Gracious Mealtimes with Alison Mountford

Podcast Guest:

Alison Mountford

Chef, Food Waste Expert and Mom

Alison and I chatted recently on the Podcast about family mealtimes, food waste, and what its like to parent differently than our mothers.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

OUR QUESTION TODAY WAS THE FOLLOWING:

What’s the difference between a picky eater and a child who knows what they like and don’t like? And where do you draw the line and say forget it when it comes to offering the same foods repeatedly?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation and Alison’s advice.

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Alison: So to me, the clear difference between a picky eater and an opinionated one is their attitude and willingness to taste it.

If you gave my kid pasta with a marinara sauce he's going to go “I don't like that” but has he tasted it? No, so he is solidly in the category of Picky Eater. Or if you give a kid of food and they don't comment on it, they taste it, they give it a fair chance — and they have a good attitude and some curiosity about trying a new thing even if they're a little hesitant but they try it and they can intelligently talk about why, like “this was a little too spicy for me” or “it was really tangy” or “I don't love the texture of this” then that is the point where you can say “Okay well just like Grandma doesn't eat brussels sprouts. You are allowed to have an opinion and say you don't like this food or you did not enjoy it prepared this way.”

But the pickiness really comes in when they have no willingness or when they're clearly with their attitude and their demeanor demonstrating that they're unwilling to try something because it's not familiar to them — or because they actively think they will dislike it but without ever having tried it. So that's a big difference.

I would give a shout-out to all the toddler moms out there who can't really figure out if it's picky or an opinion because there isn't the language around that and that opens up another conversation around teaching language and really talking about your own food.

Alison: So I would I would default till like pre six years old and just assume it's pickiness. But maybe even give them more of the benefit of the doubt than just pickiness which I think has an icky kind of connotation. It's like as soon as you say picky eating everyone gets all ratcheted up about it. I would not say maybe let's not call them picky eaters but let's say if they're younger than 6 or seven years old they're just not experienced. So don't ever write anything off unless it's an allergy and then again, that's not picky. But younger than 6 or 7 I would not allow them to fall into any category quite yet.

What about offering the same food again and again and again?

Alison: You have to serve food in a variety of ways. Maybe one day you have spinach as part of a saute, maybe another time you have it with a lot of garlic. Maybe you try it with balsamic. Maybe you put it chopped up with cheese in a stuffed shell — and just sort of over the course of many years they will be able to experience this one food in a lot of different ways and then maybe they'll find one way that they like it. I would truly say that everybody doesn't stop experiencing foods in different ways. You can always learn to like new foods. So I don't think it's too late for anybody.

Talk about these things openly, learning to like new foods, changing your mind about things, trying things in different ways, trying things at your friend's house or at a restaurant or cooked by somebody else. But what I wouldn't want to do is put the same piece of spinach in front of a kid for 17 years and say no dessert until you eat that spinach. or “I know you didn't like it for the last eleven years, but we're still gonna keep trying this” but I would never allow myself to write off a food without really good reason that they will never like it.

Some other takeaways from our conversation:

• The pressure to meal prep on the weekends is just that, pressure. If you enjoy cooking, then great meal prep on the weekends, but if you would rather be hiking or shopping, then you can easily get by with 30-minute meals on the weeknights.

• Restaurants are much better when it comes to food waste than our own homes. We tend to overbuy and then throw away lots of unused food. At a restaurant, the only person throwing away food is the consumer if they order too much.

• Picking hobbies like cooking and gardening can help to teach our children the valuable skill of waiting - which is essential to combating entitlement in our on-demand society.

You can learn more about Ends & Stems and Alison’s awesome 30-minute recipes that reduce food waste at EndsandStems.com and make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

Check out more Guest Episodes here:

The Parents Day of Rest 2022

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For years I lost the sparkle of the holidays, and I couldn’t figure out why - and then I realized that even though kid’s Christmas crafts are fun and the music reminded me of being a kid, I liked so much more than just the kid stuff around the holidays.

And so I started the Parents’ Day of Rest, where I indulge in everything I love about the season - Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole, old black and white movies, and dark chocolate, to name a few - and I also took a break. I used it as a real excuse to take a REST right in the middle of the craziest week of the year. And do you know what? The sparkle was BACK, baby. I felt joy, whimsy, and the delight the holidays can fill your heart with. Join me this year, won’t you? Use the hashtag #parentsdayofrest on IG and share what you do! 

Save the Date: Parents’ Day of Rest every December 21st

Gratitude Practice: Love and Kindness Body Scan

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Let’s do a ‘parenting with gratitude exercise where we focus on our bodies. Every few posts or so, I try to give you another gratitude exercise to try because I want you to have that moment when things click, that you say, “Oh yeah, it’s so simple I just have to breath” or “Damnit I AM a Good AF mom — that’s right.” 

I think it’s important to offer a variety of options for you using the catalyst of gratitude - we have done regimented practices like lists and alarms and more creative, fast-paced ones like rapid-fire gratitude and family fun – but we haven’t dropped into the body - that grounding place we carry with us at all times. 

Focusing on our bodies and their experiences during our changing emotional states is called a somatic approach. Yes, some of the exercises somatic therapists use involve breathing, dance, or meditation – but hang on with me a bit if that is too woo for you. What I am suggesting is not some ecstatic dance; I am interested in helping you to tune in with the messages your body is trying to tell you when maybe your brain just wants to keep you nice and busy. 

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For example, when I am feeling sad, and I feel it in my body, it feels like a deep dark hole in my heart, and anxiety, well, that’s a really somatic emotion where we can feel tight or vibration or agitation that rips through - that one is hard to miss. And yes, these are the more obvious and uncomfortable emotions, but I also feel gratitude in my body, like a warm light shining from my heart.  

And there are so many more - everyone has their individualized body sensations. When we are busy, not paying attention, or just caught up in modern parenting life, we can miss the more subtle cues our bodies are trying to tell us, like - “That doesn’t feel like the right choice” or “I dont really like talking to her.” And these missed moments can contribute to our feelings of uneasiness in our lives or just general dissatisfaction. 

Typically in these practice articles, I share exercises that work for me to self-reflect, contribute somehow to my long-term healing, or offer self-compassion — all using the prompt of gratitude — and since I feel like I have skipped the body up until this point, I started to sort through my days and experiences to see if I could offer a few somatic options.

A real basic and something we haven’t talked about much on the blog is a body scan, and as soon as I thought of it, I was like, duh, Stef – because I wrote an entire book for kids based on a body scan called The Middle of the Night Book.

A body scan is the perfect example of a somatic exercise you can do to check in with yourself and see just where your body is at. And a body scan is something you can do with or without having to experience a significant and possibly crappy emotion coursing through it. I love the extra attention it gives to the different microclimates of my body and the curiosity and openness it requires. In Buddhism, they call those microclimates feeling tones and typically label them as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral to take some of the mind triggers and judgment out of the process. 

To do a Love and Kindness Body Scan you don’t have to be lying down or in a meditative state - you can simply be sitting in the school pick-up line or feeding your baby a bottle, and you bring your attention to specific body parts. Start from your feet and move part by part up your body, and at each part, you pause and say something kind like Thank you for your support feet, or I send you love and warmth legs - yes, it may feel cheesy but trust me your body does not care. Take your time and go all the way up your body saying these kindnesses and gratitudes – and once you are done, you can offer that baby you're holding the same love and kindness, or if you are alone, then the world - may all beings everywhere be loved and at peace.

This is a simple way I give myself the attention I so deserve. And you deserve it too. Using this type of preventative self-care is vital so that when you do feel a deep and wide emotion like grief or anger, allowing it to be there will be your first step, noticing it and then offering it kindness - I see you deep dark hollow in my chest, I am not going to run away this time. I offer you love and kindness, and respect the messages you may bring up.

We are complex beings who sometimes get stuck inside our heads, I sure do, and the messages up there are hit or miss. The body never lies. It will tell you just what you need to know - it’s just whether or not you take the time to listen. - Stef

Gratitude Will Save Your Motherhood

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Gratitude will save your motherhood - it saved mine.

Inside each of these blog posts, I hope you find something that resonates with you and helps you feel like a GoodAF mom - because you are! Maybe it’s gratitude, maybe it’s help with caregiver burnout, or maybe it’s mindfulness, I know you will find what works for you.

No matter the method, I know that checking in with ourselves is the simplest way to start any amount of healing.

So if you are unsure what to do next - I would start with self-reflection. And if you are looking for the next step after that, I would try offering a small piece of self-compassion - like “Wow, that is hard” or “Yeah, that’s unfair.”

But if you are looking for a system or a step-by-step path to follow, day after day, you can give gratitude a try.

I like to call that system parenting with gratitude. Why does gratitude matter to parenting? Well, I have been parenting for 14 years. And in the past 14 years, I have felt Mom Guilt, shame, isolation, resentment, burnout, self-doubt, and the list goes on.

And underneath it all lived another issue - right? It was a self-worth issue. A not-good-enough issue. It was rooted in the idea that I was a bad mom. And that issue clouded over everything I did - it was a mindset.

Every time I walked into a room, I brought that mindset with me - the mess on the floor = somehow my fault, the leaky faucet = should have dealt with it this weekend, the breakfast no one ate = I should have listened to what they wanted. I was looking through a cloud.

But as soon as I deliberately started practicing gratitude, there was no argument that I was a good mom because I started to notice all the good things I did every day. I hadn’t been noticing them –  I was just focused on all the mistakes and failures that I was making. Because of that low self-worth cloud.

Parenting with gratitude is not only about looking at the good and being complacent; it’s about realigning your mindset to focus on the good so that you can clear out all that negative self-worth talk, and you can say, “Ok, I am starting from a place of good parenting. I am a good mom who makes mistakes” and then you can go from there.

Gratitude builds upon itself from one day to the next –That’s why I like it so much. Using a daily system, I notice the effects of my effort more quickly - and when I do, I want to do more!  I want to notice more good things, and I want to do more good things for my kids and for others! I notice that I am a good mom, and I have great kids!!

I hope it works for you too! - Stef

Read Other Posts on Gratitude:

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Buy the book that started it all:

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Building Blocks to Parenting with Gratitude™

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Since the focus is so heavily on gratitude during the month of November, we are going to shift a bit to talk about skills that we can use year-round for parenting with gratitude™. It’s not just during November that you can layer support upon a daily gratitude practice and add some real punch to your self-growth journey.

