those things combined — just like they do for us and so using our kids behavior at a birthday party to mean something about our parenting, there's a big disconnect there.

I see the disconnect because I have two children with two different personalities, and although sometimes they do act similarly they are their own people. And even though they are growing up in the same house with the same parents, they don’t act the same. Their behavior is different.

Dr.Laura: And they were also born with a temperament and have a personality that's theirs - and you do too. There’s something called Goodness of Fit at play as well here. There will be greater harmony between parents and children when either those temperaments are a natural fit for each other or the parent is able to see the child's temperament and make adjustments, to kind of support them. So that ‘goodness of fit’ piece is there and then acknowledging that there will be children and parents who have temperaments for whom they are is there's rubbing there's they don't necessarily rub along smoothly next to each other and and that is also important to recognize.

That doesn't mean the child doesn't love you. This doesn't mean the parent doesn't love the child. All this means is “hey you know what we kind of butt heads with each other” by the roll of the genetic dice.

We have to take some of the importance of our “role” out of the equation. Yes, we are very important to our children, but in the end, whether they grow up to be wonderful people or not is not totally up to us. Dr.Laura also suggested that if you are interested in this topic, the book The Gardner and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik is top-notch.

SOME OTHER TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION:

• If you are interested in these ideas and curious about learning more, this part of psychology is called Cognitive Behavioral Theory.

• Intrusive thoughts can be normal for many people, but if you just had a baby and feel like it’s more than that, here’s an article that I wrote with Dr.Laura about PostPartum Anxiety and what to look for in those first few months: Postpartum Anxiety Quiz: Better Understand Your Symptoms

• Gain distance from habitual or obsessive thoughts by writing them down. Laura keeps what she calls a “Rage Journal.” Doing this can help you see what is most important about the thoughts and what they are trying to tell you — and how irrational they can sometimes be!

Find out more about Dr.Laura Froyen on her website, laurafroyen.com, and she will send you a free self-compassion exercise to try with your family.

Make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

Listen to the Full Episode Here:

Parenting Differently: Choosing a Grateful Life

As we grow older, certain things become important in our lives - fulfilling even. Personally, that involves noticing my inner goodness and helping other parents go from surviving to thriving. I believe that happiness comes from within and helping others at the same time. I also believe that positive emotions can impact our emotional well-being and physical health, and gratitude is the gateway to so much more in life.

The Benefits of Gratitude for Parents

That’s why I encourage everyone to start some sort of daily gratitude practice. Because it’s a simple way to rewire our brains away from their strong focus on the negative — and my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation can help. Relying on the results of years of research in behavioral psychology and positive psychology, we can become attuned to our GoodAF Mom intention and how we will achieve it. The equation acts as a road map and it helps you to customize your inner work and make it achievable for what you want out of life.

It’s time to shift our intention from becoming the perfect parent and start becoming our very own best friend instead.

I am imperfect, and I have my own baggage that travels wherever I go. However, I’ve learned that my baggage helps me help others. And even though they can’t know my past my children are still my most valuable teachers. As a caregiver, when I had my own children, things went haywire for me emotionally, and I had many “enough is enough” moments where I didn’t know what to do next. I learned everything about children and their development so I could bring empathy and understanding to my parenting, which was lacking. While I learned a lot from books and professional experience, I couldn’t improve my experience at home with my kids. I grew up with a mother who was a teacher, and my experience was “praised in the classroom, crazed in the family home.” It’s hard to escape the fact that we are all a product of our childhoods, one way or another.

Parent Differently with Gratitude

However, I don’t believe parenting differently is simply doing the opposite or the same as our parents. That’s still reacting. We can choose to do things differently, and my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation can help. Gratitude is the gateway to so much more in life, and it’s time to rewire our brains. It’s about acknowledging what’s inside us, our true goodness. It’s about noticing the good all around us, the things we do that are kind and loving as parents and partners, and all the people who love and support us.

Let’s customize our inner work and make it achievable. It’s about what you want out of life. It’s time to shift our intention from becoming the perfect parent to becoming our very own best friend.

What to read next:

How to Start Parenting with Gratitude™

So you are wondering if this gratitude thing will work for you.

Parents have been told to “be grateful” enough times by now. So you must be asking yourself — why do you have a blog that focuses on this?

Well, my goal is not to tell you to be grateful but to teach you how to look within and discover your own motivations. The ones that drove you to find my website, and the ones that drive your desire for more to life than festering in Mom Guilt. Maybe you are ready to stop skipping over the good on your way to the bad.

Those motivations are the ingredients of an intention. However, an intention is not quite enough to change our behavior so that we can reach our goals. We need to adjust our mindset, notice our habits, find new ways of doing things then repeat it all.

According to Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, the phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. We must do it repeatedly, change our conditioned ways, and have commitment devices to support us.

When you need a new parenting plan

I have been at this for a while. I am not only a former professional nanny with two decades of experience but also a mom and a gratitude nerd. Once I determined that my own intention was to become a happier human (after saying F-U to trying to be perfect), I began to study the aspects of positive psychology that supported my self-inquiry. And along the way, I developed a method that I called Parenting with Gratitude™ and with it an equation that helps any mom try it on for size.

This method acts as a commitment device. Dr. Santos referenced it. Behavioral scientists define a commitment device is a strategy that engages self-regulation and accountability. It’s a formula to make our goals achievable and customized just for us.

The Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation

Ok, so here’s my Parenting with Gratitude™ equation:

INTENTION + ATTENTION + ACTION + REPETITION = RESULTS YOU CAN SEE AND FEEL.

Now you can watch the short video about the steps or read more about each one below. If you want to take it slow, sign up for my 10-week email series. It’s free and goes through each level of the method with an action you can try.

The Importance of Intention

How motivated are you to change? Well, there's intrinsic motivation which is determined by your own desires and beliefs, and extrinsic motivation, inspired by external expectations, rewards, and praise. 

It’s important to point this out, being in my position. I am the one who may be extrinsically motivating you, which is not my intention but also a consequence of my position. I’m the one who wants to share a new way to tackle an old problem – that parenting feels like a neverending assault on your psyche.

Defining your intention is important to finding your intrinsic motivation. You can ask yourself: What do I want out of motherhood? Or What do I want out of the next 10 years? Another awesome writer on gratitude, Alex Elle, says to ask yourself this question: I am healing because I need/want/… or I am healing because I love/I choose…. etc.

Five years ago, when I looked, my intention was to be a perfect mom. That wasn’t working out so well, so at first, I lessened that to becoming a “better” parent — and then a few years later, my intention became “I intend to be a happy human and to be kind,” and five years later that one is still stuck.

If you aren’t sure, let’s start by saying that you are not a “Bad Mom” just because you make mistakes. We are GoodAF Moms who can learn from our mistakes. And so you’re intention could be to be a mom who makes mistakes - to be an imperfect parent. Find an intention statement that works for you, and allow it to grow and shape over time.

Directing Attention inward

OK, I could spend an entire article talking about paying attention to ourselves, and I have. Here I will say that this piece of the equation is vital for one big reason — if you aren’t paying attention to yourself and how you think, feel, and behave, you will miss out on your most valuable asset: your inner goodness. You are worthy of this path — you are a GoodAF Mom. I can tell you that, but it won’t matter until you believe it yourself.

Our attention piece is a way to include noticing or mindfulness in our journey. This is not a fixing quest but a deliberate turning of our attention. From the demands and world literally crying out for us to our inner lives. Our inner world of goodness already exists. You are already a GoodAF mom. No, you are. I know you are because you are concerned and willing to fix yourself to improve this whole thing, motherhood. Except you don’t need fixing, you need self-love and attention, Mama, and you’ve got you.

Taking Action with Gratitude

The practice of gratitude can be as simple as making a list each day, but if that worked for everybody, we would all be making lists. I know from talking to hundreds of moms that each chapter of motherhood is different. We have moments to catch our breath or moments where we can’t. And then there are our learning styles, everyone learns differently, and gratefulness is a learned skill. So the action part of the Parenting with Gratitude™ equation may shift and change over time depending on time constraints and your interest level.

The practices I suggest on this blog are located in the Practice Hub, and they include a mixture of solo practices and some that you can even try with your kids. I never suggest practices you can’t add to your life or feel like a major time suck. You can read about them in blog form, listen to the practices in an audio series, or sign up for one practice to be sent to your email weekly.

The practice of gratitude compounds over time. The more you look, the more things you will find to be grateful for. And so taking daily action is key to this new plan - more on that below.

“Gratitude is fertilizer for the mind, spreading connections and improving its function in nearly every realm of experience.”
― Robert Emmons Ph.D, The Little Book of Gratitude

The Power of ReptiTion

We are asking our brains to create new neural pathways (thankfully reinforced by the release of dopamine and serotonin that gratitude induces). However, still, it takes a lot of work to train a developed brain, and it takes finding an action you can easily repeat. Because without repetition, you get benefits, but they don’t last.

