When Things Go Wrong

Just because of the nature of emotions and how the brain functions, it’s much easier to offer you advice when I am feeling good. When my mind is clear, I can access my accumulated knowledge on well-being and gracious living. It’s much harder to share when I F-ed up — when things go bad.

But I am committed to the practice of imperfect parenting — and to do that means not ‘acting’ perfect online either. And so I will be honest with you here.

I threw a massive Mom Tantrum this morning — my son started screaming from the backseat but would not tell me why. And when I slowed down the car and looked at him in the rearview mirror, he kept screaming and refused to say one word. This triggered me, and I slammed on the brake of the car, making the car bounce with fury, and screamed: “Are you hurt!! Do we need to pull over!! What is going on!!! You need to tell me right now!” — like uncomfortably loudly. Looking back, I know I did it to scare him into reacting because nothing else had worked, and I needed an answer as we were in the middle of the road.

Turns out he had a loose tooth that had taken a sharp turn on a bagel, and he was in excruciating pain 🤦‍♀️.

If you have baggage of any sort, Mom Tantrums will happen from time to time. And This morning sh%t got real.

I felt helpless and unseen and really out of control — although, at the time, I was feeling really in control, in control of my anger.

And my anger was valid, but the way I acted was not. The tantrum I threw. It was not ok. We are just out there living and trying to heal, and sh%t happens. We can do the work and get to a place of GoodAF; still, sh%t can happen. Do I feel extraordinarily bad right now? Yes. Do I also know that it’s just another day and moment in time and that I am ultimately OK, a good mom who makes mistakes? Yes, that too.

But no amount of good feelings will make the hurt go away - at first.

I had to feel it, but I tried so hard not to this morning.

After I dropped the kids off at school, I went for my walk - and the first 2 miles were ok, but by the 3rd mile, I could feel the emotion welling up with no place to go but out. I thought I had managed it by breathing it out and connecting in a kind way when I dropped my son off - but no, it was bigger than that.

So I drove home, and I sat down and cried. Like really cried. I allowed myself to acknowledge that what I did was wrong. I let myself get angry for all the valid reasons I should have been — I was driving and couldn’t see the problem, anyone else in the car could have jumped to help but they didn’t — and my son is hard when it comes to injuries. There have been so many times before where problems not this huge were portrayed to be. I was angry and needed to feel it.

I was also hurt. I didn’t want to yell and scream at my 11-year-old child. He was hurt. He was in pain, and I made him more afraid because I used fear to get him to respond. I don’t want to be that type of mother where my feelings matter more than his. And I take responsibility for that. There really isn’t a moment in life that constitutes a freakout where fear should be the parenting tactic. Getting mad and telling someone how you feel is important — but a Mom Tantrum like this, no.

But they happen — in fact, since I haven’t had one in over a year or two, actually made me feel worse — like everything I work on every day and everything I talk to you all about is for nothing. But in reality, that’s not true. Once I sat to feel my pain, I knew that I would be OK, I knew that I had made a mistake, but that mistake didn’t make me a Bad Mom. And it reminded me of the GoodAF Mom Pep Talk #5 on the podcast, where I remind you that: Moms make mistakes too.

And that’s what I said to myself: Moms make mistakes too. I will chalk this one up to bad circumstances and move on — of course, not until I make it right with my son this afternoon.

Once I calmed down, that’s when I listed a bunch of things to be grateful for - the house was empty when I came home, so I could wail freely. I had an extra hour today because of afterschool classes so this self-care time wouldn’t cut into my working hours. And I had my kids and my life. And the next time they freaked out, I could point to my own freak out and said — me too. I get it. Life’s hard, buddy. Me too. - Stef

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Embracing Intentional Parenting

This weekend I killed my son’s betta fish.

And it's true I did - I killed Felix. We had bought him that day, and I was worried that he would be cold overnight because we had overlooked buying a heater, so I wrapped his little tank with a heating pad crossing my fingers that it would work. And it did — a little too well. I cooked his fish overnight.

Of course, waking up to my son’s tears was horrible.

But then my son said to me, “We are going out RIGHT NOW and getting a NEW FISH,” and I got triggered - I crankily said back to him, “We are not getting any new fish until you do the proper research, which neither of us did and that's really why he died!” This, unfortunately, is imperfect parenting in action. 

I’m sure this story inspires empathy, like, “Wow, that's one of those situations you could feel really sh%tty about even a week later, and I'm so sorry.” And thank you, I appreciate it, but I am actually OK. I regret making myself feel better by passing some of the blame onto my 11-year-old’s lack of fish research. After all, I am the parent, and I should have done some myself before spending $22 on a fish. And he certainly didn't need me to throw it back on him when he felt super sad about his mother killing his new friend.

So yeah, I feel guilty about that, but do I feel like a Bad Mother? Do I want to run away and cry in my closet, filled with shame? Actually, no, I don't. 

And that’s a massive improvement for me. I never was a “sh%t happens” kind of person. I have always been an “it’s totally my fault, and this mistake defines me now” type.

And so this fish incident is a moment I will hold on to because it reminds me that it's one thing to have an intention - but it's another to take that intention seriously. 

I take my intention to be a happier human seriously by reminding myself daily of it and taking the repeated action of gratitude to achieve it. And without taking those series of steps, or what I call parenting with gratitude™, over the past four years, again and again, I would have had a much worse weekend than I did. 

Parenting with gratitude™ is the simple equation that I have developed over the years to take what was once a fleeting wish of showing up for my kids as loving and kind most of the time - and make it a reality, 

I want to share the recipe that has made Parenting with Gratitude™ really work for me, and it is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

And the first step is Intention - in fact, I call it my GoodAF Mom Intention, which for me these days is to be a happier human and to be kind. 

That doesn’t mean all the time. It means more than yesterday or being a little less hard on myself the next time I murder a fish. And because I know at some point you reached an “enough is enough” moment or two, and you decided that something needed to change, I will stress that this GoodAF Mom Intention, the one that anchors you, will be the most crucial part to taking the steps to parent differently. 

Over the years, my intention has morphed and changed as I have grown and rediscovered the parts of me that were a little bit lost.  And as my intention became just figuring out how to be happy, I also learned that I didn’t have to be happy all the time to make this change. It was the intention that mattered. It's what changed my focus and fueled my inner healing. 

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But having an intention is not enough - it really is about what you do next.

My intention to be a happy human affected my attention. I began to look for things that made me happy, and the most obvious were my kids. Just watching them show up every day made me happy. I was grateful to be with them each day. My intention got me to a place I had never stayed for a very long time - where I stopped pushing myself to be better and just took the time to observe, to watch what I already had - and it was pretty great.  Sure, we can wish things to be different, but unlike what we were told as children, knowing is actually NOT half the battle. 

In fact, this is what Dr. Laurie Santos, cognitive scientist and host of The Happiness Lab, calls the G.I.Joe Fallacy.

To quote Santos, “We actually have to do all kinds of stuff other than just knowing stuff to change our behavior. If we really want to change our behavior, we have to change habits. We can’t just learn the stuff.”

The phrase “Knowing is half the battle” is actually dead wrong. We can’t just learn that gratitude will make us happier or that self-reflection is the simplest form of self-care. According to Santos, we have to do it - not just once, but change our habits (or the series of learned behaviors we have formed over time). This is why even though Action is crucial to parenting with gratitude, it’s the repeating action of being grateful in many, many, many different ways that lead to real, lasting change. 

According to a 2015 study that looked at why some people act on their dreams to become entrepreneurs while others only think and dream, it was determined that the key to the implementation of an intention - the DOING instead of just the knowing - boiled down to having what they called a “commitment devices.” 

These commitment devices can come in two forms.  One relies on self-regulation and was introduced by Peter Gollwitzer in 1999, called “Implementation Intention.” Basically, once you set a clear goal with achievable steps, you can also attach it to existing experiences through an “if-then” plan. Basically, thinking through what you will do in certain situations that may challenge your intention or goal. The simplest form of an implementation intention is every time you touch the front doorknob, you say keys inside your head. Here are some others:

• “I intend to run daily, so I will lay out my running clothes each night and keep my headphones by the door.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention for this situation could be to think about running and how good it feels every night when you lay out your clothes.

• “I intend to stop yelling, so I will take a moment after it is over to notice what types of things are running through my head.” Great specific goal and intention. Your implementation intention for this goal could be reminding yourself repeatedly (when you aren’t yelling) that Moms make mistakes too, and the pause and the repair after yelling is the most important part to teach your kids. It’s not about yelling, it’s about what you do after.

• “I intend to be more grateful. Therefore, I will write five things daily while drinking my coffee.” Great specific goal and intention. Your Implementation Intention would be when you think about drinking your coffee as you go to bed, say gratitude list. The association between the two will eventually become part of your brain’s automatic systems in the morning.