If you have read my Gratitude Cheatsheet, you know I have a list of habits I try to practice that build upon my intention for a grateful life. That list was made with the blood, sweat, and tears (well, not really blood) of my own trial and error as I figured out just what worked when supporting this new life filled with gratitude. What new skills could I learn during this process that would set me up for success? 

Well, there are many! Let’s read the list again:

• Wake up a bit earlier, nothing crazy, just like 5 minutes earlier. Write down 10 things you are grateful for - this trains your brain away from the negativity bias. (Gratitude)

• Remind yourself your children don’t know your past traumas or the emotional burdens you may carry. (Equanimity)

• Then remind yourself that they are new to this planet. (Empathy)

• Go through your day and observe your children with the same awe and wonder they observe the world. (Joy and Delight)

• Start saying out loud the nice things that are already in your head. (Affirmations)

• Begin noticing when you’re upset and what your expectations are at that moment. (Mindfulness)

• Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. (Compassion)

• Mentally list 3 things you're grateful for as you get into bed. (Courage)

• Remind yourself of one thing that went well during the day. (Self-Reflection)

These steps are some of the ACTION components to our well-being equation - which is:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results 

And they are also rooted in positive emotions that take advantage of Barbara Fredrickson's Broaden and Build cycle. And if you want to know more about the magic of the broaden and build cycle listen to Episode 13 of the podcast.
Today I’m excited to dig into three of the ideas that center around our children, and they are:

• Remind yourself that your kids don’t the emotional burdens you carry. 

• Remind yourself that they are new to this planet. 

And 

• Before you go to bed, go into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. 

To do this, we need to talk about Professor Robert Emmons's ARC Model of Gratitude. He says that gratitude does three things as we become more accustomed to its role in our lives. It Amplifies, Rescues, and Connects or ARC. Gratitude amplifies the good in our world. It helps us to see MORE of it all around us and then expect more of it as we live our everyday lives. And over time, that mindset builds and grows. 

Gratitude rescues us from the negative-leaning aspects of our minds. Have you ever felt stuck in a cycle of forgetfulness or laziness? Yep, that’s your mind at work - keeping you safe but also keeping you pretty cramped and grumpy, always looking for the next thing to go wrong. In addition to our mind’s natural tendency towards the negative, we are influenced by our environments where negative news gets more attention and the louder you yell on social or, the more salacious you act, the more ‘likes’ you get.

It’s exhausting! As Professor Emmons says it, gratitude rescues us from the negativity trap, “rescues us from the thieves that derail our opportunity for happiness, and gets us back on track to contentment and inner peace.”

And finally, gratitude connects! Once you are out of that ‘funk’ and you notice all the good around you, even the most challenging relationships may feel like less of a threat to you. In fact without gratitude, our society would crumble. We would not be connected in the ways we are to people that are outside our family unit. But when you look up from your phone and say “Thank You” to your barista an automatic link is formed between you both, and the world is better for it. 

Using the ARC model, we can take a closer look at our relationship with our children. The first system I use is to amplify my gratitude. And I do this with a series of reminders. You can write these down on a post-it and put them in your car or make a reminder that pops up once a week on your phone or you can simply reflect on them from time to time, but again they are: 

• Remind yourself that your kids don’t the emotional burdens you carry. 

• Remind yourself that they are new to this planet. 

Why do these amplify my gratitude? Well, first off, thank goodness that when I snap at my son, the only thing he sees on his end is me snapping - not my Mom Guilt or my Inner Critic telling me to hurry up or do a better job - he doesn’t need that crap it’s bad enough his mom is mad. And when we cut through the drama and simply see it as “snapping” it’s much easier to notice. Noticing when we act out of alignment with our goals is the first step towards what I call the “Juicy Pause,” or allowing for a longer and longer pause BEFORE the actual mistake. Maybe we breathe instead or use a gentle parenting phrase. But there is no pause without first noticing the unwise action – and there is noticing the unwise action when it’s covered up with a story filled with suffering, “You have to be better” - “You need to hurry up, or you will be late” - “You have to finish this report in total silence or it won’t be tight enough for presentation tomorrow.”  You know the scary voices. So reminder #1 - Your kids do not know your emotional burdens.

Reminder #2 - Your kids are new to this planet. Maybe you have a 2-year-old. That means they have been here for 24 months. That’s it. Total. Of course, they are gonna be a mess they literally just learned how to use their limbs. And sometimes they can talk like you but a lot of the time they can’t! My son, who is 10 - he’s new here! Sure he’s been around the block a few times, but he has not experienced nearly as much as I have or his brother, who is 14. He still hasn’t learned to regulate his emotions or sit still for more than a half hour - and that’s fine! I am grateful for the chance to guide him along the way - the empathy from this type of mindset shift helps us to see just how much effort they are putting in each day to grow and just to learn the lingo and the neighborhood. Would you consider someone who moved into your neighborhood three years ago a local? Or maybe they still have a few things to learn that, if asked you would be happy to teach them.

Empathy also rescues you from the ruminations of parenthood, the 100 times you need to tell them to bring their backpacks in from the car or stay away from the dog’s water dish. Remembering their new here can rescue your mind from the negative places it wants to go like impatience and frustration and bring you back to the present where it’s all one big adventure, and you just happen to be the loving tour guide.

So there are the reminders that amplify and rescue, and then there is the nighttime routine which helps to Connect. But here’s the best part especially for those of you in the throws of toddlerhood moodiness…You do it when they are asleep.

Try this for a week: Before you head off to bed for the night, sneak into your children’s rooms and look at their sleeping faces. Wish them well, and feel your love for them intensely throughout your whole body. Savor it. They aren’t awake, so they can’t talk back. You want to think about the most positive aspects of your relationship. If you want, you can list three things that you love about them in your head or write them down and leave them as a morning note. 

If you do this for a week, you will feel a deeper connection grow with your child, and sometimes we need this so that we can access the empathy and mindfulness needed to notice.

As James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, famously says, “You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems.” And just like our GoodAF Mom Intention these ideas are not just a “try it once and let it go” activity. I offer them up as routines that you can incorporate into your parenting - they are the building blocks of what I call Parenting with Gratitude™. Just little tweaks you can make to your normal life that over time will have a big impact. We don’t need to wipe the slate clean, only amplify what is already here and true, rescue our minds from habitual thoughts and reactions and connect with the humans around us. So give it a try and I hope you know – You’re a GoodAF Mom. - Stef

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More posts on Gratitude:

How to Avoid Toxic Positivity while Remaining Grateful

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How can we remain grateful while also staying away from toxic positivity?

We are now in what my family calls ‘The Gauntlet’. The time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s that seems to go by SO Fast. And while it's exciting and fun, it’s also a lot. And I want to talk about that “a lot-ness” and about how we can acknowledge both the overwhelming aspects of a situation while also seeing the good - the silver linings.

When we accept that there are both shitty sides to the season and glorious ones, we can become more in alignment with ourselves, the present moment and our GoodAF Mom Intention.

And to do this you can use a visualization practice:

I want you to identify one SMALL annoyance in your life right now and focus on it. We aren’t gonna do a big issue today – but something that is still a bit stressful like a cookie exchange you committed to or getting matching PJs in time (both of these work for me actually). We are not going to make it go away – but silly enough we are going to make it into a household object - so pick something neutral like a hair tie or a coin got it?

Now think about your house. Some places are pleasant, there are places that are unpleasant (I see you, laundry), and then there are neutral places like a window sill that maybe gets good light but not great and isn't too shady. It’s just a neutral spot in your home.

Now please take that coin or hair tie or whatever, hold it close to your chest, and allow yourself to feel the intensity of that annoying situation as much as you can, and as you do so, place all of the feelings inside the object. Now that the object has been filled, place it on the window sill.

Now I want you to think of a situation around this time of year that fills you to the brim with gratitude or joy. And find another neutral object in your home that you will infuse with this feeling - maybe a pencil or tube of chapstick, nothing with a story. Hold it tightly and close, close, close, infusing it with all the good feelings this situation gives you. And when you are done place it on the windowsill next to the other one, just side by side they dont need to be touching.

Now take a step back.

What do you see? Well, two objects, right? Neither the hair tie nor the tube of chapstick has meaning when they are sitting there on the windowsill. They just are. One is not better than the other. One is not louder nor more vital to your world. But here’s the thing - the intensity you feel if you pick them up is similar. Studies show that stress and excitement exist in the same chemical makeup within the body in fact. However, it’s the story that we attach to the hair tie that makes it feel like suffering or anxiety, while the chapstick feels more like anticipation. 

OK, you can leave the items there on the shelf and come back to reality. They will be fine - in fact, as you walk away and come back to reality, you may notice that the anxiety you felt around the hair tie is actually more manageable now. You know where it is but you put it down for now.

This exercise does not mean you should cling to your over-commitments this season — if anything you should weed some out while it’s still early. But instead of talking about saying No this season (let’s save that for another week) we are going to talk about Benefit Finding today – and also how our relationship to stress either makes situations more manageable or just plain chaotic. I hope that this blog makes it clear that being positive all the time is not the ultimate goal. My overall well-being and yours is the goal - not blind optimism.

So if you’re unhappy or feel like your wellness journey has been put on the back burner — or left behind in childless life — you’re in the right place. Burning out is something that happens to us all and these days it happens even faster than before BECAUSE of the perfect parenting messages we receive and our surrounded by on the daily.

I ALREADY KNOW YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT.

You’re here reading this after all. I just think (myself included) that we forget to look at all the good things we do every day because the “bad” is so heavy and LOUD. When we hurt our kids it feels awful - like so, so bad. When we are tired we get triggered, if we carry uninvestigated emotional baggage or trauma it comes out, and if we are burned out we are not able to parent the way we want. But you aren’t all bad - you are a loving and kind parent whose intentions are good – you have both hair ties and you have chapsticks on your windowsill — and because of that truth I also know there are a million things you are doing right each day. Using a daily gratitude scan to notice the good we are fighting the autopilot to mom-shame or self-doubt.

When we are living through difficult circumstances like the ongoing stress we felt throughout the pandemic, if we can notice both our suffering and the silver lining of our circumstances and hold them as equally important we provide our brains the opportunity to grow what are called “benefit finding” muscles that support our overall resiliency. 