It’s like working out: If you want results, you need to stick with it. You aren’t going to improve your heart health with a week of gym workouts - it’s more likely that an overall lifestyle change of consistent exercise, healthy eating, more water, and fewer determinantal choices will make the difference. It’s the same with gratitude.

I’ll be honest, researchers are mixed on whether you should practice gratitude daily or weekly. The main reason I stand by a daily practice as the most impactful way to practice gratitude for parents is that the real secret is…I know you're not going to do it every day. Catastrophes happen every other day if you have kids — and the gratitude practice will be the first thing to go. I know it because it happens to me too. However, I practice five days a week these days, and that feels like enough. You will find what works for you.

“We can accumulate a greater sense of self-worth by appreciating our accomplishments and the results we achieve in the world, and through the repeated internalization of recognizing our own accomplishments, and feeling successful in inappropriate ways as a result, as well as internalizing the appreciation of others, acknowledgments of others, the friendliness of others, the lovingness of others, all of which affirm our worth as a being.” - Rick Hanson on Being Well.

Results you can see and feel

Think of the first time you were grateful for your parenting life or motherhood. How did it make you feel? How did this feeling show up in your body?

Write it down. These are results that you can see and feel, and they are powerful motivators. And when you are just starting out, it’s nice to know what you are working towards. These results can be the positive reinforcement to keep going, and they may even be what allows you to truly feel all the qualities of being a GoodAF Mom.

Of course, along the way, other things begin to happen. Over the past five years, I have become a more positive-minded person. I have the patience that I have always craved, I notice before I get mad, and I have stopped trying to fix the people in my life and accept them as they come - myself included.

This is the STATE of GRACE we are striving for. Our whole being lives there, body, soul, mind, reactions, Inner Critic - everybody comes for the ride. And it’s imperfect. I don’t always feel these things, but I sure do notice the results more often than not. And feeling like a GoodAF Mom? Well, that is a way of life now. Because good enough in my book is GoodAF.

Finally, how can you stay accountable to your Parenting with Gratitude™ Equation?

I want to stress that science supports belonging to a community that can assist in maintaining motivation and your commitment device – to help you build that sense of inner resolve. And so I want to invite you to RSVP for the Gratitude Circle - we meet the last Wednesday of every month online, and it's totally free. And we talk about this stuff: why we can’t get over the hump and practice. We take time to reflect on our past month's gratitude and savor the associated feelings — and the Circle acts as a source of social support, and an accountability partner.

I hope to see you there. And don’t ever forget — you are a GoodAF mom - Stef

What to do next:

Listen to the Podcast:

The Imperfect Parenting Guide

It’s not shocking to hear that raising children has become increasingly complex and demanding - that raising children is actually different than it used to be.

The “Intensive Parenting” approach, also known as helicopter or snow plow parenting, is now the US's most widely accepted parenting style. While it is true that this parenting style has some good aspects, it is also causing burnout among us — Moms, primary caregivers, and mostly women!

I want to lay out the five basic beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style so you know what they are and then explore just how I think we can lighten the load, ok?

1) Parenting is best done by mothers. 

2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing 

3) It is naturally time intensive to care for a child properly 

4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development 

5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.  

Intensive Parenting is based on the hypothesis that good parenting will result in good children and healthy, well-adjusted adults. According to this approach, parenting is best done by mothers who seek out expert support for proper child-rearing. Caring for a child properly is naturally time-intensive and expensive. In addition, children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred. The tools of Intensive Parenting boil down to parental modeling, support, encouragement, and oversight — a lot of things we talk about on this blog in fact!

While some of these principles may seem appealing, placing the burden of raising healthy children on one parent is a recipe for burnout, anxiety, depression, and despair. Plus, this approach leaves out the influence of culture and the media, the importance of peers to children before they turn 12, and non-shared environments such as school and daycare. These factors heavily influence a child's development, as does the genetic code they inherit from their extended families and cultures of origin.

Just like it was not 100% my parents’ fault I am in therapy, it’s not going to be 100% your fault if your child ends up flawed. When we place the burden of raising healthy and well-adjusted children on one parent, we give mothers a mandate to be perfect, to not mess up. And that just isn’t possible. The complexity of modern parenting can’t withstand a perfect approach. And so this broken approach fails us - and our kids.

The solution to this problem is not simple, but there are things we can do to alleviate the burden of parenting. For me, it’s to step into the idea that I can’t be and won’t be a perfect parent. And in turn, embracing the idea of being an Imperfect Parent has lightened my load. Instead of trying to control the outcome completely, I get to focus on what makes me and my children happy.

Being an imperfect parent means you don’t have to follow or subscribe to cultural expectations of what “good parenting” may look like. If you hate decorating for the holidays, dial it back. If you don't like fighting with your child while teaching them how to tie their shoes, buy slip-ons. If learning to ride a bike is a nightmare, take a break. Eliminate after-school and weekend enrichment classes if they leave you feeling overwhelmed and burned out.

It is important to acknowledge that parenting is a learning process that involves making mistakes along the way — it was a messy, imperfect experience in the past, and it still is today.

We can’t let the culture tempt us into thinking that we must always be perfect parents. Mothers should not bear the burden of parenting alone. Fathers, grandparents, and other family members can all play a role in supporting the well-being of children. Even we moms should take a minute to examine our unconscious biases and avoid perpetuating stereotypes about gender roles in parenting — because I have certainly (and unknowingly) fallen prey to that thought pattern myself. More about that here.

Intensive Parenting is a style that can benefit our children, but not if you lose yourself and your sanity at its expense. Our children deserve whole, fully functioning, self-compassionate caregivers. Let’s lighten the load by embracing being an Imperfect Parent and focusing on what makes us and our children happy. We should also examine our biases and avoid the “forget it, I will do it” vibe many of us were modeled. By working together and supporting one another, we can raise children who will grow up to be whoever they are meant to be, but we will do it without sacrificing our identity and mental health. Stick with the practices, Mama - because you are already GoodAF and now its time to stop fixing yourself and notice instead. - Stef

Gratitude Practice: Off the Hook

It has been a rough week here at my house. My children have been waking up in the middle of the night and now they are sleep deprived, and so I am. I can’t seem to keep myself together. I fly off the handle at the smallest spat between my sons, I am impatient and yell. My oldest is holding it together pretty well (gosh, I am grateful for emotional maturity), but my youngest and I step into the ring together ready to fight – at least once a day – and it’s tiresome.

In addition to these new/old issues, the ever-present Invisible Load and intense cultural expectations of parenting have got me burned out. Intensive Parenting is what sociologists and psychologists are now calling overly involved parenting, and they have declared it to be the most widely accepted parenting style in the US.

And so while I don’t want to paint this new style as a bad thing (there are many aspects of this type of parenting that are really, really good for our kids), I think we should get to know it a little better, ok? I’ll lay out the “Intensive Parenting” pillars for you, and you can tell me which ones feel familiar to you and which may make you say ‘ick’.

So the five basic beliefs included in the Intensive Parenting style are:

1) Parenting is best done by mothers. 

2) Parents should seek out expert support for proper child rearing 

3) It is naturally time intensive to care for a child properly 

4) It is expensive to provide the things the child will need for proper development 

5) Children are inherently good, innocent, and sacred.  

And in addition to those basics – Intensive Parenting’s hypothesis seems attractive. The thesis goes: (if practiced properly) “good” parenting should result in “good” kids (and healthy, well-adjusted adults even), and therefore a parent’s role and the family environment is the most important factor in the development of children under the age of 12 years old. 

How does this all work? Well, the tools of Intensive Parenting boil down to many things we talk about on this blog:

Interested in what to do instead of Intensive Parenting? Watch this video.

• parental modeling, 

• parental support, 

• encouragement and oversight 

So what do you think? Maybe the vibe feels good or normal. For me, “children are inherently good " feels like a no-brainer. But then, I have a knee-jerk reaction to mothers only being good parents because fathers are great parents too. The theory and style’s name throws me off too: “Intensive Parenting” — like our whole focus needs to be on parenting and doing it “right” and “well” and, dare I say it even…perfectly? 

This parenting style leaves out how influential culture and the media are, that peers are important to children way before they turn 12, and non-shared environments like school and daycare and the relationships our children form there factor heavily into the development of a child — not to mention the genetic code they inherit from our extended families and cultures of origin.

Of course, how we treat our children matters. What boundaries we lay out, environments we offer, and the battles we choose to prioritize — these things matter. But when you place the entire burden of a healthy and well-child on a single parent i.e., the primary caregiver - you end up in the mess we are in right now; burnout, anxiety, depression and despair.