The other was an accountability device - So telling someone that you were going to start a gratitude journal or you intend to work on your mental health this year is a catalyst for creating action, for bridging the gap from intention to action because generally, as a species we strive for favorable opinions of our peers.

You can do it.

Using the knowledge of behavioral scientists mixed with my parenting with gratitude™ formula, we can become attuned to what we want and how we will get it. This customizes our goal and makes it achievable because it's not about what other people want or even what we may have thought we wanted two weeks ago.

Let’s try the formula together:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results you can see and feel.

• What is your intention? Maybe it’s to show up as your best self and to parent differently.

• What attention does this intention need? Well, what is my “best self” in the first place? This is where self-reflection comes in very handy. Maybe your “best self” can come to the surface once all the Mom Guilt and shame of making mistakes has subsided.

• What are the repeatable steps you will take to get to a place where Mom Guilt feels less like shame and mistakes feel more like learning opportunities? 

Well, for me, I chose gratitude. A committed daily practice of remembering all the good things I do for others and what they do for me proved I wasn’t bad, and it has detached me completely from shame, from only identifying as a Bad Mom. Rooting out daily moments of gratitude has allowed me to see my inner goodness, it has allowed me to access my best self without fear of internal judgment, and it has given me the freedom to keep making the mistakes so vital to learning. 

Sure, I may be a fish murderer, but that doesnt automatically qualify me as a Bad Mom – I am a Good AS Fuck Mom who made a mistake. And you are a Good Mom, too – so find an intention statement that works for you, one that, with a bit of attention, you can bridge the gap to action and finally see results. 

Once you ask yourself the hard questions, make a list of ways to take action, and use me as an accountability partner, join my email list and hit reply, or DM me on Instagram I’ll listen. And if you're stuck for an intention, I know you are reading because maybe you have had enough or you are curious about what it would take to be more fun, well maybe for the next week you can try this one for size:

I intend to parent differently by committing to the daily practice of gratitude. 

Don’t you ever forget you have all the pieces to the equation. And you are a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

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How Can I Grow as Mother?

A fresh take on motherhood can follow these steps: reflecting, remembering, and reorientating, which can lead to new growth.

• Reflecting on what you need.

• Remembering the statistics of being a human.

• Reorientating our mindsets to focus on what we can control.

Reflecting on what you need (i.e. what is working, and what is not).

Do you have enough time to reflect at all? Are you resting enough? What are you loving about your days? These are the areas that need checking from time to time. I believe that the simplest form of self-care is self-reflection and no amount of “me time” is going to cut it if I also don’t look inside and listen to the messages contained within.

For most of us, scheduling time for rest and reflection is actually at the very wrong end of our to-do list. It’s a thing that we try to squeeze in here and there on weekends and vacations. And when we do that, it’s giving the message to our brains that it doesn't matter that much to us - it’s an extra. Instead, the message our brains receive is the things we choose to do every day before we rest are actually what’s most important.

Remembering the statistics of being a human…at all.

Have you heard of Gary Vaynerchuk? He’s a marketing guy turned motivational speaker. I have been following Gary Vee since 2008, and I read his book called Crush It because I wanted to learn how to navigate the growing social media world and get it in front of more moms. 

He has this thing he says about being alive - that is straight existential gratitude in action and something I think we need to think about when turning over a new leaf.

He says:
“400 trillion to 1, those are the odds of becoming a human being. You are more likely to win the lotto 10 times in your life, then actually having a life… So no more dwelling, no more complaining, right now, wrap your head around this ridiculous gift you were given, it’s called life.”

I think about this a lot when I am feeling low, and even though gratitude has a way of putting everything into perspective, sometimes I need a dose of the strong stuff, existential gratitude – and it never fails to stop me and shake me out of my “not good enough” trance. We are lucky to be here at all, let’s start there and hold ourselves accountable to this one special life. 

Of course, that also feels like a lot of pressure too. So let’s break that down. It’s not about valuing your life as sacred and being so careful with it you dont make mistakes. For me this mind-opening exercise is about reminding myself to notice life, to allow myself the opportunities to feel emotions deeply instead of avoid them, and to stop placing blame on other people for what may be going wrong.

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Reorientating our mindsets to focus on what we can control (and not on what we can not).

The average adult makes 35000 decisions a day according to research, and delegating can be important to lightening this load but what you are really doing when you delegate is simplifying your decision-making throughout your day. When you no longer have to decide whether to do laundry before you head off to work or when you get home your world gets a little lighter - and clearer!

We can do this by establishing more rigid routines and cutting stupid decisions and power struggles from our lives - like if he wants to wear his PJs to target let him. Another option is to habit stack tasks, so when you fold the clothes, put the ones for tomorrow on top of the dresser as you put the others away so that you don’t have to think about what to wear for at least one or two days a week. 

You can make your car a no-decision zone too - keep water, snacks, diapers, and wipes in your center console, have a separate pair of sunglasses that live in there versus the ones you constantly lose in the house, and keep a sweatshirt or two for the park as well.

Basically “Type A Mom” is the s#%t out of your life. And that sounds like a nightmare - don’t do it. Find another way to limit your daily decisions instead. Fewer choices mean faster decisions and a happier life Mama.

Finally, when we chose gratitude each day, we choose to focus on the positive over the negative in our lives. No this does not mean the negative will go away, in fact, it will still be there but we can choose to focus our mental energy on the good in our lives which ofter goes overlooked because the negative is so loud or heavy. And I hope that you start by reminding yourself you are a GoodAF Mom - Stef

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Being Grateful for What Sucks

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You are not broken Mama, and you don’t need fixing.

Ok, so I am not the only person that has said this to you before, huh? I am sure that you have seen it on Instagram or Pinterest in a cute graphic, but what does “you don’t need fixing” really mean?

Well, when you are in a “fixing” mindset, everything needs to be fixed; things need a hard look and need to be rearranged or changed in some way. So if you’re sad - you need to be not sad; if your sink is full of dishes, that s#$% needs to change.

And if you identify as a woman, this is a story that you have been told since you were born. You’re too loud, you’re not polite enough, your dress is too short, and you're broken in so many ways you never knew you were - you thought you were whole, but the world told you, you were not.

And, of course, as mothers, we are told a new set of things that we are not doing well. And it makes us anxious and keeps us busy constantly fixing.  And as a community, we are not feeling ourselves anymore. We are tired AF and fed up.

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And it’s true its not just our psyches telling us to shape up, everywhere we turn, someone is offering to FIX us and make it all better – You are parenting TOO much! and working TOO hard! and not caring for yourselves ENOUGH! OMG would you REST! But all we want is to make it through another day, eager to slip off quietly into the solitary peace of the post-bedtime routine scroll until we pass the F out.

I call this the Modern Parenting Set Up.

Needless to say, our negative leaning mindsets are not totally our fault. And the worst part of that is our brains are wired to stay vigilant to survive, so we avoid failure, and we take our mistakes very, very seriously - some would say too seriously based on our advanced environments and the relative safety our communities provide, there isn’t a tiger in every bush anymore.

So yes, we need reminding that we are not broken. We are GoodAF moms living in a messy and still evolving world. And fixing ourselves to make it all better isn’t necessarily the key. What actually needs to happen is we need to teach ourselves to look through a new lens - one that sees the world for what it is without the judging and survival instincts we carry around. 

Let's use an example: Say you walk into your toddler's room, and their room is a disaster, like toys are just like — everywhere. And immediately, obviously, you're overwhelmed. But then the next thing that comes through is: Wow, I am raising a lazy and entitled child, and I'm doing a horrible job. 

Now, back up, and go back into the room and try to lose the fixing mindset. Bring a curious, non-judgmental view instead: Wow, there are toys on the ground. Okay, what are toys for? to be played with. And without trying to fix the situation, we can see that what is happening in this room is actually a well-lived toddler life. This is a good childhood. We get to a place of wow, I'm a really good parent because I've provided the things that my child needs. And they're playing with them.  And they're growing and learning and developing as a human. And that's amazing. 

Looking around our house at the places where society has told us to think one way and actually put down the fixing mindset and look at it as what it is:

• Wow, that's a sink full of dishes and a messy kitchen floor OR Wow, That's a well-fed family. 

• Or Wow, that's a cluttered living room OR Wow, look at all the fantastic memories that room holds. 

• Let’s try another one - Look at all the crap in the garage I will never be able to park there again OR Wow, thats a lot of memories we have made together, and look at all the fun sports and activities we do as a family. 

None of these observations say you have to stop there and leave the toys on the floor or the crap in the garage, it’s about reframing your reaction to the stuff, to your environment that usually sends you directly to a place of overwhelm because it’s all just too much.  But that ‘too much’ Mama - that’s the result of a well-lived life. That’s family life.