What is Benefit-Finding? The first studies on this skill were conducted with children who were in chronic pain due to illness and benefit finding referred to the process of perceiving positive consequences in the face of adversity – finding the silver lining in tough situations even ones that may cause a significant amount of personal suffering. However, most importantly the perception of a “silver lining” with an adverse event was most beneficial when derived with internal motivation and not external triggers. 

From the book The Upside of Stress by health psychologist Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.linked in show notes  says:

“To my ears, benefit finding sounds like the kind of positive thinking that tries to scurry away from the reality of suffering: Let’s look on the bright side so we don’t have to feel the pain or think about the loss.”

However she goes on to say:

“But despite my own allergic reaction, this research doesn't suggest that the most helpful mindset is a Pollyannish insistence on turning everything bad into something good. Rather it’s the ability to notice the good as you cope with things that are difficult. In fact, being able to see both the good and the bad is associated with better long-term outcomes than focusing purely on the upside…Looking for the good in stress helps most when you are also able to realistically acknowledge whatever suffering is also present.”

Tough times are not a good thing - wishing pandemic parenting on you so you can grow is insane and something I would never do. However, learning to accept that the tough times will be part of the whole modern parenting package and STILL see within them the good can help you cope with the feelings of helplessness. When you can see your circumstances as both temporary and also beneficial (even in the smallest way) you can adjust your mindset enough to regain your footing.

So things are both good and not so good - and thats’s O.K. right? We all have our hair ties and our chapsticks and we can put them down and look at them as just what they are - parts of a well-lived life. Share where you are in your journey with me - I would love to know, you can email me at parentdifferently@gmail.com or shoot me a DM on Instagram and I want you to remember that you are already Good AF Mom. - Stef

Is it bad to compare myself to other moms?

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Motherhood is full of comparisons. In this job with no training, and it just makes sense that look at what others are going through and see how it compares to our own experiences.

This helps us to grow and adjust; humans are social by nature, and it’s perfectly normal to look to other members of your species to see what is acceptable and what is not.

The problem with comparison is not the comparison - it’s what happens afterward. We see a perfectly clean playroom on Instagram, or maybe we visit a friend in real life whose house is always clean — and we immediately think of the piles on the basement floor that equate to a playroom of sorts or mildewy grout in our showers. And then we attach a story that clean is good and dirty or unorganized is terrible. This story takes a basic situation of different priorities and conditions and adds a layer of shame to the entire thing like:

Download the Mantra - I don’t have to be perfect to be me.

• Well, if she can do it, why can’t I?

• She works 40 hours a week like me!

• Or her kids are even younger than mine!

• Or my kids go to daycare, and I still can’t catch up

This blog offers up Parenting with Gratitude as a simple way to shift our parenting mindsets from Bad Mom to GoodAF. When we look at the world from the lens of Bad Mom, everything everyone else does makes us feel inferior. When we shift our mindset to GoodAF, we can look at the world with detached curiosity and wonder. Like - Wow, how does she keep her kids from messing up the pantry? I am going to ask her! Shame is the bully that keeps us from asking this type of question and connecting with the people around us.

THREE MAIN PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT KEEP PARENTS (AND HUMANS!) FROM FEELING GRATITUDE ARE:

EGO

CYNICISM

RESENTMENT/ENVY

And then a million temporary states keep us from feeling gratitude too. Some include:

• Awkwardness

• Indebtedness

• Self-doubt

• Materialism

• even surprise!

I would consider cynicism a form of comparing — but instead of being inferior to someone, you feel superior to them. You look at how they are doing things and judge it as inauthentic, not good enough, or just plain bad parenting.

In whatever shape our comparing comes, it’s still a form of “othering” or separating us from people in our communities - potential friends, other moms!

It becomes an ”I” versus “you” thought spiral. When I compare myself to others, I build a wall brick by brick, separating me from other moms. And brick by brick, I protect myself from the shame of not being good enough. And this is not a bad thing. The wall keeps us safe; it’s a protective mechanism. But it also keeps out connection PLUS all the things I could learn from other moms.

Comparison gets in the way of feeling grateful because your focus is not on enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not rested enough. I’m not compassionate enough or kind enough or patient enough, or silly enough.

Our mind tells us: “I want to be them (whoever they are that look perfect), not me.”

And when we’re looking at the world from that mode, we can’t see ALL the good we have. The positive aspects of gratitude that help us to “broaden and build” our perspective, as Barbara Fredrickson says, become lodged underneath the wall until we can say, “No, I don’t need to be like them. I want to be like me,” and the wall can come down we stay stuck.

Embracing our imperfect natures is the first wave of demolition needed to get unstuck.

This takes acceptance of what is – and what we want. My GoodAF Mom Intention is to be a happy human. I understand that perfection is unattainable, so as long as I make that the goal, I will never reach my ultimate goal of happiness. And so I strive for imperfection, which can be part of the goal and automatically achievable. Try it: “I don’t have to be perfect to be me.”

I am an imperfect parent. I am an imperfect writer. I am an imperfect podcast host. I am an imperfect partner. That’s the truth, it’s my reality, and I am ok with it.

Maybe you ARE cynical of other people’s motives from time to time, or perhaps you admire people but aren’t sure what to do next. Well, I think the first step is always to look for the good in everyone. I think it allows me to see the good in myself. If you’re cynical about the people around you and their motives, it makes it really hard to find the good in your own heart and in the good in your own behavior. And if you are shy or aren’t sure what to do after you notice a difference and don’t want to go to the shame party anymore - then what?

Curiosity is critical here. I want to remain open to the wisdom of my friends, experts in my field, and all the mothers trying their best. So I have to look inside at my suffering, at the superiority or inferiority I carry, to break down the wall that keeps me so separate. I am curious about myself first, then I am curious about them. I ask questions, am open to their wisdom, and learn! Curiosity fosters connection, and that’s what we need most as moms - to feel like we are not alone.

We can also be curious about our pain - why does it hurt so much being different from others and noticing the stories we attach to that pain. Don’t be discouraged if that seems daunting. Its something we can work towards together. It starts with that mantra you can download up there on this page. “ I don’t have to be perfect to be me.” As long as we keep the perfectionist or arrogant stories covering our pain - it’s just that it’s untouchable. It can’t go anywhere if you can’t even touch it.

Let’s be honest, I genuinely feel bad when I go to someone’s house who has the same aged kids as me, and it’s spotless. But suppose I remind myself that adding the additional story of shame to that pain separates me from my need for connection. In that case, I can soften a bit and allow for a bit more perspective - maybe they pay a cleaning crew once a week, and I choose to use that money for a massage. Perhaps they have a partner who doesn’t travel, or they eat takeout every night. Maybe they are never home because they are at soccer and piano, or the kids are only allowed to play outside on the weekends - who knows? I do know that these are the things that actually connect us once the wall is no longer there.

It’s when we look outside ourselves for affirmation or confirmation that’s when we get into trouble.

Look around - if you are closing yourself off from your world with those pesky walls, offer yourself grace. They were constructed to keep you safe, it was a simple way to provide a little self-care, but it’s not serving you now. Let’s release the floodgates. Allow positive emotions like curiosity, inspiration, gratitude, and joy to send those walls crashing down. We are not different than anyone else or better or worse.

We all have pain.

We all have kids who test our growth and our sanity. We all have our baggage and stories that turn that pain into suffering – and yes, that all makes us unique in our journeys – but it’s also what makes us all equal. It allows us to talk and connect and skip the comparison game. And so I hope you start by remembering how much we all have in common and that without you, we wouldn’t be the incredible community that we are - and that’s because you are a Good AF Mom. - Stef

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Yes, you can meditate

Yes, you can meditate — and parent, and work, and sleep, and breathe, and pay the bills....and it’s not called “doing it all”. Self-reflection is simple and free self-care.

I see this a lot in my social feeds: “meditating every day does not solve a working parent’s problems,” and I have to push back. I understand the sentiment of course: our culture doesn’t take care of parents, and that starts first and foremost in the workplace.

But dissing sitting quietly to notice how you feel makes me uncomfortable. Also, I believe referencing “meditation” here doesn’t make any sense - in reality, what we are talking about is taking a moment for self-reflection. That could look like sitting for 5 minutes and focusing on your breath - that could look like walking around the block without a podcast or your phone. Self-reflection CAN help with parents’ problems because it takes the focus off the hectic world we reside in and brings us back to our core, our self, and where we are emotionally.

And so I think this is an apples-to-oranges situation. What they should be saying is that a 5-minute break does not make the stress of modern parenting any better because you still need to endure the demands of a 40-60 hour workweek and no social support from our government.

No amount of Self-reflection will fix our work-obsessed, “pretend you don’t have a family” culture — but it’s not gonna make it any worse either.

How do I know? Well, it starts with the insight of a nine-year-old. One of my sons is a big afterschool talker (either you have an oversharer or a non-sharer, you’ll see). One day last year, he came home and shared that he had a bad stomachache at school, “Mom I was feeling really, really bad, like really bad. So I stopped and took a breath. And it didn’t make me feel better, but it stopped me from feeling worse!”

An adult version of a “stomachache” could be anything: anger, resentment, overwhelm, burnout, or just plain sadness. And we walk around with these aches, not noticing. And when we DO notice, it’s because things get SO bad we have to, and it’s WAY too late. We are burned out and have been stressed for days. We need the skills to notice our stomachaches earlier so we can take the necessary next steps. Instead, what does it take for us to notice? Typically it’s something we can’t ignore: we lose it on our child or our partner, or our body gives out in some way, we push good friends away, we get into a fender bender…

When I had 2 kids under 10 years old, I worked 50-60 hour weeks, traveled, and dealt with start-up hours and investors’ insane demands. One day, I lost all feeling in my left arm - my body had finally had too much. It slammed on the brakes and made me notice how out of alignment my life had become.

In addition to not noticing, we use distraction and indulgence to ignore or withdraw from bad feelings as they try to reveal themselves. Some of us spend too much money online or watch too much TikTok at work — or maybe we drink too much.

Whatever it is — these coping mechanisms keep us from discovering that we have hit our mental health wall and boom! we are in a full-blown Mom Tantrum, and we don’t know how we got there.

I know the people who crap on meditation have hit a mental health wall before — that seems evident from their determination to care for the blights of the working parent. Unfortunately, well-meaning or not, they have got it all wrong. Meditation is not a chance to zone out and “be calm” — and it’s certainly not an escape.