Let’s look at it from our government’s point of view: If it’s all the fault of one parent, then policies don’t need to support parents because it’s not the fault of the culture – and with mothers who are burned out, well “they are lazy and should do better”.

This is a problem for primary caregivers. This is a problem mainly for women. 

I am not going to solve this in one blog post. However, I am going to share how I deal with it all, and how I have learned to lighten up my load. 

The Practice:

When I realized that I could no longer parent with the intensity required – I knew there would be consequences. I had to figure out how to get by in a world that was determined to call me a “bad mother” for not choosing that level of involvement in my kids’ lives. And so I accepted that part of this new learning process of parenting differently was to figure sh$t out and make mistakes along the way – and I adopted the mantra of wanting to be an Imperfect Parent. 

Then I started to look at what made me happy and unhappy when interacting with my kids. I hated decorating my house for the holidays, so I dialed it back. I didn’t like fighting with my 5-year-old while teaching him how to tie his shoes, so I bought slip-ons. Learning to ride a bike was a nightmare, so we stopped doing that. When I sat down at the end of the day and felt wreaked because I hadn’t caught my breath, we cut out all after-school and weekend enrichment classes.

And things let up. They really did. And I’m grateful for that. 

But there was a catch, and it had to do with an unconscious bias I had – remember the biggest thing on that list of intense parenting values that I did not agree with? That mothers best do parenting?

Well… under my own nose, I had been doing just that. I would go grocery shopping by myself and feel guilty for browsing too long, or I would go to coffee with a friend and bring my child along. It felt better knowing that I was handling my kids and knew what was happening with them. But in a way, I was saying, without saying it, that I knew best – and by doing this, by isolating my partner from any of the “hard” parts of parenting, I was robbing him of the chance to grow. To learn on the job and to make mistakes.

And I was saying Mothers know best.

We make an already hard job much harder by not sharing the load. And I know that sharing the load is a hard thing to do. I hate making lists for my partner, it’s so annoying. And it was for many years. But he makes the lists, too, now. Because I let him fall. And because I decided that the mom doesn’t have to do it all.

And to get to a place where you can start to share the load takes this week’s practice:

Take one night a week completely off.

Now you don’t need to fill it with gratitude - but this practice will result in immense amounts of gratitude that you will feel. Of course, with all new things, at first, it won't be easy, but in time I promise you it will be the first thing on your gratitude list each week.

This is how it works:

Sit down with your partner and find one night a week that you can consistently leave the house before or after dinner and definitely before the bedtime routine. Obviously, if your baby won’t take a bottle, then leave after the feed.

Find a weekly yoga class you can attend or a women’s group to join (like the Gratitude Circle!) - or go to a local bookstore and find a seat in the back. If you can’t leave the house, you will need a pair of noise-canceling headphones, ear plugs, and a lock on your bedroom door, or sit in your car in the garage - find a way to be completely gone.

And once you are gone, you are gone. And for the next 2 - 3 hours it’s your chance to be you. Read that steamy romance or call a friend to talk. Take a walk. Whatever you do, it should be free from the demands of anyone or anything. No commitments to meeting your mom if that feels like a chore, no dog to walk and pick up poop after, no people to ask to do you anything at all. 

Depending on your partner’s level of experience, it will be rocky (or easy) to get started but stick with the same night a week for your kid’s sake.

“Mommy goes out to yoga every Monday. I will tuck you in on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday, and Friday…etc. But on Monday, Dadddy makes dinner and tucks you in.” 

We need this time, Mama. Now that I have been doing this for many years, I have increased it to two nights. Whether or not you subscribe to all of the demands of Intensive parenting, cultural pressure is still real, and we all must find ways of dealing. Being there for your child on a consistently loving basis is important. Connecting and caring about their development and education is important. And when you provide the extra things you never had growing up, that feels really good too. But the sacrifice it takes on our mental health and relationships with our partners is rough — like really rough people. 

And obviously, I know one night a week is not enough — it’s not even close to enough — but if you are in a two-person relationship, it’s something doable that you have at your disposal right now - and it can even be completely free.

And I want you to savor this time off, too, before, during, and after. If you want to learn more about savoring, check out this practice here – and of course, you can take a journal with you and make your gratitude list every week during your night. It’s up to you to find a way to make it work. No matter when I make my list, morning, night, or in between, I am forever grateful to myself for having the tough conversation and for remembering that just because I am the mother doesn’t mean I am the only and best caregiver for my kids. I certainly don’t need to do it all or should. And by stepping away even for just one night, I can remind myself of just how Good As Fuck of a MOM I am. - Stef

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Disclaimer:

I want to clarify that the conversation with your partner can feel daunting, especially if you want to do it right without any screaming lol. I didn’t ask for a weekend day to sleep in until our oldest was around six - so I get it. And it’s not easy. But the payoff has been huge. And every time I have a tough conversation with my partner asking for things I need, it leads to good things for me and him and our kids because they get to see how a father can be involved, competent, and part of the team. I do not believe that parents are the single most important factors in whether our children will develop into amazing and healthy, and well-rounded people – but a functioning household in which both caregivers can get the rest they need and where cultural expectations are examined and even said NO to is a great place to start. If you are ready you could start by watching this film together.

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Other Practices to Try:

Listen to this post as a podcast:

That I Would Be a Good (Mom)

I rewrote the lyrics to “That I would be good” by Alanis Morisette for you, Mama. I won’t sing it for you because that would not be good. Don’t ever forget you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef

That I Would Be A Good Mom

That I would be a good mom even if I did nothing
That I would be a good mom, even if I got stuck inside my head
That I would be a good mom if I got and stayed tired
That I would be a good mom, even if my body was no longer mine

That I would be a fine mom, even if I went over the top
That I would be a good mom if I lost my hair and my spark
That I would be a great mom if I forgot to feel joy
That I would be grand even if I were not ‘doing it all’

That you would feel loved even when I fail
That you would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That you would be loved even while I cried in the closet
That you would be good even if I were not perfect

That I would be a good mom even if I lost pieces of myself
That I would be good enough,
Imperfect and still here, my love.

Mindful Parenting: Finding Balance in Self-Care

So let’s talk about something we never do on the blog - meditation. But don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you should meditate - because I make it my personal mission never to make you feel overburdened (like you need to add new things to your to-do list). The activities I suggest can usually be incorporated into what you are doing already - rocking babies, driving kids to soccer, loading the dishwasher, etc.

I acknowledge that we are all on different chapters of the book of motherhood - some that are more time and energy-demanding than others.

I stay away from meditation because I don’t want you to think it’s the ultimate solution - because it’s just not true. Everything we discuss in this blog concerns accepting who we are, where we are right now, and what we can focus on.

And I never say - “this practice is mandatory for all mothers' health.” I offer what I know, rooted in positive psychology and behavioral science, and I let you try it on for size. 

But I always want to be completely honest with you too. Do I meditate? Yes. I meditate six days a week. And I have for years now. My kids are 11 and 14, so that allows me the time and space to stop and be still - but I have also been meditating since they were around 5 and 8, which is a very different age brackets. I practice every weekday morning after my gratitude routine, and I leave the house two nights a week to meditate in a group setting and at yin yoga. And it works for me.

Depending on your motherhood stage, you may be able to include meditation in your healing journey. And if you don’t feel like you have the capacity, then go ahead and skip to another post. But… if you tried it a few times, it didn't work, and you gave up, which is why you don’t do it - then I would probably stick around.

I’m here to tell you that yes, you can meditate – and parent, and work, and sleep, and breathe, and pay bills….and it’s not called ‘doing it all’.

The practice of self-reflection, which often serves as the foundation of meditation, is straightforward and free self-care.

And I get it; we are not encouraged to meditate as mothers — because we are busy, and it won’t solve the bigger societal issues causing moms stress.

But dissing sitting quietly to notice how you feel, makes me uncomfortable — in reality, what we are talking about is taking a moment for self-reflection, for self-care. That could look like sitting for 5 minutes and focusing on your breath, or it could look like walking around the block without a podcast or your phone in the presence of nature alone. Self-reflection CAN help with parents’ problems because it takes the focus off the hectic world we reside in and brings us back to our core, our self, and where we are psychologically.

NO AMOUNT OF SELF-REFLECTION WILL FIX OUR WORK-OBSESSED, “PRETEND YOU DON’T HAVE A FAMILY” CULTURE — BUT IT’S NOT GONNA MAKE IT ANY WORSE EITHER.

In addition to not noticing our burnout or stress, we use distraction and indulgence to ignore or withdraw from bad feelings as they try to reveal themselves. Some of us spend too much money online, watch too much TikTok at work, or maybe drink too much – and yes, I have certainly done all these things too.