There are a lot of people in your house, and they are doing things – they are busy growing and wearing fresh clean clothes and staying healthy with showers and baths and blueberries they drop all over the floor.

Your kids are ok. You are doing an amazing job - and you just have to look around to find the proof of that.  And so ‘stop fixing’ actually can lead to acceptance, which can actually lead to realizing that you're actually a really good parent - in fact, you are Good AF. And yes, the mantra this week is “You are Not Broken. You are perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully whole” download it for free no email required! I hope this mindset shift helps you the coming new year. - Stef

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Gracious Mealtimes with Alison Mountford

Podcast Guest:

Alison Mountford

Chef, Food Waste Expert and Mom

Alison and I chatted recently on the Podcast about family mealtimes, food waste, and what its like to parent differently than our mothers.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

OUR QUESTION TODAY WAS THE FOLLOWING:

What’s the difference between a picky eater and a child who knows what they like and don’t like? And where do you draw the line and say forget it when it comes to offering the same foods repeatedly?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation and Alison’s advice.

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Alison: So to me, the clear difference between a picky eater and an opinionated one is their attitude and willingness to taste it.

If you gave my kid pasta with a marinara sauce he's going to go “I don't like that” but has he tasted it? No, so he is solidly in the category of Picky Eater. Or if you give a kid of food and they don't comment on it, they taste it, they give it a fair chance — and they have a good attitude and some curiosity about trying a new thing even if they're a little hesitant but they try it and they can intelligently talk about why, like “this was a little too spicy for me” or “it was really tangy” or “I don't love the texture of this” then that is the point where you can say “Okay well just like Grandma doesn't eat brussels sprouts. You are allowed to have an opinion and say you don't like this food or you did not enjoy it prepared this way.”

But the pickiness really comes in when they have no willingness or when they're clearly with their attitude and their demeanor demonstrating that they're unwilling to try something because it's not familiar to them — or because they actively think they will dislike it but without ever having tried it. So that's a big difference.

I would give a shout-out to all the toddler moms out there who can't really figure out if it's picky or an opinion because there isn't the language around that and that opens up another conversation around teaching language and really talking about your own food.

Alison: So I would I would default till like pre six years old and just assume it's pickiness. But maybe even give them more of the benefit of the doubt than just pickiness which I think has an icky kind of connotation. It's like as soon as you say picky eating everyone gets all ratcheted up about it. I would not say maybe let's not call them picky eaters but let's say if they're younger than 6 or seven years old they're just not experienced. So don't ever write anything off unless it's an allergy and then again, that's not picky. But younger than 6 or 7 I would not allow them to fall into any category quite yet.

What about offering the same food again and again and again?

Alison: You have to serve food in a variety of ways. Maybe one day you have spinach as part of a saute, maybe another time you have it with a lot of garlic. Maybe you try it with balsamic. Maybe you put it chopped up with cheese in a stuffed shell — and just sort of over the course of many years they will be able to experience this one food in a lot of different ways and then maybe they'll find one way that they like it. I would truly say that everybody doesn't stop experiencing foods in different ways. You can always learn to like new foods. So I don't think it's too late for anybody.

Talk about these things openly, learning to like new foods, changing your mind about things, trying things in different ways, trying things at your friend's house or at a restaurant or cooked by somebody else. But what I wouldn't want to do is put the same piece of spinach in front of a kid for 17 years and say no dessert until you eat that spinach. or “I know you didn't like it for the last eleven years, but we're still gonna keep trying this” but I would never allow myself to write off a food without really good reason that they will never like it.

Some other takeaways from our conversation:

• The pressure to meal prep on the weekends is just that, pressure. If you enjoy cooking, then great meal prep on the weekends, but if you would rather be hiking or shopping, then you can easily get by with 30-minute meals on the weeknights.

• Restaurants are much better when it comes to food waste than our own homes. We tend to overbuy and then throw away lots of unused food. At a restaurant, the only person throwing away food is the consumer if they order too much.

• Picking hobbies like cooking and gardening can help to teach our children the valuable skill of waiting - which is essential to combating entitlement in our on-demand society.

You can learn more about Ends & Stems and Alison’s awesome 30-minute recipes that reduce food waste at EndsandStems.com and make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

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The Parents Day of Rest 2022

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For years I lost the sparkle of the holidays, and I couldn’t figure out why - and then I realized that even though kid’s Christmas crafts are fun and the music reminded me of being a kid, I liked so much more than just the kid stuff around the holidays.

And so I started the Parents’ Day of Rest, where I indulge in everything I love about the season - Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole, old black and white movies, and dark chocolate, to name a few - and I also took a break. I used it as a real excuse to take a REST right in the middle of the craziest week of the year. And do you know what? The sparkle was BACK, baby. I felt joy, whimsy, and the delight the holidays can fill your heart with. Join me this year, won’t you? Use the hashtag #parentsdayofrest on IG and share what you do! 

Save the Date: Parents’ Day of Rest every December 21st

Gratitude Practice: Love and Kindness Body Scan

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Let’s do a ‘parenting with gratitude exercise where we focus on our bodies. Every few posts or so, I try to give you another gratitude exercise to try because I want you to have that moment when things click, that you say, “Oh yeah, it’s so simple I just have to breath” or “Damnit I AM a Good AF mom — that’s right.” 

I think it’s important to offer a variety of options for you using the catalyst of gratitude - we have done regimented practices like lists and alarms and more creative, fast-paced ones like rapid-fire gratitude and family fun – but we haven’t dropped into the body - that grounding place we carry with us at all times. 

Focusing on our bodies and their experiences during our changing emotional states is called a somatic approach. Yes, some of the exercises somatic therapists use involve breathing, dance, or meditation – but hang on with me a bit if that is too woo for you. What I am suggesting is not some ecstatic dance; I am interested in helping you to tune in with the messages your body is trying to tell you when maybe your brain just wants to keep you nice and busy. 

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For example, when I am feeling sad, and I feel it in my body, it feels like a deep dark hole in my heart, and anxiety, well, that’s a really somatic emotion where we can feel tight or vibration or agitation that rips through - that one is hard to miss. And yes, these are the more obvious and uncomfortable emotions, but I also feel gratitude in my body, like a warm light shining from my heart.  

And there are so many more - everyone has their individualized body sensations. When we are busy, not paying attention, or just caught up in modern parenting life, we can miss the more subtle cues our bodies are trying to tell us, like - “That doesn’t feel like the right choice” or “I dont really like talking to her.” And these missed moments can contribute to our feelings of uneasiness in our lives or just general dissatisfaction. 

Typically in these practice articles, I share exercises that work for me to self-reflect, contribute somehow to my long-term healing, or offer self-compassion — all using the prompt of gratitude — and since I feel like I have skipped the body up until this point, I started to sort through my days and experiences to see if I could offer a few somatic options.

A real basic and something we haven’t talked about much on the blog is a body scan, and as soon as I thought of it, I was like, duh, Stef – because I wrote an entire book for kids based on a body scan called The Middle of the Night Book.

A body scan is the perfect example of a somatic exercise you can do to check in with yourself and see just where your body is at. And a body scan is something you can do with or without having to experience a significant and possibly crappy emotion coursing through it. I love the extra attention it gives to the different microclimates of my body and the curiosity and openness it requires. In Buddhism, they call those microclimates feeling tones and typically label them as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral to take some of the mind triggers and judgment out of the process. 

To do a Love and Kindness Body Scan you don’t have to be lying down or in a meditative state - you can simply be sitting in the school pick-up line or feeding your baby a bottle, and you bring your attention to specific body parts. Start from your feet and move part by part up your body, and at each part, you pause and say something kind like Thank you for your support feet, or I send you love and warmth legs - yes, it may feel cheesy but trust me your body does not care. Take your time and go all the way up your body saying these kindnesses and gratitudes – and once you are done, you can offer that baby you're holding the same love and kindness, or if you are alone, then the world - may all beings everywhere be loved and at peace.

This is a simple way I give myself the attention I so deserve. And you deserve it too. Using this type of preventative self-care is vital so that when you do feel a deep and wide emotion like grief or anger, allowing it to be there will be your first step, noticing it and then offering it kindness - I see you deep dark hollow in my chest, I am not going to run away this time. I offer you love and kindness, and respect the messages you may bring up.

We are complex beings who sometimes get stuck inside our heads, I sure do, and the messages up there are hit or miss. The body never lies. It will tell you just what you need to know - it’s just whether or not you take the time to listen. - Stef

Gratitude Will Save Your Motherhood

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Gratitude will save your motherhood - it saved mine.

Inside each of these blog posts, I hope you find something that resonates with you and helps you feel like a GoodAF mom - because you are! Maybe it’s gratitude, maybe it’s help with caregiver burnout, or maybe it’s mindfulness, I know you will find what works for you.