Meditation, or just a simple practice of self-reflection, is the opportunity to train your brain to notice your state - good, bad, or ugly. Your state is just your mood or fleeting emotion you may be experiencing. And once we can notice our state, we can attend to our needs before #$*& hits the fan. We can use this self-reflection technique as simple and accessible self-care. And when we do it leads to more self-care: like a walk outside or chatting with a friend.

I have lived the “Start-Up” life, my husband worked 12-hour days, too, add in that we also were living in one of the most expensive cities in the world, of course, we were exhausted. Until I started to take care of myself, it only felt like it was going to get worse — but as soon as I started taking care of myself, I didn’t get better right away but it stopped getting worse. And I realized that I had choices.

That’s what our “money-as-success” culture takes away from us — choices that come from a broad perspective — and it takes away our curiosity too. We’re just so exhausted and are lulled into the false notion that we have to go to work and be perfect there and go home and be perfect there, too. We forget to question any of it. Perfection does not need to be your truth because it can’t be, you’re a parent, and #&$% happens: your kid gets lice the night before a three-day business trip, or your boss tells you that you need to add another responsibility to your list with no additional pay, or one of your arms becomes unusable and in severe pain (these are all real things that have happened to me!!).

When you are in a state of exhaustion, looking within can feel like a trap, like an unwinnable bargain you will make with the devil - after all what will you find, and does it matter? But it does. Because you matter, and hustle culture keeps you in motion precisely so you WON’T stop and look within. But that’s where all your answers will lie.

So, of course, five or 10 minutes of self-reflection daily will not solve the demands of modern work culture. These two things have nothing to do with one another — yet if you fix one, the other becomes a little more manageable. And you begin to notice what parts of work you like and don’t.

So I would say YES, learn to notice your emotions and moods, and more and more, you will discover all the choices available. How can you do this? Well, you have got to dig yourself out with your own two hands. The government isn’t gonna come save you, and your boss isn’t gonna come save you, and the culture isn’t going to change overnight. The only person that can change overnight is you - and if it were me, I would start with the self-care of a daily moment of reflection. ✌️ - Stef

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Join the 90-Day Gratitude Challenge

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Gratitude feels too Awkward...

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Three main personality traits that keep parents (and humans!) from feeling gratitude are:

• Ego

• Cynicism

• Resentment

Sure, sometimes you’re just not grateful. Let’s be honest, we have all been on the receiving end of a gift we weren’t totally excited about. Maybe one that is a little bit ridiculous, like a complicated puzzle for a 2-year-old, but we want to be nice, so we fawn gratefulness - but are we grateful? Probably not. This inauthentic response is natural and comes from a good place – a place of compassion! And if we feel into it enough, sure, we can get to gratitude – after all, it's the thought that counts. 

In those moments, we may not benefit from the well-being boost gratitude typically offers because the feeling of gratitude is most beneficial when it is felt most intensely. It is then downloaded into our operating systems with a deep level of truth, enough to motivate us to shift perspectives, exercise, connect with other humans and feel more confident and less of a mess.

But if we want to feel these things, it’s got to feel real for it to stick.

Inauthenticity is an obstacle to gratitude. But it's not permanent – we can bounce in and out of this fleeting feeling or what scientists would classify as a state. You are not an inauthentic person for being outwardly grateful but inwardly not. It’s just a moment in time. 

What is a State? Well, a state is a more temporary feeling, and its counterpart, which scientists call a trait, is more of a baked-in mode of being in the world. So you can be afraid of something (a state) or fearful, always worried or on edge (a trait). You can be shy in a new situation but warm up over time (a state), or you can be extremely introverted and never able to warm up (A trait).

Gratitude is a tremendous emotion because it isn’t just an emotion. It can be both a state AND a trait. You can be in a state of gratitude or possess the trait of gratitude (don’t worry, its learnable too). I view the Altruistic state of gratitude as a never-ending cycle of good begets good. Gratitude can also broaden and build your perspective to the point where instead of behaving like a fleeting emotion or state, it becomes more of a permanent mindset or trait. But altruistic gratitude is hard because, let’s be honest, it involves other people. 

And the most common barrier to sharing thankfulness with other people is awkwardness. I am sure you feel it too. Every time I ask a mom friend for help, it’s awkward to share just how grateful I am to her because it’s like a LOT, a LOT, and that seems like TOO much to share. I may make her feel weird about helping me in the first place, so I temper my thanks. Do you? Well, come to find out, this is normal! 

In a study named “Under Valuing Gratitude,” Amir Kumar and Nick Epley asked people to write a letter of gratitude to a friend. They then asked them to rate the following:

• how awkward the friend would feel reading it,

• how surprised they would be by the letter, and

• how happy it would make them feel. 

On the whole, they found that people underestimated the effect the letter would have on the receiver, how surprised they would be — AND they overestimated the level of awkwardness the receiver would feel. People loved the letters — they didn't feel awkward about them at all. They were happy to hear the good things they had contributed to another’s life. And it made them feel good to get a letter saying that, in fact much more than what the letter’s authors had predicted.

Whoops, so awkwardness around saying “Thank You” or writing a quick note to a colleague is not as big of a deal as we think it’s going to be — in fact, that belief gets in the way of us realizing just how important our sentiments will be to that person.

After that info, I'm psyching myself up to write my letter, are you? Well, here’s one more motivator. The research on its benefits to your well-being is super strong as well. Some of the longest-lasting effects of gratitude measured have been in the months following the mailing of a gratitude letter to a friend, with people still feeling the effects sometimes as long as 2 months later. (that’s the research of Professor Robert Emmons)

Interestingly, an over-inflated ego typically doesn’t let us forget just how important we are to other people. You need to be humble to be afraid to send your letter. And that’s a good thing! Saying to yourself, “Oh no it won't matter that much to them. They won’t care. It will just be weird.” actually opens you up to more gratitude.

Humility is crucial to a regular practice of gratitude. Researchers behind the study, “Thieves of Thankfulness: Traits that inhibit Gratitude,” report, “Humility fosters thankfulness when one believes that they are superior to others and one has a high sense of entitlement, all benefits from others cease to be gifts; they are simply the goods that others and life owes them.”

So let’s take the advice of the “awkwardness” researchers and start handing out letters and thank you’s. (Yes, thank you cards actually matter, but let your child pick what to say so you can keep that authenticity and intensity alive.) We can model humility and grace in other ways too.

We can model waiting - literally waiting. Have you ever tried waiting for your child without your standard narration? The next time you leave the house, cut your talking to a minimum and simply wait for them. Yes, this can be hard, especially when you know the morning sequence and just how many seconds it will take to go from on time to late, but you are modeling patience so it will be worth it!

We can model saying No. Just because we are wanted and needed everywhere by everyone does not mean we need to say Yes. Why do I know this is a problem for you? Well, it's a problem for most moms. We want to be in three places simultaneously because we want everyone to be happy. Unfortunately, we are teaching our children how to overextend themselves. By modeling saying "No," we demonstrate to our children the boundaries needed for a more curated and intentional life.

Finally, the simplest way to counter entitlement for both ourselves AND our kids is to shift the focus away from what we don't have to what we do have. A daily gratitude practice introduces the language of "enough" into our homes. 

To introduce a family gratitude practice, you must start a practice yourself. Children do learn best through modeling. You can include them in the process, but by showing them, it’s part of your life, you will make it safe and introduce valuable mindset-shifting vocabulary to your homes. Including your kids in your practice could be as simple as asking your children to pick a letter from the alphabet and see how many good things you can list that begin with the letter – or by writing down three things you're grateful for each morning on a wipe-off board in the kitchen. The point is to do it daily and ensure they see you doing it.

Obstacles to gratitude are manageable. We can get there. The awkwardness is a mirage, and your ego is not in charge. We can find ways to take that fleeting emotion and make it a trait to step into an entirely grateful way of being. And when you do, I know the first thing you will discover is that you’re a pretty awesome mom already - in fact, you are Good AF. - Stef

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Join the 90-Day Gratitude Challenge ➥ Click here ➥

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Mindful Sleep - with Sleep Consultant Yasmin Johnston

Podcast Guest:

Yasmin Johnston:

pediatric sleep consultant and mom.

Yasmin and I chatted recently on the Podcast about toddler sleep disruptions, what a night doula is, and so much more.

Every few episodes, I invite a guest to answer a reader’s question - do you have one? Fill out the form below, and I will bring in an expert to answer it.

Your Question for the POdcast

Podcast Question

Our question today was the following:

My almost 4-year-old has developed a bad habit of waking in the middle of the night and coming into my room to ask for water, milk, etc, every night, and I am exhausted. What do I do? Also, should I hire a night doula to get some sleep, and then they can teach him not to get up?

Here are some takeaways from our conversation and Yasmin's advice. First I asked her just what a Night Doula is:

Yasmin: “So a Night Doula, you'd be hiring them on and they're typically not doing the sleep training. They might do some education or helping with setting the boundaries. But they may not have the experience in the formal sleep training when it comes to toddlers. A night doula can be a little bit pricey, especially depending on where you live so there's that to consider. A sleep consultant in this situation would help you with figuring out the different boundaries that work for your family, and doing the formal sleep training. Usually within two to three weeks for one set price you're able to have your child sleeping in their bed all night.”

So if you want to correct the behavior and want to give it a try on your own to start, what should you do?

Yasmin: “The thing that we want to achieve here is to correct this behavior. You know toddlers, they love to push boundaries and so once it's allowed, like you let something happen one time, they think that it's okay to do this every single time and so it's putting that firm boundary in place; “It's time for sleep.” You can do water before they go to bed and say, “Okay this is our last chance for water” or since the child is a little bit older if they don't have issues with going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you can allow them to have a water bottle in their room. Just know that they may be getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and so then you have to think about are they going to require your assistance if they have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? But for milk I usually say, “We don't do milk at night, if you need water you have a water bottle in your bed or on your nightstand.”

Some other takeaways from our conversation:

• Personally, I love to have a list of clear rules for bedtime. Start these early, like when they are a baby, and keep it to 2 or 3 very specific items. My kids had the following rules: Calm body, Quiet Mouth, Stay in your Bed. Say them every night or when you leave the room which could be multiple times a night lol!

• You can also use a nighttime checklist they can consult BEFORE calling you - you can sign up for my free checklist below.

• And finally, and probably the most crucial step to a successful bedtime: Connection.