Whatever they may be for you — these coping mechanisms, while protectors in themselves, also keep us from discovering when we have hit our mental health wall, and boom! we are in a full-blown Mom Tantrum and don’t know how we got there.

Meditation is not a chance to zone out and “be calm” — and it’s certainly not an escape. Meditation is just a simple practice of self-reflection, and it’s an opportunity to train your brain to notice your state - good, bad, or ugly. Your state is just your mood or fleeting emotion you may be experiencing.  And once we can notice our state, we can attend to our needs before s$*& hits the fan. And when we do, it leads to more customized self-care: like, Wow, I feel lonely — maybe I will chat with a friend, or Wow, am I mad - time for a walk outside.

@parentdifferently We've heard it all: you can't pour from an empty cup, put your oxygen mask on first, and you can't care for others if you're not caring for yourself. But do we listen? Self-care is so important for moms because the better we feel the better we can serve our kids. #GoodAFMom #MyDolceMoment #selfcareformoms #parentingexpert #momslifebelike #momentsinmotherhood #mommymode #perfectlyimperfct ♬ what happened in 2022 - Hendrix Beckitt

That’s what our “never slow down” culture takes away from us — choices. Insights from a broadened perspective, and our curiosity too. We’re just so exhausted and are lulled into the false notion that we have to go to work and be perfect there and go home and be perfect there, too. We forget to question any of it. 

Perfection does not need to be your truth because it can’t be, you’re a parent, and s#%T happens.

And I know, in a state of exhaustion, looking within can feel like a trap, like an unwinnable bargain you will make with the devil. After all, what will you find, and does it matter? But it does. Because you matter. Hustle culture keeps you in motion precisely so you WON’T stop and look within. But that’s where all your answers will lie.

So I would say YES, learn to notice your emotions and moods, and more and more, you will discover all the choices available. How can you do this? Well, it comes from mindfulness. There are many ways to learn mindfulness that we have discussed on this blog - you can try the practice “Hello Moment!” where I talk about Practical Mindfulness or this post where I explain how mindfulness can lead you to the Juicy Pause. 

And sitting quietly for 5 to 10 minutes daily can be another way to teach yourself mindfulness.

When you sit, be gentle with yourself, notice thoughts as thoughts, and allow them to come and go. It helps if you have an anchor, use something easy to return to once you notice you have drifted off. I use my breath or listen for my cat, who loves to meow and bump around the room while I sit. Getting distracted doesn’t make you a bad meditator - all meditators get distracted by thoughts; that’s part of the gig. It’s about being kind to yourself or neutral when you notice you have slipped off.

The culture isn’t going to change overnight. The only person that can change overnight is you - and if it were me, I would start with the self-care of a daily moment of reflection and try meditation.  Because there’s only one way to find what works for you: to try it ALL. I know you will find what works for you and give it every effort before walking away - because you are already a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

What to read next…

Listen to post as a Podcast

Gratitude Practice: Pick a Color

So you’re a busy mom who wants to practice gratitude - Hello, me too! 

I am also a busy mom, and I have been Parenting with Gratitude™ for over three years. I have less resentment and shame than ever before - and it felt so good once it started kicking in. I wanted to add more gratitude to my life. And so, I came up with all kinds of fun ways to practice it on the go - because sometimes I can't get to my morning list. And this practice is a favorite in my house because my kids like to watch me suffer, lol - jk! Really I think it’s because they dont believe I can do it - but I can.

The Pick a Color Practice

When I feel low and need a pick-me-up, I play rapid-fire gratitude using the cars around me. I will ask my kids to pick a car color on the way to school. And then, for the rest of the day, when I see a car that color, I will have to think of something I am grateful for. Sometimes if they are being really sadistic, they will choose silver, lol – but sometimes I can get them to choose teal or yellow, which is a little more manageable - or red even! 

I even do this practice when my kids aren't around, too, to be honest - sometimes I will pick forest green and go with it - because gratitude dramatically changes my mood.

Why is that the case? I wondered that myself, so I consulted OG gratitude researcher Professor Robert Emmons's new book, “The Little Book of Gratitude.” This is what he said:

“The need for novelty and change are hardwired into our brains. The substantia nigra/ ventral segmentation or SN/TVA, an area in the midbrain responds to novel stimuli. Whether you keep a diary, post gratitudes on your social media, or just think grateful thoughts, focus on surprising events, unexpected kindnesses, new and unusual experiences, and these will activate your SN/VTA. This area of the brain links memory and learning centers, so keeping your gratitudes fresh and new will be cognitively and neurally beneficial.”

So we must keep it new and different to learn to be grateful and store it in our memories. 

Bonus Family Game

Another little game I like in the car is similar to the Alphabet game - the game where you go around, and everyone has to name a vegetable or Star Wars character alphabetically. Substitute that Ewok for one item you’re grateful for - A for Aunty Ashley, B for Ballet Class, C for Chunky Peanut Butter – you get the picture. 

Mix it up, and make sure to let your kids see you being thankful! Let me know which one you try or if you come up with one of your own, and don’t forget to include yourself somewhere on that list, too — because you are a GoodAF Mom! - Stef

Read these next:

Listen to this post as a podcast:

When Things Go Wrong

Just because of the nature of emotions and how the brain functions, it’s much easier to offer you advice when I am feeling good. When my mind is clear, I can access my accumulated knowledge on well-being and gracious living. It’s much harder to share when I F-ed up — when things go bad.

But I am committed to the practice of imperfect parenting — and to do that means not ‘acting’ perfect online either. And so I will be honest with you here.

I threw a massive Mom Tantrum this morning — my son started screaming from the backseat but would not tell me why. And when I slowed down the car and looked at him in the rearview mirror, he kept screaming and refused to say one word. This triggered me, and I slammed on the brake of the car, making the car bounce with fury, and screamed: “Are you hurt!! Do we need to pull over!! What is going on!!! You need to tell me right now!” — like uncomfortably loudly. Looking back, I know I did it to scare him into reacting because nothing else had worked, and I needed an answer as we were in the middle of the road.

Turns out he had a loose tooth that had taken a sharp turn on a bagel, and he was in excruciating pain 🤦‍♀️.

If you have baggage of any sort, Mom Tantrums will happen from time to time. And This morning sh%t got real.

I felt helpless and unseen and really out of control — although, at the time, I was feeling really in control, in control of my anger.

And my anger was valid, but the way I acted was not. The tantrum I threw. It was not ok. We are just out there living and trying to heal, and sh%t happens. We can do the work and get to a place of GoodAF; still, sh%t can happen. Do I feel extraordinarily bad right now? Yes. Do I also know that it’s just another day and moment in time and that I am ultimately OK, a good mom who makes mistakes? Yes, that too.

But no amount of good feelings will make the hurt go away - at first.

I had to feel it, but I tried so hard not to this morning.

After I dropped the kids off at school, I went for my walk - and the first 2 miles were ok, but by the 3rd mile, I could feel the emotion welling up with no place to go but out. I thought I had managed it by breathing it out and connecting in a kind way when I dropped my son off - but no, it was bigger than that.

So I drove home, and I sat down and cried. Like really cried. I allowed myself to acknowledge that what I did was wrong. I let myself get angry for all the valid reasons I should have been — I was driving and couldn’t see the problem, anyone else in the car could have jumped to help but they didn’t — and my son is hard when it comes to injuries. There have been so many times before where problems not this huge were portrayed to be. I was angry and needed to feel it.

I was also hurt. I didn’t want to yell and scream at my 11-year-old child. He was hurt. He was in pain, and I made him more afraid because I used fear to get him to respond. I don’t want to be that type of mother where my feelings matter more than his. And I take responsibility for that. There really isn’t a moment in life that constitutes a freakout where fear should be the parenting tactic. Getting mad and telling someone how you feel is important — but a Mom Tantrum like this, no.

But they happen — in fact, since I haven’t had one in over a year or two, actually made me feel worse — like everything I work on every day and everything I talk to you all about is for nothing. But in reality, that’s not true. Once I sat to feel my pain, I knew that I would be OK, I knew that I had made a mistake, but that mistake didn’t make me a Bad Mom. And it reminded me of the GoodAF Mom Pep Talk #5 on the podcast, where I remind you that: Moms make mistakes too.

And that’s what I said to myself: Moms make mistakes too. I will chalk this one up to bad circumstances and move on — of course, not until I make it right with my son this afternoon.

Once I calmed down, that’s when I listed a bunch of things to be grateful for - the house was empty when I came home, so I could wail freely. I had an extra hour today because of afterschool classes so this self-care time wouldn’t cut into my working hours. And I had my kids and my life. And the next time they freaked out, I could point to my own freak out and said — me too. I get it. Life’s hard, buddy. Me too. - Stef

What to read next:

Gratitude Practice: Savoring

@parentdifferently Learn the steps to parent differently with gratitude by joining the free 90-day challenge on my website #GoodAFMom #dailygratitudechallenge #gratitudechallenge #selfcareeveryday #momlifeyo #lifewithlittles ♬ original sound - Stef-ParentDifferently

What if I told you that your toddler’s crusty nose could be a great source of happiness and well-being? You would probably say gross, Stef.