No matter the method, I know that checking in with ourselves is the simplest way to start any amount of healing.

So if you are unsure what to do next - I would start with self-reflection. And if you are looking for the next step after that, I would try offering a small piece of self-compassion - like “Wow, that is hard” or “Yeah, that’s unfair.”

But if you are looking for a system or a step-by-step path to follow, day after day, you can give gratitude a try.

I like to call that system parenting with gratitude. Why does gratitude matter to parenting? Well, I have been parenting for 14 years. And in the past 14 years, I have felt Mom Guilt, shame, isolation, resentment, burnout, self-doubt, and the list goes on.

And underneath it all lived another issue - right? It was a self-worth issue. A not-good-enough issue. It was rooted in the idea that I was a bad mom. And that issue clouded over everything I did - it was a mindset.

Every time I walked into a room, I brought that mindset with me - the mess on the floor = somehow my fault, the leaky faucet = should have dealt with it this weekend, the breakfast no one ate = I should have listened to what they wanted. I was looking through a cloud.

But as soon as I deliberately started practicing gratitude, there was no argument that I was a good mom because I started to notice all the good things I did every day. I hadn’t been noticing them –  I was just focused on all the mistakes and failures that I was making. Because of that low self-worth cloud.

Parenting with gratitude is not only about looking at the good and being complacent; it’s about realigning your mindset to focus on the good so that you can clear out all that negative self-worth talk, and you can say, “Ok, I am starting from a place of good parenting. I am a good mom who makes mistakes” and then you can go from there.

Gratitude builds upon itself from one day to the next –That’s why I like it so much. Using a daily system, I notice the effects of my effort more quickly - and when I do, I want to do more!  I want to notice more good things, and I want to do more good things for my kids and for others! I notice that I am a good mom, and I have great kids!!

I hope it works for you too! - Stef

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Mindful Sleep - with Sleep Consultant Yasmin Johnston

Podcast Guest:

Yasmin Johnston:

pediatric sleep consultant and mom.

Yasmin and I chatted recently on the Podcast about toddler sleep disruptions, what a night doula is, and so much more.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

Your Question for the POdcast

Podcast Question

Our question today was the following:

My almost 4-year-old has developed a bad habit of waking in the middle of the night and coming into my room to ask for water, milk, etc, every night, and I am exhausted. What do I do? Also, should I hire a night doula to get some sleep, and then they can teach him not to get up?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation and Yasmin's advice. First I asked her just what a Night Doula is:

Yasmin: “So a Night Doula, you'd be hiring them on and they're typically not doing the sleep training. They might do some education or helping with setting the boundaries. But they may not have the experience in the formal sleep training when it comes to toddlers. A night doula can be a little bit pricey, especially depending on where you live so there's that to consider. A sleep consultant in this situation would help you with figuring out the different boundaries that work for your family, and doing the formal sleep training. Usually within two to three weeks for one set price you're able to have your child sleeping in their bed all night.”

So if you want to correct the behavior and want to give it a try on your own to start, what should you do?

Yasmin: “The thing that we want to achieve here is to correct this behavior. You know toddlers, they love to push boundaries and so once it's allowed, like you let something happen one time, they think that it's okay to do this every single time and so it's putting that firm boundary in place; “It's time for sleep.” You can do water before they go to bed and say, “Okay this is our last chance for water” or since the child is a little bit older if they don't have issues with going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you can allow them to have a water bottle in their room. Just know that they may be getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and so then you have to think about are they going to require your assistance if they have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? But for milk I usually say, “We don't do milk at night, if you need water you have a water bottle in your bed or on your nightstand.”

Some other takeaways from our conversation:

• Personally, I love to have a list of clear rules for bedtime. Start these early, like when they are a baby, and keep it to 2 or 3 very specific items. My kids had the following rules: Calm body, Quiet Mouth, Stay in your Bed. Say them every night or when you leave the room which could be multiple times a night lol!

• You can also use a nighttime checklist they can consult BEFORE calling you - you can sign up for my free checklist below.

• And finally, and probably the most crucial step to a successful bedtime: Connection.

Yasmin: “The mom has to go to work all day right? So, she's going to work and then when she gets home it's just craziness, getting dinner done, doing this, doing that, and then bedtime — but slowing down and taking 10 minutes of connection time with with your child before bed — especially if you're away from each other all day matters. They're going to need that little bit of connection time: whether it's active play, or sitting down together and reading a book together, or even just having the child pick an activity and you sit there and play along — but without being too inquisitive, without asking your child a million questions. Just saying things like “Oh, I love that you chose the red car, I'm going to choose a red car too” Letting them know that you value their choices and their likes and dislikes and really being fully into them during that play time is enough.”

You can learn more about Mindful Sleep and Yasmin’s offerings on her website mindfulsleepconsulting.com and make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

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Learning to Let Go of Resentment

Letting go exercises Listen today!

This will sound weird, but Beyoncé helped me to deal with my resentment. Specifically, the resentment around my partner not helping - after we had our first baby, sure, but even later once we had two, and they were much older. The resentment and indignation had built up - and bitterness had taken over my mind and thoughts.

Let’s be honest, parenthood is not evenly balanced in this country, and most of the weight still lands on mothers. So, when I tell you that I am carrying less resentment than ever before, you may be surprised. After all, it feels like a natural part of parenthood these days, doesn’t it?

During her HBO special Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown shared that the emotion of resentment was NOT in the anger family as she had previously believed – an emotions researcher had clarified to her that resentment was actually part of the Envy family, 

It was a bit of a shocker for me to hear that – the injustices of our culture, the unfair emotional load inside my own home - that shit made me mad. 

And so I had to take a hard look at my resentment (and there was plenty to look at) — and well, crap. envy was the real culprit, and the anger was just a reaction to it all. 

As I looked over many of my mothering years, I could see envy play out in each and every painful instance of bitterness. Some were harder than others to equate to envy - but some were pretty obvious: Resenting friends who traveled during the pandemic quarantine - yep, that was actually envy. Resenting my mother-in-law for taking up so much of my time, yep, envy, because she was more engaged than my own. Resenting the moms who looked like they stepped off the Met Gala red carpet at school pick up, yep, I was definitely envious of their sense style because I never know where to start. 

I have always been jealous of my husband’s role as a non-primary parent. Maybe you have been too? Non-primary caregivers (still largely a role played by men) have a different experience in this country. While we get to know ourselves as entirely new people, they get up every day and go to work. My husband kept his same friends, his same after-work happy hours, and his same commute. And then, when he was home, he was a parent, TOO – how could resentment not grow out of that? 

And after more than a decade of parenting together, not much has changed. He still has a very different experience living (and thriving!?) within parenthood. Yes, he is an actively engaged parent. He takes large swaths of the weekends to play with the kids so I can disappear, he cleans up after them, and throws a few activity books in a bag when we go out to dinner (without me asking!!) – but his identity just hadn’t morphed in the drastic ways that mine has over the years.

Flashing back to the shitshow that was 2020, we are suddenly thrown into a global crisis together, and boom! things got really obvious. Sure I had been a parent for ten years, but I hadn’t been “on” like this since the newborn days: full-time parenting, crisis schooling, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for four people every. single. day. and trying to maintain my business, writing, and creative outlets (ha!). Peak resentment level - unlocked! 

Do you remember what it felt like? Life had dramatically changed, but my partner’s had only changed slightly: he was home now, and bonus! it came with homemade meals. The bitterness reached critical mass when it became the first thing on my mind every single day as I rolled myself out of bed. All the ways this situation was unfair to me and not to him screaming to fill the void – yeah, not such a great way to start your day.

This habit of rumination took me forever to notice, but when I did, I didn’t like it. I didn't like waking up in a “mood.” We were already going through so much as a family my children and my partner did not need me starting off on the wrong foot. And so, I decided to give the practice of noticing my thoughts a try every morning as I woke up.

And I did this for a while, maybe two or three weeks! And as I noticed all the negativity that lived inside my morning fog, I also noticed a competing force. I actually could hear something else. Songs. At first, it was frustrating too, like: Why am I constantly fighting with these songs that are stuck in my head!? I'm trying to listen for my resentment! I was trying hard not to let my wrath take charge of my day, but all I could hear was Justin Beiber or Beyoncé.

And then one day, I was like – you know what? I need to start listening to these songs because they're consistently around and not going away. And I gave up fighting them and began to listen every morning. And the songs were really quite upbeat. This was amazing because it was just what I had been looking for – moments of feeling good and uplifted. And so every morning I listened, grabbed onto the hook, and held on for dear life – and it would get me through the day.

And slowly, as I switched my attention to the songs, the resentful thoughts faded.