Yasmin: “The mom has to go to work all day right? So, she's going to work and then when she gets home it's just craziness, getting dinner done, doing this, doing that, and then bedtime — but slowing down and taking 10 minutes of connection time with with your child before bed — especially if you're away from each other all day matters. They're going to need that little bit of connection time: whether it's active play, or sitting down together and reading a book together, or even just having the child pick an activity and you sit there and play along — but without being too inquisitive, without asking your child a million questions. Just saying things like “Oh, I love that you chose the red car, I'm going to choose a red car too” Letting them know that you value their choices and their likes and dislikes and really being fully into them during that play time is enough.”

You can learn more about Mindful Sleep and Yasmin’s offerings on her website mindfulsleepconsulting.com and make sure to listen to the episode for a whole lot more information! - Stef

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More posts on sleep:

How Often Should I Practice Gratitude?

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Experts like Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman and Dr. Laurie Santos say you can experience a real bump in your overall well-being by adding a repeating gratitude practice to your daily life. And I want you to feel that bump because I know you need it. However, we aren’t going to get there without doing the work.

Sure, writing in a gratitude journal once definitely improves your mood. But it’s like exercise: If you want results, you need to stick with it. You aren’t going to improve your heart health with a week of gym workouts - it’s more likely that an overall lifestyle change of consistent exercise, healthy eating, more water, and fewer determinantal choices will make the difference.

Committing to methods that positive psychologists have proven beneficial means making a lifestyle shift.

It also means trying out things that may or may not work - for me, it was gratitude. For a friend, it was self-compassion.

Look, when I committed to daily exercise, I started with HIIT workouts - and I hated doing them, but as soon as I switched to walking every day, my mood improved, and so did my health. For me, gratitude works - and it may work for you - but you won’t know until you give it an honest try to commit to and start the daily work. 

And the question I usually get next is – is a daily or weekly reflection the most effective? Well, even though I am a proponent of making a daily list of things you are grateful for, I also know that science goes back and forth on this. In that way, it is different than exercise (although we all know the importance of a rest day for our body and stamina).

Some studies show if you save up all your positive emotion work for one day a week, it may have a bigger impact on your mental health than doing it every day. My issue with a weekly practice is I just don’t see us busy moms sticking with a one-day-a-week habit, I can barely remember which day my son has piano - but I brush my teeth every day and even remember deodorant.

In this study, named: Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change – they conclude it’s the intensity of the feeling that is lost if we, as they did, go out and try to do one good thing for other people every day. They found the positive benefits of that act were actually less impactful because it got folded up into all the other kind things we do regularly. But if we were to do like 5 or 6 awesome acts of kindness in one day - well yeah, I would remember that a lot longer, that’s for sure. 

But what this particular study does not consider is something I know well - everyday parenting life.  Even before I had kids of my own, as a professional nanny, it was my job to understand the demands of modern parenting. I know the ebbs and flows of sicknesses, disasters, regressions, and LIFE. Life happens with kids.

And that’s the main reason I stand by a daily practice as the most impactful way to practice gratitude for parents because the real secret is…I know you're not gonna do it every day – I just know it. Catastrophes happen every other day - and the gratitude list will be the first thing to go. I know it because it happens to me too. 

And so I’m going to stick to this “every day” thing here because I want you to experience the cognitive changes that really do happen if, in reality, you only end up practicing 2 or 3 days as a result of our hectics lives. THAT’S A WIN in my book.

The other reason I think daily practice is doable is that I believe we have more to be grateful for than people without kids. Is that going to get me in trouble? Probably, but we are keeping small humans alive here - small humans and sometimes multiple humans at once! 

The way I define gratitude changed when I had kids. I am not talking about your average “Thank You” card here. I believe that when you become a parent, gratitude just hits differently.  And so we are talking about what I call: Parental Gratitude.  

My definition goes beyond the altruistic acts of traditional gratitude. I think it is more intangible than that, more closely related to what some researchers call Existential Gratitude - like the deep gratitude we feel just to be alive. In 2019, Dutch researchers Lillian Jans Beken and Paul T.P Wong found that existential gratitude is distinct from the more general dispositional gratitude. Look, I use them both, to be honest, when I make a list, but if you are looking for a high level of intensity, the gratitude I feel surrounding my children is the one. For me, parental gratitude is as easy as finding something to be grateful for when you go for a walk. And so, based on this, can you make a list of 5 to 10 things each day with the intensity needed to really feel them and have them stay? I think so. And if you can’t do 10, do 4 super deeply.

And finally, the last reason I strongly encourage you to practice daily is the value you will get from pushing through the more challenging days to do it.

“There will be days when you feel like doing anything other than finding reasons to be grateful, but pushing through these days will empower you and help you build the strength and resilience necessary to push through other challenges.” - says JASON MARSH, the executive director of The Greater Good Science Center at Cal Berkeley

And so, I have a few gratitude practice options for you:

1. You can do the 3:33 pm Alarm - click here for more on that one. 

2. You can choose a weekly Gratitude Day where you journal or choose a gratitude practice that you engage intensely with throughout the day, and you do it every week.

3. Or finally, if you want to give the daily habit a try, you can Habit Stack - this means finding another habit you are already committed to, like brushing your teeth, skincare, drinking that afternoon cup of coffee, and adding your gratitude list to that time. “Every day when I have a second cup of coffee I will list 4 things I am grateful for.”

Finally – take breaks from your gratitude routine if you feel like the effects are not as strong or you are not feeling your thankfulness intensely as you had in the past. 

I have had this happen numerous times over the past 4 years. I simply take a break for a month or two, and when I begin to feel like something is off again, I remember to pick it back up. As my favorite gratitude researcher Professor Emmons says: “We adapt to positive events quickly, especially if we constantly focus on them,” “It seems counterintuitive, but it is how the mind works.”

So not that you need it, you have my permission to take a few days off, and don’t get discouraged! This isn’t everyone’s stepping stone to a more mindful parenting experience, but it is for some, and I hope you give it a solid try before moving on to something else. And remember, you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef

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Other posts on Gratitude:

Learning to Let Go of Resentment

Letting go exercises Listen today!

This will sound weird, but Beyoncé helped me to deal with my resentment. Specifically, the resentment around my partner not helping - after we had our first baby, sure, but even later once we had two, and they were much older. The resentment and indignation had built up - and bitterness had taken over my mind and thoughts.

Let’s be honest, parenthood is not evenly balanced in this country, and most of the weight still lands on mothers. So, when I tell you that I am carrying less resentment than ever before, you may be surprised. After all, it feels like a natural part of parenthood these days, doesn’t it?

During her HBO special Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown shared that the emotion of resentment was NOT in the anger family as she had previously believed – an emotions researcher had clarified to her that resentment was actually part of the Envy family, 

It was a bit of a shocker for me to hear that – the injustices of our culture, the unfair emotional load inside my own home - that shit made me mad. 

And so I had to take a hard look at my resentment (and there was plenty to look at) — and well, crap. envy was the real culprit, and the anger was just a reaction to it all. 

As I looked over many of my mothering years, I could see envy play out in each and every painful instance of bitterness. Some were harder than others to equate to envy - but some were pretty obvious: Resenting friends who traveled during the pandemic quarantine - yep, that was actually envy. Resenting my mother-in-law for taking up so much of my time, yep, envy, because she was more engaged than my own. Resenting the moms who looked like they stepped off the Met Gala red carpet at school pick up, yep, I was definitely envious of their sense style because I never know where to start. 

I have always been jealous of my husband’s role as a non-primary parent. Maybe you have been too? Non-primary caregivers (still largely a role played by men) have a different experience in this country. While we get to know ourselves as entirely new people, they get up every day and go to work. My husband kept his same friends, his same after-work happy hours, and his same commute. And then, when he was home, he was a parent, TOO – how could resentment not grow out of that? 

And after more than a decade of parenting together, not much has changed. He still has a very different experience living (and thriving!?) within parenthood. Yes, he is an actively engaged parent. He takes large swaths of the weekends to play with the kids so I can disappear, he cleans up after them, and throws a few activity books in a bag when we go out to dinner (without me asking!!) – but his identity just hadn’t morphed in the drastic ways that mine has over the years.

Flashing back to the shitshow that was 2020, we are suddenly thrown into a global crisis together, and boom! things got really obvious. Sure I had been a parent for ten years, but I hadn’t been “on” like this since the newborn days: full-time parenting, crisis schooling, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for four people every. single. day. and trying to maintain my business, writing, and creative outlets (ha!). Peak resentment level - unlocked! 

Do you remember what it felt like? Life had dramatically changed, but my partner’s had only changed slightly: he was home now, and bonus! it came with homemade meals. The bitterness reached critical mass when it became the first thing on my mind every single day as I rolled myself out of bed. All the ways this situation was unfair to me and not to him screaming to fill the void – yeah, not such a great way to start your day.

This habit of rumination took me forever to notice, but when I did, I didn’t like it. I didn't like waking up in a “mood.” We were already going through so much as a family my children and my partner did not need me starting off on the wrong foot. And so, I decided to give the practice of noticing my thoughts a try every morning as I woke up.

And I did this for a while, maybe two or three weeks! And as I noticed all the negativity that lived inside my morning fog, I also noticed a competing force. I actually could hear something else. Songs. At first, it was frustrating too, like: Why am I constantly fighting with these songs that are stuck in my head!? I'm trying to listen for my resentment! I was trying hard not to let my wrath take charge of my day, but all I could hear was Justin Beiber or Beyoncé.

And then one day, I was like – you know what? I need to start listening to these songs because they're consistently around and not going away. And I gave up fighting them and began to listen every morning. And the songs were really quite upbeat. This was amazing because it was just what I had been looking for – moments of feeling good and uplifted. And so every morning I listened, grabbed onto the hook, and held on for dear life – and it would get me through the day.

And slowly, as I switched my attention to the songs, the resentful thoughts faded.

And now, two years later, I get excited to wake up each morning to see what songs are in my head – because I think it’s my subconscious trying to give me a message: Okay, today you need to focus on this or reflect on that from yesterday – use this song. It's a rewarding and enriching experience I have with myself every morning. And it's because I had the courage to look at my habitual thoughts – my envy – and say, “What's going on here?” 

We aren’t all going to wake up to the Queen B, but there are plenty of opportunities for healing that are right under our noses. When we stop giving all our attention to our habitual thoughts (especially to those rooted in emotions that aren’t what they seem - resentment, I’m looking at you) and try out the simple practice of just noticing, we can take a more thoughtful approach to our daily lives, and even open up a little room for something a bit more Irreplaceable. - Stef

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A Connected, Calm, Baby Bedtime Routine

Are you struggling to get your baby to sleep independently?