And yes, it's true - after a lifetime of wiping other people’s children’s noses as a nanny (and then another lifetime of wiping my kids’ noses), I get it - it's gross. Nothing can prepare you for going in with a tissue to wipe and realizing that that crunchy exterior was actually a dam holding back a landslide of yellow and green snot – that’s a serious wiping commitment no one prepares you for. 

A crusty nose can be a source of happiness and well-being because of one thing — the contrast it offers. It’s a tiny hardship, something our minds are immediately attracted to. Just like so many of the annoying parts of parenting that don’t seem to quit - like the butt wiping and the ever-constant reminders that snacks aren’t gonna happen 5 minutes before dinner. And, of course, gratitude can fall flat without the contrast of more annoying times. But why do I remember that crusty sh%t so clearly – and forget the times when we fell into each other’s arms or ran around the playground?

Why does it stay stuck when the good is so much better?

You may remember our favorite OG gratitude researcher Professor Robert Emmons, has this to say about hardship and gratitude,

“When times are good, people take prosperity for granted and begin to believe that they are invulnerable.”

So we slide right into complacency, don’t we? The painful truth is our brains are efficient animals; they like known, simple, and easy. As James Clear says, “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” Goals are not something you do every day or are baked into your genes. They are ephemeral thoughts. Systems or habits well those build and build over time. They can be helpful or hurtful. Our brains don't care. These habits are a carved rut in the road, which our brains can easily slide into.

So what does this have to do with a runny nose? Well, a whole lot, actually. Imagine showing up at daycare, walking into the classroom, and as you look at your child, the first and only thing you see for a second is their old, dirty, crusted nose - gross. Well, you have a scapegoat for your repulsion, and it’s what cognitive scientists call the Negativity Bias.

The Negativity Bias is an automatic habit of the brain that makes looking for and evaluating threats and anything that could harm us a priority over anything other type of thinking. It causes us to remember criticism more than compliments and mistakes over wins. And the secret’s out. It’s also the operator behind the curtain of Mom Guilt.

Getting Brainy with It.

The Negativity Bias’ main goal is to keep us safe. Snots - no. Germs - no. Our thinking brain is not allowed a first opinion because our survival instincts kick in. I’ll let the psychiatrist and co-author of “What Happened to You?” Dr. Bruce Berry explains the brain process a bit more to you:

“The brain organizes from bottom to top, with the lower parts of the brain (brain stem/diencephalon aka “survival brain”) developing earliest, the cortical areas (thinking brain) much later,”  Perry says. “The majority of brain organization takes place in the first four years.Our brain functions from the bottom up - the instincts first and then the sorting and reasoning after.“

And so when we see our child, we only see the germs first. We see our child only after that initial reaction, and our thinking and reasoning brain kicks in. Of course, no one is saying we haven’t evolved or that we can’t respond instead of react. That you aren’t a GoodAF Mom if you go gross inside your head. I know a big fat smile will most likely happen next as you dash across the room and scoop your son up – hugging him and spreading that sh%t all over your freshly dry-cleaned coat.

The Negativity Bias lives in the more instinctual part of the brain, but we really don’t need it. We don’t need to scan everywhere we go for danger anymore instantly. Our world is relatively safe - no venomous snakes or wild cats hiding behind the neighbors four by four. Plus, this scanning makes us really stressed - probably more than we used to be. Since our brains are programmed to be constantly scanning, and we are surrounded by SO many stimuli these days, our nervous systems are stressed the f out.

What now, then?

Using gratitude as a prompt, you can take a few very specific steps if you would like to work on your “reaction” time and bigger hardships. Where maybe the Negativity Bias does not ease up after a millisecond but takes control of your whole day instead. Well, that’s why we are happy we have neuroplasticity on our side. Center for Brain Health, University of Texas at Dallas, explains that neuroplasticity is “the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life." So, yay, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

The first step is to use gratitude to notice things we overlook.

This will help to shift our perspective and then do that enough. You will give it a new system to depend on in tough times. And begin to replace the old system (the negativity bias) that maybe has run its course. Like our almost instant ability to overlook the snot and crack that loving smile, we can also learn to shorten our reactive time in other cases. 

So we use the power of gratitude to notice the good, shift our perspective and then use our natural neuroplasticity to rewire with repetition over time cognitively. And then we can add one more practice to the mix…

The practice of Savoring

Savoring is taking an external view of an experience to review and appreciate it. So you eat a strawberry and notice, yum, this is juicy, and then pop another in your mouth, OR if you are savoring, you take the time to step outside the experience and really notice the nuances of it for like 15 to 30 seconds. Wow, this strawberry is so delicious! You intentionally slow down your chewing. You let the juices move around your mouth, you think about the last strawberry you had and how this one is so much sweeter, and even after you swallow, you think, wow, that was a delicious moment.

This is savoring. Science shows that although savoring “things” can be beneficial, we can get the most out of savoring experiences because not only do we get more happiness out of experiences over material things, but we get bigger does of well-being from experiences because we savor them BEFORE they happen AND after they happen as well.

Think of a trip you recently went on - I find it so easy to go directly to the good memories of a trip over the bad, do you? I always forget to pack things for a trip, but when I reflect on the experience, my brain immediately goes to all the fun things we did. It’s one place in my life where my mistakes do not cloud the wins. And this is because of the repetition of savoring a trip provides. You don’t do this with other things in your life, like going to the playground or putting your toddler in a cute outfit. An experience is a training gym for the mind, from the pre-savoring of a trip to the actual FUN a trip provides, and then to running through memories of the trip and sharing them with friends.

We can follow this recipe for savoring and apply it to other areas of our lives.

We could do it with the strawberry - it would feel really cringy, but it could look like Pre-savoring: I get the strawberries out and put them in a pretty bowl. I look at them throughout the day and think about how beautifully red they are. I feel gratitude for the farmers who planted and tended the seeds and the workers who harvested and boxes them. I take a photo and post it on Instagram sharing the beauty with friends. Savoring in Real Time: Then I eat a few, mindfully savoring and intentionally taking it slow to really indulge in the flavor. Post Savoring: Then, a few hours later, I text a friend to tell them about the strawberries and where I got them. Maybe I even pick up a pint and drop them off at their doorstep as a surprise. A few days later, I looked at the photo I had taken on Instagram, and I remember the juiciness of the berries and sharing them with a friend. I feel the gratitude and the specialness of the moment all over again. And on and on it can go. 

Savoring is a way to take gratitude to the next level.

And it can help to amplify situations that already feel pretty good. And when we do this, we push back against our instinct to look for what went wrong, to find the strawberry with the mold or the one that didn’t taste so sweet.  Opportunities like these are all around us. What can you find to savor this week? Could it be something you do every day? How about an experience or a trip you took recently? Could you take the photos out and savor those? How about the way the light trickles through your baby’s dark brown hair or the way he tucks his feet under his bottom while he plays? Can you apply the steps of noticing, shifting to a grateful perspective, and then savoring in three ways (before, during, and after) to these everyday parenting moments too? 

The crusty nose will still be there, and all the other annoying inescapable parts of parenting too. But the good is waiting to be seen, felt, and held - are you ready to train your brain so you can feel more of it? I know you are. I hope you enjoy your week of savoring experiences and things – and don’t forget you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

Other Parenting with Gratitude™ Practices:

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Embracing Intentional Parenting

This weekend I killed my son’s betta fish.

And it's true I did - I killed Felix. We had bought him that day, and I was worried that he would be cold overnight because we had overlooked buying a heater, so I wrapped his little tank with a heating pad crossing my fingers that it would work. And it did — a little too well. I cooked his fish overnight.

Of course, waking up to my son’s tears was horrible.

But then my son said to me, “We are going out RIGHT NOW and getting a NEW FISH,” and I got triggered - I crankily said back to him, “We are not getting any new fish until you do the proper research, which neither of us did and that's really why he died!” This, unfortunately, is imperfect parenting in action. 

I’m sure this story inspires empathy, like, “Wow, that's one of those situations you could feel really sh%tty about even a week later, and I'm so sorry.” And thank you, I appreciate it, but I am actually OK. I regret making myself feel better by passing some of the blame onto my 11-year-old’s lack of fish research. After all, I am the parent, and I should have done some myself before spending $22 on a fish. And he certainly didn't need me to throw it back on him when he felt super sad about his mother killing his new friend.