And now, two years later, I get excited to wake up each morning to see what songs are in my head – because I think it’s my subconscious trying to give me a message: Okay, today you need to focus on this or reflect on that from yesterday – use this song. It's a rewarding and enriching experience I have with myself every morning. And it's because I had the courage to look at my habitual thoughts – my envy – and say, “What's going on here?” 

We aren’t all going to wake up to the Queen B, but there are plenty of opportunities for healing that are right under our noses. When we stop giving all our attention to our habitual thoughts (especially to those rooted in emotions that aren’t what they seem - resentment, I’m looking at you) and try out the simple practice of just noticing, we can take a more thoughtful approach to our daily lives, and even open up a little room for something a bit more Irreplaceable. - Stef

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A Connected, Calm, Baby Bedtime Routine

Are you struggling to get your baby to sleep independently?

(Have a toddler? Click here).

Despite the stories, songs, books, and music, your child still needs you to fall asleep, and the whole song and dance of a “routine” is starting to feel frustrating. Well, I hear you on that - a routine does seem like a big waste of time if you are going to spend another hour sitting in their room bouncing or rocking or soothing.

So let’s figure this out. Let’s review a few questions that may seem counterintuitive but could help ease this all-to-common parenting battle.

What do you want?

Obviously, it’s sleep. And while you want what’s best for your baby, you also want sleep. Don’t underestimate the importance of your needs during these next few months.

I will get to the tips below, but I want to ensure you are 100% on board. Sometimes we do things because we think there is a certain “way” to do them and speaking from years of experience as a professional nanny, there is not one way. So there’s room for it to be your way.

Questions to consider before moving forward, with no right answers, only what feels right for you:

• Do you want to sleep alone at night? Or do you want to sleep with your child?

• What does your partner want?

• What is most important to you to develop now: connection, empathy, independence, or self-soothing skills?

• Do you want more kids? Or is this your last child?

• Where do YOU want to sleep right now? In their room with them? or your bed with your partner? Or everybody in your room or bed?

Determining the answers to these questions may be challenging, which is ok. We have many decisions made daily, and it can sometimes feel overwhelming. When I feel that way, I lean on what I call my GoodAF Mom intention - my “Why”: I intend to show up as my best self for my kids. Do you know why? Science shows that a mother’s level of contentment has twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

Twice.

Maybe that freaks you out a little - I certainly feel overwhelmed, but maybe we can look at it differently...

Maybe it means that you matter.

And what you want matters, Mama. If you are not being true to yourself, you act in ways that don’t feel right. And so you got to stop and CHOOSE YOURSELF.

That’s why I asked those questions initially - because you matter. I want you to be happy above all else.

And so, here are some ideas for a dreamy baby bedtime routine.

No matter where your baby sleeps, the number one priority of bedtime is connection. They are tired, their guard is down, and trust is essential to their nervous system. Connection helps a baby feel safe. And your second priority is predictability — for all the same reasons.

I know many parents who say they can’t stand a routined life, and although I am Type A, I understand. It’s just not how some people’s personalities work. If you are not into a 10-step baby bedtime routine, that is fine, choose 1 or 2 things that you do every night in the same order and then habit stack. Maybe the last thing you do before putting them in the crib is the same, and the last thing you do before walking out their door is also. Find what works and is predictable to them enough.

A baby's bedtime routine could look something like this:

During their nightly bath, you put your phone in another room and talk and play with them during those 10 minutes — like they are the only star in the sky. And then, when you get them out, always do the same thing. For example, you sing the same song as you towel dry them and put their lotion and diaper on; then you always say the same affirmation as you look in the mirror together and wave bye-bye to Mr.Rubber Ducky as you head to their room. See how there is a mix of connection and predictability to that routine?

Connection + Predictability = Calm Baby Bedtime

Connection is vital at bedtime because it helps stimulate the production of the love hormone Oxytocin. Oxytocin has been proven to lower stress levels in the body, especially by inhibiting the production of cortisol, the stress hormone that helps you wake up in the morning! Not great for bedtime.

Predictability is essential for young babies because their language skills are minimal. They use their super smart brains for pattern recognition, so if every night you put their sleep sack on before they go in their crib, this provides a signal for not only sleep but also for what part of the evening you are on - it’s close to the end, but it’s not the end yet. In fact, studies show the more predictable you are in your parenting style, the more emotional regulation your child will learn.

HERE ARE SOME OTHER TIPS:

• Come up with two or three rules that work for your family. These get recited every night multiple times. I know it seems “big kid” to have rules, but coming up with a catchphrase or something that is said every night is important for babies because it lays the groundwork for toddlerhood, and it is a predictable sleep cue.

• Make sure the time before bed is one of deep connection - that’s why books work so well. Feeling connected will help your child to feel safe and secure.

• If your baby screams when you put them down, and you don’t want to stay until they fall asleep, spend the money on a sleep consultant. It will be 100% worth it - much more than any SNOO or vibrating bed ever will be because a sleep consultant will teach you what you need to know for the sleep regressions to come, and there are a few!

• If your baby screams when you put them down, and you want to stay, make the room work for an adult. Put a twin mattress in there and get comfortable. My biggest regret is that I spend so many nights sleeping IN a crib with my youngest. My back still hurts. I think it’s ok to sleep in their room while they are babies - it really comes down to what you want and what you think you can handle right now. In the future, you can always adjust - don’t get caught up in society’s BS about unbreakable habits because there are none.

• If you bed share or have a co-sleeping crib and your baby wants you to stay, and you want to, then stay! Get some extra sleep and get up earlier the next day to do the dishes — or let your partner do it. You can do this for a few weeks and then begin the process of teaching them to sleep independently another time or you can do it for one night and go back to sleep learning. Connect, and don’t regret it.

• Learn about the three stages of sleep: Self-regulation, self-settling, and self-soothing. You can help with self-regulation or calming down: listen to lullabies together, or if that’s too stimulating, read a book like The Middle of the Night Book that teaches a body scan meditation. Self-settling is something they need to do on their own, that’s physiologically switching from an awakened mode to a sleep mode. You can help that process by providing a super dark room to sleep in. And then self-soothing is the method you use to regulate your emotions as you fall asleep. This skill also takes time to learn (like a lifetime) and is an independent sleep skill. When your child is very young, a pacifier, lovey, or something to hold will help them to feel connected to you, which can help with self-soothing. Make it easy to bridge the gap by sleeping with that item yourself before introducing it — so it smells like you.

  Most importantly, you feel confident about your bedtime choices, Mama. Your well-being and your health matter, And don’t forget - because you made it all the way to the end of this article (and even if you made it two sentences in), I know for a fact that you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef

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Toddler Sleep Tools

What should my toddler sleep in? and other questions about toddler sleep.

Let’s start by making sure you are in the right place. Do you have a toddler? Typically toddlers are grouped into a different category than babies because of the developmental milestones they are going through: mainly becoming a little less dependent on us for EVERYTHING — they are starting to walk, talk, and, unfortunately, climb, lol.

Typically, Toddlers are defined as children ages 15 months to 36 months. 

So what is the difference between a successful toddler sleep routine and their “baby” routine? Well, it starts with the desire to “Do It Myself!” and ends with eventually saying Good Bye to their crib. Want to create a dreamy toddler bedtime routine? Read more here.

These are the tools you will need for an amazing Toddler Bedtime

The Crib Zone:

Is your toddler still in a crib? OK, then, let’s make sure they have the following. Typically you make the crib-to-bed transition when your child reaches the height requirements for their crib, or they start climbing out — or in my opinion, if they ask for a big kid bed, I would jump on that momentum and say Yes!

• ✔️ yes, to a pillow, they make toddler-sized ones.

• ✔️ yes to a blanket (with out without a sleepsack, depending on the temp of your home)

• ✔️ yes to warm pajamas

• ✔️ yes to an “Ok to wake” toddler clock

• ✔️ yes to a waterbottle, if they wear pull-ups at night

• ✔️ yes to blackout curtains

• ✔️ yes to books or small toys to play with

• ✔️ yes to their bedtime routine book in their crib - like The Middle of the Night Book more here.

• ✔️ yes to introducing a simple bedtime visual checklist - get yours here.

If they are climbing out, but YOU are not ready then try the following:

• Keep them in a sleep sack if they are a climber - and put it on backward so they can’t unzip it.

• Try a Slumber Pod cover for their crib.

The Toddler Bed Zone:

This post is not about how to make a transition but more about what tools you will need. You want to ensure that your toddler has a lot of input regarding the choices around these tools, so if they have a water bottle in their bed, which ones? if they have books in their bed, which ones? etc. And if you have not introduced rules at bedtime, now it is time to devise three simple ones and repeat them 5 times a night or more.

• ✔️ yes to pillow

• ✔️ yes to a blanket and sheets - best to let them pick them out.

• ✔️ yes to warm pajamas - especially if they lose their blankets at night.