(Have a toddler? Click here).

Despite the stories, songs, books, and music, your child still needs you to fall asleep, and the whole song and dance of a “routine” is starting to feel frustrating. Well, I hear you on that - a routine does seem like a big waste of time if you are going to spend another hour sitting in their room bouncing or rocking or soothing.

So let’s figure this out. Let’s review a few questions that may seem counterintuitive but could help ease this all-to-common parenting battle.

What do you want?

Obviously, it’s sleep. And while you want what’s best for your baby, you also want sleep. Don’t underestimate the importance of your needs during these next few months.

I will get to the tips below, but I want to ensure you are 100% on board. Sometimes we do things because we think there is a certain “way” to do them and speaking from years of experience as a professional nanny, there is not one way. So there’s room for it to be your way.

Questions to consider before moving forward, with no right answers, only what feels right for you:

• Do you want to sleep alone at night? Or do you want to sleep with your child?

• What does your partner want?

• What is most important to you to develop now: connection, empathy, independence, or self-soothing skills?

• Do you want more kids? Or is this your last child?

• Where do YOU want to sleep right now? In their room with them? or your bed with your partner? Or everybody in your room or bed?

Determining the answers to these questions may be challenging, which is ok. We have many decisions made daily, and it can sometimes feel overwhelming. When I feel that way, I lean on what I call my GoodAF Mom intention - my “Why”: I intend to show up as my best self for my kids. Do you know why? Science shows that a mother’s level of contentment has twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

Twice.

Maybe that freaks you out a little - I certainly feel overwhelmed, but maybe we can look at it differently...

Maybe it means that you matter.

And what you want matters, Mama. If you are not being true to yourself, you act in ways that don’t feel right. And so you got to stop and CHOOSE YOURSELF.

That’s why I asked those questions initially - because you matter. I want you to be happy above all else.

And so, here are some ideas for a dreamy baby bedtime routine.

No matter where your baby sleeps, the number one priority of bedtime is connection. They are tired, their guard is down, and trust is essential to their nervous system. Connection helps a baby feel safe. And your second priority is predictability — for all the same reasons.

I know many parents who say they can’t stand a routined life, and although I am Type A, I understand. It’s just not how some people’s personalities work. If you are not into a 10-step baby bedtime routine, that is fine, choose 1 or 2 things that you do every night in the same order and then habit stack. Maybe the last thing you do before putting them in the crib is the same, and the last thing you do before walking out their door is also. Find what works and is predictable to them enough.

A baby's bedtime routine could look something like this:

During their nightly bath, you put your phone in another room and talk and play with them during those 10 minutes — like they are the only star in the sky. And then, when you get them out, always do the same thing. For example, you sing the same song as you towel dry them and put their lotion and diaper on; then you always say the same affirmation as you look in the mirror together and wave bye-bye to Mr.Rubber Ducky as you head to their room. See how there is a mix of connection and predictability to that routine?

Connection + Predictability = Calm Baby Bedtime

Connection is vital at bedtime because it helps stimulate the production of the love hormone Oxytocin. Oxytocin has been proven to lower stress levels in the body, especially by inhibiting the production of cortisol, the stress hormone that helps you wake up in the morning! Not great for bedtime.

Predictability is essential for young babies because their language skills are minimal. They use their super smart brains for pattern recognition, so if every night you put their sleep sack on before they go in their crib, this provides a signal for not only sleep but also for what part of the evening you are on - it’s close to the end, but it’s not the end yet. In fact, studies show the more predictable you are in your parenting style, the more emotional regulation your child will learn.

HERE ARE SOME OTHER TIPS:

• Come up with two or three rules that work for your family. These get recited every night multiple times. I know it seems “big kid” to have rules, but coming up with a catchphrase or something that is said every night is important for babies because it lays the groundwork for toddlerhood, and it is a predictable sleep cue.

• Make sure the time before bed is one of deep connection - that’s why books work so well. Feeling connected will help your child to feel safe and secure.

• If your baby screams when you put them down, and you don’t want to stay until they fall asleep, spend the money on a sleep consultant. It will be 100% worth it - much more than any SNOO or vibrating bed ever will be because a sleep consultant will teach you what you need to know for the sleep regressions to come, and there are a few!

• If your baby screams when you put them down, and you want to stay, make the room work for an adult. Put a twin mattress in there and get comfortable. My biggest regret is that I spend so many nights sleeping IN a crib with my youngest. My back still hurts. I think it’s ok to sleep in their room while they are babies - it really comes down to what you want and what you think you can handle right now. In the future, you can always adjust - don’t get caught up in society’s BS about unbreakable habits because there are none.

• If you bed share or have a co-sleeping crib and your baby wants you to stay, and you want to, then stay! Get some extra sleep and get up earlier the next day to do the dishes — or let your partner do it. You can do this for a few weeks and then begin the process of teaching them to sleep independently another time or you can do it for one night and go back to sleep learning. Connect, and don’t regret it.

• Learn about the three stages of sleep: Self-regulation, self-settling, and self-soothing. You can help with self-regulation or calming down: listen to lullabies together, or if that’s too stimulating, read a book like The Middle of the Night Book that teaches a body scan meditation. Self-settling is something they need to do on their own, that’s physiologically switching from an awakened mode to a sleep mode. You can help that process by providing a super dark room to sleep in. And then self-soothing is the method you use to regulate your emotions as you fall asleep. This skill also takes time to learn (like a lifetime) and is an independent sleep skill. When your child is very young, a pacifier, lovey, or something to hold will help them to feel connected to you, which can help with self-soothing. Make it easy to bridge the gap by sleeping with that item yourself before introducing it — so it smells like you.

  Most importantly, you feel confident about your bedtime choices, Mama. Your well-being and your health matter, And don’t forget - because you made it all the way to the end of this article (and even if you made it two sentences in), I know for a fact that you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef

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Toddler Sleep Tools

What should my toddler sleep in? and other questions about toddler sleep.

Let’s start by making sure you are in the right place. Do you have a toddler? Typically toddlers are grouped into a different category than babies because of the developmental milestones they are going through: mainly becoming a little less dependent on us for EVERYTHING — they are starting to walk, talk, and, unfortunately, climb, lol.

Typically, Toddlers are defined as children ages 15 months to 36 months. 

So what is the difference between a successful toddler sleep routine and their “baby” routine? Well, it starts with the desire to “Do It Myself!” and ends with eventually saying Good Bye to their crib. Want to create a dreamy toddler bedtime routine? Read more here.

These are the tools you will need for an amazing Toddler Bedtime

The Crib Zone:

Is your toddler still in a crib? OK, then, let’s make sure they have the following. Typically you make the crib-to-bed transition when your child reaches the height requirements for their crib, or they start climbing out — or in my opinion, if they ask for a big kid bed, I would jump on that momentum and say Yes!

• ✔️ yes, to a pillow, they make toddler-sized ones.

• ✔️ yes to a blanket (with out without a sleepsack, depending on the temp of your home)

• ✔️ yes to warm pajamas

• ✔️ yes to an “Ok to wake” toddler clock

• ✔️ yes to a waterbottle, if they wear pull-ups at night

• ✔️ yes to blackout curtains

• ✔️ yes to books or small toys to play with

• ✔️ yes to their bedtime routine book in their crib - like The Middle of the Night Book more here.

• ✔️ yes to introducing a simple bedtime visual checklist - get yours here.

If they are climbing out, but YOU are not ready then try the following:

• Keep them in a sleep sack if they are a climber - and put it on backward so they can’t unzip it.

• Try a Slumber Pod cover for their crib.

The Toddler Bed Zone:

This post is not about how to make a transition but more about what tools you will need. You want to ensure that your toddler has a lot of input regarding the choices around these tools, so if they have a water bottle in their bed, which ones? if they have books in their bed, which ones? etc. And if you have not introduced rules at bedtime, now it is time to devise three simple ones and repeat them 5 times a night or more.

• ✔️ yes to pillow

• ✔️ yes to a blanket and sheets - best to let them pick them out.

• ✔️ yes to warm pajamas - especially if they lose their blankets at night.

• ✔️ yes to an “Ok to wake” toddler clock

• ✔️ yes to a waterbottle, if they wear pull-ups at night

• ✔️ yes to blackout curtains

• ✔️ yes to books in bed, including their bedtime routine books like The Middle of the Night Book

• ✔️ yes to introducing a simple bedtime visual checklist - get yours here

• ✔️ yes to a wind-up flashlight for reading and playing quietly

• ✔️ yes to a super child-proofed room. Include locking closets and drawers you don’t want them to get into at the crack of dawn

• ✔️ yes to independent play options, these are important for morning independence: “You can play quietly until your light turns green”

• ✔️ yes to leaving a small bowl of cheerios on their dresser for them to snack on in the morning. I leave this before I go to bed so they arent all gone in the AM.

• ✔️ yes to a baby gate at the door if you are worried about them wandering the house after dark and safety.

If you bedshare with your toddler, you have an advantage here because they are used to sleeping in a bed. They are used to having the freedom to get out when they want, etc. Introducing an “Ok to Wake” Clock is a great skill to teach even when you are bedsharing - however it may be harder to get them to play quietly without waking you up too.

Make a plan with them for when this happens, like: “If you wake up and the clock is not green, it’s still resting time. You need to stay quiet so Mommy can sleep, OK?” or “If you want to go and play in your room you can, but on your own and you need to stay there.” 

At first, you may have to walk them there at 5:30 am and set a visual timer for when they can come to get you — but go back to bed, so they understand this is not playtime for the whole family. Independent playtime in the morning is totally OK for toddlers who can’t sleep later than 5:30 am, and that’s why its important to come up with a plan for these times so that you can sleep till at least 6:00 am or more — and this can all be done without screens! A baby-proofed room, some of their favorite toys, a baby gate, and encouragement will set you up for a later mom wake-up time — it will take a few mornings of 5:30 am modeling, but it can be done!

*Amazon Affiliate links are included in this post

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Three Main Benefits of Parenting with Gratitude

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The Three Benefits of Parenting with Gratitude

Parenting is hard—there’s no denying it. But what if shifting your focus could make it feel more fulfilling, even joyful?

Parenting with gratitude© doesn’t just help you notice the good; it transforms the way you show up for your kids and yourself.