So yeah, I feel guilty about that, but do I feel like a Bad Mother? Do I want to run away and cry in my closet, filled with shame? Actually, no, I don't. 

And that’s a massive improvement for me. I never was a “sh%t happens” kind of person. I have always been an “it’s totally my fault, and this mistake defines me now” type.

And so this fish incident is a moment I will hold on to because it reminds me that it's one thing to have an intention - but it's another to take that intention seriously. 

I take my intention to be a happier human seriously by reminding myself daily of it and taking the repeated action of gratitude to achieve it. And without taking those series of steps, or what I call parenting with gratitude™, over the past four years, again and again, I would have had a much worse weekend than I did. 

Parenting with gratitude™ is the simple equation that I have developed over the years to take what was once a fleeting wish of showing up for my kids as loving and kind most of the time - and make it a reality, 

I want to share the recipe that has made Parenting with Gratitude™ really work for me, and it is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

And the first step is Intention - in fact, I call it my GoodAF Mom Intention, which for me these days is to be a happier human and to be kind. 

That doesn’t mean all the time. It means more than yesterday or being a little less hard on myself the next time I murder a fish. And because I know at some point you reached an “enough is enough” moment or two, and you decided that something needed to change, I will stress that this GoodAF Mom Intention, the one that anchors you, will be the most crucial part to taking the steps to parent differently. 

Over the years, my intention has morphed and changed as I have grown and rediscovered the parts of me that were a little bit lost.  And as my intention became just figuring out how to be happy, I also learned that I didn’t have to be happy all the time to make this change. It was the intention that mattered. It's what changed my focus and fueled my inner healing. 

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But having an intention is not enough - it really is about what you do next.

My intention to be a happy human affected my attention. I began to look for things that made me happy, and the most obvious were my kids. Just watching them show up every day made me happy. I was grateful to be with them each day. My intention got me to a place I had never stayed for a very long time - where I stopped pushing myself to be better and just took the time to observe, to watch what I already had - and it was pretty great.  Sure, we can wish things to be different, but unlike what we were told as children, knowing is actually NOT half the battle. 

In fact, this is what Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, calls the G.I.Joe Fallacy.

To quote Santos, “We actually have to do all kinds of stuff other than just knowing stuff to change our behavior. If we really want to change our behavior, we have to change habits. We can’t just learn the stuff.”

The phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. According to Santos, we have to do it - not just once, but change our habits (or the series of learned behaviors we have formed over time). This is why even though Action is crucial to parenting with gratitude, it’s the repeating action of being grateful in many, many, many different ways that lead to real, lasting change. 

According to a 2015 study that looked at why some people act on their dreams to become entrepreneurs while others only think and dream, it was determined that the key to the implementation of an intention - the DOING instead of just the knowing - boiled down to having what they called a “commitment devices.” 

These commitment devices can come in two forms.  One relies on self-regulation and was introduced by Peter Gollwitzer in 1999, called “Implementation Intention.” Basically, once you set a clear goal with achievable steps, you can also attach it to existing experiences through an “if-then” plan. Basically, thinking through what you will do in certain situations that may challenge your intention or goal. The simplest form of an implementation intention is every time you touch the front doorknob, you say keys inside your head. Here are some others:

• “I intend to run daily, so I will lay out my running clothes each night and keep my headphones by the door.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention for this situation could be to think about running and how good it feels every night when you lay out your clothes.

• “I intend to stop yelling, so I will take a moment after it is over to notice what types of things are running through my head.” Great specific goal and intention. Your implementation intention for this goal could be reminding yourself repeatedly (when you aren’t yelling) that Moms make mistakes too, and the pause and the repair after yelling is the most important part to teach your kids. It’s not about yelling, it’s about what you do after.

• “I intend to be more grateful. Therefore, I will write five things daily while drinking my coffee.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention would be when you think about drinking your coffee as you go to bed, say gratitude list. The association between the two will eventually become part of your brain’s automatic systems in the morning.

The other was an accountability device - So telling someone that you were going to start a gratitude journal or you intend to work on your mental health this year is a catalyst for creating action, for bridging the gap from intention to action because generally, as a species we strive for favorable opinions of our peers.

You can do it.

Using the knowledge of behavioral scientists mixed with my parenting with gratitude™ formula, we can become attuned to what we want and how we will get it. This customizes our goal and makes it achievable because it's not about what other people want or even what we may have thought we wanted two weeks ago.

Let’s try the formula together:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

• What is your intention? Maybe it’s to show up as your best self and to parent differently.

• What attention does this intention need? Well, what is my “best self” in the first place? This is where self-reflection comes in very handy. Maybe your “best self” can come to the surface once all the Mom Guilt and shame of making mistakes has subsided.

• What are the repeatable steps you will take to get to a place where Mom Guilt feels less like shame and mistakes feel more like learning opportunities? 

Well, for me, I chose gratitude. A committed daily practice of remembering all the good things I do for others and what they do for me proved I wasn’t bad, and it has detached me completely from shame, from only identifying as a Bad Mom. Rooting out daily moments of gratitude has allowed me to see my inner goodness, it has allowed me to access my best self without fear of internal judgment, and it has given me the freedom to keep making the mistakes so vital to learning. 

Sure, I may be a fish murderer, but that doesnt automatically qualify me as a Bad Mom – I am a Good AS Fuck Mom who made a mistake. And you are a Good Mom, too – so find an intention statement that works for you, one that, with a bit of attention, you can bridge the gap to action and finally see results. 

Once you ask yourself the hard questions, make a list of ways to take action, and use me as an accountability partner, join my email list and hit reply, or DM me on Instagram I’ll listen. And if you're stuck for an intention, I know you are reading because maybe you have had enough or you are curious about what it would take to be more fun, well maybe for the next week you can try this one for size:

I intend to parent differently by committing to the daily practice of gratitude. 

Don’t you ever forget you have all the pieces to the equation. And you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

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How Does Gratitude Improve Parenting?

Recently I decided to ask ChatGPT this question:

How does Gratitude Improve Parenting?

I know from personal experience that gratitude has improved my relationship with my kids, self, and partner — but I wanted to hear what the research AI had to say. Here’s its answer:

Gratitude can improve parenting by promoting a positive mindset and perspective. When parents practice gratitude, they focus on the things they appreciate and value in their children and family, rather than dwelling on their challenges and frustrations. This can lead to a more fulfilling and rewarding parent-child relationship and can also increase their overall sense of well-being and happiness. Gratitude can also foster a sense of emotional connection and can help parents to respond to their children in a more positive and supportive way, which can have a long-lasting impact on their children's emotional and behavioral development.

From my own personal research, I find this to be spot on. Gratitude changes our perspective by opening our worldview to allow more CHOICES to be discovered.

When there are more choices we dont feel trapped, burned out, or overwhelmed, even within the highly stressful experience of parenting differently than we were raised.

When you choose to parent differently you are stepping into foreign territory, shedding the learned habits from youth, and the model your parents provided, for something that you are a beginner at.

That was choosing to let go of parenting perfectly as the books told me - to let go of worrying about HOW I was parenting and begin to look inside myself instead.

What did I discover when I stopped striving for perfection in parenting and turned inward instead?

I found a tight, scared, and exhausted shell of who I used to be before I was graced with my adorable kids. This was scary, and I knew I needed help. And so, I put down the parenting books and picked up a few good self-help ones instead.

Now after years of investing in myself through therapy, devoted mindfulness and gratitude practice - and exercise - I understand that the role of having choices is invaluable to parenting.

When we choose to be grateful amidst hardship, we are making a radical decision to choose our mental health over what society says is more “important” - and when we do that, we can discover that all those moments that we thought made us a “Bad Mom” are actually not that many. When we sit down to list our gratitude we discover that we have overlooked a million and one things that make us Good AF moms instead.

Gratitude can also positively impact cycle-breaking (or just trying to parent a little bit differently.)

And as a disclaimer, I have no intention of outsourcing my blog posts or podcast to the machines; after all, if you listened to Episode 31 (Intention Action Gap), you’ll know that no AI would ever understand what it’s like to cook your child’s betta fish overnight… I hope you have a good week - and don’t forget you are already a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

Need more science? Watch as OG Gratitude researcher, Professor Robert Emmons, explains why gratitude is so important to our life satisfaction:

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Gratitude Practice: Hello Moment!

After 20 years of supporting parents, ‘practical’ mindfulness is the only way I talk about mindfulness anymore. Mindfulness is very doable, but the idea of adding mindfulness to our to-do lists is burnout-provoking. In reality, mindfulness simply means noticing what we tend to put on cruise control. I can be breathing and notice that I am breathing - that slight shift from just doing the thing to noticing the doing - that's mindfulness.