• ✔️ yes to an “Ok to wake” toddler clock

• ✔️ yes to a waterbottle, if they wear pull-ups at night

• ✔️ yes to blackout curtains

• ✔️ yes to books in bed, including their bedtime routine books like The Middle of the Night Book

• ✔️ yes to introducing a simple bedtime visual checklist - get yours here

• ✔️ yes to a wind-up flashlight for reading and playing quietly

• ✔️ yes to a super child-proofed room. Include locking closets and drawers you don’t want them to get into at the crack of dawn

• ✔️ yes to independent play options, these are important for morning independence: “You can play quietly until your light turns green”

• ✔️ yes to leaving a small bowl of cheerios on their dresser for them to snack on in the morning. I leave this before I go to bed so they arent all gone in the AM.

• ✔️ yes to a baby gate at the door if you are worried about them wandering the house after dark and safety.

If you bedshare with your toddler, you have an advantage here because they are used to sleeping in a bed. They are used to having the freedom to get out when they want, etc. Introducing an “Ok to Wake” Clock is a great skill to teach even when you are bedsharing - however it may be harder to get them to play quietly without waking you up too.

Make a plan with them for when this happens, like: “If you wake up and the clock is not green, it’s still resting time. You need to stay quiet so Mommy can sleep, OK?” or “If you want to go and play in your room you can, but on your own and you need to stay there.” 

At first, you may have to walk them there at 5:30 am and set a visual timer for when they can come to get you — but go back to bed, so they understand this is not playtime for the whole family. Independent playtime in the morning is totally OK for toddlers who can’t sleep later than 5:30 am, and that’s why its important to come up with a plan for these times so that you can sleep till at least 6:00 am or more — and this can all be done without screens! A baby-proofed room, some of their favorite toys, a baby gate, and encouragement will set you up for a later mom wake-up time — it will take a few mornings of 5:30 am modeling, but it can be done!

*Amazon Affiliate links are included in this post

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Three Main Benefits of Parenting with Gratitude

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The Three Benefits of Parenting with Gratitude

Parenting is hard—there’s no denying it. But what if shifting your focus could make it feel more fulfilling, even joyful?

Parenting with gratitude© doesn’t just help you notice the good; it transforms the way you show up for your kids and yourself.

Here are three key benefits of parenting with gratitude©:

1. Gratitude Builds Resilience

Parenting is full of challenges, but gratitude changes the way you respond to them. When you focus on what’s working—like the small wins or moments of connection—you build emotional resilience. Gratitude strengthens your ability to bounce forward after tough days, making you more present and patient for the next while allowing you to see the skills and strengths you bring to the role.

Quick tip: At the end of each day, write down one small parenting win, even if it’s as simple as, “I made it through today.”

2. Gratitude Enhances Connection

Gratitude helps you see your child for who they are—messy emotions and all. By appreciating their unique qualities, you strengthen your bond and build mutual respect. When children feel valued, their confidence grows, and your relationship deepens. Gratitude also allows you to see all the helpers in your life–because while modern parenthood can feel lonely, there are still people in our lives that show up for us in small ways every day.

Try this: During tough moments, pause and ask yourself, “What do I appreciate about my child right now?” or “Who helped me today?”

3. Gratitude Shifts Perspective

When you focus on gratitude, the daily grind of parenting feels less like an endless to-do list and more like an opportunity for growth. Gratitude widens your perspective, helping you see challenges as part of a bigger picture instead of just frustrations.

Example: That tantrum? It’s not just a meltdown—it’s a chance to teach emotional regulation, both for your child and yourself.

Start Small: A Gratitude Practice for Parents

Parenting with gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring the hard stuff. It’s about balancing the hard moments with a purposeful practice of noticing the joy, the growth, and the small wins. Start by looking for one thing you’re grateful for each day—about your child, your partner, or even yourself. Over time, these small moments build up into a more fulfilling parenting journey.

Want to dive deeper into the benefits of gratitude? Read more here or sign up for weekly practices to bring gratitude into your daily life.

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Gratitude: a Stepping Stone to a More Mindful Life

Listen to this post as a podcast:

Gratitude: A Stepping Stone to a More Mindful Life

Hi, it’s me, Stef, again. Here to talk to you about parenting differently with gratitude. I am obsessed with gratitude because it has changed how I view the world. I grew up in New England, so I celebrated the negative. It’s kind of hard to describe how a cultural mindset works, but in Massachusetts, where I am from, it’s pretty acceptable to be super negative, sarcastic, and self-deprecating. 

First of all, not all of the Northeast is filled with pessimists, but I assure you that optimists are not the norm. You have to be hard to make it through the winter, and you have to be tough to fight for what you want. The world is not out to help you - the world is out to get you - and don't you dare show anyone that you can fall.

Of course, the world is not out to “get” a middle-class white girl from Massachusetts, even if she grew up in a small rural town. This is just another worldview - there are so many, after all. And so, I grew up with both the luxury of white privilege and the austerity of optimism. Weird? Maybe but if you are from the Northeast, you get it. 

So you know my starting viewpoint  – even if something went right, it was just law that the other shoe was always gonna drop somehow.

But I’m not like that anymore — and yes, living in California has something to do with it — but you can still be a negative SOB in the Golden State. My worldview has changed. That is what happened when I started to look inside and do the work I needed to do to become a happier human. And the intention was not enough - I DID have to do the work - I just didn’t need to grit my teeth and bear it. Parenting didn’t have to be about reading every book, going to every workshop, and FIGURING THAT $%^& out by myself. 

It took action — it took courage — did I want to keep choosing my kids over my well-being or did I want to choose myself first?

Choose yourself first. What does that really mean?

Well, it’s not as simple as taking an afternoon off - motherhood doesn’t work that way - especially in the early years. A “Choose Yourself First” mindset does not mean sacrificing your kids’ happiness for your own.  It’s about where you want to put your energy — you’re taking such great care of your kids — but what if you just lessened up a bit on that and started taking care of yourself a little more?

Take a quick second to reflect on the things in your control and see if you like how they are going.

Do you NEED to do everything you’re doing or is that your inner perfectionist at work? Is it society telling you that your kids HAVE to be in sports and that your HAVE to help with PTA and you HAVE to teach your newborn to swim - but do you?

You get to decide for yourself if the events and/or people in your life support or deteriorate your well-being. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for other people’s or cultural opinions.

Let’s take a look at my well-being success formula it’s:

INTENTION + ATTENTION + ACTION + REPETITION = RESULTS

And here we are talking about attention - where is most of your’s going? 

Yeah, it’s your kids, duh, I know.

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Let's talk about why gratitude could be the right action for parenting in the first place.

Every mother dreams about becoming less triggered by her kids; some of us yell, some give up – we all flood with overwhelm. Unfortunately, most parenting advice assumes we can break out of these habitual reactions without learning the skills to get there. 

Those preliminary cycle-breaking skills are crucial because we can't take any advice without getting to what I call "The Juicy Pause" – or that moment right before we react. We are always reading these books and trying these things and failing! Because they take patience, we just don’t have. I remember when I was a toddler parent how much I wished I could have more patience - like it was the key to everything when in reality, it was how quickly I went to reaction town that was keeping me from succeeding, I got triggered when my child didn’t respond to a new technique right away I modeled back their emotions and they slapped me in the face or laughed, I walked out of the room to have a time out and they followed me screaming, and so I screamed back. Nothing would stick, and it wasn’t because I was impatient - it was because I was TRIGGERED.

My reactions were emotional - not thoughtful.

How would I learn to be a better parent if I couldn’t stop myself from yelling at my child in the first place? I had to break some pretty deeply entrenched habits. Ones that had been modeled to me as a child and probably even modeled to my parents as children.  

To take the advice of so many well-meaning child experts out there, we have to expand the pause - the moment right before we are triggered, and the only way to do that is to learn to become more present, to notice there is a pause, to begin with.

We need a more mindful approach to parenting growth, one that I believe starts with a committed, daily practice of gratitude. 

Dan Harris, ABC correspondent and author of 10% Happier, has famously said, “I do meditation because it makes me 10 percent happier.” I feel the same about gratitude. 

It won’t fix your whole life - but after a few weeks, you will feel the subtle shift from how you used to think, feel and behave to the way you do now - and let me tell you, your kids will approve. 

And so I hope you stick with me as we plod deeper into this idea of Parenting Differently with Gratitude because the benefits make it worth it. Your self-doubt and Mom Guilt softens away, you become more connected to your friends and community, and you arrive right here in the present moment where your kids already live. 

What will you do to choose yourself this week? Well, I hope you will start writing that list each morning. And if you haven’t downloaded our mantra of the week, it is a perfect reminder you can put right there on your phone screen: Taking action is a gift to myself.

And don’t forget - you are already a Good AF mom.