Here are three key benefits of parenting with gratitude©:

1. Gratitude Builds Resilience

Parenting is full of challenges, but gratitude changes the way you respond to them. When you focus on what’s working—like the small wins or moments of connection—you build emotional resilience. Gratitude strengthens your ability to bounce forward after tough days, making you more present and patient for the next while allowing you to see the skills and strengths you bring to the role.

Quick tip: At the end of each day, write down one small parenting win, even if it’s as simple as, “I made it through today.”

2. Gratitude Enhances Connection

Gratitude helps you see your child for who they are—messy emotions and all. By appreciating their unique qualities, you strengthen your bond and build mutual respect. When children feel valued, their confidence grows, and your relationship deepens. Gratitude also allows you to see all the helpers in your life–because while modern parenthood can feel lonely, there are still people in our lives that show up for us in small ways every day.

Try this: During tough moments, pause and ask yourself, “What do I appreciate about my child right now?” or “Who helped me today?”

3. Gratitude Shifts Perspective

When you focus on gratitude, the daily grind of parenting feels less like an endless to-do list and more like an opportunity for growth. Gratitude widens your perspective, helping you see challenges as part of a bigger picture instead of just frustrations.

Example: That tantrum? It’s not just a meltdown—it’s a chance to teach emotional regulation, both for your child and yourself.

Start Small: A Gratitude Practice for Parents

Parenting with gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring the hard stuff. It’s about balancing the hard moments with a purposeful practice of noticing the joy, the growth, and the small wins. Start by looking for one thing you’re grateful for each day—about your child, your partner, or even yourself. Over time, these small moments build up into a more fulfilling parenting journey.

Want to dive deeper into the benefits of gratitude? Read more here or sign up for weekly practices to bring gratitude into your daily life.

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Gratitude: a Stepping Stone to a More Mindful Life

Listen to this post as a podcast:

Gratitude: A Stepping Stone to a More Mindful Life

Hi, it’s me, Stef, again. Here to talk to you about parenting differently with gratitude. I am obsessed with gratitude because it has changed how I view the world. I grew up in New England, so I celebrated the negative. It’s kind of hard to describe how a cultural mindset works, but in Massachusetts, where I am from, it’s pretty acceptable to be super negative, sarcastic, and self-deprecating. 

First of all, not all of the Northeast is filled with pessimists, but I assure you that optimists are not the norm. You have to be hard to make it through the winter, and you have to be tough to fight for what you want. The world is not out to help you - the world is out to get you - and don't you dare show anyone that you can fall.

Of course, the world is not out to “get” a middle-class white girl from Massachusetts, even if she grew up in a small rural town. This is just another worldview - there are so many, after all. And so, I grew up with both the luxury of white privilege and the austerity of optimism. Weird? Maybe but if you are from the Northeast, you get it. 

So you know my starting viewpoint  – even if something went right, it was just law that the other shoe was always gonna drop somehow.

But I’m not like that anymore — and yes, living in California has something to do with it — but you can still be a negative SOB in the Golden State. My worldview has changed. That is what happened when I started to look inside and do the work I needed to do to become a happier human. And the intention was not enough - I DID have to do the work - I just didn’t need to grit my teeth and bear it. Parenting didn’t have to be about reading every book, going to every workshop, and FIGURING THAT $%^& out by myself. 

It took action — it took courage — did I want to keep choosing my kids over my well-being or did I want to choose myself first?

Choose yourself first. What does that really mean?

Well, it’s not as simple as taking an afternoon off - motherhood doesn’t work that way - especially in the early years. A “Choose Yourself First” mindset does not mean sacrificing your kids’ happiness for your own.  It’s about where you want to put your energy — you’re taking such great care of your kids — but what if you just lessened up a bit on that and started taking care of yourself a little more?

Take a quick second to reflect on the things in your control and see if you like how they are going.

Do you NEED to do everything you’re doing or is that your inner perfectionist at work? Is it society telling you that your kids HAVE to be in sports and that your HAVE to help with PTA and you HAVE to teach your newborn to swim - but do you?

You get to decide for yourself if the events and/or people in your life support or deteriorate your well-being. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself for other people’s or cultural opinions.

Let’s take a look at my well-being success formula it’s:

INTENTION + ATTENTION + ACTION + REPETITION = RESULTS

And here we are talking about attention - where is most of your’s going? 

Yeah, it’s your kids, duh, I know.

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Let's talk about why gratitude could be the right action for parenting in the first place.

Every mother dreams about becoming less triggered by her kids; some of us yell, some give up – we all flood with overwhelm. Unfortunately, most parenting advice assumes we can break out of these habitual reactions without learning the skills to get there. 

Those preliminary cycle-breaking skills are crucial because we can't take any advice without getting to what I call "The Juicy Pause" – or that moment right before we react. We are always reading these books and trying these things and failing! Because they take patience, we just don’t have. I remember when I was a toddler parent how much I wished I could have more patience - like it was the key to everything when in reality, it was how quickly I went to reaction town that was keeping me from succeeding, I got triggered when my child didn’t respond to a new technique right away I modeled back their emotions and they slapped me in the face or laughed, I walked out of the room to have a time out and they followed me screaming, and so I screamed back. Nothing would stick, and it wasn’t because I was impatient - it was because I was TRIGGERED.

My reactions were emotional - not thoughtful.

How would I learn to be a better parent if I couldn’t stop myself from yelling at my child in the first place? I had to break some pretty deeply entrenched habits. Ones that had been modeled to me as a child and probably even modeled to my parents as children.  

To take the advice of so many well-meaning child experts out there, we have to expand the pause - the moment right before we are triggered, and the only way to do that is to learn to become more present, to notice there is a pause, to begin with.

We need a more mindful approach to parenting growth, one that I believe starts with a committed, daily practice of gratitude. 

Dan Harris, ABC correspondent and author of 10% Happier, has famously said, “I do meditation because it makes me 10 percent happier.” I feel the same about gratitude. 

It won’t fix your whole life - but after a few weeks, you will feel the subtle shift from how you used to think, feel and behave to the way you do now - and let me tell you, your kids will approve. 

And so I hope you stick with me as we plod deeper into this idea of Parenting Differently with Gratitude because the benefits make it worth it. Your self-doubt and Mom Guilt softens away, you become more connected to your friends and community, and you arrive right here in the present moment where your kids already live. 

What will you do to choose yourself this week? Well, I hope you will start writing that list each morning. And if you haven’t downloaded our mantra of the week, it is a perfect reminder you can put right there on your phone screen: Taking action is a gift to myself.

And don’t forget - you are already a Good AF mom.

Other posts on Gratitude:

Shorten Nighttime Wakings With These 10 Tips

Ok, so nighttime waking happens, but nighttime turning into playtime can be a nightmare - short and sweet is what we are after. But after 20 years as a professional nanny, I am sure that the easiest way is for your toddler to feel safe and supported. They need to feel your confidence because you have a plan, and they need to feel connected to you — because it’s scary to wake up and be alone in the dark when they are only two!

So let’s learn to address nighttime waking quickly and still honor your child’s need for connection.

First, let’s check your Environmental Set Up:

• Make sure you use red light - not white in the middle of the night if needed.

• Make sure the room is dark but feels safe.

• Do they have their favorite lovey or stuffy?

• I love a wind-up flashlight because it gives them autonomy, and it doesn’t last all night.

• Do they have an “Ok to Wake” toddler clock?

• I would also suggest a visual timer if you come back and check on them in a set amount of time.

• Make sure you have a book like The Middle of the Night Book in their bed, ready to go — or keep it on your nightstand.

Shorten toddler night wakings with these 10 easy steps

1. Take a breath. Middle of the waking is normal behavior, especially if they are learning something new like walking or talking or going through any transitions like starting daycare or potty training.

2. Do not ignore them. Connection and belonging are important at this age, so go to them when they wake (or they will come to you!).

3. Make a physical connection - use soothing touch or empathetic eye contact.

4. Listen and reflect emotions - try not to use language that feels like ‘fixing’.

5. Learn the three stages of falling asleep:

   1. Regulate - work out tough emotions or extra energy together by breathing, hugging, or listening patiently before expecting them to go back to sleep.

   2. Settle - help them to get comfortable and find the items they need to feel safe and secure in their bed, see #6 for tips.

   3. Soothe - remind them you are there, encourage them to notice their body’s sleepiness, and rub their back or forehead if they like that for a short time. This touch encourages the brain to produce oxytocin which helps to soothe a child back to sleep. At this stage, you must leave before they fall asleep so they can learn to do it independently.

6. Every night, practice a structured and simple bedtime routine that concludes with three simple rules they can remember “Calm body, Quiet mouth, Stay in your bed.” Your bedtime routine acts as the “Regulation” stage of falling asleep and is especially important to repeat during the middle of the night.

7. Then ask their permission to check in on them in a few minutes. Set a visual timer for when you will be back. Assure them that they can do this on their own. “I fall asleep on my own, and you can too! You did great at bedtime! I promise I will be back in 5 minutes to check on you.”

8. Say goodnight and leave. Have a Goodbye mantra that you use every time you leave. “You’re safe, and you’re loved, Collin,” or “Time for sleep, Collin. Goodnight, I love you.”

9. Make sure you return in the time allotted but quietly if you commit to doing a check-in. If they are still awake, check in and say I am still here if you need me, but you are doing great! I can come back and check again - is that something you want? And then, set the timer again and leave. If you have successfully gone through the 3 stages of sleep, it should only take 1 or 2 extra checks before they go to sleep naturally. However, if they are worked up or stressed, this will have the opposite effect, so really make sure they are regulated and settled before leaving the first time.

10. Talk about their successes in the AM with visual aids like a calendar or a sleeping photo of them - ignore the behavior you did not like.

Other Pro Tips:

• Do not make the transition to a toddler bed until you have introduced a toddler clock 

• If your child is learning a new skill during the day they will be more likely to

  wake at night

• Remember their Hierarchy of needs - belonging and connection before anything else.

• One transition at a time, so if they are potty training, do not introduce a toddler bed, etc.

• Lots of high-quality interactions before bed! You’ve got this!

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Daring to Parent Differently: Your Official Pep Talk

You can also listen to this post in podcast form - because you need a pep talk in your ears right now!

Download this week’s Gratitude Mantra and put that s&#t on your phone! (or tablet). Totally free no email required.

Your intention to parent differently stems from a deep well of courage.

Did you know that?