One of the obstacles to mindfulness is unpleasant emotions. If you are feeling angry it takes a lot of courage to look under than anger and see what else is there. It takes a lot of courage to feel anger too. It’s easier to move on with your day, isn’t it? Yes, mindfulness does apply to unpleasant feelings as well as pleasant ones. It applies to everything - it’s just a way to shift our awareness and become more present in our lives or even just small moments throughout the day. 

I want to talk about mindfulness in practical applications that can help us to jump the hurdles of our psyche (or what some mindfulness teachers call “resistance”), by incorporating them into our existing parenting routines.

Whenever I read a scientific study or an article on how the pandemic made our anxiety worse, the writers always say, “anxiety is worse in stressful times.” Then I think - but having a 2, 3, or 14-year-old IS “stressful times” even when the world isn’t on fire.

The stresses of parenting send you to places where you have no choice but to go.

And so even before we get to mindfulness we need to establish a little self-compassion for where we are and what we do each day. Your gratitude practice will help you to see all the good things that happen each day, and the good things you do for other people too - and for me, this is the proof that I am a good person, that what the voices in my head telling me is untrue. Once I remember my inner goodness, self-compassion can flow easier. It can be as simple as telling myself that this part’s not supposed to be easy, acknowledging that I am struggling without judgment of that struggle, or just stopping and saying that’s enough for today — these are all significant steps to take.

Mindfulness helps us stay longer in the present moment instead of bouncing forward to the future and backward to the past. And I know I have said it before, but – being in the present moment is your greatest ally as a parent.  Noticing how we feel, where we are, and what our expectations are, immediately makes parenting more of a solvable puzzle. So back to the basics here. We can notice things as pleasant and unpleasant or neutral – these are called feeling tones or vendanās in Buddhism. We can bring a soft mindful touch to those tones, and they, in turn, can keep us rooted here in the present.

Of course, you are busy, and you aren’t just going to remember to stop and feel your breath or body multiple times a day. At first, it will take some deliberate action to signal to your brain that this new way of noticing, or living in the world, with more awareness - well, it’s what you want to do now. This is why using techniques like Stop Signs, alarms, mantras, and lists is important because they replace old habits.

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GOODAF MOM GRATITUDE PRACTICE:

This is where the phrase Hello, Moment! comes in. I have painted the phrase Hello, Moment! on rocks and written it on post-it notes that I scatter around my house and car, and garden.  I like Hello, Moment! because it’s a phrase that is non-judgmental, kind, and even a little fun. If rocks aren’t your thing - you could even use a wipe-off marker to write it on the mirrors in your bathrooms.

These little reminders become an easy way to begin the repetitive training our brains require to develop new habits. This new habit is mindfulness, of pausing and noticing the moment we are in.

How does it Work in Real Life?

Maybe I am walking a basket of dirty laundry on my way to the washer and see the words Hello, Moment! on a windowsill rock or sticky note nearby. I am reminded to take a moment. What do I do with this moment? Well, maybe I go super sensory – I notice my hands holding the laundry, maybe there’s a smell to the laundry (gross) or a sound nearby. I could use it as an opportunity to list three things I am grateful for. I could also notice the feeling tones in my body of unpleasant, pleasant, and neutral, or I can look for any interior grumbling happening - I mean, it’s laundry after all - and if I want to or if it feels good to, I can deliberately notice something positive and beautiful instead - maybe the color of my favorite underwear in the pile, all moody and dark maroon.

Do it with Your Kids!

When you sit down to make three or four Hello, Moment! reminders, make sure they are cheerful, give them a sparkle, or make them pretty in some way. Then when you spot one in the wild, this “niceness” will naturally incline your mind towards that as a first step towards positivity. However you do it, make sure you place them in high-traffic areas at first, so you can get into a sort of rhythm. 

This is just one practical and no-pressure way to incorporate mindfulness into your daily routines. Adding in Stop Signs on your pick-up and drop-off routes is another, and the Choose a Color Game from Episode 12 of the podcast is another. Learning a new skill takes time, but the beauty of mindfulness is that it is always accessible. Like right now, if you stopped to notice your hands or feet, you could. Before I said that, your awareness was probably somewhere else (maybe coming up with a few places to put those rocks?) But once I said notice your hands, your mind went right there. It’s doable. And the more you do it, the more it comes in handy. You can notice, “Wow, I feel tight” or “I feel like I want to run out of this room and as far away as possible”, and offer yourself a little compassion just in time.

Because you are a GoodAF Mom who has choices. – Stef

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Moonlight Gratitude with Emily Silva

Podcast Guest:

Emily Silva

Coach, Author: Moonlight Gratitude

Are you struggling to add new routines that support your mental health as a mother? Are you feeling ashamed about not being able to stick with new habits? Discover how to add gratitude to your routine with guest Emily Silva of SoulsAdventures.com. Emily and I discuss simple ways to make new routines stick and answer a reader’s question.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

OUR QUESTION TODAY WAS THE FOLLOWING:

Why can’t I add a nightly gratitude routine?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation…

I've been doing gratitude forever and I have a great morning routine. It's very solid. But I can't practice gratitude or get into a routine at night and so this week’s question was acutally from me!

I think I've tried for 4 years to have a nourishing nighttime routine. And to give you a little back history, I used to drink at night, but I don’t anymore. I also used to have that “mom coping time” where it was finally quiet, the kids are asleep, there was no one demanding anything from me and so I'm going to have a couple of drinks and I'm going to scroll. Maybe you know it.

By the time I would hit the pillow I was exhausted and I was not sober, right? So I thought maybe that was the reason I didn't have an evening gratitude practice because I was in an altered state. However, recently I did a no-sugar diet and I cut alcohol. When I came back from the diet I decided not to drink before bed anymore. So I completely changed my habits. Now I make myself a cup of tea and then I read before bed. But even with these new habits I still couldn’t add in a gratitude practice. What should I do?

Emily: Well it sounds like you have a bedtime routine. The thing you just told me is your routine is reading and a cup of tea, that is your routine. You do it every single night. And so if you want to add gratitude to your routine that you already have, you just have to pair it. So before you open the book do your gratitude.

This shocked me because it was so simple. Of course, it you have a reward you can introduce a new aspect of a routine much easier. And the thing I like the most about my routine is the reading. So it becomes my reward. In the morning, I have always stuck to my routine because I get up 1 hour earlier than the rest of the household. And the QUIET and peacefulness of the house is my reward.

Emily: I think with habits we need to reward ourself. It's not like you're punishing yourself with the routine. It's just training yourself and so the reward is the next chapter of your book. To answer your question more generally: Why it's hard to practice gratitude at night? It’s hard because our day is done and we just went through the entire thing. And so I think sometimes we can get ourselves to bed and we're so tired that it's like I can't even do a thing. I can't even open a book and write down something. So if you're at that point, as you're going off to sleep just think of the one thing - like one magic moment of the day.

It doesn't even have to be magic. It could be just something that made you smile and I think the expectations we place on routine, morning routine, night routine, wherever we're at in our schedule — it sets us up for failure because you already have a routine, the expectation makes it feel like you don’t.

I asked Emily how she established a morning routine since she is more of a night owl:

Coffee. Using a drink in the morning or even in the evening is like pairing routine with a reward as well. Like I'm not going to have my glass of wine until I have my gratitude done. I'm not going to have my tea or coffee in the AM or I'm not going to read my next chapter. Whatever it is, we have to reward ourselves and that's something that James Clear says in Atomic Habits: In order to create a habit we need to make it easy and we need to make it enjoyable.

SOME OTHER TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION:

• Savoring good feelings for 15 to 30 seconds helps the brain to make new neural pathways - learn more here.

• James Clear empathizes that to introduce a new habit it has to be both easy to adapt and enjoyable - even if that joy comes from the reward you give yourself once it’s over. His book Atomic Habits will change the way you look at your daily routines! 

• Have you tried Itsy Bitsy Baby Yoga - it’s my favorite baby yoga book and it’s what helped me to become a morning person all those years ago when I had my first son.

You can find Emily on Instagram @soulsadventures and her books (listed below) on her website as well as on Amazon: 

• Moonlight Gratitude - new audiobook version available on Audible!

• Moonlight Gratitude: A Journal

• Find Your Glow, Feed Your Soul

• Sunrise Gratitude

Make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

Read these next:

Listen to the Episode Here:

How Can I Grow as Mother?

A fresh take on motherhood can follow these steps: reflecting, remembering, and reorientating, which can lead to new growth.

• Reflecting on what you need.

• Remembering the statistics of being a human.

• Reorientating our mindsets to focus on what we can control.

Reflecting on what you need (i.e. what is working, and what is not).

Do you have enough time to reflect at all? Are you resting enough? What are you loving about your days? These are the areas that need checking from time to time. I believe that the simplest form of self-care is self-reflection and no amount of “me time” is going to cut it if I also don’t look inside and listen to the messages contained within.