Other posts on Gratitude:

Shorten Nighttime Wakings With These 10 Tips

Ok, so nighttime waking happens, but nighttime turning into playtime can be a nightmare - short and sweet is what we are after. But after 20 years as a professional nanny, I am sure that the easiest way is for your toddler to feel safe and supported. They need to feel your confidence because you have a plan, and they need to feel connected to you — because it’s scary to wake up and be alone in the dark when they are only two!

So let’s learn to address nighttime waking quickly and still honor your child’s need for connection.

First, let’s check your Environmental Set Up:

• Make sure you use red light - not white in the middle of the night if needed.

• Make sure the room is dark but feels safe.

• Do they have their favorite lovey or stuffy?

• I love a wind-up flashlight because it gives them autonomy, and it doesn’t last all night.

• Do they have an “Ok to Wake” toddler clock?

• I would also suggest a visual timer if you come back and check on them in a set amount of time.

• Make sure you have a book like The Middle of the Night Book in their bed, ready to go — or keep it on your nightstand.

Shorten toddler night wakings with these 10 easy steps

1. Take a breath. Middle of the waking is normal behavior, especially if they are learning something new like walking or talking or going through any transitions like starting daycare or potty training.

2. Do not ignore them. Connection and belonging are important at this age, so go to them when they wake (or they will come to you!).

3. Make a physical connection - use soothing touch or empathetic eye contact.

4. Listen and reflect emotions - try not to use language that feels like ‘fixing’.

5. Learn the three stages of falling asleep:

   1. Regulate - work out tough emotions or extra energy together by breathing, hugging, or listening patiently before expecting them to go back to sleep.

   2. Settle - help them to get comfortable and find the items they need to feel safe and secure in their bed, see #6 for tips.

   3. Soothe - remind them you are there, encourage them to notice their body’s sleepiness, and rub their back or forehead if they like that for a short time. This touch encourages the brain to produce oxytocin which helps to soothe a child back to sleep. At this stage, you must leave before they fall asleep so they can learn to do it independently.

6. Every night, practice a structured and simple bedtime routine that concludes with three simple rules they can remember “Calm body, Quiet mouth, Stay in your bed.” Your bedtime routine acts as the “Regulation” stage of falling asleep and is especially important to repeat during the middle of the night.

7. Then ask their permission to check in on them in a few minutes. Set a visual timer for when you will be back. Assure them that they can do this on their own. “I fall asleep on my own, and you can too! You did great at bedtime! I promise I will be back in 5 minutes to check on you.”

8. Say goodnight and leave. Have a Goodbye mantra that you use every time you leave. “You’re safe, and you’re loved, Collin,” or “Time for sleep, Collin. Goodnight, I love you.”

9. Make sure you return in the time allotted but quietly if you commit to doing a check-in. If they are still awake, check in and say I am still here if you need me, but you are doing great! I can come back and check again - is that something you want? And then, set the timer again and leave. If you have successfully gone through the 3 stages of sleep, it should only take 1 or 2 extra checks before they go to sleep naturally. However, if they are worked up or stressed, this will have the opposite effect, so really make sure they are regulated and settled before leaving the first time.

10. Talk about their successes in the AM with visual aids like a calendar or a sleeping photo of them - ignore the behavior you did not like.

Other Pro Tips:

• Do not make the transition to a toddler bed until you have introduced a toddler clock 

• If your child is learning a new skill during the day they will be more likely to

  wake at night

• Remember their Hierarchy of needs - belonging and connection before anything else.

• One transition at a time, so if they are potty training, do not introduce a toddler bed, etc.

• Lots of high-quality interactions before bed! You’ve got this!

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Other posts on sleep:

Daring to Parent Differently: Your Official Pep Talk

You can also listen to this post in podcast form - because you need a pep talk in your ears right now!

Download this week’s Gratitude Mantra and put that s&#t on your phone! (or tablet). Totally free no email required.

Your intention to parent differently stems from a deep well of courage.

Did you know that?

The bravery it takes to look at our conditioning and make a change requires going to the places where we are most vulnerable. And that can be scary and hard. But it works, shining the light on our shadows, learning to know them, and love them too. It works, but it’s hard work. And we are doing it (!!) — and each day we stretch open a little bit allowing more and more light to seep in illuminating what we used to know and what is actually true.

“What Right Aspiration translates to in terms of daily action is the resolve to behave in a way that stretches the limits of conditioned response.” - Silvia Bornstein, It’s Easier Than You Think.

We are parents who are looking for new options so so many different reasons; maybe we want to break the cycle of childhood trauma, maybe we want to step outside of what the culture thinks is “normal” or maybe our lived experiences have forced a new perspective. No matter what your initial motivation is - know that we are all in this together and I know just as well as you do that this is not an easy path to forge. It’s even harder when you are the trailblazer unable to rely on advice, or modeling, or even your instincts at first.

We are not the first who are willing to make a change - willing to bleed a little to grow. Brené Brown famously uses the Teddy Roosevelt quote in her book Daring Greatly and I will use it here as well:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again... who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” - Theodore Roosevelt

How are you parenting differently? How are you daring greatly?

• Maybe you have decided to live sustainably - amazing!

• Maybe you have decided to separate from a toxic parent - wow, so brave!

• Maybe you have decided that one child is enough - you do you!

• Maybe you are transparent with your children about your emotions - kudos!

• Maybe you apologize to your children when you are wrong - dare to care!

• Maybe you decided that your happiness matters more than being a perfect parent - scary but so brave!

• Maybe your family limited screens and TV - keep going!

• Maybe each day you wake up and stubbornly look this crazy world in the face and with the determination of someone who radiates only love, you counter suffering with the power of gratitude. - that’s me, and I am brave.

Wherever you have decided enough is enough - I see you. I honor your bravery. The courage and strength to do just one of these things in the face of judgment, criticism, and even shame is a lesson that your children will never forget. I applaud you all. Thank you for your intention to parent differently.

p.s…. love the positivity? Follow me on all the socials and never miss a pep talk.

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A Dreamy Toddler Bedtime Routine

I bet you never thought a Toddler Bedtime Routine could also be dreamy, calm, and relaxed.

I’m guessing bedtime is still a struggle despite the stories, songs, books, and music.

I will ask a few questions that may seem counterintuitive but could help ease this all-to-common parenting battle.

And the first is: What do you want?

I know I will get to the tips in a second, but I want to ensure you are 100% on board. Sometimes we are doing things because we think there is a certain “way” to do them, and speaking from years of experience as a professional nanny, that is totally untrue. There are not many 13-year-olds that still sleep with their parents or wake up a 2 AM and need a glass of milk (and hey, they can get it themselves at that point, so who cares!)

Here are some questions to ask yourself before we move on - there are no right answers, only what your instincts tell you is right:

• Do you want to sleep alone right now? or do you want to sleep with your child?

• What is most important to develop right now in your mind: connection, empathy, independence, self-soothing skills?

• Do you want more kids? Or is this your last child?

• Where do YOU want to sleep right now? In their room with them? or in your bed with your partner? Or in your bed with them in there too?

It may be difficult to figure out the answers to these questions, and that’s ok. I think we have a lot of decisions we have to make daily, and it can feel overwhelming at times. When I feel that way, I lean on what I call my GoodAF Mom intention - my “Why” or, as some people call it, my “Mission Statement.”

For a long time, my intention was to be perfect, and then it was to be a better parent, but now I intend to be a Happy Human. Do you know why? Science shows that a mother’s level of contentment had twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

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In what is called the Millennial Cohort Study, 13,000 UK families were surveyed when their child was 9 months old and then 14 years later, looking specifically at their happiness level. A deeper analysis of divorce rates and well-being surveys shows that a mother's happiness directly affects her children’s mental health, the stability of her relationship with the children’s father, and her closeness to her children when they become teenagers. In fact, the study showed that a mother’s level of contentment had twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

Twice.

So that means you matter. What you want matters Mama. And if you are not being true to yourself your kid will know, you will act in a way that is different. Tips and tricks won’t work for you as well as they may for other parents. And so you got to stop and Choose You.

And so here are some ideas for a dreamy toddler bedtime routine.

No matter where your toddler sleeps now that they are 15 months and older they will be the leader. They want this freedom to choose - to be in charge - so let them.

You can do this by paying attention to what arguments you have the most - is it over the number of books or when they brush their teeth or what PJs to wear? These are your cues that they want input.

I’m a Type A Mom, so I would make a visual chart of all the bedtime routine items - not so that you can follow it to a T, but so they can pick what they want to do next without your input. I would place non-negotiables on the chart in a different color and then ask them to pick the orders of the others. It doesn’t make sense to brush your teeth before milk - but you can always wait till after PJs are put on. I have included a free downloadable Toddler Choice Chart here with space to add your own items too.