The bravery it takes to look at our conditioning and make a change requires going to the places where we are most vulnerable. And that can be scary and hard. But it works, shining the light on our shadows, learning to know them, and love them too. It works, but it’s hard work. And we are doing it (!!) — and each day we stretch open a little bit allowing more and more light to seep in illuminating what we used to know and what is actually true.

“What Right Aspiration translates to in terms of daily action is the resolve to behave in a way that stretches the limits of conditioned response.” - Silvia Bornstein, It’s Easier Than You Think.

We are parents who are looking for new options so so many different reasons; maybe we want to break the cycle of childhood trauma, maybe we want to step outside of what the culture thinks is “normal” or maybe our lived experiences have forced a new perspective. No matter what your initial motivation is - know that we are all in this together and I know just as well as you do that this is not an easy path to forge. It’s even harder when you are the trailblazer unable to rely on advice, or modeling, or even your instincts at first.

We are not the first who are willing to make a change - willing to bleed a little to grow. Brené Brown famously uses the Teddy Roosevelt quote in her book Daring Greatly and I will use it here as well:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again... who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” - Theodore Roosevelt

How are you parenting differently? How are you daring greatly?

• Maybe you have decided to live sustainably - amazing!

• Maybe you have decided to separate from a toxic parent - wow, so brave!

• Maybe you have decided that one child is enough - you do you!

• Maybe you are transparent with your children about your emotions - kudos!

• Maybe you apologize to your children when you are wrong - dare to care!

• Maybe you decided that your happiness matters more than being a perfect parent - scary but so brave!

• Maybe your family limited screens and TV - keep going!

• Maybe each day you wake up and stubbornly look this crazy world in the face and with the determination of someone who radiates only love, you counter suffering with the power of gratitude. - that’s me, and I am brave.

Wherever you have decided enough is enough - I see you. I honor your bravery. The courage and strength to do just one of these things in the face of judgment, criticism, and even shame is a lesson that your children will never forget. I applaud you all. Thank you for your intention to parent differently.

p.s…. love the positivity? Follow me on all the socials and never miss a pep talk.

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Gratitude Practice: Baby Steps

OK, so maybe a daily gratitude list is out of reach for right now. Every stage of motherhood is going to be different, there are different time restraints and different priorities and so I don’t expect every one of you to be able to sit for 5 minutes each morning and make a list.

However, training your brain toward a more positive relationship with yourself should be one of the top priorities (right under feeding that baby).

So this is your baby step - the 3:33 pm alarm.

And I want us all to share how we incorporate this into our lives on Instagram so tag me in your stories @parent_differently

The 3:33 pm alarm is going to help us introduce the concept of parenting with gratitude into your life in a very simple and easy way.

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Listen to this post as a podcast!

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So what is this concept of Parenting with Gratitude? Why do I want us to get deep into this?

I like to say that the recipe for achieving well-being is this:

Intention + Attention + Action + Repetition = Results

We have discussed setting an intention in the past you can read more about it here.

So we take our intention, and we add ATTENTION.

That means we are going to start to train our brains to notice what we want to notice - not what it was programmed to notice because of evolutionary biology.

If our intention is: to parent differently, we need to bring attention to our parenting.

If our intention is: to become our best selves, then we need to bring attention to ourselves!

I do this without losing my mind by looking at all the parts of parenting that fill me up. We already have the Negativity Bias to help us obsess over the mistakes, so now it’s time to shift our attention to looking at the good.

Enter the 3:33 pm alarm. The positive things we look for will be made into a short list of 3, and you will be reminded each day to make your list, and yep, its as simple as setting an alarm on your phone for 3:33 - then when it goes off wherever you are I want you to focus your attention on 3 good things, or 3 things you are grateful for, or whatever is positive and going well.

Other things we can look for are:

• What went well yesterday?

• What makes you a good mom?

• What you are grateful for?

• What did you provide for your family in the last hour?

• Who made you smile this morning?

• Who helped you or who did you help?

We are going to do this as a baby step to the big kahuna, which is a daily list of gratitude. This alarm will teach you to stretch your brain a bit each day and notice what may be overshadowed by stress, crying, work, and forgetting the lunch box, you name it.

I believe that Gratitude is the simplest tool we can use to ease the everyday stress of parenting. 

Science shows our mindset matters but also, that our route to living a more satisfying life tends to go directly through hardship. 

In our case, that hardship is also a gift pssst…its parenting.

Parenting brings with it the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. It tests us and asks of us again and again, to grow and to become more wise, patient, and gracious. 

Here’s a quote from Scott Bary Kaufman from his recent article on tragic optimism in the Atlantic:

 “In recent years, scientists have begun to recognize that the practice of gratitude can be a key driver of post-traumatic growth after an adverse event and that gratitude can be a healing force. Indeed, a number of positive mental health outcomes are linked to a regular gratitude practice, such as reduced lifetime risk for depression, anxiety, and substance-abuse disorders.”

Choose a traumatic event: COVID, overturning of Roe vs. Wade, pervasive school shootings, caregiver burnout - and I’ll assure you that we are ready for a healing force.  Google's "Year in Search" revealed searches for "How to maintain mental health" reached a worldwide high in 2021, as well as searches for affirmations and women’s health. We are crying out for science-backed practices that work.

So this is your baby step - the first practice that will help to establish a routine of daily gratitude. To remind you to look for the good - because we need to train your brain to see just how Good AF you already are.

Listen to the podcast on the 3:33 PM Alarm for more!

And don’t forget to follow on social for all things gratitude, parenting and positivity.

A Dreamy Toddler Bedtime Routine

I bet you never thought a Toddler Bedtime Routine could also be dreamy, calm, and relaxed.

I’m guessing bedtime is still a struggle despite the stories, songs, books, and music.

I will ask a few questions that may seem counterintuitive but could help ease this all-to-common parenting battle.

And the first is: What do you want?

I know I will get to the tips in a second, but I want to ensure you are 100% on board. Sometimes we are doing things because we think there is a certain “way” to do them, and speaking from years of experience as a professional nanny, that is totally untrue. There are not many 13-year-olds that still sleep with their parents or wake up a 2 AM and need a glass of milk (and hey, they can get it themselves at that point, so who cares!)

Here are some questions to ask yourself before we move on - there are no right answers, only what your instincts tell you is right:

• Do you want to sleep alone right now? or do you want to sleep with your child?

• What is most important to develop right now in your mind: connection, empathy, independence, self-soothing skills?

• Do you want more kids? Or is this your last child?

• Where do YOU want to sleep right now? In their room with them? or in your bed with your partner? Or in your bed with them in there too?

It may be difficult to figure out the answers to these questions, and that’s ok. I think we have a lot of decisions we have to make daily, and it can feel overwhelming at times. When I feel that way, I lean on what I call my GoodAF Mom intention - my “Why” or, as some people call it, my “Mission Statement.”

For a long time, my intention was to be perfect, and then it was to be a better parent, but now I intend to be a Happy Human. Do you know why? Science shows that a mother’s level of contentment had twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

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In what is called the Millennial Cohort Study, 13,000 UK families were surveyed when their child was 9 months old and then 14 years later, looking specifically at their happiness level. A deeper analysis of divorce rates and well-being surveys shows that a mother's happiness directly affects her children’s mental health, the stability of her relationship with the children’s father, and her closeness to her children when they become teenagers. In fact, the study showed that a mother’s level of contentment had twice the effect on her children than the happiness level of the father.

Twice.

So that means you matter. What you want matters Mama. And if you are not being true to yourself your kid will know, you will act in a way that is different. Tips and tricks won’t work for you as well as they may for other parents. And so you got to stop and Choose You.

And so here are some ideas for a dreamy toddler bedtime routine.

No matter where your toddler sleeps now that they are 15 months and older they will be the leader. They want this freedom to choose - to be in charge - so let them.

You can do this by paying attention to what arguments you have the most - is it over the number of books or when they brush their teeth or what PJs to wear? These are your cues that they want input.

I’m a Type A Mom, so I would make a visual chart of all the bedtime routine items - not so that you can follow it to a T, but so they can pick what they want to do next without your input. I would place non-negotiables on the chart in a different color and then ask them to pick the orders of the others. It doesn’t make sense to brush your teeth before milk - but you can always wait till after PJs are put on. I have included a free downloadable Toddler Choice Chart here with space to add your own items too.

Here are some other tips:

• Come up with three rules that work for your family and stick to them. Ours are: Calm Body, Quiet Mouth, Stay in Bed. These get recited every night multiple times.

• Make sure the time before bed is one of deep connection - that’s why books work so well. Feeling connected will help your child to feel safe and secure.

• If your child wants you to stay and you don’t want to, give them a time limit and set a visual timer like a Time Timer. And when it is done, leave. They will be upset at first but promise to check on them - tap into their independent streak and ask if they want to be checked in 7 minutes or 10 minutes. And then do that over and over but increase the time limit until they drift off without your help. Yes, the first night, you may have to do this for 2 hours, but that won’t last.

• If you bedshare and your child wants you to stay, and you want to, then stay! Get some extra sleep and get up earlier the next day to do the dishes — they will still be there. You can do this for a few weeks and then begin the process of teaching them to sleep independently another time or you can do it for one night and go back to the timer method above.

• If your child does not settle, it’s time to teach the three stages of sleep: Self-regulation, self-settling, and self-soothing. You can help with self-regulation or calming down: listen to a bedtime meditation together or if that’s too stimulating read a book like The Middle of the Night Book that teaches them how to do a bodyscan. Self-settling is something they need to do on their own that’s physiologically switching from an awakened mode to a sleep mode. And then self-soothing is the method you use to regulate your emotions as you fall asleep. This skill is also something that takes time to learn (like a lifetime) and is an independent sleep skill. When your child is very young a lovey, stuffy or something to hold will help them to feel connected to you which can help with self-soothing. Make it easy to bridge the gap by sleeping with that item yourself prior to introducing it — so it smells like you.

• Once you choose a mode of sleep, try to stay consistent - so if they are going to bedshare make sure the bed is set up as their area too. And if you want it to be for a certain amount of time set a limit or boundary ahead of time - “When the summer comes we/you will start sleeping in your room but right now its fine to share my bed”

The most important thing is that you feel confident about your bedtime choices, Mama. Your well-being and your health are what matter most. And don’t forget - because you made it all the way to the end of this article (and even if you made it two sentences in) I know for a fact that you are a Good AF Mom already. - Stef

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