For most of us, scheduling time for rest and reflection is actually at the very wrong end of our to-do list. It’s a thing that we try to squeeze in here and there on weekends and vacations. And when we do that, it’s giving the message to our brains that it doesn't matter that much to us - it’s an extra. Instead, the message our brains receive is the things we choose to do every day before we rest are actually what’s most important.

Remembering the statistics of being a human…at all.

Have you heard of Gary Vaynerchuk? He’s a marketing guy turned motivational speaker. I have been following Gary Vee since 2008, and I read his book called Crush It because I wanted to learn how to navigate the growing social media world and get it in front of more moms. 

He has this thing he says about being alive - that is straight existential gratitude in action and something I think we need to think about when turning over a new leaf.

He says:
“400 trillion to 1, those are the odds of becoming a human being. You are more likely to win the lotto 10 times in your life, then actually having a life… So no more dwelling, no more complaining, right now, wrap your head around this ridiculous gift you were given, it’s called life.”

I think about this a lot when I am feeling low, and even though gratitude has a way of putting everything into perspective, sometimes I need a dose of the strong stuff, existential gratitude – and it never fails to stop me and shake me out of my “not good enough” trance. We are lucky to be here at all, let’s start there and hold ourselves accountable to this one special life. 

Of course, that also feels like a lot of pressure too. So let’s break that down. It’s not about valuing your life as sacred and being so careful with it you dont make mistakes. For me this mind-opening exercise is about reminding myself to notice life, to allow myself the opportunities to feel emotions deeply instead of avoid them, and to stop placing blame on other people for what may be going wrong.

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Reorientating our mindsets to focus on what we can control (and not on what we can not).

The average adult makes 35000 decisions a day according to research, and delegating can be important to lightening this load but what you are really doing when you delegate is simplifying your decision-making throughout your day. When you no longer have to decide whether to do laundry before you head off to work or when you get home your world gets a little lighter - and clearer!

We can do this by establishing more rigid routines and cutting stupid decisions and power struggles from our lives - like if he wants to wear his PJs to target let him. Another option is to habit stack tasks, so when you fold the clothes, put the ones for tomorrow on top of the dresser as you put the others away so that you don’t have to think about what to wear for at least one or two days a week. 

You can make your car a no-decision zone too - keep water, snacks, diapers, and wipes in your center console, have a separate pair of sunglasses that live in there versus the ones you constantly lose in the house, and keep a sweatshirt or two for the park as well.

Basically “Type A Mom” is the s#%t out of your life. And that sounds like a nightmare - don’t do it. Find another way to limit your daily decisions instead. Fewer choices mean faster decisions and a happier life Mama.

Finally, when we chose gratitude each day, we choose to focus on the positive over the negative in our lives. No this does not mean the negative will go away, in fact, it will still be there but we can choose to focus our mental energy on the good in our lives which ofter goes overlooked because the negative is so loud or heavy. And I hope that you start by reminding yourself you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef

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Gratitude Practice: The Hot Mom Walk

Rhythm matters to regulation, so if you are a stressed parent exercise that induces a rhythm is important to emotional regulation. Now if you follow me on Instagram you know that I post a video from my walk every morning. I love to walk, I walk three miles a day typically. And I walk fast, it's not leisurely. Exercise in general helps me overall from my physical health to my well-being. Ever since I started moving 5 days a week I have had fewer depressive episodes, and less low back pain and I am not as tired in the afternoons.

But I haven’t always walked. In fact, I really got serious about daily exercise during the pandemic because I was just dying on the inside. It was a way to balance myself out a bit. I didn’t want to leave the house because I was in charge of online schooling and basic child wrangling, so I started attending my son’s online PE classes. It was a win-win too because he was not motivated at all by the exercise videos the teacher shared and he was getting into trouble laying on his bed most of class, etc, you get it. So two birds and one stone.

We had fun doing the silly workout videos online - it was a blast - and it was f-ing hard too! I mean I haven't done burpees since I was in high school - and mountain climbers? I mean this was some real hard stuff they were doing. So a few months of that every day and I was feeling better (well, more in shape at least), and I decided I would try some online videos of my own. And so began the torture I called my pandemic exercise which consisted of all HIIT (or High-Intensity Interval Training) workouts - and yes it was intense. I did these 30-minute videos 5 days a week. Sure it felt great when they were over but WOW did they suck when I was doing them.

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Fast forward 6 months and I have reduced the videos down to like 3 days a week because it’s just too much, and I have substituted in 2 days of walking outside because its summer break, we’ve got this quarantine thing down – and it's a nice break from being in the house, to be honest. And I’m loving it, the birds, the breeze, the overall feeling of being OK and safe outside. It was so nice. But I’m also still putting in the work with the HIIT 3 days a week to make sure I'm staying fit you know? And sure it’s still torture but it feels like what exercise should be right?

At the same time as this is going on I am reading The Artist's Way, which is a classic self-development program that is targeted towards “creatives” or people who identify as such. And one morning the journaling prompt asked me to write out my perfect day. And I did - and wow, did it shape my life. The beginning of the paragraph is super crystal clear in my mind still because its what made me change overnight and it started like this:

I wake up and do my morning routine. The house is quiet and as the kids wake up I listen as they get themselves ready for school. They are old enough now that they do their own thing and I do mine. I finish in time to say goodbye as they get in the car and drive themselves to school. I stretch and get ready for my walk, I love being outside each day connecting with nature, the weather and my neighborhood. I come home and have a nice long cup of tea as I prepare my schedule for the day….

And on I go.

I can still remember sitting there reading what I wrote and marveling at the many similarities there were to the life I was already living or would in the future. The kids being older and more time for myself - it was already coming true each day. How much I loved my morning routine and listening to the quiet house - yes! But what was glaringly and obviously different was the fact that I simply went on a walk every day - I wasn’t killing myself to maintain my body and abs and squat muscles, I was enjoying my exercise. I knew right then I would be happier if I just walked every day. And I purposely let go of the belief that I wouldn’t get enough exercise and chose to slow down and do the thing that had qualified for my perfect day and to walk.

And I began to look forward to exercising - I loved walking. I pushed myself to do it fast and to break a sweat and I noticed that I didn’t gain any weight back. Sure, I may have lost some arm muscle but I didn’t care. I was outside and I felt like a weight had been lifted. I started to look around and use the walk as a time for purposeful gratitude. Sure I listened to podcasts lots of the days but for a lot of them I listened to nothing but the birds and the world around me and savored, and it was glorious. 

Come to find out I was doing something that many people were doing at the time which caught on with a trendy name - the hot girl walk. Invented by 23-year-old Mia Lind, on Tiktok, the Hot Girl Walk was born when she was stuck at home quarantining with her family instead of at USC where she was an undergrad. The Hot Girl Walk is simply a walk where instead of entertaining yourself or distracting yourself you spend the time thinking of all 3 things: Your goals, what you are grateful for, and how hot you are.

I love it. It’s such a simple formula — but of course, instead of a Hot Girl Walk, I go on Hot Mom Walks. My Hot Mom Walks are filled with gratitude, and also self-confidence boosting hip swings, but also I like to reflect on my goals for my self-growth: How am I doing? Am I treating myself well this week? Is gratitude landing the same as it did last week? What about my Mom Guilt is she still as loud as last week - how will I acknowledge her but also say no thank you? 

It’s a simple time to stop and reflect - like I always say: Checking in with ourselves is the simplest way to start any amount of healing. On a walk you don’t take the time to fix anything, you just notice, and if my mind starts getting crazy ideas like abs really do matter, I remind myself that I am walking because, from the deepest part of my psyche, something told me that my perfect day included a walk. I dont need the perfect sculpted butt or the tonest arms on the block. I just need to use this time to remember myself, to give myself the attention I so deserve, and to look around and really savor some really simple gratitude. 

We could go into the research on walking (or savoring too!) and I’m sure I could find a few studies to support the 3 miles I do each day, but I am going to go simple here - for me a Hot Mom Walk works. And maybe for you it’s something different. When I was doing the High-Intensity workouts they felt right, like just suck it up and do it Stef because it’s worth it right. But I never really wanted to do them - I want to walk every day. I enjoy it it doesn’t feel like exercise.

GoodAF Mom Gratitude Practice:

I would encourage you to sit for a few minutes sometime this week and try out The Perfect/Ideal Day journalling prompt. Try it - go from when you wake up until you hit the pillow and try to be detailed. Then look at the things you wrote. Where can you tweak your daily routine to be more in alignment with what you deeply desire? And how can you make your life a little more fun? For me it’s the Hot Mom Walk - we shall see what it is for you! Thanks for reading and remember you are already a Good AF Mom! - Stef

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