Here are some other tips:

• Come up with three rules that work for your family and stick to them. Ours are: Calm Body, Quiet Mouth, Stay in Bed. These get recited every night multiple times.

• Make sure the time before bed is one of deep connection - that’s why books work so well. Feeling connected will help your child to feel safe and secure.

• If your child wants you to stay and you don’t want to, give them a time limit and set a visual timer like a Time Timer. And when it is done, leave. They will be upset at first but promise to check on them - tap into their independent streak and ask if they want to be checked in 7 minutes or 10 minutes. And then do that over and over but increase the time limit until they drift off without your help. Yes, the first night, you may have to do this for 2 hours, but that won’t last.

• If you bedshare and your child wants you to stay, and you want to, then stay! Get some extra sleep and get up earlier the next day to do the dishes — they will still be there. You can do this for a few weeks and then begin the process of teaching them to sleep independently another time or you can do it for one night and go back to the timer method above.

• If your child does not settle, it’s time to teach the three stages of sleep: Self-regulation, self-settling, and self-soothing. You can help with self-regulation or calming down: listen to a bedtime meditation together or if that’s too stimulating read a book like The Middle of the Night Book that teaches them how to do a bodyscan. Self-settling is something they need to do on their own that’s physiologically switching from an awakened mode to a sleep mode. And then self-soothing is the method you use to regulate your emotions as you fall asleep. This skill is also something that takes time to learn (like a lifetime) and is an independent sleep skill. When your child is very young a lovey, stuffy or something to hold will help them to feel connected to you which can help with self-soothing. Make it easy to bridge the gap by sleeping with that item yourself prior to introducing it — so it smells like you.

• Once you choose a mode of sleep, try to stay consistent - so if they are going to bedshare make sure the bed is set up as their area too. And if you want it to be for a certain amount of time set a limit or boundary ahead of time - “When the summer comes we/you will start sleeping in your room but right now its fine to share my bed”

The most important thing is that you feel confident about your bedtime choices, Mama. Your well-being and your health are what matter most. And don’t forget - because you made it all the way to the end of this article (and even if you made it two sentences in) I know for a fact that you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef

Other Articles on Sleep:

Is it a Toddler Sleep Regression?

Your perfect sleeper is gone; overnight, they were replaced with a screaming, exhausted, and cranky zombie child who just won’t sleep through the night anymore. You may be wondering….

Is it a toddler sleep regression — or did they just learn a few bad habits?

Well, here’s the way to tell.

• First things to check:

• Were they sick in the past 2 weeks

• Did you have a major life transition like the birth of a new baby, toilet learning, a new bed, a new house, a new school, or a new caregiver?

• Are they ready for the next size pull-up or diaper?

• Did the weather change significantly, like it’s now really hot or cold?

• Has there been a time change like daylight savings or traveling?

• Can you see a new tooth coming through their gums or a spot on their gums that is super red?

If you can say No to all of these things, it might be a toddler sleep regression.

Here’s the final way to tell:

1. Your toddler has learned something new during the daytime.

This is the final piece to the puzzle, typically, when a toddler (or child ages 15 months to 36 months) is learning something new, child development experts call that a developmental leap. When they are in toddlerhood these developmental leaps typically are:

• Learning to walk

• Learning to climb

• Learning to talk

• and many others like becoming more independent-minded, etc.

When a young child is learning these types of skills, they are rewiring large parts of their brain — so much so that they cannot sleep well. We all do this in our own ways from restless sleep due to anxiety or to being excited for a big day the next day. Imagine that feeling but over 3 to 4 days. And so they experience a sleep regression which is typically a disturbed sleep cycles. When this happens they may be unable to go through the three stages of sleep independently again.

The three stages of sleep are:

• self-regulation

• self-settling

• self-soothing

And so they will need you. They will scream and yell, have nightmares, and want you to come to their bed or sleep in yours. It’s not pleasant. However, if you can provide a steady and consistent middle-of-the-night routine in these moments, a sleep regression will not result in a new sleep routine that includes you, lol 😬 ! I would suggest that you use the same bedtime routine when you are woken in the middle of the night as you do at the end of the day.

• read the last book of the night - called the anchor book,

• listen to the song or lullaby you sing,

• say good night and remind them of your bedtime rules,

• and/or do whatever your routine may be right before you leave them in the evening.

I find that after a week or two, they will have learned their skill enough that they can get back into their normal sleep routine, so hold on, and in the tough moments remind yourself that it won’t last!

For more sleep help check out the posts below:

Faith to Parent Differently (2.0)

Last week, my brother sent me a text message, it said:

Did you know that trauma gets baked into three generations of DNA?

And I said:

Oh, gosh, where does it begin, though? And where does it end?

Right?

Here’s the other side of that statement - the ripple effect of “where does it start or stop?” can cause a lot of anxiety when you're parenting, the next generation.

And so I had to take myself out of that for a minute, I had to say, no, no, it stops with me. It doesn't really matter how many generations it may take - I don't care, it stops with me.

This is my commitment to parenting differently.

My intention to break the cycle of trauma, to be the change, makes all the difference. I think everyone has the ability to make a conscious choice to do things a bit differently than maybe the generation before.

For me, the action this choice demands really boils comes down to maintaining a positive mindset. When I wake up in the morning, am I committed to parenting differently? And if I am, then that is enough.

Of course, you can’t see it happening - the change - it takes faith to believe that intention is really enough. My choices every day, my effort every day, it's enough — because that intention is it inspires me to action. And every day, even if I mess up 300 times, I know that the 200 times that I did something really great those are the actions that are going to make a difference.

And generational change doesn't happen overnight.

It's not going to be something that I can say, “Oh, wow, there it is. My kid magically knows how to come to me when they're feeling upset instead of going and hiding alone” — right? It doesn't happen instantly like that. But it does happen over time.

And you have to believe that in order to keep going, right? We all do. We also need to have faith in the goodness of our hearts, and the goodness of the hearts of the people that we care for. And we have to have faith that we can do it.

The way that I do it is I make sure that when I wake up and I make that commitment to parenting differently, to ensure I'm meeting my own needs first. And that does mean that I've had to get up earlier and earlier over the years. But for me, my biggest “need” is alone time - it’s incredibly nourishing for me because I grew up the oldest, in a chaotic family of five kids. I never had time alone. Now I make sure that I get up every morning and I find time to be alone. I meditate. I do my gratitude journaling — I write down 10 things every morning I'm grateful for and I reorient my mindset.

And the rest really boils down to believing that my inner goodness and my inner love is enough for these kids. And that even when I mess up, saying sorry is enough, and even when they mess up, letting them be okay with messing too.

And it really does boil down to having a deep, deep commitment to faith.

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Join the 12 Week Gratitude Challenge 🤍

Did you Parent Differently this Weekend?

I got a question for you: Did you parent differently this weekend?

Think about it. I bet immediately your thoughts are: No!

And of course, as parents, this is what we do. We go right to two things:

1. Too much of and not enough of:

   So too much screentime not enough family time, too much sugar, not enough healthy food, too much errands, not enough outside time you get it.

2. Or we go to cataclysmic events:

   Like the meltdown in church or the bedtime that took three hours instead of one.

This is called the negativity bias.

So when we look back quickly, over our weekend, we can say to ourselves, “No, that was not a good weekend” or “Okay, some things went great, but that tantrum really was my fault. And I didn't do a good job this weekend. So no, I didn't parent differently.”

If we are not paying attention, our negativity bias takes over and that is how you end up with guilt, shame, and built-in fear of messing up in the future — never getting it right.

The reason I always talked about parenting with gratitude is because it's an intentional way to look back over your weekend and override that negativity bias.

The simple yet effective practice looks like this: I'm gonna look over Saturday, and I'm gonna find five to 10 things that went well, or five to 10 things that I'm grateful for. Maybe they're small moments, maybe they're big moments, but you know what? You forgot. You forgot you're a good mom. And I guarantee you're gonna find five to 10 — I bet you could find 20. And then you're going to do that with Sunday.

And this is the practice of parenting with gratitude. It's looking over our lives with intention and saying, “I am not going to let the negativity bias ruin my week — I'm not going to enter into the mom guilt, shame cycle, because I am going to practice gratitude.”

And the more we do this, the more we look over our yesterday's for the good the more we can experience those situations in real time and begin to notice them the moment they happen. And in those moments, we can feel its positivity even deeper because we are present with the ones we love. And we are not doubting ourselves. We are not feeling lonely, and we are not somewhere inside of our anxiety or depression.

So I want you to ask yourself, did I parent differently yesterday? If you immediately go to a “too much” or “not enough” or that one thing that you just screwed up I want you to take the time to go through and look for the things that did go right because there are lots.

🤍 Stef

Want more? Join my free 12-Week Parenting with Gratitude Email Series here.